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S05.E01: Week 1: Season Premiere

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Astrid seems obsessed with the Colton/Tia drama - is she there to provide commentary, or does she want to get to know anyone else? 

Speaking of Colton and Tia -  I find it weird that Colton is being seen, by the other BiP folks, as the bad guy here.  He was "falling in love"  with Becca when Tia kind of pulled the plug by telling Becca, "no, I want him!"   That was kind of a bitchy move, IMHO.   Not that Becca would have cut him loose eventually anyway, but  Tia should have left it alone, and then contacted Colton afterwards.   

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Tia has linebacker shoulders, terrible posture, a wide neck, and a tiny head. And the uptalk. Gah! So far, that's all I've got...

Edited by NoWhammies
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1 hour ago, Rainsong said:

Does Chris look like a cut-rate young Ron Perlman? 

Holy crap, YES!

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1 hour ago, backformore said:

 

Speaking of Colton and Tia -  I find it weird that Colton is being seen, by the other BiP folks, as the bad guy here.  He was "falling in love"  with Becca when Tia kind of pulled the plug by telling Becca, "no, I want him!"   That was kind of a bitchy move, IMHO.   Not that Becca would have cut him loose eventually anyway, but  Tia should have left it alone, and then contacted Colton afterwards.   

My thought is that Tia will never,ever forgive Becca for being the Bachelorette over her so of course she was eager to break up Becca/Colton, who I thought was suppose to be in Becca's final 2.  And contacting him like a normal person would have meant way less TV time and me thinks Miss Tia wants to be the new Jade and be propelled in the upper levels of fandom and make 7 figures off of tummy tea, fab fit fun boxes, crappy sunglasses.   And get the TV wedding, million dollar house, etc.   

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15 hours ago, Ms Blue Jay said:

I'm going to transcribe a few sentences directly from Chris's mouth and I am not making up anything about this, I swear to everything and everyone.  TRANSCRIBED.  Exactly.

Chris:  I told myself like going into Paradise, like, I'm going to be open-minded to like any girl, and have fun with someone I normally like, wouldn't give the time of day, and like, and that's something I guess like 
Tia:  Thanks!
Chris:  No I didn't mean it like that, like, just like, in general, like
Tia: What's your type
Chris:  Like......

I swear.  You can rewind and see.  It was so hard to transcribe all of the "likes", but I had to.  Many more where that came from.

He is soooooooo unintelligent.

The closed captioning was about every third word, from both Chris and Tia, along with Colton.  It is a speech pathology problem with this generation of people - it's a filler word while they try to put together a coherent thought.

15 hours ago, leighdear said:

She "caught the feels"? 

Hopefully, that's all she caught......

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I love Kendall beyond reason.  But she needs to work on her first-impression patter.  Picnics in graveyards? I'd be fine with it because I fell in love with her during Arie's season, but Grocer Joe seemed a little out of his depth. Not that it slowed him down.

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11 hours ago, backformore said:

then she jokes about the bumpy ride to paradise being "the most action my uterus has had." 

I'm the literal type, and I assumed that talking about the action her uterus got meant that she'd gotten pregnant and had an abortion.

I'm sad that she's so crass.  Every time I see her, I almost gasp at how effortlessly beautiful she is.

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Oh good grief - no wonder Leo's father is disappointed in him! Thanks for the link, CindyBee

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11 hours ago, backformore said:

Imagine the outrage if a guy said he was going to "follow his dick" to decide who to date.  "my penis will choose a girl for me" - everyone would be calling the guy a jerk. 

Precisely what I was thinking. But as usual that Bibi is all class.

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Bibiana is a disaster but she is perfect BIP material, I must say. At least she didn't come here for one specific guy...TIA. God, if I have to hear her whining about Colton all season, I will throw chitlins at my television. Also I noticed that from certain angles, Tia looked like the spitting image of Tenley in this episode. I know she is generally Raven's twin but I got a lot of Tenley last night.

Predictably, the only one I like so far is Wills. His outfits are as loud as Bibiana.

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Kendall is stunningly beautiful--I can't imagine anyone not being able to stare in her presence. But when "Have you ever seen a dead body?" is your go-to small talk/flirt, that's not great!

I am not interested in Tia at all so to have to sit through two dates with her was snoozfest.

I loved when Chris' chyron read: "Goose". Although the silly goose thing has gone out the window as he's returning to full crazy goose gearing up to mob Colton for some kind of wrong reasons offense.

Kevin just randomly slipped it in that Ashley I cheated on him with Jared--can't believe they let that in because the producers seem to love her so much.

"Chris' personal Vietnam" from Jordan was hilarious to me. I laughed out loud at the cringeworthy bro level of "sloppy segundos"--someone on Twitter joked that Sloppy Segundos was the working title for Bachelor in Paradise. 

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2 hours ago, Meowwww said:

Bibiana seems so angry to me.  And enough of the crude uterus crap. 

she seems to think of herself as some type of goddess, she is not that pretty--I still dont understand why she dumped that really cute guy from winter games....

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I had a decision to make last night, to forego (TM-CH) BIP (and AGT) and gofor (TM-Me) a pizza in town last night. Reading here today, I feel like I saw this entire episode.  So thanks to everyone who posted, I got pizza AND a show!

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The producers seem to think that America is heavily invested in the saga of Tia and Colton. But their angsty relationship doesn’t really match the vibe of Paradise. 

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36 minutes ago, Amy Beth said:

The producers seem to think that America is heavily invested in the saga of Tia and Colton.

I think that's because, IMO, the Saga of Tia and Colton was manufactured by TPTB to create drama on a boring Bach-ette season and now the plan is to carry over the (fake) drama to BIP.

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17 hours ago, backformore said:

Bibiana says her vagina is going to help her pick a man, or something along those lines.  her family must be so proud, watching on TV. 

Imagine the outrage if a guy said he was going to "follow his dick" to decide who to date.  "my penis will choose a girl for me" - everyone would be calling the guy a jerk. 

then she jokes about the bumpy ride to paradise being "the most action my uterus has had."  WTF? she clearly knows the names of her body parts, but does she understand how everything works?  Meeting Jordan, she says she's waiting for her hoo-ha to whisper "this one is a good one!"  

There's something WRONG with that girl.  

 

I took it as she has had a lot of sex to try and find the "man of her dreams" until she explained her little joke to the cameraman.  She's unfunny.  I don't think you are going to find the man you want to be with, married to, and create a family with by simply going where your loins lead you, and that goes for both men and women.  Sexual attraction is important but there is so much more.

I come to this show every year totally unbaised because I don't watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette.  So, I am making my assumptions on who seems like a good guy/ gal on the material provided in this show. (Or other variations of BIP like Winter Games)

Nick is an ass and can't seem to take a hint.  Chelsea couldn't wait to get away.

Joe (Chicago guy) seems great and tried really hard to chat up all the ladies right away, in a totally unsmarry way.

Bibiana didn't strike me as oversexed on Winter Games but she came off that way here.  If you are just in Paradise for a good time, admit it.  She seemed to be producer favorite at the beginning of the episode and really faded into the background by the end.  I don't think her uterus was tingling for anyone there.

Chris seems just wrong.  I don't know why, just didn't like him.  Then to have his buds gang up on Colton?  Guess we'll see that next week.

The guy who lives with his mom and she waits on him hand and foot?  Why would he think any woman with half a brain would be interested in him?  Last thing I want to do is take care of Man-Boy.

The women look so old.  Is it just me?  Angela is attractive but all the blondes are melding together for me.  And none seem overly attractive.

I've barely heard of Colton and Tia (read about the Becca thing when it happened in a news feed) but I knew Colton would be coming in after Tia hooked up.  I thought it would be another week or two, honestly.  Even I was sick of hearing about Colton by the end of the show.  It's going to be "the thing" all season.

At least Claire didn't come back again, or Sarah.  Then again, they may show up in a few weeks.

Edited by Destiny74
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9 hours ago, backformore said:

Astrid seems obsessed with the Colton/Tia drama - is she there to provide commentary, or does she want to get to know anyone else? 

Speaking of Colton and Tia -  I find it weird that Colton is being seen, by the other BiP folks, as the bad guy here.  He was "falling in love"  with Becca when Tia kind of pulled the plug by telling Becca, "no, I want him!"   That was kind of a bitchy move, IMHO.   Not that Becca would have cut him loose eventually anyway, but  Tia should have left it alone, and then contacted Colton afterwards.   

This is just how BIP goes. The guys can be bad guys, but every woman on the show is a pure, delicate saint just looking for a good guy. The women always get a pass for bad behavior. 

 

They ALL seem obsessed with Tia and Colton. Aren't there like 22 people there now? They should let those two do their own thing and focus on finding their own relationships. Most of these people don't seem interested in talking to anyone 1:1. Didn't Jordan say he came here hoping to meet Annieliese? And after first talking to her we don't see them together again. Seems weird to see him awkwardly alone in the pool with Nysha if he likes Annieliese. 

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6 hours ago, phlebas said:

I love Kendall beyond reason.  But she needs to work on her first-impression patter.  Picnics in graveyards? I'd be fine with it because I fell in love with her during Arie's season, but Grocer Joe seemed a little out of his depth. Not that it slowed him down.

 

4 hours ago, Kbilly said:

Kendall is stunningly beautiful--I can't imagine anyone not being able to stare in her presence. But when "Have you ever seen a dead body?" is your go-to small talk/flirt, that's not great!

Count me in the Kendall fan club. I like her quirkiness. She's different. She reminds me of Ashley Onion, who was also stunning and unconventional. I'd rather watch either of them than Tia and her high school pining for Colton.  

I feel like every time Bibiana is shown on screen she has that one intense look, professing disgust, shock, and excitement all together. In real life she may possess Marcel Marceau levels of expressiveness but either the editors are just playing her or she needs to be more natural on camera. 

Venmo John is so cute. I hope he gets out of the Bachelorverse and finds a normal girl. 

Is it just me or have the contestants become increasingly unlikable over the years? Even in the first seasons of BiP I remember kind of pulling for them to find someone, despite the somewhat ludicrous setting. Tenley, Jade, even Clare seemed sincere. I really couldn't care less what this crew - with a few exceptions - does and can't even finish watching a full episode. 

The franchise needs to go back to finding someone new, who's an actual catch. (<cough>Andrew Firestone<cough>)

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12 hours ago, backformore said:

Speaking of Colton and Tia -  I find it weird that Colton is being seen, by the other BiP folks, as the bad guy here.  He was "falling in love"  with Becca when Tia kind of pulled the plug by telling Becca, "no, I want him!"   That was kind of a bitchy move, IMHO.   Not that Becca would have cut him loose eventually anyway, but  Tia should have left it alone, and then contacted Colton afterwards.   

I agree.  I came on here to ask what the hell happened and how did Colton get to be the bad guy?  It was Tia who blew up his game with Becca.  I thought it was pretty low of her to do that.  I agree with @CindyBee though I didn't know it until she explained it.  Didn't Tia say that she met Colton before he was on the Bachelorette and he didn't call her?  So instead of taking the hint she goes to Becca and basically had him thrown off the season.  I really wanted to say game show instead of season.

9 hours ago, phlebas said:

I love Kendall beyond reason.  But she needs to work on her first-impression patter.  Picnics in graveyards? I'd be fine with it because I fell in love with her during Arie's season, but Grocer Joe seemed a little out of his depth. Not that it slowed him down.

Being Italian, we have picnics in the graveyard all the time.  It is peaceful and there is lots of green spaces, the kids can ride bikes, and we all can pay homage to our dead relatives.  It's a great way to pass on family lore.  We also like to walk around and find famous people or the oldest gravestone.  The kids take tracing paper and pencils to shade over intricate designs on gravestones.

3 hours ago, Destiny74 said:

The guy who lives with his mom and she waits on him hand and foot?  Why would he think any woman with half a brain would be interested in him?  Last thing I want to do is take care of Man-Boy.

What the hell was that?

These people can't read a room, or beach as it were.  "My heart is open", or, "With so many hot people on this beach", I was thinking, "With so many lunatics in one place......."

[runs off to find the dirt on Leo]

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I can’t keep these folks straight. They all run together in a mash of hanky hair, half-naked bodies, poor grammar and sweat. I was hoping for an end of summer crush but the guys are just generically attractive to me. No personal eye candy.

I’m assuming everyone is playing the game and spouting the company line because the idea that the majority of them think they might find their true love is ridiculous. It does speak to how some/most of the Bach family can not move on from their 2 minutes of fame. 

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SO HAPPY to be back in paradise.

A few early ractions: 

1. Bibiana and her red hot chili pepper bathing suit are the everything

2. Joe is seriously the hottest ever. 

3. Kendall could barely keep her tongue in her mouth when she met him.  I'm being literal here.

4. It's so annoying that Colton made me feel bad for Tia. He's the worst.

5. Krystal throwing glitter?!! How did she not get that sh** in her eyes. That intro leaves me worrying for her cornea (corneas?)

6. John, Kenny and Wills (and probably Joe) are too good for this. 

7. Jordan is great. David is terrible. It must be a day that ends in "y"

8. Chris Harrison: This is an honest process about finding true love and also if you don't hook up asap you're out.

Edited by nicgwatchingtv
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11 hours ago, b2H said:

The closed captioning was about every third word, from both Chris and Tia, along with Colton.  It is a speech pathology problem with this generation of people - it's a filler word while they try to put together a coherent thought.

Hopefully, that's all she caught......

I'm in the same 'generation of people' and I do not speak like that.  I noticed the way he spoke specifically because I do not know anybody in real life who speaks like that.  

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Yes, everyone looks hot - but also HOT!   These women need to learn, if you're going to a tropical climate and spending much of the day outdoors, go light on the makeup.  A few of them looked like makeup was melting off their faces. 

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On 8/7/2018 at 7:43 PM, Riplet68 said:

Loved them noticing Krystal’s lack of baby voice.

I hope she watched herself on Arie's season and came to the realisation that the baby voice is horrific.

On 8/8/2018 at 8:50 AM, backformore said:

Astrid seems obsessed with the Colton/Tia drama - is she there to provide commentary, or does she want to get to know anyone else?

She's smart enough to see which way the wind blows, and if she wants her face on TV then she needs to talk up this year's golden couple.

23 hours ago, Kbilly said:

Kevin just randomly slipped it in that Ashley I cheated on him with Jared--can't believe they let that in because the producers seem to love her so much.

Absolutely the best part of the episode! I hope we get to hear more about this, although the producers probably think we will forgive Ashley since her and Jared are TL4ever and coming on later in the season I think (based on previews).

21 hours ago, nlkm9 said:

she seems to think of herself as some type of goddess, she is not that pretty--I still dont understand why she dumped that really cute guy from winter games....

Did I see him on the "coming up this season on BiP" preview?

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I recognize maybe a third of these people! And fewer of the names being mentioned herein!

Jordan and Krystal.  Come on,  show; make them happen!

Grocer Joe needs to play his cards verrry carefully, lest he come off as either too smitten or too much of a cad. He's got the "Bachelor" Brass Ring perhaps within his grasp! 

And Tia is still rat-faced, all angular and pointy. I can't believe the emphasis on her! 

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On 8/8/2018 at 1:56 PM, StatisticalOutlier said:

I'm sad that she's so crass.  Every time I see her, I almost gasp at how effortlessly beautiful she is.

You’re talking about Bibiana? The same Bibiana that’s on this show?  I think she’s easily the least attractive female there (aside from Astrid and the woman from Arie’s season who was scared of everything).  Everything about her - her insides and her outsides - is ugly to me.

Edited to add that I still hate Jordan.  I can’t even like him in a so-horrible-he’s-funny way; he’s just an awful person.  And he has the worst body of all the guys there, which is ironic since he’s a big-time model (in his head).

Edited by mack6986
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1 hour ago, mack6986 said:

You’re talking about Bibiana? The same Bibiana that’s on this show?  I think she’s easily the least attractive female there (aside from Astrid and the woman from Arie’s season who was scared of everything).  Everything about her - her insides and her outsides - is ugly to me.

Yep, that Bibiana.  And I did say I'm saddened by her crassness, so obviously I don't think her insides are particularly beautiful.

But her outsides?  Absolutely.  I like a natural look, and she looks much more natural than many of the women on these shows.  And her hair is shiny and pretty and not tortured looking.  And she looks like she's not scrawny. 

Actually, she reminds me of Debra Winger when she was in Urban Cowboy--which is a good thing in my book.  I thought she was cute as a button.

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I think Bibiana is outwardly one of the most beautiful ones there. She's got a natural beauty that a lot of them lack. She doesn't look like she starves herself to fit into a low dress size. She is, however, a train wreck of a person which makes me sad. 

I also think Kendall is stunning. Again, another natural looking beauty. She's weird, but I like weird. I love that her getting to know you patter involved graveyard picnics and "have you ever seen a dead body". lol If I were there I'd hang out with her, and try to hook up with Wills, Wells and Venmo John and Joe the Grocer. They are the only ones I have much interest in.  

Least attractive to me is, well Tia, both inside and out. There is just absolutely nothing about her I like. At least Raven had beautiful hair. 

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16 minutes ago, Mabinogia said:

I think Bibiana is outwardly one of the most beautiful ones there. She's got a natural beauty that a lot of them lack.

See, all I see when I look at her are those lip fillers.

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16 hours ago, backformore said:

Yes, everyone looks hot - but also HOT!   These women need to learn, if you're going to a tropical climate and spending much of the day outdoors, go light on the makeup.  A few of them looked like makeup was melting off their faces. 

How about they learn to train their faces to be natural and not where make-up?  Who the hell wears make-up to a pool, beach etc?  My mom would scare us girls by telling us a family lore story of how some boy cousin ran screaming from the honeymoon room because his new wife's face was covered with craters once she took off her makeup.  Lesson learned.

So Krystal didn't like how she came off on the Bachelor so she is coming back to get a better opinion........................I can't.  I am dying with laughter......................

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57 minutes ago, jumper sage said:

How about they learn to train their faces to be natural and not where make-up?  Who the hell wears make-up to a pool, beach etc?  My mom would scare us girls by telling us a family lore story of how some boy cousin ran screaming from the honeymoon room because his new wife's face was covered with craters once she took off her makeup.  Lesson learned.

 

Charming. 

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I think it was Nick (?) who was talking to Chelsea "the mom." In his talking heads he was asked what the kid's name was and his guesses were, "Mikey? Danny? Slippy?"

My husband and I have been randomly bursting into laughter all day at the thought of (1) a child named "Slippy"; and (2) an adult thinking that is a reasonable guess for the name of a child. We have been calling random children "Slippy" since then, and I don't think it is going to end. Husband's cousin just had a baby, and it was all I could do not to address the card to, "Mom, Dad and Baby Slippy."

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18 minutes ago, greeneyedscorpio said:

Charming. 

It's true though.  Women that slather on make-up look different with it off and that should be a no no.

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18 minutes ago, jumper sage said:

It's true though.  Women that slather on make-up look different with it off and that should be a no no.

Why?

Are you proposing that men are actually stupid enough as an entire gender not to recognize when women are wearing makeup? Newsflash: my eyelids are not naturally champagne-shimmery, nor am I, as a human, in possession of flawless skin at all times. If others are unable to do the mental math required to understand makeup slightly alters one's appearance maybe one does not possess the requisite mental faculties to be entering into an adult relationship.

But please, tell us more about how the woman's skin texture was a legitimate reason to run screaming from a marriage. I guess I was naively under the impression that relationships like marriages* were meant to be based on more than literal skin-deep qualities.

*obviously not BiP relationships

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I know I'm asking an awful lot from this show, but the others' reaction to Colton's arrival was really strange. They seemed to expect him to be there only for Tia, even though he never said that, and every last one of them was pissed when he dared to talk to any other women on the beach. I don't think it's cute to call "dibs" on a grown man in advance, and Tia managed to effectively poison any other relationships he might have developed in advance. Did Colton show up with a "Property of Tia" brand on his ass?

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I think I missed something.  Where did T & C meet?  Some Bachelor Nation event?  So let me get this straight:  They were hanging out or maybe even dating and he all of a sudden left to go on the B'ette?  That would mean he doesn't care about Tia so why is she waiting for him and crying? 

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10 minutes ago, crgirl412 said:

I think I missed something.  Where did T & C meet?  Some Bachelor Nation event?  So let me get this straight:  They were hanging out or maybe even dating and he all of a sudden left to go on the B'ette?  That would mean he doesn't care about Tia so why is she waiting for him and crying? 

Exactly!

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I think it’s most likely Colton was cast on B’ette BECAUSE he was dating Tia. Production told them they’ll start their story on Bachelorette and continue their storybook romance on BIP, where they would become Bachelor royalty if they got engaged. I do think it’s entirely possible that Colton wasn’t aware of this because the poor dolt always looks like he was just smashed in the head with a frying pan and lost his short-term memory. But Tia was definitely (IMO) all up in this plan. Hell, it seems that EVERYONE (except for Goose) is aware of this master romance plan. Because, think of it, in any other situation, wouldn’t there be some Wrong Reasons accusations? Granted, most people come to Paradise with someone in mind, but the fact that they were together BEFORE the show and Tia is dead set they’re getting back together (why would she think this otherwise???)—and narry a Wrong Reasons utterance?? 

Edited by JenE4 · Reason: Wrong Reasons
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11 hours ago, xtwheeler said:

makeup slightly alters one's appearance 

Oh, there are women out there who know how to apply pounds of makeup that more than slightly alter their appearance. IDK why they would, but they do. And they spend a small fortune doing it. Remember Ashley I's makeup suitcase? The sad thing is, she's not an unattractive girl, but the Kardashians have taught her that she's not good enough so slather on all this shit we shill so we can get richer and richer off your stupidity!

I'm always suspicious of any woman who wears full makeup to the beach, or in bed, especially in bed. Honey, your skin needs to breath sometime!

Of course, when I was a teen and tried to wear makeup I got so agitated with having something on my face that I'd wash it off by lunch (if I made it that far). I still don't wear foundation to this day. Coincidentally (or not so) I have very good skin.

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On 8/8/2018 at 2:35 PM, ClareWalks said:

Bibiana is a disaster but she is perfect BIP material, I must say. At least she didn't come here for one specific guy...TIA. God, if I have to hear her whining about Colton all season, I will throw chitlins at my television. Also I noticed that from certain angles, Tia looked like the spitting image of Tenley in this episode. I know she is generally Raven's twin but I got a lot of Tenley last night.

Predictably, the only one I like so far is Wills. His outfits are as loud as Bibiana.

I am impressed that you have prepared chitlins.  

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2 hours ago, Mabinogia said:

Of course, when I was a teen and tried to wear makeup I got so agitated with having something on my face that I'd wash it off by lunch (if I made it that far). I still don't wear foundation to this day. Coincidentally (or not so) I have very good skin.

Same here!

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3 hours ago, Mabinogia said:

Oh, there are women out there who know how to apply pounds of makeup that more than slightly alter their appearance. IDK why they would, but they do. And they spend a small fortune doing it. Remember Ashley I's makeup suitcase? The sad thing is, she's not an unattractive girl, but the Kardashians have taught her that she's not good enough so slather on all this shit we shill so we can get richer and richer off your stupidity!

I completely agree.  We aren't talking about anyone who does a little blush and lipstick

3 hours ago, Mabinogia said:

Coincidentally (or not so) I have very good skin.

Me too.

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4 hours ago, Mabinogia said:

Oh, there are women out there who know how to apply pounds of makeup that more than slightly alter their appearance. IDK why they would, but they do. And they spend a small fortune doing it. Remember Ashley I's makeup suitcase? The sad thing is, she's not an unattractive girl, but the Kardashians have taught her that she's not good enough so slather on all this shit we shill so we can get richer and richer off your stupidity!

I'm always suspicious of any woman who wears full makeup to the beach, or in bed, especially in bed. Honey, your skin needs to breath sometime!

*insert Glam Shaming PSA here*

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I once had a short term allergy problem with my skin and wore Clinique's total coverage make-up for a few months before going back to my usual cheap Cover Girl liquid.  It wasn't any "more," make-up or slathered on,  it was just more opaque.   If someone has chronic acne or very uneven skin tone and regularly wears the sort of make-up that gives good coverage, that just makes sense to me. 

I'm always surprised when people  can tell who is wearing lots of make-up and who isn't. I remember the year Jade was declared more natural and wholesome than the other women because we could see her freckles -- Jade, the wholesome porn model. 

  As far as I can tell through TV cameras and Spectrum cable,  they are all wearing, foundation, blush, lipstick,  eye liner, mascara,  gobs of hair product, and in most, if not all, cases, false eyelashes, fake hair extensions and $6000 worth of surgically implanted saline inside their breasts.   Given all that, the cost or weight of  the woman's foundation barely counts to me in the naturalness contest.

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It's really an esthetic thing. I prefer when makeup looks more natural (foundation that is). I find skin that is too flawless looks plastic and therefore the person looks fake, as in, they don't look like an actual person because they look like their skin is made of plastic.

Anyone who goes on this kind of show is going to be pretty fake. So all my comments about who looks natural and who does not is on the Bachelor Bell Curve. Some are just better at applying makeup that enhances their beauty while others cake it on like a mask to hid what they must assume is their lack of beauty (otherwise, why would they bother. I mean, I imagine some of these women take hours to get ready in the morning which is just the strangest thing to me since I get up 15 minutes before I walk out my door. Sleep being more important than "putting my face on" lol) Of course I'd also not be caught dead on TV so there's that.

So I'll rephrase my opinion. Bibi applies her makeup in a way that makes her look more like a natural beauty than Ashley I who looks like she puts a mask on every morning.

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Some of the women might need to consult Jordan; he's no doubt got the perfect skincare regimen for the tropics!

And pithy phrases,  too,  like,  "Jordan doesn't sweat the sweat." Or "Jordan's got the glow,  not the glisten." Or "Jordan Skincare is Professionality."

I'd  buy it! ?

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Can someone please explain to me why Colton is getting all this hate from other cast members (I mean, I think I know actually why, but...) on how he handled the Tia situation? Let's recap:

1. Colton and Tia meet before The Bachelorette and have a brief time (a weekend?) together.

2. Colton decides to go on The Bachelorette (knowing it's not Tia, I believe?)

3. On The Bachelorette, Tia tells Becca there is no issue with Becca going after Colton as it is done between them.

4. Colton tells Becca it is done between them.

5. Tia tells Becca that actually, she does have "fillins" for Colton.

6. Becca sends Colton home.

7. Neither Tia nor Colton contact each other.

8. Tia goes on BiP hoping to find Colton, he's not there, so she goes on a date with Chris.

9. Colton shows up and doesn't talk to Tia immediately.

Where in the world did Colton do anything remotely wrong in that list? And don't get me twisted, I don't like Colton. I do think he is a lying famewhore even by Bachelor standards (Goose Gang reason for hating him), but Tia is completely self-centered if she thinks he owes her anything. I'm guessing the reason that other girls hate him is some girl code thing? In any case, Tia is absolutely insufferable.

Moving on, I find the discussion on who finds who attractive pretty interesting, so for data collection purposes (and while I'm making lists) here's my official ranking of the female cast members' attractiveness:

1. Kendall

*GAP*
2. Chelsea

3. Astrid

4. Annaliese

5. Bibianna

6. Nysha

*GAP*
7. Krystal

8. Angela

9. Tia

Honestly, the gap after Kendall is so large that the rest of the list is borderline meaningless. If I were on BiP and Kendall wasn't interested in me I wouldn't even try with the rest of the Day 1 cast. I feel bad putting Angela that low (and below Krystal) because she seems pretty cool, but she's just not my type.

Stray thoughts:

- I sure hope we don't end up hating Joe. I haven't seen anything to indicate that, but it's just a gut feeling that he does something bad.

- Building off that: I always say that the Bachelor series has a lot of parallels with pro wrestling. One of these is that they try to groom characters, often have fan favourites fall into their laps (rather than be the one's they thought would be popular), then they run that character/gimmick into the ground and over-expose them to the point the fans don't like them anymore.

- David seems like an actively shitty person.

- Jordan's commentary is great, it's too bad that he looks like he's gonna get sucked into drama.

- The Goose Gang hyping up Chris at the end was one of the funniest things I've ever seen on the whole series.

- Something about the way Leo says "Have fun with grocery store bitch" in the previews seems so fake to me

- Tia had work done on her boobs, for some reason.

- The change to Wells' intro from last year was a nice touch. Character development and story telling!

- The producers aren't even trying to hide their machinations anymore, are they?

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