JenE4

I think the show changed for two reasons. Yes, the Corrine/Demario debacle, as mentioned. But also, this has become THE Love Journey jackpot! Every summer gives us at least one couple that ACTUALLY ends up getting married! We have Paradise babies! When was the last time an actual main show couple got married? (not rhetorical—it’s been so long that I honestly don’t know.) They don’t even edit contestants to talk to animals or have all of the stupid jokes about itself anymore. It’s become “too sincere”—which then makes it even more obviously flawed that they’re “leaning in” to Demi’s love journey but breaking 20 freaking years of rules to do so! If it was like the “old show” and they just winked at themselves over it and said, hey, it’s good ratings for us to be inclusive and get with the times! We’d be all, great! Let’s “have a cheers” to Demi and her gal! But if they’re trying to shoehorn this into the rules as a genuine chance at love—she already found her love AT HOME and that’s where her journey should continue. Instead, we’ll get the first gay proposal in Bachelor History—and they’ll congratulate themselves over it. That just makes us all cynical. Harrison instead should have said, “Hey, Neil Lane said he’d give us a two-fer to help us bump our ratings.”

Harrison telling a contestant that he loves her seems highly inappropriate. Is he supposed to be like the dad of the show, making a gesture that he “accepts” the LGBTQ audience—saying “taking you however you are” or something like that? That was creepy and awkward—not to mention condescending. I don’t know who this Caitlyn is, but she’s right that Kristina is “difficult to talk to” and “impossible.” Katie is too young to know that Bukowski existed?! Study your Bachelor history, young lady! He is a founding father—especially of the whole Pad/Paradise realm. There would be no Bachelor in Paradise if Bukowski wasn’t such a manwhore making this THE show to watch! You kids think Blake is bad with his twirling kisses and Stagecoach shenanigans? Please! Bukowski fucked THREE girls in ONE SHOW! And not like in “fantasy suites” where these poor girls with no other options had Stockholm Syndrome and thought they’d get engaged. But he got girls with other options in the house to fall in love with him, sleep with him, then he’d move on to the next girl with the other one hysterically crying. You might be thinking, he sounds like a terrible person, but for Wrong Reasons watchers, he’s legendary. Harrison actually retired his jersey when he quit the franchise. Katie tried to do some cool girl reverse psychology telling Chris to date other girls, when she really meant she wants to be exclusive. And then Chris, taking her at her word, thinks she’s not as into him. Now Katie is going to BLAKE for advice on how to communicate that you’re interested in a relationship? Oh, honey, you’re in trouble. Then again, EVERY girl thought she was starting a relationship with Blake, so maybe he is the right person to go to. Nicole’s song and flailing “dance” is...something. Dean & Caelynn and Hannah & not-Blake (forgot his name) are at a 9th grade makeout party in the pool. Why the hell would Demi’s girlfriend stay in Paradise so they can exclusively date?!? This is bullshit. Are we going to bring in another half dozen Stagecoach groupies that Blake probably twirled? Let’s bring on Jed and his girlfriend! You’re choosing your existing girlfriend, Demi. Good for you. Your journey ends here, though. You’ve completed “the process” and aren’t open to meeting more people in Paradise. GO HOME and continue living your life.

First you drag Harrison out of bed for piñatagate, and now you drag him out to the palapa to talk to Demi? Hope he’s getting overtime! Ooh! I’m going on a whale-watching boat tomorrow.

Ooh. That was scary there. Thought the Aztecs were declaring war on Bachelor Nation. Talk about a Most Dramatic moment for our Bachelor History books.

Please, please do not activate Blake’s sexual chakras! They are too powerful! You know not what you shall unleash on Playa Escondido!

Hannah and Caelynn were the pageant girls. I do not believe this Kaitlyn girl was on the show! Did she have any memorable moments?

The gang apparently didn’t watch Kristina filming her into package spilling the tea. She’s obviously 100% here to stir shit up. This is how you get an invite back, people! You need to do production’s biding.

You give us one good tip...then you freak us out with things we can’t unsee.

Those are not gummy bears. What kind of Mexican knock-off candy is that? It looks like broken up sour gummy worms. So I’m guessing this is the crushed and destroyed piñata candy? Ooh. Mariachi band beats sweeped-up, sandy, generic candy.

So they wrapped some toilet paper around Christian’s arm and put a 5-pound ice bag from the bar on his shoulder for the Dramatic scene and then promptly unwrapped him when they sent him home. These guys didn’t even go out cursing Harrison like Chad; what a letdown.

This is the Most Dramatic children’s party game in Bachelor History. Oh, no. Someone woke up Harrison! You boys are in trouble! Harrison is sending them back to their rooms, per Blake. This is why you can’t have nice things.

Caelynn moved on with Dean.

Nicole wanted an aggressive manly man, so now maybe Jordan is back in the running after bodyslamming Christian.

Hmmm. My new theory is Christian is just going to go running down the beach yelling and flailing over that lizard climbing up his shirt. The “fight” was just someone helping to swat the lizard off of him. He couldn’t be stupid enough to try to fight Clay—though Nicole does seem to be hyping him up to act aggressive for her.

What’s Dean doing here, asks Harrison. He just told you—to have a roof over his head and a running shower.