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  1. Okay, last night I slept through most of this and only willed myself awake to see the goddess, as commented on above. Just watched the rest... {Michael clutching his pearls} Megan, how dare you do some sneaky things—trying to uncover the sneaky things I’m doing! If only he knew that Sarah was even sneakier and knows his sneakiness is boundless! ”I don’t recall Bonnie and Clyde having any issues.” If only these two die in a hail of bullet fire! Actually, just get Cheryl. I want to imagine Josh forever hanging out in that “cool ass castle” talking selfies with the dragon. {Retraction: The goddess is on meth, not heroin. Excuse me.} Just having a Long Island iced tea with Charles Manson talking about relationship problems. You know, everyday stuff. Andrea, being a miserable bitch isn’t the way to win Lamar over to staying in Utah. Once again, the children in this family are the only ones with a high IQ and EQ on this whole show; I guess there’s something to be said for being raised in Utah after all. Wow. Britany’s mom is a really bad house-sitter! Could you imagine asking someone to just water the plants and bring in the mail and—oops—I just blew up your whole damn house! Oh, she’s an even worse mom! That’s really sad! No jokes about abandoning your kid—leaving the 12-year-old child so she doesn’t even know how to find you?!? Damn. And no comments, apologies, hugs, or anything now?! How did this dispatcher even understand that Lacey was asking for a John?! Maybe they have a Sean in jail. Earlier she said, “Chon has a problem with trucks.” And I was really confused, but now I realize that “trucks” = “drugs.” Lacy is sad that John has taken himself out of her picture. Because marrying the other one doesn’t mean that she chose Chane, only that Chon has to fight for her harder! Ooh! Megan kissed this guy? Well, to be fair, Michael has staked his claim on a half dozen girls, so there’s no one left for Rock to “talk to.” Rock looks like a supermodel compared to Michael. Girl, trade up for Rock!
  2. Oh, dear. The goddess fell from the top of Mount Olympus and hit every rock on the way down. Then a mountain goat ate her hair when she lay unconscious at the bottom. The prison had to wrap her in a protective bubble because every bone was shattered. Oh, she has to wear this because she has an eating disorder? I guess otherwise she’s so skinny she can slip right between the bars of her jail cell? I think I figured out her diet recipe. Ingredients: heroin Instructions: Shoot up the heroin.
  3. I’d love that! I’ll sit in the bathtub. Lol.
  4. I snorted during that kissing re-enactment! I would love to pop some Asti Spumante with you and be your friend!
  5. My second-favorite moment of the episode was after the lead-up earlier of Brittany saying, “Can you believe that tomorrow is exactly one month to the wedding?!” And then a couple of days later, Jax says to Carter, “Go on a break for one month! You can’t talk to each other!” Haha! Smooth way to disinvite Carter from the wedding in addition to the bachelor party trip! But my favorite moment of the show was the very last minute, where no one SAID anything, but their looks to each other said it all. Kristin gives Carter a “Can you believe these two?! Of course I love you, and we’ll be together forever!” We don’t see Carter’s face, but he obviously agrees and they go in for a loving, emotional embrace. Katie gives Jax a “See?! This is exactly what I’m talking about?! Can you believe this shit?!” And Jax gives a “So, much for all that! How do I break it to Britany that Carter’s coming to the wedding after all?” The pathetic Scheana stuff was pretty good, too. Especially when she “joked” that she’ll remain celebate—unless Brett wants to fertilize her eggs right now?!? Uh, no thanks! Then he has to give her a time-lapse explanation of why he doesn’t want to date her, and her voiceover is “He didn’t really mean it! He kissed me!” Oh, Scheana. She’d take anyone!! Then back to Max and the daggers toward Dayna. The cackling over how stupid Dayna is for thinking that Max thinks she’s special pissed me off. I hope Max and Dayna get married and have a baby named Madison Marie!
  6. Putting this in the episode thread rather than “media” since it’s nothing but memes of the champagne drama—including an awesome gif of the champagne exploding in Kelsey’s face. Last Night "The Bachelor" Gave Us "Champagne-Gate" And I Cannot Thank Chris Harrison Enough The bottle pop heard round the world. Read in BuzzFeed: https://apple.news/AQFVZGoxtSl6jxoFMqvhKxA
  7. Was it Victoria F who attended Peter’s parents’ vow renewal—or some other brunette? I think if whichever girl that was made it to the finals then Peter’s mom would be all blubbering because she “knew” she was meant to be a member of the family from night 1.
  8. What are the producers lacing the champagne with?! There is no conceivable explanation why they are all losing their goddamned minds like this on week 2!
  9. Seriously! They’re in hysterics over Peter! I could understand if it were Tyler or Mike but Peter? He is not worth the puffy eyes!
  10. I loved when Hannah flung her dress in front of Victoria, knowing it would send V in a tailspin. Now V and Kelsey are commiserating about how Hannah is sabotaging them by...having a better personality.
  11. Oh, jeez, now Victoria is crying about nothing and Kelsey is comforting her?! That’s the last person you want emotional support from—she’ll just talk you over the ledge!
  12. How do they have these bags packed already when they don’t know the size of the winner? Oh, nevermind, they’re all size 0.
  13. One of the lapdogs following Kelsey around all night now finally realizes Kelsey is unstable and she’s tired of her histrionics?
  14. Ooh! I knew the producers did this!! Sent Hannah Ann to the champagne and then hid a different bottle behind the couch further on down! How is Kelsey not recognizing it’s a mix up when she attempted to drink from the second, hidden bottle.
  15. The producers did Hannah Ann wrong. There’s no way she knew that was Kelsey’s personal bottle...although half the group seemed to know. Kelsey is going to melt down...worse than she already has been. Hilarious that even BEFORE that a half dozen girls are talking her off the ledge and putting more makeup on her already overly contoured face.
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