the-grey-lady

That's how it goes in Paradise. Once you call "dibs" on someone, they're yours, regardless of how they might actually feel about it. Remember last season, when Tia glommed onto Colton like some kind of succubus and all the other beachgoers decided they were together, Colton's own feelings be damned?

[Flashback to Michael explaining how he ONLY got a BJ in exchange for offering some poor girl a ride home.] Angela: I'M NOT GOING TO MARRY SOMEONE WHO CALLS ME THEIR ELDER. Me: Um...me thinks you're worried about the wrong issue here...

Not only all this (and I so agree), Angela didn't ASK her daughter. She basically demanded an egg, and then, when denied, demanded use of her daughter's womb, and, when her daughter looked understandably dubious, employed all sorts of guilt and manipulation to get her to give in. Nauseating.

[Flashback to Michael explaining how he ONLY got a BJ in exchange for offering some poor girl a ride home.] Angela: I'M NOT GOING TO MARRY SOMEONE WHO CALLS ME THEIR ELDER. Me: Um...

Ah, so there was no shortage of ugly ass shoes. Whew.

She looks like one of those China dolls you see advertised in grocery store rack women's magazines. EYEBROWS ARE SUPPOSED TO INVOLVE HAIR. #thosefuckingcreepyasseyebrows

Caelynn: I'm DONE talking about Blake. [two seconds pass] Caelynn: Now more about Blake blah blah...

Pauline: It's not FAAAAIIIRRR that Dr. Now is blaming ME for my weight gain! Me: Who else's fault could your weight gain be?!

Tony's commitment to authentic Scottish dress is truly awe-inspiring.

Everytime I see a picture of that puke green monstrosity, I'm stunned all over again by how terribly it fits. I mean, it's ugly regardless, but...why did she think that looked good? Wasn't that when Meri was explaining how she had an "edgy" fashion sense? Edgy apparently means hideously unflattering.

Twelve episodes this season -- TWELVE -- and the continuation of Nicole and Azan's epic love story meandered as such: - Nicole attempted to weasel money out of everyone and anyone in order to visit Azan in a more PDA-friendly country. She even considered actual working (although she didn't consider this option for too long or too hard.) This visit was planned and subsequently called off for unknown reasons. - Nicole's family tried -- again -- to talk some sense into Nicole, but it was not to be. - Nicole continued to relay to Azan every detail of her mundane life including the purchase of an avocado. - Nicole dyed her hair the color of McDonald's own Grimace. - Nicole planned to go back to Morocco to -- visit? live? whine? -- purchased a ticket, and then the visit was called off for reasons unknown. - Nicole admitted to lying to her mother about the store that never was, and then whined about how unfair it was to be called on said lying. That's it. That was their entire damn storyline. I swear, Azan isn't even trying anymore. One mumbled, "It's not the same without you and May," and he's undoubtedly harvesting the American dollar once more. I swear -- watch him on their Skype calls, and I really think you can see on his face absolute incredulity at the fact that this scam is STILL going on.

Dear gawwwd, have none of these people attempted to use the word "no"? I'll type up some examples, which means I have to remember names...here goes... Sunhe: I think you should break up with Jason 'cause Mama loves you mostest forEVER. Angelica: No.* *(Bad example, 'cause Jason is a loser, but still. These two are pathological. The mid-morning caressing and hair-stroking! Egads!) You can even jazz up the "no." Dawn: I'm going to be in the delivery room! And come to stay eeeevery weeeekend eeeveer! Jared: Put me down for no. Christina: Mooooom, you've just gotta get your bewbs done so we have matching bewbies! You've gooooottttta! Let's go see a doctoooor! Kathy: Nah, I don't want to. Mariah: You should dress like a two-bit hooker, just like meeeee! And wear lingerie in public! Sandra: No. No no no no. See, it's easy. It's amazing that the combined weight of false eyelashes and no spines whatsoever haven't sent these wretched, dysfunctional duos, and their feckless husbands, crumpling to the ground like cheap lawn chairs. And Sunhe is the big spoon? How is that even a damn thing?

Geez, Janelle, get your caps lock key fixed. Capitalizing "MOST INTERESTING THINGS" does not mean that what you're about to say is interesting. In fact, since you're typing it, I go ahead and assume that whatever you're about to say is entirely un-interesting.

I loved the part when Libby's bitchy-ass sisters were all, "I can't BELIEVE Libby isn't answering the phone while she's in labor! How dare she!" Libby's mother: Who doesn't want their mother there when they're in labor? Libby's sisters: And all their bitchy-ass sisters? Me: Me.

Update: I first saw this photo 10 minutes ago, and I am still staring at it in openmouthed, slack-jawed horror.