S11.E06: An Awkward Valentine's Day

[Galloway Cave]

Quote

Valentine's Day proves to be awkward for a polygamist; at Kody's birthday party, Mariah and her girlfriend  show up with a major announcement.

If Valentine's Day is really that awkward for a polygamist, why are we only now hearing about it? (Because they have run out of real story lines)

A major announcement, that we have already heard about ad nauseam.

Is this season over yet?

[65mickey]

So TLC already has this On Demand. 

[Sofa Sloth]

Loving Kody’s clueless ramblings of  ‘I really don’t know why Robyn’s house (aka his house) sold first when Christine and Janelle have been on the market 6 months’ 

Ugh yes you do. Could have something to do with the fact it was listed with an actual agent not a disinterested amateur like Janelle. Well that AND it also had a monster backyard with proper grass (not tumble weed like the other wives), a train-station sized pergola for entertaining and the interior fixtures weren’t beat into oblivion like Christine and Janelle’s.  

I really can’t remember anything else from this episode. Mariah’s announcement? - 🥱 yeah TLC it happened like 2 years ago, we know. 

How long are we going to beat the dead horse drama of the one house? If this is all we have to sustain a season it’s scraping the barrel even for the Browns. The words  ‘one house’ is the new ‘Catfish’, we should all take a drink every time it’s uttered, it would make this show much more interesting if nothing else. 🤷‍♀️ 

Edited February 9, 2020 by Sofa Sloth

[Kohola3]

1 hour ago, Sofa Sloth said:

The words  ‘one house’ is the new ‘Catfish’, we should all take a drink every time it’s uttered, it would make this show much more interesting if nothing else.

I have no intention of inducing liver failure, thank you very much.

[Kbo]

I laughed like a 12-year old when Christine was bleating on about how she couldn’t be master of her own domain if they were all in one house 😂.

Editing to add—I think a couple people misunderstood, there’s a famous Seinfeld episode that gave a whole meaning to that phrase.  I think it’s safe to say Christine never watched Seinfeld.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Contest

Edited February 11, 2020 by Kbo

[Kyanight]

6 minutes ago, Kbo said:

I laughed like a 12-year old when Christine was bleating on about how she couldn’t be master of her own domain if they were all in one house 😂

It's fairly obvious that they don't really like each other all that much.

[deirdra]

32 minutes ago, Kbo said:

I laughed like a 12-year old when Christine was bleating on about how she couldn’t be master of her own domain if they were all in one house 😂

Apparently she has never watched (or understood) Seinfeld.

[Sandy W]

33 minutes ago, deirdra said:

Apparently she has never watched (or understood) Seinfeld.

Great analogy Deirdra🤣 !!!  Especially given the subject matter of that particular Seinfeld episode.

[Grifter Lives]

They covered Valentine's Day in an early season.  Kody went to the florist and asked for four bouquets, announcing that he was a polygamist.   The florist was then interviewed and provided the obligatory, "I've never met a polygamist, and I don't care why someone buys from me."  I can't imagine that the script will change tonigh- they even used it for the dumb pillowcase purchase two weeks ago.

[Kyanight]

3 minutes ago, Grifter Lives said:

They covered Valentine's Day in an early season.  Kody went to the florist and asked for four bouquets, announcing that he was a polygamist.   The florist was then interviewed and provided the obligatory, "I've never met a polygamist, and I don't care why someone buys from me."  I can't imagine that the script will change tonigh- they even used it for the dumb pillowcase purchase two weeks ago.

Yes.  I can just see it.  Small business owner says:  "I'm sorry.  I can only sell one per customer."  

[deirdra]

Some fathers buy Valentine flowers for their daughters, but Kootie would never think of that.  

I'm not a fan of cut (dead) flowers - withering is not a good sign for a marriage.

Edited February 9, 2020 by deirdra

[DakotaJustice]

2 hours ago, deirdra said:

 

I'm not a fan of cut (dead) flowers - withering is not good sign for a marriage.

I like sunflowers - they're cheap, not as messy or fussy as roses, and they last a long time (except one of my cats enjoys chewing on them from time to time - doesn't seem to hurt her though).

[crimson23]

7 hours ago, Sofa Sloth said:

ama of the one house? If this is all we have to sustain a season it’s scraping the barrel even for the Browns. The words  ‘one house’ is the new ‘Catfish’, we should all take a drink every time it’s uttered, it would make this show much more interesting if nothing else. 🤷‍♀️ 

that's what they do.  I am rewatching the older seasons.  There has to be at least 20 episodes over several seasons where Meri brings up the catfishing. It's always the same.  " I was talkin' TUH a man online..  I was talkin'  TUH someone online, I thought was a man.... I don't even want to she say the word Catfishin'."   But she keeps bringing it up. 

Remember the episode where Meri is telling Kody and Robyn about her trip to meet up with another of Jackie's catfishin' victims, and he berates Robyn for referring to her as a Victim.  But later in the same episode has no issue with her Georgia friend using the word Victim. 

I think Meri enjoyed being Catfished, She finally got some attention and won't let it go.

[Sofa Sloth]

3 hours ago, crimson23 said:

that's what they do.  I am rewatching the older seasons.  There has to be at least 20 episodes over several seasons where Meri brings up the catfishing. It's always the same.  " I was talkin' TUH a man online.. 

Remember the episode where Meri is telling Kody and Robyn about her trip to meet up with another of Jackie's catfishin' victims, and he berates Robyn for referring to her as a Victim.  But later in the same episode has no issue with her Georgia friend using the word Victim. 

I think Meri enjoyed being Catfished, She finally got some attention and won't let it go.

Yep this irritated me too. Either you’re a victim or you’re a willing participant Meri.  
I don’t care for Mariah, but she was absolutely correct when she said that Meri wouldn’t take responsibility for the part she played (in what she thought was a love affair), and she should have been held accountable if she didn’t want to be seen as a victim. 

Old Mare wanted to claim the victim angle though, to absolve herself of blame and so continually referred to how she was duped, but yet didn’t want to be called a victim? Moron. You can’t have it both ways. 🙄

I do think Meri continually dragged it out and brought it up, because she felt (and maybe rightly so) that her drama sustained that season and kept them on the air, so she just wanted to keep reminding her family of her sacrifice. 

 

Edited February 10, 2020 by Sofa Sloth

[kicotan]

I’ve often wondered if there is a place in AUB Heaven for women who don’t marry. I’ve read up on it as much as I can seek out but, unfortunately there isn’t a lot of information out there regarding female adherents to The AUB Religion that don’t marry.

I guess it’s a big DILL.

[SunnyBeBe]

I normally like Christine but she annoyed me in this episode. She’s too insecure. All the stuff she says her younger kids think....no, that’s what SHE thinks. 

[crimson23]

31 minutes ago, Sofa Sloth said:

Yep this irritated me too. Either you’re a victim or you’re a willing participant Meri.  
I don’t care for Mariah, but she was absolutely correct when she said that Meri wouldn’t take responsibility for the part she played (in what she thought was a love affair), and she should have been held accountable if she didn’t want to be seen as a victim. 

She was a more than a willing participant.  Kody himself says that at times when he was at her house, she was on the phone with the bad people. She didn't even hide it.  If you had the misfortune of listening to the voice mails she left "Sam" or saw the pics she volunteered to send him, she was right there in it.  She  doesn't ever own anything, and played the victim the whole life in ever situation. She distances herself and then turns around and cries that no one accepts her or trusts her.   I am watching the Maddie birth episodes and once again, distorts what really happened.  She shows up, takes off and then turns around and claims no one wanted her there. 

[deirdra]

Kootie's argument that owning a fourth/fifth of a house gives you something to sell if you bail out of the marriage made no sense.  What if the other 4 can't afford to buy you out or carry the house without you?  You cannot sell your portion to anyone outside the fambly, whereas a single family home can be more easily sold.

[Gramto6]

27 minutes ago, deirdra said:

Kootie's argument that owning a fourth/fifth of a house gives you something to sell if you bail out of the marriage made no sense.  What if the other 4 can't afford to buy you out or carry the house without you?  You cannot sell your portion to anyone outside the fambly, whereas a single family home can be more easily sold.

This!! In that "one house" no one can leave and have any type of equity/something to sell unless to another wife...and if Kootie is deceased...no new wifey. At their stage of life one home is a rilly bad idea.

[Misslindsey]

8 hours ago, deirdra said:

Some fathers buy Valentine flowers for their daughters, but Kootie would never think of that.  

My mom still gives me some sort of valentine (usually wine) from my cat. 

[Kyanight]

Audrey and Mariah make a really cute couple.  I find it strange that Kody accepts it as well as he does.  I wonder if he struggled with this off-camera for awhile, before he was so accepting.  It really does make you wonder why he is in this lifestyle if he is so nonreligious.

[Gramto6]

8 minutes ago, Kyanight said:

Audrey and Mariah make a really cute couple.  I find it strange that Kody accepts it as well as he does.  I wonder if he struggled with this off-camera for awhile, before he was so accepting.  It really does make you wonder why he is in this lifestyle if he is so nonreligious.

He's in this lifestyle because he is a horn dog and did you know he has 4 wives!! Four!! He's just after the booty calls.

[Jeanne222]

12 hours ago, Sofa Sloth said:

Loving Kody’s clueless ramblings of  ‘I really don’t know why Robyn’s house (aka his house) sold first when Christine and Janelle have been on the market 6 months’ 

Ugh yes you do. Could have something to do with the fact it was listed with an actual agent not a disinterested amateur like Janelle. Well that AND it also had a monster backyard with proper grass (not tumble weed like the other wives), a train-station sized pergola for entertaining and the interior fixtures weren’t beat into oblivion like Christine and Janelle’s.  

I really can’t remember anything else from this episode. Mariah’s announcement? - 🥱 yeah TLC it happened like 2 years ago, we know. 

How long are we going to beat the dead horse drama of the one house? If this is all we have to sustain a season it’s scraping the barrel even for the Browns. The words  ‘one house’ is the new ‘Catfish’, we should all take a drink every time it’s uttered, it would make this show much more interesting if nothing else. 🤷‍♀️ 

Heck I've been taking a shot every time Robyn says whiplash!!!

[Lady of nod]

58 minutes ago, SunnyBeBe said:

I normally like Christine but she annoyed me in this episode. She’s too insecure. All the stuff she says her younger kids think....no, that’s what SHE thinks. 

Christine is really feeling herself this season. Isn't she the one who wanted the family not just the man? Yeah, as long as she doesn't have to be around them. I'm not liking her at all. She has moved up to #1 wife I can 't stand. They've all been there at on time or another for me  except Janelle  I think she's the most likeable and authentic of any of them  

And Meri could not be more checked out of this. She doesn't even have an opinion anymore. Cody has shut her out for her imaginary boyfriend while he's sleeping with 4 women ( well maybe only 2) Such misogynist hypocrisy. 

[Jeanne222]

19 minutes ago, Kyanight said:

Audrey and Mariah make a really cute couple.  I find it strange that Kody accepts it as well as he does.  I wonder if he struggled with this off-camera for awhile, before he was so accepting.  It really does make you wonder why he is in this lifestyle if he is so nonreligious.

Poor Audrey  is about double the size she once was.  I was shocked!

I don't think Kody approved of this lifestyle.  I saw no getting up off the chair to hug and congratulate them.

He always seems angry when any mention of their relationship.

[Kyanight]

4 minutes ago, Jeanne222 said:

Poor Audrey  is about double the size she once was.  I was shocked!

I don't think Kody approved of this lifestyle.  I saw no getting up off the chair to hug and congratulate them.

He always seems angry when any mention of their relationship.

Do you think he only acts accepting for the cameras  - so as to not alienate the viewing audience?  I've wondered about that, a time or two.  But to be fair.... the only time I ever saw Kody fly out of his chair to hug and congratulate anyone was Caleb and Maddie.  Cuz he loves Caleb so, you know.  His favorite son and all.  (Yes, I know.  He's a son-in-law.)

[DaphneCat]

I mentioned this on the live chat but no one answered.  When they were on the couch, shortly after the conversation about showing affection (where  Meri was the only one who didn't bother raising her hand) it really looked like Meri was making eye contact and smirking at someone.  Did anyone else notice?

And when he gave out the flowers, Kody was like "Meri, I HAD to buy you these, but you'll notice I didn't even bother taking them out of the box."

6 minutes ago, Jeanne222 said:

I don't think Kody approved of this lifestyle.  I saw no getting up off the chair to hug and congratulate them.

I think he's more pissed that they would dare to live together and it's acknowledged on the show.  That's why he kept pushing them to hurry up the wedding.  Wanted them to "make it legal."

[Meowwww]

I think Kody was pissed that they “ruined” his self-centered birthday with their announcement. 
besides, this is such old news.  Blah. 

[Adeejay]

Christine is my favorite, however, I have to admit that she is quite the hypocrite. Whatever happened to, “I wanted sister wives; I didn’t just want the man?” Somebody should probably tell her that she can be in denial all she wants, but that doesn’t negate the fact that Kody is sleeping with other women.

I think Kody wants Mariah and Audrey to get married ASAP to secure another season.

[Jeanne222]

8 minutes ago, Kyanight said:

Do you think he only acts accepting for the cameras  - so as to not alienate the viewing audience?  I've wondered about that, a time or two.  But to be fair.... the only time I ever saw Kody fly out of his chair to hug and congratulate anyone was Caleb and Maddie.  Cuz he loves Caleb so, you know.  His favorite son and all.  (Yes, I know.  He's a son-in-law.)

Maybe because Kody sure knows about ratings.

He doesn't say much just looks so angry.

You can just tell when somebody is happy for you and when somebody is not!

Also right away he started with the why the wait!  I donno he just seems unhappy with the union.

[Sofa Sloth]

41 minutes ago, Kyanight said:

Audrey and Mariah make a really cute couple.  I find it strange that Kody accepts it as well as he does.  I wonder if he struggled with this off-camera for awhile, before he was so accepting.  It really does make you wonder why he is in this lifestyle if he is so nonreligious.

I feel like Kody definitely struggles internally with it, but it appears his religious beliefs always take a backseat to his desire for money and fame.  Financing  the lifestyle they’ve all become accustomed too is his main concern; a lesbian wedding is good for ratings and keeping this borefest on air. He can probably negotiate a whole session out of it.

It would be incredibly interesting if the cameras weren’t around, how different his acceptance would be... 

[Kyanight]

1 minute ago, DaphneCat said:

I mentioned this on the live chat but no one answered.  When they were on the couch, shortly after the conversation about showing affection (where  Meri was the only one who didn't bother raising her hand) it really looked like Meri was making eye contact and smirking at someone.  Did anyone else notice?

And when he gave out the flowers, Kody was like "Meri, I HAD to buy you these, but you'll notice I didn't even bother taking them out of the box."

I think he's more pissed that they would dare to live together and it's acknowledged on the show.  That's why he kept pushing them to hurry up the wedding.  Wanted them to "make it legal."

I can't wrap my head around the last paragraph - maybe I need to get some sleep.  I didn't see Meri smirking at anyone - I will have to watch that part again.  But there is NO affection between Kody and Meri.  When they took trips to Arizona to look at plots of land it seemed like she wanted him to be affectionate again, but he couldn't bring himself to even touch her.

[Jeanne222]

I noticed Meri smirking quite a bit throughout the show.  Especially when Kody was making his one house pitch.

Three wives listening and commenting while Meri was turned toward the camera crew with her nasty smirk!

She exhausts me!!!

Edited February 10, 2020 by Jeanne222

[Adeejay]

I don’t believe Kody accepts the fact that his daughter is a lesbian. However, there’s nothing he can do about it, except fume in private. They made a point of showing the scene when Mariah came out. Every one but her father jumped up to hug her.

 Someone should probably file missing reports for Logan and Tony.

 

[ciaoformeow]

1 hour ago, Gramto6 said:

This!! In that "one house" no one can leave and have any type of equity/something to sell unless to another wife...and if Kootie is deceased...no new wifey. At their stage of life one home is a rilly bad idea.

He didn't say that though. 

He actually said something along the lines of whatever assets you have take that to leave the family. At THIS stage of the game it makes sense because each owned her own house (and in Meris case, an additional B&B). So he's basically saying, if you don't like, sell your shit and use that money to leave. 

 

Then if you only had shared assets, he said they'd figure out a way to buy you out so you could leave. 

[Gramto6]

4 minutes ago, Adeejay said:

I don’t believe Kody accepts the fact that his daughter is a lesbian. However, there’s nothing he can do about it, except fume in private. They made a point of showing the scene when Mariah came out. Every one but her father jumped up to hug her.

 Someone should probably file missing reports for Logan and Tony.

 

No! I think Logan and surprise, surprise Tony are the smartest of this bunch of dimwits. They are distancing themselves from this bunch of yahoos.

[ciaoformeow]

53 minutes ago, Jeanne222 said:

Poor Audrey  is about double the size she once was.  I was shocked!

I don't think Kody approved of this lifestyle.  I saw no getting up off the chair to hug and congratulate them.

He always seems angry when any mention of their relationship.

I just think he was low key pissed because it was HIS birthday and how dare they make HIS birthday all about them.

I mean, even though Kody is totally an attention whore, I still can't blame him. Announce your engagement the next day, or a day before - with a family of 790 people I'd want my own day to shine. 🤣

Edited February 10, 2020 by lilsadone

[crimson23]

1 hour ago, Gramto6 said:

This!! In that "one house" no one can leave and have any type of equity/something to sell unless to another wife...and if Kootie is deceased...no new wifey. At their stage of life one home is a rilly bad idea.

One house is totally unrealistic.  Right now, Janelle only has 2 kids at home.  Half of the kids are already moved on and never going to Flagstaff to live permanently.  By the time a house can be finished, there will be less kids around.  It will be empty with zero resale value. 

[Tabbygirl521]

Kody said something like, Can you imagine us having this amazing noise? Then it will be easy for all the kids to come home.

kody, you’re dreaming. they’ll come, or they won’t, depending on if hey want to be with family  

Why the hell cant they have additional individual entrances? Most houses have more than one door, and huge houses SHOULD have multiple entrances for safety reasons alone. 

Edited February 10, 2020 by Tabbygirl521

[monagatuna]

So, a couple questions because I only watched a little of this show (Robyn's wedding and part of the current season) outside of the forums.

1. Who are Pudge and Sludge? Is that the lesbian couple? Because I may be biased--I think they are cute and sweet and I think it's very unusual for fundamentalist family to be accepting of LGBT+ couples.

2. If the polygamous families consider themselves to be "under the tent" and as persecuted as LGBT couples, why do they hate us? If they want to align their fight with ours with regard to marriage equality, why do fundamentalists generally not recognize LGBT rights? Or are these separate sects I'm referring to? Apologies, I'm not religious, but I'm struggling to find the connect and/or disconnect here.

3. If these people are all about polygamy, and are all cool with sharing a husband for several decades, why is it such a problem that he goes on a date with them every so often? I mean, when I was dating around, I knew people I dated were dating other people but I'd still not be OK with seeing them out on a date, but...I'm monogamous. If I bought into a poly lifestyle I'd have to find a way to be OK with my partner being happy with other people. Polyamorous people call it compersion, do polygamous Mormons not have this concept?

Edited February 10, 2020 by monagatuna

[Tdoc72]

2 hours ago, DaphneCat said:

 

And when he gave out the flowers, Kody was like "Meri, I HAD to buy you these, but you'll notice I didn't even bother taking them out of the box."

 

He did say the box was so it would be easier for her to take home. I’d think a box bottom would be much easier than a vase bottom. 

[Yeah No]

The more this season goes on the more I think the "one house" idea is just for the show.  Of course they're all going to disagree just to create drama.  Already they're being inconsistent, especially Robin, rocket scientist that she is.  They get squicky about seeing the others coming and going with Kody on "dates" but seem to have no problem with light PDAs between him and the other wives.  I don't get it.  They seemed to have no problem seeing the other wives getting flowers on Valentine's day but can't watch them walk through the common hallway with Kody?  WTF?  None of this makes any sense.  They signed on to be one family but don't like living as one family.  Again it looks to me like they are all 4 separate wives living separate "monogamist" lives and only want to be reminded that they are living in a polygamous marriage on holidays and special occasions (for the benefit of the cameras, of course). 

58 minutes ago, monagatuna said:

So, a couple questions because I only watched a little of this show (Robyn's wedding and part of the current season) outside of the forums.

1. Who are Pudge and Sludge? Is that the lesbian couple? Because I may be biased--I think they are cute and sweet and I think it's very unusual for fundamentalist family to be accepting of LGBT+ couples.

Yes that's what this board tends to call them, but only because if you follow their SM you would see that they are not as cute and sweet anymore as when this was filmed.  As others have theorized I too think Kody is swallowing his real feelings about their relationship because he doesn't want to look like a big fat hypocrite to the public.  He wants to come off as open minded about alternate lifestyles because he's essentially living in one, so he can't out of the other side of his mouth condemn another alternate lifestyle, at least not publicly.

Edited February 10, 2020 by Yeah No

[JDAlexander]

2 hours ago, Adeejay said:

I don’t believe Kody accepts the fact that his daughter is a lesbian. However, there’s nothing he can do about it, except fume in private. They made a point of showing the scene when Mariah came out. Every one but her father jumped up to hug her.

 Someone should probably file missing reports for Logan and Tony.

 

Logan and Tony aren't missing--they're runaways! 

[jacksgirl]

Of course Janelle loved Lehi and the one house. She went to work all day and came home to her kids fed and cared for by Christine and Logan. The one house is nothing but a plot device for this season. They are never building it. Meri is so over this whole thing. 

[ErikaAlyson]

I actually sat down and watched a entire episode like I used to years ago haha. I’m shocked Christine is so against all living together. I think she is finally super satisfied with her and Kody’s relationship and doesn’t want anything to ruin it for her. Meri seemed uncomfortable and very unhappy at certain points on the couch I noticed. Robyn is very affectionate with Kody in front of the other ladies. She doesn’t seem like she would be a “sweet” person haha. It’s so funny to me how Janelle doesn’t seem to care at times about Kody and her lol. I love it 

[lookeyloo]

8 hours ago, Sofa Sloth said:

Yep this irritated me too. Either you’re a victim or you’re a willing participant Meri.  
I don’t care for Mariah, but she was absolutely correct when she said that Meri wouldn’t take responsibility for the part she played (in what she thought was a love affair), and she should have been held accountable if she didn’t want to be seen as a victim. 

Old Mare wanted to claim the victim angle though, to absolve herself of blame and so continually referred to how she was duped, but yet didn’t want to be called a victim? Moron. You can’t have it both ways. 🙄

I do think Meri continually dragged it out and brought it up, because she felt (and maybe rightly so) that her drama sustained that season and kept them on the air, so she just wanted to keep reminding her family of her sacrifice. 

 

Or the producers told her to as part of their “scripted reality”

[DakotaJustice]

6 hours ago, Gramto6 said:

No! I think Logan and surprise, surprise Tony are the smartest of this bunch of dimwits. They are distancing themselves from this bunch of yahoos.

I think most of the grown boys are distancing, not just Logan. It doesn't mean they don't love their parents - they just choose not to be on the show, or perhaps real life matters more to them, now.  I say kudos to them for knowing that reality TV isn't their future. 

[readheaded]

6 hours ago, Adeejay said:

I don’t believe Kody accepts the fact that his daughter is a lesbian. However, there’s nothing he can do about it, except fume in private. They made a point of showing the scene when Mariah came out. Every one but her father jumped up to hug her.

 Someone should probably file missing reports for Logan and Tony.

 

I don’t think he even acts like he’s her father.  They don’t seem to have any connection at all.  If you didn’t know better, you’d think the age was Meri’s daughter and Kody’s step-daughter hat he didn’t know or raise from her childhood. 

[laurakaye]

 

Spoiler

 

Previously on Robyn’s World Sister Wives:

Kody pontificates about “his house.”  Robyn, in an Oscar-worthy performance, tells us that Kody is giving her “flippin’ whiplash.”  Christine breath-whispers, “we’re DROWN-dingk!”  Oh, the dramz.

Our episode begins as Kody, sporting a fresh “Toni” perm, gathers his wife and three former side-pieces to discuss that stupid house again.  Before Kody can begin, Robyn interrupts to let everyone know that her house – on the market for two weeks with a realtor NOT named Janelle Brown – already has an offer.  The other three women, whose homes have been up for sale for six months with nary a bite - pretend to be thrilled and amazed, but inside you know they’re all seething with rage.  Robyn has a talking head where she tries valiantly to work up some fake tears while she rhapsodizes that the sale of her house is the beginning of the end of the Vegas cul-de-sac.  Oh, shut up, Robyn.  Kody then pretends to fiddle with the knobs and switches on his computer in an effort to avoid eye contact with his women before beginning Prairie Plague Pretend Palace Presentation Part Deux.  He rambles on about how each wife’s turret or whatever has a door to his “loft.”  Christine, desperate for something positive to say, whispers that she likes the brick on the outside of the house.  Janelle, who is clearly on board with this house only because she knows it’s never going to happen, is positively giddy about moving back under one roof with her ex-brother-in-law and his wife, as well as Christine and that orange shrew quietly pouting in the corner of the couch.  Let me just pause to say: Janelle, you can shut up, too.  Gosh, and we’re only five minutes into this episode.  Time to top off my cheap merlot, BRB. 

Good thing I’ve got a refill, because here comes a segment about a door.  Yes, a DOOR.  Turns out that there are these crazy rules about building a multi-level palatial mansion in the woods in Flagstaff, AZ.  Apparently, there can only be one entry door if it’s going to be a single-family dwelling.  Makes sense, right?  But oh, the anguish!  The inhumanity!  Because in case you forgot for a hot second, this is a PLYG family.  Did you even know that?  So the one entry door is a problem, because what if the Kodester has a hot date with Christine?  Are the other wives supposed to stand there and high-five him on the way out the door?  This argument comes from Robyn, of course, because she has failed to shut up as I asked.  And here’s where I get rilly, rilly mad – I actually agree with Janelle on something.  Janelle points out that in Kody’s Dream House, the women will all have their own wings, so it’s highly unlikely that they would happen to be standing there as Kody escorts his lady-du-jour out the front door for a Big Mac and a matinee.  The only way this becomes a problem would be if the other women were hanging out in Kody’s common area (ew), or listening at the front door for the dating duo to return.  I hate that she’s correct about this.  Robyn says that she wouldn’t want to run into a wife post-date, and Janelle is like - but that wouldn’t happen!  Robyn says, what if we had a fight on our date night and we’re yelling when we walk in the common front door?  And Janelle says, if you can’t act like a lady and gentleman, then you deserve to be overheard!  This entire argument is one of the stupidest wastes of time I have ever seen on any reality show ever, and I used to watch Flavor of Love.  Then Robyn bloviates in an interview about how metal, when heated, can do one of two things – it can meld together or it can break apart.  I think this was supposed to be a poorly executed metaphor for her family…or perhaps she was talking about how she makes jool’ry for MSWC - in which case, if her jool’ry is breaking apart, it’s no wonder the business went under.  Also, shut up, Robyn.

Next, we move onto the subject of Valentine’s Day.  In case you forgot again, the Browns are plygs which makes Valentine’s Day very awkward because, you know, four wives and all.  Of course there’s always the option for the adults to simply not celebrate this particular holiday but what fun would that be when they can spend the holiday marinating under layers of heartbreak and jealousy?  Anywho, I guess that when Robyn entered the family, she declared that Valentine’s Day should be celebrated by gathering the whole clan for fondue, so that’s the new Brown family tradition!  Well, now I’m rilly looking forward to the next Brown Family Arbor Day, when Robyn does an interpretive dance wearing nothing but a few strategically-placed oak leaves.  Tradition!

The fam gathers at Robyn’s house (I think) for Family Fondue Night.  Axel toddles in, pacifier firmly in mouth, with Maddie behind him.  Kody hands out flowers to all his wives, and I find it so very Kody-esque that each time he hands a wife flowers, he coos, “Aren’t they pretty?  Aren’t these flowers so lovely?”  I mean – isn’t that kind of what the wife is supposed to say upon receiving said flowers?  But it has to be all about Kody, so he’s basically congratulating himself for his own flower choices.  What a tool.  But NOW for the fun part!  In case there are 0.00002 of you who think that Robyn doesn’t completely rule this family, once Kody hands Robyn her flowers, she puts on a display of giving Kody a hug and a kiss, IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.  Interspersed with this is a couch session where Kody declares that polygamy kills romance and a discussion of how a plyg husband doesn’t show his wives affection in front of the others.  On the couch, three of the four wives giddily discuss how, if a certain wife is getting visits from lil’ Kody, then him showing another wife some affection is no big dill, but if there’s tension between Kody and a wife, witnessing affection towards another wife is going to hurt.  Robyn, Christine and even freakin’ Janelle go on and on about living plyg and physical affection but I fail to catch everything they’re saying because I can’t take my eyes off of Meri, who sits in her usual spot on the couch unmoving, unblinking, glaring at the camera, and most definitely not participating in this particular giggle-fest.  If looks could kill, there would be nothing alive within a 100-mile radius.  Robyn gets a solo talking head where she states that hey, her husband (HUSBAND, did you catch that?) bought her flowers and she felt like thanking him with a hug and kiss, so dammit, that’s exactly what she did, and everyone else can just dill with it.  It’s fascinating, really, the dynamics of these screwed-up adults pretending that they are actually one big happy family when we first get a discourse about how physical affection is taboo, but then Robyn decides it’s okay because she said so.  Also, SHUT!  UP!  RO!  BYN!!

FINALLY, the last merciful segment tells us that it’s Kody’s 51st birthday.  On the couch, he tells us that 50 is the new 35 because he believes he’s hotter and in better shape now than he’s ever been.  Robyn, Janelle and Christine coo and fuss over Kody’s sexy gray hair while Meri continues to appear to have been carved from a block of rare orange stone, so still and unmoving is she.  Once again, the family gathers at someone’s house – who the hell knows whose it is, these people move so often.  Christine is wearing a t-shirt that says “Home is Where Your Wives Are,” and hands out a shirt to all the wives for them to wear.  Christine then gives Kody a gift of pillows embroidered with that same stupid sentiment.  The embroidery lady sure made a killing when Christine walked through her door!  Suddenly, Pudge and Audge walk into the house!  Surprise!  No one knew they were coming, not even Meri!  Kody reads aloud a lavishly written birthday card about how wonderful he is, signed from his “adoring family.”  Mariah says, “from your growing family?”  Kody corrects her – “no, adoring family – unless you want it to grow?”  Mariah takes Audge’s hand, which is adorned with an engagement ring, and says, “I’d like it to grow by one!”  Much exaltations and hugs occur.  And once again, Meri had no idea!  And you all know just how much that has to grind her gears.  Pudge tells the fam how she proposed to Audge at the Women’s March, and that they will probably get married in three years, after Pudge finishes school (snicker).  Upset that he’s no longer in the spotlight on his birthday, Kody decries that three years is ridiculous, school is ridiculous, and these two are ridiculous for not wanting to get married within his proscribed 6 to 9 month ideal.  On the couch, Meri finally perks up because for once, they are talking about something that she can participate in.  Kody says that because he basically married his wives within 15 minutes of meeting them, he thinks three years is far too long to wait.  Because when it’s not all about Robyn, it’s all about Kody.  Have I told Kody to shut up yet?  I can’t remember.  But he should.

Finally, back at Kody’s birthday party, we come to the end of this episode with a weird segment of Maddie yelling to everyone that she needs help unloading her trailer, because Caleb has already moved to North Carolina and Maddie had to move from Vegas but is going to stay in Flagstaff for a few weeks to keep packing up her Vegas house before she heads to NC.  Did you follow that?  Me neither.  But now we know exactly why Janelle couldn’t unload those houses – she was pretending to play Real Estate Agent when what she was probably doing was visiting Axel in Vegas and feeding him canned cabbage.

Bottoms up!

 

Hope y'all got some strong coffee for this one.

 

Edited February 10, 2020 by laurakaye

[Phoebe70]

Kody's reaction to Mariah's engagement announcement? "Let's eat!  I'm starving!"  Dude couldn't even be bothered to get up from his recliner.