Small Talk: The Prayer Closet

[ozziemom]

Sending you a virtual hug @GeeGolly, glad to hear your son is improving. Tough for anyone to be in the hospital right now.

[Scarlett45]

2 hours ago, GeeGolly said:

Some of you know one of my kids has had serious health issues, off and on, throughout his life. He's also an extremely private guy. I'm convincing myself I'm not dishonoring his privacy because y'all don't know who we are.

He's been in the hospital since last week with what was a life threatening issue. It unfolded slowly, then quite rapidly. He's headed in the right direction and will be home as early as tomorrow, more likely by Friday.

I kinda just wanted to release to this, to assist in my decompressing.

I am so sorry for your son! And you as a Mom having to worry. I’m glad he’s on the mend. 

[Minivanessa]

@GeeGolly, I'm glad your son is recovering and will be able to go home soon. Hugs.

[Mindthinkr]

@GeeGolly I think of this group as a safe spot. I’m glad you were able to vent some of your worries. I’ll pray for you son and be here if you need to discuss it further. We care about you too. 

[louannems]

9 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

I am very very tempted to make brownies this weekend with all of the talk in the thread! lol

With all this brownie- making, I'm curious.  Do you guys make them from scratch or use a box mix.  I use the recipe on the back of the Hershey baking cocoa can.

[Scarlett45]

1 minute ago, louannems said:

With all this brownie- making, I'm curious.  Do you guys make them from scratch or use a box mix.  I use the recipe on the back of the Hershey baking cocoa can.

Scratch. I half a recipe of the Queen, Ms Ina Garten’s Outrageous Brownies. 

[Zella]

@GeeGolly I'm sorry to hear about your son's health scare, but I'm so glad to hear he's doing better.

@Turquoise I'm so sorry to hear that you and your husband both have covid. 

@BetyBee and @Scarlett45, I'll have to check out that Walk Away The Pounds program. I remember thinking the program you were using, Scarlett, sounded pretty good, but I'd forgotten all about the name of it. 

[louannems]

7 hours ago, Jeanne222 said:

I'd love to be on a beach anywhere!  There's a saying about tucking really  nice days in your pocket and pulling them out when you need them.

During this quarantine I've about emptied my pockets!

 

I live 2 1/2 hours from the Pacific ocean.  In Washington state.  I actually spent one week there in December.  I'd never gone to the ocean in December and it was great!  I also ate a plate of the best oysters ever (Willapa Bay oysters) outside during a torrential rain and wind storm.  I was the only patron at the restaurant and they didn't have any outdoor heater.  Just a roof and open sides.  It was an experience, for sure.

Our state just reopened for 25% indoor dining.  Today I ate in a Vietnamese restaurant, going early when it first opened.  I was the only patron, and felt safe.  A few people came in to pick up takeout orders.  It felt nice to eat indoors.  Takeout just isn't the same.  We never have gone to busy chains, just tiny ethnic places that really don't get crowded.

[QuinnInND]

@Turquoise hope your and your husband recover quickly. 

[awaken]

6 hours ago, emma675 said:

I'm on 5 different county waiting lists in my area for the vaccine and one local hospital group (I used to be a patient there so I'm hoping it still counts). One county sent an email update earlier this week and I'm number 133,323 on the list and they were hoping to get up to number 25,000 this week, lol. It's going to be a while. I'm just glad my parents and my nurse cousin have gotten their doses, it gives me peace of mind.

I'm also scheduled to do the second half of my eyelid surgery on Feb. 15 now. This is taking care of the upper lids and then my eye issues from Graves disease should be totally fixed and I'll hopefully look more like I used to (Graves can make your eyes bulge and even though mine went back down after it was under control, it left heavy lids, bags, and some unevenness). I'm excited to finally have this done, I've been putting it off for years since you look kind of terrifying for a while after. Quarantine and working from home has finally given me a chance to take care of it without scaring my coworkers or having to take a lot of time off. 

Same here, it’s so frustrating. Even though I’m in group 1A I don’t work in a major hospital system so am left to find the vaccine on my own. I’m signed up at numerous sites administered by the county, have gotten one alert of appointment availability, which was immediately full the second it opened, and the site crashed. Every single other option shows no slots available. Yet they’re moving on to further priority groups. I don’t get it. 

[SunnyBeBe]

3 minutes ago, awaken said:

Same here, it’s so frustrating. Even though I’m in group 1A I don’t work in a major hospital system so am left to find the vaccine on my own. I’m signed up at numerous sites administered by the county, have gotten one alert of appointment availability, which was immediately full the second it opened, and the site crashed. Every single other option shows no slots available. Yet they’re moving on to further priority groups. I don’t get it. 

That’s terrible. So unfair. I hope something becomes available soon.  Maybe, with lots of availability opening up,  it will be easier to get access. 

[jcbrown]

49 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

Scratch. I half a recipe of the Queen, Ms Ina Garten’s Outrageous Brownies. 

Oh, I so second the recommendation for those brownies. Soooooooo good.

@GeeGolly I'm sorry to hear about your son but glad things seem to be going the right direction.

[Happyfatchick]

I am sick to death of covid stats, covid shots (available or not), Asian covid, African covid, Philadelphia covid, green covid, koolaid covid.  

I'm not saying I’m tired of YOU guys talking about it.  I’m just ready (SOOOOOOOO ready) for it to be the day we can say “hey, remember when .....” and it’s a distant memory.  

and who KNEW you could make brownies in an air fryer????  That is pure genius.  I mean... it actually sounds like Cookies read the directions.  Is that a THING?  Are we doing that now??  

of course my mom had tinnitus.  Of COURSE she did.  What’s that noise?  I have the craziest ringing in my ear.  What is that I keep hearing in my ear?  My ear is driving mE crazy with that ringing.  Can y’all hear that?  What IS that ringing noise in my ear?

One day the sitter took Mama to CFA for their regular lunch run.  When they got back, Mama only ate half her sandwich.  Then she said “I don’t really want this, I’ll save it for later”.  She put it in its little foil pouch and wrote her name on it.  (Not even joking, she really wrote her name on the pouch.  In her own house, at her own table).  The sitter was concerned because she’d already set the insulin pump for the amount of the whole sandwich.  So she kept her sitting at the table for awhile, trying to think what she could get Mama to eat to make up the difference.  Suddenly my mom says “what’s that?”   Pulled the pouch over and looked inside.  “Somebody left half a sandwich”, she says.  “I’m gonna eat THAT!!”  

Edited February 4, 2021 by Happyfatchick

[Love2dance]

@GeeGolly, so very glad that your son is doing better and that you feel comfortable sharing with us here. What a scary time that was for you.

@Turquoise, I can’t imagine doing taxes and having Covid at the same time. (My dad was a CPA. Winter and Spring were STRESSFUL!) Hope you both feel better soon!

@BetyBee, I think you are right. This lovely group has helped so many of us in so many ways. I feel much less alone in the world during Covid, thanks to all of you caring members.

Edited February 4, 2021 by Love2dance

[GeeGolly]

Thank you all for your support! As I mentioned to a couple of friends, I typically fall apart a bit, after the storm passes. Now that my son is on the mend, I find myself struggling a bit.

@Turquoise, wishing you a speedy and uneventful recovery!

As far as brownies, an absolute favorite of mine, any method of making them is fine, (shocker - I use a box mix) but for me they must be as is. No nuts, no peanut butter, no creams, no fruit, no creamy fudge and no frosting. Not even an M & M on top. Why mess with a masterpiece? 

 

[andromeda331]

@GeeGolly I'm glad your son is doing better. That's great. Praying for him and the rest of your family.

 

I'm sorry to year you and your husband both have Covid @Turquoise. I hope you both have a speedy recovery. Praying for both of you.

[Turquoise]

5 hours ago, Love2dance said:

 

@Turquoise, I can’t imagine doing taxes and having Covid at the same time. (My dad was a CPA. Winter and Spring were STRESSFUL!) Hope you both feel better soon!

Thankfully I’m a corporate accountant so I was doing regular financials instead of taxes, but still not the easiest when running 101+. Our parent company wants things done in a few days, Covid be damned. So I worked all weekend to make it, and was thankful this is my last close here.

I am feeling better, still hanging onto a teensy fever that just.won’t.drop. Mr Turquoise is diabetic so he’s having a harder time, but I am seeing improvement. Thanks for all the well wishes.

[skipnjump]

16 hours ago, BetyBee said:

 

3. I remembered that my dr. suggested I make an appointment to have my abundant ear wax removed and I made an appointment for tomorrow. I have a feeling it's probably a creepy feeling having it done, but I bet I'll hear a bit better afterwards and it may help to avoid tinnitus.

 

I hope your procedure went well.  I had it done as a kid and it really wasn't bad.  I admit to being intrigued by how much ear wax was pulled out of my ears.  But then again, I was 6. 

10 hours ago, louannems said:

With all this brownie- making, I'm curious.  Do you guys make them from scratch or use a box mix.  I use the recipe on the back of the Hershey baking cocoa can.

Scratch from recipes on the King Arthur Flour website.  But I also have been known to jazz up box mixes by replacing the water with alcohol.

[ginger90]

I get off work at 4p today. I’m picturing myself in my own bed by 5p.

I know I won’t do that, but the vision is appealing. 😁

[Scarlett45]

I learned this morning that I Love Lucy isnt on Hallmark any more. Its Reba at 6am and then Golden Girls at 7am. In the mornings I used to always watch I Love Lucy, and then this xmas season I started with Youtube vides and thought I would check it out this morning- oh well.

[BetyBee]

1 hour ago, ginger90 said:

I get off work at 4p today. I’m picturing myself in my own bed by 5p.

I know I won’t do that, but the vision is appealing. 😁

Ha ha! My favorite co-worker & I used to share funny texts all day long at work (like passing notes in class). We used to regularly post that we heard our couch calling towards the end of the day. It doesn't matter if you go home and rest or go home and get things done, the point is being home! 😊

[MargeGunderson]

2 hours ago, ginger90 said:

I get off work at 4p today. I’m picturing myself in my own bed by 5p.

I know I won’t do that, but the vision is appealing. 😁

@ginger90, I was in bed by 5:30 Monday, and I didn’t have your good reasons for doing so. I highly recommend it. 

[Scarlett45]

Its hit that time in the winter season where I am wearing two pairs of pants. Olaf leggings and grey corduroy pants from Talbots. I am prepped!

[Mindthinkr]

I’m pretty upset lately. I hate to share this as technically it’s not my business. My daughter has been calling me crying. Awhile ago she pretty much caught her husband cheating. They have done the counseling and my SIL says one thing to the therapist and then goes out and ignores it. What is pissing me off is that he is making her feel devalued. He only has a HS education. She had college. He has had a decent job, but she has worked hard (while raising 3 kids, one with a chromosome deletion who has issues) and now is employed at a University. She doesn’t know what to do to get him to love her again. I think he has checked out emotionally. I  wonder that he isn’t jealous of her. He stood in her way of her getting a Masters (school or family ultimatum). It’s almost as though he wants her jobless and sitting at home helpless. He is pushing her towards a divorce (after over two decades together), but isn’t man enough to do anything to change things or fix the problem. She thinks he is cheating again. I am trying to tell her that she is worthy of being loved. Worthy of the job she worked hard to get. That she has value as a person. She is a good mom and has tried her best to be a good wife. Sadly his parents have lived in separate bedrooms for decades as there is no love there, but they’d rather that than be judged for getting a divorce. I have not set a good example of a happy marriage. I have allowed men to make me feel like I have little worth and even at my older age I’m just learning that I deserve better. I know this isn’t my problem and I can’t fix it, but it hurts my heart so badly to hear her struggling. They told the kids last night. The one with issues has been crying since. Another is acting out, but not in a dangerous way (Kids are saavy and they have heard the fighting and felt the tension) and the third may not be cognizant of the ramifications yet due to age. Please pray for her. I will support any choice she makes. I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening...you know what I mean. 

[Turquoise]

I'm so sorry @Mindthinkr. It's so hard to watch your adult children go through things, and there isn't anything you can do. It was so much easier dealing with scraped knees and strep throat. Sending virtual hugs to you, and your daughter. My marriage to my son's father ended due to his infidelity, so I know where she is right now. It sucks.

[rue721]

@Mindthinkr ugh, who the hell does this guy think he is?! He thinks your daughter is at his mercy because of the kids, and he apparently wants to keep it that way. What an asshole. Honestly, I think she'd be better off without him. What kills me is him "forbidding" her from going to grad school, because there's no reason for that except to keep her under his thumb. It's up to her and I know it's easy for a stranger to say, but I think she doesn't need that shit in her life. As one of my friends says, she can do bad all by herself

[Scarlett45]

26 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

I’m pretty upset lately. I hate to share this as technically it’s not my business. My daughter has been calling me crying. Awhile ago she pretty much caught her husband cheating. They have done the counseling and my SIL says one thing to the therapist and then goes out and ignores it. What is pissing me off is that he is making her feel devalued. He only has a HS education. She had college. He has had a decent job, but she has worked hard (while raising 3 kids, one with a chromosome deletion who has issues) and now is employed at a University. She doesn’t know what to do to get him to love her again. I think he has checked out emotionally. I  wonder that he isn’t jealous of her. He stood in her way of her getting a Masters (school or family ultimatum). It’s almost as though he wants her jobless and sitting at home helpless. He is pushing her towards a divorce (after over two decades together), but isn’t man enough to do anything to change things or fix the problem. She thinks he is cheating again. I am trying to tell her that she is worthy of being loved. Worthy of the job she worked hard to get. That she has value as a person. She is a good mom and has tried her best to be a good wife. Sadly his parents have lived in separate bedrooms for decades as there is no love there, but they’d rather that than be judged for getting a divorce. I have not set a good example of a happy marriage. I have allowed men to make me feel like I have little worth and even at my older age I’m just learning that I deserve better. I know this isn’t my problem and I can’t fix it, but it hurts my heart so badly to hear her struggling. They told the kids last night. The one with issues has been crying since. Another is acting out, but not in a dangerous way (Kids are saavy and they have heard the fighting and felt the tension) and the third may not be cognizant of the ramifications yet due to age. Please pray for her. I will support any choice she makes. I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening...you know what I mean. 

We are all anonymous here, so feel free to share whatever you'd like. 

First off, as a mother of course you want to protect and care for your daughter- she is your precious snowflake and her husband sounds like a real POS and an asshole. No matter what you did or didnt do in your own marriage this is NOT your fault- your daughter is an adult and is emotionally responsible for herself.

That being said, if you feel this guy is physically causing them harm (it doesnt sound like he is, just a general cheating jerk not a violent dangerous type), just listen. She is going to do what she wants to do. Caveat- if she asks encourage her to keep her job and open up an online checking account in her name only and change her direct deposit at work so that he cannot swipe her paycheck and leave her/the kids no way to eat or pay the mortgage, also, take herself to the dr and get an HIV/STI test if she thinks he's cheating. 

Again, I have heard its hardest to be the parent to an adult, you want to keep them close and protect them but they do whatever! Youre a wonderful Mom and im sure she knows you have her best interests at heart. She is lucky to have such a good mom who is also her friend.

[BitterApple]

24 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

I’m pretty upset lately. I hate to share this as technically it’s not my business. My daughter has been calling me crying. Awhile ago she pretty much caught her husband cheating. They have done the counseling and my SIL says one thing to the therapist and then goes out and ignores it. What is pissing me off is that he is making her feel devalued. He only has a HS education. She had college. He has had a decent job, but she has worked hard (while raising 3 kids, one with a chromosome deletion who has issues) and now is employed at a University. She doesn’t know what to do to get him to love her again. 

My sister's marriage was a carbon copy of your daughter's. She ended up getting divorced and it was a huge relief. 

[zoomama]

i always enjoy looking in here sometime during my day to see what you all have been up to. someone up-thread mentioned it felt like a safe place. i agree.  today i have painted a lamp (the first coat) among other chores. now i am going to sew on the binding to my little quilt that i have been working on. excited to finish it cuz i bought some minky fabric to make throw pillows for my bed. i also saw you tube video on how to make quilted purses with zippers and pockets etc that was actually cute..thats on my radar now too. 

[doodlebug]

26 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

I’m pretty upset lately. I hate to share this as technically it’s not my business. My daughter has been calling me crying. Awhile ago she pretty much caught her husband cheating. They have done the counseling and my SIL says one thing to the therapist and then goes out and ignores it. What is pissing me off is that he is making her feel devalued. He only has a HS education. She had college. He has had a decent job, but she has worked hard (while raising 3 kids, one with a chromosome deletion who has issues) and now is employed at a University. She doesn’t know what to do to get him to love her again. I think he has checked out emotionally. I  wonder that he isn’t jealous of her. He stood in her way of her getting a Masters (school or family ultimatum). It’s almost as though he wants her jobless and sitting at home helpless. He is pushing her towards a divorce (after over two decades together), but isn’t man enough to do anything to change things or fix the problem. She thinks he is cheating again. I am trying to tell her that she is worthy of being loved. Worthy of the job she worked hard to get. That she has value as a person. She is a good mom and has tried her best to be a good wife. Sadly his parents have lived in separate bedrooms for decades as there is no love there, but they’d rather that than be judged for getting a divorce. I have not set a good example of a happy marriage. I have allowed men to make me feel like I have little worth and even at my older age I’m just learning that I deserve better. I know this isn’t my problem and I can’t fix it, but it hurts my heart so badly to hear her struggling. They told the kids last night. The one with issues has been crying since. Another is acting out, but not in a dangerous way (Kids are saavy and they have heard the fighting and felt the tension) and the third may not be cognizant of the ramifications yet due to age. Please pray for her. I will support any choice she makes. I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening...you know what I mean. 

I'm so sorry, this is heartbreaking.  I'll pray for the whole family.

I agree with Scarlett.  If you could advise your daughter to protect her financial status just in case he tries to twist that knife; it could be really important as the story unfolds.

If seeing the marital counselor with him didn't help, then maybe she needs to go on her own without him.  If she didn't think the previous counselor was helpful, then she needs to find someone else.  She needs to be able to vent to a neutral third party who can help her clarify her feelings and define a path forward.  Her kids might also benefit from some therapy.

[marypat57]

@Mindthinkr:  lots of hugs and virtual support for your daughter AND you.  

@Scarlett45 has given you some great advice.  Protecting herself financially is vital.

Like others here in the prayer closet, I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.

[doodlebug]

5 hours ago, BetyBee said:

Ha ha! My favorite co-worker & I used to share funny texts all day long at work (like passing notes in class). We used to regularly post that we heard our couch calling towards the end of the day. It doesn't matter if you go home and rest or go home and get things done, the point is being home! 😊

When I was a resident back in the olden days, we did 36 hour shifts.  I  used to sit in conferences daydreaming about my bed.  That sense of relief when you finally lie down, the coolness of the sheets, the softness of the blankets.  One day, several of us were talking and one of my colleagues asked, "do you guys ever daydream about how wonderful it is to get in bed and sleep?"  It was unanimous, all of us did.  BTW, I never daydreamed about a handsome guy in the bed with me.  Just me and those sheets and sleep.

[Minivanessa]

16 minutes ago, doodlebug said:

I'm so sorry, this is heartbreaking.  I'll pray for the whole family.

I agree with Scarlett.  If you could advise your daughter to protect her financial status just in case he tries to twist that knife; it could be really important as the story unfolds.

If seeing the marital counselor with him didn't help, then maybe she needs to go on her own without him.  If she didn't think the previous counselor was helpful, then she needs to find someone else.  She needs to be able to vent to a neutral third party who can help her clarify her feelings and define a path forward.  Her kids might also benefit from some therapy.

^^All of that, and especially the financial part. It hurts when our loved ones go through things like this and we're powerless to cure it. And this is a safe place to talk it over. 

[SunnyBeBe]

I know that marital issues can cause so much pain in a family.  I’ve seen it from a legal standpoint for many years as a professional.  Now, I am witnessing it happen to one of my family members and I  have a sore tongue from biting it so much. Lol.   It’s so frustrating when you can see things clearly, but your loved one can’t ...ugh....I will suggest that they get a LEGAL consult early. There are so many financial and legal issues that most people haven’t even considered before making huge decisions.  They need to be aware of this BEFORE they sign anything or make promises about assets, support, debts, etc.   I would suggest separate attorneys. Even for a consult.

Edited February 4, 2021 by SunnyBeBe

[Mindthinkr]

   I told her ages ago about protecting her financial well being. She has an account in her name only. He is mad because she is the only person with guardianship over the child with the disability. Since that child does receive a stipend, she has been very good and banked all of that in an account with just her childs and her name on it. Never touched a penny other than to give the child a small allowance to buy a video game or something like that every now and again. She is seeing a lawyer tomorrow to see what her rights are. He has been hiding his retirement plan for ages and I hope he didn’t concoct some scheme to hide that from his assets. She does make enough money to continue to raise the children without his support although she does deserve financial help in raising their children. She has always paid the health insurance for the whole family. 
  OMG, I am so out of it I never thought to tell her to get checked for STDs...thank you @Scarlett45 for mentioning that. I also agree she needs to get another counselor...not a man. She needs some empathy at this time. Not just another man who sees her as a whiner when the man steps out. That good old boys network is strong here in the south. 

@Turquoise Thanks for thinking of us when you are dealing with more life and death issues i.e. Covid. 
I appreciate everyone’s prayers and will continue to keep mine going for all of you. 
 

 

Edited February 4, 2021 by Mindthinkr
Nevermind to quote Emily Latilla

[Oldernowiser]

@Mindthinkr, I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter’s situation. Take it from someone who’s been around the block a few times...there is  absolutely nothing she can do “to make him love her again” and it will make everything worse if she keeps trying. This has nothing to do with anything other than him getting an itch and looking elsewhere to scratch it and he’ll do it again because he’s gotten away with it.

She needs to see that lawyer ASAP and start lining up all of her financial ducks in a row, especially as he’s possibly hiding assets. Typically these guys eventually get married again and frequently the needs of the first family go out the window. 

I hope you can help her understand this has NOTHING to do with her.  He can say whatever he wants, but nothing she did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say, is or isn’t, has anything to do with him just wanting to screw around. She needs to get fierce and she’s lucky to have you as her mom in her corner.

 

[GeeGolly]

@Mindthinkr, I second all the previous advice and thoughts. Its a tough situation your daughter is in. Being in a bad marriage sucks. Breaking up and divorcing is no picnic either. But the chance to start over is priceless. I hope your daughter is able to take that brave step, sooner rather than later. Hugs to you and your daughter.

[Happyfatchick]

Not my daughter (this time) but when it was, she wasn’t working because they had 4 kids, and she believed she couldnt work with 4.  Turns out he couldn’t work either.  He had a terrifically bad run of unfortunate situations where a boss completely misunderstood his obvious value, sometImes he was set up by others out to get him, sometimes he quit suddenly for no apparent reason.  He was always able to get a job, but zero capacity to keep one.  I said “Baby girl, it sounds like SOMEbody needs to get a job and support your family.  From my angle, it appears to be YOU”.   And then we worked out a plan for her to reach her goals.  She is AMAZING.  (Cute too!!) 
it seems to me all you can do is be supportive and prop her up until she hits the bottom.  My daughter was deeeeetermined to keep her flock together and determined to win his love back.  The entire rest of her cheerleaders were screaming “OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!”  But it didnt happen until SHE was at the bottom.  When he looked at her and said “there is no hope” was the worst day of her life, but also the best.  Meanwhile, there’s nothing you can do but assure her how much you love her, tell her how valuable she is, and encourage her that this will all be behind her at some point.  Right now, you have to do as much prep as she:  you have to find that fine line where you sit still being the best mom ever, praying with ashes and sackcloth that she’ll get out - while being careful not to push her.  You want to act ambivalent which way it goes (although you aren’t - and you’ll get a day to tell her that, I promise).  You just have to sit right there on that foul chalk line and hold the line.  It may sail on a couple years and you may have to deal with him until then.  Ours seemed like eternity.  And she went all the way to Nicaragua with those 4 children, remember that???  TERRIFYING!!  I was convinced she was going to be the absentee star of a dateline episode.  Mostly he had an excuse (he really should have died of a brain tumor, all the migraines he had...) NOT to be around us.  But sometimes he was.  I won’t say I was nice - I’m an empath and every time I met his eyes I communicated “I know you” without changing my expression at all.  And I do drop the snarkline occasionally.   Just trolling - looking for “takers”.

I’m saying you have to be careful about suggesting she break off with the finances.  She sooooo needs to do that, but tiptoe to get there.  Maybe she could start with a smallish account - if she could put $100 in and then whatever she can slide from a joint account every payday.  Just so she has SOMETHING established.  Just that one thing: a bank account in her name, is so empowering.  My daughter did not have that opportunity ahead of time (no money!).  He had so screwed up their lives and their finances that it took over a month from the split to get a bank account with her name on it.  [and her dad and I would go by there independent  of each other to put money in].  I remember so well, that GUSH of relief when she had a paper account with HER NAME ONLY.  And sometimes she was crawling - but it was always uphill from there.  I remember very well when she went to work with the RN degree she’d earned while married to him and started to bring home money he couldn’t touch.  She said “so... how much, exactly, do I owe you?”  And the big grin when I thought “absolutely nothing.  You got free and that’s all I ever wanted”. 

my daughter is GOLD, @Mindthinkr - if you knew her, you’d say it too.  She’s a keeper.  And your daughter is too, I just know it!  It is SOOO incredibly hard to watch our adult children suffer.  Or make mistakes.  Or take a blow to the heart.  Remember when she had a cold and her little nose was runny and she was miserable - and you thought you’d take that from her in a SECOND...  yeah, grown up boo boo’s are generally worse. 

[CherryMalotte]

1 hour ago, Scarlett45 said:

Caveat- if she asks encourage her to keep her job and open up an online checking account in her name only and change her direct deposit at work so that he cannot swipe her paycheck and leave her/the kids no way to eat or pay the mortgage, also, take herself to the dr and get an HIV/STI test if she thinks he's cheating. 

This.  Immediately if not sooner.  If he squawks...too bad.  She needs to protect herself and her children.  What he's doing, whether he knows it or not, is a form of abuse.  She deserves so much more.

[MargeGunderson]

@Mindthinkr, I’m so sorry your daughter and family are going through this. I’m sure it’s a comfort to her to know that you have her back. My father cheated on my mother and they divorced pretty quickly (his choice) and apparently my grandmother (my mom’s mom) blamed my mom for the whole thing, because obviously if my mom were a good wife and mother, it would have never happened. I don’t think my mom ever got over that, and I don’t blame her (at least for this; there are plenty of other things she really needs to let go of). She can count on you to help her through this and to be strong, and that’s a real gift. 

[zoomama]

who is the tax person on here? this conversation brings up a question i had.  before she leaves this guy, if she sets up this private account that he wouldn't know about, what happens at tax time? dont the bank accounts have to to listed for joint filing while they are together? i havent had a bank account for years due to some idiosyncrasies that my DH had (read that as NOT FILING) that cost me my inheritance (my personal account was taken to pay our taxes). i live with cash. however, i  recently started two savings accounts, a minor one for my grandchild and one for me.  i might have forgotten to mention that to DH.  😇  when its time to file jointly, do i have to disclose that savings account for me? or the minor account,  for that matter?

[Oldernowiser]

That’s a question for your tax preparer, but in general, savings aren’t taxed because they’re assets not income. Any interest or other returns those funds might have earned are potentially taxable, but maybe not depending on the type of account and whether you withdrew any of that amount. The bank generally sends a 1099 statement in the mail about this time of year listing taxable income on those accounts, if any. Since you just opened them and honestly interest rates on savings accounts these days are PATHETIC I doubt we’re talking much to worry about.

But again, ask your tax dude/dudette to be sure.

[doodlebug]

22 minutes ago, zoomama said:

who is the tax person on here? this conversation brings up a question i had.  before she leaves this guy, if she sets up this private account that he wouldn't know about, what happens at tax time? dont the bank accounts have to to listed for joint filing while they are together? i havent had a bank account for years due to some idiosyncrasies that my DH had (read that as NOT FILING) that cost me my inheritance (my personal account was taken to pay our taxes). i live with cash. however, i  recently started two savings accounts, a minor one for my grandchild and one for me.  i might have forgotten to mention that to DH.  😇  when its time to file jointly, do i have to disclose that savings account for me? or the minor account,  for that matter?

 

I am a gynecologist, not a tax person

No, you don't have to put the account number on your taxes.  You will receive a 1099 form with the interest you earned.  If you have an accountant do your taxes and it is safe to do so, you can let the accountant have the 1099 and he or she can include it with any other interest income that you have.  Or,  if your husband does the taxes, or goes over them with a fine tooth comb and nothing good can come from him seeing that 1099, just ignore it.  Unless there is a huge wad o'money in your savings account and you make enough interest on it to move you into a higher tax bracket; it really won't affect your taxes.  If you get audited, that sort of stuff just gets swept away. They are not looking for penny ante savings accounts. You can say you forgot about the account or the 1099 never came or something else equally silly.  Presuming the interest is a small amount and doesn't change your overall tax burden; it isn't a big enough deal for the IRS.  As noted above, savings accounts pay very little interest.

Some married couples file separately which would probably be the easiest, most legal way to go; but, if you've always filed jointly, that probably isn't something that would go unnoticed by your husband.

My parents lost their home to pay back state taxes from my dad's business which was failing.  I vowed it would NEVER happen to me.  My father also stopped filing personal income taxes about 25 years before he died, mainly because he was putting everything into the business and didn't have the dough.  It becomes a neverending circle because, if you haven't filed for a while, if you start again, that can tip off the IRS to go back and audit.  My father got ONE letter in all those years from the IRS asking about his returns.  He never answered it and no one ever asked again.  Even when the state came after the house, the IRS never said a word.  At one point, I consulted with an attorney to see how to rectify the situation since both of my parents were entitled to social security and medicare but hadn't applied in fear of the IRS.  I worked it out with the attorney and presented the plan to my father who thought on it and told me he didn't want to risk it.  I called the attorney and told him my father wasn't willing to rock that boat.  He replied, 'As an attorney, I can never tell a client to break the law, but, I will say that I think it is a very good thing when children listen to their parents'.  And that was that.

Edited February 4, 2021 by doodlebug

[Scarlett45]

1 hour ago, Mindthinkr said:

 I told her ages ago about protecting her financial well being. She has an account in her name only. He is mad because she is the only person with guardianship over the child with the disability.

He doesnt know the log-in information for that account-yes?

The child with the disability is a minor (under 18) and NOT his biological or legal child?

17 minutes ago, zoomama said:

who is the tax person on here? this conversation brings up a question i had.  before she leaves this guy, if she sets up this private account that he wouldn't know about, what happens at tax time? dont the bank accounts have to to listed for joint filing while they are together? i havent had a bank account for years due to some idiosyncrasies that my DH had (read that as NOT FILING) that cost me my inheritance (my personal account was taken to pay our taxes). i live with cash. however, i  recently started two savings accounts, a minor one for my grandchild and one for me.  i might have forgotten to mention that to DH.  😇  when its time to file jointly, do i have to disclose that savings account for me? or the minor account,  for that matter?

You only have to report your bank account on your taxes if you want a refund/payment deposited directly TO the checking account or taken FROM the checking account. Any income you earn from brokerage accounts etc should be reported, but the full account numbers aren't on those forms sent to you from the financial institutions.  But of course talk to your tax professional, I am not a tax professional.

[lookeyloo]

2 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

I’m pretty upset lately. I hate to share this as technically it’s not my business. My daughter has been calling me crying. Awhile ago she pretty much caught her husband cheating. They have done the counseling and my SIL says one thing to the therapist and then goes out and ignores it. What is pissing me off is that he is making her feel devalued. He only has a HS education. She had college. He has had a decent job, but she has worked hard (while raising 3 kids, one with a chromosome deletion who has issues) and now is employed at a University. She doesn’t know what to do to get him to love her again. I think he has checked out emotionally. I  wonder that he isn’t jealous of her. He stood in her way of her getting a Masters (school or family ultimatum). It’s almost as though he wants her jobless and sitting at home helpless. He is pushing her towards a divorce (after over two decades together), but isn’t man enough to do anything to change things or fix the problem. She thinks he is cheating again. I am trying to tell her that she is worthy of being loved. Worthy of the job she worked hard to get. That she has value as a person. She is a good mom and has tried her best to be a good wife. Sadly his parents have lived in separate bedrooms for decades as there is no love there, but they’d rather that than be judged for getting a divorce. I have not set a good example of a happy marriage. I have allowed men to make me feel like I have little worth and even at my older age I’m just learning that I deserve better. I know this isn’t my problem and I can’t fix it, but it hurts my heart so badly to hear her struggling. They told the kids last night. The one with issues has been crying since. Another is acting out, but not in a dangerous way (Kids are saavy and they have heard the fighting and felt the tension) and the third may not be cognizant of the ramifications yet due to age. Please pray for her. I will support any choice she makes. I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening...you know what I mean. 

@Mindthinkr - who would have known I would find a second to scroll - I haven't in a while - your daughter sounds like me and the first EX  lookeyloo husband- he did a good job of gas lighting me in the beginning and all I wanted was his love.  It was my most painful experience followed by the suicide of my baby brother and now followed by the death of Sweet Son.  I count that up there as a huge misery.  I took myself to counseling and he managed to come once and tell her he didn't want to open a Pandora's box and preferred to just leave.  I honestly thought my heart would stop beating.  I had those two small sons in a new town, before email/text/free phone calls to my parents.  It was a huge mess.  And back in the olden days it was hard to open my own bank account, get my own credit, etc.  A huge emotional and practical mess.  And I was so alone.  I will tell you that while things seem impossible and your daughter might feel like her life will never have meaning and love and she feels like a complete failure (my very own father told me that if I were a better wife, he wouldn't have left me) I just know that with time, your love and support, good advice and information, while she is suffering now, and your heart is hurting for her, one day she will have a better life.  I didn't believe it when it happened to me.  She won't believe it now.  I am holding on to the day when I don't cry over Sweet son all the time and smile with his memory.  I know that day will come.  And, one day your daughter will be okay and so will your grands.  And then you will smile more.

[Jeanne222]

@MindthinkrSo sorry your daughter has to go through something like this!  I could go on and on but I'll share just one piece of information.  Get the best attorney she can afford!  The battlefield will be loaded with landmines.  Be well prepared!

[Scarlett45]

Can we take a moment and be thankful we live in an age where women have equal access to banking and credit?

I couldn't imagine how scary it would be to be an adult- a MOTHER, trying to support tiny children and not have my own bank account or credit card. I've had my own independent bank account since the day after I turned 18yrs old! And my own separate credit card the next month! My Mom told me to use my former drama teacher as a reference and put down my baby sitting income (I did baby sit for her).

Our great aunt B who was our nanny spoke of when she went to apply for her first credit card they required her husband to sign- and she told them "no I have an income, I have a job"( which she did, she never had children of her own, although she wanted them, and planned to work until she got pregnant but that never happened) and showed her pay stubs with her earnings- they didn't care they wanted her husband to sign. (which he did, he was a jerk but not in that way, and had no problem with her having her own money)

[MargeGunderson]

16 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

Can we take a moment and be thankful we live in an age where women have equal access to banking and credit?

I am so very very thankful for this. I manage everything financial for my husband and I, because he basically doesn’t want anything to do with it. I don’t understand that mindset at all. I am obsessed with knowing how much money I have at any given in time. I check my credit card balance daily and pay it off multiple times a month. I could rob my husband blind and he would never know it (not that I would, plus I make a lot more than he does). Our finances are combined, but I wasn’t in charge of everything I would insist on separate accounts. I have way too many memories of being young and very broke, working 2-3 part time jobs in an expensive city, to be laid back about money. Perhaps it goes without saying, but I might be a bit of a control freak....

[emma675]

MindThinkr, I can't add to all of the good advice everyone here has already posted, but I'm sending prayers and good thoughts to both you and your daughter. Her husband sounds like a major jackass who doesn't deserve her, those kids, or the life she is basically paying for. I hope she can find her way out and back to happiness. 

[Scarlett45]

9 minutes ago, MargeGunderson said:

I am so very very thankful for this. I manage everything financial for my husband and I, because he basically doesn’t want anything to do with it. I don’t understand that mindset at all. I am obsessed with knowing how much money I have at any given in time. I check my credit card balance daily and pay it off multiple times a month. I could rob my husband blind and he would never know it (not that I would, plus I make a lot more than he does). Our finances are combined, but I wasn’t in charge of everything I would insist on separate accounts. I have way too many memories of being young and very broke, working 2-3 part time jobs in an expensive city, to be laid back about money. Perhaps it goes without saying, but I might be a bit of a control freak....

Yeah there’s nothing wrong with married people having joint accounts if thats what they want, but not ever having your own?? Or being able to have your own? could open a new bank account right now if I wanted in our digital age- that’s power. 
 

My Mom’s best male friend and his wife always kept one separate credit card so in case something got hacked or stolen they could function until it got resolved. Turned out great when she had her purse stolen two days before vacation abroad (she was fine).