I wouldn’t give her money for transportation, and I wouldn’t make a big deal of her birthday, maybe a card and modest gift certificate at most. I hate to say it, but I would suspect that she only wants to get together to get her birthday gift.
I’m so sorry that’s you are going through this with her. As you said, she’s young and immature, and it sounds like her father and his family are just enabling her. My brother was similar as a teenager/young adult, but grew out of it (finally!) in his late 20s. I hope your daughter matures and comes to appreciate you and everything you’ve done for her.