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S05.E16: Cool as a Cucumber

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After a tumultuous night in Ibiza, Rob and Jess struggle to reconcile; Capt. Sandy scrambles to avoid a catastrophic disaster; the new charter guests arrange a bet with Bugsy; a guest request sends a sleep-deprived Tom over the edge.

Airs September 14, 2020.

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Why charter a boat only to turn around and go to the beach to play frisbee?

I had completely forgotten about Pete! I was wondering who the other member of the deck crew was, hahahahaha!!

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So which is it, Tom? I was taking a 15 minute break or I was 18 minutes in and got virtually no break?? Was he going down on Malia when Sandy knocked? Why wouldn’t he answer for himself? Also, he’s a douche nozzle.

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2 minutes ago, ihartcoffee said:

Was Tom seriously trying to get laid on a 15 min break? 

Tom Poachly-Unclewho, aka A Boy Named Sous Vide, of Pustule-on-Gordon, has all the skillz and charisma of a shitty-first-draft Bond villain before Phoebe Waller-Bridge gives him some wit and an interesting back-story for his rage.

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Finally some black out drunkenesss!  Bugs face plant was hilarious.  Aesha bounced back very well.  

What't this homesick stuff?  It's only 3 weeks and she's done it before.

I just don't get the Jess Rob drama.  Maybe that's why I'm an old single guy. 

Both of them are annoying.  Then it's all lovey-dovey at the end.  (sigh)

The guests are different.  The "naughty game night" has potential.

Rob was solid on WWHL and Aesha brought the comedy gold.

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7 minutes ago, PaperTree said:

Finally some black out drunkenesss!  Bugs face plant was hilarious.  Aesha bounced back very well.  

What't this homesick stuff?  It's only 3 weeks and she's done it before.

I just don't get the Jess Rob drama.  Maybe that's why I'm an old single guy. 

Both of them are annoying.  Then it's all lovey-dovey at the end.  (sigh)

The guests are different.  The "naughty game night" has potential.

Rob was solid on WWHL and Aesha brought the comedy gold.

I got the impression that Ayeisha(?) had not been home in a long time and was just missing her family and friends.

Rob and Ayeisha were good on WWHL. Being on the cover of Vogue is pretty damn impressive. Does anyone know his last name?

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What was the thing Aesha said to Jess about her hair looking like a cat's?  Very odd. 

Jess is way too jealous but Rob WAS too flirting with Aesha. 

I like Bugsy too. She and what's his name are cute. But when they got out of the vans and Bugsy fell, what's his name didn't even go check on her. She was all wondering alone while the asshat Brit was strutting down the dock with 3 drunk ladies. 

Speaking of the Asshat...man, what an Asshat. All chefs are dram queens but this one takes the cake! Have fun with that, Malia. 

Edited by Lamima
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I can not stand Malia, and Tom is a whiny bitch. 

In his tiny defense, there is likely a lot we don’t see behind the scenes. Sandy is human garbage and she is probably always lingering around and watching his break times like a hawk, and just on his ass about inconsequential stuff constantly. 


So the guy sneaks off for a quickie with his GF finally, and of COURSE, here comes sadistic Sandy. Gawd. I think he had just reached his breaking point. 

That said, Aesha deserved none of his vitriol! That sucked. 


 

Edited by Sage47
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51 minutes ago, pieinmyeye said:

I got the impression that Ayeisha(?) had not been home in a long time and was just missing her family and friends.

Rob and Ayeisha were good on WWHL. Being on the cover of Vogue is pretty damn impressive. Does anyone know his last name?

Westergaard

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I think it is kind of ridiculous that the couples have to take breaks and "naps" together in the middle of the day, shades of Jenna and Adam.  The chef deserves a break but I seriously doubt that he is working 24 hours a day. Seems like the chef would have snacks of veggies, fruit and cheeses ready to go in the galley so that the chef doesn't have to get up from his break to slice a cucumber. Waiting for Sandy to get her fill of the Malia and Tom and the Rob and Jess show. 

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56 minutes ago, pieinmyeye said:

I got the impression that Ayeisha(?) had not been home in a long time and was just missing her family and friends.

Rob and Ayeisha were good on WWHL. Being on the cover of Vogue is pretty damn impressive. Does anyone know his last name?

Westergaard.  With Taylor Swift! 

Sadistic Sandy is the perfect moniker for her.

Edited by PaperTree
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You have to be a special kind of dick to make perpetually-happy Aesha cry. Condescending bastard.

Annoying voice aside, there are times when Aesha’s enthusiasm makes me smile. This episode it was when the guest said it was her turn for a lesson. Her response was, “My turn? Yayyyyyyyy!” 

I don’t remember ever seeing the deck crew helping with the dishwashing as much as this season.

Pete at the club! Pete at the van and there to assist Bugs when she fell! Pete walking back to the boat! Pete standing at the bow! Pete greeting the guests! Pete carrying luggage! Pete on the the tender! Pete playing frisbee! Pete back on the boat! Pete rinsing and drying dishes! Did I miss any?

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3 hours ago, Lamima said:

What was the thing Aesha said to Jess about her hair looking like a cat's?  Very odd. 

Jess is way too jealous but Rob WAS too flirting with Aesha. 

I like Bugsy too. She and what's his name are cute. But when they got out of the vans and Bugsy fell, what's his name didn't even go check on her. She was all wondering alone while the asshat Brit was strutting down the dock with 3 drunk ladies. 

Speaking of the Asshat...man, what an Asshat. All chefs are dram queens but this one takes the cake! Have fun with that, Malia. 

Whatever happened to Kiko?......actually I heard quite a while ago he’s working and living on private yacht and loving it 

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The editing out of Pete for much of the season is interesting.

He must have really pissed off the production/ camera crew. 

Edited by Bossa Nova
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Tom is a complete and total asshole.  While I feel this board is seriously over-bent on Malia, Tom's a tool.

 

Also, I found Aesha's homesickness whining with less than two weeks to go tiresome BEFORE Tom was an asshole, so I had a hard time being somehow extra sympathetic afterwards.  Tom is an even worse whiner, though.  I feel like Bravo hires whiners on purpose.  Do they check the hires' social media pages for extra whining before hiring?

 

But Tom was a super-douche.  The excuses made for super-douche chefs is really tiresome. Good food (and I mean this in general, not for Tom specifically, food-wise) does not make your douchiness excusable somehow.

 

Other notes: The first 10 minutes of over-committed-hookup-therapy episode was torture.  I'm not watching for this stupidity, although I do wonder how old everyone is sometimes.  I feel like early 30s more than late 20s, but who knows?

These guests are going to continue to be awful.

Edited by Lassus
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7 hours ago, dangwoodchucks said:

You have to be a special kind of dick to make perpetually-happy Aesha cry. Condescending bastard.

Annoying voice aside, there are times when Aesha’s enthusiasm makes me smile. This episode it was when the guest said it was her turn for a lesson. Her response was, “My turn? Yayyyyyyyy!” 

I don’t remember ever seeing the deck crew helping with the dishwashing as much as this season.

Pete at the club! Pete at the van and there to assist Bugs when she fell! Pete walking back to the boat! Pete standing at the bow! Pete greeting the guests! Pete carrying luggage! Pete on the the tender! Pete playing frisbee! Pete back on the boat! Pete rinsing and drying dishes! Did I miss any?

That seems to sum up what I saw.  I was watching for him last night.  Made the episode more interesting at least.  Drunk Bugsy was hilarious too. 

Nothing funny about Tom or Malia. When they are shown I flip the TV off. Sandy has created that monster....

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4 hours ago, Bossa Nova said:

He must have really pissed off the production/ camera crew.

If he pissed off anyone I imagine it was the editors who had to work harder to edit him out so close to airing because he is a racist misogynist.

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7 hours ago, dangwoodchucks said:

You have to be a special kind of dick to make perpetually-happy Aesha cry.

Well, point of order, she was certainly not perpetually happy even prior to that as she'd already been crying.  (And yes, he was a total dick.)

Edited by Lassus
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It seems that the only reason Tom has been doing well so far is because he has Malia as his full-time sous chef. I'm not sure how she manages to be in the galley all the time since the bosun should be on deck more than any other member of the crew. It will be interesting to see how Tom does once Sandy kicks Malia out and he no longer has a sous chef and someone to stroke his ego through every meal.

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Aesha said that she had barely been home for the past 5 years - I think it is one of those things that when you haven't been home for a while and you are planning to go all the sudden you get really homesick, whereas before you planned a trip home just went about your life not thinking about it.  That, and I thinks he feels a little isolation because she is kind of the odd woman out in this crew (although she did say that she does a lot of temping - I'm assuming where she comes in when there is an issue with a crew member like in this instance) so she is used to coming into an established crew.

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I like Alesha and her voice doesn’t bother me.  I felt bad for her on the night out.  Everyone is hooked up with someone and she is the odd man out.  I just think she’s ready to go home and feels lonely.

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1 hour ago, biakbiak said:If he pissed off anyone I imagine it was the editors who had to work harder to edit him out so close to airing because he is a racist misogynist.

He should have been kicked off the boat after his sex talk and harassment toward Bugs (“undressing” her with his eyes in the galley). But of course it was a smack on the wrist and a “I-should-fire-you-but-I-won’t-so-go-and-sin-no-more” lecture from Sandy. He had no excuses or defense for what he did. He owned it.

I can see giving warnings with insubordination like what he showed toward Malia, but not with something that constitutes a hostile work environment that could lead to other legal problems at some point. Zero tolerance. (Sound familiar?)  

People have been fired on the spot for other unprofessional actions on these shows. The social media post aside, why did he get a pass until after all the film was in the can? The editors should be pissed.

 

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There are spoilers about why Pete has been expunged in recent episodes as much as possible but they have nothing to do with his actions on the show.

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2 minutes ago, RoxiP said:

There are spoilers about why Pete has been expunged in recent episodes as much as possible but they have nothing to do with his actions on the show.

It is in the Stews in the News and Media thread under Below Deck Mediterranean.

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11 hours ago, Sage47 said:

I can not stand Malia, and Tom is a whiny bitch. 

In his tiny defense, there is likely a lot we don’t see behind the scenes. Sandy is human garbage and she is probably always lingering around and watching his break times like a hawk, and just on his ass about inconsequential stuff constantly. 


So the guy sneaks off for a quickie with his GF finally, and of COURSE, here comes sadistic Sandy. Gawd. I think he had just reached his breaking point. 

That said, Aesha deserved none of his vitriol! That sucked. 


 

Did anyone else think that Sandy was jealous of Tom?  😉 

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58 minutes ago, Emmeline said:

I like Alesha and her voice doesn’t bother me.  I felt bad for her on the night out.  Everyone is hooked up with someone and she is the odd man out.  I just think she’s ready to go home and feels lonely.

Imagine how skanky Pete must have felt (Just to clarify - I DO NOT feel badly for him at all)!!  When Aesha came on board, he probably thought "Oh wow--here's my chance to be part of the "Love Boat" crew, but NOPE--Aesha's not interested.  So, off he has to go - into the sunset and reality TV oblivion - less than the other crew on the yacht that we never see - y'know - the ones that do most of the actual work!!

That kind of karma is well deserved!  Pete thought he was going to hooking up with every female crew member, and bragged about it.  

Edited by njbchlover
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9 hours ago, dangwoodchucks said:

You have to be a special kind of dick to make perpetually-happy Aesha cry. Condescending bastard.

Annoying voice aside, there are times when Aesha’s enthusiasm makes me smile. This episode it was when the guest said it was her turn for a lesson. Her response was, “My turn? Yayyyyyyyy!” 

I don’t remember ever seeing the deck crew helping with the dishwashing as much as this season.

Pete at the club! Pete at the van and there to assist Bugs when she fell! Pete walking back to the boat! Pete standing at the bow! Pete greeting the guests! Pete carrying luggage! Pete on the the tender! Pete playing frisbee! Pete back on the boat! Pete rinsing and drying dishes! Did I miss any?

Her voice is annoying, oof.  But I overlook it because I like her.  

I do wonder if he would have had a storyline if they didn't edit him out.  Maybe it would have been better than whatever is currently cobbled together now.  Too much coupled-up hugging.

 

1 hour ago, Lassus said:

Well, point of order, she was certainly not perpetually happy even prior to that as she'd already been crying.  (And yes, he was a total dick.)

She was sad, but she is also the type of person to put on a happy face and pretend to be happy, even when she is not.  I do that too.  I used to think I should change that about myself, and be "real," but I actually like to put on a happy face and lift the moods of others, rather than be a grump when I feel crappy. 

I also say, "I'm sorry" when people are upset about something, like Aisha said, it is to tell the other person that I understand - not that I am apologizing for anything.  Tom was being a huge DICK to her, saying "stop apologizing if you don't mean it" or whatever.  I hate him.

I know all chefs (maybe just most chefs) are whiny.  My uncle is a chef and he is a whiny, screaming, tantrum-throwing asshole.  But his food is beyond amazing, so he gets away with it.  

 

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10 hours ago, PaperTree said:

Inside pages? or or the pic never made the cut?

I am assuming he made it in the magazine because it led the online story but she was solo on the cover, the shoot is just called the cover shoot because its the cover story, I imagine it was always meant for her to be solo. 

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Aesha is definitely a person who doesn't show her pain - on her last season she revealed that she was a rape survivor didn't she, and yet she still tries to put on a happy face and not be a part of drama.  She was definitely too good for Jack!

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Tom and his intolerance for apologies--I mean, I understand being frustrated that he got 1 kilo of frozen mussels instead of 2 of fresh, but it's not the fault of the poor delivery people, who kindly apologized for their company's screw-up, and it's also not the tightest bind a chef has been in on this show--I know there have been times when a guest wanted something that wasn't there when they were already out at sea, but can't recall what.  

And then deliberately, willfully misunderstanding Aesha's caring "I'm sorry" to be a blame-assuming "I'm sorry."  Unless someone really struggles with social skills (such as taking everything literally), which I do not believe is Tom's situation, most adults know the difference between the two types of "I'm sorry."  "Sorry to hear that" v "Sorry, I was wrong."  

 

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6 minutes ago, Jobiska said:

Tom and his intolerance for apologies--I mean, I understand being frustrated that he got 1 kilo of frozen mussels instead of 2 of fresh, but it's not the fault of the poor delivery people, who kindly apologized for their company's screw-up, and it's also not the tightest bind a chef has been in on this show--I know there have been times when a guest wanted something that wasn't there when they were already out at sea, but can't recall what.  
 

Oysters earlier in the season! 

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Wow Tom is such a dick. Calm down. I think he was also really mad cause he was about to get laid. Don’t take it out on poor Aesha.

Malia being at his beck and call and being his sous chef is embarrassing. 

I do not care about Jess and Rob. They are so annoying and will obv not last. Jess is also kind of a psycho who constantly gets jealous. I’ve been around couples like them and they put a damper on everything and are not fun to be around. Either they are constantly loved dovey or fighting. How stupid and annoying.

Alex and Bugsy are kind of annoying to watch too. Alex was def still drunk the next day.

Edited by Marley
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Maybe I'm just old school but I have the professional mindset that, being a supervisor, my employees don't see me drunk.  At all, much less fall down drunk.  But clearly it doesn't work that way on BD.  Bugsy should be embarrassed -- and so should Malia.

Speaking of Malia, has she forwarded her mail to the galley yet?  When does she have time to bosun?  She is always in the kitchen, helping Tom.  I've always thought that out of all the crew positions shown on the BD franchise, I'd least like to be the chef because that position never seems to truly get a break but you would think one of the stews might be a better choice to lend an assist.  Or someone else on the deck crew but not the bosun.  Sandy should be all up in her grill about that.  

I get Tom being frustrated over Musselgate.  If he serves frozen mussels and the guests gripe about them not being fresh, it's Tom who is on the line about it.  I get that his reputation could be helped or harmed by being the chef on one of these yachts.  But he was an utter dick to Aesha for no reason.  She didn't ask for the stupid cucumber and she was following protocol, which I assume is to notify the chef.  I could just imagine Kate ripping Tom to shreds over that comment.

It's already been pointed out but I also agree that Aaesha is homesick mostly because everyone on this crew is pretty much coupled up -- although Aesha was coupled up her last season -- and it's no fun to be the third wheel.  

Otherwise, this episode was pretty dull.

Off to the news to see what's up with Pete and his appearances/nonappearances.  

Edited by psychoticstate
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10 minutes ago, psychoticstate said:

I get Tom being frustrated over Musselgate.  If he serves frozen mussels and the guests gripe about them not being fresh, it's Tom who is on the line about it. 

I agree about that, but unless it was on the guests' preference sheets (which he did not mention one way or another), they were just part of the menu that he had concocted, and in this job he needs to think on his feet and come up with other items.  Kind of like when a guest makes a surprise demand for a birthday cake (which, now that I think of it, he bitched about too--but other chefs have done it with less bitching or no bitching!).  

I get it's the culture on this boat (or this show) to have the entire crew, supervisors and those that report to them, to go out drinking together--but it was really strange that Bugsy reported on her faceplant to Sandy, giggling!  I mean, she blamed it on the cobblestones, but I'm pretty sure if she was sober it was at least less likely to happen.  (And she's talking to a sober alcoholic, too!).  ha ha.

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9 minutes ago, psychoticstate said:

When does she have time to bosun?  She is always in the kitchen, helping Tom.

I saw the similar comment earlier, and I think it's more editing and bias that makes people draw this conclusion.  She's probably been there more than she should but Bravo is certainly not going to PROTECT Malia if she's shirking her actual job in the process. They get nothing from that - no drama, no ratings, no tweets, no nothing.  For all her faults and things that make people hate her, she seems to be quite good at the Bosun job.  And other seasons have shown employees the captains like fucking things up.

Sandy is probably going to get pissed at her next episode less for shirking and more for butting in to Sandy's chain of command in an effort to protect her BF.  

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53 minutes ago, Marley said:

Wow Tom is such a dick. Calm down. I think he was also really mad cause he was about to get laid. Don’t take it out on poor Aesha.

No longer watching/recording but was flipping channels during the repeat and caught cucumber-gate. Tom & Malia were already banging when Sandy interrupted them, which accounts for a bit of his crankiness.  Laying into Aesha was weaksauce, though. Chefs don't get breaks, go have a wank in the loo. 

Never have I ever seen the bosun plate meals.  The majority of the deck crew especially the bosun typically clock out around dinner time.  Malia's using her own time to help Tom in the galley but a good captain will take issue with that, as it takes away from their mandated rest period. 

Edited by snarts
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