S05.E04: Week 3: Part 1

[Stats Queen]

Man, even tho I had a cute figure and was fairly pretty in high school & college, I wasn’t drop dead gorgeous. A girlfriend and myself started a club - the dateless wonders - she was president, I was social director. Some of These people remind me of who I was in college when I was so insecure around guys - I’m 53 and just now learned that this can apply to the drop dead gorgeous (my autocorrect translated that to horrendous at first ??). I ended up with a asshat for my first short lived marriage - but been married to my wonderful hubby for 23 years now.

My hubby programmer has a nice body, but Venmo John, wow. 

I think that Bibiana might be a sociologist doing a qualitative study vs. pursuing one of these awesome guys.

I like her and Krystal so much better here (kind of a low bar), but Chris is still Chris and David’s obsession with Jordan still goes on.

Colton and Tia need to go away, they both got more than their 15 minutes.

When Wills unpacked when he got home, he may have wondered what happened to one of his outfits, wonder if he called Jordan to get him to return it (if Jordan didn’t, he might be the Ramona to Will’s Bethennyon RHONY)

[Ohwell]

I don't know how he looked before Bachelorette/BIP but Jordan looks kind of "soft" to be a male model.  Maybe too much alcohol and food and lazing around?  

[Armchair Critic]

LMAO at Jordan trying to be a bad ass

[CindyBee]

Just now, Armchair Critic said:

LMAO at Jordan trying to be a bad ass

In floral too!

[Stats Queen]

6 minutes ago, CindyBee said:

Sigh, 27 is old now.

That’s depressing. I thought it would be 30 or 35 by now (my mom, 21 was old, me 25 was old, my niece is 29...)

[Ohwell]

Jubilee ought to get a rose just for rockin' that white dress.

[atlanticslide]

Ahhhhh Jenna's voice is driving me absolutely up the wall.

[saber5055]

1 minute ago, Ohwell said:

Jubilee ought to get a rose just for rockin' that white dress.

She should get more than one rose for that white dress.

[Ohwell]

I think Kenny is auditioning for The Bachelor because he seems to be highlighting his intellectual side and, most telling, he's stopped mentioning his daughter. 

[saber5055]

YEAY! Venmo John picked Jubilee! Finally, this show produces 10 seconds of good in two hours of dreck.

[leocadia]

1 hour ago, CindyBee said:

The Goose is the biggest idiot ever.

Jordan:  Hold my beer.

[CindyBee]

So 2 of the 4 new girls got roses---that's actually pretty good for this show

[Ohwell]

I'm glad Bibiana is gone but I can't believe Kenny chose Anneliese over Jacqueline.  Nysha never got much air time.  I wish her well.

[Armchair Critic]

I am already calling bullsh*t on who they are calling "fan favorites" (that will be arriving), most of them have already worn out their welcome.

[Ohwell]

And yay Jubilee!

[Stan39]

Can’t stand Annieliese, but it would have sucked to keep Bibiana. After all that disturbing sex talk to start, she waited until the last minute to even try talking to one guy. The show doesn’t need Wells, Yuki, and Bibiana sitting around doing nothing. 

[saber5055]

Kenny picks the worst of the remaining women. Figures.

Bibi should be bartender instead of Yuki. She at least was kinds fun.  Except we haven't seen anyone at the bar this season. Thanks, Corine, for ruining that.

LOL: Tomorrow Benoit/Ben-Wah arrives as does Fired-For-Sexual-Harassment Leo. Leo and Jordan can discuss hair products.

[Ms Blue Jay]

I've always been a fan of Jubilee's.  She makes me grin from ear to ear.  Just something, or everything about her.  She's always made me happy.  Just glad she's still on the show.

Good for Kenny, I say.  Why is he a man ho?  Please!  He wants love, and all these women are offering themselves to him.  LOL.  As long as he's honest and not hurting anyone I can't hate.  It must have been hard for him to experience Krystal rejecting him for the worst human being alive (Chris).

I notice that Krystal is trying so hard not to be the villain this time around.  It's appreciated. I'm finding her likeable.  "The line has been crossed.  Crossed."

I still love Jordan.  I don't get what the producers are doing with David, and it's really stupid I think.  Is Jordan in on the joke or not?  Either way, it's so dumb.

Edited August 21, 2018 by Ms Blue Jay

[CindyBee]

1 minute ago, Ohwell said:

And yay Jubilee!

I didn't realize how much I wanted her to get the rose over Caroline till John said her name.  

[Armchair Critic]

6 minutes ago, leocadia said:

Jordan:  Hold my beer

I know he is an idiot but I get a kick out of him. I actually do think he is cute but I think of him being asexual, I think he is more into himself than anyone else. 

[Stan39]

5 minutes ago, Ms Blue Jay said:

I've always been a fan of Jubilee's.  She makes me grin from ear to ear.  Just something, or everything about her.  She's always made me happy.  Just glad she's still on the show.

Good for Kenny, I say.  Why is he a man ho?  Please!  He wants love, and all these women are offering themselves to him.  LOL.  As long as he's honest and not hurting anyone I can't hate.  It must have been hard for him to experience Krystal rejecting him for the worst human being alive (Chris).

I notice that Krystal is trying so hard not to be the villain this time around.  It's appreciated. I'm finding her likeable.  "The line has been crossed.  Crossed."

I still love Jordan.  I don't get what the producers are doing with David, and it's really stupid I think.  Is Jordan in on the joke or not?  Either way, it's so dumb.

David seems really creepy with Jenna. The way he feels the need to keep reminding her he’s doing things for her birthday. She knows! You’ve said it! Plus, it’s a cake with candles and a giant stuffed dog! She’s going to figure it out!

And Jenna should be offended by both David and Jordan. David didn’t do anything for Jacqueline’s birthday, which makes it pretty clear he was just riling Jordan up and doesn’t actually care about Jordan. I feel like he and Chelsea have less of a relationship going and more of just an agreement to help each other stick around. 

[Ms Blue Jay]

It's either really really creepy on David's part (extremely disturbing, Single White Female shit where he wants to be or become or be married to Jordan, who knows) or the producers are doing it.  Either way, it's really sick.

[PhysNerd]

Am I missing something? If Tia and Colton are so hung up on each other and don't want to deal with drama, then why don't they leave Paradise together and date in the real world?  Paradise doesn't seem fun anyway with the lack of air conditioning and the constant threats against your relationship when new people show up.  These people act like Paradise is the only way they can communicate and spend time with each other.  

Jordan...wow....I really hope this was all an act.  Otherwise, this boy (yes, I really did mean to say "boy") is beyond immature.  Throwing Jenna's stuffed toy dog into the ocean was pathetic.  That was her property and he had no business messing with her present even though the present was from David.  He is way too immature for a relationship much less marriage.  David is also very immature, but he at least didn't toss other's belongings into the ocean.  

I think David needs to confess his feelings to Jordan.  He is way too obsessed with Jordan.  It seems like he has a big crush.

[JenE4]

{Missed the first 10 minutes} Tuned in just in time for Krystal holding a huge-ass margarita and musing that she doesn’t know what she got herself into. You can’t break up with me because I already broke up with you—you just didn’t know it yet. Krystal won the Goose and yet she’s crying—as one should. {missed another 10 minutes} Apparently Tia was trying to move her cheese back to Colton but Jaqueline is now here and swoops him away. I can watch a whole season of people moving their cheese away from Tia because she’s a hungry rat and will just scurry back to the last guy and hope for some crumbs. She must be in Kenny’s category of just looking for where the cheese was. How can Tia be crying over Colton when Tia already “dumped” him for Chris (because Colton didn’t want her anyway). Tia is acting like she had a choice to be with Chris—just like she thinks she has the choice to be with Colton. No one wants your cheese, Tia!

Speaking of cheese no one wants, why does Annaliese suddenly think she had a shot with Kenny? Glad Kenny got another date—now with Jaqueline. I sort of remember her, but I can’t remember whether I liked or disliked her. I think it was one or the other, though—unlike most of the people I’m just meh about.

Nysha on Annaliese: “she’s working overtime for that rose. She’s working 16-hour shifts.” Snort! Someone give Nysha a rose! First thing we’ve heard her say, and I like her! Kenny is “opening the door” with Annalise! The cheese is moving faster over here than molten nacho cheese fresh out of the convenience store pump!

Why the hell are these girls in a tailspin over a grown-ass man who calls himself The Goose?! He’s the Paradise version of Mystery of VH-1’s The Pick-Up Artist, and they’re all falling for his negging and stupid headband piece of flare—melting over any small kindness he shows as a sign they’re soulmates.

Tia on Colton: “All my eggs are in his basket, and he doesn’t even have a basket!” I’m just picturing the whole beach littered with broken eggs and moldy cheese. Colton is now choosing Tia! Oh, damn, I thought he was going to pass out his two dozen eggs to the ladies vying for his heart, coming up next season on The Bachelor.

Bibi spent all week counseling various crying girls who got the cheese swept out from under them that she forgot to try to secure a rose for herself. But she gives herself a pep talk by calling herself and Nysha “wildcards”—meaning we have no one interested in us whatsoever.

John is kissing Caroline?!? Stick with Jubilee!!! Ok, Jubilee’s getting even MORE kisses and romantic background music.

Kenny is the new hot commodity in Paradise! Bibi takes a number. Kenny knows his Poe! He may have just over-taken John as my new favorite! That was some smooth wrestling kiss takedown. He’s kissing them all! Whom will he choose?

The producers give David a bigger stuffed animal dog to give to Jenna than they gave Jordan to give to her. But Jordan sashays over in his little vest suit and throws it into the surf.

David stepped away and then came back soaking wet. What happened to him? Was he IN the dog, like the chicken costume? Is that why it was so heavy that Annaliese couldn’t drag it out of the water?

Jordan is LOSING IT. But it’s hard to take him seriously with his floral pantsuit. But Jenna accepts his rose, and Jordan pictures “chasing her in the rain” which he probably means like in a romance movie, but I picture it more as in a horror movie.

On to the studs of the week—John chooses Jubilee (yay) and Kenny chooses Annalise (boo). 

All the guys letting Jordan’s salt spray sit in their hair. Ha!

[chocolatine]

12 minutes ago, PhysNerd said:

Am I missing something? If Tia and Colton are so hung up on each other and don't want to deal with drama, then why don't they leave Paradise together and date in the real world?

Because Tia herself admitted that once they go home, their "relationship" doesn't stand a chance, i.e Colton's not interested in pursuing her when cameras aren't rolling.

[Riplet68]

This episode was horribly edited.  They showed Krystal in 4 different outfits in what they were trying to indicate was a few hours.

producers...Arie is not a fan favorite.  Stop trying to make fetch happen. He wasn’t even on BIP. 

I like that not everyone is coupled up and people are changing things up.  Last 2 seasons were so boring 

[Amy Beth]

I don’t understand the format. Why are the gender ratios so purposely out of balance? There should never be more than 1-2 people going home at a time.

Edited August 21, 2018 by Amy Beth

[saber5055]

5 minutes ago, Riplet68 said:

Last 2 seasons were so boring 

And I'm thinking that about this season. Only Venmo John and Jubilee have my attention. The Colton/Tia fake drama is being forced down our throats, and never has a B-ette had to make an appearance in Paradise to save it from sinking further into the dreck. Except Becca had the opposite effect. And was that Arie I saw in the preview? Oh, save me.

[GracieK]

Jordan and Jenna could barely keep straight faces when he was dragging the dog out into the water. And David is a terrible actor with his constant repeating of how he's just doing it for her birthday.. like dude the camera got the shot of you saying it.. and the editors could edit some of it out.. it is just so poorly staged. Come on guys. That said, and while I think they are all in on the joke,  I do think the producers try to egg it on and stoke it, hence Jordan's little hissy about the girls laughing at him. Anyway, he still makes me laugh with some of his lines.."even nice developments have some speed bumps". It all flows so quickly and naturally off his tongue I can't help but chuckle. 

[Rainsong]

This is a quickly typed missive quickly submitted because I’m working strictly from memory with the aid (?) of some rather confusing, cryptic notes.  We’re all guilty to some extent of not being able to read our own handwriting but modern technology means we can also type  - badly - using one-handed hunt-n-peck on an iPad while holding something cold and 80 proof in the other hand.  At least I can.  Now I have to decipher lines like 'krsytal drinking am' (Krystal drinking in the morning) and 'wrertling ekkny props' (Wrestling props for Kenny).

Jenna, Jubilee & Carolina have been added to the credits sequence.  Hooray.  The Life & Times Of Tia & Colton, part 429, are launched.  But first, Chris is in for a bollocking.  It’s nothing short of amazing that despite every male’s dread of the phrase ‘We need to talk’ that females rely on it and expect it to be adhered to immediately without question.  In reality, it translates to ‘I need to talk and you need to listen.  And agree.  Or else.’

We complain about free and easy use of the word ‘like’ as a placeholder, conjunction, etc. but Tia is a traditionalist and prefers to rely on the F-word.  She’s been bleeped more times than a Richard Pryor comedy routine aired during a church service.  Tia declares that Chris is making no sense.  In this, at least, she is correct.  A three-way conversation ensues in which Tia, deliciously, is absolutely robbed of her chance to upbraid Chris.  Her confusion and frustration are evident.  She wants to ‘tap into his brain?’  A dangerous toxic sludge might escape.  Best not.

Krystal’s strict fitness regimen does not, apparently, preclude having a cocktail with breakfast.  Good girl.  Jacqueline, much discussed and speculated about in prior posts on this board, makes an appearance.  And she’s STILL obsessively flipping her hair back and forth.  Still, she’s very easy on the eyes except, perhaps to the BIP men.  Her approach to Colton ends badly – a bomb whistle or sad trombone sound effect would have been appropriate.  Astrid, as usual, is eager to put her shovel in on topics that don’t directly involve her.

If you’re old enough to recall The Archies cartoon or young enough to have watched replays of The Archies on various channels then you might agree that big dumb Colton resembles the slow-witted character Moose.  We're just waiting on the 'd-uhhhh’ utterances.  After he and Tia have mutually torn the guts out of each other for days, he’s still ambivalent.  Tia defines ‘progress’ as ‘jawboning it to death.’

Priapic Kenny is looking for connections.  Kenny is quite the randy lad who, it appears, would make a connection with a light bulb socket if there weren’t a risk of electrocution.  Kenny’s date with Jac actually does feature some quality banter (thanks mostly to quick-witted Jac) although both of them are quite impressed with themselves at shoehorning a mention of Poe into an episode of BIP.  Jac frets about approaching 30 and being alone, inadvertently providing strong evidence that the island of Manhattan should be severed from the continent and left to drift out to sea, taking its pathetic population of cowardly milquetoast males (?) with it.  Fireworks are launched for no apparent reason or occasion except to provide a pretext and a visual backdrop for a kiss.  Baffled locals must be wondering just what the hell is going on.

Nysha is finally given some camera time and proves herself to be an astute and funny – in a cynical way – observer.  Kenny has returned to claim another female for his ad hoc harem – this time it’s Anneliese with her pulsing forehead vein and her bizarre curtain-pull earrings that, regrettably, are all the rage among the cast.  Caroline is earwigging the encounter.

John has the unfortunate tendency to talk through his substantial proboscis, giving his lame chat-up lines even less articulation:  ‘Iwuzthinkingaboutchoo.’  Chris is doing some bizarre puppy dog begging act.  Krystal asks the question every guy is on tenterhooks waiting to hear:  ‘How’s my makeup?’  Chris provides the usual assurances but Krystal still relies on the compact she’s secreted down to the beach daybed.  Cue ocean rushing in metaphor courtesy of the video editors.

Chris & Jordan are like the two ornery tearaway kids that often appeared in episodes of The Little Rascals, bigging each other up despite being soundly unpopular among their peers.  Is Colton wearing floral canvas sneakers?  Bibiana gets off one sardonic observant gem in her commentary before her departure.  Speaking of floral, Jordan’s outfit is the talk of the thatched huts.  Astrid and the sausage provide a censor-proof moment of suggestive levity.

We saw John steaming his shirt earlier but he’s crinkled and creased by night’s end anyway.  Jubilee is wearing a dress so tight we can see the outline of her liver.  Kenny has a friend or two on the production staff – he’s been to dinner, had a fireworks display launched and now he gets wrestling masks and props as he has a mash with his third female of the evening.

David presents his enormous dog - stuffed animal that is - to Jenna and David is dogged enormously by Jordan who casts it into the surf.  Jenna’s façade cracks noticeably.  She’s not impressed.  She’s even less impressed when Jordan loses the plot and begins effing and blinding at Chelsea and Jubilee, who amusingly cock their heads in opposite directions at the opprobrium.  Jubilee wishes she still had her army bayonet.  And so do we.  Jordan later issues the most insincere apology IN BACHELOR HISTORY.

This episode seemed to feature more padding than a mattress factory to make the 2 hour mark but, somewhat miraculously, the RC was not held over to the following night.  Jenna lacks the courage to spurn Juvenile Jordan.  Kenny surprises most of us by choosing Anneliese and disappoints most of us by sending Jacqueline home.  She's Bachelorette material, surely?  Or are the producers worried about more dates that involve more discussions of literary classics?

Edited August 21, 2018 by Rainsong

[Ketzel]

1 hour ago, dizzyd said:

2 hours ago, CindyBee said:

Is Colton the wishy-washyish person to ever be on this show!?!?

Remember Dean?

Remember Jared?

[Stats Queen]

Kenny, why, why - I don’t understand your choice - 

[GracieK]

I'm not much of a Tia fan but I did love her reaction to the bullshit Chris was spewing. It was basically amused incredulity.. like yeah dude your creepy attempts at gaslighting aren't going to work on me.. see ya.

[dbell1]

I recorded it, tuned in at 9:15 and managed to skip most of Dolton, his stage five clinger, Goose crap and Krystal. Kenny is only a hot commodity since its guys night.

Jordan was about as mature as his romper suggested. What is it with stuffed dogs on this show this year? I'm really hoping production dragged that wet thing into his bunk. And by "wet thing", I don't mean David.

Eric FTW.  Loved him finally getting around to speaking! 

[saber5055]

29 minutes ago, Rainsong said:

This is a quickly typed missive quickly submitted because I’m working strictly from memory with the aid (?) of some rather confusing, cryptic notes.

I give you props for having any brain cells, aka memory, left after watching two hours of this dreck. Although that 80 proof probably helps a great deal.

30 minutes ago, Rainsong said:

Jubilee is wearing a dress so tight we can see the outline of her liver. 

This made me LOL because I anticipated you saying "outline of her navel." Your line is SO much better. And so true. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

[Jax7917]

2 hours ago, CindyBee said:

I'm trying to think who has been more desperate than Annaliese on this show?!?  Maybe Sarah Herron?   Ashley I?  Carly?

Tia 

[chocolatine]

38 minutes ago, dbell1 said:

Jordan was about as mature as his romper suggested.

He was wearing pants and a vest.

It would have looked a lot less weird if he'd worn a shirt under the vest. Part of me hopes that outfit also has a matching suit jacket. :)

Edited August 21, 2018 by chocolatine

[Jax7917]

Why was tia not getting coltons straightforwardness that he just wasn't into her ? Yea bibiana , tia and everyone else finally forced him to give her a chance , but tia made it seem like he ever said he had any interest in her when in fact from the beginning , he looked repulsed by her . And she kept saying that she's done with chris and going to Colton as if she had a say in the matter . That girl reeks of desperation . I guarantee the second the cameras stopped rolling and most likely before that , he dropped her like a hot potato . 

Crystals voice is still creepy AF. 

Chris is the biggest loser that ever was . 

On the bachelorette , I thought Jordan was gay . But watching more of him now , I'm convinced he has an 8 year old mentality and just doesn't know how to behave . He just reminds me of a little boy for some reason . 

[backformore]

23 minutes ago, chocolatine said:

He was wearing pants and a vest.

It would have looked a lot less weird if he'd worn a shirt under the vest. Part of me hopes that outfit also has a matching suit jacket. :)

He said it is a "prototype" and comes with a tie and jacket as well.  AND he has it in blue.  

[angelamh66]

The producers/editors have way over-estimated people's interest in Colton and Tia.... NOBODY CARES!!!!! 

Also, the editing was way wonky cutting footage in the wrong order.  Krystal and Tia's outfits were the biggest clue, but there were also references to last night or today that would not have been correct if things were shown in the right sequence.

Bye bye Bibi... I'll miss you. 

[HappyDancex2]

3 hours ago, saber5055 said:

Well show, you have succeeded in making me hate Colton and Tia with the heat of a thousand suns. Good job.

A thousand suns as portrayed on the bandana of Duck Duck?

[McKinezeInFloMnd]

Is Caroline basically a Gold Digger, she only dates NHL Hockey Players and now millionaire App developers. She seems shady. 

[the-grey-lady]

4 hours ago, CindyBee said:

Is Colton the wishy-washyish person to ever be on this show!?!?

You've forgotten Dean already?!

[bequialife]

4 hours ago, Armchair Critic said:

I've been waiting for Jordan's outfit since they showed that weeks ago on the previews. Only he could pull that off...barely.

Or Wills...

3 hours ago, CindyBee said:

Sigh, 27 is old now.

And Anneleise is my least favorite of the ladies after Tia.   Caroline is close 3rd

Ya, talk about putting pressure on oneself! Sigh...

[RedheadZombie]

4 hours ago, Ohwell said:

I don't know how he looked before Bachelorette/BIP but Jordan looks kind of "soft" to be a male model.  Maybe too much alcohol and food and lazing around?  

Tonight Jordan looked (and acted) like a chubby toddler having a tantrum because his mother made him take of his sister's floral jumper. 

[Wandering Snark]

As far as Tia/Colton goes, so... they're finally together. Cut. Print it. Perfect. Let's Move on.

I think Anneliese won over Kenny with the cheap wrestling pop but I'd have gone another way with that decision. Finally a brunettes that isn't crude or crazy and she goes home on her birthday? Damn. I always feel for the people that come on late with clock ticking.

I hate this "find my person" phrase/concept that has crept into Bach lingo. Stop it.

Great that we have 'couples' that haven't even been shown. I was all 'wait who the hell is that?' for a few rose givings.

It's Jordan's fault that he hasn't talked about how David is madly in love with him and what el creepo's game plan is. Then she could see that behavior and blow it off. Better to communicate why the dude is super creepy than play into his game and drown an innocent stuffed animal which wasn't a good look.

[MVFrostsMyPie]

Annaliese's cameltoe in her tight romper matched her cleavage, so there's that. 

Watching these people have conversations makes me feel like my brain cells are jumping off a cliff to escape the mundaneness. Communication.... I've heard it comes in handy when in a strong relationship, but whatever. 

[Shades of Scarlet]

Simply cannot believe how many gorgeous girls the utterly undeserving Arie had on his season.  (No, not Tia.)  Jacqueline!  Beautiful.  And so smart.  Much like Kendall in both respects.  Too bad she was shoehorned in as a designated last-minute drama person and no real chance.  

[DEL901]

Who knew they were remaking the tv show “the Last Man On Earth” with Kenny?

[JenE4]

7 hours ago, Amy Beth said:

I don’t understand the format. Why are the gender ratios so purposely out of balance? There should never be more than 1-2 people going home at a time.

 

The more single, desperate people they have vying for a rose, the more chances for drama! What if the two extra people were Bibi and Nysha? Nothing would have happened because both were resigned that they had no one and didn’t even try. But throw in the likes of Annaliese, Tia, Krystal, Caroline, Jaqueline, Jubilee...all vying for roses and fighting over the same guys—now we got ourselves a show!

Edited August 21, 2018 by JenE4
Remembered two more