S05.E18: Regrets Only

[OnceSane]

Quote

Lisa forces Katie and Tom to reexamine their relationship when she declines to officiate their wedding; Stassi fumbles through a blind date with the help of Kristen; Lisa organizes a sexy SUR photo shoot, with Tom and Ariana wearing nothing but food.

 

[ColinO]

The way that Katie and Tom ask Lisa to officiate their wedding is way over the top! Stassi fumbling through her blind date is bound to be hilarious. And watching Katie meltdown over her relationship with tom is going to be heart breaking. I'm really looking forward to this years reunion though. I read some spoilers about it and seems like it is going to be intense!

[55Unicorns]

The crap just piles higher and deeper...

[ivygirl]

Oh my gosh. LVP saying Ariana can have a Baby Sandoval and "shave his little baby forehead." Teeeheeeheeee

Ive never heard people say "AF" out loud. Now it's twice in an hour. If they keep it up they're going to be as bad as Eden from RHOBH and her hashtag addiction.

[bosawks]

It's funny that they always talk about how apparently "sexy" the SUR photo shoot is and my reaction to watching it is to seriously contemplate celibacy.

[ExplainItAgain]

Katie looked really good at the first sit down with Lisa.

I'm not an Ariana fan but I admire her for saying she doesn't want kids and blech to Lisa for saying she'll change her mind.

I'll take Stassi's date if she doesn't want him!

[Primetimer]

It's time for the sexy unique restaurant's annual photo shoot! So why is the episode that surrounds it so mild?

View the full article

[chick binewski]

I reiterate my weekly point that Jax with his awfulness and derision of Britanny and Kristen with her skanky ass life advice are definitely getting together on the DL. And OF COURSE Jax steals sandwiches from gas stations.

SO over Lisa and her bump-it bestowing wisdom on all. And Dibs Bottom is totally my new porn name.

[njbchlover]

42 minutes ago, ExplainItAgain said:

Katie looked really good at the first sit down with Lisa.

I'm not an Ariana fan but I admire her for saying she doesn't want kids and blech to Lisa for saying she'll change her mind.

I'll take Stassi's date if she doesn't want him!

Stassi's date reminded me of James Vanderbeek from Dawson's Creek.

[Michichick]

The photo shoot gets more ridiculous every season. Nothing about that was sexy.

Katie and Tom, eh. They deserve each other, and I don't mean that in the ostensibly nice way that Vanderpump meant it.

[Neeners]

That bump-it ruined the whole episode for me.

[kdl88]

What was going on with Katie's hair at the beach?

[ninjago]

When Lisa questioned them about their readiness for marriage, Tom said something like, "We've been through so much and it overshadows our relationship".  But what have they "been through"?  Don't they just pick fights with each other over all sorts of stupid shit?  If it were Tom Sandoval reuniting with and marrying Kristin or even Jax marrying Brittany then, yeah, they've been through lots of stuff.  These two haven't been through anything, which is why their constant conflict is such a bad sign: they don't even have anything to fight about!

[Michichick]

@ninjago, they've been through Tom cheating on Katie. And her pressuring him to propose. And his lazy, shiftless approach to life. :)

[urusai]

And her tequila fueled rage texts and him pouring drinks on her head.

[HunterHunted]

After Schwartz's "dibs bottom," Dame Moylan's Schwartz themed erotica has never seemed more appropriate.

http://www.vulture.com/2017/03/vanderpump-rules-season-5-episode-18.html

[Maharincess]

4 hours ago, ivygirl said:

Oh my gosh. LVP saying Ariana can have a Baby Sandoval and "shave his little baby forehead." Teeeheeeheeee

Ive never heard people say "AF" out loud. Now it's twice in an hour. If they keep it up they're going to be as bad as Eden from RHOBH and her hashtag addiction.

I actually had somebody say "lol" to me the other day. We were waiting in line at the pharmacy talking and she made a joke and said "lol".  I was shocked. 

When Kristen was listing what Stassi needed for her date, did she really say adderal right before she said condoms?  I couldn't rewind it to find out but that's what it sounded like she said. 

[acid burn]

47 minutes ago, Maharincess said:

When Kristen was listing what Stassi needed for her date, did she really say adderal right before she said condoms?  I couldn't rewind it to find out but that's what it sounded like she said. 

She said Adderall, condoms, and Plan B. The latter two are pretty self-explanatory but I was wondering WTF Kristen does on dates that involves Adderall, unless she doesn't think it's cute to show a dude that wimmens eat.

[ghoulina]

Whew, what a relief. Tom and Katie have miraculously figured out how to get along. I mean, now that they've managed not to fight for one week, LVP feels confident enough to officiate their wedding. So, yea, I'm sure things will go smoothly from here on out. 

NOT. 

Are these people delusional? Neither one has the fortitude or the humility to continue to put in the hard work and let petty BS go. Plus, I just see zero chemistry between them. I know they've been together a long time, but when they DO try to be romantic, it just feels so forced. They couldn't even have a romantic moment on the beach without pointing out Dorito crumbs and almost picking up bloody tampons. Can you say "sizzling"? 

Speaking of, I didn't understand everything Jeeves was saying when he made his request at Lisa's door. It almost sounded like he said that LVP officiating would make the wedding a "fissure"? Sounds about right. 

Of course Kristen takes advantage of a service dog. OF COURSE she does. 

Stassi on her date gave me life! As a friend, and in a circle of girls, I find her loathsome. But in this context, she was hilarious as fuck. I would watch a spin-off Stassi dating show, no doubt. I really need to see he eventually find a nice guy who isn't too murdery, but is just the right amount of manslaughtery. 

The editors were on point too. Stassi - "I'm so pretty because I sleep a lot". Cut to Date: "How long have you been single?" \

Bahahahahaha! There was laughing AT her. There was laughing WITH her. Just good, good stuff. 

[Sai]

Katie looks so much better with her hair pulled back.  She should get styled professionally more often.

Holy cow what a skank Kristen is with the dating advice she was giving Stassi.  Her attitude towards sex is why she cheated on Tom, twice in one weekend with two different guys and with Jax too!!  Yuck.  I'm glad Stassi said she wasn't doing anything on the first date.  Good.  Her blind date looked like a drip but Stassi's talking heads were funny!

Lala next week.  Maybe we'll find out where she disappeared to for so long.

[FlyingEgret]

The only shocking part about Tom and Katie's reconciliation one week before the wedding is that they had sex

[SFoster21]

32 minutes ago, ghoulina said:

Whew, what a relief. Tom and Katie have miraculously figured out how to get along. I mean, now that they've managed not to fight for one week, LVP feels confident enough to officiate their wedding. So, yea, I'm sure things will go smoothly from here on out. 

NOT. 

Are these people delusional? Neither one has the fortitude or the humility to continue to put in the hard work and let petty BS go. Plus, I just see zero chemistry between them. I know they've been together a long time, but when they DO try to be romantic, it just feels so forced. They couldn't even have a romantic moment on the beach without pointing out Dorito crumbs and almost picking up bloody tampons. Can you say "sizzling"? 

Speaking of, I didn't understand everything Jeeves was saying when he made his request at Lisa's door. It almost sounded like he said that LVP officiating would make the wedding a "fissure"? Sounds about right. 

Of course Kristen takes advantage of a service dog. OF COURSE she does. 

Stassi on her date gave me life! As a friend, and in a circle of girls, I find her loathsome. But in this context, she was hilarious as fuck. I would watch a spin-off Stassi dating show, no doubt. I really need to see he eventually find a nice guy who isn't too murdery, but is just the right amount of manslaughtery. 

The editors were on point too. Stassi - "I'm so pretty because I sleep a lot". Cut to Date: "How long have you been single?" \

Bahahahahaha! There was laughing AT her. There was laughing WITH her. Just good, good stuff. 

I was struck by their inability to do a romantic pose for the shoot.  Katy's contempt for him is clear in all their pix.

[ghoulina]

10 hours ago, Michichick said:

 

The photo shoot gets more ridiculous every season. Nothing about that was sexy.

 

When the pig is the sexiest one in the room.....

[Ubiquitous]

I fell asleep right some time around Cigarette Sally and Stassi having lunch with their fake service dogs and the annual inappropriate "sexy" photo shoot. I need to send my personal trainer something in gratitude.

[bosawks]

On 3/7/2017 at 8:56 AM, ghoulina said:

When the pig is the sexiest one in the room.....

You're going to have to clarify which pig you mean :-)

Edited March 9, 2017 by bosawks
Grammar and stuff...

[Thumper]

I laughed when Stassi's date asked her what she liked to do for fun (hiking? biking?) and she said "um, no ... I'm pretty sedentary."   LOL.   Not sure he was that into her either!  

[ghoulina]

17 minutes ago, Thumper said:

I laughed when Stassi's date asked her what she liked to do for fun (hiking? biking?) and she said "um, no ... I'm pretty sedentary."   LOL.   Not sure he was that into her either!  

Yea, I think he was just really polite. 

But props to her for being upfront about who she is. 

[Pachengala]

24 minutes ago, Thumper said:

Not sure he was that into her either!  

Definitely not--he was going for a handshake right before their goodbye hug! Not that I blame him; Stassi is like the anti-sex to me. 

So this was the big Katie/Tom redemption episode. After a season of showing us how terrible they are, separately and together, I guess now we're supposed to be all swoony about their love because, why? They've 'been through so much'? They're having sex again? They finally learned to communicate? Sure, show. I'm convinced. 

[Ubiquitous]

Yea, I think he was just really polite. But props to her for being upfront about who she is.

Stassi told him she's a famewhore on a reality show?

[farmgal4]

12 hours ago, njbchlover said:

Stassi's date reminded me of James Vanderbeek from Dawson's Creek.

He reminded me of SOMEONE; I'm not sure who, but I know I've seen that guy's face before.

[nexxie]

Did Stassi really say that she's pretty because of sleep? imo she's pretty average in the looks dept. and way below average in behavior - I feel sorry for the poor sap who marries Narcissist Stassi.

[yourmomiseasy]

Have we seen the Sexy Unique Restaurant trucker hats before?  Because I just about died laughing and seeing that spelled out in script on FI's head.

[ExplainItAgain]

1 hour ago, Ubiquitous said:

Yea, I think he was just really polite. But props to her for being upfront about who she is.

Stassi told him she's a famewhore on a reality show?

Well, I'm guessing he knew through their mutual friend and the cameras pointed at them during dinner...!

59 minutes ago, farmgal4 said:

He reminded me of SOMEONE; I'm not sure who, but I know I've seen that guy's face before.

He agreed to film a date on camera so I wouldn't be surprised if he's made his reality show debut before last night...

[racked]

One little chat from LVP and Tom and Katie's relationship is saved! How hard is it for the two of them to realize they just need to stop being awful to each other? Katie looked really pretty in the scene with LVP, and I think it's because her bangs are just awful and should always be taken off her face.  

Jax is really a terrible boyfriend, but he still makes me laugh. Britney did look really pretty at the shoot. Were she and Jax the only ones (of the main cast) to not get their own separate photos taken?

[politichick]

14 hours ago, Michichick said:

@ninjago, they've been through Tom cheating on Katie. And her pressuring him to propose. And his lazy, shiftless approach to life. :)

What exactly is up with his lack of ambition? I like him but I could not ever tolerate that. Maybe that's why she's such a bitch?

[bichonblitz]

Stassi admits to her date that she doesn't like to work out, sleeps a lot, and enjoys lunch and her 2 dogs! And if by being in to murder and manslaughter she means that she watches all that stuff on TV such as Snapped, Dateline on OWN, Forensic Files and 48 hours, then she's my girl!!

Who ever said upthread that Katie and Tom have no chemistry, is spot on! Even under the best of circumstances, sunset on the beach, the two of them not fighting for a minute, cuddled with the blanket over them, gazing in to each other's eyes, (ha) they still can't muster up any sparks! And Katy just has to ruin the mood with her naggy comments.....

[ghoulina]

3 hours ago, Ubiquitous said:

Stassi told him she's a famewhore on a reality show?

I think that would be stating the obvious. 

I'm no Stassi fan, but I did enjoy seeing her being honest about the fact that she's not active, into sports, etc. A lot of women think they have to tell a guy what he wants to hear, be into what he's into, etc. She was like, "Nope. I want to sit on my ass all day". It found it refreshing. 

41 minutes ago, bichonblitz said:

And Katy just has to ruin the mood with her naggy comments.....

Did you eat Doritos???? 

She's like his mother. 

[ScoobieDoobs]

I kinda wanted Stassi's date to say -- Look, I'm a serial killer, except I haven't killed anybody yet & I may or may not in the future, BUT I will treat you like absolute shit 24/7, cheat on you whenever I get the chance AND I will ALWAYS act like a complete & total asshole.  Would Stass have perked up?  Would she have taken the bait?  Hell yeah!!!  And bunny-boiling Cigarette Sally would too.  Idk, that Carter merely looks like a creepy serial killer.  But he seems way too nice & boring for a chucklefuck.

Seriously, WTF with Stassi's date?  Were the producers fucking with us?  Did they wanna give us a jolt & a giggle -- for a comparison of an actual nice responsible guy with a regular job to a lazy shiftless chucklefuck?  C'mon now.  They shipped Stassi's date in from somewhere else, right?  I figured, according to this show, NOBODY like that guy exists in LA.

[DeeReynolds]

I thought Katie had more love for the chicken piccata than she did Tom. The look she gave those noodles was one of pure desire. Not calling her out, I love my Italian food also! But not more than my husband...

Also, Sandoval talking about how to hide a boner during a photoshoot was gold. As was the boys "jacking off" to Peter's spray tan. Made me chuckle. 

[Thumper]

4 hours ago, ghoulina said:

I think that would be stating the obvious. 

I'm no Stassi fan, but I did enjoy seeing her being honest about the fact that she's not active, into sports, etc. A lot of women think they have to tell a guy what he wants to hear, be into what he's into, etc. She was like, "Nope. I want to sit on my ass all day". It found it refreshing. 

Did you eat Doritos???? 

She's like his mother. 

Yes, I admire her for being honest, too!  I would never have had the guts to say that back in my dating days.  Hence those awful racketball dates...   :)

[b2H]

Without shaming anyone, I have a serious question:  I remembered Katie as being much lighter than she has appeared this season.  I know he I got married two years ago, really watching my weight and wanting to look my best.  The scene with the dinner looked like she might be self-medicating with food. 

Am I off-base?

[Michichick]

8 hours ago, politichick said:

What exactly is up with his lack of ambition? I like him but I could not ever tolerate that. Maybe that's why she's such a bitch?

I didn't think I'd be able to tolerate it, either, but I was laid off a few months ago and I've found I have a seemingly infinite capacity to enjoy not working. :) But then again, I'm waaaaay older than Schwartz, have worked hard my whole life, and am not relying on my partner to pay my way. I do sort of understand why a person might not want to work if they can manage it, though. ;)

[Sun-Bun]

4 hours ago, b2H said:

Without shaming anyone, I have a serious question:  I remembered Katie as being much lighter than she has appeared this season.  I know he I got married two years ago, really watching my weight and wanting to look my best.  The scene with the dinner looked like she might be self-medicating with food. 

Am I off-base?

Nope! I was also my absolute skinniest the year I got engaged/married and wanted to look my best. What bride wants to look back at her wedding pics and not be proud of looking fit and fabulous? She's young and healthy and honestly has no excuse to be at her best shape right before she marries, but maybe she's just one of those gals who feels like now that she's got a ring and a wedding date that she can let herself go as she pleases since she snagged the ultimate prize of a big ring/wedding.

Quote

 

I kinda wanted Stassi's date to say -- Look, I'm a serial killer, except I haven't killed anybody yet & I may or may not in the future, BUT I will treat you like absolute shit 24/7, cheat on you whenever I get the chance AND I will ALWAYS act like a complete & total asshole.  Would Stass have perked up?  Would she have taken the bait?  Hell yeah!!!  And bunny-boiling Cigarette Sally would too.  Idk, that Carter merely looks like a creepy serial killer.  But he seems way too nice & boring for a chucklefuck.

Seriously, WTF with Stassi's date?  Were the producers fucking with us?  Did they wanna give us a jolt & a giggle -- for a comparison of an actual nice responsible guy with a regular job to a lazy shiftless chucklefuck?  C'mon now.  They shipped Stassi's date in from somewhere else, right?  I figured, according to this show, NOBODY like that guy exists in LA.

I dunno, I totally saw him as one of those sweet and polite Midwestern dudes who hadn't yet become a hardened LA douche/jerk yet. He seemed unaffected and therefore pretty new to the area. Maybe he was relocated for a job in his field there.

At any rate, Stassi seems way too selfish and immature to be able to sustain a healthy and mature adult relationship with a nice responsible guy. Based on all her exes she obviously thrives on drama and excitement and typical glitzy entertainment industry type douches. She's at the age where she still finds stable regular guys "boring" and hasn't yet outgrown her bad boy phase---I would know, since I was still exactly like that when I was around her age. Then I hit age 30 and realized that I was going nowhere but to a life of unfulfilled singledom if I didn't open my eyes to more nice regular guys and less "creative" types.

Hopefully she'll similarly wise up and be more open to dating guys a bit more like this one, ones that will respect her and treat her like a lady, not just a girl of the moment. And maybe she should also invest in a few more deep life interests beyond shopping, late lunching and sleeping.   

[Rubyslippahz]

Things must be dire when you really miss DJ James Kennedy and Lala and are stoked they are back next week.   The focus this season on the Bubbas pathetic relationship and nuptials is so stale. I was more excited about Scheana and Schay getting married TBH  

Stassi-- "not murder-y enough" ha

I am really appreciating Sandoval this season.  Dude has timing and is pretty funny!

[metalchik]

Count me in as another Sandoval fan...he's such a cutie and I feel like he is genuine for the most part.

Did anyone else groan at their tv during next weeks preview?  I can't stand Kennedy or LaLa.  Guess I'll be using the fast forward button next week.

[hoodooznoodooz]

"I don't get out of bed for less than $10,000."

"No wonder you spend so much time in bed."

I am rather surprised that LVP chose to include that fake roasted pig. I'm not nearly the animal rights activist that she is, and it made me sad.  Plus, if you've ever viewed any of the Yulin images, I think that pig really would make you uncomfortable. 

[hoodooznoodooz]

I like Brittany, but it irks me when someone needs his/her significant other to reassure him/her often that he/she looks good.

Which one thought it was a good idea for a restaurant's website to feature photos of food draped over naked bodies?

Can someone explain Sandoval's advice regarding hiding a boner? He was talking pretty fast, so I missed a lot.  Thanks.  

"Is that a rabbit's foot?"

"It might be a tampon."

[Alison]

Kristen needs to wear glasses more often; they make her face look less...horsey.

I don't know whether I hope Tom and Katie stay married forever, since they've chosen to go all-in on this dumpster fire of a relationship, or wish for a swift and painless divorce so they can experience life without a miserable partner.

[Michichick]

38 minutes ago, hoodooznoodooz said:

I like Brittany, but it irks me when someone needs his/her significant other to reassure him/her often that he/she looks good.

Agreed! It appeared that Brittany only complimented Jax in order to get a compliment in return. That's gross.

[Ubiquitous]

Entrepreneurial expert Lisa VanderBucks is also has expertise in fixing relationships? Is there nothing that woman cannot do? LaLa is coming back? TBH, I forgot she had left… That photoshoot with food in successful businesswoman Lisa VanderBuck’s restaurant was just gross!

Can someone explain Sandoval's advice regarding hiding a boner? He was talking pretty fast, so I missed a lot. Thanks.

I think Sandoval was explaining that if you get a boner and your dick is pointing downward, it’s more obvious than if it’s pointing up, but why hide it if you’re taking “sexy” pictures for your glorified Hooters calendar?