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Jessa, Ben and Their Brood: Making a (Diaper) Mountain out of a Mold House


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The Duggars post about politics on social media frequently, but these social media posts are not an invitation to discuss politics here in this forum. This rule extends to Duggar adjacent families, friends, associates etc. Such discussions are a violation of the Politics Policy. 

I understand with recent current events there may be a desire to discuss certain social media postings of those in the Duggar realm as they relate to politics- this is not the place for those discussions. If you believe someone has violated forum rules, report them, do not respond or engage.

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33 minutes ago, BitterApple said:

I'm honestly shocked they managed to create #4.

 I'm envisioning them both just trying to lie back and think of England. 😂

i-dont-just-lie-there-if-thats-what-your

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35 minutes ago, BitterApple said:

And I know I've harped on this a million times, but what the hell is up with Ivy? That kid is chronically exhausted.

Its lack of schedule. A friend of mine had three kids and it took her until her youngest reached kindergarten age to figure it out. The third kid got the worst of it. I can't tell you how many times that kid would fall asleep at the weirdest times and weirdest places. She has fallen asleep in the hallway at dance classes where folks literally had to step over her, at like 4pm. Or fall asleep slumped over the bleachers at a kids' basketball game at 6pm. The kid would stay up sometimes until 11 or 12 at night. And this was at like ages 4 and 5.

The mom didn't "believe" in mealtimes or bedtimes. It took her middle kid's teacher to tell her that kid and her kindergartener were struggling to pay attention in school, for her to do anything about it. The oldest had already put herself on a schedule at like age 8 and asked for an alarm clock so she could wake herself up in the morning.

Schedules when wrangling kids are a blessing and a curse. It takes thought and discipline on the parent's part to get them going and make them work, but the reward is a happier household. But I remember being as excited for summer as the kids were because we could relax the schedules a bit.

This mom was not hippie, or Fundy or anything other than clueless and a little selfish - much like Jessa.

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34 minutes ago, BitterApple said:

And I know I've harped on this a million times, but what the hell is up with Ivy? That kid is chronically exhausted.

The Seewald blessings are being raised the Duggar way. No schedules, no direction. One thing we paid close attention to was SBaby’s body language when tired, hungry, etc. We met her at 16 months old and were given no guidance about her schedule. TBH the little info provided was false.

Two and a half weeks after being a forever family we were home, there was a 15 hours time difference. We did the best we could to adjust ourselves and Baby S to CA time. 
 

The thing is that it took a lot of observing, loving, patience, and team work. I’m sure we failed miserably on many areas. But the focus was on what was best for Baby S. Once we got over the time difference a schedule helped so much. I’m no MOTY, but I knew when Baby S needed a nap and planned accordingly. 

SGirl celebrated her 14th birthday on Monday. Monday through Thursday she goes to bed on her own at 9:00 PM. She needs her sleep. We are easy going on weekends and vacations. 
 

I am the poster ADHD adult from hell yet our bundle of hyperkinetic joy led the way. I was also a CPS SW and mother before SBaby decided to take over our lives. Why can’t Bin figure it out? 
 


 

 

 

 

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4 hours ago, GeeGolly said:

Driving around holding the baby on her lap. I realize it was on the Duggar back 40, but they're called accidents for a reason.

The pond is not on the Duggar back 40. They had to drive on county roads to get to Granny's place. 

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2 minutes ago, emmawoodhouse said:

The pond is not on the Duggar back 40. They had to drive on county roads to get to Granny's place. 

Well shit that's even worse. I thought it was this watering hole.

image.png.96f89dd27628032b1bf3ba0a02201e9b.png

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Ben seems to have grown up with more order than Jessa had--I mean, low bar compared to nothing--so I imagine he has some glimmer of knowledge that a schedule would be beneficial. I think he just doesn't give a shit and is checked out, too, so in some ways, I see him as even more culpable than Jessa. 

Edited to add: maybe it's yet another passive-aggressive thing with them. I feel like pretty much every interaction of theirs just reeks of passive-aggressive bullshit. Maybe he's advocated for it, and she shot it down, so here they are.

Edited by Zella
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On 3/18/2021 at 6:57 PM, SMama said:

Do Ben and Jessa interact at all? Maybe is having 3 kids but I found it weird how far apart they were when fishing. I understand a safe distance to avoid tangled lines, but that was a lot of space between them. I wonder how blessing #4 will affect their perfect marriage. 

I'm surprised they even have sex.

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23 hours ago, Zella said:

Ben seems to have grown up with more order than Jessa had--I mean, low bar compared to nothing--so I imagine he has some glimmer of knowledge that a schedule would be beneficial. I think he just doesn't give a shit and is checked out, too, so in some ways, I see him as even more culpable than Jessa. 

Edited to add: maybe it's yet another passive-aggressive thing with them. I feel like pretty much every interaction of theirs just reeks of passive-aggressive bullshit. Maybe he's advocated for it, and she shot it down, so here they are.

You could even hear that tone in his voice when asking about Ivy missing her nap. Any love that was there is lost. Not to mention, when I read Bin was apart from them at the lake I did not realize he was on the opposite side 😂, that’s not zone defense for the kids that’s avoidance.

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5 minutes ago, NotthebadVictoria said:

Not to mention, when I read Bin was apart from them at the lake I did not realize he was on the opposite side 😂,

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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18 hours ago, NotthebadVictoria said:

You could even hear that tone in his voice when asking about Ivy missing her nap. Any love that was there is lost. Not to mention, when I read Bin was apart from them at the lake I did not realize he was on the opposite side 😂, that’s not zone defense for the kids that’s avoidance.

Lol, yeah, it makes sense to have the kids safely distanced while they're flinging fish hooks around, but Bin was damn near in the next county. I wonder if Jessa is even aware of how strained they come across on camera.

Edited by BitterApple
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1 minute ago, Future Cat Lady said:

Maybe, but I tend to think it's more about fulfilling his needs.

I get the vibe that it's more about procreating for the Duggar Army than anyone's needs being fulfilled. 

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32 minutes ago, Zella said:

I get the vibe that it's more about procreating for the Duggar Army than anyone's needs being fulfilled. 

I think it's a combination. I doubt Ben's getting laid all that often. Once a month sounds about right. 

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1 hour ago, emmawoodhouse said:

I think it's a combination. I doubt Ben's getting laid all that often. Once a month sounds about right. 

Sometimes there's a reason not to add any bedrooms to your house as your family expands. A bed full of toddlers has its uses. 

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5 minutes ago, Churchhoney said:

Sometimes there's a reason not to add any bedrooms to your house as your family expands. A bed full of toddlers has its uses. 

I don't think it's necessarily Jessa keeping Ben at arm's length, either. I wouldn't be surprised if that wasn't the case, and it wouldn't surprise me if either one -- or both -- are fine with the arrangement.

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14 minutes ago, cmr2014 said:

I don't think it's necessarily Jessa keeping Ben at arm's length, either. I wouldn't be surprised if that wasn't the case, and it wouldn't surprise me if either one -- or both -- are fine with the arrangement.

Ezra Pound speaks for Jessa and Bin:

"As a bathtub lined with white porcelain, when the hot water gives out or goes tepid, so is the slow cooling of our chivalrous passion, o my much praised but-not-altogether-satisfactory  man/lady."

Edited by Churchhoney
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4 hours ago, lascuba said:

Could be sex is the only thing they enjoy about their marriage at this point.

From what I’ve seen and heard, they appear to have a child sleeping in bed with them a lot of the time.  I even heard Jessa say that Henry, when he was younger,  slept with them every night.  I don’t think that would be conducive for lovemaking.

On 3/19/2021 at 6:02 PM, BigBingerBro said:

Sayings of Spurgeon

62hbkm8eb2o61.png?width=960&crop=smart&a

Spurge appears to have a healthy self-esteem.

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1 hour ago, cmr2014 said:

I don't think it's necessarily Jessa keeping Ben at arm's length, either. I wouldn't be surprised if that wasn't the case, and it wouldn't surprise me if either one -- or both -- are fine with the arrangement.

Oh based on the way they act, I don't think either one is pining for the other. Whatever it is seems very mutual. 

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On 3/20/2021 at 5:41 PM, Future Cat Lady said:

Maybe, but I tend to think it's more about fulfilling his needs.

Could be that, too. I've always had the theory that Jessa actually compromises a LOT in an attempt to keep that bitter manchild she married sweet. There's just only so much one can compromise before turning yourself into a different person. But I also think that one can never really tell about a couple's sex life based on their dynamic. I've had friends in truly toxic relationships--one of them abusive--who confided that even during the worst of it, the sex was still frequent and amazing. I've also known couples who seemed loving and affectionate who's sex lives were completely dead. We are a weird species.

11 minutes ago, madpsych78 said:

I can't figure out for the life of me who Henry takes after. Aside from his hair also being curly, he otherwise doesn't resemble any of the other Seewalds.

I just took a really long look at Henry and...he's a white, blond version of my nephew at that age. I won't post a picture, but I swear the resemblance is uncanny and it's freaking me out a little.

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23 hours ago, lascuba said:

Could be that, too. I've always had the theory that Jessa actually compromises a LOT in an attempt to keep that bitter manchild she married sweet. There's just only so much one can compromise before turning yourself into a different person. But I also think that one can never really tell about a couple's sex life based on their dynamic. I've had friends in truly toxic relationships--one of them abusive--who confided that even during the worst of it, the sex was still frequent and amazing. I've also known couples who seemed loving and affectionate who's sex lives were completely dead. We are a weird species.

I just took a really long look at Henry and...he's a white, blond version of my nephew at that age. I won't post a picture, but I swear the resemblance is uncanny and it's freaking me out a little.

That's an interesting perspective, I've always thought the opposite.

Ben was really young when he went after Jessa, so I don't think he was really fully formed yet. He had drive, though, and ambition. First of all, he saw a girl on television that he thought was both hot and Jesus-y and decided he wanted her -- and he went and got her. He worked, and went to school -- and even managed to finish school while living in Duggarville -- a pretty singular accomplishment.

I think that he's been bowed down over the years by the Duggars, though. JB and J'chelle have broken 19 kids, they aren't amateurs. I think JB has exerted a lot of pressure -- through Jessa -- to keep Ben in line and in the fold.

Think of the things that Ben used to be passionate about: Calvinism, school, fitness, healthy eating, etc. Jessa used to pretend to care about these things -- she doesn't anymore.

I think that Jessa, like Jill, simply thought that her husband would be sucked into the Duggar vortex and unquestioningly do whatever her father said. JB is slavishly devoted to J'chelle, and I think they expected that, too. So, from that perspective, I do think Jessa has compromised more than she ever expected or wanted to do, and that her marriage is nothing like what she expected.

I do agree that Ben is bitter, though. I think he's just a Ben-shaped shell filled with bitterness and regret.

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11 hours ago, Teriacky said:

Wow,.. ALL of those kids need haircuts. But then again, so does their mother.

And sadly, if you look at Henry's and Spurgie's temples, it looks like they've had a recent cut.

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12 hours ago, cmr2014 said:

That's an interesting perspective, I've always thought the opposite.

Ben was really young when he went after Jessa, so I don't think he was really fully formed yet. He had drive, though, and ambition. First of all, he saw a girl on television that he thought was both hot and Jesus-y and decided he wanted her -- and he went and got her. He worked, and went to school -- and even managed to finish school while living in Duggarville -- a pretty singular accomplishment.

I think that he's been bowed down over the years by the Duggars, though. JB and J'chelle have broken 19 kids, they aren't amateurs. I think JB has exerted a lot of pressure -- through Jessa -- to keep Ben in line and in the fold.

Think of the things that Ben used to be passionate about: Calvinism, school, fitness, healthy eating, etc. Jessa used to pretend to care about these things -- she doesn't anymore.

I think that Jessa, like Jill, simply thought that her husband would be sucked into the Duggar vortex and unquestioningly do whatever her father said. JB is slavishly devoted to J'chelle, and I think they expected that, too. So, from that perspective, I do think Jessa has compromised more than she ever expected or wanted to do, and that her marriage is nothing like what she expected.

I do agree that Ben is bitter, though. I think he's just a Ben-shaped shell filled with bitterness and regret.

Oh, I agree that Ben has been bowed down by the Duggars in many respects, but I think Jessa has been too, and sure, she might be the tool JB uses to keep Ben in the fold, but that's because JB has tools to control her, and he's been using those tools since she was born. With regards to their relationship outside of the Duggar drama (if it's even possible to separate the two), Ben is the one with the power. He might be easily cowed and sullen that his life didn't turn out as he wished, but if he had the temperament, he could just  throw down the headship card and be done with it. There's evidence that he's done it before or, at the very least, Jessa chose to give in to avoid that card being thrown. Spurgeon's name is the most obvious example of this--Jessa clearly loathed it and I'd bet cash that the reason they delayed so long in announcing the  name was because they were arguing about it before Jessa gave in. Even back in their courtship days, Jessa stopped being honest about her lack of excitement over his romantic gestures after Michelle reprimanded her for it. I don't think those are isolated incidences; I think it's become a pattern where Jessa stifles herself or gives in, but she's still Jessa so it's not enough for him, and he's become increasingly bitter that he doesn't have the sweet, docile wife he'd assume a Duggar girl would be.

Those two are fundamentally incompatible, because it's not that Ben's "laid back," it's that he's passive and can't handle any type of push back with grace or honesty. And Jessa might be obnoxious, but I know people as strong willed as she is, and they're at their best when they get reasonable push back from people who can handle disagreement. Instead what they have is Ben saying something, Jessa disagreeing, and Ben going along with it because he's thrown by the fact that his ideas aren't met with simpering. So Jessa gets her way, but she gets a husband who's increasingly sullen and distant, so she gives in in ways she think will help, and now they're both miserable.

If Ben weren't fundie, he'd be the guy complaining that he gets "friendzoned" for being a "Nice Guy." He just has that vibe, which is why, in this contest between two unlikable people, I like him less.

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13 minutes ago, lascuba said:

I think it's become a pattern where Jessa stifles herself or gives in, but she's still Jessa so it's not enough for him, and he's become increasingly bitter that he doesn't have the sweet, docile wife he'd assume a Duggar girl would be.

I agree completely, and just wanted to add that I think Ben might take out or project a lot of his frustration with his life onto Jessa. He's powerless in his life, but he's got power over HER. He's frustrated with his life, so he becomes frustrated with HER. I think it's not just that she's not simpering enough for him, it's that whatever negative feelings he's got, she's a "safe" place to dump them whether they actually have to do with her or not.

And then what is she supposed to do about it? She can't actually make any move to solve the problem, like divorcing him, without losing her family, religion, and meal ticket. Or that's what she thinks, anyway... in reality, I think plenty of people would tune in to A Very Dugger Divorce, to watch Jessa try to navigate life as a divorcee and single mom. But Jessa is too cowed by her culture to go down that path, at least for now.

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1 hour ago, rue721 said:

I agree completely, and just wanted to add that I think Ben might take out or project a lot of his frustration with his life onto Jessa. He's powerless in his life, but he's got power over HER. He's frustrated with his life, so he becomes frustrated with HER. I think it's not just that she's not simpering enough for him, it's that whatever negative feelings he's got, she's a "safe" place to dump them whether they actually have to do with her or not.

And then what is she supposed to do about it? She can't actually make any move to solve the problem, like divorcing him, without losing her family, religion, and meal ticket. Or that's what she thinks, anyway... in reality, I think plenty of people would tune in to A Very Dugger Divorce, to watch Jessa try to navigate life as a divorcee and single mom. But Jessa is too cowed by her culture to go down that path, at least for now.

You're absolutely right.

There's something so incredibly sad to me--that stands out in a sea of sad--about someone with Jessa's personality being so afraid of the world.

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2 hours ago, Churchhoney said:

The one thing we know for sure about Jessa is that she really really likes long curly hair. 

Because she's been told all her life that daddy and Gothard loves it too, and It's Godly and her crowning glory. *gag*

Edited by QuinnInND
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26 minutes ago, lascuba said:

You're absolutely right.

There's something so incredibly sad to me--that stands out in a sea of sad--about someone with Jessa's personality being so afraid of the world.

That's not uncommon.   I have a brother-in-law who will only join in games at family get togethers when he is convinced he will be the winner.  If he thinks there is a chance anyone will beat him, he will stand off to the side, occasionally kibbitzing when he feels he can give off the impression that if he played he would absolutely be the winner.  Some of my most enjoyable family get togethers involve hustling my brother-in-law directly, or helping one of my daughters hustle him into playing because he thinks the competition is weak.    

JB is actually the same.   Watch him in a situation where he doesn't feel he has the upper hand, awkward as hell and completely lost.   Small on camera example is when Ben arranged a surprise birthday party for Jinger and they came into town as part of the surprise.   When Jeremy went to their hotel room to fill them in Jeremy was distinctly attempting to alpha, JB knew it and was completely awkward.   

JB and the Duggar males have attempted to put every prospective son-in-law in their place with some sort of hazing.   Not so much with Austin because I don't think Austin has a personality to tolerate much of that and they knew it.    

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1 hour ago, lascuba said:

You're absolutely right.

There's something so incredibly sad to me--that stands out in a sea of sad--about someone with Jessa's personality being so afraid of the world.

It seems to be not uncommon for somebody who wants to dominate, is an alpha dog in some way, is very competitive, bossy.....to actually seem to be simultaneously intimidated by the world at large. I think part of the reason may be that when you're any of those things, you feel you have a lot at stake. Like you have everything at stake, because if you're not the alpha dog what the heck are you.  Losing or not being the big fish really disturbs you.

I have one close relative like this who's spend his whole adult life moving to smaller and smaller places so that he could eliminate competition. Even though he was perfectly capable of competing in the big pond and had what I'd call a decent amount of real success in his life there. He started out in a huge city, then he moved to a really big city....and he kept moving and now he lives in a tiny village on a tiny remote island.

And at first we all thought it was very odd, since he was Mr. Alpha Dog. But then we realized that he liked being alpha dog so much that he was apparently completely freaked out if there were other alpha dogs in the vicinity. If he was one of a tier of pretty high-performing people but not the undisputed winner and boss of them. He apparently only feels comfortable when he's the undisputed champion. 

And he seems to be quite happy now that he's arrived in a situation where there aren't any rivals. He's always #1. He doesn't have to fight for the spot. People are happy enough to have him show off because nobody else comes by to entertain them or be boss of whatever's going on. 

I would think Jessa might be comfortable with that, too. I don't think she really cares to participate in a wider world. If she can keep it at bay and never have to mix with it and have her own little bailiwick where she's queen, then fine. I mean, I don't think she would ever have agitated for TLC to send her to other countries or to meet Christian rappers or anything. I don't think she's dying to go out and participate in new and different stuff but then fears it. I'd bet she can live just fine without new and different stuff. And she doesn't have to fear it if it's just not part of her life. 

And then with some people I think the rage to dominate actually may come from insecurity and fear. You have to be in control or the world is just too freaky for you. It's out of control and you can't stand that. So you have to dominate everything. I had some fellow teachers who seemed to be very much that way when I taught. They were super bossy because they were terrified of what would happen if they weren't. 

I kind of think Jessa may have a bit of both those things going on, actually. But I don't think it has to make her unhappy. I get the impression that she's fine with a world that's just a manageable-for-her size. I doubt she'd ever go searching for the stuff that scares her. Or ever want to......Hope that's true, anyway. 

I think JB may be different from Jessa in that. I think he may always be chomping at the bit to go out and conquer a bigger arena....but when he tries it, he always runs headlong into the fact that he's scared of it. So he's freaked out and probably bitter and/or angry at the same time. 

 

 

Edited by Churchhoney
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