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Small Talk: The Prayer Closet

Honeycocoa

By Honeycocoa
in Counting On

Scarlett45
Message added by Scarlett45

This is a reminder that the Politics Policy is still in effect.

I understand with recent current events there may be a desire to discuss political social media posts of those in the Duggar realm- this is not the place for those discussions. If you believe someone has violated forum rules, report them, do not respond or engage.

Political discussion is not allowed in this forum- this includes Small Talk topics. Please stay in the spirit of the policy- I have noticed a tendency for some to follow the letter but not the spirit.

Guest

While we understand the frustration (change is never easy), please keep in mind that not everyone feels the same way and that for those members who don't, the ongoing conversation about other forums and chat options can equally be a cause of frustration.

Out of respect for your fellow posters, we kindly ask that you continue any discussion about alternatives via PM or the Technically Speaking: Bugs, Questions, & Suggestions area.

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frenchtoast
frenchtoast

As a former mod (and one that had no input about the changes, I left years ago) the main overall theme/rule/guideline was posters should speak to and about each other with respect/kindness etc. Poster

Churchhoney
Churchhoney

Hi, guys. Just want to let everybody know that I'm simply rude enough to leave for months without saying why -- but that I'm in good health. I didn't actually intend to vanish when I did. But I got ex

lookeyloo
lookeyloo

Hello everyone.  I try and keep up with my Small Talk friends - I am not doing a good job.  Yesterday was 4 weeks.  Tomorrow is the Virtual Memorial and Life Celebration son in law has been working on

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doodlebug

doodlebug

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(edited)

Did this before starting office this afternoon accompanied by the other two docs working in the office today and 4 of the medical assistants.  I didn't kneel though as I can get down there but cannot get up in any graceful fashion.  Just a gesture, but we're all just sick at heart about the state of our country these days.

For those counting at home, 6 white people (one with an AA son in law and 2 grandsons) and 1 AA woman).

And, yes, we social distanced and wore masks as we knelt in the drive in front of our office. 

My employer has recently been sending emails warning people not to take or post any photos of ourselves on the premises where we are not wearing masks and 6 feet apart.

I don't know any of the people in the photo below or where it was taken.

white coa.jpg

Edited by doodlebug
  • Love 28
Porkchop

Porkchop

My small town in Massachusetts had a small demonstration in memory of George Floyd this week. There was very little publicity ahead of time. I did see a Facebook comment that said out-of-towners were coming to town to make trouble, watch out for them. The actual event was photographed (80+ pictures on FB), and was attended by about two dozen people, including two local African-Americans, the fire chief, the police chief, the town manager, and 15 +/- other local folks. Lots of people commented on-line that they would have gone if they had known about it.  What worries me is, why did someone post the warning about out-of-towners?

  • Love 5
Love2dance

Love2dance

(edited)

We had a completely peaceful protest in my Southern California city this afternoon, organized and led by college and high school students. It was four hours long, began with a sit-in and then an approximately one mile march. They came about a block from our house and it looked like the majority had masks on, but all were way closer than six feet apart. Police were nearby, but did not interfere at all with the march. I was so proud of the students for their peaceful protest.

Edited by Love2dance
Clarity
  • Love 9
Oldernowiser

Oldernowiser

15 hours ago, Porkchop said:

My small town in Massachusetts had a small demonstration in memory of George Floyd this week. There was very little publicity ahead of time. I did see a Facebook comment that said out-of-towners were coming to town to make trouble, watch out for them. The actual event was photographed (80+ pictures on FB), and was attended by about two dozen people, including two local African-Americans, the fire chief, the police chief, the town manager, and 15 +/- other local folks. Lots of people commented on-line that they would have gone if they had known about it.  What worries me is, why did someone post the warning about out-of-towners?

To keep attendance low, I’m guessing. Sigh.

  • Useful 2
GeeGolly

GeeGolly

(edited)
15 hours ago, Porkchop said:

My small town in Massachusetts had a small demonstration in memory of George Floyd this week. There was very little publicity ahead of time. I did see a Facebook comment that said out-of-towners were coming to town to make trouble, watch out for them. The actual event was photographed (80+ pictures on FB), and was attended by about two dozen people, including two local African-Americans, the fire chief, the police chief, the town manager, and 15 +/- other local folks. Lots of people commented on-line that they would have gone if they had known about it.  What worries me is, why did someone post the warning about out-of-towners?

That sounds like a town I know. Very wealthy, very closed minded. They circumvent every regulation to still receive federal monies and remain "white".

Edited to add, not your town, a similar town.

Edited by GeeGolly
Scarlett45

Scarlett45

7 hours ago, Oldernowiser said:

I hope this doesn’t sound frivolous, but watching some of last night‘s protests that turned into giant dance parties:

  1. Warmed my cold cynical heart.
  2. Introduced me to the “Cupid Shuffle” 
  3. I plan to spend the day with it on repeat.

The Cupid Shuffle!!!! You knew the wedding or family reunion was in the thick of things when that came on. And then we would have to clear the floor for the elderly to do the electric slide. Such fun. 

  • Love 6
Love2dance

Love2dance

4 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

The Cupid Shuffle!!!! You knew the wedding or family reunion was in the thick of things when that came on. And then we would have to clear the floor for the elderly do do the electric slide. Such fun. 

Hey, I’m elderly and I love the electric slide AND the cupid shuffle.
I can’t WAIT to dance again!

  • Love 7
Chicklet

Chicklet

(edited)
1 hour ago, Oldernowiser said:

Elder? I’ll give you elder, my whippersnapper...who here remembers the line dance to Free Ride?

Free Ride had a line dance? You learn something new every day.

Love that song btw. All these commercials using music from the 60s and 70's is really a good trend.

Edited by Chicklet
  • Love 5
Scarlett45

Scarlett45

So they had a virtual zoom party for the residents at my Mom’s hospital, to celebrate the end of the year since the traditional party wasn’t happening. 
 

Someone hacked into the zoom party and sent hate messages, obscenities and racial slurs.

 

They had to end the zoom party. 
 

The residents have still graduated and we will have more Ob/Gyns in the world but it made my mom really sad for them. 

Chicklet

Chicklet

(edited)

This is why this country cannot have nice things.

Hopefully we are changing that.

My assistant is leaving to go to medical school this fall, either remotely or in person, they haven't decided yet. We are having cake and ice cream for him, at a 6 foot distance with masks. Should be fun huh? But it's better than nothing but sad as we give really good parties for departing staff.

Edited by Chicklet
  • Love 10
Jynnan tonnix

Jynnan tonnix

3 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

I have tried that so many times, but my uncoordinated self has never gotten it right. I usually disappear to the powder room then. I think I have a better chance of doing the Cupid shuffle. 

Aaaahhhh! My spirit animal!!! I thought I was the only one who avoided those things like the plague!

  • Love 7
crazycatlady58

crazycatlady58

1 hour ago, Scarlett45 said:

So they had a virtual zoom party for the residents at my Mom’s hospital, to celebrate the end of the year since the traditional party wasn’t happening. 
 

Someone hacked into the zoom party and sent hate messages, obscenities and racial slurs.

 

They had to end the zoom party. 
 

The residents have still graduated and we will have more Ob/Gyns in the world but it made my mom really sad for them. 

It breaks my heart to hear this. Why must people be do mean? 

  • Love 6
doodlebug

doodlebug

(edited)
2 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

So they had a virtual zoom party for the residents at my Mom’s hospital, to celebrate the end of the year since the traditional party wasn’t happening. 
 

Someone hacked into the zoom party and sent hate messages, obscenities and racial slurs.

 

They had to end the zoom party. 
 

The residents have still graduated and we will have more Ob/Gyns in the world but it made my mom really sad for them. 

That truly sucks, the absolute nastiness of some people is mind boggling.  We usually have a nice dinner followed by dancing (including the Cupid Shuffle usually) for the residents and fellows, too, but that has gone by the wayside, too.  We're zooming them out next week.

I am a terrible dancer, I've even taken lessons, but my feet are not attached to my brain properly and I can't even fake it.  However, I am perfectly able to do the Cupid Shuffle and the Electric Slide, probably due to my years of experience doing the Chicken Dance and Hokey Pokey at Polish weddings.  I find laughing at myself and not giving a dam* is very helpful, too.

When I was in college in the '70's and disco was all the rage; people took lessons to learn the Hustle and the Bus Stop among other line dances.  I couldn't do those right either.

Edited by doodlebug
  • Love 11
lookeyloo

lookeyloo

6 hours ago, Chicklet said:

I flunked out of dance in 2nd grade because I don't know my left from my right and I still don't and when I dance everyone is embarrassed, trust me. I want to dance but I didn't get the right genes for coordination and proprioception.  

Not to say I dance like Elaine Bennis but I try to avoid possibility for comparison.

This reminds me of zumba, which I did twice a week for the last few years until the quarantine.  I miss it.  In my mind I am "dancing" but if I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror it looks like I am fighting off an assailant!  So I stand behind someone.

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Scarlett45

Scarlett45

In other less serious news.....

 

And the conclusion from my adventure under the crawl space (I’ve owned this building over three years and had never been under there) is that: 

1. I don't have enough upper body strength to cut a pad lock with bolt cutters. (I took the door off the hinges and just put them back when I was done)

2. I found a reusable Walmart grocery bag, an old mattress, sofa cushion from the 70s (based on the pattern of the cushion) cardboard and spider webs.

3. Also access to the electrical system and a heating/cooling duct. I think I saw how the mouse could’ve gotten in the house this winter.

I will find someone with enough strength to get that lock off and put on a new one I bought with a proper key. 


But, for the first time in quarantine I my Mom was annoying the “you know what out of me”. She’s been freaking out about me investigating the crawl space, “you can’t crawl in there! I will pull you out, blah blah.” And then watched me like I was a toddler playing with the stove. 

I told her she was making me nervous!!!!

“Put your goggles on, where are your gloves” blah blah I swear on all that is holy. 

Yes I had goggles and gloves!

 

Its wonderful to be loved so much but hot damn she’s a lot to take sometimes. 

  • Love 15
magpye29

magpye29

Well, for all you elderly boomers out there, I dance like an elephant on romper stomper coffee cans!  I'm having a milestone birthday in a week or so, and it's been confusing the hell out of the receptionists at my various medical appointments because my age and the year of my birth are about to be the same (60).  I love to do the cupid shuffle and the cha cha slide.  

@Scarlett45, I'm sorry your mom's group got zoom-bombed.  I admire your trip into the crawl space--I doubt I could do that.  I have the only access to the attic space in my house--the ceiling in a closet is open.  My mom stuck her head up there when I moved in.  She could see a suitcase and I don't remember what else, and she wanted to know if I wanted her to bring that stuff out, but I said oh HELL no!

I've been very depressed lately. The news makes me physically ill.  As a white person from an extremely white Massachusetts small town (like 97% white), I feel so helpless and powerless.  I try to post things on my facebook account to keep pointing out the injustices I see because I don't know what else to do.  I'm kind of afraid to go to a protest because we've had some scuffles in the neighboring city.  I work in a school in the poorest neighborhood of that city, where over 60% of the kids are ELLs (English language learners whose first language is something else). An even higher percentage are people of color, and I can't imagine what my "babies" will face if our country doesn't change.  They are scared of what they're seeing and hearing on the news, and I'm scared for them.  

Being alone when I'm alone just amplifies everything for me.  Yes, my aunt lives downstairs and loves me more than she loves anyone else on earth, but that's not the same as having a partner--I feel like I'm not the most important person in the world to anyone.  My husband left me five years ago, and I haven't met anyone else, even though I'd like to be in a relationship again. My son loves me but he lives 1000 miles away, my daughter and her husband tolerate me, and I'm not close to my mother or my sister. Even though I have lots of friends and activities to keep me busy in normal times, these are not normal times.  If I'd been a pioneer woman, I probably would have killed myself from the isolation.  I've figured out I am not a person who could live for 60 days in one of those picturesque log cabins for $1 million. I'm used to being out of my house for 12-14 hours a day.  Much as I despise myself for it, I am one of those people bopping off to the grocery store or Walmart every few days, wearing one of my many masks or scarves, because I "need" milk or eggs or cat food.  This quarantine has really given me a new perspective on prison--I can't imagine how we came up with the idea that it's okay to lock people up in tiny rooms with no windows for 23 hours a day in solitary confinement.  As you can see, my thinking is kind of muddled, too.  I'm finding it hard to stay focused, and my schoolwork is suffering because my discussion board posts are less than organized.  

My daughter very kindly agreed to help me with a video project for work, and I bought dinner for her and her husband and we played games afterwards, but I came home and cried because the whole time I was there, it was a litany of "suggestions" of things I could do to change myself and criticisms of everything from the number of books I own (probably in the thousands) to how I "hid" my salt shaker to try to help bring my blood pressure down. (I shouldn't hide it; I should make conscious choices not to use it because otherwise I'm playing mind games with myself and not owning my choices, etc.)

So here's the question I have that has been weighing on me for this past week.  Please don't jump on me or rip me a new one, but just tell me what I should have said so I can know going forward.  I tend to watch the same movies over and over again because I use them as background noise, but once in a while, I'll watch something new because I'm too lazy to find the remote to change the channel.  So I told them I hadn't watched anything new except for a black chick movie (I meant to say chick flick)and started to describe it, but my daughter jumped all over me for how I labeled the movie.  Her husband did say he had just used the expression white chicks, but she wasn't having it. I felt so small and squirmy, which is an ongoing thing when I'm with them.  If I deserved to, I want to know what I should have said, because in all the finger-pointing and mom-shaming, my daughter never did tell me what I should have said.  I'm not terribly woke, but I'd like to be.  

I'm sorry this is all over the place.  I don't have anybody I can talk to about this.  Thanks for any enlightenment you can shine my way.

  • Love 3
Chicklet

Chicklet

(edited)

Magpye- I'm not a therapist but I play one at work and maybe you could take advantage of one of the online therapy offerings out there?  It's so freeing to talk to someone who doesn't have baggage that concerns you. ( I recommend therapy to everybody and I'm sure I annoy them). My own family and life situations have had me attend therapy many times  (I'm old), but I feel you on the family issue, only my brother, sister-in-law and their kids speak to me other than one cousin. And it might help you feel better. And when this interminable virus is over you might have more opportunities to do new things, meet new people.

 

Edited by Chicklet
  • Love 11
BetyBee

BetyBee

Magpye, it sounds like there is unfinished business b/w your daughter and you - and it may be her problem, btw. Maybe something she needs to work out. I find in situations like that, that  sometimes the best I can do is to react differently. An example: as he ages, my husband is getting so cranky and will start yelling about something, anything at any time. He is never yelling at me, but that's how it feels to me. I get very stressed about it, because it reminds me of when my Dad would start yelling when I was a kid. I just hate yelling! (btw, hubby had a stroke 6 years ago and that's basically when it started. He blames the stroke, but from what I hear about old men my friends are married to, it's not that unusual. Plus we are living in very stressful times, but I digress!) Anyway, the idea came to me to just walk away. I don't know why I never thought of it before. I just go into another room and close the door. It kind of drives him crazy, but it brings me peace of mind. He can yell if he wants to, but I choose not to be part of it. Maybe you could react differently when your daughter starts in on you. Maybe you could change the subject or leave or just say, "Look at the time! I better get going!" If you don't engage, you can't be the receptacle for her complaints, so it becomes something she has to deal with herself. If you choose to, you can discuss it when things are calmer. 

  • Love 14
Scarlett45

Scarlett45

7 hours ago, magpye29 said:

Being alone when I'm alone just amplifies everything for me.  Yes, my aunt lives downstairs and loves me more than she loves anyone else on earth, but that's not the same as having a partner--I feel like I'm not the most important person in the world to anyone.  My husband left me five years ago, and I haven't met anyone else, even though I'd like to be in a relationship again. My son loves me but he lives 1000 miles away, my daughter and her husband tolerate me, and I'm not close to my mother or my sister. Even though I have lots of friends and activities to keep me busy in normal times, these are not normal times.  If I'd been a pioneer woman, I probably would have killed myself from the isolation.  I've figured out I am not a person who could live for 60 days in one of those picturesque log cabins for $1 million. I'm used to being out of my house for 12-14 hours a day.  Much as I despise myself for it, I am one of those people bopping off to the grocery store or Walmart every few days, wearing one of my many masks or scarves, because I "need" milk or eggs or cat food.  This quarantine has really given me a new perspective on prison--I can't imagine how we came up with the idea that it's okay to lock people up in tiny rooms with no windows for 23 hours a day in solitary confinement.  As you can see, my thinking is kind of muddled, too.  I'm finding it hard to stay focused, and my schoolwork is suffering because my discussion board posts are less than organized.  

I certainly understand how you feel- this has been hard on single people. I’m not married or partnered (and trust, I have no desire to be), but not being able to see any of my friends in a “regular” way, or socialize for almost three months has been hard. 
 

I do have my Mom (she and my sister live downstairs) who is my favorite being on this earth, and my most important person- so I have seen a real live person who talks back and that’s been good (she’s been a trooper during this thing), but no we aren’t designed to only talk to one other person in person for months at a time. 

A cousin of mine was unjustly convinced of killing her abusive husband (back in the 1980s), and although she’s been out of prison longer than she was in she could not stay inside during the stay at home order.  So every day she took a drive and ran all the errands for her sisters house (making a little bubble between the two homes).

My bff and I had dinner at an outdoor restaurant on Friday and nothing has felt so good in a long time. 
 

Are things opening back up where you live? I know I will be WFH for a while but I will feel better now that I can meet a friend for an ice cream cone or a coffee or sit on a park. I am going to do a tie dye project with my god daughter (shes 5) and that’s going to be fun. 
 

I too echo the suggestions of trying some online therapy. Talking to someone that has no history with you or social expectations is good for you. 

  • Love 12
galaxychaser

galaxychaser

9 hours ago, magpye29 said:

Well, for all you elderly boomers out there, I dance like an elephant on romper stomper coffee cans!  I'm having a milestone birthday in a week or so, and it's been confusing the hell out of the receptionists at my various medical appointments because my age and the year of my birth are about to be the same (60).  I love to do the cupid shuffle and the cha cha slide.  

@Scarlett45, I'm sorry your mom's group got zoom-bombed.  I admire your trip into the crawl space--I doubt I could do that.  I have the only access to the attic space in my house--the ceiling in a closet is open.  My mom stuck her head up there when I moved in.  She could see a suitcase and I don't remember what else, and she wanted to know if I wanted her to bring that stuff out, but I said oh HELL no!

I've been very depressed lately. The news makes me physically ill.  As a white person from an extremely white Massachusetts small town (like 97% white), I feel so helpless and powerless.  I try to post things on my facebook account to keep pointing out the injustices I see because I don't know what else to do.  I'm kind of afraid to go to a protest because we've had some scuffles in the neighboring city.  I work in a school in the poorest neighborhood of that city, where over 60% of the kids are ELLs (English language learners whose first language is something else). An even higher percentage are people of color, and I can't imagine what my "babies" will face if our country doesn't change.  They are scared of what they're seeing and hearing on the news, and I'm scared for them.  

Being alone when I'm alone just amplifies everything for me.  Yes, my aunt lives downstairs and loves me more than she loves anyone else on earth, but that's not the same as having a partner--I feel like I'm not the most important person in the world to anyone.  My husband left me five years ago, and I haven't met anyone else, even though I'd like to be in a relationship again. My son loves me but he lives 1000 miles away, my daughter and her husband tolerate me, and I'm not close to my mother or my sister. Even though I have lots of friends and activities to keep me busy in normal times, these are not normal times.  If I'd been a pioneer woman, I probably would have killed myself from the isolation.  I've figured out I am not a person who could live for 60 days in one of those picturesque log cabins for $1 million. I'm used to being out of my house for 12-14 hours a day.  Much as I despise myself for it, I am one of those people bopping off to the grocery store or Walmart every few days, wearing one of my many masks or scarves, because I "need" milk or eggs or cat food.  This quarantine has really given me a new perspective on prison--I can't imagine how we came up with the idea that it's okay to lock people up in tiny rooms with no windows for 23 hours a day in solitary confinement.  As you can see, my thinking is kind of muddled, too.  I'm finding it hard to stay focused, and my schoolwork is suffering because my discussion board posts are less than organized.  

My daughter very kindly agreed to help me with a video project for work, and I bought dinner for her and her husband and we played games afterwards, but I came home and cried because the whole time I was there, it was a litany of "suggestions" of things I could do to change myself and criticisms of everything from the number of books I own (probably in the thousands) to how I "hid" my salt shaker to try to help bring my blood pressure down. (I shouldn't hide it; I should make conscious choices not to use it because otherwise I'm playing mind games with myself and not owning my choices, etc.)

So here's the question I have that has been weighing on me for this past week.  Please don't jump on me or rip me a new one, but just tell me what I should have said so I can know going forward.  I tend to watch the same movies over and over again because I use them as background noise, but once in a while, I'll watch something new because I'm too lazy to find the remote to change the channel.  So I told them I hadn't watched anything new except for a black chick movie (I meant to say chick flick)and started to describe it, but my daughter jumped all over me for how I labeled the movie.  Her husband did say he had just used the expression white chicks, but she wasn't having it. I felt so small and squirmy, which is an ongoing thing when I'm with them.  If I deserved to, I want to know what I should have said, because in all the finger-pointing and mom-shaming, my daughter never did tell me what I should have said.  I'm not terribly woke, but I'd like to be.  

I'm sorry this is all over the place.  I don't have anybody I can talk to about this.  Thanks for any enlightenment you can shine my way.

Sending you a big hug. I’m sorry your kid isn’t treating you right. 

  • Love 4
louannems

louannems

20 hours ago, Love2dance said:

Hey, I’m elderly and I love the electric slide AND the cupid shuffle.
I can’t WAIT to dance again!

I really can't dance but I'm good at line dancing.  I took it up immediately after retiring 5 years ago and it's the highlight of my week!

Line dancing is practically the only thing I'm missing during this quarantine.  My class is at the local senior activity center and it's not reopening any time soon.  And once it does, it'll be a long time till any type of dancing resumes there.

  • Love 7
magpye29

magpye29

3 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

Are things opening back up where you live? I know I will be WFH for a while but I will feel better now that I can meet a friend for an ice cream cone or a coffee or sit on a park. I am going to do a tie dye project with my god daughter (shes 5) and that’s going to be fun. 

Things are mostly open here in southeastern Massachusetts, but with weird little variations, like at church we can pray out loud but not sing.  Last week we had maybe 40 people at mass (the first week churches were open), but this week, there were about half as many people attending. Oddly, mass doesn't feel very fulfilling the way it is right now.  I go anyway because I'm a lector.  We're supposed to be in rotation to read at mass, but I keep getting called, and I'm already scheduled to read again next week--I got asked to read an hour before mass this morning, which was good because I NEED to go to mass.

We can get takeout at restaurants, but still can't sit down, and while we wait for our food, there is such an array of difference about where we go--some places have us wait in the car, some places give us one of those flash pads so we can come in when the buzzer and lights go off, the place I went to earlier this week had us all wait on a patio outside, and another place let us sit on stools across the breakfast bar.

I'm going to a friend's house for dinner on Wednesday, and we're going to walk over to another friend's house.  They're both in the play I'm directing which is currently postponed to October.  I used to hang back from going places for one reason or another (mostly feeling shy and unworthy), but I promised myself if we got through the quarantine I would accept every invitation that came my way.  This is the first and hopefully not the last.  I'm going to talk to my doctor on Monday if I can get her and ask her to adjust my antidepressants.  We just made changes in my insulin doses, so apparently that plays a part in what's going on in my head.  I'll also see if she can recommend a therapist who takes my insurance.

Tie dye sounds like fun--I miss chaperoning clubs and making jewelry with my friends's kids.  I'm dreading the summer a little because I won't have any income of my own.  I can manage on what my husband gives me, but there won't be anything for extras.  I've got some projects planned for summer.  I might be running some online theatre classes for kids through the theatre I volunteer at.  I expect to hear more about that at the zoom board meeting we're having on Tuesday.

Thanks everyone for the feed back and suggestions.  I am going to act on them.  I've got to stop wallowing in my own murky little brain.

  • Love 13
doodlebug

doodlebug

(edited)
15 minutes ago, magpye29 said:

Things are mostly open here in southeastern Massachusetts, but with weird little variations, like at church we can pray out loud but not sing.  Last week we had maybe 40 people at mass (the first week churches were open), but this week, there were about half as many people attending. Oddly, mass doesn't feel very fulfilling the way it is right now.  I go anyway because I'm a lector.  We're supposed to be in rotation to read at mass, but I keep getting called, and I'm already scheduled to read again next week--I got asked to read an hour before mass this morning, which was good because I NEED to go to mass.

Second week back at Mass, here, too.  Last week, we were allowed to sing.  This week, the pastor said they got word that we were not going to sing because it spreads viruses more easily.  The person who leads the songs at Mass was there, though, and she sang some parts.  The attendance looked to be a little higher this week.  The estimate last week was 125, maybe 150 today.  Mass still livestreamed, though and the Bishop has waived required attendance.

I'm sorry your daughter is so hard on you.  You could try talking to her about it privately, but that might open a whole other can of worms.  My mother was a difficult woman, all of us kids had our problems with her.  I tried to talk to her about it a couple of times but she shut it down immediately.  My mom was in poor health at the time.  I went to a therapist about that and some other stuff that was nagging at me.  I told her about my relationship with my mom, how I wished I could be my real self with her and not worry about her cutting me down.  The therapist, God love her, told me that not every relationship can be perfect.  That sometimes we have to accept that we are never going to have that perfect Hallmark moment of understanding with someone and that it is sometimes better to let go of the idea than to struggle with something that you cannot fix by yourself.  It helped me a lot, I let a lot of anger and resentment go and had a better relationship with my mom afterwards.  Not the relationship I'd dreamed of, by no means perfect, but better.

Edited by doodlebug
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lookeyloo

lookeyloo

1 hour ago, doodlebug said:

Second week back at Mass, here, too.  Last week, we were allowed to sing.  This week, the pastor said they got word that we were not going to sing because it spreads viruses more easily.  The person who leads the songs at Mass was there, though, and she sang some parts.  The attendance looked to be a little higher this week.  The estimate last week was 125, maybe 150 today.  Mass still livestreamed, though and the Bishop has waived required attendance.

I'm sorry your daughter is so hard on you.  You could try talking to her about it privately, but that might open a whole other can of worms.  My mother was a difficult woman, all of us kids had our problems with her.  I tried to talk to her about it a couple of times but she shut it down immediately.  My mom was in poor health at the time.  I went to a therapist about that and some other stuff that was nagging at me.  I told her about my relationship with my mom, how I wished I could be my real self with her and not worry about her cutting me down.  The therapist, God love her, told me that not every relationship can be perfect.  That sometimes we have to accept that we are never going to have that perfect Hallmark moment of understanding with someone and that it is sometimes better to let go of the idea than to struggle with something that you cannot fix by yourself.  It helped me a lot, I let a lot of anger and resentment go and had a better relationship with my mom afterwards.  Not the relationship I'd dreamed of, by no means perfect, but better.

Agree with your therapist.  Came to similar terms with relationship with father, just gave up on "daddy" and let everything else go.  He did love my children so that part is good.  There were no hard feelings at the end and I'm glad I don't have regrets.

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fonfereksglen

fonfereksglen

(edited)
2 hours ago, doodlebug said:

Second week back at Mass, here, too.  Last week, we were allowed to sing.  This week, the pastor said they got word that we were not going to sing because it spreads viruses more easily.  The person who leads the songs at Mass was there, though, and she sang some parts.  The attendance looked to be a little higher this week.  The estimate last week was 125, maybe 150 today.  Mass still livestreamed, though and the Bishop has waived required attendance.

I'm sorry your daughter is so hard on you.  You could try talking to her about it privately, but that might open a whole other can of worms.  My mother was a difficult woman, all of us kids had our problems with her.  I tried to talk to her about it a couple of times but she shut it down immediately.  My mom was in poor health at the time.  I went to a therapist about that and some other stuff that was nagging at me.  I told her about my relationship with my mom, how I wished I could be my real self with her and not worry about her cutting me down.  The therapist, God love her, told me that not every relationship can be perfect.  That sometimes we have to accept that we are never going to have that perfect Hallmark moment of understanding with someone and that it is sometimes better to let go of the idea than to struggle with something that you cannot fix by yourself.  It helped me a lot, I let a lot of anger and resentment go and had a better relationship with my mom afterwards.  Not the relationship I'd dreamed of, by no means perfect, but better.

The book .... Will I Ever Be Good Enough?  Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers written by Karyl McBride continues to be life altering.  Not an I hate my mother book,  but a therapist helping explain why we react the way we do in all aspects of our personal and professional lives because of what happened growing up female in a dysfunctional family.   Brilliant book.

Edited by fonfereksglen
Music major not good at spelling!
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Suzn

Suzn

(edited)
16 hours ago, magpye29 said:

Well, for all you elderly boomers out there, I dance like an elephant on romper stomper coffee cans!  I'm having a milestone birthday in a week or so, and it's been confusing the hell out of the receptionists at my various medical appointments because my age and the year of my birth are about to be the same (60).  I love to do the cupid shuffle and the cha cha slide.  

@Scarlett45, I'm sorry your mom's group got zoom-bombed.  I admire your trip into the crawl space--I doubt I could do that.  I have the only access to the attic space in my house--the ceiling in a closet is open.  My mom stuck her head up there when I moved in.  She could see a suitcase and I don't remember what else, and she wanted to know if I wanted her to bring that stuff out, but I said oh HELL no!

I've been very depressed lately. The news makes me physically ill.  As a white person from an extremely white Massachusetts small town (like 97% white), I feel so helpless and powerless.  I try to post things on my facebook account to keep pointing out the injustices I see because I don't know what else to do.  I'm kind of afraid to go to a protest because we've had some scuffles in the neighboring city.  I work in a school in the poorest neighborhood of that city, where over 60% of the kids are ELLs (English language learners whose first language is something else). An even higher percentage are people of color, and I can't imagine what my "babies" will face if our country doesn't change.  They are scared of what they're seeing and hearing on the news, and I'm scared for them.  

Being alone when I'm alone just amplifies everything for me.  Yes, my aunt lives downstairs and loves me more than she loves anyone else on earth, but that's not the same as having a partner--I feel like I'm not the most important person in the world to anyone.  My husband left me five years ago, and I haven't met anyone else, even though I'd like to be in a relationship again. My son loves me but he lives 1000 miles away, my daughter and her husband tolerate me, and I'm not close to my mother or my sister. Even though I have lots of friends and activities to keep me busy in normal times, these are not normal times.  If I'd been a pioneer woman, I probably would have killed myself from the isolation.  I've figured out I am not a person who could live for 60 days in one of those picturesque log cabins for $1 million. I'm used to being out of my house for 12-14 hours a day.  Much as I despise myself for it, I am one of those people bopping off to the grocery store or Walmart every few days, wearing one of my many masks or scarves, because I "need" milk or eggs or cat food.  This quarantine has really given me a new perspective on prison--I can't imagine how we came up with the idea that it's okay to lock people up in tiny rooms with no windows for 23 hours a day in solitary confinement.  As you can see, my thinking is kind of muddled, too.  I'm finding it hard to stay focused, and my schoolwork is suffering because my discussion board posts are less than organized.  

My daughter very kindly agreed to help me with a video project for work, and I bought dinner for her and her husband and we played games afterwards, but I came home and cried because the whole time I was there, it was a litany of "suggestions" of things I could do to change myself and criticisms of everything from the number of books I own (probably in the thousands) to how I "hid" my salt shaker to try to help bring my blood pressure down. (I shouldn't hide it; I should make conscious choices not to use it because otherwise I'm playing mind games with myself and not owning my choices, etc.)

So here's the question I have that has been weighing on me for this past week.  Please don't jump on me or rip me a new one, but just tell me what I should have said so I can know going forward.  I tend to watch the same movies over and over again because I use them as background noise, but once in a while, I'll watch something new because I'm too lazy to find the remote to change the channel.  So I told them I hadn't watched anything new except for a black chick movie (I meant to say chick flick)and started to describe it, but my daughter jumped all over me for how I labeled the movie.  Her husband did say he had just used the expression white chicks, but she wasn't having it. I felt so small and squirmy, which is an ongoing thing when I'm with them.  If I deserved to, I want to know what I should have said, because in all the finger-pointing and mom-shaming, my daughter never did tell me what I should have said.  I'm not terribly woke, but I'd like to be.  

I'm sorry this is all over the place.  I don't have anybody I can talk to about this.  Thanks for any enlightenment you can shine my way.

Before I read other people's advice to you, I want to say that you do not need to change yourself for anyone. And unasked for advice is worth what you pay for it.  I think you can just tell your daughter that you are not looking for advice.  "Thanks, but your advice just makes me feel bad about myself and is not helpful."  I think there is no reason not to be blunt with those who tell you what to do and how to change.  You can give yourself permission to protect yourself from hurtful things.

These are hard times for most of us and at the very least we can allow ourselves to do what makes us feel better.  We don't need to live up to some other's ideals.  We can't fix the world, we can only do the best with whatever opportunity to help others and to help ourselves get through the current ordeals.  Be gentle with yourself.

Edited by Suzn
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Absolom

Absolom

Sometimes we have to tell our adult children that we appreciate their concern, but x, y, z is not really helping.  Or laugh and go I'm not senile yet, I can still a, b, c on my own.  Another thing I tell mine is that I haven't lost your phone numbers, if I need help/advice I know where you are.  It helps to be as light hearted and cheerful as possible when doing it so they don't get offended.  Sometimes they might be right that something would be helpful or half helpful and it's good to acknowledge that you'll think about something.  If it's carping for the sake of carping, then I usually take a potty break or change the subject.  Think about how the daughter takes suggestions and corrections.  Return the favor unless it's rude or going to cause a fight.

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Scarlett45
Message added by Scarlett45

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