Small Talk: The Prayer Closet

[MORGANH]

I second that @MunichNark.  I stopped making traditional New Year’s resolutions a while ago.  Instead I claim the new year for good things to come with the following:

Stand up for myself when I normally let hurtful and disappointing comments slide

Say “no” when necessary (and keep practicing )

Check in with and support my friends that all but carried me through this last terrible year

Set boundaries and keep them with those that take advantage 

Voice my opinion with those family members that don’t respect mine and try to use me as a doormat that agrees to everything 

Continue to ignore the passive aggressive games used by family to control me or make me feel bad about myself 

Continue to cultivate the beautiful relationship with my teenage daughter throughout all of this. I am so lucky that she remains relatively unharmed from the emotional abuse I have experienced for the past 47 years.  Although she has seen plenty. This year I realized she appointed herself as my defender. My heart breaks that she feels the need to do that.

I look forward to 2018 because 2017 was a year of intense introspection and therapy for me. I was able to put a name to the abuses. Narcissist, psychopath and an emotional abuser. I always thought it was me. Now I know it is them.

The loss of my beloved father in late 2016 turned everything upside down and exposed many things about my family’s behavior that I never realized.  He loved me, thanked me for caring for him and accepted me for who I am. He had a way of standing up when I entered a room and everyone else disappeared.  He was gone in seconds . One minute healthy, The next second gone. I find great comfort knowing that he didn’t suffer. Side note, my mother gave away all of his clothing before I could keep his favorite sweaters. The ones he hugged me with.  She was angry with me for being upset and called me strange. This was after I had to go through his papers and gather all items needed for his services and dealing with his estate. She had no part in that. I only found out about the clothes when I did their taxes. She found some random coat of his the next day and told me she couldn’t sleep all night. She wanted to know if she was absolved. The nice part of me said yes but I’m still devastated. Of course she had to end with she’ll have to clear what she donates because I’m so weird.

 I am now in survivor mode. The rug is back under me again. I’m quietly making plans to begin a new life as as soon as the time is right. I’m prepared, I’ve done my research and I have powerful confidential allies ready to go.

I’ve grown stronger enough for my husband to say” you’ve changed.” He said he didn’t like it. When I asked him if it was that I was asserting myself and no longer a doormat, it stopped him in his tracks. He couldn’t even speak.

Therapy has been a godsend . It started out as going for grief after losing my dad, my best friend. Then it morphed into my childhood and lack of nurture and my emotionally abusive marriage.

Ok, long post, but I wish everyone a year free from pain, full recovery from ailments, and full of love.

I’m ready for 2018 and more growth. It may take a little while to complete my plan. My daughter has asked me (us) if we can leave him. I explained that if we do now, she would have to be part of the custody agreement and would have to spend time with him. She said no way, she would wait until she is 18 which is not long off.  She is ok. But if she wasn’t, we’d be gone.

I noticed this year when he couldn’t push my buttons anymore that he turned his emotional games on her. But she ignores him. He stopped and then complained to me non stop about her and her rudeness, etc.  He’ll never see the beautiful, caring, sweet, loyal girl that we have. She doesn’t do drugs, drink, or be persuaded to fit in by doing things to try to be accepted .  She is a great judge of character and is comfortable with who she is.  We have open conversations about sex, drugs and drinking . She has lots of questions and I relish these talks. He really missed the boat by ignoring her until the last few years although he is convinced he has always been involved.  

He recently said that there was something missing from our marriage (duh) and wanted to know how we fix it. In the past, that talk scared me and I would have given into anything he wanted and taken the blame. This time I said “I don’t know how to fix it”.  I had no answers for him. Then he suggested couples counseling. So, I set it up with a different  therapist. My personal therapist thinks he will last one session. I think he expected me to say no because he conveniently forgets important events that are critical to our issues.  He mentioned counseling once before and I gave him a preview of what I had issues with. He had very little memory of these things. I set the appointment and now he is Mr Wonderful. I really don’t think he thought I would follow through.  He really is all talk sometimes.  Nice guy now though,helpful, etc... I’m used to the silent treatments and mood swings but this must be wearing him out .  He’s been acting great for a month. The most I’ve ever seen is a week. That only means the angry phase is coming.

Ok-enough of me. Here’s to 2018!  Here’s To recovery all around!  And here’s to standing up for you and your loved ones!!

Thank you again for your support this year 

ok-maybe one resolution...shorter posts?

[ginger90]

https://www.gofundme.com/LeenaSheppardsFightFund

I have never done this before and doing it in the Duggar thread, I admit isn’t my first choice! Words of encouragement are really needed. That’s all I am requesting. I grew up with Nicole’s mother. This family has been through a lot. My friend passed away a few years ago after a horrendous battle with what started out as breast cancer. Any way....... names don’t have to be used to just leave a message. Thanks.

[MORGANH]

On 12/25/2017 at 1:03 AM, Sew Sumi said:

Love and FF hugs to all in our little community. 

Me? Severe panic attack tonight, and I can't sleep. I doubt I'm going anywhere tomorrow. Which, in all truth, is why I was panicking in the first place. 

Merry Christmas if that's your thing. Me? I'll likely be home alone with a hot cuppa tea and some Christmas ham. 

I am so very sorry about your panic attack!  I hope you have recovered.  I’ve found this board to be my late night feel good therapy. Here’s to a fabulous 2018 (((hugs)))

[EVS]

Wishing you all a happy and healthy new year!

[ginger90]

Happy New Year !

[Catfin]

Happy New Year! 

[emma675]

Happy new year, y'all! It's freaking freezing here today but the sun is out for the first time in over a week, yay.

[Temperance]

Happy New Year!

(I admit I don't have high hopes for the year, but let's hope and pray things go better.)

[zenme]

emma675, same here! I'm in DFW area. Beautiful day! Chilly, but sunny!

[bigskygirl]

1 hour ago, emma675 said:

Happy new year, y'all! It's freaking freezing here today but the sun is out for the first time in over a week, yay.

We have been below zero the last few days with record snow fall. The snow last week topped the total amount for all 2016 winter. It is suppose warm up by the end of the week. Should be fun when the snow melts during the day refreezes at night. The joys of winter in Montana.

Edited January 1, 2018 by bigskygirl

[Catfin]

Happy New Year! Looking forward to 2018.  Currently -14F wind chill here. DH is replacing broken garage door opener and we both have bronchitis. Woo hoo! Looking forward to getting back on a normal work schedule, although tomorrow is a bit iffy. I'm barking like a seal and I doubt my office mates would appreciate that. 

[Catlyn]

2 hours ago, bigskygirl said:

4 hours ago, emma675 said:

Happy new year, y'all! It's freaking freezing here today but the sun is out for the first time in over a week, yay.

We have been below zero the last few days with record snow fall. The snow last week topped the total amount for all 2016 winter. It is suppose warm up by the end of the week. Should be fun when the snow melts during the day refreezes at night. The joys of winter in Montana

One reason I refuse to move above the Mason-Dixon line. My relatives in Michigan and Minnesota may laugh, but there we are. We are not supposed to get into the forties until Monday: we'll have a heatwave!  I hope happiness for everyone in 2018!

[ChiCricket]

Happy New Year everyone!! I am so grateful for you all.

I am so glad the holidays are over.

I.am.pooped.and.broke. ;)

 But I had a wonderful time with 4 of my 5 kids and 10 of my 13 grands.

My other kid and my other 3 grands are feeling no pain, they are on their live on sailboat in the Bahamas. I missed them a lot though. :)

   I am dreading taking down my (fake) christmas tree and all the inside and outside decorations, but can't stand looking at them anymore either.

   I might just pretend they're not there and leave everything up, until next year ;-) Especially the outdoors stuff (it's -3° outside right now.)

[zoomama]

and again, i sit here in shorts with a fan blowing on me!   as much as i want to live elsewhere, i guess southern cali has its advantages. did you all watch the parade today? that last float (i think last) of the mission inn resort was made local to me. been to that place -- its amazing.   

 

as for christmas decor, took the tree down  on dec 27 and still have outside lights hanging. they will be removed when my son, who is currently on babywatch at his house, has time to help out. 

[kokapetl]

On 30/12/2017 at 0:55 AM, Marigold said:

The instructor is 50 and it is her studio.  

 

My daughter is very unhappy. She complains constantly about the other girls. I do think my daughter is sensitive but on the other hand, girls shouldn't be snide on the dance floor. i think there should be no talking at all, let alone snide comments.  Basically, shut up and dance.  :)

My fear is that we cut ties with this studio (I have a large family so i have to pull out all my girls) and move to another studio AND it happens there! I suspect this mean girl crap is all over but what I don't understand is why the adults don't shut it down?????  And WHY would an instructor laugh at other students when they are not around?  My daughter hates to miss class because she is afraid of getting shredding when she is not there.  I have no idea what they can even say because my daughter is quiet and a normal kid...I know, i know, they always find something to pick on. 

 

This is not normal, right?  I'm not crazy, right? 

It bugs the shit outta me that I pay a lot of money for dance and I'm getting nothing but headaches with this lately.  The other moms are decent people too. Very caring people.  I suspect they have no clue or this is acceptable in teen world and my expectations are too high? 

 

Thanks for the feedback.  :)

I can see why your daughter might find the atmosphere unpleasant and is uncomfortable, but it doesn’t seem to be personal. What exactly do they say? 

How do your other daughters feel about the owner? 

You anticipate problems for your other daughters at the dance studio if your unhappy daughter trained somewhere else. Is that normal for dance studios?

[Marigold]

15 hours ago, Kokapetl said:

I can see why your daughter might find the atmosphere unpleasant and is uncomfortable, but it doesn’t seem to be personal. What exactly do they say? 

They comment on her dancing, which is silly, because she typically scores very high at competitions and scores higher than the other girls so I wonder if there is a bit of jealousy going on there.  She is a good dancer and enjoys dancing; the other girls are there because their mothers make them dance. So, they are miserable during class because they just want to go home. They say it repeatedly to the instructor, their mother and anyone who will listen.  So, they are probably just bored. 

The only other thing that I can see is that many of the girls post dirty stuff on social media and goof around a lot about it on snapchat, group chats etc.  My daughter chooses not to participate in that stuff.  She knows not to post any sexy anything on social media/texts and that is just not her style anyway.  Maybe they perceive that as goodie-goodie?  I never thought of that...hmmm...

My other girls are younger so they aren't in that awful teen girl scene yet. 

How do your other daughters feel about the owner?

My other girls like the owner as an instructor but they don't like the gossip and comments about other girls.  

You anticipate problems for your other daughters at the dance studio if your unhappy daughter trained somewhere else. Is that normal for dance studios?

I don't know! This owner will make comments about other girls who have changed studios and talk badly about them. I can't imagine moving my one daughter and not having to move the others. Way too awkward! 

[EVS]

@Marigold, I do not have children who dance, but I do have a son who played AAU basketball for many years. When he made his first travel team at age 11, a competitive team where the kids were way more experienced and many had played together for years, the coach left just 2 weeks later for a professional coaching opportunity.  I was really nervous about him leaving. We are not an athletic family and none of the rest of us played sports so I had no idea what to expect and now I was worried about a new coach who might not see my son’s potential and raw talent, the way this coach did. The coach said something to me that I never forgot. 

He said he knew the new coach. He said to trust him and the director, that they would do right by my son and develop him into an excellent player.

And they did. I soon realized that they really did have his best interests at heart. When that second coach left after 3 years, the new coach listened to an a gossipy parent he already knew and began treating my son unfairly, but at least I knew that the director and the other coaches in the program had my son’s back. (There had been a problem with this parent’s son starting to treat some kids, including my son, badly the previous season and the old coach immediately shut the kid down loudly and decisively in front of the whole team and several parents.) I found myself repeating the original coach’s words to myself many times as my heart broke for my son. Again, I never doubted the director would protect my son and that I could go to him with my concerns.  Fortunately I never had to. After just a couple tournaments, my son more than proved himself and the coach began to appreciate him. The gossipy parent and child left under negative circumstances and my son had his best season ever and developed a strong bond with that coach. I think that coach learned an important lesson too. 

Sorry for the long post. My point is that, honestly, I don’t think I could have left my son in a program if I didn’t have that complete trust in the coaches and the director or the knowledge that they truly cared about my son. My son is now in college and still has a passion and love of the sport that I don’t think he would still have under different circumstances.  (Sadly, he can no longer play due to a serious injury.) If you watch the show Dance Moms, you know that a bad coach can hurt a child’s passion and spirit.  My personal opinion is that I would look for a different studio with instructors and an owner you can trust. Please keep us posted. Whatever you decide, I hope things work out for your daughter and the rest of your children who dance.  

Edited January 2, 2018 by EVS

[Absolom]

Always remember that you are paying for the service and helping keep the woman in business.  Do you really want to be paying her to gossip about your kid?

Personally I'd walk and take all my kids and not think twice about it.  But then, I have done that.  I won't give money to people to mistreat children - mine or anyone else's.

[Marigold]

Thanks @Absolom  @EVS, @Kokapetl

I appreciate your input. 

 @EVS, you are right.  All this nonsense has really ruined dance for my daughter and now we are starting to argue over it because I'm getting a little tired of the complaining. (I'm only human). 

The problems are outweighing the joys at this point.  Over freaking dance, which is supposed to be fun!  We are not a sports family either and dance just sorta happened by accident; it seemed like a cool thing and never ever thought she would be a competitive dancer. I'm still shocked my daughter can dance!  I'm a clutz and grew up IFB, with no dancing ever!  (hahaha).  I'm stunned when she wins! 

 

Thank you for the reality check.  This really isn't appropriate for a dance studio.  I just needed to hear someone validate what I already knew, I guess. 

[Marigold]

Blizzard conditions here!  Hoping we keep power!

Anyone else? 

[Jynnan tonnix]

30 minutes ago, Marigold said:

Blizzard conditions here!  Hoping we keep power!

Anyone else? 

Blizzarding here as well...our neck of the woods actually has a very good record as being one of the best towns in the states far as not losing power/getting it back quickly if we do. Our power company is a local co-op, so we don't have to depend on the same company which serves the rest of the state to get us back after an outage. Hoping for the best, but in any case, we have a wood stove, and our kitchen stove, as well as two additional fireplaces work off propane. There's also a fridge and freezer full of food which will be perfectly fine out on the porch if we lose power for any length of time, so other than possibly water (which I have a good amount of as well - not to mention all the snow! LOL), I should be all set here.

[frenchtoast]

Blizzard here, too. My back window is partially caked and I can barely see the backyard. We still have power but we have a generator if/when we lose power. It normally takes a long time to restore power here, so I'm hoping that we don't lose power. I did hit the store yesterday morning and picked up milk. I hadn't been to the grocery store since NYE, so I needed some things. It was more crowded at 10 am than it normally is. When I went back because I forgot to pick up a prescription, the lines were huge. So glad I could avoid it just picking up the Rx, though. Dogs are curled up against me and we're just watching Jim Cantore in all his excitement. (Hubby is suggesting we watch Punisher instead.)

[amitville]

Blizzard Conditions and howling wind. 

[bigskygirl]

Helena and surrounding area in winter time:

We had crazy weather last week. All the snow from last week totaled the amount we received all of last winter. Parts of the state are still dealing with blowing and drifting snow. Helena area has a temperature inversion which means the cold air sticks around due to the air pollution. Not fun. The roads are still bad in some areas. I could put on a pair of ice skates to move around better especially on the side streets. I cannot wait to drive to the dentist office tomorrow morning near the hospital. I hope they have been plowing and sanding since there are hills in the area.

[zoomama]

4 minutes ago, bigskygirl said:

Helena and surrounding area in winter time:

We had crazy weather last week. All the snow from last week totaled the amount we received all of last winter. Parts of the state are still dealing with blowing and drifting snow. Helena area has a temperature inversion which means the cold air sticks around due to the air pollution. Not fun. The roads are still bad in some areas. I could put on a pair of ice skates to move around better especially on the side streets. I cannot wait to drive to the dentist office tomorrow morning near the hospital. I hope they have been plowing and sanding since there are hills in the area.

wow - that is stunning, bigskygirl. i cannot fathom living in such weather (cali all my life) .  i am surprised that i dont see more smoking chimneys.  

[Arwen Evenstar]

48 minutes ago, frenchtoast said:

Jim Cantore in all his excitement. (Hubby is suggesting we watch Punisher instead.)

That dude must positively be orgasmic at being present for this weather event. I might just have to tune in as there’s nothing  good on TV.

[Marigold]

@bigskygirl

I love it!  I love the cold weather.  i would move in two seconds.  

 

My power is still ON!!!!!!!!  Hoping...hoping....  We loose water with a power outage. 

[Jynnan tonnix]

5 minutes ago, Marigold said:

@bigskygirl

I love it!  I love the cold weather.  i would move in two seconds.  

 

My power is still ON!!!!!!!!  Hoping...hoping....  We loose water with a power outage. 

I love cold weather as well, but I like living in New England, so probably wouldn't move to Montana on a whim. Still, I did find North Dakota surprisingly likeable while visiting my son there when he was in college, so who knows. There is something really appealing about the vast stretches of nothingness :)

[Sew Sumi]

I haven't seen snow in person since 2004, and that didn't even stick to the ground. *ducks for cover* 

The winds look brutal. Hope everyone retains power and stays warm. FF hugs from drippy NoCal. 

eta: We had a little shaker last night around 2:30. It was sharp enough to wake me up, but it didn't knock anything over. Ho hum, went right back to sleep once I checked on the kitties. 

Edited January 4, 2018 by Sew Sumi

[ginger90]

My old bones are chilled! That’s all, carry on !

[zoomama]

38 minutes ago, Sew Sumi said:

 

eta: We had a little shaker last night around 2:30. It was sharp enough to wake me up, but it didn't knock anything over. Ho hum, went right back to sleep once I checked on the kitties. 

you are the first person i have heard comment on that earthquake. i have 'people' up in your neck of the woods and got not a single mention of it.  

[Sew Sumi]

I totally forgot about it when I woke up this morning! USGS says it a 4.4. I don't think it was anywhere close to that, especially being pretty close to the epicenter. 

[magpye29]

Hello from frosty New England!  I am loving having a snow day, even though it means no pay.  I'm also hoping for another one tomorrow.  I've done three loads of laundry, roasted a turkey, and made a crockpot of beef barley soup.  Now I can eat my way through the weekend--but I'm planning to put some of this food in the freezer for school lunches--I like grab and go type meals because I like to sleep until the very last minute possible in the morning.  Now if we can just get shoveled out in time for rehearsal tomorrow--my play opens next Thursday and we only have a few rehearsals left!

[jcbrown]

4 hours ago, Sew Sumi said:

eta: We had a little shaker last night around 2:30. It was sharp enough to wake me up, but it didn't knock anything over. Ho hum, went right back to sleep once I checked on the kitties. 

Woke me up, too, and I'm in the South Bay. We had another much smaller one much closer to me about an hour later--slept right through that one.

[CalicoKitty]

3 hours ago, jcbrown said:

Woke me up, too, and I'm in the South Bay. We had another much smaller one much closer to me about an hour later--slept right through that one.

Felt nothing here near Lodi.  Head about it on the news this morning, though.

[Love2dance]

Feeling a little guilty in Southern California.......70 degrees today. (Lucky us, @zoomama.)

[Marshmallow Mollie]

We got six inches of snow which is probably a record of some kind. My kids are having a blast!

[Marigold]

We got slammed here (outside NYC).  My desk faces my backyard and it is gorgeous.  I love the snow and the cold. 

So relieved our power stayed on. Maybe they actually fixed and improved things after Super Storm Sandy? Doubtful but the power is on!

[Almost 3000]

11 hours ago, Love2dance said:

Feeling a little guilty in Southern California.......70 degrees today. (Lucky us, @zoomama.)

So CA here too and I was just out walking the dog and spoke with a neighbor about it being an unexpected 80degrees yesterday. Last night I walked after dark and the lighted tennis courts across the street were filled with players. But this is also the first week that I haven't seen smoke from the Thomson fire and many of the hillside ancient oak trees are dying because of the draught, so there's that.

[Absolom]

I'm kind of holding my breath that the rain expected next week actually gets here.

Edited January 5, 2018 by Absolom

[louannems]

Rain?

[Arwen Evenstar]

Houston is supposed to be in the 70s by the weekend. We’ll enjoy a relatively balmy week until we’re back in the 40s again. Not complaining. We’ll take it!  The cold messes with my neuropathy. 

[Love2dance]

1 hour ago, louannems said:

Rain?

Our forecast says 80% chance of rain on Monday, and 100% on Tuesday in Southern California. We sure can use it.

[bigskygirl]

Survive driving to the dentist office this morning. The streets near the hospital and dentist office were bad with a capital B. My periodontal disease is better, and it looks like I am healing. No shots to numb my mouth, a little discomfort, but not a bad experience overall. My jaw is bothering me a little, but not as bad as when I first went to the dentist two years ago. My eye doctor's husband is my dentist and his sister is my dental hygienist. Keeping it in the family.

[Arwen Evenstar]

I used to look forward to a bit of chilly weather until chemo caused my neuropathy.  It had been improving since I’m no longer on Taxol, but I’ve only been off it two months. I’m praying the Avastin does the job, so I never have to deal the chemo again. If I ever do, I hope by then they have other treatments that don’t have such far reaching side effects. My once warned me that the cold would make it worse.  My feeties are tingling under 2 blankets. ??

Somehow, I managed to end up with “the crud” as we call it in Texas. We have epidemic flu and nasty colds going around.  I’m on antibiotics and slinging snot, but on the mend. Too many late nights completing my continuing education and getting ready for the holidays put me over the top.  It caused my Avastin treatment to be postponed for a week. I was glad not be messed with. Avastin doesn’t necessarily lower your counts, but it can make you more tired. Any sickness can be very lowering.  And, I could have gotten other people feeling worse sick and complicated them.

Other than that, feeling way better.  Looks like I might have a scan mid February, but I’ll keep you all posted.

[bigskygirl]

2 minutes ago, Arwen Evenstar said:

I used to look forward to a bit of chilly weather until chemo caused my neuropathy.  It had been improving since I’m no longer on Taxol, but I’ve only been off it two months. I’m praying the Avastin does the job, so I never have to deal the chemo again. If I ever do, I hope by then they have other treatments that don’t have such far reaching side effects. My once warned me that the cold would make it worse.  My feeties are tingling under 2 blankets. ??

Somehow, I managed to end up with “the crud” as we call it in Texas. We have epidemic flu and nasty colds going around.  I’m on antibiotics and slinging snot, but on the mend. Too many late nights completing my continuing education and getting ready for the holidays put me over the top.  It caused my Avastin treatment to be postponed for a week. I was glad not be messed with. Avastin doesn’t necessarily lower your counts, but it can make you more tired. Any sickness can be very lowering.  And, I could have gotten other people feeling worse sick and complicated them.

Other than that, feeling way better.  Looks like I might have a scan mid February, but I’ll keep you all posted.

{{{HUGS}}} The flu and cold are going around here too. So far no flu or cold, but my sinuses are acting up due the air inversion/air pollution. Patiently waiting for spring to arrive.

[CherryMalotte]

Ugh, the creeping crud...I've been lucky so far and haven't dealt with it yet.  

Have to take my dna donor to the VA today for some CT scan, nothing like going out, warming your car up for half hour, then picking him up, driving for over an hour, dropping him off and then fighting for a parking spot - high today being 9 or 10 degrees.  I am not looking forward to this, and by the time we leave it's going to be dark, and I hate highway driving at night.  This is a 4pm appointment, so I know we'll wait an hour at least before he's called back, so it's a full two hour or more fun fest.  Great start to my weekend, whoooo hooooo!

Oh well - there are worse things...like having teeth pulled, or cleaning an outhouse, or being a Duggar.  Happy New Year to all of us! 

[Arwen Evenstar]

4 minutes ago, bigskygirl said:

{{{HUGS}}} The flu and cold are going around here too. So far no flu or cold, but my sinuses are acting up due the air inversion/air pollution. Patiently waiting for spring to arrive.

Hugs to you, too. Glad your dentist appointment wasn’t as awful as you had been dreading it to be.  I wouldn’t mind a few pretty snowfalls a year, but most areas of the country can keep their ice storms and subzero temps.   Brrrrrrrrr. Can only imagine WHY you can’t wait for spring. Montana is a beautiful state in the summertime.

[bigskygirl]

The snow is beautiful to look at, but shoveling it, walking on it, or driving on it can push a person's buttons at times. *lol* I can take the snow over ice or freezing rain. Montana can be beautiful anytime of year even with the dreaded snow, closed highways, warnings not to drive or go outside, and being cooped up inside due to the weather.

[Arwen Evenstar]

Exactly, my wish for a few pretty snowfalls certainly included not having to shovel itor being snowed in for days on end.?