Small Talk: The Prayer Closet

[lookeyloo]

Thank you all.  My mom had said on Monday that she just couldn't mount another fight (go through transition and rehab) and asked to be moved to a single room in a hospice.  There was some back and forth through the week but we found a bed for her on Wednesday, were unable to transport her on Thursday she was having such a bad day, but move her on Friday.  She had a terrible night, I got a call at 7:30 asking permission to give her additional pain medications, to which I said yes and raced the hour to get there.  She was gone by 11:30.

 

I am now a big believer that hospice care givers are angels from heaven (I knew this but forgot), and when they tell you that a person has entered the dying process, they know their business.

 

It probably sounds silly, but this is very odd and unhinged feeling, not having any parents at what I feel like is a pretty young age of 53.

So sorry, Nextiteration- these times are never easy.  Yes, the hospice workers are wonderful.  I lost my last parent when I was older than you and we weren't close but it is a strange feeling.  There is a book called "Midlife Orphans" which I found helpful.  

[GeeGolly]

Thank you all.  My mom had said on Monday that she just couldn't mount another fight (go through transition and rehab) and asked to be moved to a single room in a hospice.  There was some back and forth through the week but we found a bed for her on Wednesday, were unable to transport her on Thursday she was having such a bad day, but move her on Friday.  She had a terrible night, I got a call at 7:30 asking permission to give her additional pain medications, to which I said yes and raced the hour to get there.  She was gone by 11:30.

 

I am now a big believer that hospice care givers are angels from heaven (I knew this but forgot), and when they tell you that a person has entered the dying process, they know their business.

 

It probably sounds silly, but this is very odd and unhinged feeling, not having any parents at what I feel like is a pretty young age of 53.

Hospice is great. I lost my mom 5 years ago, and my dad 2 years ago. It is hard being, as lookeyloo mentioned, midlife orphans. Warm & fuzzy thoughts for you.

[Barb23]

Next - so sorry for your loss. Moms are special people & I'm sure you will miss her greatly.

Emma - Wishing you a speedy recovery.

[Tabbygirl521]

Thank you all. My mom had said on Monday that she just couldn't mount another fight (go through transition and rehab) and asked to be moved to a single room in a hospice. There was some back and forth through the week but we found a bed for her on Wednesday, were unable to transport her on Thursday she was having such a bad day, but move her on Friday. She had a terrible night, I got a call at 7:30 asking permission to give her additional pain medications, to which I said yes and raced the hour to get there. She was gone by 11:30.

I am now a big believer that hospice care givers are angels from heaven (I knew this but forgot), and when they tell you that a person has entered the dying process, they know their business.

It probably sounds silly, but this is very odd and unhinged feeling, not having any parents at what I feel like is a pretty young age of 53.

I am so sorry for your loss. It is not silly at all to be feeling unhinged, especially since it sounds like things suddenly happened very quickly. Our family went through a similar situation with my mom, who died in July (I can hardly stand to type that). I am 62 and I feel unhinged as well. Be very good to yourself as you go through this very sad and unsettling time.

I agree completely about hospice workers.

[emma675]

Next, hugs and comforting thoughts your way. Take care of yourself, too. Hospice workers are true heroes, I don't know how they do what they do, but I'm grateful for it.

[MarysWetBar]

Next, I am so grateful that your Mom was able to transfer to hospice prior to her passing. I worked hospice for years and can guarantee you that she was well cared for in the best possible environment and was kept very comfortable during her transition.

I can also very deeply commiserate with you on the orphan feeling as both my parents are now gone and my only sibling as well. I'm 50..and can tell you it is such a strange feeling. Almost like an unanchored boat just drifting in the water. .waves lapping. .fog and all. Be kind with yourself, ask for help if you are struggling...i wish I had.

You will be ok. It really just takes time. For some reason, I am truly feeling your loss and the confusion. I remember standing in a hospital hallway following my own Mom's passing, holding her dentures in a sandwich bag, and her jewelry in another that the nurses gave me..and just not sure where I should go or what i should do.

Hugs to you XO

Edited November 8, 2015 by MarysWetBar

[Satchels of gold]

For next and all of you missing your moms

http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/182732

[NikSac]

Thank you all.  My mom had said on Monday that she just couldn't mount another fight (go through transition and rehab) and asked to be moved to a single room in a hospice.  There was some back and forth through the week but we found a bed for her on Wednesday, were unable to transport her on Thursday she was having such a bad day, but move her on Friday.  She had a terrible night, I got a call at 7:30 asking permission to give her additional pain medications, to which I said yes and raced the hour to get there.  She was gone by 11:30.

 

I am now a big believer that hospice care givers are angels from heaven (I knew this but forgot), and when they tell you that a person has entered the dying process, they know their business.

 

It probably sounds silly, but this is very odd and unhinged feeling, not having any parents at what I feel like is a pretty young age of 53.

 

It doesn't sound silly at all, and I am so sorry. Sometimes you just want to be able to call/see your Mom or Dad, no matter how young or old you are.

 

I agree with you on hospice care workers. I don't know how they do it, but I'm glad they do.

[P2C2E]

I highly recommend the book "Being Mortal". Apologies if I've mentioned it before, but it's a really great read about end of life care and the decisions involved in that. It talks about hospice care and how the goals of hospice are very different than a hospital. It's very well written and easy to read but also challenges you to think about how you want to make decisions for yourself and others. 

 

http://www.amazon.com/Being-Mortal-Medicine-What-Matters/dp/0805095152

[Liz Tudor]

A little levity for a moment. We were running late for church today. It's POURING here, after more than a month with no rain. I dressed hurriedly, went a little casual, due to the weather, in a plum top and a denim skirt (it's "dress" denim...dark wash, fluted design with a slight ruffle at the bottom, hits at the knee). I didn't really pay attention to Mr. Tudor, because we were both scrambling. So we dash off to church in the deluge, and end up in the back pew moments before the service started. After we ditched our rain jackets, I see that he has on a plum shirt & matching tie. I whisper, "we look like the dang Duggars!" Giggling: a great way to get through the prelude. Fast forward to the readings, one is Psalm 127. The now-infamous quiverfull verse. So Mr. Tudor elbows me and says, "the Duggar verse!!!!!" (He has learned stuff from me about this show he sincerely wishes he didn't know). At least I didn't have on flip flops or crunchy hair (or 19 kids!). Anyway, we got a laugh out of our unintenional Duggar Sunday.

[Twopper]

 

It probably sounds silly, but this is very odd and unhinged feeling, not having any parents at what I feel like is a pretty young age of 53.

My mother died at the end of the month after I turned 53, and I understand the midlife orphan feeling; my dad had died 25 years earlier My husband lost his parents when he was mid-40's and then his only sister a few years later.  He had no other siblings, and I am an  only.  We have adult children, no grands yet. Neither of us have aunts or uncles still living. And we have both lost cousins already.  I sometimes feel we live like ducks in a shooting gallery, and I wonder which of us will get picked off next.   Boy, sorry about this; I really didn't mean to sound so depressing.  There is a cat sleeping in my lap, which is sorta nice, but uncomfy, and making it really hard to type.

[Twopper]

 

Fast forward to the readings, one is Psalm 127. The now-infamous quiverfull verse. So Mr. Tudor elbows me and says, "the Duggar verse!!!!!" (He has learned stuff from me about this show he sincerely wishes he didn't know). At least I didn't have on flip flops or crunchy hair (or 19 kids!). Anyway, we got a laugh out of our unintenional Duggar Sunday.

We had Psalm 146.  I am just as glad we didn't have the quiverfull verse as I was sitting too near to several people who join me in Duggar snark from time to time. 

[Muffyn]

NextIteration, I am so sorry for your loss.

[Sew Sumi]

NextIteration, please accept my heartfelt condolences. I am glad she had hospice care; I know they helped both of my parents go peacefully. xx

[RedPonyDriver]

NextIteration and others...if you want to talk offline about being a midlife orphan, let me know. I'm an only child...lost my dad in 1998 and my mom in 2013. It's HARD. Even though my mother and I had a really rocky relationship, I still miss her...I was my daddy's princess and man...to never hear him say that again HURTS! 

 

My heart goes out to everyone dealing with this. 

[GeeGolly]

I don't know about others but losing my dad (my 2nd parent to pass) made me miss my mom even more.

 

Tough stuff Twopper. Warm & fuzzies coming your way.

[Catonc]

I don't know about others but losing my dad (my 2nd parent to pass) made me miss my mom even more.

 

Tough stuff Twopper. Warm & fuzzies coming your way.

Same here - my mom died in 1996 and my dad died in 2013....it is sad to not have parents around to celebrate the family events - ie., my children's graduations, etc.  I do still miss my mom very much..

 

Hugs to all............

[NewDigs]

So sorry to hear that so many are struggling with loss right now. And with a parent the pain can be so deep that the grief can seem unfathomable.

I hope you all find peace and with that perhaps also an inner well of strength.

Be well.

[pinkie]

I'm so very sorry about your Mum, Nextiteration!

& ((hugs)) to everyone who feels sad

[magpye29]

Sending prayers and positive energy your way, Next.  

[magpye29]

The supposedly sad song that always pissed me off was Patches, about the girl from the wrong side of town who gets dumped by her frat-boy boyfriend and drowns herself in the river.  It ends with him saying he's going to join her that night.  Awful, awful song.

 

Worst gift ever?  The year I got married, my husband called me a week or so before Christmas and told me he got command sponsorship for me to join him in Panama.  My best friend was going to pack up my things for me and store them in her attic, but it sprung a leak and she couldn't, so my mother ended up doing it.  In my apartment was a laundry basket with important (to me) things in it, including the manuscript of a book I wrote when I was 14, family photos, and other stuff.  My mother threw it all away. she sent me papers she'd torn from my notebooks (but she kept the notebooks!).  For Christmas, she gave me a ziploc baggie filled with stationery she'd taken from my apartment!

[Abstract]

The sad song conversation has taken me back to my childhood, when much of the music I listened to was actually my parents' music of their youth. My mom had a Dickie Lee album with all the sad songs: Patches, Teen Angel, Tell Laura I Love Her, Wolverton Mountain, etc. She lent the album to a friend and never got it back, but I just found the cd on Amazon and it's going to be part of her Christmas present.

[Love2dance]

.  In my apartment was a laundry basket with important (to me) things in it, including the manuscript of a book I wrote when I was 14, family photos, and other stuff.  My mother threw it all away. she sent me papers she'd torn from my notebooks (but she kept the notebooks!).  For Christmas, she gave me a ziploc baggie filled with stationery she'd taken from my apartment!

That is so sad, MAGPYE. I can see why this memory still hurts. Hugs.

[SomePity1066]

In my apartment was a laundry basket with important (to me) things in it, including the manuscript of a book I wrote when I was 14, family photos, and other stuff.  My mother threw it all away. she sent me papers she'd torn from my notebooks (but she kept the notebooks!).  For Christmas, she gave me a ziploc baggie filled with stationery she'd taken from my apartment!

We must have the same mother, Magpye29, and for that I am so very sorry. What my mother did was select the most valuable book I had in my collection - a banged-up but still treasured first edition TS Eliot - and let my two year-old niece color in it and rip pages out. This was in a house FILLED with dozens of coloring books, but my mom thought it would be "funny" to see what would happen to my book. 

 

I never got over it, and I shouldn't have to. That's as cutting as anything that's ever happened to me, it was my mother, and it was on purpose.

 

I think God every single day I had my beloved dad, and that he outlived her by fifteen years. I was given a decade and a half of freedom and love that my mom tried at every turn to corrupt and crush, but in the end she's the one who ultimately lost. 

 

Sorry, that was kind of over the top. But cathartic, so I'm glad you guys are here. 

[Love2dance]

We must have the same mother, Magpye29, and for that I am so very sorry. What my mother did was select the most valuable book I had in my collection - a banged-up but still treasured first edition TS Eliot - and let my two year-old niece color in it and rip pages out. This was in a house FILLED with dozens of coloring books, but my mom thought it would be "funny" to see what would happen to my book. 

 

I never got over it, and I shouldn't have to. That's as cutting as anything that's ever happened to me, it was my mother, and it was on purpose.

 

I think God every single day I had my beloved dad, and that he outlived her by fifteen years. I was given a decade and a half of freedom and love that my mom tried at every turn to corrupt and crush, but in the end she's the one who ultimately lost. 

 

Sorry, that was kind of over the top. But cathartic, so I'm glad you guys are here.

Oh, gosh. Hugs to you, too, SOMEPITY1066. So glad you had those wonderful years with your dad.

[SomePity1066]

Oh, gosh. Hugs to you, too, SOMEPITY1066. So glad you had those wonderful years with your dad.

Thank you, Loves2dance - I'm very glad, too  :)

[zenme]

SomePity, I feel your pain. I have one of those moms. It's difficult when you love someone who causes you so much pain. I also thank God for my father. I can take her in small doses because she'll inevitably say or do something that can spur on depressive feelings in me. I have guilt because I try to avoid her--especially since NextIteration's mother just passed. It's a reminder of how badly our relationship needs work.

[GeeGolly]

Warm, internet mommy hugs to zen & SomePity.

[Catlyn]

What about:  Most Boring Song Ever?

 

I nominate A Horse with No Name.

Especially since he went through the whole damn desert and never named the horse! 

 

I'm soo sorry Next and everyone else suffering from loss. It's hard when you lose a parent no matter what age and when it's the only parent you have left, no matter what age you feel like an orphan.  I lost my dad when I was 17. It was a big loss, but mom and my sibs were there.  I lost my mom about 25 years later and I had to call everyone and get them together.  Now, both my brothers are gone and it's just me and my sister. The only good thing is my family tends to go fast. No lingering, just one minute fine, next gone.  People say it gets better, but I think it just gets more bearable.

 

Although luckily my family does see the lighter side of life which helps. (for instance, my dad's death was the first funeral my mom had to plan and she didn't know anything. She was relieved to find that the hearse was included. "Otherwise, I kept thinking how we were going to get the casket in the back of Charlie's van!

 

And when my brother died, it was a mess. We didn't know he had died, (he went through periods of not communicating with us except for email). We were just able to get him before they were going to give him to the medical schools. We had him cremated because he was going to be interred in Arlington. (He didn't die in battle so he got a place in a wall.) The funeral home got into trouble about not cremating body parts left from a medical school and was going to be shut down, but we just got him back in time. The funeral in Arlington wasn't going to take place for at least a month, so I kept him in my car as I was afraid he'd fall or I'd put him someplace safe and lose him in my house. (Silly, but I have lost things that way before.)  My sister was keeping her in-laws up-to-date on what was happening, including the trouble with the funeral home. Finally her MIL asked very concerned, "I'm so sorry, so where he now?" "In the back of Cat's car!"  My sister realized she had neglected to tell them he had been cremated when she saw the look on her MIL face. So, we look for the bright spots and take them when we can. 

Edited November 9, 2015 by Catlyn

[crazycatlady58]

Warm understanding thoughts for those who have mothers who are/were not motherly. Mine thought it would be good to tell me she did not have lots of money for Christmas presents so would I mind having fewer presents so my younger brother could have more. I will never forget the pain pf seeing my empty stocking and his full one. I was 12 and he was 2. It makes it hard when they die because you know you will never have a chance to have a true mother/ daughter relationship.The hardest holiday is Mothers day, because all the ads are anout great moms, also I am a Christian and all the services and Christian radio programs are about how much your mother loves you and how much she gave up for you. Sorry about the long sad post, I have never shared this before it is nice to know there is someone who understands.

[Satchels of gold]

I sort of got the short end of the dad stick but seeing my husband with my daughter has healed me. I didn't think that wound could ever be healed but seeing them love each other has mended my heart. He may not be the best husband ( fish earring for Christmas? Really?) but damn if he isn't the best dad in the world.

[Chicklet]

It's always sad when you realize your mother hasn't got the maternal instincts that one should but sometimes I can convince myself that both of my parents did what they could with what they had. Not saying they did their best because they didn't and my Dad at least admits that. Mom , well she's a stellar mom in her own mind and in the minds of her friends I haven't met.

Not sure how one deals with the death of lousy parent but I'm thinking about how to handle it since both of mine are older now. Yea I'm trying to plan on how to feel. And just how screwed up is that?

I'm hoping everyone who lost a loving or non-loving parent finds peace.

 

I purpose to propose that we have Therapy Hour every week lol.

Edited November 9, 2015 by Chicklet

[crazycatlady58]

Chicklit, therapy hour sounds great, and yes that is what I tell myself also she did the best she could, I had food, a place to sleep and a roof over my head. I could have been a lot worse.

[neural-plasticity]

I feel for everyone who has lost their parents. I also feel for everyone who missed out on the mother/daughter relationship that every daughter deserves. Although I was blessed with to have the parents I have (I don't think they can be any more selfless than they already are), I do feel similar in terms of my relationship with my sister. She has a lot of mental health issues, which has been apparent since she was a young teenager, and it significantly impacted my childhood. We went through a phase when I was in college where I refused to talk to her but it hurt my mom so bad that I finally let my sister reach out to me again. Although I don't refuse to talk to her anymore, we have absolutely no relationship. I don't tell her anything about my life, which is fine with her because she really only cares about what's going on in hers. We've entered an interesting part of life/our relationship, because she's been trying to get pregnant for the last three years and in the next couple of years that may be something my husband and I are interested in doing as well. 

 

Over the last three years, she has had multiple very early-term miscarriages. Her and her husband have finally found a birth mom who wants to do adoption, so it looks like they'll finally have their baby they've wanted at the end of May. I've been trying to be really supportive of her with this situation. She has me down as a reference for the home-evaluation, so it'll be interesting to see if someone actually calls me. Of course I wouldn't say things to make it so she wouldn't be able to get the baby, but as a PhD candidate in a clinical psychology program, it'll be awkward to figure out how to navigate what I know about her mental health. That probably doesn't make any sense, because it doesn't make much sense in my head yet, either!

 

Regardless, my sister has caused me a lot of pain in my life, but I couldn't imagine how it would feel to have a mother who caused that pain instead of a sister. So I am sending you all big FF hugs. 

[Mrs. P.]

I, too, became an orphan at age 53 when my mother passed away. I had already lost my father and two brothers, so I felt completely orphaned.

I was fortunate, however, to have a loving husband and 2 terrific children (and 4 grandchildren). I also had extended family - sister-in-law, nieces, nephews, etc. - so I never felt alone. But it is a jarring feeling to realize that you are the last of your birth family, and it's taken time to come to terms with that.

I am sorry for those of you have had less than ideal mothers and fathers. I was so lucky to have had great parents who did their best for me and my brothers. My memories of them are tender and sweet, and that makes their loss a little easier to bear.

[Lemur]

I lost my father three years ago (kidney cancer that metastasized up his spine to his brain).  A month after that, my sister has multiple organ failure and spent almost a month in a coma.  We managed to get her back from that.  Mom has since moved in with the sister and I (we bought a house together about nine years ago), and brought Dad's cremains with her.  She has him and three of his dogs with him in her bedroom.  I had to go recover the body of my brother's pug this week (another dog mauled her while he was on vacation - long grisly story, someone's getting his ass sued off) and I took her to my vet to be cremated.  I told my brother I'd keep her with the other dogs if he wasn't comfortable with having her in his house.  He'd kinda sensitive about that sort of thing.  He asked me what I was going to do with her, and I said she'd go in Mom's room with Pop and the other dogs.  He said he found that rather creepy.  I told him that creepy was the shelf in the living room with all of the cats and their collars on it.  

[Satchels of gold]

That reminds me of when my wonderful aunt passed. At her funeral her adult children smuggled into the casket all the ashes of her many deceased animals to be buried with her ( a big no no in the Catholic Church and catholic cemetery ) when the pall bearers went to carry the casket they could barely lift it. It was hysterical as the poor pall bearers were all eying each other like " what the heck she was light on the way in". Oh well, what the church doesn't know won't hurt them.

Edited November 9, 2015 by nc socialworker

[Happyfatchick]

It's been raining here for over a week.  Seriously, rain every.stinkin.day.  And I have that SAD thing (seasonal depression) along with a plain old garden variety depression (easily manageable, but totally bizarre!).  I've ordered one of the lamps to try and alleviate the seasonal mess, it's driving me crazy.  (Wait; was that an intended pun or an oxymoron?)

 

Even without the depression, it would be hard to read all the entries here since Next's mother died.  I'm so glad we have this place to share.  My heart just aches for those of you who had less than stellar lives with one or more of your parents when they were alive.  It seems like a double whammy to me - if you haven't had a good relationship with a parent, and then they DIE... you then have to go through the process of sending them off while dealing with the certainty that this is truly the end.  It wasn't good, and now it's over.  A relief in some aspects, but also a grieving process for that relationship that never will be right. 

 

My mom has severe dementia (sometimes they refer to it as Alzheimers, sometimes not).  It's taken her a long slow ride of 13 years to get to "severe".  Sometimes I look at her and know how much she would HATE to know how she lives now.  She would be so wounded and hurt to see herself like this.  And sometimes I silently wish she would move on.  Followed immediately by "NO!!!  Don't go!!!"   It's insane - I feel just as guilty for wanting her to stay near me as I do when I want her to let go.  I did the same thing with Daddy when he was in his last days.  I'd crawl up in the bed with him and put my lips at his ear and say, "Daddy, I know it hurts.  I know you're ready to go.  It's ok.  I'll always take care of Mama, it's ok to let go".  Fifteen minutes later, I'm in that bed next to his ear whispering, "Please, please don't go, Daddy!"   For me, personally, there's something so devastating about a parent leaving - it strips me of my ability to think as a grown woman with responsibilities.  I'm completely self sufficient.  I am strong.  I am capable.  I don't "need" them for anything, really.  They both readied me for this challenge.  I even have brothers to help me through.  (Wellllll, ONE brother will help me through - the other is a slug). 

 

My granddaughter (7) has a pink blanket (the blanket's name is "Pink Blanket").  She sleeps with it every single night.  It was a receiving blanket.  It's been rehemmed so many thousands of times.  It's sort of brownish pink despite regular washings.  It looks worse than my dog's blankets.  It has passed the point of any sort of usefulness in this world.  It doesn't provide warmth, beauty or color.  Just a worn out scrap of fabric.  I think my mom is my pink blanket.

 

For the record, someone mentioned when we were discussing sappy songs "Christmas Shoes".  I so hate that song.  It was so obviously written not for a memory or for the record of a true "MOMENT", but for the sheer sappiness and syrup.  I just can't STAND it.  Will rush to get away when I hear it coming.  A few years ago, someone sang that as a solo in church.  My husband, who is stoic and bored in church as a rule, sitting next to me.  The man behind us was...touched.  He started sniffling.  The hubs was side eyeing me at first, but I kept my face toward the front.  The man goes from sniffling to real crying, huh-huh-huh almost hiccupping.  His wife is patting his back and loving on him.  I'm pinching my lips, concentrating on how much I HATE this song, and can peripherally seeing my hub's lips twitching.  (At which point I start to think - "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't laugh!!!").  But alas.  He does.  Just as that poor guy's crying became wails, the twitching became the church giggles.  They both eventually bolted for the same door, but I'm sure they parted ways outside.  It is truly amazing how differently people receive things.

[barbedwire]

I'm in shock, my mom just died.  I've misplaced my phone and my sunglasses.  I'm just lost.

 

Huge hugs!  I am so so very sorry for your loss.

[Love2dance]

Thank you for the hilarious church story, HAPPYFATCHICK, we all needed that.

OK, I think I may be old enough, but even if I am not, I purpose to fold all of you "orphans." and those who have less than nurturing parents, under my wing. I want to be your cyber mommy and surround you with love and appropriate presents. Love and cuddles to you all.

[XinaMarie]

So my husband and I were commuting in together this morning and he tells me that he and a mom with a girl in our daughter's special needs class were chatting at drop off. I don't know the lady that well, but we chat quite a bit because her daughter has a feeding tube just like our daughter did (my daughter got it removed last week after being in for 6 years!!!) and she is following a similar path that ours did and is maybe about 6 months behind our daughter as far as getting it removed. So she likes to compare war stories and ask questions.

 

I have been very impressed with her because she has been doing a blended diet with her daughter which is real food that you puree very finely with a very good expensive blender. It takes a lot of time and effort and I felt like a slacker for feeding my daughter Pediasure through her tube every day. Just open a lid and dump it in. Now that she eats orally she is giving her salmon and rice and peas that she cooks just for her. Mine gets Mac n Cheese cups. You get the picture. Anyway, my husband told me she said that things got so tough with her daughter that she and her husband considered putting the child up for adoption when she was still an infant! I almost threw up from crying so hard for the next half hour we were in the car together. 

 

When you are sad about something, does it seem like every song that comes on the radio can be interpreted with a meaning that has to do with your situation? And it sets you into tears all over again? There are so many layers of the onion that is my emotions for me to examine and analyze why this bit of info upset me so. If I ever had those feelings about my daughter (and I think no matter how effed up or illogical, you have a right to your feelings) I certainly would never tell anyone. I would be way too ashamed of myself.

 

So many times people have told me. Oh, I just could not do what you are doing. As if I am special. No I am just unlucky and this is life. You cope with what you are given. I tell people that all the time. What else am I to do? Lie in bed and suck my thumb for the rest of my days. You put one foot in front of the other and deal with reality. Never once in our darkest hours did the idea of giving her away pop into my head as an option.

[Jynnan tonnix]

Let's see if the computer will actually let me type something here today...often, for some reason, this site makes it lock up after every few letters, and it can take me 10-15 minutes to complete a four-line post. Which is why I don't post much. But it actually seems to be cooperating today, so I'm taking advantage of it.

 

I've been reading all these posts about parents and feeling, as I often do, that there is something not entirely "normal' in my mindset. Here's something I find it very hard to admit, and I hope that maybe someone might get it, but sometimes I feel as though I got passed over when they were handing out the "love" gene. My parents are honestly wonderful people. We are not very much alike by nature, and they do tend toward the judgmental side, but I can't say that they haven't done their best. In contrast to some of the stories I've read here, they are almost model parents. But I've never felt close to them, and don't feel as though I love them. They are getting elderly now, and needing more help here and there. Dad in particular is really showing his age and visibly declining, but I don't/can't feel anything. Other than my kids, I really can't think of anyone that I'd be inconsolable about losing. I feel very detached from a lot of life in general and have always lived almost entirely in my own head.

I'm almost 57 and have been married for over 30 years, but I don't feel as though I even really ever loved my husband. He was determined to marry me and eventually wore me down...and he is an amazing man on all sorts of levels (though, admittedly, not an easy man to live with but I figure I'm not always all that easy either), so I do my best. And he has worked his ass off to give me a very good life, so I can't really complain.

 

In some ways I feel as though maybe I fall somewhere along the autism spectrum, but that doesn't really add up as, aside from other things, I have an intense enjoyment of humor, even though I'm not good at it myself, and am extremely self-aware. But there is some sort of attachment thing missing. I was actually born a couple of months premature and sometimes wonder whether that could have left my brain with some damage. I was always excruciatingly shy growing up, and though I've learned to cope to an extent, I'm still very introverted by nature. That being said, I also don't have much of a filter sometimes, and will totally overshare as soon as someone seems as though they might like me. It's taken a long time for me to realize that most people don't really appreciate that.

 

Ironically, while I don't "attach" to people I my life the way I should, I've always (since I was 7 or 8 at least) had intense, all-consuming obsessive crushes on people whom I have no actual contact with (celebrities, etc). Or like my cousin in England who I never really knew growing up, but with whom I fell helplessly in love after his family stayed with us for a couple of weeks when I was 17. Nothing "happened" between us, though there was a bit of a mutual spark...he was just more used to the concept of family, having siblings as well as many other cousins, so I guess there was just a natural taboo on his side moreso than on mine (as an only child with no cousins on the same continent). At any rate, that took me over 30 years to really let go of.

 

So, anyway, I'm babbling now, totally taking advantage of being able to type unhampered for a change. I hope this doesn't all make me sound like some sort of sociopath...though sometimes I find it frighteningly easy to identify with them. I'd never hurt anyone, though. I just don't seem to love them...

[zenme]

Jynanntonnix, hugs...just hugs.

In this thread I'm always amazed at the things people go through.

[wilsie]

Jynnan tonnix, I think you are very courageous to share your honest feelings and that this is a safe place to do so.  We're not all the same.  Hugs from me, too!

[Tabbygirl521]

Jynnan, I don't think it is totally unusual for related people not to feel connected. I know quite a few people who have perfectly nice families but they just don't have a lot in common and don't quite click in some ways. Maybe that actually is more normal. Maybe without cultural "happy family" messages everywhere, all young adults would launch successfully and move into their own worlds.

I would never attempt to diagnose you, but I wanted to tell you that I have a close friend on the spectrum. You wouldn't guess; I only know because he told me, and explained some of his deficits and how he has taught himself to compensate. For example, he had to teach himself about facial expressions and how to respond to them appropriate. He did this by studying and learning on his own. My point is that he is highly self-aware, intelligent, kind, has a sense of humor...but in some areas is wired a bit differently. So...you may be right about yourself.

I have a sort of similar question about myself. Why can I watch shows like Snapped and Disappeared and feel a just detached sort of sadness or compassion for those involved - I mean, I react, but I don't fall apart. But anything involving threat or harm to an animal - even in fiction - just levels me. It doesn't seem right.

[lookeyloo]

Reading all about the sad songs is why I don't really like to listen to music anymore.  Almost everything evokes a memory of sadness.  I have a few upbeat songs with no attachments to anyone on my phone that I use in the gym sometimes.  But there are times I don't even want to listen to them.  So, it is talk radio for me.  some of it is awful, but, that's better than ending up very sad and crying, thinking about this one or that one.

 

I have a few horror stories of growing up with parents who got married at the wrong time for the wrong reasons, but, it makes me too sad to even type any of them.  So I am commiserating with my fellow posters in that regard.

[Pixie Chicken]

NextIteration, I am so sorry for your loss.  Your family is in my prayers.

 

 

 

My granddaughter (7) has a pink blanket (the blanket's name is "Pink Blanket").  She sleeps with it every single night.  It was a receiving blanket.  It's been rehemmed so many thousands of times.  It's sort of brownish pink despite regular washings.  It looks worse than my dog's blankets.  It has passed the point of any sort of usefulness in this world.  It doesn't provide warmth, beauty or color.  Just a worn out scrap of fabric.  I think my mom is my pink blanket.

This is so sad and poignant at the same time, HFC.  Hugs to you.

[Missy Vixen]

I'm in shock, my mom just died.  I've misplaced my phone and my sunglasses.  I'm just lost.

I'm so sorry, NextIteration. I hope you're surrounded by your loved ones and friends right now.

[Lemur]

For the record, someone mentioned when we were discussing sappy songs "Christmas Shoes".  I so hate that song.  It was so obviously written not for a memory or for the record of a true "MOMENT", but for the sheer sappiness and syrup.  I just can't STAND it.  Will rush to get away when I hear it coming.  A few years ago, someone sang that as a solo in church.  My husband, who is stoic and bored in church as a rule, sitting next to me.  The man behind us was...touched.  He started sniffling.  The hubs was side eyeing me at first, but I kept my face toward the front.  The man goes from sniffling to real crying, huh-huh-huh almost hiccupping.  His wife is patting his back and loving on him.  I'm pinching my lips, concentrating on how much I HATE this song, and can peripherally seeing my hub's lips twitching.  (At which point I start to think - "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't laugh!!!").  But alas.  He does.  Just as that poor guy's crying became wails, the twitching became the church giggles.  They both eventually bolted for the same door, but I'm sure they parted ways outside.  It is truly amazing how differently people receive things.

 

I despise this song with an undying hatred.  I was waiting to bust out my rant about it for the Holiday Season proper, but I think we all needed this today. 

Edited November 9, 2015 by Lemur

[amitville]

It's been raining here for over a week.  Seriously, rain every.stinkin.day.  And I have that SAD thing (seasonal depression) along with a plain old garden variety depression (easily manageable, but totally bizarre!).  I've ordered one of the lamps to try and alleviate the seasonal mess, it's driving me crazy.  (Wait; was that an intended pun or an oxymoron?)

 

Even without the depression, it would be hard to read all the entries here since Next's mother died.  I'm so glad we have this place to share.  My heart just aches for those of you who had less than stellar lives with one or more of your parents when they were alive.  It seems like a double whammy to me - if you haven't had a good relationship with a parent, and then they DIE... you then have to go through the process of sending them off while dealing with the certainty that this is truly the end.  It wasn't good, and now it's over.  A relief in some aspects, but also a grieving process for that relationship that never will be right. 

 

My mom has severe dementia (sometimes they refer to it as Alzheimers, sometimes not).  It's taken her a long slow ride of 13 years to get to "severe".  Sometimes I look at her and know how much she would HATE to know how she lives now.  She would be so wounded and hurt to see herself like this.  And sometimes I silently wish she would move on.  Followed immediately by "NO!!!  Don't go!!!"   It's insane - I feel just as guilty for wanting her to stay near me as I do when I want her to let go.  I did the same thing with Daddy when he was in his last days.  I'd crawl up in the bed with him and put my lips at his ear and say, "Daddy, I know it hurts.  I know you're ready to go.  It's ok.  I'll always take care of Mama, it's ok to let go".  Fifteen minutes later, I'm in that bed next to his ear whispering, "Please, please don't go, Daddy!"   For me, personally, there's something so devastating about a parent leaving - it strips me of my ability to think as a grown woman with responsibilities.  I'm completely self sufficient.  I am strong.  I am capable.  I don't "need" them for anything, really.  They both readied me for this challenge.  I even have brothers to help me through.  (Wellllll, ONE brother will help me through - the other is a slug). 

 

My granddaughter (7) has a pink blanket (the blanket's name is "Pink Blanket").  She sleeps with it every single night.  It was a receiving blanket.  It's been rehemmed so many thousands of times.  It's sort of brownish pink despite regular washings.  It looks worse than my dog's blankets.  It has passed the point of any sort of usefulness in this world.  It doesn't provide warmth, beauty or color.  Just a worn out scrap of fabric.  I think my mom is my pink blanket.

 

For the record, someone mentioned when we were discussing sappy songs "Christmas Shoes".  I so hate that song.  It was so obviously written not for a memory or for the record of a true "MOMENT", but for the sheer sappiness and syrup.  I just can't STAND it.  Will rush to get away when I hear it coming.  A few years ago, someone sang that as a solo in church.  My husband, who is stoic and bored in church as a rule, sitting next to me.  The man behind us was...touched.  He started sniffling.  The hubs was side eyeing me at first, but I kept my face toward the front.  The man goes from sniffling to real crying, huh-huh-huh almost hiccupping.  His wife is patting his back and loving on him.  I'm pinching my lips, concentrating on how much I HATE this song, and can peripherally seeing my hub's lips twitching.  (At which point I start to think - "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't laugh!!!").  But alas.  He does.  Just as that poor guy's crying became wails, the twitching became the church giggles.  They both eventually bolted for the same door, but I'm sure they parted ways outside.  It is truly amazing how differently people receive things.

You just ripped my heart out.  I know the feeling of not wanting your mother and/or father to leave you.