S05.E15: Shot Through the Heart, and Ibiza's to Blame

[OnceSane]

Quote

Jess deals with a scary medical condition; Rob draws Malia's ire by continuing to underperform on deck.

Airs September 7, 2020.

[Emmeline]

Did Malia just radio Captain Sandy and say Jess is having heart palpitations and Sandy said tell her to come see me?!?  What the heck!  

[PaperTree]

The woman is having heart palpitations and Queen Sandy wants her to climb up to the bridge?

My Dr. would not be happy with that bp.

[pieinmyeye]

May I recommend if you are having heart palpitations that you do not drink anything with caffeine in it.

[chenoa333]

So Malia radios Sandy to tell her Jessica is having heart palpitations and Sandie says "tell her to come see me".

Wouldn't/shouldn't the captain go to where Jess is instead of making Jess walk to the captain? Heart palpitations can be a serious issue but once again...Sandie only cares about who she likes and who kisses her ass.

And please, could some crew member on that yacht buy Sandy some hand moisturizer!

ETA: Looks like so far, we're all on the same page with another Sandy fuck up (asking a crew member with heart palpitations to come up to the Captains area.)

Sandy needs to be fired. She can take Malia with her and charter a tugboat.

Edited September 8, 2020 by chenoa333

[Emmeline]

I could use one of those deserts.  That

looked good!

[Shannah Banana]

Far too much kissy face before breakfast.  Ew.

[SuprSuprElevated]

Malia chastizes Rob? for kissing his girlfriend instead of tending to the "disaster" condition of the boat...

...5 minutes after she was in the galley, kissing her boyfriend, while NOT attending to the boat that was in bad shape.

[TexasGal]

I feel like Rob and Jess have about equal, not very high, brain power.  Rob is so “in his head” over whatever is going on with the “ex” girlfriend that he can’t clean the boat or throw ropes effectively?  C’mon.

At least Jess caught up on laundry.

[chenoa333]

Did I just see Rob drying dishes with a dental flossing pik in his mouth?  Disgusting.

[PaperTree]

Was Johnny pissing over the rail?  He is mega-wasted.  He could barely chew his food.

Rob is a mess, but Rat Mal-ia shouldn't be badmouthing him to others.

Jess is a mess, too.

[nytonc]

21 minutes ago, SuprSuprElevated said:

Malia chastizes Rob? for kissing his girlfriend instead of tending to the "disaster" condition of the boat...

...5 minutes after she was in the galley, kissing her boyfriend, while NOT attending to the boat that was in bad shape.

I hope these two don’t grope and grind their way into Jenna/Adam territory. That was nauseating to watch.

All Sandy needs is a cape billowing behind her to complete the superhero image she has of herself.  Malia can play the trusted sidekick. They can travel the world, ridding yachts of Valium and CBD and “incarcerating” them.   

 

Edited September 8, 2020 by nytonc

[chenoa333]

I smell a fake relationship with Aesha and Rob brewing just to bring fake drama between Jessica and Rob. 

Bravo should just pay me to write the scripts. 😀

[PaperTree]

Bugs looks utterly ridiculous with the eye sparkles.  Then she inflicts it on everybody else.  Is this a "thing"?  I didn't notice it on anybody else.

Rob and Jess are really over the top.  I guess he can switch bunks with Alex.

[65mickey]

So now we have 3 couples slobbering all over each other.  What the hell has happened to the Below Deck Franchise? It is no longer about the guests, parties, great food and beautiful scenery and the crew and how they relate to each other. We must now watch week after week of the love boat. No thanks.

[ihartcoffee]

Boring episode really.  Too many couples.  Yuck.  

Aesha won for best comments though.  

Malia is still a twat. 

Edited September 8, 2020 by ihartcoffee
Typo

[Duke2801]

I’ve gotta say that Bravo editors have done a pretty fantastic job of editing Pete out of this show. I legitimately forgot he was still a crew member. 
 

Ugh we’ve all been out with *that* couple who is either making out or fighting. (Ok, I’ve BEEN a part of that couple—but in my early 20s). Regardless, Rob and Jess are annoying AF and both super dramatic in their own way.

Not sure what it is about Bugs that has Alex so gaga—her plethora of sparkly hair pins, her affinity for glitter, her tacky tables capes?? Or perhaps he’s just horny and wants a short lived boatmance if his own. Fortunately the season is winding down and we (hopefully) won’t have to witness their awkward flirting with one another much longer. 

[chenoa333]

18 minutes ago, Duke2801 said:

Or perhaps he’s just horny and wants a short lived boatmance if his own.

I'll take "horny and wants a short lived boatmance" for a thousand Alex.

[heavysnaxx]

Ladies and gentlemen of this episode thread, I’m just an unfrozen maritime lawyer. Your show frightens and confuses me! Sometimes I think "a captain" means "someone who knows more than the valet who backs my BMW into a parking spot." Sometimes when I hear "bosun," I don't think "sous chef," "HR nightmare," or "possibly projecting my narcotics use onto others." I don’t know! My primitive mind can’t grasp these concepts. But there is one thing I do know – when everything goes to hell - as it's beginning to - because Malia had to baby-sit bunk with Poachly Clubfood-Unclewho, there are two maritime-law-abiding ex-yachties named Hannah and Kiko who'll be enjoying some ice-cold schadenfreude. Thank you.

 

 

Edited September 8, 2020 by heavysnaxx

[Kiss my mutt]

Wonder if Jess’s heart palpitations have to do with her losing her hold on Rob. 

[SuprSuprElevated]

Am I the only one that thinks Jess resembles Megan Fox?  Has this been mentioned?  If so, I missed it.

Edited September 8, 2020 by SuprSuprElevated

[Lady of nod]

This is the most boring crew ever on this show. I didn't sign up for the love boat. Poor Aesha is trapped in a snooze fest of tiresome people. The only one who has any sense of humor is Alex. 

 

[azprimadonna]

Ok I am old and I was once told that I was a lot of fun when I was drunk, but I can't imagine getting so drunk that I would pay to go on  a luxury cruise and ask my spouse to pee on me in public (or anywhere, for that matter), pee over the railing in front of cameras, or molest the staff of my yacht by laying on them.  I guess I am no fun anymore.

[Jack Sampson]

BP of 154/102 and 112 pulse AFTER a hot shower?  Jess, get on some completely legally prescribed and registered with Sandy meds...soon. 

[pasdetrois]

Someone referred to Jess and Rob and "Brad and Angie." It was part of the night-out conversation. That made me laugh because these two idiots' endless bickering, soulful gazes, etc. are similar to that wretched move that B&A made.

[RoseAllDay]

I did a very quick check-in last night, even though I swore I was done...just can’t help myself. And yup, I should have known better.

I tuned in just in time to see Cap’n Care and Concern (trademark pending), parked somewhere inside, tell Malia to have Jess, who was having an apparent heart issue, to COME AND SEE HER.

Wait...wut??? This...from a heart attack survivor? Get. Out.

I have had heart palpitations (tachycardia), and they are no joke. You can think you are dying, they can be that bad. At least Sandy thought enough to take Jess’s blood pressure (probably saw it as a chance to make it all about her with the spin class story). I had to switch off at that point, so I hope at least they sent Jess onshore for a check, or let her get some rest. This could have come from stress and/or anxiety (nah, what am I thinking — not on that boat), exhaustion —  or an underlying issue.

If that didn’t say it all about Sandy, her fake empathy, and her leadership skills...I don’t know what will. Woman never disappoints. 

[Lassus]

6 hours ago, Lady of nod said:

Poor Aesha is trapped in a snooze fest of tiresome people. The only one who has any sense of humor is Alex. 

While I agree the boat is boring, Aesha's ideas of what constitutes humor are not entirely empirical.  Or funny.

[Lassus]

10 hours ago, nytonc said:

Malia chastizes Rob? for kissing his girlfriend instead of tending to the "disaster" condition of the boat...

...5 minutes after she was in the galley, kissing her boyfriend, while NOT attending to the boat that was in bad shape.

 

9 hours ago, ihartcoffee said:

Malia is still a twat. 

I don't know that "Devil's Advocate" really qualifies here, but I'll retain my role as bewildered anti-anti-Malia.  Malia gave Rob a task for which he not only overslept, but then knowing he overslept, didn't bother actually doing the task and instead was snogging with his girl.  I'd need to re-watch, but I recall that Malia got up on time for her work, futzed for three or fewer minutes good morning-ing her boy, and then went to work, on time.  As far as being a "twat", her chastisement of Rob was both on-point and fully respectful.

The internet is so weird.

[psychoticstate]

While I do agree that Malia was right to chastise Rob for not doing his job, she's still a twat.  Major twat move on her part to be badmouthing Rob to Bugsy.  She shouldn't have done it at all, much less before she even spoke to Rob about it.  So good on Rob for calling her out on that.  

Aesha's idea of fun doesn't appeal to me either.  Of course, I also wouldn't like to go out in a group that is all coupled up except for me.  No, thanks.  

Aesha didn't bother me as much her last season but for some reason, this season, her voice always sounding as if she's on the verge of hysterical laughter annoys me.

I found Johnny Damon and his wife disgusting.  I've never understood on any of these BDs why anyone would pay so much money for a vacation and then spend it fall down drunk.  Can't you do that at home?  And holding a crew member down, climbing on top of them and pouring alcohol down their throats is NOT funny.   Maybe Aesha should have checked out of the crew and left with the Damon party.

Seems to me that Jess was having a panic attack.  Even so, she probably should have been taken to a doctor or medical center ASAP to make sure she was okay.  Funny how Sandy can leave the bridge to hide in the corners of the galley to spy on Kiko and interrogate guests about every aspects of their meal but can't be bothered to leave when one of her crew members is having heart palpitations.  

Sandy and Malia continue to be the worst.  

[Kiki777]

Alex continues to be adorable- he was so nice to Rob about the oversleeping incident, while I would have been tempted to throw his useless emo ass overboard.

[GirlInFlux]

I had to laugh out loud at Aesha and Jess’ convo about boat romances. Jess asks Aesha if she was at the I love you stage during her last boat relationship and Aesha laughed and said “of course, not! We’re on the boat for like six weeks!”. Cut to the confessional and Jess is like “That’s probably why you don’t have a boyfriend.” Yes, Jess. She’s single because she doesn’t fall head over heels within two weeks of meeting some clown she will only spend six weeks with.

The whole Jess/Rob thing is super annoying. They’re both melodramatic and acting like this relationship is long term and they’re encountering all of these problems. Jess is super threatened by Aesha for whatever reason. At least with Bugsy’s leadership Jess is performing better at her job, but Rob is just bumbling around like a fool. 
 

At least Bugsy finally caved to Alex. He seems really sweet and genuine. Bugsy is different, but there is someone for everyone.

[Mr. Miner]

Hey Rob! Toughen up Buttercup! He is annoying AF!

[Lassus]

Alex has a bro thing going with Rob, which is nice and all, but it has also caused him to take Rob's side in his emo opera queen stance against Jess.  I mean, both Jess and Rob and super-annoying, but Rob isn't exactly covering himself in glory here.  Alex just taking his side by default is too much Boston Bro for me.

16 minutes ago, psychoticstate said:

Major twat move on her part to be badmouthing Rob to Bugsy.  She shouldn't have done it at all, much less before she even spoke to Rob about it.  So good on Rob for calling her out on that.  

I grok that argument, but remember, this is Bravo reality television, not reality.  They have been explicitly told to talk to everyone about everyone else in front of the cameras.  Malia doing so here is simply what everyone in the cast has done to everyone else in the cast.  It's on-brand for the people you like as well as Malia.

[Jsage]

Where was Sandy's chastisement of Tom for sending out a dish that wasn't well done enough? If Kiko was still here, she would have excused herself from the table right then and there to go yell at him.

[Jack Sampson]

Aesha is crude and her voice makes me want to shove a pencil in my ears but I'd rather be around her energy and enthusiasm.  I can't imagine being stuck on a boat with people like Jess and Rob.

[Lassus]

8 minutes ago, Jack Sampson said:

Aesha is crude and her voice makes me want to shove a pencil in my ears but I'd rather be around her energy and enthusiasm.  I can't imagine being stuck on a boat with people like Jess and Rob.

I was agreeing with this until I realized that Jess and Rob would be super-easy to ignore.  Aesha's overheating-drill-bit-imitating-a-Valley-Girl-cat-in-heat-telling-dirty-jokes voice is not.

[Baltimore Betty]

1 hour ago, psychoticstate said:

And holding a crew member down, climbing on top of them and pouring alcohol down their throats is NOT funny. 

I was surprised that a crew member would be in that mix of people and not waiting in a different area while the guests made asses out of themselves.  If a man had climbed on top of Aesha he would have been dragged off that boat and vilified.

Johnny Damon used to be a bit of a heart throb, I saw him play with the Royals and everyone was hot on his trail but to see him now with a man bun and a gut, I'll pass.  

Bugsy has been abusing accessories the whole season, it has got to stop she looks so stupid.  At the crew dinner it look like she fell head first in to an xmas tree.  It is too much stuff on her head and face!

[featherhead]

Another Pete sighting. I keep forgetting that he is still there.

[LaLaLaLa]

13 hours ago, Emmeline said:

Did Malia just radio Captain Sandy and say Jess is having heart palpitations and Sandy said tell her to come see me?!?  What the heck!  

In her defense, Cap'n Sandy probably realizes that Jess is an attention whore and she wasn't in danger.

[LaLaLaLa]

13 hours ago, chenoa333 said:

I smell a fake relationship with Aesha and Rob brewing just to bring fake drama between Jessica and Rob. 

Bravo should just pay me to write the scripts. 😀

I don't think Rob and Jess need any fake drama. Malia's boyfriend nailed it when he said Jess only likes him for his model looks...she is too shallow for anything else.

[RoseAllDay]

35 minutes ago, LaLaLaLa said:

In her defense, Cap'n Sandy probably realizes that Jess is an attention whore and she wasn't in danger.

Dunno. That was a pretty damn high blood pressure and heart rate. In any case, Jess should have to maybe track her BP and HR for a couple weeks, and get meds  (fully compliant with maritime law, of course) if they stay that high or just out of normal range.

 

2 hours ago, Jsage said:

Where was Sandy's chastisement of Tom for sending out a dish that wasn't well done enough? If Kiko was still here, she would have excused herself from the table right then and there to go yell at him.

Sandy likes Malia, so by extension Sandy likes Tom. Therefore, he can do no wrong. That is how she rolls — that was obvious to me from when Tom first set foot on the boat. And if she does get guest complaints, she’ll probably tell Tom they are just being picky and not to worry about it.

[Lassus]

Let's not also forget that Damon was so drunk he couldn't complete a sentence and could barely speak at all when he was talking about the steak, which may have had something to do with Sandy's lack of hysterical reaction.

[ihartcoffee]

3 hours ago, Lassus said:

 

I don't know that "Devil's Advocate" really qualifies here, but I'll retain my role as bewildered anti-anti-Malia.  Malia gave Rob a task for which he not only overslept, but then knowing he overslept, didn't bother actually doing the task and instead was snogging with his girl.  I'd need to re-watch, but I recall that Malia got up on time for her work, futzed for three or fewer minutes good morning-ing her boy, and then went to work, on time.  As far as being a "twat", her chastisement of Rob was both on-point and fully respectful.

The internet is so weird.

If your team Malia that's fine.  No hard feelings.  

I just think she's a twat based on some of her snake like behavior and running to Sandy over things she should be able to handle.  

Hannah was not perfect,  but she got little to no  support from Sandy when Lara acted so insubordinate.  She was told to find ways to fix it. Malia comes whining that the guys are calling her sweetheart and Sandy goes defcon 5 on the deck hands.  No, what have you done to stop it, just immediately calls a meeting.  

 Sure, she goes to work like she is supposed to, but she's still a back stabber. Who's calling for unity in her team.... lmao. Who wants to bet they are all scared to cross her or chef Tom?  It was the chief stew's job to do cabin assignments,  they all saw how she changed that with a tantrum to Sandy and some pics of her roommates personal belongings.  

[ihartcoffee]

12 hours ago, SuprSuprElevated said:

Am I the only one that thinks Jess resembles Megan Fox?  Has this been mentioned?  If so, I missed it.

She kind of does,  but she's much bigger than Fox to me. Not in a bad way,  just taller and more voluptuous. 

 

[SuprSuprElevated]

15 minutes ago, ihartcoffee said:

She kind of does,  but she's much bigger than Fox to me. Not in a bad way,  just taller and more voluptuous. 

 

Yeah, I was speaking more facially/coloring, etc.

Edited September 8, 2020 by SuprSuprElevated

[Lassus]

1 hour ago, ihartcoffee said:

If your team Malia that's fine.  No hard feelings.

I'm really not so much TEAM Malia, she certainly has her faults and problems.  Her role in the Hannah thing was a mess (although Hannah was more than ready to go, that was pretty obvious).  I just find the negative reactions to her simply over the top on this board.  I mean, people were spiteful that she dove in the water to retrieve a guest who had tipped off a jet-ski, and that she dared to... help a guest who had cut their hand.  

[ihartcoffee]

43 minutes ago, Lassus said:

I'm really not so much TEAM Malia, she certainly has her faults and problems.  Her role in the Hannah thing was a mess (although Hannah was more than ready to go, that was pretty obvious).  I just find the negative reactions to her simply over the top on this board.  I mean, people were spiteful that she dove in the water to retrieve a guest who had tipped off a jet-ski, and that she dared to... help a guest who had cut their hand.  

If you find the hate on this board shocking,  Twitter is worse. I'm not an IG user, but she shut down comments on her profile there due to all the negative ones.  She's pretty disliked for the way she's handled things.  

There's also plenty of Hannah haters glad to see her go.  I don't care she left the show,  but as someone who has suffered with anxiety and panic attacks in my life I found the way it was handled was disappointing and disturbing.... to say the least.  Hannah was moving into a new phase in her life,  don't treat her like shit after this many years.  Just MHO though.  

[oakville]

2 hours ago, Lassus said:

Let's not also forget that Damon was so drunk he couldn't complete a sentence and could barely speak at all when he was talking about the steak, which may have had something to do with Sandy's lack of hysterical reaction.

It's so sad for baseball fans to see Damon be so drunk on the cruise. He was striking out when trying to hit rocks off the boat. I thought he was going to pass out in his steak dish. He shouldn't fondle his wife's breasts in public.

[Lassus]

1 hour ago, ihartcoffee said:

If you find the hate on this board shocking

Well, I didn't say it was SHOCKING.  😉

[chenoa333]

16 hours ago, SuprSuprElevated said:

Am I the only one that thinks Jess resembles Megan Fox?  Has this been mentioned?  If so, I missed it.

I'm getting a younger, less plastic version of Angelina Jolie. I know Jess has lip fillers but nevertheless, that's who jess reminds me of.