Season 6 Discussion

[guilfoyleatpp]

Dear Kolini,

You are NOT the father.

Sincerely,

Maury Povitch

[islandgal140]

Eric doesn't think his future-in-laws are aware of his "Spartan Life." I bet as soon as he tries to split a cheesesteak 7 ways, they might get a clue. 

I've come to the conclusion that I don't like Leida. 

Jay's dad has about the most disgusting nickname I think I have ever heard. Skinz because he gets tons of pussy, and no that doesn't mean Colt's cat Baby Girl, who I know has far too a discerning palate to lower herself with Skinz. 

Jay experiencing cold weather for the first time was funny.

The best comparison I read of Asuleu was that he was essentially ELF - but Samoan.

There is not a scintilla of guile or deceitfulness about Asuleu. 

I really hate that Kalani sits there like a big pile of hair and doesn't try to defend or stand up for him. She really is like Chantel. She feeds her family all this shit about him and sits back and acts like a put upon victim stuck in the middle when she put herself and Asuleu in that position to begin with. 

Edited November 5, 2018 by islandgal140

[Spike]

Big pile of hair lol.  Kalini is Cousin It?

[Toaster Strudel]

Colty introduces the Sister Wives

At the airport, Larissa receives a hug that reminded me of two magnets coming together with the same poles facing and quickly repelling each other.

• Larissa: I can't survive here (fanning herself in the non-air-conditioned hoopty)
• Colt: (With suppressed aggravation) Honey I need you to stop, okay?
• Larissa: (smiling) I love you, what's the matter?
• Colt: (coldly) I love you too. I appreciate you saying that. I just want to go home and enjoy time with you (aka make a semen deposit)

He's whining about getting home quickly but she's the one with the 24 hour flight. What a dork. He's psychic, though: "the largest barrier for us will be to learn living with my first wife." That's polygamy for you. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Larissa enters their spartan, joyless house of dysfunction. Colt's first wife Debbie asks: "What do you think of Las Vegas?" Colt guffaws manically, and in a display of allegiance to Debbie, sets up Larissa for failure: "Ask HER!!!!" he sneers patronizingly, wasting no time to throw Larissa under the bus. The whole house "decor" is like that of a couple of summer student who are just there for a few months, and have invested zero time in making it a home - because they'll soon be gone. There is no sofa, only a couple of creepy, serial killer snowmen that will be telekinetically set off by Debbie to butcher Larissa in her sleep. The dining room is a small table from the late sixties, a corny old lady table cloth, a junky eyesore of a slot machine, and broken electronic equipment on the kitchen counter.

Colt brazenly lies too, and tries to impress Larissa with how considerate and generous he is (when he is clearly neither), telling her that the house was deliberately kept empty so that she can pick a couch that she likes. As long as it's beige corduroy and under $50! Suddenly he spies Debbie's discomfited face, and gives himself away when he feels forced to add that Larissa is in fact going to pick her dream craigslist couch with Debbie...and perhaps realizing he just screwed up, also adds "and with me! All of us!" He looked at Larissa slyly, maybe to check if she fell for his transparent ploy.

Also lying like a pro, Debbie cries out "I'm so happy!" when her body language is shouting "I'm so depressed! Go back to Brazil, you undeserving ho." She uses her hands to dry her tears: palms, back of hands, and palms again, like skin is absorbent or something. Colt gives Mother a long, full body hug, as she nuzzles her face on his bosom, and he leans to give a tender kiss on her liver-spotted forehead.

Like me, Larissa is smiling at Debbie's dramatic and effective manipulation tactic; hopefully Larissa is picking up a few tips from Wife #1. "My mother and I have had OUR THING going so many years, now Larissa is here, but it's good." He doesn't sound all that sure that Larissa is a good thing, compared to that thing with Mother.

He gives Larissa a house tour. "So we have stairs... and a bathroom." A tiny bathroom that she'll share with her mother in law, two people that leave a mess of accessories on the counter, and cat litter on the floor. "This is our room" he continues, as she looks around Colt's bare, white walled dungeon.

As they previously discussed, Colt and Debbie sit close together at the table, and Larissa the unwelcome third wheel sits alone on the other side. Unwisely, Debbie asks Larissa what she thinks of their depressing, soul-sucking house of co-dependency, expecting undeserved compliments, like Larissa used to live in a mud hut that she had to rebuild every time it rained. Well, you're on notice: Larissa wants better, and she wants a pool. Mother mumbles more lies: "I block everything so you can decorate any way you want, I want to make you feel like it's your house." As she mouths off these words she doesn't mean, but feels obliged to say, he eyes swell with tears. We all know it's not decorated because they are misers and have zero taste and no concept of "home sweet home."

"Excellent!" joyfully thinks Larissa, let's first get rid of that off-putting, misplaced eyesore of a slot machine. She walks right into the trap. Again ganging up against her with his first wive, he announces sternly, as in a big FU: "My dad bought it for her." Larissa backtracks, and Colt doubles down and defends the abomination, revealing his own pathetic lack of taste: "it's cute, it's a toy, it's nice!" No Colt, it's an ugly piece of rubbish, move it up to Mother's bedroom if she's so attached to it.

Colt changes the subject, hoping perhaps to impress Larissa with his first wife's culinary talents, "You making dinner?". "It's ready!" she crows. "What did you cook, Debbie?" asks Larissa, hoping that if rat poison is an ingredient, Debbie might accidentally reveal it. "Bith phtew" announces the toothless crone. "When I'm hungry, I'll eat" Larissa decides. "You can have something else, you don't have to have that" offers Debbie, I'll put the phtew in the refrigerator." She looks down on the ground, her hatred for Larissa congealing like a hard mass of tallow over the rebuffing of the phtew. It was the right decision: the next day, Colt, with what looks like a toothpick, picks out the phtew out of a ramekin he keeps lifted up close to his mouth, grabbed in his fist. It looks like eyeballs in brown slime.

"I don't think I should have said anything about anything" weeps Debbie, missing the point that she should have moved out years ago and gotten her own place instead; and if it's Colt still living with mother, then he should have packed and left.

We see Colt ambling down the stairs with all the gracefulness of Frankenstein. "It was a disaster, one could say."

Debbie soon tries to rile up Colt against Larissa, calling her "not very nice, selfish, demanding" and lays out every trivial grievance at Colt's feet. To his credit, he's not biting much, and defends Larissa. Debbie refers to the house as HER HOUSE. Well, well, well! There goes all that fakery about making it Larissa's home. "Unless she changes, there's not gonna be a future for either one of them here."

When Larissa comes out of sulking in Colt's room, she makes breakfast, good-naturedly owning up to catfishing Colt about her culinary talents. Debbie comes down to eat, and lays down the rules of the game. The winner is the woman who debases herself the most to please Colt's every whim. He must have bacon and eggs for breakfast! He doesn't like bread! If he's got a favorite dish, then you'll have to learn it from me! But of course Larissa's versions of the dish will never be quite as good as that of dear mamma, and we viewers know that Colt isn't averse to bread after we've watched him rage-eat a colossal croissant.

Prognosis: a few months after the green card comes in. Colt's "high sex drive" is going to be a liability, not an asset. I trust that unlike other 90daytestants, Larissa knows how to use birth control, and that's a relief.

[LennieBriscoe]

Demmit,  I fell asleep!

Mother Colt has no furniture in order to let Larissa decorate? Yeah,  no.  Dolt is,  as he and we have established, cheap! But MC has her hankie at the ready,  because  "there's no future here for them!" Sonny has the mild voice of a serial killer. 

Russian Baby Mama Olga resembles Anfisa, but with smaller facial features. Little Steven Not Van Zant seems like his heart is in the right place. 

Jonathan's Friend is a fast-talking Beeyotch. Don't confide in her, Fernanda!

I finally figured out what is off-kilter to me about Asuelu the Innocent: his eyes.  Sometimes it's like they "roll" by themselves, or stay "here" when his face moves "there." Also,  he IS too young! In general, Asuelu  is  a major fish out of water. Don't cry, Asuelu! You are too kind for our world!

Could Eric the Old and Poor have at least washed and combed his hair to greet "the in-laws"?

Seems like a common problem for the guests is the American cars! Need AC,  need heat,  and need not to go over curbs!

One final observation:

Nobody puts Babygirl in a closet!

Edited November 5, 2018 by LennieBriscoe

[endure]

Asuelu these people, they’re not like you, please go back to Samwa and stay your happy loving self. But now you are bonding with your son, you may need to take Kalani and your baby boy back with you. Get away from her delusional sister she thinks she’s the baby’s Daddy and your father in law is threatening  you, please don’t stay here.

[millennium]

Why hasn't some modeling agency poached Fernanda from this show already?  

Fernanda appears to have no guile, no hidden scheme, no skeleton in her closet, just hangers, lots of hangers.   Apparently the extent of her sinister plan is to come to the United States and be gorgeous.  Why is she with Anthony Weiner?   Could she possibly truly love him?  I don't get that at all.

Steve and Olga are pretty one-dimensional.   Our story: we're screwed.   Steve's a stand-up guy but still a kid.  Unless Olga is participating in a secret reciprocity contract where she must furnish a replacement orphan to the orphanage that raised her, I can't see any gripping story here.   By the way, how do you say Target in Russian?

Scenes with Colt and Debbie, both in shapeless tops hiding saggy boobs, made me think of those "We can't stop you from becoming your parents ..." commercial.

Tense scene at Casa Kalani.   Captain Lou Albano wastes no time: "Food ready?  Let's eat."   Everyone being quiet and afraid.  To amuse myself, I had to imagine dialogue:

Captain Lou:  "Why don't you put on a pair of pants, Asuelo?  We wear pants in America.   What's you're wearing just isn't right."

Asuelo:  No, it's sarong.

The Eric-Leida story is the trainwreck of this season.  I suspect Eric will expose himself as a first-class jerk to Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea.   He is LYING through his teeth to this girl and her family.   He has been lying since day one about his financial situation.  Reina looks on like a Greek chorus that just got handed a food court cheese steak sandwich.  The tragedy has just begun.

I don't like the Jay-maican guy but I had to laugh when he plopped onto the carpet and tried to make a snow angel.   What's with Erica's magic dark roots?  In one apartment scene, they're about a quarter inch, in the next, like an inch and a half.   The decor felt like a behavioral experiment with not-so-subliminal messaging like FAMILY and LOVE.   Erica might want to add DON'T SCREW AROUND BEHIND MY BACK.

Edited November 5, 2018 by millennium

[Kangatush]

Thus far I like 4 people on the show.  This seems high, given past experiences, I'll have to wait and see.

Fernanda and Asuelu:  Both are coming across as genuine and being here for the right reasons.  They seem to honestly hope to build good relationships.

Olga:  She seems on the ball, and doing her best to figure out how to be a good parent.

Mother Kalani:  She's the only one in the family who seems open to giving Asuelu a chance to prove himself before condemning him.

[Alonzo Mosely FBI]

Alas, I am akin to Auselo I've been living innocently on a happy island of gentle breezes in my windowless FBI lab where I do not get why "skinnz" refers to numbers of sexual conquests. Lil' help? 

[Gobi]

8 hours ago, Drogo said:

Sorry Debbie, but Coltie's new favorite breakfast food is vagina.

The breakfast of champions.

[zenme]

7 hours ago, Jeanclaudvanbuns said:

I'm surprised Coltie doesn't call Debbie mother. Poor Asuelo, he seems so sweet and innocent and with a good heart. Not a fan of Olga and sleezy Steve, so boring.  

But Coltie does call her "mother."

[Chalby]

On 11/2/2018 at 6:11 PM, Rdh1314 said:

Ewwwwww.

I agree - If I saw him online, it would be an immediate creep alert. (Plus, I get jealous if my man has bigger breasts than me). I will admit he maintains his 'cool' with that idiot fiance, and I am pretty sure he doesn't actually 'love' her, he simply fell into 'lust' because she was his first sexual experience.

On 11/3/2018 at 6:33 PM, queenjen said:

It'll be interesting to see how this unfolds. I'm especially curious as to whether Kalani and Kalini are educated or have careers. Kalani has made some stupid errors speaking, she does seem to struggle a bit with expressing herself (see meeting with sister over the lie about Asuelu cheating). And now she's pissed at her 'edit'. 

It annoys the hell out of me that this family can't even pronounce Samoa, properly. Then again, he came to the USA at 12 so I am sure that dictation wasn't the first of his worries.

[Stacee]

Though I still think they're creepy this episode had me feeling bad for Mother and Norman  Colt. The slot machine is a bit tacky sitting on its own but with the right decor it could actually look fun and add whimsy to a room.  Larissa is awful. She's a new guest in someone's home and couldnt even wait a day to offer her shitty opinion. That flag couldn't be redder if it tried.

Asuelo seems too sweet for this bunch who will never ever think he's good enough for the virgin mother Kaloni. He should run back to SamWAH as fast as he can. 

Edited November 5, 2018 by Stacee

[PityFree]

1 hour ago, Alonzo Mosely FBI said:

Alas, I am akin to Auselo I've been living innocently on a happy island of gentle breezes in my windowless FBI lab where I do not get why "skinnz" refers to numbers of sexual conquests. Lil' help? 

 My guess is that it refers to the number of times he’s “broken a Hymen.”

[Chalby]

On 10/31/2018 at 10:31 AM, LocalGovt said:

I was under the impression that Ansuelo was not present for the baby's birth, and that this was the first time he met him, face to face. Am I mistaken?

I got the same impression - Skype was the closest they got prior., I don't know about anyone else, but Asuelo has a high-pitched, woman's voice that would be at home on a Seinfeld episode. It would drive me nuts. (Also - to  Jene4 who joked " I have no doubt Colt snatched up that old slot machine and told mom can you believe some casino was getting rid of a perfectly good slot machine?!? " Both son and 'mother' stated solemnly it was a gift from his Dad (to mom). ) Of course, I would be on alert as soon as someone refers to their mom as "Mother". Too Norman Bates for my liking.

[Baltimore Betty]

9 hours ago, Chalby said:

I feel the opposite - more hope for the Russian couple and less for Mr. Jamaica. I question a poor son whose only trait to brag about, is his Dad's ability to bed women. The fact that 'bedding lots of women' results in 'lots of respect' for his Dad, tells me this family is low class.

That whole scenario skeeves me out. 

Jay holds that behavior in esteem.  I have a hard time believing Jay will be a good husband let alone a good role model for Ashley's children.  Jay will be very frustrated living in the US, first of all at twenty years old he will not be able to drink, legally and he will be stuck at home with the kids while Ashley is at work...wait, this sounds so familiar.  Maybe Jay will do tattoo's in Ashley's garage for the neighbors, you know just on the women and just boob tattoo's.

[shannew]

I need to see what mansion queen Larissa lived in before coming to America.

[poeticlicensed]

If parents Leida are so loaded, then why wouldn't they and Leida do with many rich people from other countries do and invest in purchasing a place for Leida to live? Why is leida so bent out of shape about what amounts to a few hundred dollars a month in CS if she is rolling in dough? It really bugs me that someone so rich and successful doesn't bring any assets to the table and expects to be taken care of financially? After all isn't she an actress, model slash doctor? 

[greekmom]

9 hours ago, Ijustwantsomechips said:

 Mom and Coltee are weird as fuck, but Debbie did seem genuinely happy to meet her.  She repays the woman by insulting her car, city, home, cooking, and memory of her late husband.  Way to go bitch!  I’d send her and her ginormous gums packing. 

 

I'm sorry I have to disagree with you.  In my opinion Mommy Dolt was ready to protect her territory, her man (Dolt) and her place in that home.  Clearly, she has issues.

[Cementhead]

Granted, I only watched the first hour so things may have changed in hour 2, but am I wrong in thinking that this is the saddest season of this show yet?  And by saddest, I actually really do mean saddest in the truest sense, not in the sarcastic sense, (for the first time ever.)  Between Mother crying and Asuelu crying and Fernanda crying, thus in turn, me crying, I was all "what is happening?"  Why am I crying watching 90DF?!  Should I not be laughing??  The sad couchless condo, Baby Girl hiding in the closet, Jay bidding farewell to his beloved Father; the Island Pussy King, the saddest looking philly cheese steak sandwich there ever was to be divided ripped-torn-shredded between 4 people WITH THEIR HANDS (!!!)  I was with Leida on that one.  Gurl, I don't like to get my hands all dirty and messy with food either, so you do you, girlfriend.  What are we, ANIMALS? 

SAD.

[millennium]

1 hour ago, Kangatush said:

Thus far I like 4 people on the show.  This seems high, given past experiences, I'll have to wait and see.

 

This season the number of people who seem genuine is alarmingly disproportionate to those who seem nefarious.   The whole show could go to hell if most of them are likeable and well-adjusted.

[Granny58]

9 hours ago, Ijustwantsomechips said:

RAD

??

8 hours ago, Toaster Strudel said:

Miss Escaped Mental Patient Indonesia 2009

LOL

[Baltimore Betty]

I have never seen less chemistry than between any of these couples than between Vegas Baby and Larissa and Cheap Wisconsin Guy and Leida. 

No matter what, these couples will force it and get married which will be fraught with screaming, crying, the overuse of the word "culture," rather than admit it is not going to work and go back to their neutral corners of the world.

Leida needs to stop it with how she does not like the child support issue, Wisconsin guy is legally bound to pay until the child is 18.  I'm pretty sure that in Maryland if you default on child support I think you cannot get your car registration or drivers license renewed and that may be true in Wisconsin too. One more reason I do not believe that anyone of these couples actually get down to brass tacks about important matters before they profess their love for each other (on the second skype call, lol).  

Slot machine...lol...like that is the least of Larissa's worries.  That house looked like a rental situation, no sofa? That is odd unless the producers hands are in it.  Larissa should be concerned about the litter box in the bathroom and the fact it looked like they all shared that bathroom.  

Why do none of these people make it the least bit welcoming for the foreign fiances?  Vegas guy could have gotten a hotel room for them for a night or two and shown Larissa the Vegas she has seen in the movies because that is very much what you see when you go to the strip, bright lights, crowds of people, the fountains at the Bellagio, all that stuff.  He could take her to Red Rock Canyon for a day but no, Vegas Guy has no game, no idea how to woo or even entertain an out of towner.  He makes me mad.

[lucy711]

Kalani intrigues me.  She acts like she is 16, and her family treats her that way.  Does this woman have a job and live on her own?  She seems very dependent on her family.

I'm not a fan of the decor in Colt's house either.  Large snowmen and slot machines don't do it for me. But it was nothing short of rude and tacky for Larissa to say that a few minutes after walking in the door.  She must really need a green card and Colt must really need sex.

Leida is fast becoming one of my least favorite people to appear on this show.  It seems like in Indonesia, Alessandro was raised by a nanny, Leida's sister, and Leida's parents...in other words, everyone but Leida.  I vote to keep her in the states married to Mr. Eyebags and send Alessandro back to Jakarta with the family who loves him!

[poeticlicensed]

They should retitle this show to "how much shit will foreigners put up with to get a green card?"

Enter Larissa who is all in to be in the US. Otherwise she would have left the moment Coltee picked her up in the no ac car and brought her home to mother. What crap won't she take? I suppose we are going to find out. 

I think Fernanda thinks she loves bro dude, but she is just young and stupid. She needs to go home to her family and friends. 

I still haven't figured out Leida's game. Surely she can't love baggy eyes. 

Olga wants a better life for she and her child. Unfortunately she hooked up with what is probably the worst candidate for security and a better life. 

I think Asuelo wants to do the the right thing, but I think he would have been just as happy of Kalani came to live with him in Samwa. I feel sorry for him. His life will be never-ending shit from her family and she in incapable or unwilling to draw the line with them.

[AZChristian]

20 minutes ago, Cementhead said:

.  . .  the saddest looking philly cheese steak sandwich there ever was to be divided ripped-torn-shredded between 4 people WITH THEIR HANDS (!!!)  I was with Leida on that one.  Gurl, I don't like to get my hands all dirty and messy with food either, so you do you, girlfriend.  What are we, ANIMALS?

I just saw the cheesesteak scene for the first time last night.  Here's my question:  There were THREE adults at that table, two of whom appeared to be unhappy about pulling off chunks of the sandwich to eat.  Couldn't they look around and see that plastic forks, knives and paper plates were being used by other people around them?  There are - in Jakarta - food courts in shopping malls . . . and "rich" people there would certainly know where they are.

[Baltimore Betty]

15 minutes ago, poeticlicensed said:

If parents Leida are so loaded, then why wouldn't they and Leida do with many rich people from other countries do and invest in purchasing a place for Leida to live? Why is leida so bent out of shape about what amounts to a few hundred dollars a month in CS if she is rolling in dough? It really bugs me that someone so rich and successful doesn't bring any assets to the table and expects to be taken care of financially? After all isn't she an actress, model slash doctor? 

1000% @poeticlicensed! 1000%.

I'm laughing at the cheesesteak scene, no napkins, no drinks (not even a large coke with 4 straws), no way.  He could have made it fun and taken them to the original Pat's, Geno's or Tony Lukes, they are touristy icons. Reading Terminal is a very interesting place to walk around and see all the stalls, they even have a beer garden! I hope he got his parking garage ticket validated or leaves before the free two hours are up.  He could take them to the Liberty Bell and walk around the Old City, tons of stuff for kids in Philadelphia to do but I am sure it did not occur to him or he did not want to pay admission to anything. 

We all know the topic of fights these two will have.  

Reina is very honest, she was hilarious calling out her sister when she said if Leida does not get what she wants she becomes annoying but then again, we all saw it.  

[Granny58]

1 hour ago, Gobi said:

1 hour ago, PityFree said:

 My guess is that it refers to the number of times he’s “broken a Hymen.”

Thanks.  I didn't get it either. 

[Alonzo Mosely FBI]

1 hour ago, PityFree said:

 My guess is that it refers to the number of times he’s “broken a Hymen.”

Huh. I guess I needed to better prepare myself for this info before breakfast lol

[Stacee]

Eric seems to be more attracted to the money Leela's folks have than he is to Leela. There doesn't seem to be any chemistry there (that I can see); Leela comes off as a spoiled and entitled which makes me wonder why did she pick Eric? He's broke, is out of stock in the looks department and seems to have the personality of a wet blanket. Mr Prince is also talking about kicking his daughter out so he can move in his new boo and child.

And I wonder if Princess Leela would be so cavalier about child support if she did not have her family's supposed money to help her...? What a hag.

[Baltimore Betty]

7 hours ago, Toaster Strudel said:

Colty introduces the Sister Wives

At the airport, Larissa receives a hug that reminded me of two magnets coming together with the same poles facing and quickly repelling each other.

• Larissa: I can't survive here (fanning herself in the non-air-conditioned hoopty)
• Colt: (With suppressed aggravation) Honey I need you to stop, okay?
• Larissa: (smiling) I love you, what's the matter?
• Colt: (coldly) I love you too. I appreciate you saying that. I just want to go home and enjoy time with you (aka make a semen deposit)

He's whining about getting home quickly but she's the one with the 24 hour flight. What a dork. He's psychic, though: "the largest barrier for us will be to learn living with my first wife." That's polygamy for you. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Larissa enters their spartan, joyless house of dysfunction. Colt's first wife Debbie asks: "What do you think of Las Vegas?" Colt guffaws manically, and in a display of allegiance to Debbie, sets up Larissa for failure: "Ask HER!!!!" he sneers patronizingly, wasting no time to throw Larissa under the bus. The whole house "decor" is like that of a couple of summer student who are just there for a few months, and have invested zero time in making it a home - because they'll soon be gone. There is no sofa, only a couple of creepy, serial killer snowmen that will be telekinetically set off by Debbie to butcher Larissa in her sleep. The dining room is a small table from the late sixties, a corny old lady table cloth, a junky eyesore of a slot machine, and broken electronic equipment on the kitchen counter.

Colt brazenly lies too, and tries to impress Larissa with how considerate and generous he is (when he is clearly neither), telling her that the house was deliberately kept empty so that she can pick a couch that she likes. As long as it's beige corduroy and under $50! Suddenly he spies Debbie's discomfited face, and gives himself away when he feels forced to add that Larissa is in fact going to pick her dream craigslist couch with Debbie...and perhaps realizing he just screwed up, also adds "and with me! All of us!" He looked at Larissa slyly, maybe to check if she fell for his transparent ploy.

Also lying like a pro, Debbie cries out "I'm so happy!" when her body language is shouting "I'm so depressed! Go back to Brazil, you undeserving ho." She uses her hands to dry her tears: palms, back of hands, and palms again, like skin is absorbent or something. Colt gives Mother a long, full body hug, as she nuzzles her face on his bosom, and he leans to give a tender kiss on her liver-spotted forehead.

Like me, Larissa is smiling at Debbie's dramatic and effective manipulation tactic; hopefully Larissa is picking up a few tips from Wife #1. "My mother and I have had OUR THING going so many years, now Larissa is here, but it's good." He doesn't sound all that sure that Larissa is a good thing, compared to that thing with Mother.

He gives Larissa a house tour. "So we have stairs... and a bathroom." A tiny bathroom that she'll share with her mother in law, two people that leave a mess of accessories on the counter, and cat litter on the floor. "This is our room" he continues, as she looks around Colt's bare, white walled dungeon.

As they previously discussed, Colt and Debbie sit close together at the table, and Larissa the unwelcome third wheel sits alone on the other side. Unwisely, Debbie asks Larissa what she thinks of their depressing, soul-sucking house of co-dependency, expecting undeserved compliments, like Larissa used to live in a mud hut that she had to rebuild every time it rained. Well, you're on notice: Larissa wants better, and she wants a pool. Mother mumbles more lies: "I block everything so you can decorate any way you want, I want to make you feel like it's your house." As she mouths off these words she doesn't mean, but feels obliged to say, he eyes swell with tears. We all know it's not decorated because they are misers and have zero taste and no concept of "home sweet home."

"Excellent!" joyfully thinks Larissa, let's first get rid of that off-putting, misplaced eyesore of a slot machine. She walks right into the trap. Again ganging up against her with his first wive, he announces sternly, as in a big FU: "My dad bought it for her." Larissa backtracks, and Colt doubles down and defends the abomination, revealing his own pathetic lack of taste: "it's cute, it's a toy, it's nice!" No Colt, it's an ugly piece of rubbish, move it up to Mother's bedroom if she's so attached to it.

Colt changes the subject, hoping perhaps to impress Larissa with his first wife's culinary talents, "You making dinner?". "It's ready!" she crows. "What did you cook, Debbie?" asks Larissa, hoping that if rat poison is an ingredient, Debbie might accidentally reveal it. "Bith phtew" announces the toothless crone. "When I'm hungry, I'll eat" Larissa decides. "You can have something else, you don't have to have that" offers Debbie, I'll put the phtew in the refrigerator." She looks down on the ground, her hatred for Larissa congealing like a hard mass of tallow over the rebuffing of the phtew. It was the right decision: the next day, Colt, with what looks like a toothpick, picks out the phtew out of a ramekin he keeps lifted up close to his mouth, grabbed in his fist. It looks like eyeballs in brown slime.

"I don't think I should have said anything about anything" weeps Debbie, missing the point that she should have moved out years ago and gotten her own place instead; and if it's Colt still living with mother, then he should have packed and left.

We see Colt ambling down the stairs with all the gracefulness of Frankenstein. "It was a disaster, one could say."

Debbie soon tries to rile up Colt against Larissa, calling her "not very nice, selfish, demanding" and lays out every trivial grievance at Colt's feet. To his credit, he's not biting much, and defends Larissa. Debbie refers to the house as HER HOUSE. Well, well, well! There goes all that fakery about making it Larissa's home. "Unless she changes, there's not gonna be a future for either one of them here."

When Larissa comes out of sulking in Colt's room, she makes breakfast, good-naturedly owning up to catfishing Colt about her culinary talents. Debbie comes down to eat, and lays down the rules of the game. The winner is the woman who debases herself the most to please Colt's every whim. He must have bacon and eggs for breakfast! He doesn't like bread! If he's got a favorite dish, then you'll have to learn it from me! But of course Larissa's versions of the dish will never be quite as good as that of dear mamma, and we viewers know that Colt isn't averse to bread after we've watched him rage-eat a colossal croissant.

Prognosis: a few months after the green card comes in. Colt's "high sex drive" is going to be a liability, not an asset. I trust that unlike other 90daytestants, Larissa knows how to use birth control, and that's a relief.

OMG, I'm cry laughing (crying as hard as Mother Debbie Downer did when Larissa walked in!) Your post is hilarious and so perfect! Sister Wife, bwahahah!

[Toaster Strudel]

33 minutes ago, millennium said:

This season the number of people who seem genuine is alarmingly disproportionate to those who seem nefarious.   The whole show could go to hell if most of them are likeable and well-adjusted.

And boy was she clear about it when she defiantly declared that it was HER house, towards the end of the show.

Colt brings very little to the table to this marriage. Rather, he brings a lot of serious, worrying handicaps. He's fat and shaped like a giant spindle, has prominent moobs, no fashion sense, is very homely, extraordinarily cheap, and lives with a Motherwife in a small house that reeks of low life motivation and low energy - and he wants lots and lots of sex. He's the total package of NOPE.

She's bringing a hot bod, gorgeous face, a cheerful personality, rocking heels and dresses, use (and overuse, apparently) of her vajayjay, and maybe half of her DNA and rental space in her uterus if they have children. She's light years out of his league.

Larissa seems genuinely willing to make a go at it, but she is making the conditions very clear in order for him to make up for his vast deficiencies. The conditions include a car with AC, a bigger house, a pool, in a better city (probably a long and complicated plane trip away from Debbie, especially after seeing what she's like). If he can provide this, it's going to take enough of the "NOPE" away. Is Larissa being transactional? Of course! But then so was Colt when he dangled a green card and chose a woman for her looks alone out of a catalogue.

[Drogo]

8 minutes ago, Baltimore Betty said:

Coltie and Mommy's Snowman Congregation in Las Vegas reminded me of the time Cher and Tai's friend Summer was inexplicably holding a light-up snowman outside the Val Party, who then had to ride bitch between Summer and Tai because Elton didn't want to take Wilshire to Canon which would turn into Benedict.

That's all I have to say about that.

[SabineElisabeth]

I get the distinct impression that Kalani considers Asuelu good enough to f*ck, but nowhere near good enough to be an equal partner.  However, Kalani must be getting tired of arranging for her various family members to watch her kid taking care of her baby as a single mother, so she decided to follow in the footsteps of Molly from seasons past and bring her boy toy to  the US to be her personal bitch  husband.  News flash, Kalani.... you are not all that.  You are not even close to being all that.  And I have a feeling that your plan of indentured servitude for domestic, wedding bliss with Asuelu is going to go about as well as it did for Molly/Luis.

The other thing from last night's episode that jumped out to me is that Fernanda is way too good for Jonathan.  WAY too good.

Edited November 5, 2018 by SabineElisabeth

[magemaud]

Oh, NOW I get it! Those snowpeople are Colt and Mother. 

[SevenCostanza]

9 hours ago, Toaster Strudel said:

Gyalis Jr & Rode Hard Barbie: These two are a crushing bore. Their segments feel like they go on for an eternity.

They really are, I watch their scenes then read what people are saying about them and I'm like "Who?"  

I get the feeling the producers are trying for a Pedro vs The Family Chantal part 2 with Kalani and Asuelo.   Leave the guy alone he's trying to do the right thing, why all the hostility?

Eric and Leida deserve each other.  Her going on and on about why he shouldn't pay child support really bugs me.   He's no prize either with his stingy ways and the way he treats his daughter.

Colt, Debbie and Larissa not much I can add that hasn't already been said.  They're the couple I'm most interested in so far.  

The two children with no income and very little family support having a child,  there's a reason why I don't watch teen mom shows nothing to snark on here just sadness.

Fernanda and Jonathan, eh.    Did I miss anyone?

[magemaud]

34 minutes ago, Toaster Strudel said:

gorgeous face, a cheerful personality

You lost me at gorgeous and cheerful since I don’t find Larissa to be either one. 

I’m still shaking my head about the awkward airport scene where she harps on the missing flowers and gives him a perfunctory hug without as much as a “hello.” 

[Alonzo Mosely FBI]

 Father Kalani can shove off. Kalani says she doesn't know if she can get married if  they don't approve of Ausuelo??? WTAF this is not 1910 Somoan Downton Abbey YOU ARE FUCKING 30 YRS OLD KALANI. You can just go get married without your parent's permission And guess what? Also? You can even get your hair cut if you want to. 

[JasonH]

I don’t know what’s wrong with Larissa, but after a 24 hour flight, an excursion to see the Las Vegas sights, cruising around in 100+ degree weather in an un-air conditioned car, nothing screams more refreshing than Debbie’s Beef Stew.

[poeticlicensed]

Father Kalani=Captain Lou Albano!

Dying Here!

Eric reminds me of Droopy Dog

 

 

 

[PinkFlamingo]

At the kalani family dinner father kalani starts in with the whole "rules for dating my teenage daughter" spiel. Oh wait - she's 30. Someone should let him/them know. Then sister kalani is shooting daggers the whole time. Too bad aseulo probably didn't know that if his visa didn't get there fast enough the coveted father spot would already be claimed.  Does anyone else know of an aunt that refers to herself as the father? Anyone? ....crickets... How weird. I'm sure there's some Freudian theories to be had here. 

Father Jay and the never ending fist bump/ handshake...   I think the longer the fist bump goes on the cooler you appear on TV. All those women that slept with that guy just agreed to as to put an end to the fist bumping. 

And Debbie.... Just wow. Speaking of Freudian theories - I'm surprised she hasn't managed to overfeed colt to the point that he becomes bed ridden. Then he would never leave her side and she could take care of him all day long and not have to deal with any competition. Colt doesn't like bread in the morning, he likes bacon and eggs. Can colt make his own breakfast decisions? And the weeping for hours at the thought of losing her son to another woman. She can come up with many reasons for the tears but she is lying - I'm so happy, Larissa was rude, etc. We all know what those tears were really about.  I think this one is going to become increasingly uncomfortable to watch as Larissa becomes more dominant and Debbie more desperate to cling onto her son.  

Still waiting for the scene when Jonathan goes out into the backyard and throws a baseball through a tire and then stares off into space while reliving his glory days of baseball a la uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite style. 

[Stacee]

39 minutes ago, magemaud said:

You lost me at gorgeous and cheerful since I don’t find Larissa to be either one. 

Yeah I don't either. I don't find her gorgeous. No I can't say she's ugly but she doesn't have any facial features that really stands out. She looks like she may have just a couple more good years left in her and she will start looking homely. Her personality is pretty shitty too. I think what saves her is even when she says something really nasty, she's learned to smile so it doesn't seem as bad. Kinda like what Sarah Palin does. 

Ashley telling Jay that it's THEIR house. Yikes. Slow down there a little, girlfriend. And she went a little overboard with the block letters spelling something. Even in the bedroom, she had "Mr and Mrs" (or some bullshit) on the wall. That said, at least the home was clean and they put some effort into decorating. 

Fernanda is very pretty. I see it now. She has very nice cheeckbones, great teeth and she dresses very stylishly. She can do way better than Bewbies, a shame she doesn't realize it. How sad that she is getting married in the states for Bewbs fam but no one will be there for her. 

[Brooklynista]

Olga's fridge was scarily empty for a pregnant woman.  

[Stacee]

I like how Kolani's dad keep talking shit about how Asuelo's goal is to come here for a better life like it's a bad thing. Isn't that what he (Kolani's dad) did? I'm sure he met Kolani (in SawWAH), made her get pregnant, made her have his baby all with the thought of getting a green card to America. For some strange reason, Ansuelo doesn't strike me as being bright enough the type to hatch such a long range plan. 

Kalani's dad and people like him fucking bug me. They're the types to use the ladder and then pull it up behind themselves.

[shockermolar]

12 hours ago, Stardancer Supreme said:

Kolini seems to think she should be Oliver's daddy. 

I have a sneaking suspicion that Kolini and May May have really been raising that baby for 5 months.

[ALittleShelfish]

35 minutes ago, Alonzo Mosely FBI said:

 Father Kalani can shove off. Kalani says she doesn't know if she can get married if  they don't approve of Ausuelo??? WTAF this is not 1910 Somoan Downton Abbey YOU ARE FUCKING 30 YRS OLD KALANI. You can just go get married without your parent's permission And guess what? Also? You can even get your hair cut if you want to. 

You mean he can "Pack sand."  Which is apparently different than "pound sand", but what do I know, I'm a fairly well-adjusted person who has never wanted to be on a reality show.  

Also, Eric reminds me 100% of a dude I worked for a few years ago.  It was my dream job until this dude's personality came out and I ended up quitting with no backup plan because I just couldn't work for someone like Eric.  This dude has the same mannerisms and tics and expressions as my old boss. Thankfully I had enough contacts in my industry that I had a job in no time flat but good gravy, I have such a hard time watching Eric because of this.  I don't want to disrespect actual PTSD by saying "watching Eric gives me PTSD" but the first episode had me shaking during one scene.  I feel incredibly sorry for his kids - he can't possibly be an encouraging father.  Except encourage them to move TF out.  I hate this guy. 

[poeticlicensed]

I want to know what Kalani does for a living. 

[Ijustwantsomechips]

2 hours ago, Granny58 said:

RAD

Reactive Attachment Disorder. 

[poeticlicensed]

2 hours ago, greekmom said:

I'm sorry I have to disagree with you.  In my opinion Mommy Dolt was ready to protect her territory, her man (Dolt) and her place in that home.  Clearly, she has issues.

My guess is that when Coltee's dad exited (not sure if it was death or divorce) that Debbie leaned on Coltee big time for social support.  They both probably figured that eventually Coltee would find a girl and Debbie would move on with her life, but instead they became so entwined that it's going to hard for both of them to let go. It's actually kind of sad. Both of them together are preventing each of the them from becoming individuals with separate lives. 

[Ijustwantsomechips]

39 minutes ago, poeticlicensed said:

Father Kalani=Captain Lou Albano!

Dying Here!

Eric reminds me of Droopy Dog

 

 

 

I think if Droopy and Schleprock had a baby, it’d be Eric.