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Tom Schwartz: Panic at PUMP

OnceSane

By OnceSane
in Vanderpump Rules

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Shelby

Shelby

I'll kick it off... if I do blow too, will it be an easier way than diet and exercise to get his girlish figure?

/me slips Schwarz a Valium for any anxiety this thread causes him, should he ever stumble across it.

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walnutqueen

walnutqueen

I'll kick it off... if I do blow too, will it be an easier way than diet and exercise to get his girlish figure?

/me slips Schwarz a Valium for any anxiety this thread causes him, should he ever stumble across it.

 

Yes, you could get skinny, but you'll spend more money & time on a dentist for the meth-mouth, plastic surgeon for the septum, concealer for the facial sores, and hand cream for the painfully dry cracking skin around your fingertips (a lesser known evil of the snorting powdery stuff).  But your house could get REALLY clean, or you could spend days trying to get to the next level of SuperMario.

 

Or so I'm told.  ;-)

 

That valium would be wasted on Schwartzie - he strikes me as one of those skinny little fuckers with a high tolerance for pharmaceuticals.  Which, I believe, is another requisite for working at PUMP. 

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Locutus

Locutus

Tom is on an episode of baggage right now. Don't know how old it is. He claims to like to smell his ear wax, paints nails and toe nails, and gambled his college money away on online poker. And he was chosen at the end.

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Shelby

Shelby

(edited)

Tom is on an episode of baggage right now. Don't know how old it is. He claims to like to smell his ear wax, paints nails and toe nails, and gambled his college money away on online poker. And he was chosen at the end.

Just because I never have an opportunity to mention this, because it's never in conversation (thanks Schwartz!), I was a part of a study for the ABCC11 gene. I have dry, non-oily, earwax, and don't have whatever the genetic component is for producing body odor.

I used to like Schwartz the best out of these losers. I guess that's because we hadn't seen much of him.

After seeing what he puts up with from Jax, his lack of work ethic, and the way he lets his friends talk to Katie, he just as much of a doofus as the rest of them. I hope Katie's done with him this season. He can go live happily ever after with fugly Jax. They can share a coach flight off into the sunset.

Edited by Shelby
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Persnickety1

Persnickety1

I realize he probably REALLY needs the money (I'm sure those top flight modeling gigs aren't falling into his lap...The gigs that would actually help pay the bills), but I liked him much better before he had all of this airtime and actually, you know, spoke for extended periods and showed us just what a complete loser he is.  

 

Honestly, this guy is frighteningly vacuous.  Maybe he doesn't get enough oxygen to his brain.  Maybe that half a pan of brownies had more than herb in them and did irreversible damage.  

 

His wheel might be turning, but that hamster is dead.

 

After seeing him in action so far this season, I'm pretty sure he's topped my list of who's the biggest waste of space and oxygen on this show.

 

He almost makes Jax look good by comparison.  ALMOST.  

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fliptopbox

fliptopbox

After seeing him in action so far this season, I'm pretty sure he's topped my list of who's the biggest waste of space and oxygen on this show.

 

I still think that spot is reserved for Stassi. At least Schwartz kind of works at PUMP, even if it's on a temp/as needed basis. Stassi just spends far too much time at SUR butting into everyone else's business and prattles on and on about her boyfriend who we've never seen on camera. Dude may as well not even exist, as far as the VPR universe is concerned.

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Persnickety1

Persnickety1

I still think that spot is reserved for Stassi. At least Schwartz kind of works at PUMP, even if it's on a temp/as needed basis. Stassi just spends far too much time at SUR butting into everyone else's business and prattles on and on about her boyfriend who we've never seen on camera. Dude may as well not even exist, as far as the VPR universe is concerned.

 

As far as the show goes, I agree.  She's still bringing a little bit of snark but not nearly enough to really justify her place on the show this season.  Unless things are really going to heat up as the Schwartz/Katie fuckery unfolds, she looks like a soccer mom passing through a drunken frat house now.  

 

As much as I loved to hate her in season 1, she really needs to go next season if she isn't going to be part of the ongoing debauchery and pillaging at SUR.  

 

Unfortunately for Stassi, these assclowns have shown this season that they really don't need her to instigate drama, and the extra exposure of Schwartz's character certainly gave viewers plenty of bonus shit to snark on with this cast.  Oy!!!

 

Schwartz is such an utter dullard that in most of his scenes I just sit shaking my head, jaw open, in sheer amazement that he can even manage to tie his shoes.

 

Oh hell, maybe he doesn't.  Maybe Katie does that for him, too.  

 

It's like the blind leading the blind with those two.  No wonder their relationship "works," as Stassi put it.  

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Granimal

Granimal

I agree with everyone's assesment of Tom S. It would be nice to see him stand up for or to anything or anybody. I am wildly speculating here, but he strikes me as someone who became completely aimless once he graduated college and didn't have mommy or daddy to tell him what to do. He does seem depressed, and I'm sure he's mentioned it to Jax, but I'm not sure why exactly Jax thinks this is Katie's fault. I would say that his depression/anxiety have more to do with the fact that he hasn't worked a steady job in five years! Depending on Katie for everything may have seemed like an easy out at first, but surely its chipped away at his ego. I think a breakup would do them both a world of good at this point. And Tom really needs to pull himself together. The more I see of Tom, the less likely it seems to be that he made much money modeling. At least Jax has worked for the past few years!

 

 

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OnceSane

OnceSane

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I'm getting a little bugged by Tom's pretty constant rubbing and picking of his arms, feet, face while talking. Pretty evident during conversation with Katie while he was at his modeling shoot.

Maybe he recently took up meth.

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FozzyBear

FozzyBear

He seems like someone who need a completely dominant partner that would force him to do whatever they wanted.

Yeah Schwartz seems like a good natured, not completely stupid person who is really lazy. Like lazy is a fundamental character trait. I think his greatest goal in life is not to work too hard, at anything. I never get a sense of passion from him about his career, friends, Katie, anything. It all seems to boil down to the path of least resistance.

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psychoticstate

psychoticstate

Yeah Schwartz seems like a good natured, not completely stupid person who is really lazy. Like lazy is a fundamental character trait. I think his greatest goal in life is not to work too hard, at anything. I never get a sense of passion from him about his career, friends, Katie, anything. It all seems to boil down to the path of least resistance.

 

He seems to like Gordo, so I guess there's that.  And he did seem excited about the eyebrow waxing. 

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HunterHunted

HunterHunted

I think I spotted Schwartz in a Modelo Especial beer commercial.

I watched it a few times an am almost 100% sure.

I saw the same ad. I'm pretty sure it's him too. I guess that lends credence that he is a working mactor. It's a national commercial so that means his residuals are probably pretty good even though he's an extra.

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JenE4

JenE4

Considering his announcement photo included a shout out to the jeweler and the jeweler also shared photos, I'm assuming it was comped. There's no way a barely employed mactor who can barely make it through a shift at his day job without leaving because of a panic attack can afford a 2-carat ring. What was with the comment that the pink sapphires represent Schwartz? That's strange. It sounds like he proposed at Sandoval's birthday party...this is after the ring on a string at Schena's wedding. He really hasn't learned a lesson about stealing someone's spotlight.

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acid burn

acid burn

(edited)

 

Tom is on an episode of baggage right now. Don't know how old it is. He claims to like to smell his ear wax, paints nails and toe nails, and gambled his college money away on online poker. And he was chosen at the end.

 

Edited because I realized someone had already mentioned the Baggage appearance I was going to link to. His occaption on the segment is announced as "biological specimen collector." The jokes just write themselves sometimes, don't they?

Edited by acid burn
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Princess Sparkle

Princess Sparkle

On 12/21/2015 at 3:37 PM, acid burn said:

 

Edited because I realized someone had already mentioned the Baggage appearance I was going to link to. His occaption on the segment is announced as "biological specimen collector." The jokes just write themselves sometimes, don't they?

So, when he was on Stassi's podcast recently, she asked him about being on the show and if anything was true (since she knew Jax made up his 'baggage' when he was on the show) and he said that none of it was true.  He came close, but stopped short of saying that the show made up his 'baggage' for him, but he did say that he picked "biological specimen collector' as a job because he thought it sounded funny.

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teapot

teapot

On May 6, 2016 at 4:59 PM, Princess Sparkle said:

So, when he was on Stassi's podcast recently, she asked him about being on the show and if anything was true (since she knew Jax made up his 'baggage' when he was on the show) and he said that none of it was true.  He came close, but stopped short of saying that the show made up his 'baggage' for him, but he did say that he picked "biological specimen collector' as a job because he thought it sounded funny.

I heard that!  Didn't he say that the girl who chose was randomly an acquaintance of his so it was basically a given he'd win? 

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Princess Sparkle

Princess Sparkle

On 5/9/2016 at 6:04 PM, teapot said:

I heard that!  Didn't he say that the girl who chose was randomly an acquaintance of his so it was basically a given he'd win? 

He did!  Yeah, he said he knew the girl so he knew she'd pick him.  He also said they got $500 for being on the show, so that's why he and Jax went.  I think I'd want a lot more than $500 for people to think I liked to smell ear wax, but that's just me.

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thevoice

thevoice

I have to say something or I will explode! Tom Schwartz is the biggest puss I've ever seen and will NEVER have Katy's back. He calls the girls the "vagina mafia", however, he is in the "Penis Mafia". It wasn't long ago when Jax was screwing over EVERYONE and talking all kinds of trash to Katy and Tom defended Jax NOT his mneytrain wife. Tom Sanderval just told Katy "Fuck you" and Tom Schwartz said nothing but if she told sandaval "Fuck you" he would have reamed her. I think Tom Schwartz should just marry Tom. He is so gay. Nothing wrong with that but he may as well just come out now. I also think he's marrying Katy because she takes care of him and he's lazy and doesn't want to work. Notice she pays all the bills while he does nothing and doesn't even defend her. 

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Jextella

Jextella

On ‎11‎/‎13‎/‎2016 at 10:44 AM, thevoice said:

I have to say something or I will explode! Tom Schwartz is the biggest puss I've ever seen and will NEVER have Katy's back. He calls the girls the "vagina mafia", however, he is in the "Penis Mafia". It wasn't long ago when Jax was screwing over EVERYONE and talking all kinds of trash to Katy and Tom defended Jax NOT his mneytrain wife. Tom Sanderval just told Katy "Fuck you" and Tom Schwartz said nothing but if she told sandaval "Fuck you" he would have reamed her. I think Tom Schwartz should just marry Tom. He is so gay. Nothing wrong with that but he may as well just come out now. I also think he's marrying Katy because she takes care of him and he's lazy and doesn't want to work. Notice she pays all the bills while he does nothing and doesn't even defend her. 

Agree with a lot of this, but it goes both ways.  I don't think either gives the other the respect they deserve.   There seems to be a disconnect between the two. Things could read differently in the real world, but based on what I see on TV, I don't think they should be married.

I liked watching Tom and Arianna when he asked her to be his bridesgroom.   Those two seem more compatible than Tom and Katy.

Kind of sad to watch actually.

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editorgrrl

editorgrrl

(edited)

From Tequila Katie's thread:

8 hours ago, biakbiak said:

Tom said his dad was too scared to fly but it could also be thatparents had a messy divorce complete with a retraining order so maybe they don't attend the same events on purpose.

Sounds like Tom's dad has substance abuse + anger issues. 

As for Tom's sister, maybe she just doesn't wish to appear on a reality TV show (like Aimee Osbourne, Ozzy & Sharon's eldest).

Edited by editorgrrl
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editorgrrl

editorgrrl

(edited)

Schwartz posted a throwback photo with  William, Robert & Brandon (aka Billy, Bert & Brandon):

 
There are two more here: http://www.bravotv.com/the-daily-dish/tom-schwartz-triplet-brothers
 
The fact that he calls 31-year-old men "such sweet kids" and "such good kids" makes me wonder if they're special needs.
 
Also:
Quote

Tom and his brothers are among a handful of siblings, including their sister as well as two half sisters and a half brother.

 

Edited by editorgrrl
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zoeysmom

zoeysmom

5 hours ago, editorgrrl said:

Schwartz posted a throwback photo with  William, Robert & Brandon (aka Billy, Bert & Brandon):

 
There are two more here: http://www.bravotv.com/the-daily-dish/tom-schwartz-triplet-brothers
 
The fact that he calls 31-year-old men "such sweet kids" and "such good kids" makes me wonder if they're special needs.
 
Also:

 

Well he also called them the three stooges-so I am thinking they aren't special needs.  Maybe like Tom, they are just immature.

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MissMel

MissMel

I'm from about the same area in Florida.  Jax said they live in Yulee.  https://www.google.com/maps/place/Nassau+County,+FL/@30.5512429,-82.018654,10z/data=!3m1!4b1!4m5!3m4!1s0x88e5bcd8a6f0baa9:0xe132f01cdde3f9c0!8m2!3d30.5927334!4d-81.8224362

I do not know them but I know the area.  They are clearly in the older, rural area of Yulee.  There is a bunch of new, overpriced construction in the area but the radaronline article states "A restraining order against William was also amended in the judgment to allow him to return home for two hours per week to perform chores."  and "Kimberly was given the couple’s livestock, while William was given their three bran cats and dog."  Plus in the Bravo article, it states and Tom is quoted: "And while most of the siblings have moved away from home, the brothers do still live at the familial pad. "There's like two little houses and my brothers have their own little frat house," he said."  

Sounds like regular country folk, to me.  It's not abnormal for unmarried sons to stay on.  Especially if their mother is solely responsible for the property and livestock.  I have two houses on my property as well.  I live in one and my father lives in the other.  We, along with my husband, manage this property just fine for now but my oldest son expects there will be time he will have to come help out, if not move back, in the future.  Death, divorce, illness, disability-lots of reasons for triplets to stay home and still get to be together.  (IMO)  Maybe they just prefer a simple life? 

Also, Tom said two of brothers work at a local resort.  My guess would be Omni Amelia Island.  That's not a bad gig, at all.  One more thing, how they missed their flight-I don't know.  They practically live on top of JIA.  Maybe they just aren't used to flying and got caught up in security and missed it.  

Again, I do not know them.  These are just my best guesses.

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biakbiak

biakbiak

16 hours ago, editorgrrl said:

The fact that he calls 31-year-old men "such sweet kids" and "such good kids" makes me wonder if they're special needs.

My grandfather called his little brothers "kids" until he died at 88, they were 84 and 82, one was a doctor and the other a judge. I think for some people it's just an older sibling turn of phrase.

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editorgrrl

editorgrrl

This theory from the “Wishful Sinking” thread is interesting:

On 3/2/2018 at 1:49 PM, Long Spot said:

This week, as I was pondering how, if at all, the editors were going to try to explain the absence of the Stassi/Katie/Kristin dynamic from the Big Bear trip, I noticed: "wait, we haven't even seen Schwartzie in almost 2 episodes". At first I assumed he probably stepped up and did the "right" husbandly thing by staying home with Katie, and I recalled his brothers were in town so just chalked it up to those concerns.

But then he appeared on the screen mid-episode, and I immediately said to my husband, "He looks like he went to rehab". That's as healthy and sober and clean (in more ways than one) as I've seen him in years.  When he ordered iced tea at the restaurant I double wondered. I'd forgotten how adorable lucid Schwartz can be.

And then I saw the preview for next week in Vegas.  If he did in fact clean up, it didn't last long.  

This show is edited, so Schwartz could have ordered iced tea at El Coyote after the Las Vegas “business trip.” (It was unsweetened ice tea, so maybe dadbod Tom was on a diet? But then he ordered jalapeño poppers, so probably not. And he wasn’t the designated driver; they arrived on scooters.) 

Tom Sandoval’s 34th birthday was Friday, July 7, 2017; the Vegas trip was (supposedly) July 6–7. Since I’m attempting to establish a timeline, the SUR fire was Monday, June 19, 2017.

In other news, Katie said Schwartz was “a great mactor.” According to IMDB, he was a faerie on True Blood in 2011 and an Italian exchange student on Two and a Half Men in 2013.

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HunterHunted

HunterHunted

23 hours ago, editorgrrl said:

In other news, Katie said Schwartz was “a great mactor.” According to IMDB, he was a faerie on True Blood in 2011 and an Italian exchange student on Two and a Half Men in 2013.

He also had a national Modelo ad. However, Ariana is probably the most successful of the semi-permanent mactor cast. She's done a number of shorts with College Humor, Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader, a Seth Green show, and a couple of low budget movies starring Vivica Fox and Michael Madsen. Next is probably Scheana who has been in Greek, Jonas, 90210, Victorious, and Mouthpiece. She's also been in soft pornography too. However, her legit work is way more impressive than anyone else's.

Of course, Laura Leigh and Vail Bloom dwarf all of them.

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Judi Sunshine

Judi Sunshine

4 hours ago, HunterHunted said:

He also had a national Modelo ad. However, Ariana is probably the most successful of the semi-permanent mactor cast. She's done a number of shorts with College Humor, Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader, a Seth Green show, and a couple of low budget movies starring Vivica Fox and Michael Madsen. Next is probably Scheana who has been in Greek, Jonas, 90210, Victorious, and Mouthpiece. She's also been in soft pornography too. However, her legit work is way more impressive than anyone else's.

Of course, Laura Leigh and Vail Bloom dwarf all of them.


I just got into "The Client List" and totally forgot Laura Leigh is in it! She's funny! 

I was impressed by the Modelo ad; nationals are no joke! Love your assessment, I didn't know all of that, including that Scheana was on "90210!" I never got into the new version.

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ivygirl

ivygirl

Question. Right now on Facebook one of the “top GIFs” is Schwartz saying “yeah man.” (I’d embed it but I can never figure out how to do that!) Anyone know why that, of anything, is trending?

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Gharlane

Gharlane

43 minutes ago, itsadryheat said:

Were the multiple appearances of galaxy lights a hint of things to come?

Tom Schwartz Join New Reality Series Stars on Mars

"Apparently the goal will be to claim the elusive “Brightest Star in the Galaxy” title. So it’s like Survivor in fake space?"

https://www.realitytea.com/2023/05/05/porsha-williams-tom-schwartz-join-new-reality-series-stars-on-mars/

I was wondered how they would eliminate people on the show. Kick them out of the airlock? 

arnold schwarzenegger eyes GIF

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ZettaK

ZettaK

(edited)
On 7/1/2018 at 12:45 AM, ivygirl said:

Question. Right now on Facebook one of the “top GIFs” is Schwartz saying “yeah man.” (I’d embed it but I can never figure out how to do that!) Anyone know why that, of anything, is trending?

That was the last post about Tom (from July 2018), until today! He is not interesting.

Edited by ZettaK
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Jel

Jel

On 5/7/2023 at 2:53 PM, itsadryheat said:

Were the multiple appearances of galaxy lights a hint of things to come?

Tom Schwartz Join New Reality Series Stars on Mars

"Apparently the goal will be to claim the elusive “Brightest Star in the Galaxy” title. So it’s like Survivor in fake space?"

https://www.realitytea.com/2023/05/05/porsha-williams-tom-schwartz-join-new-reality-series-stars-on-mars/

“Brightest” star? Well I guess Schwartz is out.

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Jennifersdc

Jennifersdc

On 5/7/2023 at 5:53 PM, itsadryheat said:

Were the multiple appearances of galaxy lights a hint of things to come?

Tom Schwartz Join New Reality Series Stars on Mars

"Apparently the goal will be to claim the elusive “Brightest Star in the Galaxy” title. So it’s like Survivor in fake space?"

https://www.realitytea.com/2023/05/05/porsha-williams-tom-schwartz-join-new-reality-series-stars-on-mars/

That sounds fucking stupid.

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