Small Talk: The Prayer Closet

[SomePity1066]

Many, many hugs, the front kind, to any and all dealing with illness in a kitty or doggie. I've been there and it's just the shittiest, most horrible thing ever, and I'm so, so sorry you have to go through it. I know how hard it is to make the decision that it's time to let them go - that was always a job for the "grownups" in my life, but all of a sudden I was the grownup. Standing at the vet's after it was all over with tears in my eyes and an empty leash and collar in my hand is something I will never forget, but I know I did the right thing. You just have to know that it's the right thing. 

 

People will try to sprinkle fairy dust and unicorns pooping rainbows all over your grief to make you feel better when you're not ready to feel better, and that sucks, because you just want to be angry and sad - you want to positively hunker down in your anger and sadness and sit in the dark watching 27 episodes of Law & Order in a row and not taking a shower for three days. Or, I dunno, whatever, or so I'm told...

 

The people telling you things you don't want to hear mean well - they truly do. I've said they very same things in my rabid discomfort that I now cringe to recall, so I accept every word with smiles and hugs and more hugs. Jeez, I hope to Hell I'm not doing that very same thing now. Please ignore me if I'm as bumble-fumble as the people I'm talking about, but also know that I'm in your corner and on your side.

 

XtinaMarie - I also almost killed my dog, and under almost the very same circumstances. It happens, and we both learned from it, thankfully, so please don't fret over it. I was SO eager to give my new doggie the besty-best-best food in the universe that I didn't consider the consequences of him going from a shit diet from the crap shelter I adopted him from (in Duggar country, if you can believe that !) to the Blue Buffalo All Surf and Turf Four Seasons Million Dollar stuff that he almost died.  

 

Now I know better. Can't take a country dog used to eating - ummm...hay and shitty kibble with freaking bones in it to filet mignon. I thought I knew dogs - I really did ! Hadn't killed one yet, obviously, but I went overboard with the spoiling.  He's now thriving, two years later, and now eight years old, but still on medicine because of the pancreatitis. He's the beautiful goofball in my avatar here, and, YES, he DOES want to sniff your hand and then fall asleep with his giant paws on your feet.

 

Majestic pain in the ass he is, I swear. 

[ATwiLightSky]

I work in a supermarket in a medium sized city and for Christmas we sold about 100 cakes with Happy Birthday Jesus on it. We also have a fundie family come in to shop every Sunday the come in 3 15 passenger vans and there are at least 22 kids and the girls wear matching dresses and the boys also match. We the cashiers try to run and hide when we see them to the check out.

[XinaMarie]

We are currently feeding our dog Buffalo Blue (Senior Formula). We switched him from Science Diet several years ago which is what the breeder fed him as a puppy before we got him. We had been warned about tummy upset by switching food. I am told you can do it gradually by mixing the new food in with the old and gradually increasing it. My dog eats every kind of food. It really is amazing. We leave the bowl out all day and his kibble is there usually until late evening. I always say he is holding out for a better offer. Kibble is his last resort! Bananas are the only human food he looks at me like I am kidding. He does not eat inedible things thank goodness or else intestinal blockage would be the next thing. Anyway, never heard of the Surf and Turf. Asta eating prime rib scraps is what almost killed him. We think our dogs are fancier than they really are!

Edited December 30, 2015 by XinaMarie

[Love2dance]

Beautiful post, SOMEPITY. So glad your pup is OK.

[Missy Vixen]

This is one of those days when I should have gone back to bed. There hasn't been a lot that's gone wrong or anything. I'm generally frustrated with the human race. ;-)

 

How do you cope when you're in the midst of it?

[Tabbygirl521]

This is one of those days when I should have gone back to bed. There hasn't been a lot that's gone wrong or anything. I'm generally frustrated with the human race. ;-)

How do you cope when you're in the midst of it?

It is why God purposes to lay wine on our hearts.

But seriously. Distraction helps me. Doing something physical is even better, even if it's just something stupid like cleaning out a closet. Accomplishing something seems to help restore my balance somehow.

My biggest problem is if I am outright angry at someone. It is very hard for me to start a dialogue and try to resolve things. I guess that's when wine is my best friend. Not the best solution, I know.

Missy, did the beautiful weather today help at all? I am usually insane by about Feb due to our short days. Sunshine definitely helps me.

Edited December 31, 2015 by Tabbygirl521

[magpye29]

MissyVixen, I don't have any answers.  I've been on an emotional roller coast for the past three weeks, and every time I think I'm getting a handle on it, he does something else mean.  I haven't posted because I just don't know what to say.  I've been reading all your posts with interest, and I'm sympathizing with the pet issues because my 16-year-old dog seems to be having a recurrence of cancer, but I can't get her back to the vet yet.  She had a toe removed last year, and it was malignant, and she's already giving me that are you f**** kidding me look when I take her for her walks and it's raining or slushy outside, so I'm trying to brace myself for another loss.  I just wanted my son to see her one more time while he's visiting from Georgia.  She was sooo happy to see him.  All she does now is sleep and hunt for candy when I'm not home.  Happy New Year a day early!

[Wellfleet]

Brian....good news about your son. Hope he continues to do well.

I'm a doggy girl, but sending hugs to all of you dealing with aging kitties. Our pets are family.

 

I'm a dog person too, but have several darling feline nieces and nephews, and enjoy the kitty stories very much. I love that line about "dogs having their owners, and cats having their staffs..." And it is SO true! LOL. 

[Micks Picks]

Magpye I hate to hit like for your post, but please know my heart is with you.

[lookeyloo]

Brian - glad to hear things are on the upswing

[zoomama]

not sure if i have been on here long enough to tell you we adopted a shelter dog almost 2 weeks ago. food has not been a problem at all -- she inhales it. i have never seen an animal eat so fast. she has a cough, for which we went to the emergency the night after Christmas. she is still on meds but i dont think it has anything to do with that diagnoses. she goes back to the shelter vet tomorrow for follow up and i intend to ask some serious questions. if ya'll saw the 'fits' she has several times a day, i think you'd be concerned too. she is a lovey dog though -- we are enjoying her. our other dog is tolerating her, it's gonna take a while. and then,...there is the issue of potty-training.  what was i thinking?????

[SomePity1066]

This is one of those days when I should have gone back to bed. There hasn't been a lot that's gone wrong or anything. I'm generally frustrated with the human race. ;-)

 

How do you cope when you're in the midst of it?

I'm probably the most maladjusted person I know so I'm the very last person to give advice for something like this - my last post featured me watching 27 episodes of Law & Order in a row and not taking a shower for three days...

 

But I wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and send you the biggest FRONT hug I can ! I think we have some really good folks here, and we stick together.

 

I remember you from waaaay back in the day from TWoP - we were buddies then, and we're buddies now, I hope  :)

 

As an aside, THIS has made me very, very happy for the last few days. Probably watched it 50 or 60 times, tearing up every time. So there's that...

 

[Happyfatchick]

I almost hesitate to post this in the middle of all the sweet doggie posts, but I'm gonna. I mentioned awhile back that my mom (Mama) has been given hospice care (nurse visitation once per week). Three days ago, we began having issues we couldn't get past - without being too graphic, I'm pretty sure she has a UTI. UTI's are as common in the elderly as a cold for a daycare toddler. She keeps them all the time. She's bedridden, mumbles incoherently, isn't eating enough to sustain and taking very little fluids. She's been placed on critical care, which means we have care around the clock until we get past whatever this crisis is. She groans in her sleep as if she's in pain, but unable to tell us what hurts. Which means pain meds, which makes her absolutely unable to communicate. I truly believe if we can get past the UTI, she can come off so much pain medication and her appetite will improve. We've had a tough few days. The sitter is back, but hospice is there for the time being anyway.

Mama was hilarious, back in the day. So so funny. She was the mom who hid and jumped out to scare me when I came in from school. The best tear inducing gut laughs I've ever had were with my mother. She was truly the funniest, warmest, toughest, most lovable mom ever. I miss her so much. I keep thinking she's going to sit up and say, "JUST KIDDING!"

Where is she? Where is a person who's not really here and not really gone?

There's a hospital bed in my parent's bedroom. There's a caregiver other than me in my mother's house. This is the weirdest thing I've ever experienced.

[Love2dance]

Mama was hilarious, back in the day. So so funny. She was the mom who hid and jumped out to scare me when I came in from school. The best tear inducing gut laughs I've ever had were with my mother. She was truly the funniest, warmest, toughest, most lovable mom ever. I miss her so much. I keep thinking she's going to sit up and say, "JUST KIDDING!"

Where is she? Where is a person who's not really here and not really gone?

There's a hospital bed in my parent's bedroom. There's a caregiver other than me in my mother's house. This is the weirdest thing I've ever experienced.

HAPPYFATCHICK, I have been thinking about you and hoping you were ok. I have nothing to offer except sympathy and the hope that those wonderful memories of your mom can help you through this awful time. And I am hoping against hope that you have found a way to make your daughter stay in this country. Hugs to you, HFC.

I have been anxious and stressing tonight because my daughter and two grandkids are all sad and miserable for similar reasons and I can't help any of them. How can we be happy when loved ones are so miserable? I hate not being able to solve their problems. But my daughter wants to go on and on about everything that is going on, and by the time we hang up, I am a wreck. I know, minor problem when some of you are dealing with such major events in your lives. But I guess I needed to vent, too.

[Micks Picks]

HFC I worry about hospice care.  Do they have her on fluids, IV or whatever?  Hospice withdraws care but fluids also?  Don't know if that is considered extraordinary, non-hospice care, IVs I mean.

[frenchtoast]

Hospice care was an absolute godsend for my family and eased my grandmothers passing. They answered all questions, worked with the family to make sure everyone was comfortable. I wasn't there but spoke with my mom daily and did meet them during my goodbye visit, but the try to make sure they person is comfortable. So if they fall, and break something, it will have to be taken care of because that's a whole lot of pain. (Not that that happened, but it was a concern because she kept falling because she was getting up without waiting for help.) They'll give IV fluids, treat infections, give oxygen etc in order to make the patient comfortable. Maybe I'm not understanding what you're saying, and maybe your experience was different, but hospice enabled my grandmother to pass relatively pain-free at home with her family rather than a facility and we were so very grateful. And I think maligning an entire group of caregivers that for the most part provide a necessary and difficult service  harsh. 

[kalamac]

Well, so far 2016 has had mixed results for me. I did successfully hang my new calendar - Star Wars, January picture Darth Vader, but then my toothpaste fell off my toothbrush when I went to brush my teeth. How either of these things will affect the rest of the year I don't know.

Happy new year everyone. I hope things get better for those who need it, and stay good for everyone who's been having a decent time.

[Tabbygirl521]

SomePity, thanks for the Fallon/Roots clip. That was fun!

I wanted to mention that I have had some challenging stretches over the past couple of years, including losing my job (which was actually a good thing - long story). A manager with my former employer asked me to come back to cover for someone's maternity leave. (She knows all about my "stuff.) I agreed, and flat out told her That she was rescuing me from days spent in my PJs, watching "Investigation Discovery." She totally got it, having been through similar times when her dad was dying.

My point is, there is nothing wrong with a little zombie time when you're stressed.

HFC, I am sending hugs. It is so incredibly hard to watch a loved one heading down that final road. My mom died last summer and we had a stretch of not being able to do much except ease her path. Her priest told us we were "walking her to the door." For some reason we all found that a very comforting image. Maybe it will help you a little, too.

My dad deteriorated mentally before he died. Bad times. I wanted to tell you, though, that in a pretty short time the sad and hard images left my brain and I could remember only the real him. This was comforting, and also restored some perspective - that the illness, bad as it was, was a relatively short time compared to many years of truly living life. I have since been told that this is pretty common- our memories recover the "real" person. I know that doesn't help your mom but I still wanted to share that with you.

Edited December 31, 2015 by Tabbygirl521

[kokapetl]

Happy new year!

Edited December 31, 2015 by Kokapetl

[NEGirl]

HFC _so sorry to hear about you Mom. FFH sent your way.

I do have to say my Mom and my Aunt were both in hospice care and received excellent care before passing. The people were amazing - just wonderful with my Mom. They kept her comfortable and treated her with dignity until her passing. HFC, so sorry to hear about your experience, most of my friends who had hospice for their loved ones had no problems with them. Can you talk to the agency they work for?

 

Happy New Year everyone.

[CherryMalotte]

The people in Hospice care are saints.  Give yourself a hug from me HFC, and that funny, warm, and tough mom is still with you, even if it's as your memory.

 

Yeah, let's get this year over with already!       

[emma675]

SomePity1066, that Star Wars/Fallon clip was the best! I tear up and get goosebumps whenever I hear the SW theme--my mom raised me on SW so it brings back  memories. Side note, my dad raised me on Indiana Jones, so my childhood was heavily influenced by Harrison Ford. Yum.

 

Hospice was a godsend when my grandmother passed. She had Alzheimer's and that disease can go suck it straight to hell. It's like you lose the person twice--once when their mind goes and again when their body goes. It's horrible.

[Muffyn]

HFC, so sorry for what you and your family are going through.  These are tough times.  We make it through but they leave a mark.  As many here have said, hospice care is so very helpful.  The people providing this care are incredible.  At the same time, as you note in your post, there are different levels of care.   You are there to speak for your mother.  If you feel fluids would help, tell them.  If she is showing signs of infection, tell them.  She cannot speak for herself and you know her better than they can.   You have been there when they were not.  She is so very fortunate to have you at her side. 

 

As for your question “Where is she? Where is a person who's not really here and not really gone?” she’s still here; she just can’t tell you.  That wonderful woman who could always make you laugh is still in there.  Unfortunately her body won’t let her jump out from behind trees anymore.  It is amazing what our minds will still absorb even when we seem far gone.  She knows you’re there.  Anything you can do to make her time more pleasant helps.  My sister went out to her best friend doing voices from South Park (Cartman:  Mom, the cat’s being a dildo!  Cartman’s mom:  I know a kitty who will be sleeping with mommy tonight.)  My great aunt heard big band music and me reading to her from the Sunday paper.  In each case there was a slight acknowledgement of what they were hearing.  My sister was laughing.  My aunt was moving her toes to the music. 

 

So give her what you can, whether it is voices, other sounds, scents, the feel of sunlight through a window, or whatever else she loved in life.  And know that the part of her that can’t reach out to you can hear you and feel your presence.  With everything you are doing for her, she knows she’s loved.   That’s the best thing you can give her.

[Almost 3000]

HFC I worry about hospice care.  Do they have her on fluids, IV or whatever?  Hospice withdraws care but fluids also?  Don't know if that is considered extraordinary, non-hospice care, IVs I mean.

I've been dealing with hospice with my mom for the last two years, as I've mentioned here in the Prayer Closet before when its come up. I'm sharing this experience to perhaps help someone who is going through it too because different hospice groups handle things somewhat differently and with different degrees of aggression to the passing process.  Our first hospice team was part of our HMO and they provided supplies, advise, resource help and monitoring and some other non-invasion care but I did opt for an IV to take care of an urinary problem. We at one point I decided to send her back to the hospital which takes the patient out of the authority of hospice and back to her primary care group. They released her back to hospice. The second hospice team immediately put heavy med patches on her which would have ended her life because she would not have been able to eat or drink. My caregiver pulled the patches and here we are another year later. We now have another hospice team that really just at this point gives supplies and some monitoring. All the services have provided beds, bed trays, wheelchairs, walkers, breathing apparatus, bathing supplies and incontinent care supplies and of course meds which are limited at this point until the family decision makers decide to ease the process with hospice's help of medications for that. Basically hospice is there to help with the dying process but for two years I've come to understand that with dementia that is not necessarily the outcome. Now I just look at our hospice team as the group that helps us because we are no longer able to go to any medical appointments and the word hospice has a new meaning to me as a helpful team.

[magpye29]

Happy New Year's Eve, everyone!  Here's a little earworm to ease you into the new year, thoughtfully composed by my son and me when he was little and would endlesly hum the Star Wars theme:

 

Star Wars

is a great movie

with lots of spaceships

up in the sky!

 

Now try getting THAT out of your head!

[MarysWetBar]

HFC, so sorry for what you and your family are going through. These are tough times. We make it through but they leave a mark. As many here have said, hospice care is so very helpful. The people providing this care are incredible. At the same time, as you note in your post, there are different levels of care. You are there to speak for your mother. If you feel fluids would help, tell them. If she is showing signs of infection, tell them. She cannot speak for herself and you know her better than they can. You have been there when they were not. She is so very fortunate to have you at her side.

As for your question “Where is she? Where is a person who's not really here and not really gone?” she’s still here; she just can’t tell you. That wonderful woman who could always make you laugh is still in there. Unfortunately her body won’t let her jump out from behind trees anymore. It is amazing what our minds will still absorb even when we seem far gone. She knows you’re there. Anything you can do to make her time more pleasant helps. My sister went out to her best friend doing voices from South Park (Cartman: Mom, the cat’s being a dildo! Cartman’s mom: I know a kitty who will be sleeping with mommy tonight.) My great aunt heard big band music and me reading to her from the Sunday paper. In each case there was a slight acknowledgement of what they were hearing. My sister was laughing. My aunt was moving her toes to the music.

So give her what you can, whether it is voices, other sounds, scents, the feel of sunlight through a window, or whatever else she loved in life. And know that the part of her that can’t reach out to you can hear you and feel your presence. With everything you are doing for her, she knows she’s loved. That’s the best thing you can give her.

What an amazing post. How kind of you to take the time to share all of that. :)

HFC sending hugs and white light your way for sure. I didn't see anything negative in your post but perhaps im late to the party or read too fast. You knew your mom before she fell ill, so if your instincts are telling you she requires something the hospice folks aren't giving her, please tell them. Keep communication open.

SP, I have never really been much of a tv watcher in the past. Mostly read a lot and listened to music, but the six months following my mom's passing , I went to work everyday, came home and made supper for my kids and laid on my couch with the Afghan from the foot of my mom's bed and watched t v. Every night. Every weekend. I couldn't tell you what i watched. I just recall laying there, watching the snow out the window, in a cocoon of sorts. Straight zombie. I was there for my kids (teens). But not really at all. Did what i had to do and that's all. When spring came and the snow was gone, slowly but surely, I started living again.

We all need that.

Edited December 31, 2015 by MarysWetBar

[Missy Vixen]

It is why God purposes to lay wine on our hearts.

***

Missy, did the beautiful weather today help at all? I am usually insane by about Feb due to our short days. Sunshine definitely helps me.

Without turning into a big sloppy mess here, I wuv you all. (Did anyone else here ever watch SCTV? Or am I the only weirdo who remembers Lola Heatherton? "I love you all! And I want to bear ALL YOUR CHILDREN!") I digress. Seriously, you are all the best. So many here are facing really serious problems in life with humor, grace and patience, and I am whining. I hope to face it all with a much better attitude in the future.

 

Here's my issue, and please feel free to laugh or give me crap about the fact it's trivial. I spent some time yesterday reading some political BS on our hometown's FB page. It depressed me so much I wanted to go back to bed. I am discouraged over the fact that no matter how often one points out to others that their way of looking at the world is bigoted, cruel and delusional, they wear their pride in lack of knowledge, curiosity and compassion for others like a badge. In other words, I should have found something more productive to do, especially since yesterday was a gorgeous, sunny day in Seattle. Today's beautiful, too.

 

Of course, while those thoughts were swirling around in my head, I started thinking about the Duggars and the fact that thousands (if not tens of thousands) wrote, e-mailed, boycotted sponsors, did everything in their power to urge TLC to stop featuring that family on their programming. TLC's response was to double down by re-branding. After all, money must be made, and it really doesn't matter that five young women were victimized in a way they are never going to recover from since their parents (and their cult) told them they don't need help. Even better, four of those young women have probably been told for the past ten years that it was their fault/they asked for it/they shouldn't have been so alluring/bla bla bla. OMG! It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it.

 

Think about this: TLC is now attempting to normalize child molestation with their programming. What other explanation could there be for their actions?  Something is desperately wrong with any society that would allow this, let alone any company that would think it acceptable. I thought that this was the third rail -- that any organization would recoil in horror and want to distance themselves from this type of exploitation with a quickness. Evidently not. In other words, the efforts of who knows how many people have been ignored/discounted, and this will set the bar for the future of "entertainment". After all, if it makes money, it's no biggie, right?

 

It's ugly and sickening. And I have a deadline, as usual. I should be working. Mostly, with all the hope of a new year starting, I am wondering if things will change at all, and how to effect that change in our society, in my own limited way.

 

I hope that you and your loved ones have a wonderful New Year, full of things that make you happiest. And I hope this year will bring the beginnings of real, lasting change, in our society and in ourselves.

 

p.s. SomePity1066, I remember you, too. And you bet we're pals. ;-) I'll bring the boxed wine to the Small Talk meetup. ;-)

[magpye29]

It's not whining if it really hurts.

[crazycatlady58]

Hfc, I have been there also. It is HARD to lose someone you love, but they are still here. Play her favorite music if you can. Also if you can spray her favorite purfume around her. They say the music helps and the memories associated with the smell comfort. My thoughts are with you and your family.

[emma675]

 

Think about this: TLC is now attempting to normalize child molestation with their programming. What other explanation could there be for their actions?  Something is desperately wrong with any society that would allow this, let alone any company that would think it acceptable. I thought that this was the third rail -- that any organization would recoil in horror and want to distance themselves from this type of exploitation with a quickness. Evidently not. In other words, the efforts of who knows how many people have been ignored/discounted, and this will set the bar for the future of "entertainment". After all, if it makes money, it's no biggie, right?

Missy, please send this to TLC, even in an email. Your words are stark, straight to the point and put into words what so many are thinking. Plus, it might help you feel better, too.

[Barb23]

Tabbygirl- thank you for sharing the line "walking her to the door". I see how it can be comforting.

Happy New Year !! Here's to a better year than those in the past. We all deserve it. I already hung my new 2016 calendar & am ready to start fresh, once again.

Does anyone have any exciting New Year's Eve or New Year's Day plans or traditions? I'll be doing my usual celebration - hunkered down in front of TV & hopefully will not be dozing off at midnight. Sometimes the neighbors shoot off fireworks so that should keep me awake. I'm getting ready to steam some shrimp. Yum!!

[magpye29]

I'm going to have dinner with my aunt.  We're having vingre d'alhos (Portuguese style marinated pork chops) and cauliflower.  After that, I'm going to my friend's house, where we'll play games and eat and just amuse ourselves until midnight.

 

Tomorrow I'm taking my daughter and my son's girlfriend shopping because I promised SGF I would buy her a dress suitable for conducting her high school choir concerts as her Christmas gift this year.  Then my son and daughter and their SOs are coming for dinner, an exchange of Christmas gifts with my friend who is their "auntie," and some games and food.

 

Saturday my son and his girlfriend are flying back to Georgia.  I'm going to be busy ushering two performances of Annie and having a nice dinner in between with some of my fellow ushers.

 

Sunday I'm going to 8 AM mass and then out for breakfast with a friend.  After that, I'm going to have my daughter and her boyfriend take the rest of their stuff from my apartment to theirs.

 

Monday I go back to work and then to the bank with my husband to have his name taken off our joint account.

 

I'm going to be a busy little magpye!

[crazycatlady58]

I wish everyone a happy new year. Hopefully 2016 will be better. I know some of you have had a bad year,mine has not been the best, so a new year and fresh start. May we all have a peaceful year next year. If you go out, be safe.

[Liz Tudor]

Hello, and Happy New Year's Eve! Just spending some time catching up with my favorite (and only) online group. We traveled to my family for Christmas, I just have my mom and my brother (who isn't married). He lives 45 mins from mom and spent the night Christmas Eve. We had a lot of fun, almost like the old days. Something funny: after we both moved out of the house, our rooms became guest rooms. The way it just happened to work out, we each ended up in the other's old room. It was kind of strange...in our minds' eyes we could see them the way they were when we were kids/teens, but they bear zero resemblance to that now (no Bay City Roller posters or movie posters!). And my brother wound up in the Very Floral Chintz room, ha, ha! We ate and drank ourselves into a stupor. Christmas Eve, after church, we watched "Hot Fuzz." Mom LOVES Britcoms and British dramas (Doc Martin, Call the Midwife, Foyle's War, etc.) and she thought it was a funny twist on those types of shows. I adore Simon Pegg...if he's in it or had anything to do with it, I'm in!

And eerily, with all the posts on kitties & pups, I have a story to add. Growing up, we never formally adopted our cats, they just turned up or were born in our yard. There have been several sets of siblings. My mom was down to her dog (age 11) and Nancy Sinatra (named because of her bad howling!) Nance seemed okay when we got there 12/22, but over the next couple of days, I didn't like how she was breathing when she dozed (which was quite a bit, but not terribly unusual). I kept close watch on her, but just had a bad feeling. We went out to lunch Sunday, and when we came back, she wasn't in any of her usual places (she's an outdoor girl by her choice, would come in during bad weather, but wanted out as soon as it was over). It has been unseasonably warm for a long time, so she was happy in her cat bed on the front porch chair. I knew in my gut she was gone. Her sister, Dusty, who was also an outside cat by choice, died August 2014 at age 15. I had a feeling, and I went to where Dusty chose to die (under our back deck, it is tall, I can stand up underneath it, and many of our pets have hunkered down there when they either couldn't get inside or didn't want to. There's a thick layer of dead leaves, and they'd burrow down and be warm and dry). Sure enough, Nance was there, half under some leaves. I figured she'd gone sometime overnight or early that morning. I lost it pretty good. Nancy was a great cat and had a great life, but what really tore me up was that she was The Last One; of all the cats my family's had over the 37 years we've lived in that particular house. My husband had to perform burial duties while I sobbed and surveyed all the pet graves in the yard. My mom is 75, and very active, but I don't know if she'll emotionally invest in another kitty (perhaps if one were to just show up...). She's always been pragmatic about our animals' passings; they all lived well and died of old age, but she misses the habits and joys they give you...walking with you to the mailbox, sleeping in a sunny flower bed, waiting for you on the sidewalk, etc. I know I was not blubbering just over the cat, but how time got away from me and things aren't and won't ever be the same as they once were. I'm not trying to be maudlin or depressing, I just know that so many of you acutely understand -- you've shared your stories of change and transition. Thanks for letting me process that in writing.

Change to lighter topic: Did anyone catch the Kennedy Center Honors? I have adored Carole King & her music since I was 7...remember so many of her songs on the radio, good times. Watching her reactions as she was being recognized for her contributions was The. BEST! She was genuinely moved and surprised by the performances. I thought she was going to vault over the balcony and rush the stage when Aretha plunked down at the piano and belted out "Natural Woman." I was moved by Cicely Tyson, too. As much as I like his movies, George Lucas was a real jerk about it. Whatever, George! We tuned in too late for Rita Moreno...hoping I can catch it online. I know she has an amazing body of work, but "hey, you guys!!!" brought us running to the TV for Electric Company.

In an exercise in patience (which I'm getting better at, as I get older), we had a long trip back yesterday...flights that should've had us home in 4 hours took just shy of 12. And to top it off, our bags weren't checked through to our final destination, only to our connecting airport. Something we could've caught if we'd paid attention to the bag receipts. So, our bags (with all of our Christmas presents!) are sitting in Bag Purgatory at Atlanta Hartsfield. It could be several days before we get them, there were so many flights fouled up by weather. I spoke with an airline rep today and he was able to confirm that our bags were found and pulled, but they have no idea how quickly they'll be put on a flight here. What can you do? It is what it is.

Sorry I ran long...I did that thing where I haven't posted in weeks and then, BLAM! :-) We'll be quietly toasting the New Year here, nothing too elaborate, but I wish you all a happy 2016, and hope it brings you much happiness and good health! I look forward to reading more here on Duggar and non-Duggar topics! Cheers to you all, and thanks for being the wonderful people that you are!

[emma675]

I'm having a nice, quiet night with the dog. I've never been a big New Year's person (or birthday person) and now that I'm in my late 30's, I just do what I want and don't care. I'll take a hot bath with some new bath salts I got for Christmas, climb into my sweats and binge something on Netflix. I'm trying to decide right now if i want to cook some Italian food or barbecue for dinner (I always make a nice meal for New Year's Eve and New Year's Day). What can I say? I'm boring, lol!

Edited December 31, 2015 by emma675d

[GeeGolly]

Well to quote Anne Shirley, "Tomorrow is a fresh day with no mistakes". Happy New Year everyone.

[Tabbygirl521]

Holy crap, MissyVixen! I think I am in the top ten SCTV fans in the universe. Lola Heatherton : HAAA!! I want to bear Catherine O'Hara's children.

[lookeyloo]

We are in our new to us house in another state. Mr lookeyloo has a sore toe which required a visit to the newly opened urgent care. This is interesting only because 6 weeks ago the same toe on the other foot caused 3 visits to urgent care in two different states to get the treatment right (we were visiting other son for third visit). He has an appointment with a potential new doctor on January 11th where these issues will be discussed. So for New Years Eve we will be alone with the toe. Tomorrow is my birthday. Local son and husband taking us out in the evening. That will be fun. Meanwhile very quiet here. Not complaining.

[Wellfleet]

HFC, so sorry for what you and your family are going through.  These are tough times.  We make it through but they leave a mark.  As many here have said, hospice care is so very helpful.  The people providing this care are incredible.  At the same time, as you note in your post, there are different levels of care.   You are there to speak for your mother.  If you feel fluids would help, tell them.  If she is showing signs of infection, tell them.  She cannot speak for herself and you know her better than they can.   You have been there when they were not.  She is so very fortunate to have you at her side. 

 

As for your question “Where is she? Where is a person who's not really here and not really gone?” she’s still here; she just can’t tell you.  That wonderful woman who could always make you laugh is still in there.  Unfortunately her body won’t let her jump out from behind trees anymore.  It is amazing what our minds will still absorb even when we seem far gone.  She knows you’re there.  Anything you can do to make her time more pleasant helps.  My sister went out to her best friend doing voices from South Park (Cartman:  Mom, the cat’s being a dildo!  Cartman’s mom:  I know a kitty who will be sleeping with mommy tonight.)  My great aunt heard big band music and me reading to her from the Sunday paper.  In each case there was a slight acknowledgement of what they were hearing.  My sister was laughing.  My aunt was moving her toes to the music. 

 

So give her what you can, whether it is voices, other sounds, scents, the feel of sunlight through a window, or whatever else she loved in life.  And know that the part of her that can’t reach out to you can hear you and feel your presence.  With everything you are doing for her, she knows she’s loved.   That’s the best thing you can give her.

 

Love this - awesome post. My aunt has a MS in nursing and worked for 45 years - !!! - in hospitals mainly. And always reminded us that when a person is leaving this world, hearing is the last sense to go. So playing music, reading to loved ones etc is especially valuable. You may not be able to tell, but chances are, you are getting through. Happy New Year to everyone here! May 2016 bring a better life to us all, the world over... ⭐️⭐️⭐️ 

[SomePity1066]

Holy crap, MissyVixen! I think I am in the top ten SCTV fans in the universe. Lola Heatherton : HAAA!! I want to bear Catherine O'Hara's children.

Does that mean you'll be spending your New Year's Eve watching Dr. Tongue's 3D House of Stewardesses ?  ;)

[Happyfatchick]

I believe I must not have been clear in my earlier post (...I have a lot on my mind...). I'm not distressed or disappointed at all in the care we are receiving from our hospice provider. The only not-so-good experience has been when she was obviously in pain and distress throughout the night. Night before last, she was groaning in her sleep but unable to say that she hurt, or where. And it was a painful groan. I called hospice to get some direction. The night shift girl who answers and directs the call (the gatekeeper) was just not very "concerned" or even alert. She sounded very much like she was at the very least distracted, at worst asleep. My point is this: if you are attending to a patient who is on limited hospice and you call in the middle of the night, you PROBABLY aren't calling for a little chat. There was no sense of urgency or personal connection. she took my info and had "my" nurse call. Despite my obvious angst, HE didn't "kick in" mentally until I was standing over mom and she was making those awful noises. When he HEARD her, he said, "oh!!! Is that your mother? This patient needs morphine!" He also stated he would report the distress and have our day shift person call. I received no call back. Later that morning, I called back on the main line and asked for our day shift nurse to call. She called immediately. When I explained the situation to her, she seemed very concerned, but also uninformed. She was there within 30-40 minutes, and before sundown, we had a hospital bed and a shift to critical care until the crisis had passed. I don't remember posting all that, but maybe I did.

When my father went in the hospital (and ultimately passed on), I had been his advocate for many years. Even with me fighting, they did things I didn't approve of, and even some things I adamantly refused. (A bath and sheet change at 2:00am). He was only there four days - he was fairly sick, you know? It only took once for them to push a standing scale in there to weigh him, and an armload of sheets, towels, etc to turn me into the bitchfromhell. They actually GAVE him a bath that first night, with me arguing and crying. The second night when the door flew open at 2:00 and the nurse asst said "I'm here to give him a bath", I got up and blocked the door and said, "oooooh hell to the no. No no no. You are NOT waking up this dying man at 2 in the morning to give him a bath". She said, "I'ma have to report to my supervisor". I said (smiling sweetly, of course) "I don't care if Jesus Christ himself shows up in this room and demands to give him a bath, it's not happening in the middle of the night. But thank you". Sure enough, shortly, the nursing supervisor came to the room and questioned if I had refused his bath. I sure did. You can give ME a bath, I'm already awake. You are NOT waking that man. And this at one of the best hospitals in Atlanta.

I love the medical profession, I swear I do. I have great respect for them. Seriously. But I think sometimes the Things that fit their schedules are not best for patients. I assume most suffering patients aren't really "resting" anyway, day OR night. I'm sure a bath is a bath to many patients regardless of time. For MY Daddy, his mental status was never altered, and he rested best during normal night hours. Bathing at 2 was not part of his plan.

I've gotten a little rusty in the advocate role. I should have made more noise, rattled more cages for Mama the other night. I was emotionally involved, hearing and seeing her discomfort. I just wanted some direction. The day shift nurse is a rockin/Rollin/get'er done girl, and we love her. That said, I spent too many years in HR to not "mentally" critique every person providing us a service. We're a very average family. If I expect "X" and get "Y", other people probably have the same complaint. (I just don't usually quit until I'm addressing my concerns with the right people).

I didn't give her morphine, as she doesn't tolerate that very well. I chose another drug in my e-kit called ABH. Ativan, Benadryl, Haldol. I looooooove Haldol. This is a miracle drug from heaven. They did start an antibiotic for assumption of a uti, and it seems to be working. She is resting comfortably. That's all I'm asking, seriously. Help me make my mother comfortable. I'm so sorry if I gave the impression I was complaining about her care. Other than the middle of the night call, I've been very happy (and VERY relieved) for the support.

I think hospice is a godsend. Truly, I love the concept. If I were in charge of the company (and clearly, I am NOT), I would have an advocate assigned to each family (a day shift person, and a night shift person). That way, when I'm in distress, I know to call AAAAA between 12 noon and midnight, and BBBBB from midnight to noon. Even if AAAAA is sleepy, I still "know" them and trust that they are going to contact my nurse and have them call me. I honestly don't think it's a good idea for a panicked daughter to "try" to get help or direction in the middle of the night. I think that daughter would feel so much better if she could say, "Betty, my mother had had some sort of incident and is in pain. Who's on duty tonight? Scott? Great. Can you find him and have him call me as soon as possible? Thanks so much, Betty." That's what I would provide if I were in charge. Just saying (said the girl sitting in the hot seat right now).

But she is some better today, really. Resting without noises. Seems comfortable. No longer mobile, and I doubt we will return to that, and not successfully communicating. It's a hard game: life.

Edited December 31, 2015 by Happyfatchick

[Fuzzysox]

Happy New Year's Eve....see you guys next year!

[scriggle]

Happy New Year!

[Micks Picks]

HFC I absolutely love you.  I agree about communication with hospice.  I waited so many hours once to get a nurse to come that I had to call paramedics and have husband taken to hospital which is what hospice tells you not to do, but hell, somebody had to do something.  He wasn't just going to fade away, he was suffering and needed to breathe.  It didn't particularly bother me when I called to tell them he was dying and nobody showed up.  He was going to die from a brain bleed on top of everything else.  And he did.  They did send somebody to pronounce him after I called and said he died.  I'm glad the UTI is better.  The antibiotics and fluid is essential.  If your mom is going, she needs to go peacefully.  God love her and you.

[allonsyalice]

Happy 2016, ptv friends! May your year be fantastic.

[MunichNark]

Happy new year, lovies! I hope it will be a great one for you.

 

..........and spare a thought for us here, our new year started with a terrorist alert. This will be a fun year.

[SomePity1066]

Happy new year, lovies! I hope it will be a great one for you.

 

..........and spare a thought for us here, our new year started with a terrorist alert. This will be a fun year.

I was reading about that this morning and immediately thought of you, MunichNark ! Sending many hugs and hoping that you're safe and sound... 

[MunichNark]

I was reading about that this morning and immediately thought of you, MunichNark ! Sending many hugs and hoping that you're safe and sound... 

Thank you, that's kind.

 

Aye, all well, nothing happened yet......I was worried about a friend who was out near it, but no bother thankfully.

 

We will have more of that to come - and that something is going to happen is a given. Just a matter of when exactly. Sigh. I thought I left that behind when I left Northern Ireland.

 

Anyhoo, hope you all had a good start to the year.

 

Do you have any new year's traditions where you are? Myself, I eat white pickled cabbage (sourkraut) with mashed potato for lunch, to ensure I have enough money throughout the year. The cabbage represents whitegold, ie, money........

 

We've some fairly funky traditions in Germany though, from the fireworks to special Berliners (donuts to you) to melting lead to tell fortunes

[GeeGolly]

May all our chapters include peace and joy.

 

[Happyfatchick]

Thank you, that's kind.

 

Aye, all well, nothing happened yet......I was worried about a friend who was out near it, but no bother thankfully.

 

Do you have any new year's traditions where you are? Myself, I eat white pickled cabbage (sourkraut) with mashed potato for lunch, to ensure I have enough money throughout the year. The cabbage represents whitegold, ie, money........

 

Munich, I'm sending warm, protective thoughts your way as well. Since 9-11, things have changed all over the world. In America, we've lost our innocence, in a way. I think before that day, we were all terror-virgins and we were insulted when there was a breach. Since then, I swear, it seems we have to live a little more edgy every day, as our very neighbors may turn out to be someone we never knew at all. I'm not "good" at living in fear. I don't want to die early, but I refuse to turn in my Polyanna Club badge and gear.

[an aside: we live in a relatively rural area, although it's growing. I love me some ID TV, and sometimes in an investigation, they mention "they think she knew the intruder because there was no sign of forced entry". Turns out, my husband grew up far more rural than myself, so we both suck at security. I can assure you if I'm ever intruded upon and harmed, I probably do not know my attacker. Just saying. I'm home 90% of the time by myself and I never lock the door, even when I shower. If I did, a family member would most certainly drop by and ask why the doors are locked. My car sleeps in the garage every night - garage doors down - with the keys in the ignition and usually my purse in the floor. I do, however, have a very, very loyal rescue dog with very very large teeth and a business attitude with strangers. I'm not saying we're smart, I'm saying we're hicks.]

What a wonderful topic to ask about traditional meals on New Year's! I too will be eating sauerkraut with mashed potatoes and some manner of pork. Not because I'm a huge fan, but because our immediate circle of peeps hail from the Amish (descended from the German), and they've hammered home that tradition every year. I'm not a fan of the cabbagey/potato thing, but I do it once a year for them.

Generally in the south, our New Years meal is collards (or some form of greens) that represent $$$, and black eyed peas that represent money in the form of coins. And usually some form of chicken that doesn't represent prosperity at all...probably fried because we're in the south. We can't quite comprehend "dinner" without some form of meat. What???