S05.E01: Summer Bodies

[tvfanatic13]

I wonder how Lala feels about being the only "regular" besides Peter not in the opening credits?

[Neeners]

What the heck happened to Peter?!? I didn't even recognize him. 

[bethster2000]

3 hours ago, Silly Angel said:

chucklefucks

Introducing: my new favorite word.

[farmgal4]

12 hours ago, Teddybear said:

Woah Scheana's blue contacts in her TH's are creepy.  And she looks like a completely different person from Season 1.  

I agree.  I honestly didn't recognize her

[Adultosaurus]

20 minutes ago, farmgal4 said:

I agree.  I honestly didn't recognize her

AND, she wasn't petting her hair. (what is with that, btw)

[Jennifersdc]

Can't express again how happy I am to have my favorite chucklefuck schmactors back! 

It looks like Bravo finally coughed up some coin! Everybody's got nice new digs!

I really hope FI hasn't given up the crusty semen stained couch of shame though. Maybe he can donate it to the Smithsonian!

[tvfanatic13]

I thought Schaena's hair looked good.

[OnceSane]

1 hour ago, Adultosaurus said:

AND, she wasn't petting her hair. (what is with that, btw)

You see a lot of hair-petting/stroking/etc from the ladies wearing extensions.  They are making sure the extra hair stays in line with their actual hair (& I think some are checking that cheap shit to make sure it didn't fall out).

[HunterHunted]

3 hours ago, tvfanatic13 said:

I wonder how Lala feels about being the only "regular" besides Peter not in the opening credits?

Perhaps if she hadn't quit a month before filming had wrapped, she'd be in the opening credits.

Lala got a hero's edit last season. She came off like someone who talked a big game, but was mostly show. She was willing to get naked, but didn't bang any of the guys. She never got Tequila Katie drunk. To find out later that she was a lot more obnoxious and even pulled a knife on Faith, I can see why the others don't even want her in their orbit.

So Dame Brian Moylan is recapping Vanderpump Rules on Vulture. He said he recently met Schwartz and that Schwartz is super touchy. Apparently his hands are on you if you're having a conversation with him. This doesn't surprise me, but I've always felt that Schwartz is a make out slut and that booze just lowers his inhibitions. From what he's said on the show, he's made out with everyone except for James, Lala, and Lisa.

Edited November 8, 2016 by HunterHunted

[Adultosaurus]

10 minutes ago, HunterHunted said:

So Dame Brian Moylan is recapping Vanderpump Rules on Vulture

THANK YOU for this!!!

[ihartcoffee]

Chowing down on Kentucky muffin...

Vagina mafia....

So glad this show is back!

[FanOfTheFans]

So what is up with Brittany's personality?  Remember how easy going she was last year... It's like living with Jax destroys ones soul in dog years aging. 

Some of these people are getting a bit long in the tooth to be acting so crass and immature. I guess that's the entertainment value though. 

[OnceSane]

Brittany's milking her 15 minutes, she knows this gravy train won't last forever.  And I don't think she gained much weight, I think she put fillers in her face because that's the part of her body that looks puffier.

Lala is an ass…but that isn't brand new information.  And I'm not surprised she banged James, he whined bout it long enough that she probably did it just to shut him up.

Didn't FI hate James a season or two ago? I feel like they are "friends" so FI can play Scheana's role from last season during Kristen v. Everyone But Stassi.

[Jextella]

On 11/4/2016 at 1:53 PM, jaync said:

 

Not signed in

 

Not signed in

Busy work week so I wasn't able to watch but look forward to doing so over wine on Friday night!

I have to say I find it ironic that the premiere was on the heels of the elections.  Remember that old Jay Leno bit where he asked people on the street about American history and politics?  Everyone on this cast reminds me of the people he interviewed.  Utterly clueless but with a sense of entitlement.  Could be I'm wrong, but man.  That is the first thing I thought of tonight.

Edited November 9, 2016 by Jextella

[RHJunkie]

15 hours ago, WhosThatGirl said:

 I don't think Katie was being mean girl. I think Lala has been talking crap and being rude to Katie and none of these people like James so to have them come up to their table and take their drinks, how was Katie supposed to act? And then James called Katie fat. And Schwartz did nothing. Ariana and Tom showed up and Katie was like, "I know you like Lala but she was rude to me" and explained what happened. Ariana claims that Katie and Schena are her friends but yet didn't really seem to believe Lala would say those things. So I don't think she was being a mean girl, I think she's acting on the offensive for someone who apparently is rude to her daily. Stassi said to Schwartz of Lala that she tortures Katie. 

I definitely thought she was being mean girl but not with Lala and James. Shwartz's character is consistent. If Katie wants a man who is going to jump up with fists in the air every time someone says or pisses off his woman, then the onus is on her to find a man who's like that and not to expect that out of a man who isn't. But for the most part, it seems that her wanting 'support' from Shwartz has more to do with having her back when she's being irrational...and yes, dramatic. As soon as Tom and Ariana showed up, Katie went in on them sounding very condescending about 'their friends'. She was clearly trying to shame Tom and Ariana for their associate with James and Lala...as she sat around at a table with a best friend that treated her like shit and then left her high and dry, another friend that slept with her friend's bf and lied about it, another guy whose lying every time his lips are moving...the point being that none of them have portrayed themselves to be very good people...there was no need for Katie to respond that way to Tom and Ariana - she was more than fine in the way she handled James and Lala. And Ariana does come off bitchy but her confusion seemed genuine - not that she didn't believe the recounting of what had happened with James and Lala, but having just saw them and how they were acting, she wouldn't have guessed so much drama would have taken place. In any case, Katie wanting to say and do what she wants and expects Schwartz to co-sign her in front of everyone - that is an unhealthy and unfair expectation to have of someone else. I don't think Schwartz was disrespectful in how he tried to calm down Katie when she was going at Tom and Ariana. Katie was clearly getting on her high horse while ignoring her own nasty behaviour. She essentially threatened her friendship with Tom and Ariana by saying that people who are friends with Lala are dead to her. That is beyond childish and stupid which is ironic considering that she was talking about other people's IQ.

I know reality tv is scripted to some extent, but is Jax really this much of a lying gossip queen? Good Lord, it's like a disease or something for him. 

I can't even feel bad for any of them (maybe minus Shwartz) but they're all cut from the same cloth but somehow think they're better than the people they talk shit about, lol. 

I really liked Ariana's dress at the party and the shade of lipstick...but man, she has permanent resting bitch face, lol. 

Edited November 9, 2016 by RHJunkie

[bosawks]

Was Sandoval going for a skunk look with the hair.

[Rebecca]

On 11/5/2016 at 1:32 AM, methodwriter85 said:

Stassi really should consider becoming a dictator of a small country.

This America would like the option of moving to a Stassi-run country right about now...

James and Lala need to gtfo. They are so gross. Take Tom and Ariana along with them, actually.

I started listening to Stassi's podcast in between this season and last and it's a little weird watching her on the show now.

Did Lala really say she "flopped [her] vagina open" and banged James just to shut him up?

Edited November 9, 2016 by Rebecca

[snarts]

Quote

I have to say I find it ironic that the premiere was the night of the elections. 

The season premiere was Monday.

(Obviously) staged drama or not, I'm so happy to have the show back.  

[Duke2801]

11 hours ago, OnceSane said:

And I don't think she gained much weight, I think she put fillers in her face because that's the part of her body that looks puffier.

Hmmm...  but did she get fillers in her neck, arms, and thighs too?  Cuz those were certainly puffier than the season past. 

And of course the new double DDs were certainly adding to the overall "bigger" look.

[OnceSane]

I think FI Tom's flat iron ran away with Jax's soap…they are very happy together.

[syzygy]

2 hours ago, Duke2801 said:

Hmmm...  but did she get fillers in her neck, arms, and thighs too?  Cuz those were certainly puffier than the season past. 

And of course the new double DDs were certainly adding to the overall "bigger" look.

Brittany definitely gained a ton of weight. I'm not one to body shame or something but it always makes me wonder what these people get up to that they gain so much weight. Stress and partying, probably. I'm somewhat vain and I think I'd probably at least try to stay in shape if I was on a TV show, but I've had a couple times in my life where I've ballooned up a bit as well and it can just sneak up on you as you're living your life. 

That's why I was a little surprised to hear them calling Katie fat but saying nothing about Brittany, when Katie really didn't look that different. (edit: I mean it's not that surprising because I assume they don't have any real beef with Brittany so they wouldn't have a reason to call her names, just that in terms of gained weight she takes the cake... ha ha..) I also noticed that after James/Lala showed up and started all the arguments, Brittany was nowhere to be found. Like she wasn't sitting with them on the couch anymore and didn't reappear that entire night. Wonder what happened.

Edited November 9, 2016 by syzygy

[Watermelon]

15 hours ago, OnceSane said:

Brittany's milking her 15 minutes, she knows this gravy train won't last forever.  And I don't think she gained much weight, I think she put fillers in her face because that's the part of her body that looks puffier.

Lala is an ass…but that isn't brand new information.  And I'm not surprised she banged James, he whined bout it long enough that she probably did it just to shut him up.

Didn't FI hate James a season or two ago? I feel like they are "friends" so FI can play Scheana's role from last season during Kristen v. Everyone But Stassi.

They were (according to the show) friends who stopped being friends once James got with Kristen.  So I guess they've gone back to being friends....

[Tara Ariano]

In case you missed it, here's the Previously.TV post on the episode!

Vanderpump Rules Returns To Its Partygoer Roots

As Vanderpump Rules embarks upon its fifth season, we've got your SURver rankings, from worst to first.

[gunderda]

Does a grown man really have a break down over his parents divorcing when it was pretty well known that the relationship had gone south anyways??

Katie definitely looked like she had gained a little bit of weight.  You can see it in her face/jaw area. 

Brittany too but they all seem to still look ok in their Sur dresses or they're wearing a ton of shapewear. 

[ScoobieDoobs]

Wowza, Brittany definitely looks different.  Weight gain?  I suppose, but nothing that drastic.  Her face looks strangely different -- like she's messing with fillers.  Kinda hard not to notice.  Hey, it's part of the deal of being on a reality show -- everyone's looks get scrutinized.  But this coming from Jaxie-poo seems particularly hypocritical-

http://hollywoodlife.com/2016/11/08/jax-taylor-girlfriend-weight-gain-brittany-cartwright-body-shamers/

Sure, he's right to be defensive for Brittany.  But what do ya bet he'd be the FIRST one to point out everything viewers noticed about Brittany's looks?  He certainly hasn't changed.  He's exactly the same shallow jackass.

[ghoulina]

17 hours ago, OnceSane said:

Didn't FI hate James a season or two ago? I feel like they are "friends" so FI can play Scheana's role from last season during Kristen v. Everyone But Stassi.

Yes, I think FI and James were friends before James dated Kristen. There was something sketchy, I believe, about the timing - when they started dating vs. when James moved out. I can't recall. But yes, then they HATED each other, and got into fist fights and disparaged each other's vehicles. Being that they were friends from before, I can buy that they finally got over it. FI seems able to be friends with anyone. But Ariana being friends with LaLa is what I have a really hard time believing. She always acts so superior and like she cannot be friends with tacky, stupid people. LaLa could be found under both of those in the dictionary. 

 

12 hours ago, Rebecca said:

Did Lala really say she "flopped [her] vagina open" and banged James just to shut him up?

I think she said she flopped her legs open, LOL. 

[Peachyqueen]

Oh no! It finally happened! I always read posts about getting bored with recycled storylines on shows, FFwding through scenes, being done with the show, etc and I have never felt that sentiment until I watched tonight! Booooo. Bored with the whole thing, cooked dinner in the other room half the time, totally fast forwarded through the James/Lisa scene. Wash, rinse, repeat. These are all horrible, emotionally stunted human beings with the exception of Schwarz and I still side eye him for marrying Katie. 

Eh, I'm not at "delete from DVR" status yet, but man I'm disappointed that I didn't feel more excited for this! 

[chick binewski]

20 hours ago, ScoobieDoobs said:

Sure, he's right to be defensive for Brittany.  But what do ya bet he'd be the FIRST one to point out everything viewers noticed about Brittany's looks?  He certainly hasn't changed.  He's exactly the same shallow jackass.

Seriously. Last season he pays for her unnecessary surgery, this season he starts a rumor about her ersatz lesbianism in an effort to make himself more interesting by association.

Which brings me to another point: I can't understand how Kristen gets with so many people. It might just be a reflection of her personality but she always looks like she smells bad.

[ScoobieDoobs]

Cigarette Sally?  Oh, I'm sure she smells just yummy.  

Doesn't it seem more ridiculous than ever that any of these fools actually work in SUR anymore?  Well, now so many of them don't -- Stassi, Kristen & Schwartz.

Why does Peter look so different?

Jeez, Jax still looks so damn greasy.   Hey Brit, can ya sponge his grease off?

[lisalionheart]

I don't mind the "will they or won't they" story line for Katie and Schwartz. Feels totally possible to me that they had trouble in the run-up to the wedding. That "your dick doesn't work" line in the preview for the season is incredibly harsh, and call me naive, but that doesn't seem scripted to me. Katie seems to be genuinely mean when she's drunk and/or angry.

I also think some version of the Brittany-Kristen thing happened, but maybe Brittany was really, really, really drunk. I don't want to accuse Kristen of anything, but it seems possible that what Brittany initially saw as a sloppy makeout went further than she wanted it to. Either way, Jax is an asshole for telling everyone.

[ghoulina]

Also, I gave Jax the side eye when he said he'd always thought he'd be into such a thing, but when he actually saw it he was pissed. If that is the case, I believe he was only pissed because they did it without him. If it was his idea, he was invited, etc. - he'd be all over it. 

[DeeReynolds]

I cannot imagine having my boyfriend spread such rumors about me like Jax! How embarrassing to have that be shown on national television, true or not! Brittany has a lot of tolerance because I would be mortified and dump Jax asap. Well actually, I would never have hooked up with his slimy ass in the first place, so it's a moot point I suppose. Or rather a "moo" point for any Friends fans!

[lisalionheart]

On 11/11/2016 at 10:22 AM, ghoulina said:

Also, I gave Jax the side eye when he said he'd always thought he'd be into such a thing, but when he actually saw it he was pissed. If that is the case, I believe he was only pissed because they did it without him. If it was his idea, he was invited, etc. - he'd be all over it. 

I think that if it were done for his benefit, he'd be all over it. He wants two women to fool around to turn him on--not to turn on each other. It's only OK if it's a performance.

[ScoobieDoobs]

Wait, what's goin' on with FI's hair?  Looks flat ironed with a slight poof on top & then some kinda curled piece behind one ear -- or was it both ears?.  And did I see some lameass highlights too?  Uh, what the fuckety, FI?  Is he trying to be Streisand in Funny Girl singing My Man?

Oh Jax, you're such a slimeball liar, but to make up dumb shit about your girlfriend just to give yourself some cam time & a storyline?  Sheesh, what a lowlife.  Why not just steal something again, Jaxie-poo?

Wow, Stassi, you are totally irrelevant to this show now.  And yet, I still like her on here.  Maybe she can fit in better somehow.  She def needs to tone down that neon dayglo hair color.  Otherwise she looks really good.

I can't anymore w/Lala & her skank aura.  Go away -- immediately.

Edited November 13, 2016 by ScoobieDoobs

[wheresmypizza]

Ariana= Human Eyeroll.

[editorgrrl]

• I am strictly dickly.—Brittany

On Watch What Happens Live, LVP said Tom's highlights were pink for a while. (She thought he was emulating her.) LVP thinks something definitely happened between Brittany and Kristen—and she's shocked that Jax isn't full of shit (for once). She said Jax always wants to be in the middle of something, as does Kristen—like Brittany's legs </rimshot>.

[JenE4]

I've been so distraught in the wake of the election that I forgot to come read/post about VDPR! This is what the country needs to come together in mutual disgust over Jax and James. This was such an action-packed premiere! Everyone really saved up their drama over the hiatus and brought it for Day 1 filming! Way to go, gang!

Although I didn't recognize half of them. I literally had to close my eyes to recognize Peter's voice to figure out who he was. Did he have a face transplant or something? There's nothing remotely discernible about him, yet I think just a shave and a haircut made him a new person, like back in the day when Sally Jessie Rafael and Jenny Jones would find these lumberjack/homeless looking guys and give them a shave and they would look like a James Bond. (Hopefully someone is old enough to remember those talk shows.) Speaking of haircuts... Oh, Sandoval, get your flatiron back ASAP, bro; I think he had a mangy roadkill skunk transplanted into his head. And Scheana's face is totally different, too. I think James said nose job? That must be it--bare minimum.

So is this season's mystery going to be a did they or didn't they about Kristin and Brittany or is Jax just lying as usual. What is this season 35 at this point? I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the biggest twist will be that Jax is actually telling the truth--for the first time ever--but of course no one will believe him 'cause Jax is Jax. Jax and Brittany will also be this season's big break-up story, because there's always a break up story.

um, I wish I remembered to post last week. I think I had a lot to say. [Insert witty insights here.] ;-) Oh, I was surprised to see Jax and Stassi sitting together and talking at that party! Ok, this is my other prediction that will 99.9999999% NOT happen but would make my trashy television dreams come true--Jax and Stassi get back together.

[Ubiquitous]

On ‎11‎/‎8‎/‎2016 at 2:27 PM, Jennifersdc said:

I really hope FI hasn't given up the crusty semen stained couch of shame though. Maybe he can donate it to the Smithsonian!

Didn't FI, with the help of Shwartz and Jax, take that crusty semen-stained couch to the curb, possibly for laLa to pick up for her apartment?

[HunterHunted]

2 hours ago, Ubiquitous said:

Didn't FI, with the help of Shwartz and Jax, take that crusty semen-stained couch to the curb, possibly for laLa to pick up for her apartment?

It was Faith who picked up Sandoval's couch.