S05.E01: Summer Bodies

[OnceSane]

Quote

Jax spreads a shocking rumor, jeopardizing the best relationship he's ever had, in the Season 5 premiere. Also: Stassi mobilizes the ladies against James and Lala following a fat-shaming incident; and scandalous gossip is unearthed about Lala.

[Diane Mars]

Wheeeeeeeeee ! D-Day minus 5 !!!!!!!!!!

[Princess Sparkle]

I'm almost embarrassed by how excited I am for this. 

[chlban]

20 hours ago, Princess Sparkle said:

I'm almost embarrassed by how excited I am for this. 

You are not alone. I love this cluster@#$@. 

[ivygirl]

I'm giddy every time I see the ad.

[tvfanatic13]

3 days.....

[teapot]

This feels like we're waiting for Christmas!  :-)

[jaync]

Quote

Season 5 premiere

[methodwriter85]

On 11/2/2016 at 2:16 PM, OnceSane said:

Quote

Jax spreads a shocking rumor, jeopardizing the best relationship he's ever had, in the Season 5 premiere. Also: Stassi mobilizes the ladies against James and Lala following a fat-shaming incident; and scandalous gossip is unearthed about Lala.

Stassi really should consider becoming a dictator of a small country.

[Diane Mars]

Click-click, the clock is ticking.... D-Day -2 ! Wowowowowooooo \o/

[jennifrrr]

HAPPY VANDERPUMP RULES DAY! CANNOT WAIT!

[Diane Mars]

For me, it will be time to go to bed in about an hour (it's 10.10 PM my time) and Ieally hope that I'll get the wanted links tomorrow morning ! Wheeeeee !

[ivygirl]

So, we are back!

I know it's pointless to complain about drama on this show. Because the lame drama IS the point. But: Crap! Jax, what the heck? Blabbing a (likely exaggerated) story about your own girlfriend to the world? Didn't think I could be at a loss with this crew but... guess I am. ;)

And of course I'm glad to see that neither Ariana nor James have changed, like at all. 

And daaaaaaaaang, Peter? I seriously didn't recognize him!

*small voice* kinda love Sandoval's new hair *small voice* And he's still got the best comments. "Slung f'in cranberry." I wanna sling some cranberry!

Let the fun begin! 

[WhosThatGirl]

Oh.my. God. My favorite reality show is back Seriously. I love these people.  Schena is MVP for throwing the cranberry vodka on James. If I ever meet her I may have to buy her a pair of gold shorts.

But also second MVP might go to FI for his reaction to James blubbering about his parents divorce and his facial expressions. 

Also Lala is the worst. Along with James

Edited November 8, 2016 by WhosThatGirl

[whydoievencare]

Jax - if his lips are moving, he's lying. 

Edited November 8, 2016 by OnceSane
Politics

[Primetimer]

As Vanderpump Rules embarks upon its fifth season, we've got your SURver rankings, from worst to first.

View the full article

[chick binewski]

Peter??

Oh good, a recycled Incorrigible James conversation. James is the British overgroomed shouty love child of Vicki, Theresa and everyone's abusive ex-boyfriend. Go now.

[Guest]

The Kristen and Brittany thing was definitely discussed amongst the cast before filming started.  There is just no way that there are so many  zingers at the ready if its the first time Jax shared that story.

Edited November 8, 2016 by ParadoxLost

[ivygirl]

2 minutes ago, WhosThatGirl said:

But also second MVP might go to FI for his reaction to James blubbering about his parents divorce and his facial expressions. 

Flat Iron seems to have given up the flat iron! But he will always have the nickname :)

[chick binewski]

FI Tom's highlights are this season's Katie's orange hair.

[Ubiquitous]

Who had work done on their faces since last season?

I guess a better question would be who DIDN'T.

[WhosThatGirl]

I mean.. Lala is a horrible person. And Katie was right, wasn't Lala tweeting about all the cast members and whatnot? I wouldn't want to hang out with someone who did this to me either. 

And Arania is a fair weather friend. She just has such a cold personality, I don't find any warmness to her. That's in general. This isn't her being a cool girl, she just seems so unaffected and that bothers me. "Oh he made a joke about you being pregnant? What? " ugh. also yeah I love Schwartz but he needed to stick up for Katie

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, WhosThatGirl said:

"Oh he made a joke about you being pregnant? What? " ugh. also yeah I love Schwartz but he needed to stick up for Katie

It felt like Schwartz's reaction wasn't really about that incident because he should have stucjk up for Katie but about more general dynamics.

I get the sense that Katie being tight with Kristen and Stassi means he's hanging with the "mean girls" most of the time and that group doesn't include Tom and Jax very often because of the past history.

Schwartz seemed frustrated that Katie was irritated with Tom and Arriana going over to talk to James and Lala.

[WhosThatGirl]

Eh. I just think Ariana's whole behavior was kind of rude to her "friends ". I mean i guess I'm supposed to believe she and Lala became close when the show wasn't shooting, but I don't know. I guess Ariana wants to be all "rumors aren't always true" because we know how she fought so hard to say the tom and her rumor wasn't true.. when it kind of was? Parts of it were true, so.. 

[psychoticstate]

What the actual fuck is up with Flat Iron's hair?  Not just the Poltergeist stripe but  . . . the shape?  The tiny pony?  Uhhhhh . . . 

And Jax telling everyone and their grandmother that he caught Kristen going down south with Brittany . . huh?   God, these people.

I'm thrilled they are back.

Edited November 8, 2016 by OnceSane
No need to mention the election at all.

[Teddybear]

Woah Scheana's blue contacts in her TH's are creepy.  And she looks like a completely different person from Season 1.  

[Adultosaurus]

Shaena (whatever) with the scary blue contact lenses...is that like a Bravo code for "here lies the villain"?  

[Adultosaurus]

Serious question - since we know Katie and Tom actually did get married...how is Bravo asking us to suspend disbelief about this?  Did they just get sloppy controlling the narrative?

[WhosThatGirl]

12 minutes ago, Adultosaurus said:

Serious question - since we know Katie and Tom actually did get married...how is Bravo asking us to suspend disbelief about this?  Did they just get sloppy controlling the narrative?

Yes. They want you to watch so they've been acting in the season previews that the wedding doesn't actually happen... if they wanted to try to act like that then maybe they should have let the cast members know so that they weren't instagramming and snap chatting about it. 

[Adultosaurus]

Not gonna lie, I'll totally watch it anyway, but...I expect Bravo to have better control of their shit than this.  They're going to drag out the "will they/won't they" story line for the entire season when we all know that "they did".  Joke's on us, I guess!

[WhosThatGirl]

Oh I'm right there with you and I totally agree with you. They didn't do this type of thing with Schena and Shays wedding, the will they won't they? There's more wedding drama that they could have done actually, like with all the drama who do Katie and tom decide to invite? Or like I said.. tell these people not to release pictures to magazines or on their social media accounts! 

[Adultosaurus]

They (Bravo) seem to be so much more locked down with their other franchises (even Below Deck) so this one surprises me.  

[HunterHunted]

I'm choosing to believe that Sandoval's joke that cunnilingus os the LA handshake is a reference to The People v. OJ Simpson and Faye Resnick.

Sandoval's highlights are terrible.

I feel like Ariana has been assigned to James and Lala because she was obnoxious enough to believe that she should still get a check and be allowed to skip events when Kristen was present.

I don't know about Kristen and Brittany and their dip in the lady pond. Is it possible that Brittany is embarrassed to have her family in Kentucky know that she let Kristen do that? Yes. Is it possible that Jax was embellishing? Also yes. The fact Brittany didn't storm out of there tells me it was more than her description of a couple of drunken kisses.

DJ Muppet blubbering about his parents divorce shouldn't be hysterical, but it was.

[Adultosaurus]

1 minute ago, HunterHunted said:

I don't know about Kristen and Brittany and their dip in the lady pond. Is it possible that Brittany is embarrassed to have her family in Kentucky know that she let Kristen do that? Yes. Is it possible that Jax was embellishing? Also yes. The fact Brittany didn't storm out of there tells me it was more than her description of a couple of drunken kisses.

I think it's more possible that Brittany is gunning for a Bravo spot on another show and this is her penance.

[Long Spot]

Well, I guess we know how Jax plans to run this girlfriend off.  Then he can totally say "What?  What did I do?  She left ME!"

[bichonblitz]

Ok so we are supposed to believe that Jax walked in on Kristin going down on his girlfriend and then he did what? Quietly turned around and walked out of the room and never made a big deal about it until now when the camera's are rolling? Sure Jax, sure. 

Schwartz mentioning that Katie is falling back in to old habits is interesting. She's hanging with the Stassi and Kristin, drinking too much again and basically being a mean girl bitch again. Shame on Katie, I really thought last season she was totally getting her shit together. Not the case at all and Schwartz has a problem with it. We all know they get married but that doesn't mean all is going to be 100% good with them. 

Gordo has a new puppy friend. Cutest 2 dogs, ever. 

Looks to me like Brittany is the one who put on alot of weight, not Katie. LaLa needs to get her vision checked. 

[Adultosaurus]

7 minutes ago, bichonblitz said:

Ok so we are supposed to believe that Jax walked in on Kristin going down on his girlfriend and then he did what? Quietly turned around and walked out of the room and never made a big deal about it until now when the camera's are rolling? Sure Jax, sure. 

Schwartz mentioning that Katie is falling back in to old habits is interesting. She's hanging with the Stassi and Kristin, drinking too much again and basically being a mean girl bitch again. Shame on Katie, I really thought last season she was totally getting her shit together. Not the case at all and Schwartz has a problem with it. We all know they get married but that doesn't mean all is going to be 100% good with them. 

Gordo has a new puppy friend. Cutest 2 dogs, ever. 

Looks to me like Brittany is the one who put on alot of weight, not Katie. LaLa needs to get her vision checked. 

I think Jax walked in on his castmate Kristen going down on his castmate Brittney and then he read the script.

[movingtargetgal]

3 hours ago, psychoticstate said:

What the actual fuck is up with Flat Iron's hair?  Not just the Poltergeist stripe but  . . . the shape?  The tiny pony?  Uhhhhh . . . 

I think he may be trying to grow it out so he can put it in a man bun.

[Rosebud1970]

Schwartz should stick up for Katie when she's being attacked by the likes of DJ Muppet and Lalalalala.

Calling out your fiancée as being fat and looking pregnant in front of all your friends is fighting words. You don't be Switzerland in the face of that. Nunh unh.

And what has happened to Brittany? She's gotten quite heavy and it's not just the boob job.

Still don't like Ariana. She leaves me cold. She thinks she's too good for all this and that her shit don't stink.

She's wrong about that.

[Adultosaurus]

WHAT IS UP WITH PETER'S FACE - all caps because this might be the most important forward movement in the off-season. He's bloated and clean shaven...

Spoiler

  

[Suck It Trebek]

Tom Schwartz jumped up really quick to defend Tom Sandoval from Stassi, Katie, et al, so he has no issues with defending people he cares about. It seems to be just Katie that he can't/won't stick up for. 

[The Mighty Peanut]

30 minutes ago, Suck It Trebek said:

Tom Schwartz jumped up really quick to defend Tom Sandoval from Stassi, Katie, et al, so he has no issues with defending people he cares about. It seems to be just Katie that he can't/won't stick up for. 

This. He kept saying he didn't want to inherit a grudge--but there's a difference between inheriting a grudge and someone walking up to your table and calling your girlfriend a fat bitch. And to stick up for FI Tom so fast...

[ghoulina]

Yes! It's back! 

LOL @ the title. I'm not sure when this was filmed, but some of the women definitely weren't strutting summer bodies. Katie, IMO, doesn't really look any different from the last few seasons, but I don't think she dresses in a flattering way. She actually looks best in that ugly SUR dress! I don't think her hair cut flatters her either. But Brittany - wow. The contrast between those flashback scenes where she first met Lisa....to now. Homegirl has been sampling the SUR goat cheese balls. 

So yea, Brittany works at SUR now. And Jax is just LOVING that. Not only do they rarely get a break from each other, but he can't even flirt and get up to shennanigans at work. His own girlfriend is literally cock blocking him. It's so hilarious. 

As to the "incident" with her and Kristen, I'm undecided. Did it happen? Did it not? On the one hand, I wouldn't put anything past Kristen, and when Jax mentioned it to her the first time, she didn't seem to reject the idea. But it was a loud party, so maybe she didn't understand what he was saying? OTOH, Jax is a chronic liar. He lies just to lie. He doesn't even need a reason, but I can see him wanting to embellish the story because it makes his girlfriend sound extra "freaky". But even if it IS true, it's clear Britt doesn't want it known, so it was pretty shitty of him to talk about it on air and to everyone with a pair of ears. And, no, I don't care that it's technically "cheating", because Jax has been shady as fuck with his relationship with Brittany from the start. The whole thing is one big ball of dysfunctional. 

Speaking of - so James and Lala finally boned and now they're best friends? Okay. More like they're stuck together because no one else likes them. I actually think Schwartz is bang on with his assessment of how Katie gets more "mean girl" when she's friends with Stassi. The 3 of them (with sometimes Scheana) definitely get very catty and cliquish, but I don't really give two figs about Lala. She asks for it. Don't walk right up to someone's table and start insulting their appearance and throwing shit at them, and then cry in the corner because they're so "mean" to you. Fuck right off with that shit. 

And I don't even begrudge someone being upset that their parents divorce after they're grown. It still hurts, I'm sure. But again - it's James. so I DGAF. I'm sure he's just upset Daddy went back to England because he lost access to a nice house, car, money, etc. 

Interesting that Arianna is friends with Lala now. I thought she couldn't be friends with unintelligent people? Lala has the IQ of a rock. Arianna is so fake, I cannot stand her. And Tom needs to ditch the man-pony, ASAP. 

Stassi is boring and way too orange. Her hair is so light, and the contrast with the skin color just looks awful. 

[Duke2801]

1 hour ago, ghoulina said:

LOL @ the title. I'm not sure when this was filmed, but some of the women definitely weren't strutting summer bodies. Katie, IMO, doesn't really look any different from the last few seasons, but I don't think she dresses in a flattering way. She actually looks best in that ugly SUR dress! I don't think her hair cut flatters her either. But Brittany - wow. The contrast between those flashback scenes where she first met Lisa....to now. Homegirl has been sampling the SUR goat cheese balls. 

Right? Damn, the change in her appearance was startling. I was looking down at my phone when those "comments" were made and I was SURE that the summer bodies/pregnancy comments had to be made towards Brittany.  Because Katie - while no, not as thin as she was in seasons 1 and 2 - basically looks the same.

James and Lala continue to be awful, but let's face it, none of these people are winning Citizen of the Year awards anytime soon. 

Katie and Tom's new addition to the family was the best looking one of the bunch.  What a cutie pie!  And yea the "will they/won't they" crap re: their upcoming wedding is lame and pointless. 

[WhosThatGirl]

 I don't think Katie was being mean girl. I think Lala has been talking crap and being rude to Katie and none of these people like James so to have them come up to their table and take their drinks, how was Katie supposed to act? And then James called Katie fat. And Schwartz did nothing. Ariana and Tom showed up and Katie was like, "I know you like Lala but she was rude to me" and explained what happened. Ariana claims that Katie and Schena are her friends but yet didn't really seem to believe Lala would say those things. So I don't think she was being a mean girl, I think she's acting on the offensive for someone who apparently is rude to her daily. Stassi said to Schwartz of Lala that she tortures Katie. 

Edited November 8, 2016 by WhosThatGirl

[Silly Angel]

I literally made popcorn to watch this. So happy the show is back!

James knew exactly what he was doing when he walked up to their booth at the party. He was looking to be an asshole and start a fight, and of course they all obliged him because none of these chucklefucks can resist. But somehow Lisa forgives him time after time--and this was even after a warning and his promise to be good!--so he knows he's bulletproof at whichever restaurant/lounge/club she shuffles him to.

I think what Tom was feeling his way toward in his inarticulate way was not specifically about "inheriting" Katie's grievances, but an overall sense that having her back in a marriage means to her that he has to support whatever dipshit mood she's in, this time regarding their circle of friends, but in the future, who knows? Seems she's looking for an automatic, "RAWR! My girlfriend right! Back down or fear my tiny, well-coiffed wrath!" no matter the subject.

Sigh, I'm not articulating it well either. Too much popcorn.

There were lovely details: Schaena's spandex pants for an afternoon wedding talk in an apartment were so apropos. I loved when Lala she and James are feud-bonding over their hatred of the group, James expects them to keep stoking each other's ire, and when he mentions Stassi, Lala shrugs, "I think she's hot." There's the old Lala; I missed her. And the line of the night goes to Katie, over the wine glasses: "It has finger holes."

I missed Peter. Where was he?

Oh, and Jax is a psychic vampire, leaching the life out of everyone he dates and aging them precipitously. Poor Brittney looked about 50.

[ghoulina]

19 minutes ago, WhosThatGirl said:

 I don't think Katie was being mean girl. I think Lala has been talking crap and being rude to Katie and none of these people like James so to have them come up to their table and take their drinks, how was Katie supposed to act? And then James called Katie fat. And Schwartz did nothing. Ariana and Tom showed up and Katie was like, "I know you like Lala but she was rude to me" and explained what happened. Ariana claims that Katie and Schena are her friends but yet didn't really seem to believe Lala would say those things. So I don't think she was being a mean girl, I think she's acting on the offensive for someone who apparently is rude to her daily. Stassi said to Schwartz of Lala that she tortures Katie. 

I mostly agree with this. I don't have any problem with how Katie handled Lala and James. They walked up ready to start shit, and were downright nasty. But I think there is a certain glee that Katie and the other girls get out of sitting around talking shit about someone else. I got this vibe more when they were back at Katie's important. Lala is nobody. Don't waste your breath on her. I think they have that immature mentality of LIKING having an "enemy". It unites them more than any true common interests do. 

 

18 minutes ago, Silly Angel said:

I think what Tom was feeling his way toward in his inarticulate way was not specifically about "inheriting" Katie's grievances, but an overall sense that having her back in a marriage means to her that he has to support whatever dipshit mood she's in, this time regarding their circle of friends, but in the future, who knows? Seems she's looking for an automatic, "RAWR! My girlfriend right! Back down or fear my tiny, well-coiffed wrath!" no matter the subject.

Sigh, I'm not articulating it well either. Too much popcorn.

No, I get what you're saying. Tom is just more passive than Katie, but that doesn't mean his way of handling a situation is any better than Katie's. Katies tends to blow up and confront people and Tom would rather just ignore them. SEVERAL people were yelling at James and Lala to get away, so what more of a difference would it have made if Schwartz jumped into the fray? 

I think what bothers Tom the most is when Katie jumps on Sandoval, because it effects the relationship between the two Toms. At the end of the day, you can't control who people are friends with. I'm not sure WHY Sandoval wants to spend any time with James, but it doesn't seem to be effecting Katie's life any. He didn't walk up and defend what James did. He was just like, "whatever". I've learned, over the years, that it's better to let people form their own opinions based on their own experiences. But everything usually works out in the end. Katie flips out on Sandoval, who hadn't really done anything, and then it's going to make Sandoval not want to be around Katie, and by extension - Scwartz. I think THAT'S why Tom gets annoyed with her. 

[Jennifersdc]

The long wait is over and didn't disappoint!

WTF did FI do to his hair? Did he finally blow out every electrical circuit at his apartment by plugging all 800 of his flat irons in at the same time?

Ariana is still dreadfully holier than thou, Jax is if possible even more sleazy, hopefully Kristen will bring her special brand of crazy, and all hail the return of Queen Stassi!

[walnutqueen]

OMG - if only I could squirt- I would.

First, LaLa - you are not Californicated or Porn Star - your name is a TELETUBBY. period

 

Sandoval - Your hair is my early Xmas gift, that keeps on giving.  From Bride of Frankenstein behind the right ear streak, to wannabe man-bun to your My Little PonyTail, No Words.  I squee.

I must watch again!

Edited November 8, 2016 by walnutqueen
infernal fucking tablet shit fuck piss cunt cocksucking motherfucking wankerspanker degenerate titlicker technoloyr

[OnceSane]

9 hours ago, Adultosaurus said:

Not gonna lie, I'll totally watch it anyway, but...I expect Bravo to have better control of their shit than this.  They're going to drag out the "will they/won't they" story line for the entire season when we all know that "they did".  Joke's on us, I guess!

 

9 hours ago, WhosThatGirl said:

Oh I'm right there with you and I totally agree with you. They didn't do this type of thing with Schena and Shays wedding, the will they won't they? There's more wedding drama that they could have done actually, like with all the drama who do Katie and tom decide to invite? Or like I said.. tell these people not to release pictures to magazines or on their social media accounts! 

The same thing happened on VH1's Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood with Ray J & his wife, Princess.  Everyone knows, through social media, that the wedding happened…it's the contrived drama that keeps us watching.