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The Good Quotes

ElectricBoogaloo

By ElectricBoogaloo
in The Good Place [V]

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blixie

blixie

Jason (aka, Acidcat):  You should listen to me. I came up with hundreds of plans in my life and only one of them got me killed.

Jason: I want to tell the story of the wing eating contest I lost, and the puking contest I won.

Jason: Fred Durst is throwing an orgy on a half-capsized yacht, I have to go.

Thank you for bringing Manny Jacinto and Jason Mendoza, aka the dark side of Josh Chan into my life The Good Place.

  • Love 4
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marinite

marinite

(edited)

Jason: 'I didn't get into heaven to go to school.'

Eleanor :  'You didn't get into heaven AT ALL, shirt-for-brains!'

I love the 'cursing' on this show.

Edited by marinite
fixed dialogue from show.
  • Love 7
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J0nas3

J0nas3

Michael: "That's the spirit! Don't even think about the fact that our slightest misstep could cause Fake Eleanor to suffer for eternity."

Chidi: "That's all I'm thinking about now!"

Michael: "Yep, shouldn't have said that. Regretted it immediately" 

  • Love 2
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bethy

bethy

Tahani: I'm going to miss these little perks when I'm down in the Bad Place, being forced to wear a knock off handbag and drink tap water

Chico: That's what you think hell is?

___

Shawn: As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements, not heard any evidence that... Oh, he's from Florida? Yeah. He belongs in the Bad Place.

  • Love 5
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sacrebleu

sacrebleu

(edited)

"Real" Eleanor: I'd be happy to eat anything that doesn't turn to spiders in my mouth.

(seriously, whoever thought that up is diabolical- that IS my idea of hell)

Edited by sacrebleu
  • Love 3
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rubaco

rubaco

"I feel like Friends in season 8, out of ideas and forcing Joey and Rachel together even though it made no sense."

I'm a little late to the game. Netflix just started streaming this so I binge-watched the season.

Also, it wasn't a line, but I laughed every time I saw the restaurant called The Good Plates.

  • Love 8
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Rachel81

Rachel81

I'm so happy this is on Netflix so I can binge rewatch before the new season -- and be reminded of my favorite lines.

Like Michael, explaining why "heaven" has frozen yogurt instead of ice cream: "There’s something so human about taking something great, and ruining it a little, so you can have more of it.”

And Michael describing his favorite color makes me happy-clap at the TV. "It's called "pleurigloss." ... It's the color of when a soldier comes home from war and sees his dog for the first time." The surest way to make my heart swell until I cry is watching soldier-and-dog reunion videos, and this makes me kind of sad I can't see 9th dimension colors.

  • Love 12
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ByTor

ByTor

I love this exchange:

Michael: Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?

Eleanor: And socks? Ew, who would do that?

Michael: People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point!

 

I also love every time Chidi says he's getting a stomachache.

 

  • Love 8
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Chaos Theory

Chaos Theory

(edited)

Eleanor:  "I would love to not watch tv but you canceled school.  Ahhh!  What have you done to me?  You monster!"  

 

From the same episode

Chidi "I am not going to have sex with someone to get them to stop talking to me."

Eleanor: "Really?  You and I are very different ."

Chidi "Yeah I noticed."  

 

Chidi:  "You can't kill Janet.  Killing is one of the most famous moral no-nos"

Edited by Chaos Theory
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ElectricBoogaloo

ElectricBoogaloo

  • Author

Eleanor: How did I die? I don't remember.
Michael: Yes, um, in cases of traumatic or embarrassing deaths, we erase the memory to allow for a peaceful transition. Are you sure you want to hear? All right, so you were in a grocery store parking lot. You dropped a bottle of something called Lonely Gal Margarita Mix for One, and when you bent down to pick it up, a long column of shopping carts that were being returned to the shopping cart collection area rolled out of control and plowed right into you.
Eleanor: Oof. That's how I died?
Michael: No, sorry, there's more. You were able to grab on to the front of the column of shopping carts, but it swept you right out into the street where you were struck and killed by a mobile billboard truck advertising an erectile dysfunction pill called Engorge-ulate. Funnily enough, the first EMT to arrive was an ex-boyfriend of yours.
Eleanor: Okay, that's I get it, thank you.

Eleanor: Um, so who was right? I mean about all of this?
Michael: Well, let's see. Hindus are a little bit right, Muslims a little bit. Jews, Christians, Buddhists, every religion guessed about 5%, except for Doug Forcett.
Eleanor: Who's Doug Forcett?
Michael: Well, Doug was a stoner kid who lived in Calgary during the 1970s. One night, he got really high on mushrooms, and his best friend, Randy, said, "Hey, what do you think happens after we die?" And Doug just launched into this long monologue where he got like 92% correct. I mean, we couldn't believe what we were hearing.

Michael: That's right. Soul mates are real. One of the other people in your neighborhood is your actual soul mate, and you will spend eternity together. So welcome to eternal happiness. Welcome to the Good Place. Sponsored by: otters holding hands while they sleep. You know the way you feel when you see a picture of two otters holding hands? That's how you're gonna feel every day.

Eleanor: So who is in the Bad Place that would shock me?
Michael:Uh, well, Mozart, Picasso, Elvis, basically every artist ever, uh, every U.S. president except Lincoln.
Eleanor: That sounds about right. What about Florence Nightingale?
Michael: That was close, but, no, she didn't make it.

Chidi: Are you sure this isn't you?
Eleanor: Yeah, man, I'm pretty sure I wasn't a death row lawyer who collected clown paintings and rescued orphans.

Eleanor: Somebody royally forked up. Somebody forked up. Why can't I say fork?
Chidi: If you're trying to curse, you can't here. I guess a lot of people in this neighborhood don't like it, so it's prohibited.
Eleanor: That's bullshirt.

Chidi: I'm sorry, I don't think I can help you. I just don't like being dishonest, and I can't advise you to be dishonest either.
Eleanor: Come on, I'm just asking you to fudge a little bit. You must've told a few white lies in your life. I mean, what was your job?
Chidi: I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy.
Eleanor: Motherforker!

Eleanor: Look, I might not have been a saint, but it's not like I killed anybody. I wasn't an arsonist. I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.
Chidi: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.

Eleanor: Tahani, what a condescending bench. Am I right? Why does she still have that British accent, right? No one else here has an accent. She's choosing to have that accent. "Oh, hello. "I am just a big, beautiful, utterly perfect cartoon giraffe."
Chidi: Okay, I think it's time to go home.
Eleanor: Wait, wait, wait. I just have to go upstairs real quick and steal a bunch of gold stuff.

Eleanor: You're a nice person, Chidi Anaconda.
Chidi: Anagonye.
Eleanor: Aganocomonga.
Chidi: Anagonye. 
Eleanor: Ags say it again. 
Chidi: Anagonye.
Eleanor: No, say what you said before.
Chidi: I did. It's Anagonye.
Eleanor: You just changed it.
Chidi: I didn't change it. I's my name. Argrugande.
Eleanor: Ariana Grande. That's a person. I did it.

Eleanor: I wasn't freaking Gandhi, but I was okay. I was a medium person. I should get to spend eternity in a medium place! Like Cincinnati. Everyone who wasn't perfect but wasn't terrible should get to spend eternity in Cincinnati.

  • Love 6
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ElectricBoogaloo

ElectricBoogaloo

  • Author

Eleanor: Hey, how do I make that helper woman show up? Hello? Front desk lady? Magical slave robot?
Chidi: Excuse me, Janet?
Janet: Hi there.
Eleanor: Gah still not used to it. Um, Janet, I need - quick question: can anyone access our search history, or is this an incognito browsing situation like when you're stalking a hot male man from your work computer?
Janet: It is 100% confidential. No one can access what you ask me, including Michael. Now, what kind of pornography would you like to see?

Michael: Boy, my armpits are leaking. What is that called again? 
Janet: Sweat. 
Michael: Right, right. Still not used to being in a human body. And what do you do with sweat? Do do you lick it away, is that right?
Janet: No, you dab it with a cloth.
Michael: Oh, right. And then you lick the cloth? That seems weirder.

Tahani: That was my first time as a fashion don't and I did not care for it.

Eleanor: Where did you get a chalkboard?
Chidi: It's the Good Place. You can get anything you want at any time.
Eleanor: And you chose a chalkboard?

Chidi: Tell me one fact that you know about me. I mean, we spent the whole day together. You must remember something. What country am I from? 
Eleanor: Is it racist if I say Africa?
Chidi: Yes, and Africa is not a country.

Chidi: Your favorite book is Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed.

Eleanor: Hey, up there, having fun, or does it maybe suck, probably?
Woman: I'd say it's like 50 million simultaneous orgasms, but better. How's volunteer garbage pickup? 
Eleanor: About the same.

Tahani: You know, this really reminds me of my time in Vietnam, picking up mortar shells with my godmother, Diana. Doesn't really matter of what she's a princess of. It's not really important.

Tahani: I have to say this neighborhood that you've built is truly a masterpiece, the likes of which I've never seen. And I've been to Johnny Depp's private bird sanctuary.

Tahani: I can't believe they've managed to mix one million flavors together, and yet, somehow, I can taste each individual one. It's remarkable.
Michael: I got no-flavor.

Tahani: You know, sometimes a flaw can make something even more beautiful, like with Cindy Crawford and how short she is.

Eleanor: I felt bad about what I did. It was a weird feeling. Not used to it. Didn't love it.

Eleanor: Do you know what the best part about this place is? You figured out how to make a to-go cup that doesn't leak right where the seam meets the lid.
Michael: Oh, I'm so glad you noticed. I was very proud of that. One of the hardest problems I had to solve.

Eleanor: I like to drip dry in the nude, so eyes to yourself, perv.

  • Love 8
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ElectricBoogaloo

ElectricBoogaloo

  • Author
(edited)

Chidi: So Aristotle was Plato's student. And Aristotle believes that your character is voluntary because it's just the result of your actions, which are under your control. For example, right now, you have made the insane choice to ignore the person who is literally trying to save you from eternal damnation.
Eleanor: No, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm listening. Uh, I just, are we sure we should be paying attention to these guys? It's like, who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics?
Chidi Plato.

Eleanor: "Welcome to the neighborhood even though we all arrived here at the same time. Here's some dirt I put in a bowl because I'm amazing."
Chidi: I thought it was kind of a nice gesture.
Eleanor: Oh, Chidi. It's a total con. I see through her little act.
Chidi: Her act of being a nice person who brings you gifts? 
Eleanor: Bingo.

Janet: Ugh, been there, brother. Workin' hard or hardly workin', am I right? Hump day.
Michael: Uh, sorry. Janet's functioning as my assistant, but she's a little stiff, so I've been trying to get her to be a little more casual and conversational.
Janet: I'll have what she's having.
Michael: It's a work in progress.
Chiki: I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Janet: Not if I see you first. Where's the beef?
Chidi: I don't know. 
Janet: Hump day.

Chidi: I spent 18 years working on my manuscript called "Who We Are and Who We Are Not colon Practical Ethics and Their Application in the Modern World semi-colon a Treatise."
Michael: Yes, yes, yes, that's the one.

Eleanor: She wants everybody to think she's such a perfect princess just cause she's tall and glamorous and has cappuccino skin and curves everywhere and now I'm complimenting her. And kind of turned on. The point is, she straight up sucks, bro.

Tahani: I think the primary reason that I'm in the Good Place is that I raised quite a lot of money for non-profit groups.
Eleanor: Oh. Did you ever, uh, skim a little off the top for yourself?
Tahani: Gracious, no, no! Every penny was accounted for. And as I raised nearly $60 billion, there was quite a lot of pennies. But I also dabbled in some other professions. I was a model, a museum curator, an It Girl, and oh, I was Baz Luhrmann's muse for a while. That was quite fun.
Eleanor: Modeling? That's a crazy life. Want to tell me about that rock bottom you probably hit?
Tahani: Oh, I didn't really do it for long. Couture just doesn't fit my body. I'm cursed with ample bosom.
Eleanor: And yet you soldier on.
Tahani: Oh, this is silly so "Tahani" means "congratulations" in Arabic. And "Al-Jamil" means "beautiful," so my full name altogether means-
Eleanor: "Congratulations, beautiful."
Tahani: Thanks, Eleanor. You big flirt.

Michael: This is the perfect hobby for you, Chidi - cartography. Your neighborhood stretches way beyond what you've already seen. And you can map it, revealing all of the mysteries, like an explorer.
Chidi: I see how that might be fun. Uh, but, uh, exploring makes me nervous. I have what doctor's call "directional insanity. " I once got lost on an escalator. So not exactly Christopher Columbus.
Janet: Fun fact: Columbus is in the Bad Place because of all the raping, slave trade, and genocide.
Michael: The fact that it makes you nervous is exactly why you should do it. You know, get out of your comfort zone. Become a trail-blazer.
Janet: Fun fact: all deceased members of the Portland Trail Blazers basketball team are also in the Bad Place.
Michael: Yeah, sorry about this. I steered her away from colloquialisms and into fun facts and trivia tidbits. I thought it'd be more in her wheelhouse.
Janet: Fun fact: a wheelhouse is a part of a boat.
Michael: Okay, thank you, Janet, thank you.
Janet: Fun fact: Janet is me.

Janet: I'm loving that hat on you. It would look even better on my floor.
Chidi: What is happening now?
Michael: I suggested she be friendlier. She seems to have slipped right into overt sexuality.
Janet: I got something you can slip into.
Michael: Janet, no! No, Janet.

Tahani: Well, I should really be going. I have to begin my 12 step Korean skincare regimen.

Eleanor: "The Diary of Tahani Al-Jamil." [foreword by Malala Yousafzai and Kylie Minogue]

Michael: Okay, arc welding. You could learn sculpture, you can make furniture, you can get your hands a little greasy, you know, and you make things.
Chidi: This equipment is very scary!
Janet: Don't be a baby. It can't hurt you. Watch, I'll blowtorch your face off. 
Michael: Janet. 
Janet: Whatever. This whole thing is stupid.
Michael: Oh, brother. I told her to be less flirty and now she's cruel and distant apparently. I just can't get this right.

Chidi: Thank you for trying to find me a new hobby. Um, but I just want to be an academic. I want to keep working on my manuscript.
Michael: Chidi, here's the thing - see, I read your whole book, all 3,600 pages of it. It's, um, how shall I put this?
Janet: It's a mess, dude. 
Chidi: Hey!
Michael: She's right. You see, Chidi, I can read the entirety of the world's literature in about an hour. This took me two weeks to get through. I mean, it's so convoluted, I just kept reading the same paragraph over and over again, trying to figure out what the heck you were saying. I mean, on page 1,000, you start section two with the sentence, "Of course, the exact opposite might be true." You're a brilliant guy, Chidi. But you just kept revising and rewriting and adding words to your title.

Chidi: Eleanor, in order to be a good person, you have to do good things. And not stealing people's stuff, that is just a basic kindergarten rule. I mean, do I also have to tell you to not throw sand?
Eleanor: First of all, throwing sand is an excellent way to put out a vodka fire.
Chidi: Why would you even know that?

Eleanor: Great news, I got us tickets to the Coyotes game. 
Boyfriend: Awesome!
Eleanor: But, ooh, yikes. Turns out two of the players have DUIs. Guess we can't cheer for that team. You know what? Instead, let's just stay in, watch a Roman Polanski movie, listen to R. Kelly, and eat Chik-fil-A. Does that sound good? There's bad stuff everywhere, man. It's impossible to avoid.
Boyfriend: Yeah, but shouldn't we just try? Shouldn't we just try to do the right thing whenever we can?
Eleanor: Why? It's so much harder to live like that.

Chidi: Even though I might have gotten lost in the weeds, I loved writing this book. And I want to try again. So will you be my advisor?
Michael: Chidi, all I want is for you to be happy, so if spending eternity getting blunt feedback on your circular, rambling ideas will make you happy, then of course I will be your advisor.

Janet: Now I'm back to normal. It turns out that the best Janet was the Janet that was inside Janet all along.
Michael: She was feeling a little lost, so I gave her a self-help book to restore her confidence.
Janet: Now I'm living my truth and creating my bliss.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
  • Love 4
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Terrafamilia

Terrafamilia

On 12/20/2017 at 6:27 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Eleanor: Gah still not used to it. Um, Janet, I need - quick question: can anyone access our search history, or is this an incognito browsing situation like when you're stalking a hot male man from your work computer?

I believe that was "mailman".

  • Love 1
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AnnaRose

AnnaRose

1 hour ago, scarynikki12 said:

The Good Place audience: Yay!  Mindy got her cocaine!

 

::Derek explains that his nuts are wind chimes::

...

Mindy: I can work with that.

Thanks.  I was wondering how it ended.  My DVR cut off right when Mindy started reading the note.  I didn't even know about the cocaine until I started reading here.

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Mabinogia

Mabinogia

I really need someone in my life to do something incredibly stupid so I can call them the Thomas Edison of incompetence. I love that. 

Reading these quotes makes me laugh as much as they did when I watched them on the show. It's just such a quotable show. 

  • Love 3
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Lugal

Lugal

(edited)

Tahani: ...ten stone griddle chip.

Everyone else: *confused*

Tahani: It's a large pancake! Really, people, you can pick these up by context!

 

Janet: I've been drunk on magnets all morning and I can literally hear every sound in the universe, so can you all talk a little quieter.

 

Michael: Something--something, Vicki, something--something.

 

Derek!

Edited by Lugal
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Ailianna

Ailianna

14 hours ago, Lugal said:

Tahani: ...ten stone griddle chip.

Everyone else: *confused*

Tahani: It's a large pancake! Really, people, you can pick these up by context!

I LOVED her irritation.  You really can!

  • Love 5
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Rinaldo

Rinaldo

Shawn: Welcome home. Axe up.

Michael: Oh! New scent! Transformers!

Shawn: Yes. It makes you smell the way Transformers movies make you feel.

….

6 scenes later:

Eleanor [to Michael]: Where have you been? Oh — how do you smell loud and confusing?

====

Demon waiter: Hors d’oeuvres?

Jason: Oh, whattaya got?

Waiter: Soul food from Maine, bagels from Arkansas, Hawaiian pizza of course. And egg salad from a hospital vending machine in Azerbaijan.

====

Chidi: I don’t want to go back to the bathroom, because they put mirrors in the toilet, and that makes you really confront what you’re doing.

  • Love 9
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