Small Talk: The Prayer Closet

[Liddy52]

This morning I double masked for the first time when going to church, cloth mask over surgical mask. Our church has less than 25 people most Sundays in a sanctuary that holds about 120 if full. We are required to wear masks, physically distance and there is no singing. At the conclusion of the church service, I asked a " friend " if a mutual friend was okay because I hadn't seen her at church in several Sundays.  Said " friend" came up much closer than I was comfortable with ( as I tried to discreetly back away) hissing that she and the mutual friend were fed up with wearing masks and started talking about how other churches/activities didn't require masks. I just nodded and started moving on when " friend" asked, "And WHY are you wearing two masks?" I explained that I had been reading that it was better, and I just decided to try it today. I admitted that I found it a little harder to breathe when talking but I wanted to give it a try. She then let loose with a tirade on someone on TV saying 2 didn't help etc. I still didn't argue with her. She then told me that Dr. Fauci helped make up the virus. Confused,  I told her that I didn't understand.  "DR. FAUCI  she heartedly replied,  "that scientist on TV!" I explained that I knew who Dr. Fauci was but I didn't understand what she was saying he did. Turns out she believes he helped develop the virus and set it loose. So, now I just feel that I can't leave that unanswered, although I probably should have.  So, I said, hopefully politel, that I didn't believe that to be true.I believed it to have evolved naturally.  She then assured me vehemently that she had researched it and it most certainly was true. ( From past experience with this person,  she believes EVERYTHING ON FACEBOOK.  Trying to diffuse a potential argument in the sanctuary of the church, I told her that it was something we would just have different opinions on and we just had to respect each other's opinions. She sort of nodded. And then I unfortunately added that we shouldn't judge others for their opinion. She very sanctimoniously declared she never judged others, that it was not her place and exited in high dungeon. ( Actually, she does judge people who think differently frequently, and I have been on the receiving end of that judgment more than once. However it probably would have been better had I not said anything about not judging others.) So, that was my unfortunate experience at church this morning.  I wish I had @Happyfatchick 's knack at story telling.  She could have made it much clearer!

 

 

 

[realityfan26]

@Liddy52 I'm sorry you had to deal with that at church of all places. I have a friend who posted the Fauci theory on Facebook. I didn't even bother responding as her mind is made up.

[Zella]

2 hours ago, Suzn said:

I should have asked my question in Small Talk, which I realized as soon as I posted.

Yes, I have peridot, but I'm a jewelry lover anyway.  I have a fairly large solitaire peridot ring and a necklace with the stone set to move with your heartbeat so it twinkles.  Peridot is not hugely popular but a decent quality stone is very pretty.

No worries! I started that off-topic train. Lol

 I bet those are lovely! The one I had was a necklace. 

I've had some allergic reactions to jewelry (probably because it was cheap), so that's why I don't wear much jewelry. I always joke I'm allergic to fashion since I also have trouble with perfumes, hairspray, and most makeup. 

But I did have a necklace that had the pendant on a cord, and I wore that until it fell off. I'll have to poke around and see if I can find something cool with a peridot. I love the sounds of the one that twinkles! 

[crazycatlady58]

2 hours ago, crazycatlady58 said:

I bought some kn95 from Amazon.  I did the water test and the candle test they " passed" both. I decided just to use that brand. I cannot get the perfect mask so I will try not to worry about it. You read so many different things that sometimes it feels whatever you do is wrong. 

You put on your mask and try to blow a candle out. If you can't it is supposed to mean its a good mask. You put a little water in your mask and hang it up if the water seeps through it is not a good mask. I don’t know how true this is but it makes a little sense. 

[Oldernowiser]

@Liddy52, I admire you taking a stand for truth. I’m just sorry it was required.

You were far more articulate and kind than I could have been... I tend to sputter frustrated nonsense syllables while trying not to curse, throw my hands in the air, stalk off, and then spend three days obsessing over what I wish I had said. Good for you!

[crazycatlady58]

1 hour ago, Liddy52 said:

This morning I double masked for the first time when going to church, cloth mask over surgical mask. Our church has less than 25 people most Sundays in a sanctuary that holds about 120 if full. We are required to wear masks, physically distance and there is no singing. At the conclusion of the church service, I asked a " friend " if a mutual friend was okay because I hadn't seen her at church in several Sundays.  Said " friend" came up much closer than I was comfortable with ( as I tried to discreetly back away) hissing that she and the mutual friend were fed up with wearing masks and started talking about how other churches/activities didn't require masks. I just nodded and started moving on when " friend" asked, "And WHY are you wearing two masks?" I explained that I had been reading that it was better, and I just decided to try it today. I admitted that I found it a little harder to breathe when talking but I wanted to give it a try. She then let loose with a tirade on someone on TV saying 2 didn't help etc. I still didn't argue with her. She then told me that Dr. Fauci helped make up the virus. Confused,  I told her that I didn't understand.  "DR. FAUCI  she heartedly replied,  "that scientist on TV!" I explained that I knew who Dr. Fauci was but I didn't understand what she was saying he did. Turns out she believes he helped develop the virus and set it loose. So, now I just feel that I can't leave that unanswered, although I probably should have.  So, I said, hopefully politel, that I didn't believe that to be true.I believed it to have evolved naturally.  She then assured me vehemently that she had researched it and it most certainly was true. ( From past experience with this person,  she believes EVERYTHING ON FACEBOOK.  Trying to diffuse a potential argument in the sanctuary of the church, I told her that it was something we would just have different opinions on and we just had to respect each other's opinions. She sort of nodded. And then I unfortunately added that we shouldn't judge others for their opinion. She very sanctimoniously declared she never judged others, that it was not her place and exited in high dungeon. ( Actually, she does judge people who think differently frequently, and I have been on the receiving end of that judgment more than once. However it probably would have been better had I not said anything about not judging others.) So, that was my unfortunate experience at church this morning.  I wish I had @Happyfatchick 's knack at story telling.  She could have made it much clearer!

 

 

 

Some people don't have " walking around sense."  Old Texas saying. 

[Scarlett45]

So update- after a weekend of bickering at her husband, my godmother said “I am not living like this.” A (the retired nurse that does caregiving work) is coming to clean two bathrooms and one bedroom, clean the kitchen and do a week of meal preparation in prep for the home hospice people to start coming next week. Her husband is snorting under his breath but he’s fine with it so long as 1. My godmother is paying her, 2. She doesn’t touch any of his things outside of the rooms she’s supposed to clean 😒. 
 

Sweet golly we have progress. 

[Suzn]

21 minutes ago, Zella said:

No worries! I started that off-topic train. Lol

 I bet those are lovely! The one I had was a necklace. 

I've had some allergic reactions to jewelry (probably because it was cheap), so that's why I don't wear much jewelry. I always joke I'm allergic to fashion since I also have trouble with perfumes, hairspray, and most makeup. 

But I did have a necklace that had the pendant on a cord, and I wore that until it fell off. I'll have to poke around and see if I can find something cool with a peridot. I love the sounds of the one that twinkles! 

I think you would enjoy something with peridot!  😊

I used to wear earrings all.the.time. but I became more sensitive to them and had to give them up and one of the holes closed.  Something about having the metal through the ear lobe is different than jewelry lying on top of the skin.  I miss my earrings!

[Oldernowiser]

@Scarlett45, that’s wonderful. It has to have been so stressful for your godmother living in those conditions and she needs to be as comfortable as she can be.

Well done, you!!!

[Mindthinkr]

@Scarlett45 Hallelujah. Something that is helpful that you don’t have to do or worry about. I don’t think he will be “snorting under his breath” as much when he is enjoying those meals rather than pretty much having nothing because he doesn’t use the stairs. (Even if I misremembered, a good meal is a good meal). I’m happy for you and this progress. 

[CherryMalotte]

Thank whatever heavens there are Scarlett45.  There's no reason that poor woman should live like that.  I'm glad hospice and the caregiver are both coming to the home.  It's still her life, no matter how short or long, and she should be able to be in comfort and make decisions.

 

40 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

I don’t think he will be “snorting under his breath” as much when he is enjoying those meals rather than pretty much having nothing because he doesn’t use the stairs. (Even if I misremembered, a good meal is a good meal). I’m happy for you and this progress. 

 My dad...all the way.  Hearing him bitch about some of the entrees that meals on wheels send...you'd think they were awful.  He gave me a couple that he didn't want, and while they are on the bland side (for good reason) there was nothing wrong with them.   I grocery shop for him every two weeks now besides what he gets from MOW and he's well fed.  Very well fed.  Plus I know a couple of neighbors/old customers drop by soup and other meal tidbits.  He really did infuriate me one day when the husband and I did some impromptu shopping and I picked up a couple of rotisserie chickens, for ourselves and him.  Dropped off his laundry and chicken, which he looked over and said a bit snotty "I don't want this, I can't use it, it's too big" to which I said well have some tonight and then the rest for sandwiches during the week.  He didn't want to be bothered, so I brought it home with me and made a good couple of meals out of it.  I found out when I ran into one of the nice ladies that brings him the occasional leftover that he doesn't like them because they aren't all dark meat.  Well, as far as I know they don't breed just dark meat birds yet. You'd think that someone that is getting a freebie or his groceries picked up for him would keep his mouth shut and just enjoy what he's getting.  Of course I've had to listen to him sing the praises of all the chicken dinners and turkey and meatloaf everybody else brings him.

Ugh, sorry venting...

 

[ChiCricket]

Well, one of the sisters I bought 23and me tests for got her test results today.

 Turns out Lucy is also my HALF sister.😭

But she and my sister Alison are FULL sisters and they are 4 years apart, so it wasn't just a "fling" that my mom had. 😱

They've both already been in contact with their sister and her daughter, and they want to get together. All of the parents involved have died, so they're not going to hurt anyone. (I hope)

Edited February 8, 2021 by ChiCricket

[emmawoodhouse]

1 minute ago, ChiCricket said:

Well, one of the sisters I bought 23and me tests for got her test results today.

 Turns out Lucy is also my HALF sister.😭

But she and my sister Alison are FULL sisters and they are 4 years apart, so it wasn't just a "fling" that my mom had. 😱

They've both already been in contact with their sister and her daughter, and they want to get together. All of the parents involved have died, so they're not going to hurt anyone. (I hope)

Curiouser and curiouser...

[ChiCricket]

4 hours ago, emmawoodhouse said:

Curiouser and curiouser...

IKR?

 My other sister A also did a test (we're waiting for her results) and today posted this in our family DNA group chat:
A: "No matter what, C M V and W G S are the mother and father of all seven of us children. It’s unimportant to me and I want to continue to honor their legacy.  Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t like this smutting mom and dad.
They’re not here to defend their honor."

Then after a lot more group chat, where everyone said that none of us thinks the less of them, and we all still love them,  she wrote:
"I noticed in that picture of Dad by the fence that I’ve got Dad’s nose. Even B said so. So if my stuff comes back as not Dad’s daughter, I’ll know that this stuff is all hogwash. Just saying."

 I feel bad for her..you can tell this really bothers her.

 (I have a feeling A is going to come back as my full sister though..time will tell)

Edited February 8, 2021 by ChiCricket

[MargeGunderson]

Pro tip: do not have your electrical panel replaced in February in New England. I did not think this through very well, as it is 23 outside and I have no heat most of the day. I feel kind of stupid. 
 

@ChiCricket, wow, there must be an interesting story behind it! I’m sorry one of your sisters is having a hard time with it.

[Scarlett45]

7 hours ago, ChiCricket said:

IKR?

 My other sister A also did a test (we're waiting for her results) and today posted this in our family DNA group chat:
A: "No matter what, C M V and W G S are the mother and father of all seven of us children. It’s unimportant to me and I want to continue to honor their legacy.  Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t like this smutting mom and dad.
They’re not here to defend their honor."

Then after a lot more group chat, where everyone said that none of us thinks the less of them, and we all still love them,  she wrote:
"I noticed in that picture of Dad by the fence that I’ve got Dad’s nose. Even B said so. So if my stuff comes back as not Dad’s daughter, I’ll know that this stuff is all hogwash. Just saying."

 I feel bad for her..you can tell this really bothers her.

 (I have a feeling A is going to come back as my full sister though..time will tell)

Here is how I see it- "A" is right, your parents are your parents and if they were good loving parents to you (which it sounds like they were), NOTHING can take that away. NOTHING.

But telling the truth isnt "smutting"- DNA doesn't lie. And heaven forbid I hope your mother wasn't sexually assaulted and that's how the siblings that have a different bio dad were conceived, if she was my heart hurts for her (and any woman in that position). If it so happens she had a consensual sexual encounter with another man (for whatever reason) that doesn't take away that the man that raised you guys was your Dad, but it happened- again the DNA doesn't lie. And tons of people look a like that aren't closely related, especially if they have the same ethnic ancestry. 

I know people want to think their parents were pure as driven snow but people are people and always have been. If she doesn't want to know why did she take the test?

10 hours ago, ChiCricket said:

Well, one of the sisters I bought 23and me tests for got her test results today.

 Turns out Lucy is also my HALF sister.😭

But she and my sister Alison are FULL sisters and they are 4 years apart, so it wasn't just a "fling" that my mom had. 😱

They've both already been in contact with their sister and her daughter, and they want to get together. All of the parents involved have died, so they're not going to hurt anyone. (I hope)

That's JUST like the situation with my classmate that I shared a few weeks ago (baby placed for adoption and last child raised with her husband were full siblings). 

 

So likely your Mom had a thing with another man, and for whatever reason stayed with your Dad. It happens. I am just glad it looks like she wasnt sexually assaulted. It looks like this was probably someone she was attracted to and cared about if she continued to have sexual relations with him. 

[Scarlett45]

13 hours ago, CherryMalotte said:

My dad...all the way.  Hearing him bitch about some of the entrees that meals on wheels send...you'd think they were awful.  He gave me a couple that he didn't want, and while they are on the bland side (for good reason) there was nothing wrong with them.   I grocery shop for him every two weeks now besides what he gets from MOW and he's well fed.  Very well fed.  Plus I know a couple of neighbors/old customers drop by soup and other meal tidbits.  He really did infuriate me one day when the husband and I did some impromptu shopping and I picked up a couple of rotisserie chickens, for ourselves and him.  Dropped off his laundry and chicken, which he looked over and said a bit snotty "I don't want this, I can't use it, it's too big" to which I said well have some tonight and then the rest for sandwiches during the week.  He didn't want to be bothered, so I brought it home with me and made a good couple of meals out of it.  I found out when I ran into one of the nice ladies that brings him the occasional leftover that he doesn't like them because they aren't all dark meat.  Well, as far as I know they don't breed just dark meat birds yet. You'd think that someone that is getting a freebie or his groceries picked up for him would keep his mouth shut and just enjoy what he's getting.  Of course I've had to listen to him sing the praises of all the chicken dinners and turkey and meatloaf everybody else brings him.

Ugh, sorry venting...

I am sorry. That is hard. 

With this exchange I do wonder if its that your Dad is lonely. When I hear elderly people complain that its "too much food", that means they want someone to share it with. Often when they said "I dont want to be bothered." they really actually want to be waited on and eat with someone to feel like someone cares. (excepting actual illness or dementia in this scenario).

My god mother's mother lived to be 90 (passed a few months after her bday), she kept her right mind until the end, but the last few years of her life she complained she didnt want to eat because there were "too many choices, too much food in the fridge"- turns out she didnt want to eat alone. So my godmother just got up early to have breakfast with her and her housekeeper sit with her and having lunch the days she would come. A few tweaks and she was eating full meals again pretty regularly. 

[Boston]

Oy, Covid.  I just found out yesterday that my 16 year old nephew has it (I guess a few kids on his hockey team had it and didn't know it).  He is my godson and I haven't seen him in almost a year.  My SIL texted me today and said that he has a bad cough, no sense of taste or smell and some chest congestion.  Fingers crossed - he is young and healthy.  I sent him a Get Well basket from Amazon.  My SIL said they were all gonna be crazy quarantining for 10 days.. I told her I should have sent her Xanax.. she wrote back and i quote "your brother sure could use some"..lol

Edited February 8, 2021 by Boston

[QuinnInND]

@Boston hope your nephew gets better soon and has no problems, and nobody else gets it.

@ChiCricket wow. That's tough for your sister. I thought my family was a mess. (((hugs))) to you all. 

I didn't read the letters the letters yet. I was going to. Picked them up and opened the envelopes with a letter opener. But then I couldn't go any further. Just put them back. 

Edited February 8, 2021 by QuinnInND

[Boston]

Just now, QuinnInND said:

@Boston hope your nephew gets better soon and has no problems, and nobody else gets it.

@ChiCricket wow. That's tough for your sister. I thought my family was a mess. (((hugs))) to you all. 

Thank you.. Back at ya @quinninnd

[QuinnInND]

And the best part of the game yesterday was the flyover. My husbands old squadron flew the B52. GO BARONS!!  💪

[MargeGunderson]

@QuinnInND, you’ll know when you’re ready to read them. Take all the time you need. And if you decide not to read them, that’s totally okay too. 

[Scarlett45]

1 hour ago, Boston said:

Oy, Covid.  I just found out yesterday that my 16 year old nephew has it (I guess a few kids on his hockey team had it and didn't know it).  He is my godson and I haven't seen him in almost a year.  My SIL texted me today and said that he has a bad cough, no sense of taste or smell and some chest congestion.  Fingers crossed - he is young and healthy.  I sent him a Get Well basket from Amazon.  My SIL said they were all gonna be crazy quarantining for 10 days.. I told her I should have sent her Xanax.. she wrote back and i quote "your brother sure could use some"..lol

Crossing my appendages he recovers quickly!

[andromeda331]

I hope he recovers quickly @Boston.

[Love2dance]

I hope your nephew recovers well, @Boston, and the rest of the family doesn’t get it. I bet he is happy with the care package!

 

 

[Nysha]

@Turquoise, I'm sorry your husband has been moved to a closed COVID ward. Hopefully he won't need to be there very long and you can Facetime him while he's there.

@Scarlett45, I'm glad your godmother was able to stand up for herself and have the in-home care she needs. 

[Scarlett45]

Updates on life with Cosmo- he is still on this 10am potty break kick, so I think I am going to omit the 12pm so long as I am WFH, well at least until the light comes back at 6am. I wouldn't mind a proper walk at 6am after daylight savings and when its not below freezing, but right now its too dark and too cold for me to be traipsing around at 6am.

So 6am, 10am(actual walk), 5pm (actual walk), 9pm.

[Oldernowiser]

7 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

Updates on life with Cosmo- he is still on this 10am potty break kick, so I think I am going to omit the 12pm so long as I am WFH, well at least until the light comes back at 6am. I wouldn't mind a proper walk at 6am after daylight savings and when its not below freezing, but right now its too dark and too cold for me to be traipsing around at 6am.

So 6am, 10am(actual walk), 5pm (actual walk), 9pm.

In my next life, I want to come back as your dog.

[Scarlett45]

9 minutes ago, Oldernowiser said:

In my next life, I want to come back as your dog.

Youre so sweet! 

My stairwell (between the units) is FILTHY. I never remember it being like this. Likely because I am going in and out more with Cosmo, before WFH it was in and out once a day. So I will mop it tonight after I bring cosmo in last so it can dry.

[emma675]

We are about to get real Arctic air down here for over a week and I am not ready! It may not seem cold to many of you, but highs in the 20s and 30s and lows in the teens is not normal for Texas. I need to make sure my outdoor faucets are insulated. And of course it may snow and ice on Monday, the day I'm supposed to have my second eyelid procedure. Mother Nature doesn't give a flip about my needs, lol.

[Scarlett45]

7 minutes ago, emma675 said:

We are about to get real Arctic air down here for over a week and I am not ready! It may not seem cold to many of you, but highs in the 20s and 30s and lows in the teens is not normal for Texas. I need to make sure my outdoor faucets are insulated. And of course it may snow and ice on Monday, the day I'm supposed to have my second eyelid procedure. Mother Nature doesn't give a flip about my needs, lol.

Do you have a proper amount of ice melt and proper shoes for the weather? the last thing you want to do is fall.

[emma675]

25 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

Do you have a proper amount of ice melt and proper shoes for the weather? the last thing you want to do is fall.

I don't need ice to fall, I do that all on my own most of the time, lol! But seriously, what is ice melt? Like rock salt or kitty litter? Whenever it snows or ices down here, we basically just shut down and don't go outside until it melts (which is usually in a few days). I remember an ice storm we had in 2011--my back deck had a sheet of ice on it and my dog at the time didn't realize it when she went tearing out as usual to go outside. She hit the ice, tried to dig in her claws, spun in circles, her eyes went wide, and she went sailing off the deck into the grass. After making sure she was fine, I laughed until I cried. It was like something you would see in a slap comedy. 

[doodlebug]

1 minute ago, emma675 said:

I don't need ice to fall, I do that all on my own most of the time, lol! But seriously, what is ice melt? Like rock salt or kitty litter? Whenever it snows or ices down here, we basically just shut down and don't go outside until it melts (which is usually in a few days). I remember an ice storm we had in 2011--my back deck had a sheet of ice on it and my dog at the time didn't realize it when she went tearing out as usual to go outside. She hit the ice, tried to dig in her claws, spun in circles, her eyes went wide, and she went sailing off the deck into the grass. After making sure she was fine, I laughed until I cried. It was like something you would see in a slap comedy. 

Ice melt is a chemical product, usually it is a blue color which comes in chunks like salt.  It melts ice like salt, too.  The advantage is that it doesn't  kill vegetation if it lands on it and it is safe for pets to walk on.  Rock salt kills anything it lands on and irritates sensitive foot pads of animals.

[Scarlett45]

2 minutes ago, emma675 said:

I don't need ice to fall, I do that all on my own most of the time, lol! But seriously, what is ice melt? Like rock salt or kitty litter? Whenever it snows or ices down here, we basically just shut down and don't go outside until it melts (which is usually in a few days). I remember an ice storm we had in 2011--my back deck had a sheet of ice on it and my dog at the time didn't realize it when she went tearing out as usual to go outside. She hit the ice, tried to dig in her claws, spun in circles, her eyes went wide, and she went sailing off the deck into the grass. After making sure she was fine, I laughed until I cried. It was like something you would see in a slap comedy. 

I say "ice melt" rather than salt because salt is ice melt but not all ice melt is salt (like I have pet safe ice melt, even before Cosmo because its better for the pets and the concrete). Basically do you have anything to sprinkle on your walkways so you can walk outside of your house?

 

Thats a funny story! Your poor dog! My thing with winter is the logistics of travel. I mean I hate winter, my skin cries, but I can always buy more clothes and skin care and layer up, the logistics of trying to travel on the ice and snow when its 15 degrees outside is another thing (I know its not that cold where you live but thats just an example). I dont want you to get hurt, especially if you're not used to it and dont have the proper gear. 

[Absolom]

1 hour ago, Scarlett45 said:

Updates on life with Cosmo- he is still on this 10am potty break kick, so I think I am going to omit the 12pm so long as I am WFH, well at least until the light comes back at 6am. I wouldn't mind a proper walk at 6am after daylight savings and when its not below freezing, but right now its too dark and too cold for me to be traipsing around at 6am.

So 6am, 10am(actual walk), 5pm (actual walk), 9pm.

Some dogs just take a bit to wake up and get the system moving.  I get up a couple hours before mom's dog is ready to face the world enough to do his business.

[Scarlett45]

Just now, Absolom said:

Some dogs just take a bit to wake up and get the system moving.  I get up a couple hours before mom's dog is ready to face the world enough to do his business.

Do you think I should not take him out right when I wake up?

 

I understand him needing a couple of hours to get moving, but if his last break is at between 9-10pm, and he doesnt go out again until 10am, thats a long time to wait I would think! I wouldn't want to wait that long so thats why I take him out first thing before our day starts.

[Jeanne222]

My best friend is the most stubborn person you could ever meet! But now she's in trouble.  I have thought of nothing else since I talked to her yesterday.

Her alcoholic son lives with her.  He leaves now and then.  Somebody rescues him and back he comes.  He lives in her basement and what a mess!

She thinks the sun rises and sets on him and with all of his problems he has been so loved by his mother.  Loved and enabled by her.  So sad for both of them.

Yesterday she called.  She's down to 87 lbs and the doctor tells her and her daughter, along for the appointment, that her weight is now critical.  Both son and daughter went with her.

She told me she has no appetite but she went to another friends home, the senior center person, for lunch and told me how good everything is and how much she ate.  So she eats when food is prepared and offered!

Her home is on the verge of hoarding.  She said her foyer is loaded with Chewy boxes!

I suggested Meals on wheels.  She thinks son won't like that!!!

I would love to have my cleaning girls go clean since son won't even vacume!  I'D pay.

She tells me how wonderful her son is but I think a loving son would see that she gets some kind of nourishment each day!  And would clean up the house HE lives in!

I'm at my wits end with her and think her three daughters have given up on her stubbornness, enabling and unwilling to let anybody suggest or help.

I keep pondering what can be done because I'm afraid if nothing is done by those close to her she will die.  Sad but true.

[SunnyBeBe]

4 minutes ago, Jeanne222 said:

My best friend is the most stubborn person you could ever meet! But now she's in trouble.  I have thought of nothing else since I talked to her yesterday.

Her alcoholic son lives with her.  He leaves now and then.  Somebody rescues him and back he comes.  He lives in her basement and what a mess!

She thinks the sun rises and sets on him and with all of his problems he has been so loved by his mother.  Loved and enabled by her.  So sad for both of them.

Yesterday she called.  She's down to 87 lbs and the doctor tells her and her daughter, along for the appointment, that her weight is now critical.  Both son and daughter went with her.

She told me she has no appetite but she went to another friends home, the senior center person, for lunch and told me how good everything is and how much she ate.  So she eats when food is prepared and offered!

Her home is on the verge of hoarding.  She said her foyer is loaded with Chewy boxes!

I suggested Meals on wheels.  She thinks son won't like that!!!

I would love to have my cleaning girls go clean since son won't even vacume!  I'D pay.

She tells me how wonderful her son is but I think a loving son would see that she gets some kind of nourishment each day!  And would clean up the house HE lives in!

I'm at my wits end with her and think her three daughters have given up on her stubbornness, enabling and unwilling to let anybody suggest or help.

I keep pondering what can be done because I'm afraid if nothing is done by those close to her she will die.  Sad but true.

I'm so sorry.  It's difficult to say what's going on. Some people lose weight due to stressors, medical problem, depression, etc.  I hope her doctor got a good idea of the situation.  If there is self neglect, incompetence or neglect by family members, her doctor may likely report it to Adult Protective Services for an investigation.  I've seen that happen before.  

[Scarlett45]

6 minutes ago, Jeanne222 said:

My best friend is the most stubborn person you could ever meet! But now she's in trouble.  I have thought of nothing else since I talked to her yesterday.

Her alcoholic son lives with her.  He leaves now and then.  Somebody rescues him and back he comes.  He lives in her basement and what a mess!

She thinks the sun rises and sets on him and with all of his problems he has been so loved by his mother.  Loved and enabled by her.  So sad for both of them.

Yesterday she called.  She's down to 87 lbs and the doctor tells her and her daughter, along for the appointment, that her weight is now critical.  Both son and daughter went with her.

She told me she has no appetite but she went to another friends home, the senior center person, for lunch and told me how good everything is and how much she ate.  So she eats when food is prepared and offered!

Her home is on the verge of hoarding.  She said her foyer is loaded with Chewy boxes!

I suggested Meals on wheels.  She thinks son won't like that!!!

I would love to have my cleaning girls go clean since son won't even vacume!  I'D pay.

She tells me how wonderful her son is but I think a loving son would see that she gets some kind of nourishment each day!  And would clean up the house HE lives in!

I'm at my wits end with her and think her three daughters have given up on her stubbornness, enabling and unwilling to let anybody suggest or help.

I keep pondering what can be done because I'm afraid if nothing is done by those close to her she will die.  Sad but true.

Is your best friend not eating because she is suffering from an eating disorder or she does not have money for food or she is suffering from some other mental health issue (like depression)? Do you think she is still legally competent to be in control of her living situation?

 

I understand how you feel about the hoarding (my cousin is doing that this second), but my great-aunt/her mom IS eating and is warm and clean.

[SunnyBeBe]

Sometimes, people don't eat because getting groceries may be problematic or their fridge is broken or too full and they can't get anything else in there.  With hoarding, the kitchen may be so full of stuff that you can't gain entry.  There's no place to cook or even make a sandwich.  They refuse meals on wheels, because the person delivering the food might peek inside and see the mess.  Or ask to use the bathroom and embarrass them.  Hoarding brings on lots of issues.  But, it might be something else entirely.  Hopefully, her doctor did a full exam and was able to determine the best treatment for her.  I hope it works out.  Helping people in that situation is often very difficult to do.  

Edited February 9, 2021 by SunnyBeBe

[Jeanne222]

12 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

Is your best friend not eating because she is suffering from an eating disorder or she does not have money for food or she is suffering from some other mental health issue (like depression)? Do you think she is still legally competent to be in control of her living situation?

 

I understand how you feel about the hoarding (my cousin is doing that this second), but my great-aunt/her mom IS eating and is warm and clean.

She has mild dementia and is on several meds for that.  She was falling down so more meds and she stays in bed except for the occasional outing to get son things he likes, she goes with her neighbor who  drives.  To the weekly senior group of four luncheon and doctors appointments.

Her son and daughter accompanies her to appointments so no call to senior services because they are there.

What I don't understand is why I'm the only one worried out of all these people that are seeing her????

Maybe I'll call one and ask.  It could be they are just being put off by her stubbornness and unwilling to listen to anybody!

Edited February 9, 2021 by Jeanne222

[Jeanne222]

5 minutes ago, SunnyBeBe said:

Sometimes, people don't eat because getting groceries may be problematic or their fridge is broken or too full and they can't get anything else in there.  With hoarding, the kitchen may be so full of stuff that you can't gain entry.  There's no place to cook or even make a sandwich.  They refuse meals on wheels, because the person delivering the food might peek inside and see the mess.  Or ask to use the bathroom and embarrass them.  Hoarding brings on lots of issues.  But, it might be something else entirely.  Hopefully, her doctor did a full exam and was able to determine the best treatment for her.  I hope it works out.  Helping people in that situation is often very difficult to do.  

She told me her little senior group take turns hosting.  How they expect her to host is beyond me.

She said the house is so dirty and to tell you the truth I haven't been over there in over a year due to quarenteen!  She doesn't drive anymore.  Son has her car.

I know she went through most of her retirement money at garage sales so heaven only knows what's been collected!

[Absolom]

44 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

Do you think I should not take him out right when I wake up?

 

I understand him needing a couple of hours to get moving, but if his last break is at between 9-10pm, and he doesnt go out again until 10am, thats a long time to wait I would think! I wouldn't want to wait that long so thats why I take him out first thing before our day starts.

Again it depends on the dog.  Mom's dog goes out around 5 or 6 PM and sometimes is good until 9 AM.  Once in awhile he asks to go out right before he goes to bed which around 8 PM.  My guess if he wants to go out at 10 every day or almost every day that you could let him ask to go in the morning or just let him in the yard to urinate.  One can change a dog's schedule, but it has to be done in about 15 minute increments every few days.  So if 10 doesn't work for you, back it up to 9:45, 9:30, etc.  What time do you start work?  Maybe you could eventually get him to 8:30?  It's easier to go earlier than later especially in the morning.

25 minutes ago, SunnyBeBe said:

If there is self neglect, incompetence or neglect by family members, her doctor may likely report it to Adult Protective Services for an investigation.  I've seen that happen before.  

You don't have to wait for the doctor to do it.  Anyone can report to APS in most states and do so anonymously.  If she has any element of dementia and her family is allowing this to continue, IMO it's time to call.  I know I did for a neighbor.  The police removed the leech of a son after a court order, the other son was put in charge of affairs, and social services were arranged.  

[Scarlett45]

24 minutes ago, Absolom said:

You don't have to wait for the doctor to do it.  Anyone can report to APS in most states and do so anonymously.  If she has any element of dementia and her family is allowing this to continue, IMO it's time to call.  I know I did for a neighbor.  The police removed the leech of a son after a court order, the other son was put in charge of affairs, and social services were arranged.  

Yes youre right, @Jeanne222 if your friend has dementia and is no longer competent enough to conduct her own care, I would place an anonymous call like @Absolom said above. I was prepared to do that with my cousin but she did clean out the back area and get a fridge in there. For me my line is so long as my aunt is clean, eating, and warm I will not "humbug". But if that fridge didnt get replaced I was calling.

26 minutes ago, Absolom said:

Again it depends on the dog.  Mom's dog goes out around 5 or 6 PM and sometimes is good until 9 AM.  Once in awhile he asks to go out right before he goes to bed which around 8 PM.  My guess if he wants to go out at 10 every day or almost every day that you could let him ask to go in the morning or just let him in the yard to urinate.  One can change a dog's schedule, but it has to be done in about 15 minute increments every few days.  So if 10 doesn't work for you, back it up to 9:45, 9:30, etc.  What time do you start work?  Maybe you could eventually get him to 8:30?  It's easier to go earlier than later especially in the morning.

Thanks for your help! I have dog sat but I have never had a dog before. We do go out just to urinate in the front yard (Because the front stairs are easier for him) at 6am, and I am fine with taking him out again at 10am, I just want to know when I need to do that so I can schedule my days (gotta love WFH life).

The sweet boy does look a little sleepy at 6am but he follows me to go out. Im a little sleepy too, but I like to get going in the morning.

[CherryMalotte]

On 2/8/2021 at 9:23 AM, Scarlett45 said:

With this exchange I do wonder if its that your Dad is lonely. When I hear elderly people complain that its "too much food", that means they want someone to share it with. Often when they said "I dont want to be bothered." they really actually want to be waited on and eat with someone to feel like someone cares. (excepting actual illness or dementia in this scenario).

Oh I'm sure he is.  He misses my mother something awful, because she'd put up with his bullshit.  To a point anyway.  I know that he calls people everyday as a 'check in' and he repeats the same stories he's told a thousand times before.  I'm sure some of those people wonder about me and why I'm not over there more often than what I am, but others know the score.  I cannot force myself to be anything more or do anything more for him than what I am right now.  I think next month I need to really nail down my kid and husband and go over there and pitch and pick up and clean.  I've had nightmares about cleaning out his house after he's gone, or if he goes into a nursing home at some point.  Vivid nightmares. 

I am really sorry Jeanne222, it is a heartbreaking situation.  It's the dementia too, even if they are a lovely person prior sometimes the personality really can flip and as you say she's in denial and digging in.  

Edited February 9, 2021 by CherryMalotte

[SunnyBeBe]

For a while, I didn't realize what was going on with my cousin.  Repeating.....forgetting......letting things go....She invited me for dinner and made a big deal out of it. Yet, when I arrived, she had forgotten about it.  I had spoken to her on the phone only an hour prior. She tried to cover. Later, she said she got sick after drinking a glass of water.  But, I checked the fridge and she had milk in there that was several months old! She admitted she drank that too, but, the water is what made her sick.  She had lost a lot of weight....mail piled up.  Yet, she said she was fine.....good thing I had POA.  I was able to step in and take over her care and her affairs.  So sad. There comes a point where their understanding, reasoning, thought processing just isn't there.  While my cousin resisted in some ways, in other ways, she seemed relieved.  I think the changes scared her. At times, she ask me if things were real....was she dreaming.  

Edited February 9, 2021 by SunnyBeBe

[doodlebug]

2 hours ago, Jeanne222 said:

My best friend is the most stubborn person you could ever meet! But now she's in trouble.  I have thought of nothing else since I talked to her yesterday.

Her alcoholic son lives with her.  He leaves now and then.  Somebody rescues him and back he comes.  He lives in her basement and what a mess!

She thinks the sun rises and sets on him and with all of his problems he has been so loved by his mother.  Loved and enabled by her.  So sad for both of them.

Yesterday she called.  She's down to 87 lbs and the doctor tells her and her daughter, along for the appointment, that her weight is now critical.  Both son and daughter went with her.

She told me she has no appetite but she went to another friends home, the senior center person, for lunch and told me how good everything is and how much she ate.  So she eats when food is prepared and offered!

Her home is on the verge of hoarding.  She said her foyer is loaded with Chewy boxes!

I suggested Meals on wheels.  She thinks son won't like that!!!

I would love to have my cleaning girls go clean since son won't even vacume!  I'D pay.

She tells me how wonderful her son is but I think a loving son would see that she gets some kind of nourishment each day!  And would clean up the house HE lives in!

I'm at my wits end with her and think her three daughters have given up on her stubbornness, enabling and unwilling to let anybody suggest or help.

I keep pondering what can be done because I'm afraid if nothing is done by those close to her she will die.  Sad but true.

So sad.  You could certainly call her family doctor's office and let them know about your concerns.  Because of HIPAA, they probably won't even admit she is a patient without her consent; but, if you give her name and date of birth; someone should be able to pull her chart and make sure there is some sort of social services outreach being done.  Tell them about the son and your concerns about him, too.

I agree with others here, though, that contacting Adult Protective Services yourself is a reasonable, loving thing to do.

It hasn't happened a lot, but I have certainly contacted authorities or made sure that the person's PCP was aware of situations that seemed to be precarious.  I had an elderly lady years ago who saw me every few months to clean her pessary (you really don't want to know more than that).  She was in her 80's and, over the years, she got more and more frail and seemed forgetful.  One day, she came in and, during the visit, she started telling me that her neighbor was a witch, that she sneaked into her house and hid things all the time.  That she lost her watch and it turned out the neighbor had hid it in a box in her closet.  I was, to say the least, alarmed.  Her husband was there in the waiting room so I went out to speak to him.  Yup, he agreed; the witch kept coming into their home and wreaking havoc, making a mess, stealing things, putting them in the wrong place.  I immediately placed a call to her PCP, I asked him if he'd seen her lately. "Oh, she told you about the witch, did she?" was all he said.  He already had a social services worker visiting the home regularly and they were in the midst of finding a placement for her and her husband in a community for those with dementia.

Edited February 9, 2021 by doodlebug

[SunnyBeBe]

Yes, when I've been concerned over someone's welfare, I have reported it to authorities.  I've done it for several children over the years and in each case, it was well founded and the children were removed.  I have no regrets.  

[Scarlett45]

1 hour ago, SunnyBeBe said:

For a while, I didn't realize what was going on with my cousin.  Repeating.....forgetting......letting things go....She invited me for dinner and made a big deal out of it. Yet, when I arrived, she had forgotten about it.  I had spoken to her on the phone only an hour prior. She tried to cover. Later, she said she got sick after drinking a glass of water.  But, I checked the fridge and she had milk in there that was several months old! She admitted she drank that too, but, the water is what made her sick.  She had lost a lot of weight....mail piled up.  Yet, she said she was fine.....good thing I had POA.  I was able to step in and take over her care and her affairs.  So sad. There comes a point where their understanding, reasoning, thought processing just isn't there.  While my cousin resisted in some ways, in other ways, she seemed relieved.  I think the changes scared her. At times, she ask me if things were real....was she dreaming.  

Yes. You were a wonderful advocate, family member, and friend to your cousin. She was so lucky to have you!

It's hard when people are still capable of making decisions but not capable of making good decisions. Competent adults are a lot to make bad decisions (so long as they are not a danger to themselves or others), but if someone is not competent, and the people designated to care for them are not meeting the minimum standard stepping in is the morally right thing to do.

39 minutes ago, doodlebug said:

I had an elderly lady years ago who saw me every few months to clean her pessary (you really don't want to know more than that). 

I do NOT want a pessary. Being childfree statistically I wont need one (thats what I keep telling myself!!)...lets cross our appendages shall we???

 

 

[Boston]

3 hours ago, doodlebug said:

Ice melt is a chemical product, usually it is a blue color which comes in chunks like salt.  It melts ice like salt, too.  The advantage is that it doesn't  kill vegetation if it lands on it and it is safe for pets to walk on.  Rock salt kills anything it lands on and irritates sensitive foot pads of animals.

Ice melt works great.  My plow guy puts down salt and sand.  We got 8 inches on Sunday and it is snowing now (supposedly 3-6) but the meteriologists are never right.. Massachusetts - 30 miles north of Boston