Small Talk: The Prayer Closet

[Temperance]

We once gave money to someone for the wedding. She was later bitching about it with friends. "Why did people have to give us money?"

Among reasons, because it's easier to travel with when crossing several states! It's also hard to know what you need when we don't live near you! We gave you more money than we would spend on gift! And finally you can use to buy why stupid s**t you want!

Usually in my experience people want you to buy off the wedding registry and if you don't, they get mad. 

One of my best friends asked for money. They had a small apartment, and needed money.  We did give them a small keepsake and a check. 

I do think people should pretend to like what you get them and then exchange/take back it later. 

 

Edited January 26, 2021 by Temperance

[ouinason]

@Temperance, that person is an asshole

 

Nobody is REQUIRED to give wedding gifts to anyone, ever.  Be grateful and go buy one of the things from your registry that is now discounted because it wasn't purchased for you.  

[Scarlett45]

8 hours ago, Happyfatchick said:

Yuck!  I hate snow.  I’m surprised you were happy to find that out there.

You wouldn’t be happy to find a $20 bill on the ground? It felt like I made money cleaning up trash!😂

It’s January in Chicago, I’m glad I found it before the real snow came and I wouldn’t be able to see it! And low and behold last night we got several inches. Taking the dog out this morning my yard was a blanket of white. 

[Jeeves]

9 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

You wouldn’t be happy to find a $20 bill on the ground? It felt like I made money cleaning up trash!😂

It’s January in Chicago, I’m glad I found it before the real snow came and I wouldn’t be able to see it! And low and behold last night we got several inches. Taking the dog out this morning my yard was a blanket of white. 

I've not said much about it here because it's not really my story to tell. But. I have a longtime good friend who's in bad health and TBH is kind of circling the drain. I think I mentioned a week or so ago, that even peripheral caregiving can take a lot of mental, physical, and emotional energy, and I have mad respect for anyone who does any level of caregiving, but especially the primary and full time caregivers. Sunday before last I went over to my friend's place to help with some tasks that she's not strong enough to do. She lives in a nice condo building, but it is almost always hard to find a place to park around there. I found a spot way down the block from her building. After I parked and was heading to the building, I looked down. There lying on the sidewalk was a ten dollar bill. I assume it had fallen out of a pocket or bag, but there was nobody in sight in either direction. So I decided it was a little karmic reward.

Not that I minded helping out, but it was kind of a wink from the universe. BTW, I was returning a LOAD of boxes and containers from my friend's condo to a storage unit she rents. What was it? Christmas decorations. I swear, she has more of that stuff than I can explain. I could write a book, but let's say it seems absolutely insane to me, but it's her life and her money, so whatever. She's too weak to do much so I got a lot of stuff repacked into boxes and back to the storage unit. The job's not done but if she feels like it we can finish next weekend. My minivan with the back two rows of seats removed/folded, has a TON of space, and I'm not sure I could fit all the Christmas stuff she has into it for one trip. Just the half of it I moved that day, was well on its way to filling up the cargo area. 

We all have our quirks. This one of my friend's sort of cracks me up. I am SO the opposite. One of the best things I ever did when I downsized and moved into this condo 15 years ago? Getting rid of the last of my fairly modest collection of Christmas decorations. It felt so great not to have to mess with that stuff. 

OTOH my cousin has what is by now quite a collection of those Dickens Village houses, etc. She and her husband annually set them out on top of a credenza and a bookcase in their living room. It's done with some care and flair, and I love looking at the display. 

Edited January 26, 2021 by Jeeves

[QuinnInND]

9 hours ago, Jeanne222 said:

Whoa that caught me off guard.  Imagine that.  Other than being shocked how do you feel about your mother and half sister?  Do you think about them and wish them in your life?

Lots of things to consider and mostly protecting your heart and your family.

It could be like Pandoras box.  Once you open it....

I am curious about this detective.  If he was indeed hired by your mother to find you then isn't he required to give her your information.  He's not paid to protect you.  He's working for his client.

That has me confused.

In the meantime hugs to you and YOU do what's right forYOU!

I'm still in shock. Apparently he was hired to find me and give me those envelopes and nothing more. He said that they told him it's up to me if I want to contact them and he wouldn't tell them my name and current location and address, just that he had found me and delivered the package. With the virus situation, it apparently spurred them to try and find me. They have been wanting to find me for a long time he said. Just unreal. I feel like I stepped off a cliff. 

I haven't actually thought about my mother in years. My sister, off and on through the years. I don't know. I'm just... I don't know. I haven't been this shocked in years. 

Edited January 26, 2021 by QuinnInND

[GeeGolly]

I have a favor to ask.

Could someone please make this pandemic go away?

[Jenniferbug]

We got a call yesterday from the school that the classmate my eldest sits next to at lunch tested positive for covid, so she has to quarantine till the 2nd. She's not showing any symptoms so far so hopefully is ok. We're trying to decide if we should have her tested just to know, but we got a foot of snow last night so won't be going anywhere today and possibly even tomorrow. 

[doodlebug]

1 hour ago, QuinnInND said:

I'm still in shock. Apparently he was hired to find me and give me those envelopes and nothing more. He said that they told him it's up to me if I want to contact them and he wouldn't tell them my name and current location and address, just that he had found me and delivered the package. With the virus situation, it apparently spurred them to try and find me. They have been wanting to find me for a long time he said. Just unreal. I feel like I stepped off a cliff. 

I haven't actually thought about my mother in years. My sister, off and on through the years. I don't know. I'm just... I don't know. I haven't been this shocked in years. 

I would think that if your mother and sister went to the trouble to hire a private detective; it was not because they wished you harm.  I don't blame you for wanting to keep them at arms' length, especially your mother, since it sounds like she allowed you to be abused by her husband.  But, maybe they want to apologize, that they know how much you suffered and that they regret their complicity in it.  I have never hired a private detective, but I imagine it is an expensive proposition.  I cannot imagine they did it to come back into your life and torture you.

I don't think you need to contact them ever, let alone let them back into any part of your life or even acknowledge them; but it seems to me that this is most likely to be an olive branch.

Is there anyone you trust who could read the letters first and let you know if they think it would be good for you to read them?

At least now, the ball is in your court and you are the one with options.  It is only fitting that you get to decide how this will play out.

[Jeanne222]

32 minutes ago, doodlebug said:

I would think that if your mother and sister went to the trouble to hire a private detective; it was not because they wished you harm.  I don't blame you for wanting to keep them at arms' length, especially your mother, since it sounds like she allowed you to be abused by her husband.  But, maybe they want to apologize, that they know how much you suffered and that they regret their complicity in it.  I have never hired a private detective, but I imagine it is an expensive proposition.  I cannot imagine they did it to come back into your life and torture you.

I don't think you need to contact them ever, let alone let them back into any part of your life or even acknowledge them; but it seems to me that this is most likely to be an olive branch.

Is there anyone you trust who could read the letters first and let you know if they think it would be good for you to read them?

At least now, the ball is in your court and you are the one with options.  It is only fitting that you get to decide how this will play out.

Good idea on having somebody neutral to read the letters. 
 

With that said I still can’t grasp the concept of hiring a detective to deliver letters but asking that he not give them the address. 
 

I pray their intentions are good and it’s an olive branch but color me skeptical!

[Scarlett45]

40 minutes ago, doodlebug said:

Is there anyone you trust who could read the letters first and let you know if they think it would be good for you to read them?

I think @doodlebug has a good idea. Maybe your husband could read them and let you know if you might be interested in knowing what they said. 

 

7 minutes ago, Jeanne222 said:

Good idea on having somebody neutral to read the letters. 
 

With that said I still can’t grasp the concept of hiring a detective to deliver letters but asking that he not give them the address. 
 

I pray their intentions are good and it’s an olive branch but color me skeptical!

Yeah this is my thinking. People get really reflective when they think they will meet their maker, but that doesn’t mean the people they hurt owe them an audience. 
 

Again @QuinnInND, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You don’t have to decide today. You have a right to protect your own emotions and well being first- no matter what effort they put in to find you, that was their choice. 

[crazycatlady58]

10 minutes ago, Jeanne222 said:

Good idea on having somebody neutral to read the letters. 
 

With that said I still can’t grasp the concept of hiring a detective to deliver letters but asking that he not give them the address. 
 

I pray their intentions are good and it’s an olive branch but color me skeptical!

The detective may do this type of thing on a regular basis and part of the agreement is that he will not reveal her location. There are honest people in the business. 

[Scarlett45]

2 minutes ago, crazycatlady58 said:

The detective may do this type of thing on a regular basis and part of the agreement is that he will not reveal her location. There are honest people in the business. 

Yes. Also I’m sure a lot of PIs would not want the moral or legal liability if they revealed the location of an physically abusive ex and the person ended up seriously injured or murdered. 
 

I trust the PI and their professional ethics more than the mother/sister- the PI is just doing their job. 

[Zella]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

Yeah this is my thinking. People get really reflective when they think they will meet their maker, but that doesn’t mean the people they hurt owe them an audience. 
 

Again @QuinnInND, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You don’t have to decide today. You have a right to protect your own emotions and well being first- no matter what effort they put in to find you, that was their choice. 

Bingo. 

I had a cousin reach out to me last summer about me reconciling with my mother. And after a great deal of thought, I decided not to pursue either of those relationships, though I was also able to extract contact info for two half-siblings, whom I've been chatting with by phone for the last 6 months or so. 

The vibe I got from my cousin is that my mother blames my dad for us not having a relationship and doesn't think she is at fault. Well, bitch, you were at fault. And the cousin just assumes she is right, and I don't have any interest in dealing with them. I've never wanted to a relationship with either of them, though I did have a lot of guilt about not being in contact with my other siblings. But I know what I experienced as a child, and I'm not interested in driving myself crazy so she can feel better about herself. My siblings have agreed to respect wishes about no contact with her, and as long as they maintain that, I will continue to talk to them. 

All of that's to say, @QuinnInND, I don't know what your exact situation is, but trust your gut and take your time on making a decision. 

[louannems]

21 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

My lucky day y’all! I decided to pick up trash in my neighborhood after my afternoon walk with Cosmo and look what I found in my OWN FLOWER BED!

I picked up a folded $20 bill once, unfolded it, and it was a religious track!

But I also have frequently found money on my early morning walks.  I think men, who don't carry purses, frequently just shove cash into their pockets, along with other stuff like keys.  They go  to pull out something and cash goes flying without them knowing it.  I've found three twenties, two tens , a five, and many ones on my walks since I moved here 20 years ago.

I'm glad you found a twenty while out picking up trash!  You deserve it!

[emma675]

36 minutes ago, Zella said:

People get really reflective when they think they will meet their maker, but that doesn’t mean the people they hurt owe them an audience. 

This, totally this. Nobody owes anyone who hurt them anything. Just because her mother and sister may want to make up and get in contact again (assuming that's what the letters are about), doesn't mean QUINNINND owes them anything. I agree with the idea of having a neutral party read them first to decide if it's even worth the time, who knows what they could possibly be about? 

We don't have any Small Talkers in Birmingham, do we? They got a devastating tornado last night--rain wrapped and in the dark, which is one of my nightmares.

[Spazamanaz]

12 hours ago, QuinnInND said:

So apparently the universe listens. Today, the doorbell rang. A man who identified himself as a private detective asked me if I was *insert my name here*. I asked what he wanted, and he said he had a envelope for me. He had credentials which we have since verified. He said he was hired by my half sister and mother to find me and give me this envelope. He called them by name. He said he won't tell them my address or my married name or anything. Not sure if he will or not. I almost fell over.  It's a manila envelope that contains 2 separate letters. One from my mother and one from my sister. I was stunned beyond belief. I'm still shaking. My husband was blown away by this. He said if I don't want to open them, that's OK. Not sure if I do or not.  

Something similar happened to my ex about 20 years ago. We received a call from an organization that helps united families. Long story short, his birth sister put the search in for him. He didn't even know he was adopted, as his adoptive parents took the secret to their graves. It turns out that his birth mother tried to search for him, but she could only enter her name into the system. Anyhow, the egg donor had 5 kids, gave up the first 3 and kept the last 2. My ex was adopted out around 3 years old, a girl at 3 months old and another girl at birth. My ex grew up in the same neighborhood as one of them. And his friend tutored her in Hebrew. And they never knew. What a small world.

Anyhow, the ex and I eventually met them all at different times. It was ok at first, but went south pretty quickly. None of the relationships worked out, it was just too much. I think he jumped into it too quickly.  I think he should have taken his time. The entire situation left him and myself just stunned. Imagine being in your thirties and finding  out all of this information about your life from complete strangers. 

Quinninnd, take your time with this, you're probably very emotional, and rightly so. Like someone already said, put the letters aside, they will still be there when you are ready to open them. 

[doodlebug]

2 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

Yes. Also I’m sure a lot of PIs would not want the moral or legal liability if they revealed the location of an physically abusive ex and the person ended up seriously injured or murdered. 
 

I trust the PI and their professional ethics more than the mother/sister- the PI is just doing their job. 

I think that this could very well be the case.  The PI also doesn't want to be opening cans of worms.  He or she can only go by what their clients tell them and, people who have nefarious purposes aren't going to say that to the PI.  For that matter, if the mother and sister told him the truth; that Quinn was abused by her stepfather and left 20 years ago and never contacted them again; he would have to be careful that he isn't setting Quinn up to be hurt.  What if he gives her mom and sister details of where she is and they turn up on her doorstep demanding money?  Or the abusive stepdad actually put them up to it and wants to take up where he left off?  Chances are, a reputable PI in this situation is going to tell the clients up front that he will give their message to the person; but he is not going to divulge any specific information about them.  That he is willing to do the reaching out, but it will be up to the person he finds to decide if they want to pursue the relationship.

I am sure that somewhere in those letters, there is information for Quinn to contact her mother or half sister if she wants and that is all the PI promised them that he'd do.

I agree with everyone else here, this may well be an attempt at healing; but it doesn't mean that Quinninnd owes them anything and she certainly doesn't owe them forgiveness simply because time has passed.  She has no obligation to make them feel better about their part in her terrible childhood (presuming her half sister was old enough to realize and go along with it).  And, even if that is what they want and Quinn feels like replying, I would recommend proceeding very, very cautiously and certainly avoiding sharing a lot of details of her current life with them.  And, as noted above, these later in life reunions rarely turn out as planned.  Sometimes just too much time has passed and too much water has flowed under that bridge.

Edited January 26, 2021 by doodlebug

[QuinnInND]

I'm still in shock. During the lunch break, I went and looked at the envelopes. It doesn't seem real. And yet, there they are.  I touched them. They are real. I recognize my mom's writing on the outside. They wrote my name on their envelopes. My sisters handwriting looks similar to mine. 

@doodlebug my stepfather died about 10 years ago. He was beaten to death by some bikers. I love that he died that way. I hope he suffered the whole time. I hope he just wanted the beating to stop. Now he knows how I felt. Yes, it's childish probably, but I don't care. My mother never hit me or was abusive in any way in that sense. He beat the crap out of her too. I don't know if she had much choice except to stay.  When I left home, I always looked over my shoulder, so to speak, because I was worried my stepfather would come after me. He always said he would kill me if I left. He threatened me often with death.  About taking me out to the woods and shoot me and bury me. Tell my mother I ran off. Stuff like that.  

My husband said he would read them if I want him to, and let me know what they say, and then I can decide if I want to read them myself.  I've finally stopped shaking. I've got so many emotions tumbling all over. Memories that I've forgotten about.  My sister was always so sweet to me. She's 8 years younger than me. She was only 8 when I left home. She always told me she loved me. She was the only one. The teddy bear she gave me was such a comfort to me, and my prized possession.

My tiny humans have been so good today in class. They've helped me get through the day.  Couple more hours of class to go.  

[Scarlett45]

4 minutes ago, QuinnInND said:

I'm still in shock. During the lunch break, I went and looked at the envelopes. It doesn't seem real. And yet, there they are.  I touched them. They are real. I recognize my mom's writing on the outside. They wrote my name on their envelopes. My sisters handwriting looks similar to mine. 

@doodlebug my stepfather died about 10 years ago. He was beaten to death by some bikers. I love that he died that way. I hope he suffered the whole time. I hope he just wanted the beating to stop. Now he knows how I felt. Yes, it's childish probably, but I don't care. My mother never hit me or was abusive in any way in that sense. He beat the crap out of her too. I don't know if she had much choice except to stay.  When I left home, I always looked over my shoulder, so to speak, because I was worried my stepfather would come after me. He always said he would kill me if I left. He threatened me often with death.  About taking me out to the woods and shoot me and bury me. Tell my mother I ran off. Stuff like that.  

My husband said he would read them if I want him to, and let me know what they say, and then I can decide if I want to read them myself.  I've finally stopped shaking. I've got so many emotions tumbling all over. Memories that I've forgotten about.  My sister was always so sweet to me. She's 8 years younger than me. She was only 8 when I left home. She always told me she loved me. She was the only one. The teddy bear she gave me was such a comfort to me, and my prized possession.

My tiny humans have been so good today in class. They've helped me get through the day.  Couple more hours of class to go.  

I’m very glad you were able to escape with your life. I am glad that evil man didn’t kill your mother or little sister, seems he got his (far too late if you ask me). 
 

I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now. But there’s no right or wrong way to feel. 

[QuinnInND]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

I’m very glad you were able to escape with your life. I am glad that evil man didn’t kill your mother or little sister, seems he got his (far too late if you ask me). 
 

I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now. But there’s no right or wrong way to feel. 

I am lucky I was able to get away. I knew he was going to kill me if I stayed. And soon. 

My little sister was his bio child with my mother. She was his pride and joy. She was treated like royalty. Well not exactly. She was treated like a normal parent would treat their child. He was a loving father to her. He never lifted a finger to her. She had rules, yes. He was stern with her about some things, but never in a mean way. But he never hit her. He never even raised his voice to her. At least not when I was there. 

This afternoon has been a cluster. Something’s wrong with the internet, and lots of kids and teachers can't log on to classes. Ugh. Can we just call it a day?  Apparently it's something with Verizon and some cut line in Brooklyn or something. It comes back on, then drops again. Please, everyone. I beg you to go get the vaccine when it's available. We need to get back to in person learning. This is driving us all crazy. 

[doodlebug]

26 minutes ago, QuinnInND said:

I'm still in shock. During the lunch break, I went and looked at the envelopes. It doesn't seem real. And yet, there they are.  I touched them. They are real. I recognize my mom's writing on the outside. They wrote my name on their envelopes. My sisters handwriting looks similar to mine. 

@doodlebug my stepfather died about 10 years ago. He was beaten to death by some bikers. I love that he died that way. I hope he suffered the whole time. I hope he just wanted the beating to stop. Now he knows how I felt. Yes, it's childish probably, but I don't care. My mother never hit me or was abusive in any way in that sense. He beat the crap out of her too. I don't know if she had much choice except to stay.  When I left home, I always looked over my shoulder, so to speak, because I was worried my stepfather would come after me. He always said he would kill me if I left. He threatened me often with death.  About taking me out to the woods and shoot me and bury me. Tell my mother I ran off. Stuff like that.  

My husband said he would read them if I want him to, and let me know what they say, and then I can decide if I want to read them myself.  I've finally stopped shaking. I've got so many emotions tumbling all over. Memories that I've forgotten about.  My sister was always so sweet to me. She's 8 years younger than me. She was only 8 when I left home. She always told me she loved me. She was the only one. The teddy bear she gave me was such a comfort to me, and my prized possession.

My tiny humans have been so good today in class. They've helped me get through the day.  Couple more hours of class to go.  

Well, you've got me crying sitting at my desk.  Since you have such good feelings about your sister and she was an innocent victim, too, maybe you should read her letter first-or let your husband do it. It sounds like she loved you very much and maybe she just wants to be sure you know that.  And maybe wants to know if you loved her, too.  Sounds like that's an easy one for you to answer.  If you've still got the bear, maybe she'd like to know that you took especially good care of him.

Also, even if he never hit your sister; if she witnessed his violence towards you and your mother; she suffered and was traumatized too.  She may even have a bit of guilt that she was treated so well while the two most important women in her life were brutalized and, at 8 years old, she was powerless to do anything about it.

So many people suffer devastation for the rest of their lives after trauma like you experienced.  Be proud that you got out and escaped the cycle of violence.

I cheered inwardly at the irony of your step father's death.

Edited January 26, 2021 by doodlebug

[Scarlett45]

8 minutes ago, doodlebug said:

Well, you've got me crying sitting at my desk.  Since you have such good feelings about your sister and she was an innocent victim, too, maybe you should read her letter first-or let your husband do it. It sounds like she loved you very much and maybe she just wants to be sure you know that.  And maybe wants to know if you loved her, too.  Sounds like that's an easy one for you to answer.  If you've still got the bear, maybe she'd like to know that you took especially good care of him.

Also, even if he never hit your sister; if she witnessed his violence towards you and your mother; she suffered and was traumatized too.  She may even have a bit of guilt that she was treated so well while the two most important women in her life were brutalized and, at 8 years old, she was powerless to do anything about it.

@QuinnInND I was about to say everything @doodlebug said above.  
 

12 minutes ago, doodlebug said:

So many people suffer devastation for the rest of their lives after trauma like you experienced.  Be proud that you got out and escaped the cycle of violence.

Yes- you should be very proud of the life you built for yourself and escaping that situation. Especially so young! 16 is a baby. 
 

Watching that POS abuse and torture her mother and sister was certainly damaging to the little girl- even if he never lay a finger on her. Also we don’t know what they went through after you left (it’s very easy to be kind to an 8yrs old, but when said kid grows up and has an opinion different from yours, or tries to protect their mother from your fists, well the kind treatment can change). 
 

Maybe reading your sister’s letter first would bring you comfort. Again- only if you want to! The letter won’t disappear if you wait. 

[emma675]

QUINNINND, I third everything mentioned above and send you the biggest hug ever (and a virtual drink or chocolate or whatever is your thing). You do what feels right for you, that's all that matters. I find it deliciously ironic the way your hateful stepfather died. 

[QuinnInND]

12 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

@QuinnInND I was about to say everything @doodlebug said above.  
 

Yes- you should be very proud of the life you built for yourself and escaping that situation. Especially so young! 16 is a baby. 
 

Watching that POS abuse and torture her mother and sister was certainly damaging to the little girl- even if he never lay a finger on her. Also we don’t know what they went through after you left (it’s very easy to be kind to an 8yrs old, but when said kid grows up and has an opinion different from yours, or tries to protect their mother from your fists, well the kind treatment can change). 
 

Maybe reading your sister’s letter first would bring you comfort. Again- only if you want to! The letter won’t disappear if you wait. 

I am proud of myself and my life now. I owe so much to my husband and his love and support. He's an angel on earth. 

I was 2 weeks short of my 15th birthday when I left home. 

If I decide to read one, my sister's will be the first.  My husband said he would read or not.  It's up to me. He is curious about what's in them. I am too, but it's tempered with sheer terror at this point. 

3 minutes ago, emma675 said:

QUINNINND, I third everything mentioned above and send you the biggest hug ever (and a virtual drink or chocolate or whatever is your thing). You do what feels right for you, that's all that matters. I find it deliciously ironic the way your hateful stepfather died. 

Thank you.  When I found out how he died, I cackled like a loon. The karma bus hit him and kept backing up and running over him again. I loved it. There is justice in the world. I'd like to find the bikers and give them a hug.  😂

[GeeGolly]

I would imagine the letters are thoughtfully written, wishing you well and asking if you'd consider contact. The letters might also include a health issue.

@QuinnInND, are you a list maker or do you journal? I would suggest thinking of the different thoughts and feelings you might have depending on what you find in the letters. I would then make a list of how you will manage your emotions. I would also make a list of boundaries, including deal breakers, maybes and probablies, in regard to any next steps you might take. Also stop and take a self inventory right now. What works best for you? Waiting and processing? Knowing immediately? Finding out the general flavor of the letters, then reading later? We're all different, so take the time and figure what works best for you. And maybe plan when you'd open them. On a Friday night? Or maybe a Saturday morning?

Lastly, no matter what is in the letters, as others have said, you are in control. You are also you. Nothing in those letters change that. Every decision you made between leaving and receiving these letters, made you into the person you are now, and nothing can change that. You get to keep being the awesome person you are. Forever and always.

 

[QuinnInND]

9 minutes ago, GeeGolly said:

I would imagine the letters are thoughtfully written, wishing you well and asking if you'd consider contact. The letters might also include a health issue.

@QuinnInND, are you a list maker or do you journal? I would suggest thinking of the different thoughts and feelings you might have depending on what you find in the letters. I would then make a list of how you will manage your emotions. I would also make a list of boundaries, including deal breakers, maybes and probablies, in regard to any next steps you might take. Also stop and take a self inventory right now. What works best for you? Waiting and processing? Knowing immediately? Finding out the general flavor of the letters, then reading later? We're all different, so take the time and figure what works best for you. And maybe plan when you'd open them. On a Friday night? Or maybe a Saturday morning?

Lastly, no matter what is in the letters, as others have said, you are in control. You are also you. Nothing in those letters change that. Every decision you made between leaving and receiving these letters, made you into the person you are now, and nothing can change that. You get to keep being the awesome person you are. Forever and always.

 

Thank you so much. That's a really good idea to write stuff down. I hadn't thought about when to open them, if I do decide to. 🤔 

I've given up getting back to class today. Ugh. The connection keeps dropping.  I've got 3 kids out of 15 that are actually connected and "in class".  We're doing some math problems and counting just for something to do. *sigh*

[BetyBee]

I am filled with wonder and awe at the wonderful people in this group. Quinn, I can't add any wisdom to what's been said here, but I will say that I truly admire you and I support whatever you choose to do. I hope your decision brings you peace.

[QuinnInND]

My husband brought me roses and dinner from my favorite restaurant and some wine. What a day.  

[Scarlett45]

16 minutes ago, QuinnInND said:

My husband brought me roses and dinner from my favorite restaurant and some wine. What a day.  

Awww how sweet. 

[QuinnInND]

1 minute ago, Scarlett45 said:

Awww how sweet. 

He's an angel on earth. His whole family is. 

[Jeanne222]

So Quinn just wanted to say a bit more since we both came from broken homes.  

Now as I age and my mother has died some of the really bad memories seem to fade away.

They say you tend to remember good rather than bad.  Honestly there was no good!

But I, like you, married a good man with a wonderful family so we both seem to do ok in spite of our family history.

Sometimes I think I could write a book.  How about you?  If you ever get a chance read The Glass Castle.  Quite a book!

Btw my daughter is a teacher too.  She loves her students and can't wait to return to the classroom.  Parents have learned it's not that easy. Multiply that by 30 and not to many would survive the classroom.  Takes a very special kind of person.  Hugs!

 

[QuinnInND]

9 minutes ago, Jeanne222 said:

So Quinn just wanted to say a bit more since we both came from broken homes.  

Now as I age and my mother has died some of the really bad memories seem to fade away.

They say you tend to remember good rather than bad.  Honestly there was no good!

But I, like you, married a good man with a wonderful family so we both seem to do ok in spite of our family history.

Sometimes I think I could write a book.  How about you?  If you ever get a chance read The Glass Castle.  Quite a book!

Btw my daughter is a teacher too.  She loves her students and can't wait to return to the classroom.  Parents have learned it's not that easy. Multiply that by 30 and not to many would survive the classroom.  Takes a very special kind of person.  Hugs!

 

I actually started writing a book about 4 years ago. A short-ish story. A friend of mine helped me. I've not heard of that book before. I'll write it down. 

There were a few good things to remember. My grandma was a wonderful woman. She fed me, and treated me like she did my sister. I loved staying the night with her.  Snuggled in bed with her quilts. Heaven. Safety. 

What grade does your daughter teach? 

[Jeanne222]

9 minutes ago, QuinnInND said:

I actually started writing a book about 4 years ago. A short-ish story. A friend of mine helped me. I've not heard of that book before. I'll write it down. 

There were a few good things to remember. My grandma was a wonderful woman. She fed me, and treated me like she did my sister. I loved staying the night with her.  Snuggled in bed with her quilts. Heaven. Safety. 

What grade does your daughter teach? 

My daughter teaches middle school english.  She was nominated for teacher of the year a couple of years ago.  She loves those kids!

My goodness!  I started a book a few years back but  kind of let it slide.

My grandparents were divorced but they were so good to me.  I sometimes wish I could see them one more time to tell them how much they meant to me!

[QuinnInND]

8 minutes ago, Jeanne222 said:

My daughter teaches middle school english.  She was nominated for teacher of the year a couple of years ago.  She loves those kids!

My goodness!  I started a book a few years back but  kind of let it slide.

My grandparents were divorced but they were so good to me.  I sometimes wish I could see them one more time to tell them how much they meant to me!

I love my tiny humans too. I teach kinder. 

My grandma was a widow. She passed in 2002. I found out she had died, and where she was buried, and went and visited her grave about 10 years ago. I cried and cried. It sucked. 

[Love2dance]

@QuinnInND, I think @doodlebugand  others on this site have given you such good advice. I have nothing to add except I am so impressed with what you have done with your life as a 15 year old child who left home to survive. You are amazing, and I’m so glad you have found happiness with your husband and profession. (My first job was kindergarten teacher, which my daughter is now, and my granddaughter just got her early childhood special education credential. So that age group holds a special place in my heart.) 

Wishing you comfort and healing whatever you decide to do with the letters. 

[ChiCricket]

22 hours ago, QuinnInND said:

 One from my mother and one from my sister. I was stunned beyond belief. I'm still shaking. My husband was blown away by this. He said if I don't want to open them, that's OK. Not sure if I do or not.  

Wow. I just caught up on reading here..and WOW... @QuinnInND , I agree with everyone else...it's YOUR decision to make..on ALL of it.

 Now here's MY dilemma... My sister Alison just asked me today if I would reach out to her newly found ½ sister (she's scared to do it herself.)

  Should I do it? Keep my nose out of it?

  I don't want her sister or MY sister to be upset. Her sister and her daughter both did 23andMe tests,though, and opted to share their results publicly ( that's how they both showed up in Alison's results.)

  But neither one of them has been on the 23andMe site in the last 6 months....I did however, find them both on Facebook... I don't know what to do!😭

Edited January 27, 2021 by ChiCricket

[QuinnInND]

7 minutes ago, ChiCricket said:

Wow. I just caught up on reading here..and WOW... @QuinnInND , I agree with everyone else...it's YOUR decision to make..on ALL of it.

 Now here's MY dilemma... My sister Alison just asked me today if I would reach out to her newly found ½ sister (she's scared to do it herself.)

  Should I do it? Keep my nose out of it?

  I don't want her sister or MY sister to be upset. Her sister and her daughter both did 23andMe tests,though, and opted to share their results publicly ( that's how they both showed up in Alison's results.)

  But neither one of them has been on the 23andMe site in the last 6 months....I did however, find them both on Facebook... I don't know what to do!😭

I would do it. Reach out on Allison's behalf. Explain who you are and why you're doing it.  Worst they can tell you is fuck off. I don't blame her for being scared to do it herself. 

[Scarlett45]

11 hours ago, ChiCricket said:

Wow. I just caught up on reading here..and WOW... @QuinnInND , I agree with everyone else...it's YOUR decision to make..on ALL of it.

 Now here's MY dilemma... My sister Alison just asked me today if I would reach out to her newly found ½ sister (she's scared to do it herself.)

  Should I do it? Keep my nose out of it?

  I don't want her sister or MY sister to be upset. Her sister and her daughter both did 23andMe tests,though, and opted to share their results publicly ( that's how they both showed up in Alison's results.)

  But neither one of them has been on the 23andMe site in the last 6 months....I did however, find them both on Facebook... I don't know what to do!😭

I say do it. I would send them matching messages on both platforms.
 

 I would assume if someone has done 23 & Me and has their results open to be matched they are open to being found. Just realize it may be a while before you hear back. (If they choose to write back to you)

Alison is lucky to have you. You are a great big sister.

 

[Mindthinkr]

@QuinnInND You are brave, you are smart, and you have made a loving family for yourself. Nothing in those envelopes can take any of that away from you. Whatever decision you make, whenever you choose to make one, will be what is right for you. Trust yourself. Your instincts have to be pretty good if they have taken you this far in life. I am glad that you have your husband there to share all this with, and that he is trying to be a comfort for you. I wish you the very best going forward. ***Big Hug***

[QuinnInND]

3 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

@QuinnInND You are brave, you are smart, and you have made a loving family for yourself. Nothing in those envelopes can take any of that away from you. Whatever decision you make, whenever you choose to make one, will be what is right for you. Trust yourself. Your instincts have to be pretty good if they have taken you this far in life. I am glad that you have your husband there to share all this with, and that he is trying to be a comfort for you. I wish you the very best going forward. ***Big Hug***

Thank you. 

 

[Mindthinkr]

@QuinnInND Remember that all of us here are ready and willing to support you. Reach out if you need us. 

[QuinnInND]

2 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

@QuinnInND Remember that all of us here are ready and willing to support you. Reach out if you need us. 

Thank you. That means more than you know. 

[Olliesmom]

@QuinnInND, I can’t add anything meaningful more to what has already been said.  You need to do what is best for you and your family.  My prayers, good thoughts, and support are yours no matter your decision.  

[ChiCricket]

6 hours ago, Scarlett45 said:

I say do it. I would send them matching messages on both platforms.
 

 I would assume if someone has done 23 & Me and has their results open to be matched they are open to being found. Just realize it may be a while before you hear back. (If they choose to write back to you)

Allison is lucky to have you. You are a great big sister.

 

 Dun dun dun....I did it!😱

Ps my sister is Alison with only one L ..she's had to correct people all her life.💕

Pps here's what I wrote to both her Facebook and on the 23andMe site , privately of course!

(too late to take it back now!)😨

Hello ------,
  My name is Barb -----. I am sending you this message for my sister Alison ----- (she's too nervous to do it herself.)
  She wanted me to get in touch with you, because it says on her DNA test results that you're related to L--- V-----.  It says that L---- is her half-sister, and when we look at the option "Find Relatives in Common", it says that you are L----'s daughter.

 If you are  L----'s daughter, she’s interested in connecting with your mom to see if she knows anything about why the results came out the way they did. Do you think she would be interested in connecting?

  (dun dun duuuuuun)😂 < ----- nervous laughter

 

 

Edited January 27, 2021 by ChiCricket

[Rabbittron]

Looks like I am going to go to rehab today also known as a nursing home. 

[Mindthinkr]

27 minutes ago, Rabbittron said:

Looks like I am going to go to rehab today also known as a nursing home. 

I can’t wait for the day when you are writing to us from home. Hang in there. 

[QuinnInND]

7 hours ago, ChiCricket said:

 Dun dun dun....I did it!😱

Ps my sister is Alison with only one L ..she's had to correct people all her life.💕

Pps here's what I wrote to both her Facebook and on the 23andMe site , privately of course!

(too late to take it back now!)😨

Hello ------,
  My name is Barb -----. I am sending you this message for my sister Alison ----- (she's too nervous to do it herself.)
  She wanted me to get in touch with you, because it says on her DNA test results that you're related to L--- V-----.  It says that L---- is her half-sister, and when we look at the option "Find Relatives in Common", it says that you are L----'s daughter.

 If you are  L----'s daughter, she’s interested in connecting with your mom to see if she knows anything about why the results came out the way they did. Do you think she would be interested in connecting?

  (dun dun duuuuuun)😂 < ----- nervous laughter

 

 

Excellent letter! Did you tell Alison that you did it? 

[Scarlett45]

That’s a great letter @ChiCricket. I’m sure Alison (one L , I amended) really appreciates your help. 

[iwantcookies]

9 minutes ago, QuinnInND said:

Excellent letter! Did you tell Alison that you did it? 

Alison asked for the letters to be written on her behalf.

[QuinnInND]

5 minutes ago, iwantcookies said:

Alison asked for the letters to be written on her behalf.

Yes, but just wondering if she told Alison that she actually did send them.