Small Talk: The Prayer Closet

[doodlebug]

15 hours ago, QuinnInND said:

My husband brought me roses and dinner from my favorite restaurant and some wine. What a day.  

Sounds like you picked a winner there.  

[QuinnInND]

Just now, doodlebug said:

Sounds like you picked a winner there.  

More than you know. Or he picked me, whatever.  He saved me in every way someone can save someone. 

[doodlebug]

14 hours ago, Jeanne222 said:

Sometimes I think I could write a book.  How about you?  If you ever get a chance read The Glass Castle.  Quite a book!

 

 

I can second the recommendation of The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls.  It is her memoir of growing up in a highly dysfunctional family being raised by parents who were, quite frankly, seriously mentally ill.  A lot of it is harrowing, but it is also triumphant and life affirming as she and her siblings manage to escape the dysfunction and reclaim their lives.  And, like your story, it comes full circle in the end as she faces the decision on whether to resume some sort of relationship with her parents.  It was also made into a movie with Brie Larson in the lead role.  The movie is pretty good, the book is much, much better.

 

17 minutes ago, QuinnInND said:

More than you know. Or he picked me, whatever.  He saved me in every way someone can save someone. 

And, to quote Pretty Woman, you saved him right back.  Don't sell yourself short, he saw a diamond in the rough and polished it, but you were always a gem inside.

Edited January 27, 2021 by doodlebug

[QuinnInND]

6 minutes ago, doodlebug said:

 

And, to quote Pretty Woman, you saved him right back.  Don't sell yourself short, he saw a diamond in the rough and polished it, but you were always a gem inside.

Aww thank you. Considering what I was when he met me, "rough" doesn't begin to cover it. He was the kind of man I never thought existed.  Looking back on it, not sure what I saved him from. But we both fell in love instantly when we met. We were both at a party that neither one of us wanted to be at, or intended to be at. It was meant to be. What he saw in me, I'll never know. I'm just glad he saw it. 

[QuinnInND]

When I woke up this morning, the pups were like this. 😂 Characters. 

[Suzn]

5 minutes ago, QuinnInND said:

When I woke up this morning, the pups were like this. 😂 Characters. 

Those babies know how to get warm and cozy!

[QuinnInND]

Just now, Suzn said:

Those babies know how to get warm and cozy!

They do! They got lots of practice in North Dakota. 😂

[ChiCricket]

20 hours ago, QuinnInND said:

Yes, but just wondering if she told Alison that she actually did send them. 

Yes..I did tell her.

..and her half sister just responded!

I redacted names for privacy:

 

Edited January 28, 2021 by ChiCricket

[doodlebug]

7 minutes ago, ChiCricket said:

Yes..I did..and her half sister just responded!

Sounds like there's a story to be told.  The fact she replied so quickly makes me think she has something interesting to say to Alison.

Edited January 27, 2021 by doodlebug

[Scarlett45]

2 hours ago, ChiCricket said:

Yes..I didn't

..and her half sister just responded!

I redacted names for privacy:

 

Oh I thought that you were messaging with Alison’s niece (daughter to her sister), but the DNA matched Alison to her half sibling! This woman may know the name, location and details of Alison’s bio-Dad. Also the name, location and interest of any other siblings they share. 

[Happyfatchick]

@QuinnInND

its hard to respond to this, knowing how hard it’s rocked your world.  I’m going to tell a story, but you won’t know the end until the end.  My parents were foster parents in the early-mid 60’s, back when babies were given up for adoption when families couldn’t take the stigma.  Families who wished for babies were vetted and cleared and then just waited until a girl (usually very young one) gave birth and chose adoption.  And I know often the decision was out of her hands back then.  My parents only kept babies for the 3-4 days between birth and placement.  They were temps, so to speak.  We always had a screaming newborn in the house and this made my mom soooo happy.  She didn’t have to give birth, just love and snuggle the result.  She also didn’t get attached, and every week or two got a brand new baby.  It was, for her, a present.  Delivered right into her arms too, in our home.  She thought it was a GREAT deal.  

One day we got a new baby,  my parents called her Janie.  She had a head full of curly hair and gigantic blue eyes. I gave her the usual “meh”, because she’d be gone in a few days.  I was little - this all happened before I was 8.

Only with janie, there was a glitch.  She had been born to a very young woman, who’d gone to spend the summer with her grandmother and given birth there (on purpose bc Grandma was her conspirator).  And gave Janie up for adoption there.  

Birth Mother returned to her own home and (I’m guessing) had a beastly case of regret and remorse (along with post partem depression) and ended up telling her parents what had happened.  The parents (who were well-to-do) were immediately on the phone trying to track down the baby.  Mother, of course, had signed the legal papers giving up her rights, and the baby was considered a ward of The state.  

and so Janie stayed with us until all that was sorted out.  The court actually allowed the mother to come To our home and see and hold Her baby until a decision was made.  How weird is that?  Would that happen now?  We were army people - Daddy had some rank, so our house was nice - but I had 2 Siblings and an invalid grandmother living with me and 2 Parents.  Mama was a “hey y’all and yeehaw” southern girl (kept a HUGE vegetable garden on the hill above our house - in ARMY HOUSONG!!  Daddy was stoic army - and I’m POSITIVE I misremember our house being all army green.  Green couch, itchy green blankets, green rugs:  I swear our cups were Aluminum teeth freezers and GREEN.  And her family was wealthy.  Imagine them looking at our greenness and envisioning that beautiful baby’s future.

eventually, the bio parents got married (that was an actual Stipulation IIRC).  And the system that amounted to DFCS decided Janie could go back to her birth mother.  BUT.  The caveat was that they could (and would) be supervised (I imagine the bio father was maybe 16-17 as well), and that the (DFCS) could drop in at any time.  Some months later, they did just that, and left with Janie, bringing her back to my parents.  It was a huge nuclear fallout, and eventually the “state” offered to allow my parents to adopt Janie if they so wished (they DID wish).  There was an ugly court battle but not against my parents.  They were just foster caters and had no rights.  The state fought the bio family for custody and won, and granted my parents adoption all in one sitting.  

shortly after, my father was sent to Korea, and at the end of that term was to retire.  Mama chose to move to Georgia to be close with her own family, and we left that area.  We had a private number and supposedly an invisible life.

that lasted maybe 3 years before they had a PI track us down and the birth mother began tailing us.  Threatening to take Janie and run.  We grew up never knowing when she would Show up.  (No longer married).  I remember her being poised, polished and well dressed.  Thinking back I replace her with Jackie Kennedy.   She showed up on our porch, was invited to leave.  Showed up at church and caused a great scene.  When Janie was older, she began showing up at her work.

then one day, Janie told me (kind of conversationally) she was talking to her.  “I’ve seen her” she said.  Meaning:  I’ve sat and talked with her reasonably, in person.  Here’s me (because I’d grown up thinking she was stalkish and a bit crazy) “really??  Why???”  Janie was older and certainly had the freedom of doing that, I just didn’t know why.  She shrugged and said “I dunno.  I just feel like maybe I needed to hear what she had to say.  She just wanted someone to listen to her”.  

Then one day, Janie was gone.  She left her husband, her job, her house, her cat - took his car (the more reliable one), a large chunk of their bank account and evaporated.  She was 35.   we were stunned.  Clueless.  She said to me later that she TOLD me (and I guess she kind of DID, I just heard what I “thought” I heard instead of what she actually SAID).  

anyway, bringing the train into the station, I promise.  We LOVED Janie.  Adored her.  She was family.  She was my SISTER. 

A few years ticked by.  We had no idea where she was, or if she was ok.  we didnt hire a PI, but the internet was born and took off during those years.  My DIL, who is a big mean dog with a bone LOVED an internet puzzle - and she FOUND Janie.  I was THRILLED.  We had a family meeting to decide what to do with this information.  Tears and snot and anger and more tears and pleading and points presented.  My Mama:  well.  Im just gonna say YOU HURT ME!!!  WHY DID YOU DOOOO THAT??  (She felt used and tossed aside).  My Daddy (quiet but deadly):   No.  you’re not going to say that.  We’re going to say “we missed you” and love her right back into the family.  (Same guy who ran away leaving a pregnant 16 year old and the Amish years before - I told you he got better).  

It was decided (as it usually was) that I was the most logical and diplomatic and that I should make the first move.  The olive branch presentation was mine. 

I sent her a note.  A bubbly sweet note that said “we’ve missed you SO much.  Mama has gone crazy over you, and Daddy wants to hug you.  I misssssss having a sister.  Please please allow us to make up whatever made you leave us.  We want you back.  Please give us tomhe opportunity to win your trust again.  We love you.”

The result:

I got a phone call at work one day (I had included 50 ways to reach me of course).  I promise you, I did NOT know her voice.  She was my little sister, and she spoke southern drawl better than ME - always with the gift of laughter in her voice.  Always, when I talked to her, it seemed like she had a laugh on the back of her tongue.  She was WICKED funny and a natural mimic. God, I love her.  

the call went like this:  (I’m going to leave out all my responses because you can insert them at your own discretion and you’ll be right.  I was stunned, and she left me nowhere to go.  I mostly listened.

Susan, this is Jane.  (Who???). 
Im calling about the little note you sent to my house.  Im not sure how you got my address, but I’m not asking, I’m TELLING you:  do NOT send anything more to my house.  I do not wish to be appraised of the health of H or A (calling my parents by their first names as if she’s completely divorced herself from them).  I don’t wish to be notified when they die.  I don’t wish to collect anything upon their death.  I wish to be left completely alone by you people.  

[Well, and that’s maybe why I’m leaving out my speaking parts.  I didn’t have many... I was dumbfounded.  It just didn’t go at all like I had sort of envisioned].

 I did manage to squeak out “but...but ... WHY???  What happened?  What did we DO???  What did IIII do???” 
NOTHING.  She snaps.  Nothing at all.  I just am now able to see their perspective.  You people had me for the first half of my life.  They missed out on EVERYTHING in my childhood.  They missed my baby teeth.  They missed me walking.  They missed my school years.  They missed my prom dates.  They missed EVERYTHING.  And I’m making it my mission to GIVE THEM the rest of my life.  Whatever they have left. Whatever I have left - it all belongs to THEM.  I wish to be left ALONE.  

aaaaaaaand BAM.  It was over.  Phone slam.

and here’s why I told that long drawn out saga. I miss her STILL.  We used to talk for HOURS with her mimicking people and me laughing until I hurt.  I MISSSSSSSS everything about her.  For a long time, I mourned her like she’d DIED.  But I heard her loud and clear.  It was absolutely her decision and she wished to be left alone.  I have forever since respected her wishes.  

*********
here’s what I know (and I know this because they did this together):  The sisters note is going to be very sweet and will make you cry because you’ll actually hear her sweet voice reading it. 
She’s going to ask you to forgive your mother, or to at least put aside your ill feelings towards her.  She’ll say mom is getting old and wants to reconnect, etc.  that she regrets what happened to you. 

the mother is going to bemoan the fact she didn’t protect you, (and she did not!) and that she’s let this go for so long and maybe tell you how trapped she was.

I’d read them, but maybe not now.  Someday, but on your terms.  Be my sister.  This is YOUR playing field.   You can choose not to be invaded in your space.  What you might choose to do instead is write THEM a note.  Explain that it’s been a long time, you’ve healed from those wounds and don’t wish to revisit them at this moment.  That at such time in the future you feel differently and wish to reconnect, you will let them know.  Thank you for reaching out, it was a big surprise and it winded me.  You can say you wish things had been different, but we don’t have the luxury of changing them.  If you do write, if it were me (and it’s not) I would very specifically thank your sweet sister for her love and tell her that of all your childhood memories, that’s the one nugget you’ve been able to keep.  

 it’s just that because the letters arrived together, they’re a TEAM.  If your sister had reached out alone, I think you might feel completely different. 

isn’t it odd, that in our group, it seems that every one of us have an adoption story???

this is completely bizarre, and so unfair to you, quinn.  But since I’m being all bossy butt anyway, can you just change your name?  My thumbs have the HARDEST TIME finding the Q!!!

[Happyfatchick]

I’m back (and I apologize for sucking up so much space tonight!!!).  This is on the note of losing the baby recently.  Their oldest child is the 5YO QUEEN OF THE WORLD I post about so often.  (I don’t know WHERE she gets that bossy streak).  But she’s also, in her old soul, a nurturer.  She brings her mom snacks when she’s working from home, and made her take her baby vitamins every day.  She always has one eye out for the younger brother - not to tattle, but to corral.  It’s just who she is.  
 

with the loss of baby, she’s been a little withdrawn at school, and quieter than usual, but still wants to nurture her mom because she realizes her heart hurts.  With that, I invite you to study this pic.  It actually made me tear up a little. 

[Scarlett45]

Just now, Happyfatchick said:

I’m back (and I apologize for sucking up so much space tonight!!!).  This is on the note of losing the baby recently.  Their oldest child is the 5YO QUEEN OF THE WORLD I post about so often.  (I don’t know WHERE she gets that bossy streak).  But she’s also, in her old soul, a nurturer.  She brings her mom snacks when she’s working from home, and made her take her baby vitamins every day.  She always has one eye out for the younger brother - not to tattle, but to corral.  It’s just who she is.  
 

with the loss of baby, she’s been a little withdrawn at school, and quieter than usual, but still wants to nurture her mom because she realizes her heart hurts.  With that, I invite you to study this pic.  It actually made me tear up a little. 

How sweet!

[crazycatlady58]

8 minutes ago, Happyfatchick said:

I’m back (and I apologize for sucking up so much space tonight!!!).  This is on the note of losing the baby recently.  Their oldest child is the 5YO QUEEN OF THE WORLD I post about so often.  (I don’t know WHERE she gets that bossy streak).  But she’s also, in her old soul, a nurturer.  She brings her mom snacks when she’s working from home, and made her take her baby vitamins every day.  She always has one eye out for the younger brother - not to tattle, but to corral.  It’s just who she is.  
 

with the loss of baby, she’s been a little withdrawn at school, and quieter than usual, but still wants to nurture her mom because she realizes her heart hurts.  With that, I invite you to study this pic.  It actually made me tear up a little. 

I wish we had a emoji that expresses " That is the sweetest thing I have seen in a long time."

[ChiCricket]

46 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

Oh I thought that you were messaging with Alison’s niece (daughter to her sister), but the DNA matched Alison to her half sibling! This woman may know the name, location and details of Alison’s bio-Dad. Also the name, location and interest of any other siblings they share. 

I was..but she obviously has told her her mom (Alison's half-sister) about my message, and she (her mom) reached out to me (on Alison's 23andMe profile)

[QuinnInND]

@Happyfatchick

Wow. That story was wild. I'm so sorry you lost your sister like that. Thank you for sharing it.  I'm sure those letters will be pretty much what you wrote.  Probably word for word. I've got so many emotions all over the place.  I'm torn between wanting to give my mother a piece of my mind. So many things happened that would probably stun you beyond belief. I know she was stuck in a bad situation. I know all about it. No way out.  Being beaten. But right now, from her, I just want my bio dad's name. She's the only one who can give it to me. I've wanted to know who he is forever. If she dies, I'll never know.  I wonder if that's part of what's in her letter.  I'm almost driven to find out his name. At least they know I'm still alive, since the PI has told them he delivered them.  So they've got that. One of the reasons I stayed at home as long as I did was for my sister.  She was so sweet. I remember the night I left, turning around and looking at the house one more time, and saying "Please forgive me, Annie. I will always love you."  I always hoped she didn't hate me for leaving.  But that's what I want from my mother. She made excuses for the asshole all the time. I "vexed" him as she said.  I do remember her standing up for me a couple of times. And getting backhanded for her effort.  I remember her helping me bathe and change after the asshole took me to a backwoods abortionist when I was 12 and pregnant with the assholes baby. Most traumatic thing I had ever experienced up til that point. She sneaked me broth and comforted me. So there are some good memories of her too.  Sorry for the long reply. You and I are hogging bandwidth today. 

That picture is just adorable. She's such a sweet soul. We need more people like her. 

The letters are still in the drawer.  Still sealed. 

Sorry about my name. Lol. I'm the only Quinn I've ever heard of.  Blame my mother. 😂

Edited January 28, 2021 by QuinnInND

[Liddy52]

1 hour ago, QuinnInND said:

@Happyfatchick

Wow. That story was wild. I'm so sorry you lost your sister like that. Thank you for sharing it.  I'm sure those letters will be pretty much what you wrote.  Probably word for word. I've got so many emotions all over the place.  I'm torn between wanting to give my mother a piece of my mind. So many things happened that would probably stun you beyond belief. I know she was stuck in a bad situation. I know all about it. No way out.  Being beaten. But right now, from her, I just want my bio dad's name. She's the only one who can give it to me. I've wanted to know who he is forever. If she dies, I'll never know.  I wonder if that's part of what's in her letter.  I'm almost driven to find out his name. At least they know I'm still alive, since the PI has told them he delivered them.  So they've got that. One of the reasons I stayed at home as long as I did was for my sister.  She was so sweet. I remember the night I left, turning around and looking at the house one more time, and saying "Please forgive me, Annie. I will always love you."  I always hoped she didn't hate me for leaving.  But that's what I want from my mother. She made excuses for the asshole all the time. I "vexed" him as she said.  I do remember her standing up for me a couple of times. And getting backhanded for her effort.  I remember her helping me bathe and change after the asshole took me to a backwoods abortionist when I was 12 and pregnant with the assholes baby. Most traumatic thing I had ever experienced up til that point. She sneaked me broth and comforted me. So there are some good memories of her too.  Sorry for the long reply. You and I are hogging bandwidth today. 

That picture is just adorable. She's such a sweet soul. We need more people like her. 

The letters are still in the drawer.  Still sealed. 

Sorry about my name. Lol. I'm the only Quinn I've ever heard of.  Blame my mother. 😂

I used to work with a lady named Quinn. Interestingly,  her initials were QRS!

[awaken]

12 hours ago, doodlebug said:

I can second the recommendation of The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls.  It is her memoir of growing up in a highly dysfunctional family being raised by parents who were, quite frankly, seriously mentally ill.  A lot of it is harrowing, but it is also triumphant and life affirming as she and her siblings manage to escape the dysfunction and reclaim their lives.  And, like your story, it comes full circle in the end as she faces the decision on whether to resume some sort of relationship with her parents.  It was also made into a movie with Brie Larson in the lead role.  The movie is pretty good, the book is much, much better.

Definitely sounds like something I need to read!  I’m there in my life with my screwed up family. 

[emmawoodhouse]

13 minutes ago, Liddy52 said:

I used to work with a lady named Quinn. Interestingly,  her initials were QRS!

The only female Quinn I've ever encountered was the sister of Daria. 😁 

I briefly dated a male Quinn in high school. He was a twatwaffle. Hence the brevity. 

Edited January 28, 2021 by emmawoodhouse

[Temperance]

@QuinnInND There may be other ways to find your bio father's identity.  I'd be careful about reconnecting with your relatives. Ultimately it's your decision, and I think you'll make a good one. Probably it's best to take small steps. 

As for me, I've been really emotional lately for reasons. I'm disappointed in myself that I don't have more to show for my life. I handled something badly today and I feel bad about it. 

[Love2dance]

Please be kind to yourself, @Temperance. This year has been so hard on everyone. Hope you find a way to make things better and forgive yourself.

[iwantcookies]

I lost my medication. I do not know how much the replacement will be. I turned my apartment upside down looking for it. I’m an idiot. 
 

 

Edited January 28, 2021 by iwantcookies

[Scarlett45]

11 hours ago, ChiCricket said:

I was..but she obviously has told her her mom (Alison's half-sister) about my message, and she (her mom) reached out to me (on Alison's 23andMe profile)

Ah gotcha. Thanks. 

 

@QuinnInND I know quite a few female Quinns (I always default to it being a girls name), but they are all much younger than you. (A few years younger than me as well)

Be gentle with yourself.

 

[Scarlett45]

5 hours ago, iwantcookies said:

I lost my medication. I do not know how much the replacement will be. I turned my apartment upside down looking for it. I’m an idiot. 
 

 

Ugh I hate that! When things grow legs and walk away. 

[doodlebug]

9 hours ago, emmawoodhouse said:

The only female Quinn I've ever encountered was the sister of Daria. 😁 

I briefly dated a male Quinn in high school. He was a twatwaffle. Hence the brevity. 

There was a child actress named Quinn Cummings.  Her biggest role was in The Goodbye Girl starring Marsha Mason and Richard Dreyfuss.  It was the role that made Dreyfuss a star.  I think Cummings was nominated for a supporting actress Oscar.  It was a pretty good flick. The movie came out in 1977, maybe that's when people first heard the name.  it was the first time I heard it.

[QuinnInND]

6 hours ago, iwantcookies said:

I lost my medication. I do not know how much the replacement will be. I turned my apartment upside down looking for it. I’m an idiot. 
 

 

Stupid question, but did you check the trash? I've accidentally tossed my meds out. 

[Jeeves]

Wow. I've been reading here and feeling the feels, and don't have better words than others have already written. @QuinnInND, you have my mad respect and best wishes, and just do what you think is best for yourself. @Happyfatchick, what a story, and what a series of gut-punches to live through. 

[QuinnInND]

8 hours ago, Temperance said:

@QuinnInND There may be other ways to find your bio father's identity.  I'd be careful about reconnecting with your relatives. Ultimately it's your decision, and I think you'll make a good one. Probably it's best to take small steps. 

As for me, I've been really emotional lately for reasons. I'm disappointed in myself that I don't have more to show for my life. I handled something badly today and I feel bad about it. 

Be gentle with yourself. You're a good person. You've done the best you can with what you had and knew at the time. Don't beat yourself up and don't compare yourself to others. Their journey isn't yours. 

I don't know what other way to find out my bio dad's name. As far as I know, my mother is the only one who knows his name. 

[QuinnInND]

1 hour ago, Scarlett45 said:

 

 

@QuinnInND I know quite a few female Quinns (I always default to it being a girls name), but they are all much younger than you. (A few years younger than me as well)

Be gentle with yourself.

 

Thank you. I've never heard of anyone who is my age or younger with my name. I'm 38.  Not sure how or why my mom picked my name. 

@doodlebug I've seen that movie. I guess I never noticed her name. 😂 Now I need to watch it again. 

[emma675]

I actually know one Quinn who is in her late 20s and a 13 year girl named Quincy. Both are spitfires who are so fun to be around, so you're in good company, QUINNINND. 

[SunnyBeBe]

We got a nice snowfall last night. (NC)

The sun is so bright. It won’t last long.

 

[Scarlett45]

58 minutes ago, SunnyBeBe said:

We got a nice snowfall last night. (NC)

The sun is so bright. It won’t last long.

 

So pretty. 

[Scarlett45]

1 hour ago, QuinnInND said:

I don't know what other way to find out my bio dad's name. As far as I know, my mother is the only one who knows his name. 

Statistically speaking the man likely had other children (unless he died young). Statistically is also likely he had siblings (either full or half) and first cousins. If you can find one of those people it’s likely you can find his name- just based on information you know, where you were conceived (if you know that), the time frame, and where he was living, what he was doing at the time. 
 

Of course anything is possible but your Mom isn’t the only way to find this information. 

[doodlebug]

18 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

Statistically speaking the man likely had other children (unless he died young). Statistically is also likely he had siblings (either full or half) and first cousins. If you can find one of those people it’s likely you can find his name- just based on information you know, where you were conceived (if you know that), the time frame, and where he was living, what he was doing at the time. 
 

Of course anything is possible but your Mom isn’t the only way to find this information. 

Of course, that would mean using Ancestry DNA to try to connect with your father's family somehow.  Some people worry about opening that can of worms although it is possible to find out connections and then either control access to you or just revoke the permission if and when you find what you want.

If you decide to have someone look at the letter(s) for you; you could tell them that the only thing you want to know is if your mother included any information about your biological father.  That's a yes or no proposition.  If the answer is yes, then you can go from there.  If no, it sounds like your mother knows how much you wanted that information, if she doesn't want to provide  it; that says a lot about her and her reasons for reaching out to you.  I guess the worst thing would be to discover she wants a kidney or something; but the answer to that would be very simple and very final.

I hadn't thought about how the note from your sister might be using your warm feelings about her to convince you your mother isn't so bad.  That's no bueno and I suppose someone reading the note first could try to decide if she is more interested in doing her mother's bidding than actually reaching out to you.

Once again, Quinn, take your time.  What will be, will be.  You don't owe either one of them anything at this point.

HFC, the story of your sister is so sad.  It sounds like her biological mother has some serious psychiatric issues based on all the stalking behavior.  I presume she is the one who told your sister that she had to choose; that she couldn't continue her relationship with her adoptive family and have her biologic mother in her life.  Otherwise, the things she said make no sense.  It sounds punitive and I think that has to becoming from her birth mother's coaching.  How sad.  We need all the family we can get these days.

 

Edited January 28, 2021 by doodlebug

[iwantcookies]

2 hours ago, QuinnInND said:

Stupid question, but did you check the trash? I've accidentally tossed my meds out. 

If I did it’s gone. I live in a big apartment building no way would I find it. 
 

 

[Scarlett45]

11 minutes ago, iwantcookies said:

If I did it’s gone. I live in a big apartment building no way would I find it. 
 

 

Did you check your personal kitchen/bathroom trash?

[doodlebug]

9 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

Did you check your personal kitchen/bathroom trash?

I've accidentally tossed out all sorts of things and have to root through the trash to find stuff all the time and that includes prescription meds.

[QuinnInND]

50 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

Statistically speaking the man likely had other children (unless he died young). Statistically is also likely he had siblings (either full or half) and first cousins. If you can find one of those people it’s likely you can find his name- just based on information you know, where you were conceived (if you know that), the time frame, and where he was living, what he was doing at the time. 
 

Of course anything is possible but your Mom isn’t the only way to find this information. 

You're probably right that he had other children. But I have zero info. Nothing was ever said. All I know is that the asshole I grew up with wasn't my bio dad. I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out someone who would know something.  My husband too.  Except for doing one of those DNA tests, which I don't really want to do. I'm thinking I'm going to be forced to. 

[zoomama]

1 minute ago, QuinnInND said:

You're probably right that he had other children. But I have zero info. Nothing was ever said. All I know is that the asshole I grew up with wasn't my bio dad. I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out someone who would know something.  My husband too.  Except for doing one of those DNA tests, which I don't really want to do. I'm thinking I'm going to be forced to. 

FYI, if you decide to do a test, choose ancestry. more people test there so you have a better chance at a match. that said, i also did 23andme and guess what? i found the match that broke open my search. without her, i might have never figured out who i was looking for.  it is totally likely that you can figure out who he is by doing the dna route and  some research. 

[Scarlett45]

1 minute ago, QuinnInND said:

You're probably right that he had other children. But I have zero info. Nothing was ever said. All I know is that the asshole I grew up with wasn't my bio dad. I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out someone who would know something.  My husband too.  Except for doing one of those DNA tests, which I don't really want to do. I'm thinking I'm going to be forced to. 

I was in no way implying you should do a DNA test if you didn’t want to. I hope it didn’t come off that way. Whatever you want to do is 100% what you should do. 
 

Did your Mom have any siblings or a BFF she may have talked to about it? Would any of these people be willing to tell you? Are your mother’s parents still alive? If they would not be an emotional/physical danger to you, they may have info. 
 

From whom did you hear about your stepfather’s karmic death? They may have info for you too. 

[iwantcookies]

42 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

Did you check your personal kitchen/bathroom trash?

All my trash is gone. I’m so mad at myself. First time I ever lost my medication. Ever.

[iwantcookies]

36 minutes ago, QuinnInND said:

You're probably right that he had other children. But I have zero info. Nothing was ever said. All I know is that the asshole I grew up with wasn't my bio dad. I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out someone who would know something.  My husband too.  Except for doing one of those DNA tests, which I don't really want to do. I'm thinking I'm going to be forced to. 

You need to do what you are most comfortable with. Whatever that may be. 
 

Me I would have read the letters right after PI left. But I’m like that. 
 

Big hug to you for living through hellish childhood. 

[iwantcookies]

12 hours ago, Temperance said:

 

As for me, I've been really emotional lately for reasons. I'm disappointed in myself that I don't have more to show for my life. I handled something badly today and I feel bad about it. 

I feel that. By this time  I thought I’d have a kid and a real career. Nope. Don’t even have 1 real friend either. I feel like a failure.
 

You are not alone in your feelings. Big hug.
 

 

[QuinnInND]

34 minutes ago, iwantcookies said:

I feel that. By this time  I thought I’d have a kid and a real career. Nope. Don’t even have 1 real friend either. I feel like a failure.
 

You are not alone in your feelings. Big hug.
 

 

You're not a failure. And you've got a ton of friends right here. (((hugs)))  A child and a "real career" doesn't define a persons life and worth. 

1 hour ago, Scarlett45 said:

I was in no way implying you should do a DNA test if you didn’t want to. I hope it didn’t come off that way. Whatever you want to do is 100% what you should do. 
 

Did your Mom have any siblings or a BFF she may have talked to about it? Would any of these people be willing to tell you? Are your mother’s parents still alive? If they would not be an emotional/physical danger to you, they may have info. 
 

From whom did you hear about your stepfather’s karmic death? They may have info for you too. 

My mother is an only child. Her parents died before I was born.  She didn't have any close friends really.. Abusers will do that. Isolate their victim. I found out about the assholes death online. I Googled his name and where he lived and the name of the bar he owned. Found news articles about what happened. 

[Scarlett45]

43 minutes ago, QuinnInND said:

You're not a failure. And you've got a ton of friends right here. (((hugs)))  A child and a "real career" doesn't define a persons life and worth. 

My mother is an only child. Her parents died before I was born.  She didn't have any close friends really.. Abusers will do that. Isolate their victim. I found out about the assholes death online. I Googled his name and where he lived and the name of the bar he owned. Found news articles about what happened. 

Do you know where you were born, the area where you were conceived and where your mom may have gotten prenatal care? Those may be leads too. Life is long and someone knows something. Especially since you’re only 38, most of the people around are likely still alive. 
 

@iwantcookies- sending you love. We are glad for your presence here. 

[QuinnInND]

10 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

Do you know where you were born, the area where you were conceived and where your mom may have gotten prenatal care? Those may be leads too. Life is long and someone knows something. Especially since you’re only 38, most of the people around are likely still alive. 
 

@iwantcookies 

I know the name of the hospital where I was born, because that's on my birth certificate. No clue on where my mother was when I was conceived or where or if she received prenatal care.  She was married to my stepfather before I was born. She left him, and went to parts unknown to me. She may have stayed in the same town, but I don't think so, because it was a small town, and he would have come for her.  I remember hearing her talking to herself saying she never should have come back to my stepfather. 

[Scarlett45]

7 minutes ago, QuinnInND said:

I know the name of the hospital where I was born, because that's on my birth certificate. No clue on where my mother was when I was conceived or where or if she received prenatal care.  She was married to my stepfather before I was born. She left him, and went to parts unknown to me. She may have stayed in the same town, but I don't think so, because it was a small town, and he would have come for her.  I remember hearing her talking to herself saying she never should have come back to my stepfather. 

Statistically (cause that’s all we have), your mother likely wasn’t too far away from the hospital where she gave birth when she conceived you.
 

If she didn’t name your bio father because she feared for his life (and by the sounds of the child beating, raping POS her husband turned out to be that was a rational fear)- he was likely findable based on his name/where he was living/where she and the POS were living at the time. If he was clear on the other side of the country, or an random guy she met at a party she probably wouldn’t have worried about his safety. 
 

I know there are websites out there for adoptees to put in their information (DOB, sex, hospital of birth) to try and connect with bio family. You already know your hospital of birth and your bio mother- that may take you further than you thought. 

[Scarlett45]

Cosmo keeping me company while I watch The Wedding Singer. 
 

It’s COLD in Chicago today, so we only went out to use the bathroom at 6am and 11am (I usually take him out at noon but he was pawing at me and I know enough to follow the dog’s lead). 
 

I also went to the pet boutique and got him new treats, and the joint supplement I use for Blake in dog form. I’ve realized in our week together he doesn’t care much about the size of the treat, just so long as he gets one. I give him one after each time we go outside (so 4 treats a day, I want to keep them small because calories matter). He does like the chicken! If he won’t eat something the place will take it back (I would just exchange). I love Chewy.com for heavy stuff but it’s nice to shop at a small neighborhood place when I can. 

[QuinnInND]

6 minutes ago, Scarlett45 said:

Statistically (cause that’s all we have), your mother likely wasn’t too far away from the hospital where she gave birth when she conceived you.
 

If she didn’t name your bio father because she feared for his life (and by the sounds of the child beating, raping POS her husband turned out to be that was a rational fear)- he was likely findable based on his name/where he was living/where she and the POS were living at the time. If he was clear on the other side of the country, or an random guy she met at a party she probably wouldn’t have worried about his safety. 
 

I know there are websites out there for adoptees to put in their information (DOB, sex, hospital of birth) to try and connect with bio family. You already know your hospital of birth and your bio mother- that may take you further than you thought. 

Hmm. I'll have to Google some of those. Thanks! 👍 If I had a name, it would be easy. Lol I don't even know if he knows I exist.  

Edited January 28, 2021 by QuinnInND

[Temperance]

@QuinnInND I have a very distant younger cousin with the name Quinn. I've never met her, and I've only seen her parents a few times. 

1. I don't know much about private investigators, but a private investigator might be able to find out your father's name and identity. 

2. Using a genealogy service might be able to connect you with other genetic relatives based on DNA. If there were (for example) half-siblings, they would be able to tell you the name of your father.