Small Talk: The Prayer Closet

[CherryMalotte]

I've had better weekends.

Really, I do try and keep 75% of my daily junk to myself because who wants to read downer stuff all the time?  I don't.  But today I have had my limit of my male DNA donor's bullshit and have to vent.

Been a busy and trying couple of weeks.  Husband had his knee replacement, went well but they had to do some 'extra' work in there to repair some ligament and tendon damage.  He got home last Sunday after being inpatient a few days, and really he's up and walking around pretty well with his walker, and has started his PT but some of that was sidetracked due to it being the 4th of July holiday.  I usually take my dad out for his groceries once a week on Fridays, but changed it to Saturday as I was to take the husband to PT.  Ended up he had to skip PT and get an ultrasound to check for clots, but anyway...so I haul my fat ass up on Saturday and get him from his house to the store...because later that day I want to get my hair roots touched up.  See, it's got to do with hair so it fits!  Two friggin hours later....we are just checking out.  Now I operate with a list, get my stuff and want to leave.  He's got a list, but because he is pokey and meanders with no direction and stops and talks to the stockers and various other store personnel and people he knows...instead of sticking to the plan and get your shit and get going.  He could do it all in less than an hour...but he doesn't, despite my dropping huge hints to him that I have other things I'm up to.  Drive him back to his house, and took his stuff out of the car and left it on the back stoop - all the while he's pulling his usual moaning and groaning about how much pain he's in, the big huff and puff act.  Not saying he doesn't have pain or is tired, but it's always interesting that it's the same precise moment every time we get back to his house with tons of bags and cat litter and water jugs...you know.  I go in, I fix the CC on his television as he asked, got the mail and went on my way.  I hadn't even gotten home when he'd already started calling, oh should I start taking my coumadin again (he had a prostate biopsy earlier in the week, I'm so staying away from that story).  Shit, I don't know, I'm not a nurse, and didn't you ask about that?  So he decides to take the pill.

This morning...I run and get my husband his daily ice supply and a bank deposit and couple of other small things and upon my return husband has this disgusted look on his face, which means the father has called again.  Now he's discovered he left a bag at the store, he called them, just has to bring his receipt in and they'll take care of it.  I am a bit beside myself but I drive to his house, get the receipt, and find it it's for one thing...garbage bags.  As in only one missing item.  I'm livid that he's bothered me for something this small, but keep my mouth shut because I'm really just trying to just get this done and over with.  I go, I get the stupid garbage bags, and run back to his house.  He's in the basement doing whatever so I leave the bags on his dining room table with the receipt and leave.  He tried to call twice on my cell while I was driving, but I'm still so pissed off at this point that I just blocked the calls.  

The husband is under instructions to tell him to leave me alone for a few days if he calls again today.  Unless he's dead, I don't want to know anything.  What doesn't help is that he's just totally oblivious to that fact that I have other things to attend to.  Mom's Medicaid still hasn't gone thru, and frankly they may be denying it at this point for all I know, I haven't had a call back or email from the case worker.  I had to break the news to a couple of people yesterday that she'd died - they'd pulled up while I was taking his groceries out of the back of my vehicle and asked how she was.  Sounds like they travel a lot and may not have had the news from anyone.  I find it completely depressing that this is the rest of my life, taking care of a parent I don't like or have any feelings for, and I hate feeling sorry for myself.  He'll have to have prostate surgery here sooner than later and the thought of having to take him to more appointments makes me physically ill.  

Anybody got any coping techniques, cause I'd love to hear them.
 

[bigskygirl]

{{{HUGS}}} Handing you some chocolate. I would suggest a good punching bag, a dart board with a picture of the person who pisses you off and throw darts at the picture, or take a pillow and scream into it or beat the crap out of it.

[kathe5133]

CherryMalotte: Vodka?  

Just joking.  

I had to take care of my mother towards the end and it was the same drivel.  I'd take her shopping on Saturday and she'd call me on Monday saying "she had no food".  She had food, she was just out of chocolate chip cookies and blueberry muffins since that is all she consumed from Saturday to Monday.  She'd claim she was too ill to cook so that's all she could eat.  I'd point out that opening the Stouffers frozen food box, punching a hole through the plastic, and placing it in the microwave was truly not "cooking", but she'd call one of my sisters to tell them she had no food and I wouldn't get her any!  I'd then have to explain to the sisters what was really happening and wouldn't be believed.  So, I walked away.  Let them take over.  My sisters are of little use to me, but they took care of her until the end.  

You can always walk away.  There are grocery services that deliver.  He needs to understand that you cannot be at his beck and call.  It sounds like he is being unreasonable and you shouldn't have to put up with that.

Just remember, it's your father and your relationship, or lack there of.  It's no ones business what you do or don't do for him.  Every relationship and family dynamic is different and you need to take care of yourself and your husband.  If your father can't respect your time, tell him to find someone else to take advantage of.

[GeeGolly]

Whoa Cherry, you have your hands full! There are support groups for caregivers, but it doesn't sound like you have a lot of spare time. Do you see a therapist? Or journal? Or have an occasional drink of wine? Can you plan a day just for you?

If it helps at all, your situation sounds hard and frustrating.

[crazycatlady58]

Cherry, I used to pretend   I had a big punching bag and would "hit" it repeatedly . 

[lookeyloo]

Cherry - that sounds dismal. Is he lonely so that's why he bothers you? Or just annoying in general.   I had no feelings for my father either but he lived too far away to bother me.  Find him a new wife! Kidding. 

[CherryMalotte]

I've got a nice bottle of cheap wine from Aldi here.  It'll go well with our shroom and sausage pizza.  

Really it's because he's stuck - he can't drive, and now that his prostate will take precedence over any cataract surgery that's got to be frustrating for him. If he could drive I'm sure I'd only get a once a month call.  Losing my mother has very hard for him and he's still highly emotional - though I think in this case it's more because it's everything she did for him and she was someone who was always around, more than any great love he had for her.  Every time he gets into some tearful state though I go absolutely arctic cold. I think of the years that they were married and he only did what he wanted, never a thought for anyone else including his wife and child.  He would never see any of that - in fact yesterday he saw a bunch of little ones with their mother at the store and said 'you used to be little like that' and I said right back to him that I didn't remember ever being as happy as they seemed.  And it's true.  He really pulled a raw deal the other day that soured me - a friend of my parents has been an absolute saint and had been taking my mother to the junkers to get rid of a lot of old fittings and other stuff on occasion.  I had told my father that when they take the last bunch of stuff he was to give all the money to this guy as a thank for for all the times he'd taken mom and loaded up his truck.  The day they went I called him in the afternoon to see how everything had gone  - and he said he'd offered the friend $60 bucks for taking him and the friend had refused - but my dad got over $700!  Just give it all to him!  I just felt horrified, that man knew how much my dad got and here's my dad just shoving a paltry $60 at him.  I dunno, I just didn't like that, it seemed like a really cheap thing to do to somebody that has helped you countless times, and I know my father calls him to do little things around that awful house of theirs.  Sheesh.  

I'm pretty sure that when my mother was alive that people helped because she was nice to them, and was grateful.  At some point I think people are going to stop picking up the phone when he calls, and I can't say I blame them.  I know I will too at some point.  

Tonight with the pizza I think I'll watch some old Flipping Out episodes to gear up for this year.  You know what's been on my mind lately with all our hair talk is Shear Genius, now that was fun!

Edited July 11, 2016 by CherryMalotte
my tenses suck and I can't type pretty...

[ChocolateAddict]

My maternal grandmother lived alone for many years after my grandfather died.  She had nursed him for the best part of a decade so it was no small feat.  Being the Great Depression child that she was, she had the opinion that he should live in his own home rather than  a hospital.  My mother was the eldest but her younger brother (who is a fantastic guy it must be said) was definitely the favourite child.  

Anyway, mum essentially took care of nana for about 5-10 years.  She would help nana organise her house, etc, and would sneak over every Tuesday when she was out to empty, clean the fridge and refill it.  Nana was in the early stages of dementia (and in complete denial) and so would leave an uncovered steak in the fridge for half a week next to the open dog food or wouldn't notice that the milk was out of date.  Hence mum would have to go over and make sure that she didn't accidentally give herself food poisoning.  

But nana was (and still is) very, very stubborn and independent.  She wouldn't listen to mum but would completely agree if it was my uncle who made the suggestion (he lives about a 14 hour drive away).  It was devastating for mum to have her mother scream at her for interfering and tell her to get out of the house but she knew that it was mainly the dementia and embarrassment talking.  Nana hates that she can't remember things and basically took it out on mum for years. 

She is now living in a retirement village and we will be surprised if she makes it to Christmas.  I hate how her last few years of living in Sydney essentially ruined her relationship with my mum. 

 

The biggest thing I learnt from watching the whole thing was knowing when to walk away from an argument. Sometimes you just aren't going to win.  We also got the neighbors to help out, the lovely woman next door would knock on nana's door if the curtains weren't open by a certain time and her husband would do the gardening.  Apart from that a good cry usually helps. 

[Love2dance]

4 hours ago, CherryMalotte said:

I've had better weekends.

Really, I do try and keep 75% of my daily junk to myself because who wants to read downer stuff all the time?  I don't.  But today I have had my limit of my male DNA donor's bullshit and have to vent.

I find it completely depressing that this is the rest of my life, taking care of a parent I don't like or have any feelings for, and I hate feeling sorry for myself.  He'll have to have prostate surgery here sooner than later and the thought of having to take him to more appointments makes me physically ill.  

Anybody got any coping techniques, cause I'd love to hear them.
 

Sending hugs and sympathy to you. It is so hard, and you and your dad are both still in mourning, which adds to the pain for both of you.

Perhaps there are social services in your community that can help.....dial a ride, food delivery (as Kathe5133 said), etc.. Sounds like you need some tough love for your own sanity. Boundaries are going to be important, especially with his surgeries coming up. I think you are very wise to enlist your husband in helping to set the phone call limits.

Perhaps, when he has one of the surgeries you can enlist the hospital social worker to help you find services that he can use.

Hang is there. My thoughts are with you!!!

[Jynnan tonnix]

We've had some of those same problems on this end with my mother in law...though thus far I have not had to deal with all that much of it myself. My husband is currently with her in Delaware as she needed surgery on a compression fracture in her spine while I hold down the fort in Connecticut. He's made the 6 hour drive back and forth with her (and her cat) five or six times this year, the last three times in the past six weeks where she stays with us because although she will not admit to it (and my husband's 6 siblings are in denial) she is just no longer capable of independent living. She cannot keep her medication straight, she never thinks she is hungry, so left to her own devices will simply never get around to eating, she spends what seems like half her day searching for her handbag or glasses or any other items that she was just pointed towards five minutes earlier. She was trying to pay some bills the other day, and my husband gave her a bit of leeway to do something unaided. After two hours he checked on her, and she has written out one check (it was her second try; one was already torn up), but had done it wrong, and he took the next twenty minutes trying to get her to remember how to fill the date in. He wrote out the rest f the checks and had her sign them, but half an hour later she was in a panic because she thought she had forgotten to pay her bills.

She had to spend the night in the hospital after her spinal procedure the other day, and called my husband three separate times throughout the night in a panic because he had left her there and she didn't have her pocketbook or wallet or car keys and no idea how she was supposed to get home (which she thought she was ready to do).

Driving is NOT going to happen anymore, but I think that will be a bit of a struggle.

There's really no option but to move her in here with us unless one of us lives with her in Delaware. But I also know that she is adamant about not moving away from her home and thinks she's just "a little confused because so much is going on"

I'm simply not wired to be a nurse, though. I mean, we all do what we need to do, but I dread the time that she starts really needing a lot of physical everyday nursing, and suspect that may be sooner rather than later.

[RazzleberryPie]

From my own family experience, sometimes you just have to tell them they're 'visiting' you for a while until ---fill in the blank ---- their broken bone heals, their medication is straightened out, the roof is fixed, the weather is warmer, etc. 

you can't reason with dementia. It is frustrating, but part of life. 

[Absolom]

1 hour ago, RazzleberryPie said:

From my own family experience, sometimes you just have to tell them they're 'visiting' you for a while until ---fill in the blank ---- their broken bone heals, their medication is straightened out, the roof is fixed, the weather is warmer, etc. 

you can't reason with dementia. It is frustrating, but part of life. 

That is what I was told to do.  And if you aren't cut out for nursing find a way to get her into assisted living.  One way is to arrange for a respite care visit and let it extend "until."  We've used until you're stronger and until the doctor says it's time.  And absolutely no reasoning with dementia.  The reasoning processes are some of the first to go. 

[Happyfatchick]

@Jynnan tonnix, as she gets further along the dementia highway, things may gradually get better for her.  It sounds like right now, she's in a place where she knows that she doesn't know.  There's this "thing" that she can't wrap her brain around (eating, paying bills, etc), and she's still cognizant enough to know there's something she doesn't know.  (And this means she can still get defensive if you try to do something for her that she still recognizes as a task).  A little further down the road, it turns in to a big fat game of thinking ahead of the dementia patient.  For example, my mother would see one thing that doesn't belong (a Walmart bag on a chair).  Who's bag is that?  What's in that bag?  Did somebody leave that bag behind?  What's in that bag?  Who's bag is that?

Move the bag out of sight.  Presto, problem solved.  

So when she gets to the part of this journey where she doesn't even know that she doesn't know something, which is crazy, but believe me, you'll know it when you get there - life is generally less complicated for her, but far more challenging for caretakers.  Because at that point, it's a living, breathing chess game.  You'll be constantly surveying the territory, removing anything that makes her brain "stick".  Generally speaking, (is anything "generally speaking with dementia?) they sleep longer and deeper in this stage, and that's a good thing.  Helps keep the caretakers sane.  And seriously, you lie more than you tell the truth.  "Where's Joe?"  [Joe's been dead longer than Abe Lincoln...], and you respond with a straight face, "he's not here right now.  I think he's coming by later".  Lie through your teeth and be convincing.  

You just figure out what works, and stick with it until it doesn't work any more.  Then you figure out the next thing that works and stick with that until it doesn't work any more.  It will wear you out, make you feel boxed in, make you want to drink, swear and beat someone, it will test your limits until you are ready to jump off a bridge.  And then one day, it's over.  The silence is deafening.

it would be nice if we could say "I can only do what I can only do", but I think we're all (in this group) hard wired to think we can squeeze out just a little more, and a little more after that.

@CherryMalotte, I can't even.  You're going to kill yourself (or someone else) trying to take care of every thing in your life.  Why does he have to go to the store with you?  Can't he give you a list and some money?  Tell him you have some things to do, and don't have time to pick him up, but you'll stop by the store and bring his things. My dad liked to go in the store too, and I dealt with that for a long, long time until I memorized what he "needed" every single week (it never varied).  So I learned to get him inside the store, get him a cart (we still call them buggies, ha!) for support and say "I'll just run to the back and get the ____."  Of course, I'd be back before he went 10 feet.  And I'd say, I'll run and get the ____.  Not too long after that, when he knew that I knew he didn't feel well enough to trot around the store and just took him there so he could save face, I'd put his hands on the cart, run the whole store with a different cart and we'd be out in 20 minutes.  I learned every way possible to cut corners.  Drop him at the door so he can get a Buggy (!) while I park.  Hike out the door ahead of him at the doctors office and get the car so I could pick him up at the curb.  You've GOT to set some boundaries with your father, or you're both going to suffer.  

I often thought the most brutal part of the aging process was how they become so self centered.*  How they seem so completely oblivious to the fact that YOU have a life as well.  So many elderly parents don't get that, that you are launched and have family members of your own - children to love, husbands who've had surgery, cats to feed.  I spent 5 solid years feeling guilty every single day.  Every.Single.Day.  Because every single day, someone was being neglected.  Every day.  Your dad, CM, sounds like he might be a prime candidate for a retirement home.  No?

*I felt remorse commenting "they" are self centered.  My Daddy felt rotten every time I had to take him someplace.  He was very, very proud, and extremely independent, and he always always always thanked me for all the time I gave up for them.  He was not clueless about the sacrifice it took to be his caregiver.  Sorry, Daddy, it was a bad generalization.

[lookeyloo]

Beautifully written Happyfatchick. I've never been in that position. My mother in law is In a home because of dementia. It isn't Alzheimer's - she doesn't speak much at all. Sits in a wheel chair. Sad. But luckily the father in law has enough $$ to keep her where she is and can visit her every day.  I can't imagine how hard it is for all of you caregivers. 

[MunichNark]

First world problem whinge.......it's been fucking roasting these past few days, with over 30 fecking degrees. My place, being the top flat, now has 25 degrees and it's only 8.30am. AND I got fairly decently burned on Saturday......meeeeeeeeeeh.

It is supposed to be cooler tomorrow though......sigh. I hate summer.

This DNA testing bit actually sounds fascinating, I did a quick Google but it seems that these tests are dubious. I'd really love to see what I am made of though.

[MunichNark]

On 9 July 2016 at 5:14 AM, Jynnan tonnix said:

I used to hate my curly hair when I was growing up...Of course, that was the era when everyone wanted to be Marcia Brady, and there was no way my hair was ever going to do that. I never really fussed with it, though. When it got a bit longer, it was always sort of fun to just braid it, and it would stay braided without anything to hold the end together, even overnight. It does snarl really easily, though...I could probably get it dreadlocked without much trouble if I ever felt so inclined.

I didn't actually learn to embrace it until after I was pregnant, though...With all three pregnancies, I grew a whole lot more hair, which is typical, I guess, but then after my kids were born, it seemed that I lost all the pre-pregnancy hair, and what was left was almost completely straight. I'd have a good six months of hair that I had no idea what to do with because it actually needed styling to get it to look like anything, and I'd never learned the fine art of wielding a blow-dryer. That's how I realized how lucky I really was to have the sort of hair that needs practically zero upkeep.

Oddly, mine actually likes the humidity of summer and frizzes more in the wintertime with the static. It doesn't curl as much in the winter either. 

Here's one more photo, of the back after my daughter put a French braid in it...though I hesitate to put it up here because if it was a photo of a Duggar, it would be roundly criticized for everything from the unkempt look of the hair (yeah, I know it's in dire need of a good trim) to the messy backrgound (we had just been having pizza), but it does show the length & texture, and I'm open to suggestions on what to do with it, too :)

How did i miss that? My hair is similar to yours, only much lighter and perhaps a smidgeon curlier. Ive never braided it, wonder if i should try that. Dont think ive the face for it though.

[Jynnan tonnix]

40 minutes ago, MunichNark said:

How did i miss that? My hair is similar to yours, only much lighter and perhaps a smidgeon curlier. Ive never braided it, wonder if i should try that. Dont think ive the face for it though.

My hair generally is a bit curlier than that as well This was the same day that I had put the stripper in it, and it dried slightly straighter (and looking slightly longer) than usual.

[Barb23]

This weekend I've been on threads of other shows I watch but it feels so good to come back here,  to be "home" again.  One of my posts was involved in a little fracas that involved some posts getting removed (mine wasn't, just a poster went off on mine & another post  & her post was removed for being nasty.) Thanks to the Mods out there who try to keep us all in line & don't know how you do it.

My heart goes out to you all who are caretakers.  My siblings & I are lucky enough to have a mother who is 93, still lives alone & has her wits about her & then some.  Sometimes her mind gets to be too much, as she comes up with different scenarios of something she sees or questions why or why not things happen..  This weekend's  involved why the media hasn't let us know of the funeral arrangements for a well known local radio personality who died.  She doesn't know the man,except for listening to his show but acted like she needed the arrangements cuz she was going, which she wasn't. My sister & I keep telling her that maybe family wanted things to be kept private but she doesn't like that answer. Then she saw on TV one of the local weatherman sitting at a baseball game with another reporter from  same station.  First she thought they were married & after my sister & I googled him, told her the other reporter wasn't his wife.  She doesn't like her theories to be shot down, so now she says they must be having an affair just because they were seen together. Oh my.

[Rabbittron]

I am potty training my son and we were in Walmart and he had to go. So we went to the family bathroom and I started laughing because there was a little toilet and a big toilet. Is this where the Duggars got the idea for their own bathroom?

[emma675]

Cherry, hugs. I don't know how you do it. Are there any siblings who could help out at all?

My grandmother had Alzheimer's and my mom was the oldest sibling (and, if we're honest, the bossiest), so she was the one who took care of my grandmother the most. However, she did move her into assisted living and then eventually the full time, dementia unit. I'm also the oldest sibling in my family and my parents and I have a deal--they will eventually go into a home and no one will feel guilty about it. My mom doesn't want me to go through what she went through. We'll see if it works or not.

[Aja]

JYNNAN TONNIX, you have Nancy Botwin hair! What a luxurious dream! My hair is almost entirely without color (i.e. what happens to white-blond hair when one gets old), stick straight, and the consistency and thickness of duck feathers. ALL I EVER WANTED WAS NANCY BOTWIN HAIR!!

[kokapetl]

3 hours ago, Rabbittron said:

I am potty training my son and we were in Walmart and he had to go. So we went to the family bathroom and I started laughing because there was a little toilet and a big toilet. Is this where the Duggars got the idea for their own bathroom?

The only place I've ever seen a little toilet was in preschool, back in 1988, and they were in individual stalls. The teachers used them, and I thought that was weird. 

Edited July 11, 2016 by Kokapetl

[Happyfatchick]

Just thinking about those of you who are currently being caregivers, and those who see it coming.  {{hugs, sisters}}.  Nobody ever tells you how it's going to be - that you literally have kids flying out of the nest, and then elderly parents filling it back up.  Nobody tells you to brace yourself for this, because it's a crap shoot.  You can't really "plan" what will happen when parents get old - nobody has that crystal ball ability.  [My father and I went through my house and planned where to put doors, how to maximize our space and give him personal space.  we all knew he would outlive Mama, even HE knew it.  He was healthy as a horse!  And then...he wasn't.  So much for planning.].   It's JUST like having a toddler again, only worse.  Is such a guilty release when they go on to the next life.  You cry, you miss them terribly - and yet, when you swim to the surface, it's almost like spring every day.  It's a burden you'll take on because you are who you are, and I would run up and down the road another 5 years for my Mama.  And yet, it's spring every day.  I know good and dang well there are gold plated campers in heaven and they are touring like big dogs, and haven't thought about ME yet!!!  I think of them every day, though, and mostly now even without sadness.  Nobody trains you for this (unless, like me, you grew up in a home where caring for my grandmother was my mothers responsibility).  We have so MUCH on us already, at our ages - it is gargantuan, the task of caring for an elderly parent.  An elderly parent with big fat health issues expands it by twice, and stubbornness on top of health issues...ugh.  The thing is - someone mentioned in the thread above - there are groups for learning to deal with an alzheimers or dementia patient.  There are groups for learning to shift your life to take on an elderly parent.  When can you possibly DO that??  I mean, I was lucky to get one night with someone to fill in for me before we hired the sitter.  Was I going to give up my one night sitting in group therapy?  Pssssht.  Uhhhh, no.  

And back to hair:  JynnanT, I think every one of us has drooled over your hair with the braid.  I'm so smitten, I think I may actually have a crush on the back of your head.

[smlait]

2 hours ago, Rabbittron said:

I am potty training my son and we were in Walmart and he had to go. So we went to the family bathroom and I started laughing because there was a little toilet and a big toilet. Is this where the Duggars got the idea for their own bathroom?

They have a room like that at the mall.  I love it.  It's the only place my toilet training son will actually pee in a toilet outside of our house or his daycare.  Everywhere else, I get stuck going through the "I have to pee" routine that either ends with us in a public restroom, him playing with the doors then looking at the toilet and deciding he doesn't have to pee after all or with me sounding like "mean mommy" and saying "no" because I can't deal with that routine *again*.  

I wish more places had mini toilets in the family bathroom.   (Our toilets at home have an insert you can flip down that makes the seat smaller for him.)

Edited July 11, 2016 by smlait

[SuspiciousMind]

HFC, I can't thank you enough for your most recent post.  Your description couldn't have been more spot on or more timely for me, personally (just cleared the one-year mark of my sweet mama's passing).  Again, thank you for your eloquence with this topic and please know I send my good thoughts your way for all of your challenges that you've shared. 

[MarysWetBar]

I well remember the days of running with my mom. I was working full time and had teenagers at home. I really wished that I could have just picked up her groceries rather than the four hour job it was with her,  but understand that in her case, it was her only outing in a week sometimes. 

She used to insist on taking me to lunch for doing it, and I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes i just wanted to get her back home instead. But i never did. 

I think it has a lot to do with how your parents treated you as far as how much you resent helping them as they age. 

Cherry, doesn't seem like your Pops was very good to you so it will be much harder. 

My Mom always put us first, so i just figured it was her turn. 

To take this convo to a "dark place", I'm fasting today and gonna gag back  about 2 litres of some foul- smelling liquid for my first ever colonoscopy tomorrow!  

To add to the fun,  I'm getting a bonus endoscopy at the same time!  Aren't i the lucky one? 

Someone help a girl out and tell me it's a cakewalk.

PLEASE. 

I'm being consciously sedated (versed & fentanyl), so maybe i will be one of the lucky ones that wakes up asking when they are gonna start and it's already over?

I'm a bundle of nerves over this. 

Edited July 11, 2016 by MarysWetBar

[lookeyloo]

1 minute ago, MarysWetBar said:

I well remember the days of running with my mom. I was working full time and had teenagers at home. I really wished that I could have just picked up her groceries rather than the four hour job it was with her,  but understand that in her case, it was her only outing in a week sometimes. 

She used to insist on taking me to lunch for doing it, and I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes i just wanted to get her back home instead. But i never did. 

I think it has a lot to do with how your parents treated you as far as hour much you resent helping them as they age. 

Cherry, doesn't seem like your Pops was very good to you so it will be much harder. 

My Mom always put us first, so i just figured it was her turn. 

To take this convo to a "dark place", I'm fasting today and gonna gag back  about 2 litres of some foul- smelling liquid for my first ever colonoscopy tomorrow!  

To add to the fun,  I'm getting a bonus endoscopy at the same time!  Aren't i the lucky one? 

Someone help a girl out and tell me it's a cakewalk.

PLEASE. 

I'm being consciously sedated (versed & fentanyl), so maybe i will be one of the lucky ones that wakes up asking when they are gonna start and it's already over?

I'm a bundle of nerves over this. 

You will be fine. The worst part is the prep. After that it is a cakewalk. At least my two were. Had the scope also with esophagus dilated. A lovely sleep. You won't remember anything. And you only need enough prep to make things run clear a few times. For me it was about half. Drink it cold. Stay near potty. When it works it works. Very survivable. Report back in!!!

[Candy Cane]

I've had two minor surgeries with conscious sedation.  The first one I slept through the whole thing, the other one I alternated being asleep and being awake.  I have to say though that when I was awake I was talking and joking with the doctors and nurses.  I felt no pain, no fear, nothing uncomfortable at all.  Both times I felt the effect of the shot within seconds, it starts out feeling like you've had about four drinks more than you should have.  Hope it all goes well for you.

[Happyfatchick]

OH boy!  Colonoscopies!!!  Serious, tonight is your worst fear come true.  Stay in (or right outside the bathroom) prepare to be cleansed (and you most certainly WILL be...).  And then, it's over.  There is absolutely nothing scary about the procedure.  You don't typically know you're awake, but most of these procedures go that way so you will turn on your side for them, etc.. You don't know, and you don't care.  I've had zero pain, and zero lasting effects.  The prep is disgusting, but it's a few hours of disgusting and then you're home free.  Really.  Nothing to it. ?  Good luck!

[Love2dance]

14 minutes ago, MarysWetBar said:

To take this convo to a "dark place", I'm fasting today and gonna gag back  about 2 litres of some foul- smelling liquid for my first ever colonoscopy tomorrow!  

To add to the fun,  I'm getting a bonus endoscopy at the same time!  Aren't i the lucky one? 

Someone help a girl out and tell me it's a cakewalk.

PLEASE. 

I'm being consciously sedated (versed & fentanyl), so maybe i will be one of the lucky ones that wakes up asking when they are gonna start and it's already over?

I'm a bundle of nerves over this. 

You are going through the worst of it today. No fun, but doable. I brought my iPad in the bathroom with me during the most active part to keep me entertained.

Tomorrow you will not be awake during the procedures, and won't remember a thing. I've had three colonoscopies (and endoscopy too) and I wish I had not worried so much. It isn't a cakewalk, but close!  Let us know how it goes. Hugs!

[Aja]

Oh oh oh oh I had one too I had one too! It's a cinch. The only thing I remember is coming out of the anaesthesia, the nurse was waving a cup of Sprite under my nose going "Miss Aja! Miss Aja! Are you with us?" and I slapped the cup out of her hand and yelled "I'M SLEEPING!"

PS The prep is, shall we say, a bit grodie. BUT you do feel like someone scoured your insides with Scrubbing Bubbles. You feel weirdly squeaky clean--internally. 

Edited July 11, 2016 by Aja

[MarysWetBar]

Thanks so much,  you guys!  ?

See, this is weirdly when i miss my Mom the most!  She was so good at the "pffft..it's nothing. .gotta do it..you'll be fine , silly girl."

[Clemgo3165]

20 hours ago, CherryMalotte said:

I've had better weekends.

Really, I do try and keep 75% of my daily junk to myself because who wants to read downer stuff all the time?  I don't.  But today I have had my limit of my male DNA donor's bullshit and have to vent.

Been a busy and trying couple of weeks.  Husband had his knee replacement, went well but they had to do some 'extra' work in there to repair some ligament and tendon damage.  He got home last Sunday after being inpatient a few days, and really he's up and walking around pretty well with his walker, and has started his PT but some of that was sidetracked due to it being the 4th of July holiday.  I usually take my dad out for his groceries once a week on Fridays, but changed it to Saturday as I was to take the husband to PT.  Ended up he had to skip PT and get an ultrasound to check for clots, but anyway...so I haul my fat ass up on Saturday and get him from his house to the store...because later that day I want to get my hair roots touched up.  See, it's got to do with hair so it fits!  Two friggin hours later....we are just checking out.  Now I operate with a list, get my stuff and want to leave.  He's got a list, but because he is pokey and meanders with no direction and stops and talks to the stockers and various other store personnel and people he knows...instead of sticking to the plan and get your shit and get going.  He could do it all in less than an hour...but he doesn't, despite my dropping huge hints to him that I have other things I'm up to.  Drive him back to his house, and took his stuff out of the car and left it on the back stoop - all the while he's pulling his usual moaning and groaning about how much pain he's in, the big huff and puff act.  Not saying he doesn't have pain or is tired, but it's always interesting that it's the same precise moment every time we get back to his house with tons of bags and cat litter and water jugs...you know.  I go in, I fix the CC on his television as he asked, got the mail and went on my way.  I hadn't even gotten home when he'd already started calling, oh should I start taking my coumadin again (he had a prostate biopsy earlier in the week, I'm so staying away from that story).  Shit, I don't know, I'm not a nurse, and didn't you ask about that?  So he decides to take the pill.

This morning...I run and get my husband his daily ice supply and a bank deposit and couple of other small things and upon my return husband has this disgusted look on his face, which means the father has called again.  Now he's discovered he left a bag at the store, he called them, just has to bring his receipt in and they'll take care of it.  I am a bit beside myself but I drive to his house, get the receipt, and find it it's for one thing...garbage bags.  As in only one missing item.  I'm livid that he's bothered me for something this small, but keep my mouth shut because I'm really just trying to just get this done and over with.  I go, I get the stupid garbage bags, and run back to his house.  He's in the basement doing whatever so I leave the bags on his dining room table with the receipt and leave.  He tried to call twice on my cell while I was driving, but I'm still so pissed off at this point that I just blocked the calls.  

The husband is under instructions to tell him to leave me alone for a few days if he calls again today.  Unless he's dead, I don't want to know anything.  What doesn't help is that he's just totally oblivious to that fact that I have other things to attend to.  Mom's Medicaid still hasn't gone thru, and frankly they may be denying it at this point for all I know, I haven't had a call back or email from the case worker.  I had to break the news to a couple of people yesterday that she'd died - they'd pulled up while I was taking his groceries out of the back of my vehicle and asked how she was.  Sounds like they travel a lot and may not have had the news from anyone.  I find it completely depressing that this is the rest of my life, taking care of a parent I don't like or have any feelings for, and I hate feeling sorry for myself.  He'll have to have prostate surgery here sooner than later and the thought of having to take him to more appointments makes me physically ill.  

Anybody got any coping techniques, cause I'd love to hear them.
 

I've had to set some firm boundaries and at times, just let it go. My Mom broke her hip a couple of years ago and while she's healed very nicely, she's become a little needy and has some minor memory lapses. She also lives 3.5 hours away.

She'll call me any time anything tech related goes wrong at the house. Cleaning lady accidentally changes the channel on the TV she calls because she can't watch the news and Jeopardy, expecting me to fix it for her over the phone - which I manage to do for the most part. But this spring there was a power outage and her TV and VCR clocks, and the portable phone all went on the blink. She wanted me to drive 3.5 hours to come down to fix the outages when I had a trip planned less than three weeks later. I said "no" and encouraged her to find a kind neighbor or church volunteer to help. She found someone to fix the stove clock but I did the rest, just not until I'd planned to be there. You could try the same with your father and the garbage bags - he likely doesn't need them right away.

My Mom is a lot like your Dad at the store. She uses it to socialize too, she's also slowed down by the hip injury and is picky about all of her groceries - checks all the produce thoroughly, checks all the sell by dates, searches for the most recent offerings in the meat department, etc. And every time I visit we have to go to all three stores. One day I asked why we always did that, she replied that it was because I was there. Meaning she couldn't do it herself any longer and didn't want to bother a friend to travel to more than one store. So OK, now I just plan on it and try to enjoy my time with her, knowing full well it'll be 3 hours before the groceries are purchased, in the house, and put away. I don't love it, but it is what it is. 

I'm fortunate enough to be on good terms with my Mom, but hopefully you'll be able to find a way to work through it. It's not easy caring for an aging parent.

[Almost 3000]

1 hour ago, MarysWetBar said:

I well remember the days of running with my mom. I was working full time and had teenagers at home. I really wished that I could have just picked up her groceries rather than the four hour job it was with her,  but understand that in her case, it was her only outing in a week sometimes. 

She used to insist on taking me to lunch for doing it, and I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes i just wanted to get her back home instead. But i never did. 

I think it has a lot to do with how your parents treated you as far as how much you resent helping them as they age. 

Cherry, doesn't seem like your Pops was very good to you so it will be much harder. 

My Mom always put us first, so i just figured it was her turn. 

To take this convo to a "dark place", I'm fasting today and gonna gag back  about 2 litres of some foul- smelling liquid for my first ever colonoscopy tomorrow!  

To add to the fun,  I'm getting a bonus endoscopy at the same time!  Aren't i the lucky one? 

Someone help a girl out and tell me it's a cakewalk.

PLEASE. 

I'm being consciously sedated (versed & fentanyl), so maybe i will be one of the lucky ones that wakes up asking when they are gonna start and it's already over?

I'm a bundle of nerves over this. 

Jello helps and just stay close to the potty, very close. Drink fast. The day before is the worst and the procedure isn't a big deal. In fact, I could have driven home but of course they won't let you and I felt remarkably refreshed, clean and light!

[crazycatlady58]

2 hours ago, MarysWetBar said:

I well remember the days of running with my mom. I was working full time and had teenagers at home. I really wished that I could have just picked up her groceries rather than the four hour job it was with her,  but understand that in her case, it was her only outing in a week sometimes. 

She used to insist on taking me to lunch for doing it, and I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes i just wanted to get her back home instead. But i never did. 

I think it has a lot to do with how your parents treated you as far as how much you resent helping them as they age. 

Cherry, doesn't seem like your Pops was very good to you so it will be much harder. 

My Mom always put us first, so i just figured it was her turn. 

To take this convo to a "dark place", I'm fasting today and gonna gag back  about 2 litres of some foul- smelling liquid for my first ever colonoscopy tomorrow!  

To add to the fun,  I'm getting a bonus endoscopy at the same time!  Aren't i the lucky one? 

Someone help a girl out and tell me it's a cakewalk.

PLEASE. 

I'm being consciously sedated (versed & fentanyl), so maybe i will be one of the lucky ones that wakes up asking when they are gonna start and it's already over?

I'm a bundle of nerves over this. 

My heart  goes out to you over the drink. Get it as cold as you  can, sip it with a straw, have a good  book and a clear path to the bathroom . And remember  " This to shall pass". The test proper  for me was a cakewalk. If you have some hard candy some people  say if you suck it after you drink the liquid  it will help take the taste   out of your   mouth . 

[kokapetl]

3 hours ago, MarysWetBar said:

I well remember the days of running with my mom. I was working full time and had teenagers at home. I really wished that I could have just picked up her groceries rather than the four hour job it was with her,  but understand that in her case, it was her only outing in a week sometimes. 

She used to insist on taking me to lunch for doing it, and I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes i just wanted to get her back home instead. But i never did. 

I think it has a lot to do with how your parents treated you as far as how much you resent helping them as they age. 

Cherry, doesn't seem like your Pops was very good to you so it will be much harder. 

My Mom always put us first, so i just figured it was her turn. 

To take this convo to a "dark place", I'm fasting today and gonna gag back  about 2 litres of some foul- smelling liquid for my first ever colonoscopy tomorrow!  

To add to the fun,  I'm getting a bonus endoscopy at the same time!  Aren't i the lucky one? 

Someone help a girl out and tell me it's a cakewalk.

PLEASE. 

I'm being consciously sedated (versed & fentanyl), so maybe i will be one of the lucky ones that wakes up asking when they are gonna start and it's already over?

I'm a bundle of nerves over this. 

I assume you really only need to lie there and take it. 

[louannems]

Even if you never usually buy them, do get yourself some disinfecting wipes for the toilet.  You will trash that toilet!

[MarysWetBar]

18 minutes ago, Kokapetl said:

I assume you really only need to lie there and take it. 

Take this,  smartass!   Haha

[CherryMalotte]

Good luck with the colonoscopy there MarysWetBar.  I have been sedated like that and don't remember a thing, had to have an EGD years ago when I was inpatient for getting the gallbladder out, one of those deals where 'oh we will go ahead and test for everything' before they decided to yank out the dysfunctional part.  I do remember the nurse saying that I was humming to myself, that wherever I was I was having a good time.  Same happened when I had the wisdoms out years ago, I remember distinctly being at some rockin' concert.   

I appreciate the kind words and suggestions, I think the occasional vent is keeping me sane.  He called three times today and I'm not calling him back.  He's got food and his bills are paid, nothing urgent going on.  There are some really nice neighbors next to him that mow his grass and if they thought something funny was going on they'd call and let me know, and they are well acquainted with how he operates and how nutty he used to drive my mom.     

[GeeGolly]

I chickened out of my colonoscopy. Hubby has had two, the procedure was definitely no big deal for him, the drinking and pooping he tolerated well. And similar to other posters he enjoyed the feeling of being empty. He enjoyed it so much, he mentioned it too much.

Pottying boys in public restrooms is a breeze if they're peeing. Just stand them on the seat and let em pee. They don't have to touch a thing.

[smlait]

2 hours ago, GeeGolly said:

Pottying boys in public restrooms is a breeze if they're peeing. Just stand them on the seat and let em pee. They don't have to touch a thing.

Thanks for the suggestion, but his fear of heights would kick in if I tried to make him stand on a toilet seat. 

[CalicoKitty]

MarysWetBar  Actually my colonoscopy was a piece of cake.  Once you finish the prep, the rest is easy.  You sleep, you wake up, you go home and eat lunch.  I've had two - 10 years apart- and had a different prep each time.  But both times it is a very easy test.  Thinking about it is the bad part....  Good luck!

[Readalot]

MWB, I concor, the prep is the worst of it. I did the colonoscopy with NO sedative (they make me either very emotional or angry). It took about 18 minutes. I felt cramping but nothing severe. I'm glad they didn't find anything. They did IV me in case they had to do biopsies (antibiotics). - Cherry, im sending prayers for strength or happy thoughts, whatever you will accept. 

[Catlyn]

19 hours ago, Kokapetl said:

The only place I've ever seen a little toilet was in preschool, back in 1988, and they were in individual stalls. The teachers used them, and I thought that was weird. 

 

11 hours ago, GeeGolly said:

Pottying boys in public restrooms is a breeze if they're peeing. Just stand them on the seat and let em pee. They don't have to touch a thing.

Don't have any colonoscopy stories, but concerning small pottys and potty training boys...

My nephew when he was about 2 - 3 had to go to the doctors for some tests. My sister was a single mother and couldn't take time off, so it was arranged that my mother and I would take him.  That was a trip! It was at an army base, so they were all service men, not really used to children. Not that they were bad, but the x-ray tech was a little impatient because the kid wouldn't sit still (he's two, they don't!). But, afterward, he felt bad and was in the hall trying to make up with a crying kid (who gets splotches when upset) only to have a nurse come by and look at the splotchy kid and ask, "What did you do to him?"  The tech really wasn't that bad. His mother also gets splotchy when upset.

The next test is the one that's on subject. Trying to get a kid who has just been potty trained "like a big boy" to pee in a cup.  Lucky it was a big bathroom, because it took both my mom and me to convince him that sometimes big boys have to pee in cups for doctors. "Pee in cup? No, I'm a big boy! I pee in toilet! Oma and Cat are silly!" 

The final test was drawing blood. It took two medics, a nurse, and me to hold him down and still for them to get the needle in.  Afterward. we took him out for lunch and explained we weren't planning on any other outings like this for a long time. He was satisfied and after 40 some years can still laugh at the potty story. 

 

the second, with the small potties, our cable company is now situated in what was once an elementary school along with other small offices. They must have just moved there because the bathrooms still have the small sized potties. I went in when all of the big stalls were in use and got stuck in the small one. Well since, I'm only 5 feet, it wasn't that bad. But, it was a surprise!

[Barb23]

Regarding the kiddy potties - my son works at an architectural firm that designs mostly schools & he is working on the renovations of an elementary school.  They had discussion about a single bathroom that was added near the gym/auditorium.  Should it be a child sized toilet or regular?  It was decided to make it child sized because that's who would be using it the most.  I know, can't believe they probably wasted 1/2 hour making this decision.  Believe it or not, bathrooms are a big deal in designing a public building. And it's the joke of architects on their first days of work, the new person is assigned something to do with the bathrooms, cuz no one else wants to do it. They tell the newbies that it may seem tedious, but is very important. On a side note, I kid my son that a man definitely designed the public bathrooms in the new office building  I had worked at.  They were gorgeous - marble counters, nice lighting, etc,.  But they lacked a changing table!!  And this in a building that housed many doctor offices where there would be babies & small children.  They could have at least had one of those molded pull down kind but that wouldn't have matched the decor but sometimes necessity needs to win out.

[Jynnan tonnix]

Potty stories...When I was starting school (around 1964), the first few years we were still living in England, in a small rural village. The bathrooms were in a separate building; a shed, really - I suppose they must have been outhouses at some point as the school building itself was not exactly of recent vintage. The teachers would walk all us younger children out there like a row of ducks at prescribed times. The girls' side of the shed had stalls, but no outer door, and the boys' side not only didn't have an outer door, but the "facilities" consisted of a shallow trench bordering the floor. We girls spent a lot of time craning our necks to peer in there. Makes all the current fuss about bathrooms sound even sillier than it is...

[Barb23]

Remember those toilets they had in picnic areas or parks back in the day -  it was just a toilet over a dug out hole? There was a park we loved to go to that had these types of toilets. We never knew how deep they were but  it was always brought up that  a baby or smaller child had fallen down the hole never to be seen again.  Just a rumor, but being about 10 at the time it scared me to death. Needless to say, we didn't tarry too long in the bathroom (or restroom, as Ma Duggar would say.)

[emma675]

Ugh, my company is having layoffs. They did one round in June and they'll be another round every month until October. I don't know if I prefer to get a severance package or keep my job, constantly looking over my shoulder for the axe. It's a miserable environment to work in, everyone is freaked out. I'm working on my resume and putting out feelers. I forgot how much it sucks to look for a job and I'm a person that haaaates change, so this really stinks.

[Catlyn]

So sorry, emma675. It's not a good feeling as you watch everyone slowly leave.  I had a law firm that was closing and layoffs like yours. I hate interviewing, but had to put out feelers. I also started working temp jobs and ended up with a permanent one through one of those.  Did I say I HAAAATE interviewing?

[zoomama]

yeah thats not fun, emma675, not fun at all. i can understand your not knowing which is the least desirable option. good luck.