Small Talk: The Prayer Closet

[Wellfleet]

Thank you so much.  You made me feel so special

 

Did you check out the reviews? Very positive across the board - and the color is just dazzling... 

[amitville]

Did you check out the reviews? Very positive across the board - and the color is just dazzling... 

I can not wait to order them

[Love2dance]

I hate to talk about my health issues but I am hoping all you smart awesome people can give me some advice. 

  So does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle a disability insurance company?

BURLSA, I wish I could give you advice, but all I can offer is concern, support and virtual hugs. It is terrible that in addition to having to deal with these debilitating health issues, you are having to fight so hard for the benefits you are entitled to. I hope the others on this board who can offer real advice will be able to help you.

[amitville]

BURLSA, I wish I could give you advice, but all I can offer is concern, support and virtual hugs. It is terrible that in addition to having to deal with these debilitating health issues, you are having to fight so hard for the benefits you are entitled to. I hope the others on this board who can offer real advice will be able to help you.

love2dance  you said what i could not put into words.  Thank you.   

Edited November 19, 2015 by amitville

[Lemur]

I'm at a loss of what to do now. I can't work because I am just too ill. My job is working with annuities, I handle customer calls and explain their product to them. I need to be quick to think and I also need to be able to read my computer screen. At this time, I just cannot do that reliably. I have made a follow up with my primary in hopes that she can reach out to the insurance company and straighten it all out. My appointment isn't until December 7th though. And I don't know what I am going to do with no income at all. I'm afraid all this stress will only make me more sick. So does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle a disability insurance company?

 

Also, from the medical end of things, have you seen a rheumatologist yet?  It's been my experience that they're freaking fantastic at getting this sort of thing approved as well as getting anything auto-immune related under control.   

[burlsa]

Also, from the medical end of things, have you seen a rheumatologist yet? It's been my experience that they're freaking fantastic at getting this sort of thing approved as well as getting anything auto-immune related under control.

I would love to see a rheumatologist, my doctor refuses to refer me to one. She "doesn't think it's rhuematological." My neurologist said depending on the results of the lumbar puncture, that he would refer me to one. He does believe it's rhuematological. So I'm waiting. I'm also waiting to see an endocrinologist and opthamologist. My thyroid decided to stop working and start working randomly.

Amitville and love2dance, thank you. Support does wonders. It's nice to have a safe place to retreat to when life gets tough.

For those who have PMed me, I will get back to you. My laptop decided to crap out the other day, and replying via mobile is no fun.

[lookeyloo]

I would love to see a rheumatologist, my doctor refuses to refer me to one. She "doesn't think it's rhuematological." My neurologist said depending on the results of the lumbar puncture, that he would refer me to one. He does believe it's rhuematological. So I'm waiting. I'm also waiting to see an endocrinologist and opthamologist. My thyroid decided to stop working and start working randomly.

Amitville and love2dance, thank you. Support does wonders. It's nice to have a safe place to retreat to when life gets tough.

For those who have PMed me, I will get back to you. My laptop decided to crap out the other day, and replying via mobile is no fun.

burlsa, wishing you some better luck in this department because maybe competence of the people you are dealing with is too much to ask.  Just wondering if you have been exposed to anything toxic?  Environmental illnesses are real too.  Hoping you can get what you need.

[bigskygirl]

{{{HUGS}}} burlsa

 

I am seeing an allergist on the 30th because my allergies have gotten worse since the treatment I had. I have noticed I have a hard time swallowing while I eat. The blood test from a couple of weeks ago shows no signs of lupus or rheumatoid arthritis. I am thinking the muscle and tissue damage from being hyper and now hypo is causing problems along with the sleep apnea. I am still having some jaw pain and ear aches along with upper chest pain and pressure, but at least my heart looks good.

[GeeGolly]

Red, thanks. I will try that again. I had issues getting approval originally. The company also kept saying they never received the paperwork from my primary care doctor. My primary was on top of it. I contacted my employer and they got after the company. I even got a different case worker for a short time.

Now I'm back to the crappy case worker. And when I call in they politely refuse to transfer me to my case worker. And she has a habit of calling at the worst times so I never get a chance to speak with her. They also refuse to give me anything in writing outside of the decision letters.

I will pm you the company.

{{{HUGS}}} to you burlsa. I think RedPony is giving great advice. Keep at it, get that original report in. I swear, I think they do this purposely hoping folks will just give up & give in. It's hard enough to jump through all this hoops when feeling well, and even harder, as you know, when dealing with illness. Good luck!

[leighroda]

Thank you all, you are all too sweet... I was tired and upset when I wrote about my mom last night... I really should lock my phone from diatribes at 4 am... Lol.

With all the pet talk, I was wondering if I could solicit y'all for some advice.

Meet Rosie, my sisters 4 (or maybe 5) yr old toy fox terrier http://imgur.com/1FPrUlz(I posted pictures further up but I figure it's easier to add to this post than tell you to refer up, besides who doesn't love dog person pictures, and if you don't; then you don't have to click :) )

Rosie has always been quite the nervous Nellie, my sister adopted her from a local shelter when she was about 9 months old. I've lived with my sister for about 3 years, so of anyone else in The world I'm probably the next person she is comfortable with other than my sister. But even with me she doesn't always trust me. Her story of how she wound up in a shelter is that she developed "cherry eye" which required surgery, so her owner surrendered her, a shelter paid for the surgery and my sister adopted her soon after. We strongly believe she was abused and that is the cause of her nervousness. There is a certain group of people she gets extremely riled up against and she's a little racist ( we do not support this, but think it kinda adds to the narrative of why she is so nervous). I am not exagerating, she gets really freaked out lets out a squeal when something she doesn't like happens, it can be anything as simple as taking off her collar, I did once even though my sister warned me not to because I figured it couldn't be *that* bad, and she didn't come near me for 2 months. Once I had to put eye drops in her eye (which required putting her on her leash as she will not allow anyone to hold her and restrain her) and I kid you not I have not been able to walk her for 2 YEARS, because she will not allow me to put her leash on (she still cuddles with me and let's me handle her as long as I do not reach for a leash) .

The vet has always been quite the undertaking, she hates them with a passion, and has to be muzzled because she lashes out.

A few weeks ago my sister took her in for her teeth cleaning, we recently switched to banfield because the old vet was too far once we moved..my sister liked the health coverage plan they offered and it's literally across the street.

Before I go too much further I just want to disclaimer I was not present for the actual event... So the only details I have are second hand.

Ok so being that the vet is in petsmart, my sister went to drop her off around 7 am before she went to work. From the time they got to the parking lot Rosie was pissed and wanted nothing to do with the vet. It's always an ordeal, but my sister even said it was worse than her usual. So she was trying to do the hand off, and I you know how the take the collar off and try to slip their leash on, somewhere in the process Rosie slipped out of her collar before the vet tech got the other on and lept out of my sisters arms and took off through the store. Thankfully they weren't open yet but she sent everyone on a wild goose chase and was extremely agitated trying to bite anyone who got close. With the running and my sister being in heels she didn't catch up until they had caught Rosie trying to get out the front door (thankfully the automatic doors weren't on, so she did t get out). By the time my sister got to them there was someone on top of Rosie holding her head down under a towel (keep in mind Rosie is only 10 lbs) as my sister got closer she saw there was blood on the ground, once she was caught and examined they found that she was missing 3 teeth. The employees say that she was biting so hard her teeth came out (im not sure what she was biting but none of the humans were bit) honestly I suspect that her head was slammed down and knocked the teeth out... But we can't prove it and it's their words against our speculation. They said that her teeth were likely already loose but I find that hard to believe, she has never had any other dental issue and gets regular cleaning/ check ups and it has never even been mentioned she has any loose teeth, in fact in her check up prior to the teeth cleaning the vet commented that they were remarkably healthy.

Anyway, we had to wait for the vet to get there, once she did she continued with the cleaning and gave Rosie some stitches where the teeth were missing. My sister was devastated it was all pretty traumatic to her Rosie is her baby, and she felt like she failed at keeping Rosie safe. It didn't help that the employees were shaming her for Rosie's behavior implying that she somehow caused this behavior and saying it was extremely abnormal. My sister was aware Rosie's behavior was extremely skiddish but she always attributed it to the potential abuse she suffered, so she didn't pursue any treatment because she wasn't aware it was really extreme, she just chocked it up to nerves.

The vet told her she needed to see a vet behaviorist, and my sister is willing to do it because she hates that she is so scared of everything and if it is something that can be eased she will do it without any hesitation. So my question to y'all is has anyone ever dealt with a vet behaviorist? We don't even know what to expect from it, or how beneficial it would truly be. My sister wants what is best for Rosie but at the same time doesn't want to drop the cash if it isn't going to change anything.

[ChocolateAddict]

leighroda I'm so sorry to hear about what happened with your gorgeous dog, it sounds like it was really traumatic for both Rosie and your sister.  It also seems like the vet techs were seriously out of line, first restraining a tiny dog like that and then shaming your sister about the whole thing.  Maybe they should have better procedures in place rather than having a go at someone who has given an abused dog a home and clearly loves her.

I don't know anyone who has used a vet behaviorist so I can't offer any help with that.  For our girl, we have a spray that we use when she gets really upset (mainly after operations, she has had a few).  You can put it on a bandanna or spray it on the bed to calm them down.  Did the other vet have any strategies about making her more comfortable?  

[lookeyloo]

Thank you all, you are all too sweet... I was tired and upset when I wrote about my mom last night... I really should lock my phone from diatribes at 4 am... Lol.

With all the pet talk, I was wondering if I could solicit y'all for some advice.

Meet Rosie, my sisters 4 (or maybe 5) yr old toy fox terrier http://imgur.com/1FPrUlz(I posted pictures further up but I figure it's easier to add to this post than tell you to refer up, besides who doesn't love dog person pictures, and if you don't; then you don't have to click :) )

Rosie has always been quite the nervous Nellie, my sister adopted her from a local shelter when she was about 9 months old. I've lived with my sister for about 3 years, so of anyone else in The world I'm probably the next person she is comfortable with other than my sister. But even with me she doesn't always trust me. Her story of how she wound up in a shelter is that she developed "cherry eye" which required surgery, so her owner surrendered her, a shelter paid for the surgery and my sister adopted her soon after. We strongly believe she was abused and that is the cause of her nervousness. There is a certain group of people she gets extremely riled up against and she's a little racist ( we do not support this, but think it kinda adds to the narrative of why she is so nervous). I am not exagerating, she gets really freaked out lets out a squeal when something she doesn't like happens, it can be anything as simple as taking off her collar, I did once even though my sister warned me not to because I figured it couldn't be *that* bad, and she didn't come near me for 2 months. Once I had to put eye drops in her eye (which required putting her on her leash as she will not allow anyone to hold her and restrain her) and I kid you not I have not been able to walk her for 2 YEARS, because she will not allow me to put her leash on (she still cuddles with me and let's me handle her as long as I do not reach for a leash) .

The vet has always been quite the undertaking, she hates them with a passion, and has to be muzzled because she lashes out.

A few weeks ago my sister took her in for her teeth cleaning, we recently switched to banfield because the old vet was too far once we moved..my sister liked the health coverage plan they offered and it's literally across the street.

Before I go too much further I just want to disclaimer I was not present for the actual event... So the only details I have are second hand.

Ok so being that the vet is in petsmart, my sister went to drop her off around 7 am before she went to work. From the time they got to the parking lot Rosie was pissed and wanted nothing to do with the vet. It's always an ordeal, but my sister even said it was worse than her usual. So she was trying to do the hand off, and I you know how the take the collar off and try to slip their leash on, somewhere in the process Rosie slipped out of her collar before the vet tech got the other on and lept out of my sisters arms and took off through the store. Thankfully they weren't open yet but she sent everyone on a wild goose chase and was extremely agitated trying to bite anyone who got close. With the running and my sister being in heels she didn't catch up until they had caught Rosie trying to get out the front door (thankfully the automatic doors weren't on, so she did t get out). By the time my sister got to them there was someone on top of Rosie holding her head down under a towel (keep in mind Rosie is only 10 lbs) as my sister got closer she saw there was blood on the ground, once she was caught and examined they found that she was missing 3 teeth. The employees say that she was biting so hard her teeth came out (im not sure what she was biting but none of the humans were bit) honestly I suspect that her head was slammed down and knocked the teeth out... But we can't prove it and it's their words against our speculation. They said that her teeth were likely already loose but I find that hard to believe, she has never had any other dental issue and gets regular cleaning/ check ups and it has never even been mentioned she has any loose teeth, in fact in her check up prior to the teeth cleaning the vet commented that they were remarkably healthy.

Anyway, we had to wait for the vet to get there, once she did she continued with the cleaning and gave Rosie some stitches where the teeth were missing. My sister was devastated it was all pretty traumatic to her Rosie is her baby, and she felt like she failed at keeping Rosie safe. It didn't help that the employees were shaming her for Rosie's behavior implying that she somehow caused this behavior and saying it was extremely abnormal. My sister was aware Rosie's behavior was extremely skiddish but she always attributed it to the potential abuse she suffered, so she didn't pursue any treatment because she wasn't aware it was really extreme, she just chocked it up to nerves.

The vet told her she needed to see a vet behaviorist, and my sister is willing to do it because she hates that she is so scared of everything and if it is something that can be eased she will do it without any hesitation. So my question to y'all is has anyone ever dealt with a vet behaviorist? We don't even know what to expect from it, or how beneficial it would truly be. My sister wants what is best for Rosie but at the same time doesn't want to drop the cash if it isn't going to change anything.

OMG the poor little thing! Did you ever watch "it's me or the Dog" with Victoria Stilwell the behaviorist. She did help the families with their dogs with issues. She has a different approach I thought than Cesar Millan who I think is a little too rough sometimes. Maybe she can find a local one who won't break the bank. Personally we found one through our vet for our German Shepard dog who didn't react well to children. She helped us to learn how to Handle him in the neighborhood with the kids who wanted to pet him. He became fine with that. He could never get used to the grandkids coming so we boarded him in the "luxury spa" when they came. Could have gotten her but they only came once a year so it would have meant retraining each time and I didn't want to take any chances. Other than that he loved all adults. He loved delivery men. Even those carrying packages and wearing uniforms. The UPS guy delivered a rug and was scared of the dog. We said no problem he will love you and he did. The. Whenever we were walking the dog and the UPS guy saw us he would stop the truck and give the dog a quick pet. Behaviorist said since he didn't grow up with children he was skittish with their different movements. anyway sorry for getting off track but I am missing him right now. I hope you find some help for Rosie.

The other suggestion is to look into a Thunder shirt that is supposed to deal with doggie anxiety. Kind of like swaddling. It says for noise related trauma but you can decide if it looks promising.

[Catonc]

Maryswetbar - I agree with you. My Mom was in a nursing home after suffering so many strokes I lost count. We were all at her bedside after her last stroke waiting for the end. She signaled us it was ok for us to leave. After we got home we received a phone call from her nurse stating she had passed after we all left. The nurse said she had seen it happen all the time. The nurse stated some people do not like dying in front of their families.

My father did that to us (4 children).  He waited until we left to go speak to a trust attorney and he died after we had left.  My two brother in laws were there when he died, so at least he wasn't alone. 

[Happyfatchick]

It's crazy that when I logged on tonight, I'm finding all these Stories of being there for loved ones when they pass.

Crazy because my mom (Mama) has apparently transitioned into the last stages of Alzheimer's and has not been out of bed for 3 days. I called her PC today to ask about a hospice referral, but they instead are sending another agency that is the middle guy between "pretty sick" and "hospice". They are going to do an assessment and tell us what is our next step. We will keep her home, she is exactly where she would want to be, if she could think it out or articulate.

I've been saying for 6 months that she wouldn't make Christmas, but HOLY COW, I never meant that to be date specific. I'm not ready!!! I'm not I'm not I'm not!!! I'm having a BABY in the next two weeks. (Is that a classic dichotomy or what?). It's the HOLIDAYS! (I've always felt so so sorry for people who lost loved ones in holidays). My one brother who's worth keeping at all is having a second rotator cuff surgery on dec 10. The other brother is as useless as whale excrement (but that's not how we say it at home).

I'll say this, I have learned to me more assertive. My Daddy wanted to die at home. He BUILT that house and lived happily ever after, he'd placed everybody carefully on the map nearby, and he wanted to die surrounded by people who loved him. He wanted to go out in Amish style. I was overruled, and he went to the hospital where he died 4 days later. He wanted to go home. That's all he ever asked for. So this morning when it became apparent that this is, in fact, the "home" stretch, my SIL began to argue about the hospital. Maybe she has a brain bleed. Maybe she has an electrolyte imbalance. Here's how I feel: I feel if we take her into the ER, we are SAYING, "fix this". You don't GO there to mark it off a list, you GO there with an expectation to be fixed. Healed. What IF she has a brain bleed? She couldn't withstand the treatment, and so we would know she had a bleed but couldn't fix it. She's nearly 86 with severe Alzheimer's. What would be the goal in determining her specific problem? You can't restore her. She's TIRED. HER LITTLE BODY IS JUST TIRED.

And so eventually, I said, NO. I will call someone to come in here and give us direction and advice, but I will NOT take her to a hospital. I won't do it. My brothers who I shall call "RC2" for (rotator cuff 2) and WS (whale poo) both bowed to their mean little sister. Actually both agreed readily.

My older son (tender hearted soul, and Mama's favorite) called and cried, and cried saying "and Rachel isn't even home!!" (Because Missionary, you know). The younger son is dropping by shortly - and so my day isn't done.

It's been a hard day. Tomorrow doesn't look any better. It's just hard. How is it that I want her stay and want her to go at the same time? How is it I'm spilling my guts to people I've never even met? "Oversharing" someone once called it, and I was embarrassed because...that's me.

[NEGirl]

Bursla - So sorry to hear about your health problems.   Does your state have state disability benefits ? If so, you can apply for them. I think your Primary may have to verify your health problems. It is worth a try.     

[leighroda]

leighroda I'm so sorry to hear about what happened with your gorgeous dog, it sounds like it was really traumatic for both Rosie and your sister. It also seems like the vet techs were seriously out of line, first restraining a tiny dog like that and then shaming your sister about the whole thing. Maybe they should have better procedures in place rather than having a go at someone who has given an abused dog a home and clearly loves her.

I don't know anyone who has used a vet behaviorist so I can't offer any help with that. For our girl, we have a spray that we use when she gets really upset (mainly after operations, she has had a few). You can put it on a bandanna or spray it on the bed to calm them down. Did the other vet have any strategies about making her more comfortable?

The only other intervention she gave was Xanax for vet visits.

And my sister is skeptical that will help.

Lookyloo, she would never let us put on a thundershirt, she won't let us even put on a shirt or a harness. I am glad to hear your behaviorist was helpful though... That gives us a little more hope.

I forgot to also mention we will no longer be using that vet, Rosie never liked any vet, but she tolerated the one she had before we moved, so even though it's far we are going to take her back to that one.

[wilsie]

 

It's been a hard day. Tomorrow doesn't look any better. It's just hard. How is it that I want her stay and want her to go at the same time? How is it I'm spilling my guts to people I've never even met? "Oversharing" someone once called it, and I was embarrassed because...that's me.

Happy, this is such a safe place to share your feelings no matter what.  It's understandable you don't want to give up your mom but you just don't want her to continue the way she is.

[Chicklet]

It's so hard dealing with family who doesn't understand the dying process and wants to run back to the "safety" of a hospital where the dying will be subjected god knows what in the name of delaying the inevitable. I've had to fight with in-laws and family to stop the madness. Most Americans are so out of touch with end of life issues and hell, even with what's normal it's sad. Most people go on thinking they will live forever and remain fully functional. 

I feel for you all going through that now.

And as much as I feel like I'm dying of this cold, I don't think I am but it's sure as hell making me crabby. I ranted in an email at work like I couldn't control it and, I couldn't ha. One day at a time.

[MarysWetBar]

It's crazy that when I logged on tonight, I'm finding all these Stories of being there for loved ones when they pass.

Crazy because my mom (Mama) has apparently transitioned into the last stages of Alzheimer's and has not been out of bed for 3 days. I called her PC today to ask about a hospice referral, but they instead are sending another agency that is the middle guy between "pretty sick" and "hospice". They are going to do an assessment and tell us what is our next step. We will keep her home, she is exactly where she would want to be, if she could think it out or articulate.

I've been saying for 6 months that she wouldn't make Christmas, but HOLY COW, I never meant that to be date specific. I'm not ready!!! I'm not I'm not I'm not!!! I'm having a BABY in the next two weeks. (Is that a classic dichotomy or what?). It's the HOLIDAYS! (I've always felt so so sorry for people who lost loved ones in holidays). My one brother who's worth keeping at all is having a second rotator cuff surgery on dec 10. The other brother is as useless as whale excrement (but that's not how we say it at home).

I'll say this, I have learned to me more assertive. My Daddy wanted to die at home. He BUILT that house and lived happily ever after, he'd placed everybody carefully on the map nearby, and he wanted to die surrounded by people who loved him. He wanted to go out in Amish style. I was overruled, and he went to the hospital where he died 4 days later. He wanted to go home. That's all he ever asked for. So this morning when it became apparent that this is, in fact, the "home" stretch, my SIL began to argue about the hospital. Maybe she has a brain bleed. Maybe she has an electrolyte imbalance. Here's how I feel: I feel if we take her into the ER, we are SAYING, "fix this". You don't GO there to mark it off a list, you GO there with an expectation to be fixed. Healed. What IF she has a brain bleed? She couldn't withstand the treatment, and so we would know she had a bleed but couldn't fix it. She's nearly 86 with severe Alzheimer's. What would be the goal in determining her specific problem? You can't restore her. She's TIRED. HER LITTLE BODY IS JUST TIRED.

And so eventually, I said, NO. I will call someone to come in here and give us direction and advice, but I will NOT take her to a hospital. I won't do it. My brothers who I shall call "RC2" for (rotator cuff 2) and WS (whale poo) both bowed to their mean little sister. Actually both agreed readily.

My older son (tender hearted soul, and Mama's favorite) called and cried, and cried saying "and Rachel isn't even home!!" (Because Missionary, you know). The younger son is dropping by shortly - and so my day isn't done.

It's been a hard day. Tomorrow doesn't look any better. It's just hard. How is it that I want her stay and want her to go at the same time? How is it I'm spilling my guts to people I've never even met? "Oversharing" someone once called it, and I was embarrassed because...that's me.

I think you are a wonderful daughter to be so conflicted. What i did with my own Mom was think" forget what my wishes or needs are right now.. what would Mom want? Would she want to be kept alive and never be the same again? Would she want to be kept here when there is no hope at all for even one bright happy laughing loving moment with us?"

The hardest loss i ever survived was losing my Mom, HFC. But i know in my soul that it was her time to go and that she wouldn't want to be here hooked to machines. She was far too alive her whole life for that.

You will be ok. You seem to have a Wonderful close family that will support you through it all. Let your mom know you will be ok and that you will live a life full of love and will always honour her life every day until the end of yours.

HUGE FFH for you. XO

Edited November 20, 2015 by MarysWetBar

[Jynnan tonnix]

Never worry about oversharing, HFC...at least not here. I'm a chronic oversharer, and the only people I've ever felt really close to are the same way. It might drive a wedge between people in real life whe one is a sharer and the other not so much, but that's the beauty of forums like this...First of all, I think they just attract people who are more prone to sharing and understand the mindset to begin with, and secondly if someone starts reading and then chooses not to get into it they can just skim by, but you will not have alienated them by trapping them into having to sit and listen to an entire story.

 

For what it's worth, you have never posted anything that I don't read with interest

Edited November 20, 2015 by Jynnan tonnix

[lookeyloo]

It's crazy that when I logged on tonight, I'm finding all these Stories of being there for loved ones when they pass.

Crazy because my mom (Mama) has apparently transitioned into the last stages of Alzheimer's and has not been out of bed for 3 days. I called her PC today to ask about a hospice referral, but they instead are sending another agency that is the middle guy between "pretty sick" and "hospice". They are going to do an assessment and tell us what is our next step. We will keep her home, she is exactly where she would want to be, if she could think it out or articulate.

I've been saying for 6 months that she wouldn't make Christmas, but HOLY COW, I never meant that to be date specific. I'm not ready!!! I'm not I'm not I'm not!!! I'm having a BABY in the next two weeks. (Is that a classic dichotomy or what?). It's the HOLIDAYS! (I've always felt so so sorry for people who lost loved ones in holidays). My one brother who's worth keeping at all is having a second rotator cuff surgery on dec 10. The other brother is as useless as whale excrement (but that's not how we say it at home).

I'll say this, I have learned to me more assertive. My Daddy wanted to die at home. He BUILT that house and lived happily ever after, he'd placed everybody carefully on the map nearby, and he wanted to die surrounded by people who loved him. He wanted to go out in Amish style. I was overruled, and he went to the hospital where he died 4 days later. He wanted to go home. That's all he ever asked for. So this morning when it became apparent that this is, in fact, the "home" stretch, my SIL began to argue about the hospital. Maybe she has a brain bleed. Maybe she has an electrolyte imbalance. Here's how I feel: I feel if we take her into the ER, we are SAYING, "fix this". You don't GO there to mark it off a list, you GO there with an expectation to be fixed. Healed. What IF she has a brain bleed? She couldn't withstand the treatment, and so we would know she had a bleed but couldn't fix it. She's nearly 86 with severe Alzheimer's. What would be the goal in determining her specific problem? You can't restore her. She's TIRED. HER LITTLE BODY IS JUST TIRED.

And so eventually, I said, NO. I will call someone to come in here and give us direction and advice, but I will NOT take her to a hospital. I won't do it. My brothers who I shall call "RC2" for (rotator cuff 2) and WS (whale poo) both bowed to their mean little sister. Actually both agreed readily.

My older son (tender hearted soul, and Mama's favorite) called and cried, and cried saying "and Rachel isn't even home!!" (Because Missionary, you know). The younger son is dropping by shortly - and so my day isn't done.

It's been a hard day. Tomorrow doesn't look any better. It's just hard. How is it that I want her stay and want her to go at the same time? How is it I'm spilling my guts to people I've never even met? "Oversharing" someone once called it, and I was embarrassed because...that's me.

HFC - sad to hear. It is sad and there is no getting used to it. Nothing will make it easier. So sorry. But agree that there is nothing to treat. Not easy. Not fun. Sending FF hugs

[crazycatlady58]

Hfc, I am so sorry, stay strong, there never is a good time. You have a group here that cares even if we do not know you.This can be your safe place where you can say what you are feeling. Take care.

[RedPonyDriver]

HFC....stand your ground. My mother had told me for YEARS that she wanted to die like my dad did...at home, no heroic measures. My dad died of end-stage COPD. He was admitted to the hospital for heart failure, rallied, came home and died at home, in his chair the next morning. It was kind of weird...my mom was firm on letting him go, but we didn't have a DNR order. So...mom and I sat outside and drank coffee with my dad's body still in his chair...about 45 minutes later we called EMS and his doctor. We figured that by waiting, he'd be "good and dead" and EMS wouldn't try anything (yeah...sounds horrible now that I've written it out). With my mom, she passed about 6am. I called the hospice nurse about 7am...again to escape ANY chance of anyone trying to bring her back. 

 

So...I understand...I really do. Let your feelings out, there's no "right way" to handle this. You have to rely on maybe previous conversations you may have had with your mom and your gut. Many hugs and lots of love to you. 

[frenchtoast]

Leighrhoda, I would definitely look into getting a behaviorist and working with Rosie. Because be they kids or dogs, they can still not let past abuse dictate their behavior today. It may not happen overnight, but it's not fair for poor Rosie to be stuck always anxious and looking for abuse. I think a behaviorist would help you and your sister lead Rosie to a happier and content life. Whatever happened in the past, happened. What you can influence and take hold of is what is happening now and the future.

 

Anyway, that's my two cents. We adopted two greyhounds. One of them is nippy which is NOT OK. We'll be calling a trainer so we can learn how to teach him that behavior is not ok. We've them approximately one month and not matter what their life was on the track or in their kennels, they are living in a home now. They are learning the routine but we have to help them learn. And that is going to mean training. It may mean a behaviorist. But I think as their guardian, I owe it to them to use whatever tools are available to me to make their lives better.

[Readalot]

Burlsa, I don't have any advise for filing disability but I wish you all the best! I've dealt with insurance companies with more than my fair share of disputes etc, some have lasted six months and it definitely was a pain. Luckily this last year my husbands employer hired a health care advocate to help us with insurance issues. - I think I mentioned my teen has EDS-3, POTS and a Chiari malformation. Since she has been 8 or so randomly she gets a click in her neck then her left side goes numb. Her tongue, face, it goes all the way down to her feet. Sometimes her leg gets numb enough that she falls down. She doesn't lose conscienceness and it might last a few minutes. She has had two MRI's, EMG's, a 24 hour monitored inpatient EEG (of course nothing happened then) and the only thing that shows is her Chiari. She can't have a standing MRI because she will pass out. So the drs aren't "worried" but of course it's not normal. Sorry to ramble but every dr we have been to has never had a patient with the left side issue. And we have never met someone who has it. (Even though epilepsy runs in my family they have ruled it out). if you ever get a definite cause of your left side numbness will you please let me know? I know it could be a different cause than my daughters but as you know it is frustrating to be hitting a wall. She also gets facial and hand tics but they think it might have to do with dehydration because they are so small and intermittent. - I hope you get answers and correct and firm diagnosis soon so the correct treatment can begin. (((Hugs)))

[Readalot]

HFC I just read your post and my heart aches for you. I have no doubt your mom feels you are the best daughter ever and is grateful for how well you have taken care of her and she knows she is leaving your family in your very capable hands and she will miss you. Letting go is the hardest thing to do but her love will always live inside of you. (((A gentle hug)))

[Jenniferbug]

HFC, hugs and prayers for you and your mama.

[Sew Sumi]

HFC, you're doing the right thing. I'm glad that it seems that you have the support of your brothers (regardless of their poop status LOL). 

 

My MIL is the last of our living parents. She's had two falls in 11 months but is healthier than my husband and I combined. Although she has a DNR in place (thank goodness), but that said, I am sure that she will outlive us both. Her female line has several centenarians in it. Long term care may well fall on my SIL who lives across the country...but hey, she will be the only one left! LOL

[pinkie]

This is the anniversary of my Mum dying. I was alone w/ her through it b/c other family members said they "couldn't handle it", and the experience left me traumatized, but I am so glad that I could do it for her.

I wanted to say that reading all your stories helps me. Thank-you!!

 

HFC ((huge hugs))

[leighroda]

Leighrhoda, I would definitely look into getting a behaviorist and working with Rosie. Because be they kids or dogs, they can still not let past abuse dictate their behavior today. It may not happen overnight, but it's not fair for poor Rosie to be stuck always anxious and looking for abuse. I think a behaviorist would help you and your sister lead Rosie to a happier and content life. Whatever happened in the past, happened. What you can influence and take hold of is what is happening now and the future.

Anyway, that's my two cents. We adopted two greyhounds. One of them is nippy which is NOT OK. We'll be calling a trainer so we can learn how to teach him that behavior is not ok. We've them approximately one month and not matter what their life was on the track or in their kennels, they are living in a home now. They are learning the routine but we have to help them learn. And that is going to mean training. It may mean a behaviorist. But I think as their guardian, I owe it to them to use whatever tools are available to me to make their lives better.

No, thanks, I appreciate the 2 cents! We just want her to be happy and so now that this has become more of an issue lately we really need to do something, our lives have been hella crazy so it kinda slipped through the cracks until it became a bigger issue. We also have 2 extra dogs in the house (my moms) and they don't get along so that's not helping.

[NikSac]

My mom passed away in February and this is my first holiday season without her, I have been reflecting a lot around the circumstances when she died and felt really guilty.

Long story short my mom was diagnosed with endometrial cancer, and not given very long to live. Being that at the time I was in nursing school it just made since that between my sister and I that I would be the one to go home to take care of her (my sister is all finance/business, which was helpful with the estate/will so we made a good team) we live in Florida and my mom was in Texas, so I made the trek just in time for her to be released from the hospital into in home hospice care. I fought for her to be in a hospice facility, even if I was more prepared than anyone else to clinically/physically care for her, nothing prepared you for your first patient dying, and especially when that patient is your mom. But I lost that fight when my moms only sibling and people from her church said they would help so I wouldn't be doing it by myself.

 

<snip>

I feel terrible that here she was in her last days, and I was tired and cranky, so I wasn't there for her in the end. She was going to die the next day but I needed a nap, and to go to target. I know it's irrational, and I know I couldn't have known, but I still feel like I was really selfish in hat moment.

Then I read all the midlife orphan posts... While I hope I'm not technically a midlife orphan (I'm only 33... So here's to hoping this isn't the middle)... My dad passed away a year before my mom, so I'm in the club...btw Are we having thanksgiving dinner? Are there any club meetings?lol

 

I didn't even know what to snip out, but what a beautiful post. I'm so sorry for your loss. And yeah that whole "you won't be doing it by yourself" thing is pretty much BS. People say that, bring over a casserole, and don't even realize you're there 24/7 without much other help. 

 

I'm sorry you went through this recently. I fear I'll be going through the same somewhat soon with my Mom, and every time I read posts about it I cry. It's comforting in some way to know other people care and understand.

[RedPonyDriver]

For everyone who's going through the whole end of life thing with a parent, please know my heart is with you. It is so hard to watch our parents become frail and ill. We see our parents as the oak trees of our lives, We can't imagine our lives without our parents. I know, that although I didn't have the best relationship with my mother, I really would love to have her around. My father didn't live long enough to meet any of his great grandchildren, and that just kills me. My daughter was his "little princess", I was his "big princess" and he would have been absolutely INSANE over my granddaughters...I mean INSANE...and it bothers me to no end that he didn't live long enough to meet them.  

 

It's so hard...my heart hurts for all of you. If you want to talk, whine, fuss, gripe, or just cry...please, reach out to me...don't go through this alone. 

[Lemur]

I would love to see a rheumatologist, my doctor refuses to refer me to one. She "doesn't think it's rhuematological." My neurologist said depending on the results of the lumbar puncture, that he would refer me to one. He does believe it's rhuematological. So I'm waiting. I'm also waiting to see an endocrinologist and opthamologist. My thyroid decided to stop working and start working randomly.

 

Re-reading your initial post, that makes sense.  He wants to make sure you don't have MS or Hashimoto's.  I guess, within the framework of health insurance, that would make sense but I hope, regardless, you get to see a rheumatologist as well, just to make sure you aren't having joint issues.  RA in the jaw is horrible.  I'm hoping and praying that you don't get a lingering diagnosis and have answers soon.  Have they at least started you on a steroid to bring your SED rate down?  Also, I'm hoping you get your disability situation worked out.  That's a whole other level of stress you don't need.

Edited November 20, 2015 by Lemur

[BrianJ62]

Prayers to all the posters on here during the holiday seasons, especially those who have lost someone special to them this year. I lost a beloved niece of mine this year, this will be the first holiday season without her. Also prayers to those going through personal struggles during the holiday season.

Edited November 20, 2015 by BrianJ62

[Barb23]

Re-reading your initial post, that makes sense.  He wants to make sure you don't have MS or Hashimoto's.  I guess, within the framework of health insurance, that would make sense but I hope, regardless, you get to see a rheumatologist as well, just to make sure you aren't having joint issues.  RA in the jaw is horrible.  I'm hoping and praying that you don't get a linger diagnosis and have answers soon.  Have they at least started you on a steroid to bring your SED rate down?  Also, I'm hoping you get your disability situation worked out.  That's a whole other level of stress you don't need.

I hope, too, you get to see a rheumatologist as many conditions are auto immune related. Having rheumatoid arthritis for over 30 years, I'm lucky to have found a great rheumatologist. Stress plays a part in so many diseases & I still feel it played a big part when my arthritis symptoms started.

Prayers to all who are going thru tough times. Holidays don't make it any easier.

[KittyS]

Bad stuff really seems to happen around the holidays, doesn't it?

I am all for respecting a client's wishes when it comes to dying at home or in the hospital. With Hospice, both options can be satisfactory, depending on the person. I just want to clarify that going to the hospital does not have to mean you will be receiving treatment versus palliative care. Hospitals have specific Hospice units or Hospice beds and you have a right to specify which interventions someone will receive. Through Hospice, a care plan can be specified down to the tiniest details. It is very possible to be in a hospital and only receive comfort care to ease the passing, but you need to be clear and have it all spelled out in writing. That said, if someone chooses to die at home, their wishes should be respected. Hospice can help with that transition as well. Again, going to the hospital does not have to mean they will try to fix you / treat you.

I am so sorry for all of you who are going throught this right now.

[emma675]

Not to bang on the thyroid drum, but...

 

burlsa, have you ever had a thyroid antibodies panel done? Your symptoms sound very extreme for thyroid issues, but it's one to rule out. And the rheumy might do it, you might not even need an endo.

 

bigskygirl, when is the last time you had a thyroid ultrasound? With the neck and ear pain you mentioned, it almost sounds like compression symptoms (where your thyroid has gotten so big it's compressing everything around it in your neck). Even if it's "dead", it can still get swollen.

 

happyfatchick, big frontal hugs from one southern girl to another. This may sound totally bitchy, but you're the daughter and she's "just" the SIL. She gets no say in your mom's treatment, that's up to you and your brothers. 

[Tabbygirl521]

Bad stuff really seems to happen around the holidays, doesn't it?

I am all for respecting a client's wishes when it comes to dying at home or in the hospital. With Hospice, both options can be satisfactory, depending on the person. I just want to clarify that going to the hospital does not have to mean you will be receiving treatment versus palliative care. Hospitals have specific Hospice units or Hospice beds and you have a right to specify which interventions someone will receive. Through Hospice, a care plan can be specified down to the tiniest details. It is very possible to be in a hospital and only receive comfort care to ease the passing, but you need to be clear and have it all spelled out in writing. That said, if someone chooses to die at home, their wishes should be respected. Hospice can help with that transition as well. Again, going to the hospital does not have to mean they will try to fix you / treat you.

I am so sorry for all of you who are going throught this right now.

I agree 1000% about hospice and the support they offer, whether at home or in a hospital setting.

They helped us so very much when my mom became ill. We were able to let Mom remain at home, and we had all kinds of support 24/7 with just a phone call. They have people to help with physical care of your loved one. Volunteers are often available for hair cutting, manicures, etc for the patient. Or to sit with them if you need a break or must run errands, etc. Or if you like, when the very end is near, there are vigil watchers if you would like support at that time. It is amazing.

And I don't know if this is unique but they continued to follow up with us as survivors, offering all kinds of grief support.

And not for nothing- it was very helpful to be able to call them after Mom passed, and have them swing into action to take care of all the next steps. They know what they're doing and it helped us not fall apart or panic.

Most important, of course, is that Mom got to handle things the way she wanted. They helped us keep her comfortable, both physically and emotionally.

Hapoyfatchick and anyone else facing this kind of transition - I am sending much love.

Edited November 20, 2015 by Tabbygirl521

[Lemur]

I hope, too, you get to see a rheumatologist as many conditions are auto immune related. Having rheumatoid arthritis for over 30 years, I'm lucky to have found a great rheumatologist. Stress plays a part in so many diseases & I still feel it played a big part when my arthritis symptoms started.

Prayers to all who are going thru tough times. Holidays don't make it any easier.

 

Barb, my sister, mother, father and aunt all have or had RA.  I won the genetic lottery and ended up with Crohn's.  Considering what I've seen them go through, I'll take it (for now, until it advances, then I'll complain and end up on a biologic like the rest of the family).  

[JenCarroll]

It's crazy that when I logged on tonight, I'm finding all these Stories of being there for loved ones when they pass.

Crazy because my mom (Mama) has apparently transitioned into the last stages of Alzheimer's and has not been out of bed for 3 days. I called her PC today to ask about a hospice referral, but they instead are sending another agency that is the middle guy between "pretty sick" and "hospice". They are going to do an assessment and tell us what is our next step. We will keep her home, she is exactly where she would want to be, if she could think it out or articulate.

I've been saying for 6 months that she wouldn't make Christmas, but HOLY COW, I never meant that to be date specific. I'm not ready!!! I'm not I'm not I'm not!!! I'm having a BABY in the next two weeks. (Is that a classic dichotomy or what?). It's the HOLIDAYS! (I've always felt so so sorry for people who lost loved ones in holidays). My one brother who's worth keeping at all is having a second rotator cuff surgery on dec 10. The other brother is as useless as whale excrement (but that's not how we say it at home).

I'll say this, I have learned to me more assertive. My Daddy wanted to die at home. He BUILT that house and lived happily ever after, he'd placed everybody carefully on the map nearby, and he wanted to die surrounded by people who loved him. He wanted to go out in Amish style. I was overruled, and he went to the hospital where he died 4 days later. He wanted to go home. That's all he ever asked for. So this morning when it became apparent that this is, in fact, the "home" stretch, my SIL began to argue about the hospital. Maybe she has a brain bleed. Maybe she has an electrolyte imbalance. Here's how I feel: I feel if we take her into the ER, we are SAYING, "fix this". You don't GO there to mark it off a list, you GO there with an expectation to be fixed. Healed. What IF she has a brain bleed? She couldn't withstand the treatment, and so we would know she had a bleed but couldn't fix it. She's nearly 86 with severe Alzheimer's. What would be the goal in determining her specific problem? You can't restore her. She's TIRED. HER LITTLE BODY IS JUST TIRED.

And so eventually, I said, NO. I will call someone to come in here and give us direction and advice, but I will NOT take her to a hospital. I won't do it. My brothers who I shall call "RC2" for (rotator cuff 2) and WS (whale poo) both bowed to their mean little sister. Actually both agreed readily.

My older son (tender hearted soul, and Mama's favorite) called and cried, and cried saying "and Rachel isn't even home!!" (Because Missionary, you know). The younger son is dropping by shortly - and so my day isn't done.

It's been a hard day. Tomorrow doesn't look any better. It's just hard. How is it that I want her stay and want her to go at the same time? How is it I'm spilling my guts to people I've never even met? "Oversharing" someone once called it, and I was embarrassed because...that's me.

I think that's completely normal, especially when dementia is involved. You're right about the hospital IMO, at this point any kind of medical intervention is pointless and even kind of cruel to the patient. There's nothing to do but wait it out and keep offering your love. Hugs to you.

[bigskygirl]

Not to bang on the thyroid drum, but...

 

burlsa, have you ever had a thyroid antibodies panel done? Your symptoms sound very extreme for thyroid issues, but it's one to rule out. And the rheumy might do it, you might not even need an endo.

 

bigskygirl, when is the last time you had a thyroid ultrasound? With the neck and ear pain you mentioned, it almost sounds like compression symptoms (where your thyroid has gotten so big it's compressing everything around it in your neck). Even if it's "dead", it can still get swollen.

 

happyfatchick, big frontal hugs from one southern girl to another. This may sound totally bitchy, but you're the daughter and she's "just" the SIL. She gets no say in your mom's treatment, that's up to you and your brothers. 

The last thyroid scan (no thyroid ultrasound ever) was in May 2007. I am waiting to see what the allergist says and what tests she may want to run. I know I am in good hands with my eye doctor, endocrinologist, and physician assistant. I know the answers are around the corner, and we will have the answers. Thank you for your advice and beating the thyroid drum.

 

And to everyone who are sick or have seriously ill family members and friends, {{{HUGS}}} and sending you love and hope. I admire and respect you. I have lost family members during the holiday season. My husband was diagnosed on 11/17/2000 with his illness. The doctor told him if he did not start treatment right away he would have died between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

[Happyfatchick]

Thank you all so much for the prayers and cyber hugs. Mama is resting comfortably, but as you can imagine in our tight family circle, the parade has begun. Hopefully, the ding dongs on the periphery come by and move on. WS is asleep with his mouth open in her living room and his daughter (who couldn't be bothered with her Granny for TWO YEARS) is currently laying in the bed cooing to her. (Makes me throw up in my mouth a little). RC2 came by, but only wanted to retrieve a saw blade from the shed. I gave the sitter permission to regulate who sees her, and for how long. It annoys the shit out of me that we have to regulate these adults who are truly only coming to make themselves feel better (looking at YOU, WS and daughter).

I realized last night, it hasn't hit me that this is the real end. I'm ferocious as a lion about her, and giving her space (I'm a Leo!), but I haven't "taken in" that its really, truly winding down. I've been doing this for so LONG! Maybe it's a good thing I'm having to monitor the visitors visits. I get to smack people around, and I've wanted to smack some of these people for years. My mother was active in church for 70 years. ACTIVE. I can count on one hand (and not use all the fingers) who's been coming to see Mama for this whole duration. When she quit knowing them, or they got tired of hearing her repeating things, they quietly let themselves out. I know it's hard, I GET it. But YOU were joined up like sisters. I've HEARD you sing-song that my mother was your best friend. Even the best friend you ever had. Sooooo....WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?????

She has a friend, Miss DOT. Her name must be capitalized because DOT is a yeller. (Hard of hearing). DOT will be 88 very shortly. Last year Miss DOT fell in the parking lot at WM, and broke her wrist. Required surgery and some down time. She wasn't to drive for awhile. Within 2 days of getting the hardware off and being able to drive, Miss DOT was back at the house. She brings Mama socks and hard candies. She sits in the living room and patiently, so patiently answers mama's "question of the day" 115 times. Once I answered the door with a towel on my head. She says, "OH! IT MUST BE HAIR WASH DAY! I WASH MINE ON TUESDAYS!!" DOT is grateful and happy that she herself is not homebound, and it has become her life mission to show her gratitude by visiting her old friends who are. I love DOT. I hope when I'm 88, I am DOT.

My mother had a zillion friends back in the day. She always had a bestie and 10 people who wanted to be. She was funny, smart, very involved, busy, thrifty, crafty, ornery and the life of the party. About 5 or so years ago, the Congo line vanished and my Mama was dancing alone. It pissed me off SO bad. There was one friend that I thought would never ever go away. But. She did. She was faithful and loyal as a blue tick hound dog for years, and stuck with us about a year after Daddy left. I actually pursued her. My mother ADORED this woman. I called, I sent notes, I took Mama there to visit, I took her blueberries. It still pisses me off. She'll come, when she hears Mama is down. I pray I'm there. I have a quilt my Mama started for her (fully pieced, about half quilted) before she just couldn't DO that sort of thing any more. I'm giving it to her and I hope it brings her to her knees. I hope she feels badly the rest of her life for how she's turned away from Mama the last couple years. I hope she puts that quilt in her closet and it calls out to her in the dark. "You're a baaaaaaad person. You neglected your friend! You were WRONG for that..." You know, not actually "scary" voices, just whispery ones.

I guess you can read 2 definite trends in this post (3 if you're in the Oversharing crowd):

1). I am very (maybe just a little) protective of my family and

2). This is not real to me yet

The not-quite-hospice nurse is coming Tuesday morning and I'm sure she will order hospice nurses quickly. I'm not sure what this organization is, but the doctor is sending them so it's legit. An organization that tells you what to DO when you've chosen to let your loved one stay at home for the duration. Do they continue to oversee after hospice is involved? I don't know. Does anybody know this? joanArc, you got anything? I'd never heard of such a thing before.

[amitville]

Thank you all so much for the prayers and cyber hugs. Mama is resting comfortably, but as you can imagine in our tight family circle, the parade has begun. Hopefully, the ding dongs on the periphery come by and move on. WS is asleep with his mouth open in her living room and his daughter (who couldn't be bothered with her Granny for TWO YEARS) is currently laying in the bed cooing to her. (Makes me throw up in my mouth a little). RC2 came by, but only wanted to retrieve a saw blade from the shed. I gave the sitter permission to regulate who sees her, and for how long. It annoys the shit out of me that we have to regulate these adults who are truly only coming to make themselves feel better (looking at YOU, WS and daughter).

I realized last night, it hasn't hit me that this is the real end. I'm ferocious as a lion about her, and giving her space (I'm a Leo!), but I haven't "taken in" that its really, truly winding down. I've been doing this for so LONG! Maybe it's a good thing I'm having to monitor the visitors visits. I get to smack people around, and I've wanted to smack some of these people for years. My mother was active in church for 70 years. ACTIVE. I can count on one hand (and not use all the fingers) who's been coming to see Mama for this whole duration. When she quit knowing them, or they got tired of hearing her repeating things, they quietly let themselves out. I know it's hard, I GET it. But YOU were joined up like sisters. I've HEARD you sing-song that my mother was your best friend. Even the best friend you ever had. Sooooo....WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?????

She has a friend, Miss DOT. Her name must be capitalized because DOT is a yeller. (Hard of hearing). DOT will be 88 very shortly. Last year Miss DOT fell in the parking lot at WM, and broke her wrist. Required surgery and some down time. She wasn't to drive for awhile. Within 2 days of getting the hardware off and being able to drive, Miss DOT was back at the house. She brings Mama socks and hard candies. She sits in the living room and patiently, so patiently answers mama's "question of the day" 115 times. Once I answered the door with a towel on my head. She says, "OH! IT MUST BE HAIR WASH DAY! I WASH MINE ON TUESDAYS!!" DOT is grateful and happy that she herself is not homebound, and it has become her life mission to show her gratitude by visiting her old friends who are. I love DOT. I hope when I'm 88, I am DOT.

My mother had a zillion friends back in the day. She always had a bestie and 10 people who wanted to be. She was funny, smart, very involved, busy, thrifty, crafty, ornery and the life of the party. About 5 or so years ago, the Congo line vanished and my Mama was dancing alone. It pissed me off SO bad. There was one friend that I thought would never ever go away. But. She did. She was faithful and loyal as a blue tick hound dog for years, and stuck with us about a year after Daddy left. I actually pursued her. My mother ADORED this woman. I called, I sent notes, I took Mama there to visit, I took her blueberries. It still pisses me off. She'll come, when she hears Mama is down. I pray I'm there. I have a quilt my Mama started for her (fully pieced, about half quilted) before she just couldn't DO that sort of thing any more. I'm giving it to her and I hope it brings her to her knees. I hope she feels badly the rest of her life for how she's turned away from Mama the last couple years. I hope she puts that quilt in her closet and it calls out to her in the dark. "You're a baaaaaaad person. You neglected your friend! You were WRONG for that..." You know, not actually "scary" voices, just whispery ones.

I guess you can read 2 definite trends in this post (3 if you're in the Oversharing crowd):

1). I am very (maybe just a little) protective of my family and

2). This is not real to me yet

The not-quite-hospice nurse is coming Tuesday morning and I'm sure she will order hospice nurses quickly. I'm not sure what this organization is, but the doctor is sending them so it's legit. An organization that tells you what to DO when you've chosen to let your loved one stay at home for the duration. Do they continue to oversee after hospice is involved? I don't know. Does anybody know this? joanArc, you got anything? I'd never heard of such a thing before.

I am  so sorry., i just want to hug you and make everything go away.  I to am a lion over my little family 

Edited November 20, 2015 by amitville

[lookeyloo]

Reading this thread brings back memories of my past situations over the many years and how I felt going through them  and makes me want to be able to take it all away from your shoulders.  I wish I had a magic wand but, since I don't, please know that I wish for all of you the strength to carry on.  Sending virtual ff hugs.

[amitville]

Reading this thread brings back memories of my past situations over the many years and how I felt going through them  and makes me want to be able to take it all away from your shoulders.  I wish I had a magic wand but, since I don't, please know that I wish for all of you the strength to carry on.  Sending virtual ff hugs.

This is so a beautiful and powerful post. thank you

[Jellybeans]

I am sorry everyone is having a hard time. I haven't said much because I am having a hard time too. I do not look forward to Thanksgiving but it is coming. Maybe a Cornish Hen will not be too big.

*edited because wow, I left half of an entire word off.

Edited November 20, 2015 by Jellybeans

[leighroda]

Thank you all so much for the prayers and cyber hugs. Mama is resting comfortably, but as you can imagine in our tight family circle, the parade has begun. Hopefully, the ding dongs on the periphery come by and move on. WS is asleep with his mouth open in her living room and his daughter (who couldn't be bothered with her Granny for TWO YEARS) is currently laying in the bed cooing to her. (Makes me throw up in my mouth a little). RC2 came by, but only wanted to retrieve a saw blade from the shed. I gave the sitter permission to regulate who sees her, and for how long. It annoys the shit out of me that we have to regulate these adults who are truly only coming to make themselves feel better (looking at YOU, WS and daughter).

I realized last night, it hasn't hit me that this is the real end. I'm ferocious as a lion about her, and giving her space (I'm a Leo!), but I haven't "taken in" that its really, truly winding down. I've been doing this for so LONG! Maybe it's a good thing I'm having to monitor the visitors visits. I get to smack people around, and I've wanted to smack some of these people for years. My mother was active in church for 70 years. ACTIVE. I can count on one hand (and not use all the fingers) who's been coming to see Mama for this whole duration. When she quit knowing them, or they got tired of hearing her repeating things, they quietly let themselves out. I know it's hard, I GET it. But YOU were joined up like sisters. I've HEARD you sing-song that my mother was your best friend. Even the best friend you ever had. Sooooo....WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?????

She has a friend, Miss DOT. Her name must be capitalized because DOT is a yeller. (Hard of hearing). DOT will be 88 very shortly. Last year Miss DOT fell in the parking lot at WM, and broke her wrist. Required surgery and some down time. She wasn't to drive for awhile. Within 2 days of getting the hardware off and being able to drive, Miss DOT was back at the house. She brings Mama socks and hard candies. She sits in the living room and patiently, so patiently answers mama's "question of the day" 115 times. Once I answered the door with a towel on my head. She says, "OH! IT MUST BE HAIR WASH DAY! I WASH MINE ON TUESDAYS!!" DOT is grateful and happy that she herself is not homebound, and it has become her life mission to show her gratitude by visiting her old friends who are. I love DOT. I hope when I'm 88, I am DOT.

My mother had a zillion friends back in the day. She always had a bestie and 10 people who wanted to be. She was funny, smart, very involved, busy, thrifty, crafty, ornery and the life of the party. About 5 or so years ago, the Congo line vanished and my Mama was dancing alone. It pissed me off SO bad. There was one friend that I thought would never ever go away. But. She did. She was faithful and loyal as a blue tick hound dog for years, and stuck with us about a year after Daddy left. I actually pursued her. My mother ADORED this woman. I called, I sent notes, I took Mama there to visit, I took her blueberries. It still pisses me off. She'll come, when she hears Mama is down. I pray I'm there. I have a quilt my Mama started for her (fully pieced, about half quilted) before she just couldn't DO that sort of thing any more. I'm giving it to her and I hope it brings her to her knees. I hope she feels badly the rest of her life for how she's turned away from Mama the last couple years. I hope she puts that quilt in her closet and it calls out to her in the dark. "You're a baaaaaaad person. You neglected your friend! You were WRONG for that..." You know, not actually "scary" voices, just whispery ones.

I guess you can read 2 definite trends in this post (3 if you're in the Oversharing crowd):

1). I am very (maybe just a little) protective of my family and

2). This is not real to me yet

The not-quite-hospice nurse is coming Tuesday morning and I'm sure she will order hospice nurses quickly. I'm not sure what this organization is, but the doctor is sending them so it's legit. An organization that tells you what to DO when you've chosen to let your loved one stay at home for the duration. Do they continue to oversee after hospice is involved? I don't know. Does anybody know this? joanArc, you got anything? I'd never heard of such a thing before.

I feel your pain with the visitors, I was so torn when my mom was in her last days about respecting her friends right to say goodbye, her need to rest, my need to not have the house become a parade route, and the hospice nurses need to do her job... I remember the nurse was trying to place a catheter (little did we know it was uneccesary as her kidneys had already shut down, it took forever because you can usually tell a catheter is in place because there is urine in the tube, but she didn't have any so they couldn't tell) so I was trying to keep the visitors at bay outside in the driveway and everyone was getting antsy, I didn't know these people, my aunt was there who I was frustrated with, and a cousin who was feuding with my aunt...thankfully my best friend had come as my moral support and she has a 4 year old who loves being the center of attention, so she put on a show and worked the crowd.

My moms best friend had been pretty scarce, my sister and I weren't fans of hers, she called my sister before we even knew our mom was sick, at 3 am that she had taken her to the hospital and how horrible we were for not being there (keep in mind we live in Florida, and our mom was in Texas), we have many many reasons to believe there were altered motives in the friendship but I'm not going into that here, the only other time her best friend had come around was in the hospital and she kept trying to spoon feed my mom, AFTER I specifically told her not to (the palliative care doctor had advised against forcing her to eat, he said as the body shuts down you just don't eat, and your body stops producing saliva etc and so it puts them at a great risk for aspiration). She had finally said she wanted to come by and as much as I didn't like her being around I respected that she was my moms friend, well my mom passed away that morning on the day she had planned to come by, so I called her after I had called the necessary family funeral home and all that, i would have waited to call her, she wouldn't have been one of the first, but I didn't want her to stop by unannounced before I could tell her my mom had already died. Things were kinda chaotic, my sister had started the drive from Florida but wasn't even out of the state yet, the hospice nurses supervisor had stopped by coincidentally right when my mom died, my best friend and the aforementioned 4 year old were there and we were trying to usher her out of the house before she knew anything had happened and before the funeral home came, I was trying to figure out the best way to tell my little brother (who was also there but is autistic)... So I called my moms friend planning to quickly let her know she had passed so she didn't need to come over...her friend was like I'll be right there and hung up before I could say please don't. She comes over making this huge show of wailing, moving my brother out of the way so she could go in the room where my mom was, I hadn't even had a chance to cry yet, I was walking into the room as the nurse was coming out to tell me she was gone, I was shocked for a minute but had to go straight into the logistics, meanwhile this best friend who hadn't come around in the 5 weeks since my mom had been diagnosed was now wandering around through the house crying. Don't even get me started about how she acted at the funeral... She was late (even though we had the viewing before the funeral so she had 2 hours from the listed time), then she insisted on getting on stage and talking (my siblings and I didn't but whatever) about how her birthday was the day before the funeral (btw it was also my little brothers birthday the day before the funeral, we had taken special care to not bring it up... Long story short out grandad (moms dad) had died a few years later and the funeral was on our brothers bday because of logistics, so when our mom died and inevitably we knew the funeral would have to be around his birthday so we made an effort to not link the days even though they inevitably would).

Wow... I'm so sorry; I really just meant to tell hfc I knew how she likely felt... And turned it into a narcissistic rant, I didn't realize I had so much pent up anger on the subject.

[amitville]

I feel your pain with the visitors, I was so torn when my mom was in her last days about respecting her friends right to say goodbye, her need to rest, my need to not have the house become a parade route, and the hospice nurses need to do her job... I remember the nurse was trying to place a catheter (little did we know it was uneccesary as her kidneys had already shut down, it took forever because you can usually tell a catheter is in place because there is urine in the tube, but she didn't have any so they couldn't tell) so I was trying to keep the visitors at bay outside in the driveway and everyone was getting antsy, I didn't know these people, my aunt was there who I was frustrated with, and a cousin who was feuding with my aunt...thankfully my best friend had come as my moral support and she has a 4 year old who loves being the center of attention, so she put on a show and worked the crowd.

My moms best friend had been pretty scarce, my sister and I weren't fans of hers, she called my sister before we even knew our mom was sick, at 3 am that she had taken her to the hospital and how horrible we were for not being there (keep in mind we live in Florida, and our mom was in Texas), we have many many reasons to believe there were altered motives in the friendship but I'm not going into that here, the only other time her best friend had come around was in the hospital and she kept trying to spoon feed my mom, AFTER I specifically told her not to (the palliative care doctor had advised against forcing her to eat, he said as the body shuts down you just don't eat, and your body stops producing saliva etc and so it puts them at a great risk for aspiration). She had finally said she wanted to come by and as much as I didn't like her being around I respected that she was my moms friend, well my mom passed away that morning on the day she had planned to come by, so I called her after I had called the necessary family funeral home and all that, i would have waited to call her, she wouldn't have been one of the first, but I didn't want her to stop by unannounced before I could tell her my mom had already died. Things were kinda chaotic, my sister had started the drive from Florida but wasn't even out of the state yet, the hospice nurses supervisor had stopped by coincidentally right when my mom died, my best friend and the aforementioned 4 year old were there and we were trying to usher her out of the house before she knew anything had happened and before the funeral home came, I was trying to figure out the best way to tell my little brother (who was also there but is autistic)... So I called my moms friend planning to quickly let her know she had passed so she didn't need to come over...her friend was like I'll be right there and hung up before I could say please don't. She comes over making this huge show of wailing, moving my brother out of the way so she could go in the room where my mom was, I hadn't even had a chance to cry yet, I was walking into the room as the nurse was coming out to tell me she was gone, I was shocked for a minute but had to go straight into the logistics, meanwhile this best friend who hadn't come around in the 5 weeks since my mom had been diagnosed was now wandering around through the house crying. Don't even get me started about how she acted at the funeral... She was late (even though we had the viewing before the funeral so she had 2 hours from the listed time), then she insisted on getting on stage and talking (my siblings and I didn't but whatever) about how her birthday was the day before the funeral (btw it was also my little brothers birthday the day before the funeral, we had taken special care to not bring it up... Long story short out grandad (moms dad) had died a few years later and the funeral was on our brothers bday because of logistics, so when our mom died and inevitably we knew the funeral would have to be around his birthday so we made an effort to not link the days even though they inevitably would).

Wow... I'm so sorry; I really just meant to tell hfc I knew how she likely felt... And turned it into a narcissistic rant, I didn't realize I had so much pent up anger on the subject.

((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)  we all have that pent up anger when it touches our hearts.

[Lemur]

I bought a chainsaw today.

 

I have a very small tree on the back of my property that's really a weed and needs to go.  So the obvious answer to me was to buy a small, rechargeable chainsaw on Easy Pay on HSN.

 

I don't know why everyone seems kinda horrified when I tell them. 

[wilsie]

Happy, you already are DOT!  You've gone through this for so long and really gotten to see the best and worst of how people handle illness.  When my mom was dying she wanted to see one of her sisters so badly and even though I explained to this poor excuse for a human, she wasn't coming.  She told one of my other aunts that she was going through something worse which she finally explained that she had cancer of her mouth that she cured with salt water.  No doctor had diagnosed this.  I also had a cousin who didn't come to see her, she lived around the corner, because she wanted to remember her how she was before.  It infuriates me when someone uses that excuse.  If we all felt that way people would die alone.  I think you're doing an amazing job taking care of all of your family!