S05.E01: Week 1: Season Premiere

[Ohwell]

I think Chris got a bad edit on the Bachelorette.  He seems ok, and yeah, he can do better than Tia.

Aaaaanddd.......here comes fucking Colton.

[Ms Blue Jay]

I'm going to transcribe a few sentences directly from Chris's mouth and I am not making up anything about this, I swear to everything and everyone.  TRANSCRIBED.  Exactly.

Chris:  I told myself like going into Paradise, like, I'm going to be open-minded to like any girl, and have fun with someone I normally like, wouldn't give the time of day, and like, and that's something I guess like 
Tia:  Thanks!
Chris:  No I didn't mean it like that, like, just like, in general, like
Tia: What's your type
Chris:  Like......

I swear.  You can rewind and see.  It was so hard to transcribe all of the "likes", but I had to.  Many more where that came from.

He is soooooooo unintelligent.

Edited August 8, 2018 by Ms Blue Jay

[CindyBee]

If they are trying to make Tia and Colton into the next Janner, they have failed miserably!!!

2 minutes ago, Ohwell said:

I think Chris got a bad edit on the Bachelorette.  He seems ok, and yeah, he can do better than Tia.

 

He did sniff out that Lincoln was a complete idiot so he does have that going for him.  And he didn't even know about Lincoln's issues

[Mabinogia]

I would kill for Colton to pick anyone but Tia. But he will pick her. 

Ok, he is earning points with me for making her sweat it out at least. Anyone who makes her feel like shit is good with me. If she wants to talk to him, go fucking talk to him!!!!!

Edited August 8, 2018 by Mabinogia

[leighdear]

I think seventh graders are more mature about relationships. 

As long as Chris doesn't go back to the aggressiveness of Becca's season, he'll do fine.  

[Ms Blue Jay]

Count of Colton's "I'm not gonna lies" so far:  2

[Ohwell]

I could use a vacation right now, and I'd like nothing better than to stay in a nice little hut close to these idiots people so that I could just watch the action and snark while I eat and drink.

[CindyBee]

Tia lit up like a Christmas tree when Colton arrived so of course she was like "Chris Who?"

[DEL901]

I wish Reality Steve had full spoilers for this season.   Makes watching even more enjoyable.   

[Riplet68]

Tia is much prettier without the spider eyes makeup.  Loved them noticing Krystal’s lack of baby voice.    I’d like joe and Kendall I think. Jordan totally knows why he’s there, he’s trying to bring the snark.  Are we sure he’s not gay?  All the girls got the “don’t bump uglies” hug.

[leighdear]

Looks like Tia already has her personal flotation device strapped on.  Girl does NOT have real boobs that size.  Not that Colton would know from experience. 

Awww, Jordan is so supportive of Chris! 

[CindyBee]

Chris' look when Jordan said his great hair products is a plus!

[Ms Blue Jay]

I'm sorry, I DON'T like Tia, and how she gets to monopolize this entire show and tell Becca how to date, even though she could have just been assertive and picked up a phone and called Colton and asked him out.

So here comes the snark.

Colton, even as a virgin, is way out of Tia's league, and she looks twenty years older than him.  ( @leighdear  I agree about the breasts and I'll raise you a nose and her lips and her teeth too)

Jordan is the bomb.com 

Edited August 8, 2018 by Ms Blue Jay

[CindyBee]

Fleiss and company really dropped the ball on this Tia/Colton story line as everyone on social media is hating on them.  But then any buzz is better than nothing.

[leighdear]

*sigh*  Somebody needs to revoke her woman card.  She "caught the feels"?  Does she know how stupid she sounds every time she opens her mouth?

[DEL901]

So with Colton there, it is two guys going home?  

[Ms Blue Jay]

Here comes Chris's temper tantrums based on absolutely nothing again.  LOL

Edited August 8, 2018 by Ms Blue Jay

[leighdear]

Tia does NOT deserve better, you idiots.  She wants the dunce.  Let her have him!

Hopefully we only have to put up with their stupidity for one more episode, and more people in will bring better stories.  

[CindyBee]

Just now, Ms Blue Jay said:

Chris is like an animal you can poke a stick at and it goes crazy.  Put him back in his cage

For me, he can't go back to being nice till he takes down fake Colton!

[leighdear]

Just now, CindyBee said:

For me, he can't go back to being nice till he takes down fake Colton!

I like that.  Use his venom, then cut his head off.  *LOL*

[JenE4]

So anyone familiar with my posts has probably caught on that I type my reactions as I watch. Sometimes I miss something because I’m still typing about the last thing—no big deal though. This is the First Time in Bachelor [franchise] History that I couldn’t take my eyes off the TV to even attempt to type for that first break. From the show intro to the recap packages, that was PURE GOLD! More gold than Jordan’s hot pants and Becca’s engagement ring put together. I laughed so hard that I nearly blacked out and can’t even recall what I was laughing at—just everything and everyone! Vague impressions of Venmo John counting pesos and Jordan eating chicken. In particular, Wills jumping out from behind the trees and dancing made me choke on my water and my life flashed before my eyes. But I would have died happy. 

 

Kevin says that Ashley cheated on him with Jared—juicy!

 

Wells. Wills. Wells! Wills? 

 

Kendall likes picnicking in cemeteries for the ample parking.

 

Everyone is pumped up about how hot everyone else is—except for sad sack Tia mooning over Colton. So of course she gets the date card—and the bippers react like it’s circumstance. Ha! Have they never seen this show before? They’re going to wait until she “moves on” and starts having feelings for someone else and THEN swoop Colton in. But Chris? Tia just has bad guydar all around. All these great guys and she picks the crazy one—unbeknownst to her.

 

Tia didn’t want Joe so he glommed onto Kendall’s mouth before Crystal had a chance to jump in there. But, fear not, she’s kissing Kevin before you know it.

 

 The other “couple” of the night is Nick and Chelsea—and now we know why we barely heard him speak during Becca’s season: cute guy, TERRIBLE personality. He thinks Chelsea’s son’s name is Slippy?!? Maybe he said Skippy—but I’m not so sure. Hard pass from Chelsea.

 

Chris forgot to button his shirt for this dinner date. Nobody needs this much chest hair heaving above their plate. (But good thing they don’t eat.) Chris has made Tia get over Colton, so CUE COLTON!!

 

Oh, no the “Colton Cloud” has lifted over her head, but they are showing storm clouds rolling in and rustling branches. Here we go! 

 

Tia jumped up SO FAST with the biggest smile, but thwarted immediately as Colton talks to the other ladies. Go with Angela! Tia is haggard compared to that hottie, and she comes from a football family. 

 

Oh, Chris just talked about “Goose’s ship” and that was something from the intro—he has an alter ego, Goose, that he talks about in the third person?? This might explain these really strange and sudden personality shifts exhibited this past season.

 

Jordan: “Here’s what you have going for you... You have great hair product.” 

Chris: “Wow. I didn’t think of it like that.”

Nick: “He’s getting sloppy segunduzz.” (????)

What????

 

So, Tia and Colton really played the famewhore long con here.

 

Oh, Goose has gotten his gander’s feathers ruffled!!

[adhoc]

I thought Nick was sort of cute on Bachelorette and was sorry to see him go, but now that I hear the things coming out of his mouth--his seems-to-have-no-game convo with Chelsea (what we saw of it, anyway) and, yeah, the comment about "sloppy segundos", I find him unattractive and a little off putting. 

[jette]

And I liked what little bit of Leo we saw during Becca's season, but the (seemingly-intoxicated-name-calling) Leo shown during the promo? Not so much. Dang it!

[chocolatine]

1 hour ago, Ohwell said:

Also, in the intro didn't she say something about her vagina?  I cringed.

That was Bibiana. And she kept referencing her reproductive organs throughout the episode. And the last scene was about her picking boogers. That woman needs a filter.

I can't believe Venmo John hasn't gotten any action yet, he seems like one of the best guys there. Wills is still very low-key, and it didn't look like he hit it off with any of the women there. I want to like Kenny, but he's *still* talking too much about his daughter, and the girl seems to be a teenager by now. The doting dad act is ridiculous at this point. Jordan's commentary is hilarious, I want him to stay for the entire season just for that. All the other guys, meh.

Neither Tia nor Colton are fun to watch, and the combination of the two is like multiplying two very small numbers - you get an even smaller number.

Edited August 8, 2018 by chocolatine

[Stan39]

Ugh. They're bringing back Ben, Yuki, Arie, and Lauren? Do they hate their viewers?? And there's a storyline where one of the girls is (seriously) caused a witch?? The Tia/Colton thing already seems forced (I feel like everyone else on the beach should just focus on their own relationships and give up on those two). The show used to be fun and ridiculous, but it feels like they're going to manufacture fake drama instead. 

[betha]

Quote

I can't believe Venmo John hasn't gotten any action yet, he seems like one of the best guys there.

he was making out with Annaliese in the shadows, am pretty sure!

[dbell1]

I can't stand Tia and I can't stand Colton. This is not my idea of paradise.

And if anyone is going to be called a witch, it should be Tia with that face. Remove the implants and makeup and bring in a cauldron - Instant hag. Ugh.

I love Jordan. The man doesn't take himself seriously. No clue who some of these people are. Joe is pretty funny too. 

[chocolatine]

17 minutes ago, betha said:

he was making out with Annaliese in the shadows, am pretty sure!

Oh, I didn't realize that was him. I thought Jordan and Annaliese were a thing.

[UGAmp]

Well that episode was more entertaining than Becca’s entire season (and I liked Becca). 

Like everyone else, I’m already over the Tia and Colton garbage. Tia is so confusing. At times, she’s really pretty and at other times, girlfriend looks ROUGH. At least she got rid of the gray streaks framing her face. Let’s all just be grateful we didn’t have to suffer through a season of her as the bachelorette. Could you imagine if Colton had been on her season? It would have been absolutely awful.

I think the producers are putting their eggs in the wrong basket. Clearly Tia is suppose to be the new Raven who was the new Jade. Tia is not going to cut it. I was ambivalent about Kendall on her season but she seems very refreshing here. Sure she’s a little quirky but she seems like a sweet, genuine person. I like her and grocery store Joe together. 

Wills seems to be BFFs with all the ladies but no romantic connections yet. He was always sitting and chatting with someone. Maybe there’s hope for him and Astrid who seemed to be together a lot. 

I don’t remember what the bet was about (I think Colton) but I had to laugh at Jordan’s “I’ll bet you fifty cents” remark. The guys a doofus but entertaining in this medium (for now). 

Bibiana can go. I do not get her appeal. She clearly believe she’s the star of this season but girl, you are mistaken. 

Edited August 8, 2018 by UGAmp

[clubsauce]

Omg—I think I thought Tia and Raven were the same person. I kept thinking that Tia used to have a more “granny apple” doll face. Clearly I’m here for the wrong reasons.

[TheFinalRose]

Alls (tm Garrett) I learned is that Tia crawled her way out of Weiner, Arkansas, and made her way to LIttle Rock but even in that bigger city she can't find love. But she found a boob doctor, that's for sure.

What's with both Becca and Tia picking Chris for early dates? It just causes him to get an over-inflated opinion of himself that gets burst down the road. You can't give him any encouragement.

The manipulative storyline re: Colton and Tia makes me wistful for the glory days of Paradise when we had Claire talking to the racoon and Josh slurping down his pizza. I saw zero tell-tale signs of any creative genius heading our way this season on BIP. Please, editors, prove me wrong. 

Only thing I liked about this episode is that Kendall got some camera time.  She's my favorite. 

[Wandering Snark]

1 hour ago, JenE4 said:

Everyone is pumped up about how hot everyone else is—except for sad sack Tia mooning over Colton. So of course she gets the date card—and the bippers react like it’s circumstance. Ha! Have they never seen this show before? They’re going to wait until she “moves on” and starts having feelings for someone else and THEN swoop Colton in. But Chris? Tia just has bad guydar all around. All these great guys and she picks the crazy one—unbeknownst to her.

This is what I was thinking too, she goes from Colton to Chris being the best pick from who was around? She has a LOT in common with Becca in that arena, making terrible choices.

And the award for most transparently set-up date card ever goes to the Producers. If I were Tia I'd be pissed but then she loves being on camera so no way she was going to 'sacrifice' a date opportunity as it = screen time. She's hideous. I also love this concept that none of these people can contact each for months instead needing to only get together until it's via an officially sanctioned event in Bachelor Nation. Pick up a phone. Hell, message someone even!

1 hour ago, JenE4 said:

Nick: “He’s getting sloppy segunduzz.” (????)

That would be segundos = "sloppy seconds" as in Chris already took her out and now Colton gets his retread (to put it cleanly).

I kinda love Kendall but man she really is one odd bird. For all her talk of dead people, dead/stuffed animals and graveyards she is surprisingly light and bubbly. I doubt she'd be boring to live with/know.

Also, taking over the role of terrible over-sweating (as Blake is not there to fill the role instead) is Colton. Any time you can see those spotty back-sweat marks on someone's shirt? Yeah.

Speaking of sweating I guess "paradise" still doesn't believe in air conditioning...

Edited August 8, 2018 by Wandering Snark

[Jane Hudson]

I want to hang out at the bar with Wills and Wells.  And Kendall can pop in for a visit every now and then.

[RedheadZombie]

5 hours ago, Wandering Snark said:

I'd just like to point out a blatant fallacy in my guide description in which they claim the wannabees will be living in a "dreamy oasis".  Yeah sure. Maybe this year they'll be somewhere air conditioned!

---

Raven keeps it classy as always, saying in the intro portion 'Down in Paradise where I had my first orgasm'. (I rewound it to double check). So I guess it wasn't Nick huh? Ouch.

Nor was it the man for whom she kicked in the door and beat someone with her shoe.

5 hours ago, Ohwell said:

Also, in the intro didn't she say something about her vagina?  I cringed.

I thought it was the Bibi lady who said her "whoha" would pick out her man.

[RedheadZombie]

4 hours ago, CindyBee said:

Isn't Nick a lawyer?   I think he lasted a few episodes and had tragic wardrobe choices

Is he the blond creep who looks like a fish?

4 hours ago, leighdear said:

*sigh*  Somebody needs to revoke her woman card.  She "caught the feels"?  Does she know how stupid she sounds every time she opens her mouth?

I was just grateful that Tia waved at her heart rather than her privates.

[backformore]

Bibiana says her vagina is going to help her pick a man, or something along those lines.  her family must be so proud, watching on TV. 

Imagine the outrage if a guy said he was going to "follow his dick" to decide who to date.  "my penis will choose a girl for me" - everyone would be calling the guy a jerk. 

then she jokes about the bumpy ride to paradise being "the most action my uterus has had."  WTF? she clearly knows the names of her body parts, but does she understand how everything works?  Meeting Jordan, she says she's waiting for her hoo-ha to whisper "this one is a good one!"  

There's something WRONG with that girl.  

Edited August 8, 2018 by backformore

[mertensia]

The one guy had "former chicken" as his chyron! I love the chyron people.

Tia clearly worships at the feet of Ashley I.

[JenE4]

6 hours ago, TheFinalRose said:

What's with both Becca and Tia picking Chris for early dates? It just causes him to get an over-inflated opinion of himself that gets burst down the road. You can't give him any encouragement.

Hmm. Now that you put it that way. I’m thinking it’s very likely Tia wasn’t going to go on the date at all, and some “trusted” producer told her she should ask Chris—that she would really like him—but of course exactly for that reason because Chris is most likely to freak the hell out when Colton shows up. Anyone else would be all “Oh, well” and start chatting up another girl. Not Chris. He had his buddies talking him up FOR HOURS about how Tia is his woman and he’s going to win out over Colton—ensuring a big confrontation and love triangle/stalker situation.

[JudyObscure]

No-neck  Bibiana and 50-shades-of-gray Nick should hook up and say vulgar things to each other somewhere way off camera. 

10 hours ago, Ms Blue Jay said:

and have fun with someone I normally like, wouldn't give the time of day,

Re Chris: Worse than the "likes," is the content, revealing the same woman hating man who gets angry and says, "You owe me a thousand kisses!"  He has the attitude of entitlement from women that I associate with an abuser.

Where are the funny people?  This may be the nightmare in paradise  year where  the crabs swarm in the night and eat them all.

[nlkm9]

10 hours ago, adhoc said:

I thought Nick was sort of cute on Bachelorette and was sorry to see him go, but now that I hear the things coming out of his mouth--his seems-to-have-no-game convo with Chelsea (what we saw of it, anyway) and, yeah, the comment about "sloppy segundos", I find him unattractive and a little off putting. 

UGH hated him on sight when he wore a sweat suit to a rose ceremony. Blech.

[jackjill89]

I had to laugh at all the guys getting their undies in a bundle over Colton and Tia. Honestly, they need to stop the drama. They are like a bunch of 13 year old girls. They are really threatened by Colton. It's hilarious. 

I don't get why the guys are falling all over themselves over Tia. Same for Raven. Is it the accent? Neither are stunningly beautiful, and sometimes they can look downright scary. 

Raven and Bibiana need to stop talking about their orgasms and vaginas. Seriously. 

[RosieRose221]

13 hours ago, leighdear said:

Thanks for the live posting!  More fun to snark in real time.  

Oh no, we're going to have to hear Krystal babble about being "wife material" again?

I hope everybody has gotten their antibiotics, Purell and thoroughly disinfected their TV sets!  *LOL*

David's mom is sweet.  But that's too creepy.

totally creepy! no wonder he is still single! 

[RosieRose221]

6 hours ago, backformore said:

Bibiana says her vagina is going to help her pick a man, or something along those lines.  her family must be so proud, watching on TV. 

Imagine the outrage if a guy said he was going to "follow his dick" to decide who to date.  "my penis will choose a girl for me" - everyone would be calling the guy a jerk. 

then she jokes about the bumpy ride to paradise being "the most action my uterus has had."  WTF? she clearly knows the names of her body parts, but does she understand how everything works?  Meeting Jordan, she says she's waiting for her hoo-ha to whisper "this one is a good one!"  

There's something WRONG with that girl.  

Is she trying to be Corrine part II? I dont remember her acting like that on the Bachelor/Winter Games

[TiredMe]

yep well we barely made it 5 minutes into episode 1 before the word hoohaw was used. It may be funny once but then Bibliana thinks its a thing and continues to sound completely skanky. 

I don't get the Tia obsession either. She was honestly the least attractive girl there. We would all be comatose if we drank every time someone said Colton. 

If it weren't the hilarious Jordan, this show would have been a snore. He entertains me greatly. 

[CindyBee]

So thinking back on last night, I really think Tia at first was going to give away the date card but two things happened.   First her desire for teevee time was too strong.  Then secondly her handler started promoting Chris as a great guy--remember only a couple of episodes of Becca's season had aired when filming started so she wouldn't know about psycho Chris.  As said handler knew with a little prodding, Chris would be the perfect foil for Colton.  The other guys would have just shrugged their shoulders and hit the bar when ole Colton showed up. 

Edited August 8, 2018 by CindyBee

[mertensia]

Why do so many of the women have scraggly hair?

[Rainsong]

[Peeks through fingers] is it over?  Has the World’s Most Boring Female been married off yet?  At least engaged?  Can we get on with the important business of day drinking, swimming pool hookups (not you, Corinne) and sweating like a pitcher of iced tea left out on a hot day?

Yes we can and…no we can’t.  First we need to hear from the ends of the bell curve ie the couples who have married and had children.  Did Chris Harrison just say ‘caliente’ in his lingering Indiana accent?  Ugh.

I have to admit that BIP’s start comes at an awkward time of the year.  Music gigs, travel…it’s tricky when Mondays aren’t spent at home due to mostly bad weather outside.  But here we go.

Keen-eyed longtime viewers of BIP will be able to decipher much of the season from the highlights (no pun intended) package aired as a teaser even if deceptive editing is the name of the game.  Krystal is back – probably on a contract richer than the rest due to her car-crash potential.  Kendall is back.  Jenna is back (and she kept absolutely mum about it on her social media).  We have some blokes I’m unfamiliar with due to the Becca blackout.  Tears, rings and fights.  And those are just the Krystal segments.  Strangely, Jenna isn’t featured in the opening credits but then neither are many of the others in the trailers.  After last year’s damp squib the producers are going for a cast of thousands to improve the odds of couples actually forming.  Unfortunately for them and fortunately (?) for us, that also means a statistically-anomalous population of neurotics thrown into an isolated environment.  The theme song’s coda must be looped several times to get all the names shown before we see CH in his suit lounging barefoot on an inflatable toucan.  If the previous sentence actually made sense to you without additional context, you’re a veteran watcher and in the right place.

In-joke of a crab shot - check.  Wells is back again?  Was he actually tending bar all along and possibly tending some of the female guests the rest of the year?  It might explain his sustained employment.  Or, if it’s only a seasonal job it’s a good one.  Let us hope Kendall didn’t bring the uke as a carry-on item.  They missed a trick by not getting Kendall’s twin to come along although maybe the production team reached the limits of their twin tolerance after multiple castings of Emily & Haley.  Kenny is continuing the BIP tradition of long absences by a single parent and teaching a valuable life lesson to his child:  it’s OK to drop everything and get a little action on a beach somewhere.  Kevin, as a firefighter you should recognize a lucky escape.  You should also know not to enter a burning building – in this case the Krystal Konflagration.  David plays up the mama’s boy angle but fair play to him…his golf swing is absolutely textbook…he’s not spending all those Florida hours at home on the couch.  Anneliese and her list of phobias are next.  Jordan, you’re shopping for trouble and the express lane is open.  We’ll all have to grit our teeth and get through the Bibiana segments – no doubt more sniffling, pouting, head bobs and bug eyes await us.  I’d love to tell you more about Wills but he mumbled at 100 mph so without subtitles it was hopeless.  Good old Tia.  She’s now claiming to be from Little Rock – what happened to her Weiner (Arkansas that is) and representing the hometown?  And what about Tia’s hapless physical therapy patients?  That knee rehab will just have to wait another 3 months, Grandma.

Tia has invented a new hybrid fashion item:  Mom Jeans combined with Daisy Dukes.  The result:  some decidedly un-sexy cutoffs.  Memo to Jordan:  if you’re actually vain then the self-deprecating vanity jokes don’t work.  To be fair, Kendall’s outfits are usually quality.  Grocery Joe is a one percenter (in Bachelor terms):  a seemingly authentic likeable person, wiseguy accent aside.  Bibiana’s sense of entitlement has already jumped from cute to crashing bore.  Ah, apparently bartender Wells is a cast member as well.  He deserves a plotline of his own, possibly involving a lonely lovelorn Bachelorette drowning her sorrows late at night.  Chelsea has maneuvered the ever-changing NAFTA tariff structure and her vocal fry made it through Mexican customs just in time.  Krystal’s mood levelers have yet to wear off so she’s giving a good imitation of stability for now.  Does Chris look like a cut-rate young Ron Perlman?  Kenny, that’s an unfortunate Brady Bunch Collection tank top.  It may not be the best first impression.  Almost forgot about Astrid but she’s well fit despite tucking into food in nearly every camera shot.  Graceful as a swan and that bikini top is worth a freeze frame or three.  Demerit issued for the frequent catty remarks though.  Meow!  The crab jokes have been exhausted for now so the chicken mention is accompanied by a shot of a…rooster.  Also known as a cockerel.  Those clever editors…

The name Colton has been said more often on camera than the name of any person actually appearing on camera.  It was inevitable that conflicted Tia would become even more conflicted by getting a date card and also inevitable that Bibiana would be gritting her teeth with jealousy.  Cue tears and overthinking.  Tia if you want to find someone you’re holding the first step in your hand.  She chooses…Chris?  Out of everyone?  Hang on, let’s talk about this Colton thing some more.

Krystal’s act barely survives the sunset and she reverts back to The Possessive Princess complete with crazy eyes, mirthless laugh and hair flips.  Kendall asks ‘Did you see that thunder?’  She may be the designated kooky twin but surely she grasps that lightning is the video part and thunder is the audio?  Meteorological confusion aside, her body language is screaming louder than the storm at Joe who, to his credit, wastes no time in indicating full comprehension.

Oooh, Kyle.  If you’re about to have a close romantic encounter with the woman of your dreams then a) guacamole or any kind of food, really, is surplus to requirements and b) onions will do neither of you any favors.  Nick is a four-letter word and so are most of the ones coming out of his mouth.  Charming.  If he thinks Chelsea has her head screwed on then he’s…four-letter worded.  Chelsea applies the stiff arm anyway and flees.  Is that Anneliese and her expanse of forehead having a snog with her man in a dark corner?  Random trivia:  REM had a track titled/subtitled ‘Time After Time (Annelise) [sic]’ on their second album ‘Reckoning.’  It was a slow and ponderous song.  Insert joke here.

Tia is busy – again – conflating being ‘true to herself’ with ‘serially hopelessly codependent.’  Will we eventually see a Bachelor franchise tie-in cookbook possibly entitled ‘Good Looking Prop Food That Is Never Eaten?’  Astrid & Wills appear to be the designated commentary team for everyone else’s mating dances.  The burning question:  will Angela be applying the full complement of war paint every day in every scenario, including the swimming pool?  Another burning question:  can this show get Gillette as a sponsor, introduce a mandatory shaving rule and get rid of the passe´ beard stubble?

Colton’s return was as nailed-on as the Ashley/Jared arrivals in previous seasons.  He’s anxious and nervous, just as the rest of us would be if lightning were flashing while we stood near heaps of electronic equipment and cabling.  I’m struggling mightily to recall Angela but she explains her time in the mansion was fleeting.  At least she has a proper pair of cutoffs.  But Tia gets a second date in a 12 hour window – in dazzling cutoffs this time!  Did she borrow them from a rival?  Hmmm this looks suspiciously like a makeup session.  A makeout session follows.  Never in doubt.

The Showdown comes next episode and it won’t require waiting a week.  But hang on – according to the media player there are 4 min 30 sec remaining!  We’re getting a second, rather extended trailer/spoiler!  Jenna and…Jordan?  You’re smarter than that, Jenna, literally and figuratively.  Tia you’re smar…never mind.

Edited August 9, 2018 by Rainsong
Can't spell Anneliese correctly :(

[CindyBee]

12 minutes ago, mertensia said:

Why do so many of the women have scraggly hair?

No air conditioning at this "luxury" resort.   I know my hair would be a mess too in all that humidity!!

[JudyObscure]

27 minutes ago, TiredMe said:

We would all be comatose if we drank every time someone said Colton. 

My ears bleed a little every time one of them hits that central "t" too hard. It's not just, "Colton, Colton, Colton," we have to endure, it's,  "Col-TON, Col-TON, Col-TON."

[CindyBee]

11 hours ago, jette said:

And I liked what little bit of Leo we saw during Becca's season, but the (seemingly-intoxicated-name-calling) Leo shown during the promo? Not so much. Dang it!

Unfortunately Leo has joined the ranks of "better have quit while you were ahead" and not gone to Paradise as (1) attacking a fan favorite like Joe is never good and (2) he's stayed on the radar of folks and now is embroiled in a sexual harassment claim at work:

 

http://www.tmz.com/2018/08/08/bachelorette-leo-dottavio-sexual-harassment-universal-studios-investigating/