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S05.E12: Jax's Roast


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Sandoval decides to celebrate his birthday with a "Fund-Rager" to raise money for a good cause, but things go south when Scheana accuses James of cheating in front of his girlfriend. Meanwhile, Kristen hosts a roast for Jax, but Jax isn't too thrilled when Brittany's mom reacts to a rumor from his past. Later, Scheana reveals that her marriage isn't perfect, Lisa chastises Katie and Schwartz for constantly fighting, and Katie decides to get a medical marijuana card in an attempt to mellow out.

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Wow. Both Schwartz and Katie were annoying during the fight at the paint store. I kind of agree that Tom doesn't really take accountability for his mistakes either. It's more of the "I'm sorry you feel this way". 

I don't care about James being a liar. I mostly just wonder why these girls even chose to engage in anything with James. Even sober he's gross. 

I don't know how I feel about Schena vs The Coven. Yes, the Coven is gross and probably didn't state the amount of money they'd all be spending but the fact that's schena was ready to keep talking about the issue when Katie walked up and was all upset they didn't want to.. eh. No. Stassis right. You don't make the bride feel bad. It's hard to feel bad for Schena when she does things like this. 

Also how excited was Lisa that Ariana doesn't like Stassi? Lisa is really bugging me this season. The only time her snark was right on was when she was talking to Lala. Aside from that her presence on this show is annoying. 

James is the worst person ever. I just want to punch him in the face constantly. Ugh. 

Peter talked like the most in this episode than he has this whole season. 

I'm not sure what to think of toms birthday fundraiser. 

Oh please. Katie had a drinking problem? All of these cast members do. Why must this show try to act like serious storylines are a thing this show can do. 

Poor Brittany's mom. But also Brittany this has been a storyline on the show-your mom was always going to find out about what happened with you, Kristen, and Jax.  At least if she owns a tv. 

The roast was eh. I will say it's getting really hard to see Shay on this show. nothing anyone said was really all that funny of stuff we didn't already know.

  • Love 7
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Was that a Katie tea towel at Sur? 

So, Jax only gets offended when he's accused of being a homosexual. Until Britt's mom accuses him of being a homosexual. Then he's offended by her homophobia. Got it. And FI Tom believes Kristen and Stassi are afraid to yell at people. OK.

Next week: Stassi explains how hurtful it is to treat someone abrasively. It can't be good for my vision to roll my eyes this much.

  • Love 19
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I'm on board with BatTom and birthday donuts.

Also laughing at Scheana being so upset that this year was all about Katie's wedding. Um, I recall a season filled with YOUR wedding,  lady.

3 hours ago, chick binewski said:

Was that a Katie tea towel at Sur? 

Came here to say that!! At about the halfway mark it looked like Scheana was folding one of Katie's invita-towels. 

ETA Scheana "literally" lost her voice when she became friends with Stassi et al. So why am I still hearing her vocal fry and how does she have the vocal cords to complain--even to Katie--about the expense of the shower?

Edited by ivygirl
  • Love 18
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How many episodes are we going to hear about Katie paint shopping?  It's not that fucking hard to find some dusky pink paint colors and buy samples.  

I've thrown a lot of bridal and baby showers and I've spent a lot of money.  I don't think the honorees have ever known the party totals.  Hell, I don't think I know any of the party totals.  I'm not sure which side I was on until Scheena actually went to Katie about it.  You don't do that.

Also, whoever mentioned months ago about how Schwartz is just as bad as Katie but likes to paint himself as the cool nice guy was spot on.

Edited by yourmomiseasy
  • Love 14
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I thought I'd enjoy seeing Jax "roasted".  Didn't laugh once.  Maybe cuz Jax's life is pitiful.  Not much there to laugh at.

So Brittany's mom's homophobia is OK cuz she's from Kentucky?  Uh, that's according to Jax.  Is Brittany homophobic too?  And she's never heard about Jax's gay past & his explanation (lies) on it?  Please.

Idk, I'm more & more suspicious of Brittany's motives.  Free room & board, moving to LA, being on a national TV show & getting away from that awful church fart mother.  Reasons enough to stick around -- even a repulsive smelly loser like Jax?

  • Love 7
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I fell asleep at some point while watching last night. I'm not sure if that's b/c of my workout earlier or the ep was dull. In the first scene with Schemer and successful businesswoman Lisa Vanderbucks, did I see extensive wood rot on the wall behind Lisa? I had to laugh about Arianna not being prepared for the Jax roast. She takes comedy seriously, you know. So does FI Tom WRT his beauty regimen. That was a nice gesture on his part, but I am suspicious of that charity he donated to at the party.

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Um his fundraiser was for KIDS IN HATI!!! Sarcasm, because in right there with you. It was just a very general kids in Haiti fundraiser. Or something. My favorite part was when Ariana made a statement about how she doesn't like Stassi but if Stassi doesn't come to a charity event then Stassi is a horrible person. The hell? I mean I know she was always going to go but considering it's Ariana and Tom throwing said charity event, I can see how maybe Stassi would have passed. Also then Ariana has the nerve to tell Lisa Stassi thinks she is the expert on life. While true at times... pot meet kettle. Really.

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4 hours ago, ScoobieDoobs said:

I thought I'd enjoy seeing Jax "roasted".  Didn't laugh once.  Maybe cuz Jax's life is pitiful.  Not much there to laugh at.

So Brittany's mom's homophobia is OK cuz she's from Kentucky?  Uh, that's according to Jax.  Is Brittany homophobic too?  And she's never heard about Jax's gay past & his explanation (lies) on it?  Please.

Idk, I'm more & more suspicious of Brittany's motives.  Free room & board, moving to LA, being on a national TV show & getting away from that awful church fart mother.  Reasons enough to stick around -- even a repulsive smelly loser like Jax?

 

You forgot her free boob job.

Brittany: My card wasn't declined....now you go make me a sandwich.  His card was probably declined because he just made his monthly payment on YOUR boob job.  Or maybe he spent the money on your $200 coffee machine which you can't even bother to buy coffee for which baffles me because your Mom is staying with you as your guest and you didn't buy any coffee or food for the house?! WTF!  

OMG, I'm sticking up for Jax.  Someone shoot me now please.

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I was definitely on Team Scheana originally when the cost of renting the house was going to be split between just the three girls and not all the bridesmaids.  Especially if they really didn't discuss it with Scheana first.  But once she complained to Katie about it??  NOPE.  You do NOT do that.  Scheana was 100% in the wrong to talk to her about this issue.

  • Love 17
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Sandoval shaved his forehead again!!! My life is now complete. 

But then he ruined it by having a "braid guy". 

I did think it was cool of him to do a charity thing for his birthday. 

Katie and Schwartz should NOT be getting married. Their relationship is something out of a bad soap opera. Tom: "You're a bitch!" Katie storms off into her SUV: "You can take an Uber for all I care!" Tom clings to the lamp post and wistfully watches her drive off into the smogset.  End scene. 

I'm so torn with Scheana. I agree with her that the Coven are totally hive minded. They only talk about Katie's dumb ass wedding, and there's no room for dissension amongst the ranks. But bringing up her money issues WITH Katie was just the height of tackiness. I think I actually yelled at the TV - "Noooo, Scheana!!! Stop!!!!" She's just giving them ammo at this point. 

Aaaaaand we get the first nuggets of the cracks in the Shay marriage. Sad. 

Stay out of the pot shops, guys. A stoned cast of VPR would be insanely boring. 

Is Brittany's mom going home any time soon? I really cannot stand looking at her. She scares me. I don't even think she got half of the jokes at that roast anyhow. 

I thought the roast was pretty lame. The jokes were okay, but.....meh. Arianna isn't as funny as she thinks she is. I liked Schwartz calling out Jax's sugar daddy and Shay calling out his fatness the best. 

Best moment of the episode - when Brittany had to pay for dinner and declared that Jax should make HER a sandwich. Booyah!

  • Love 14
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Birthdays. Birthdays. Birthdays. Enough already! Tom S is 35? Did I hear that correctly? Wow, time to grow up, guys. 

Scheana can just STFU. Whining with that fake cry to Ariana about the coven. Listen,honey, it was just last season when you totally ditched Ari to go be with the bitches and now that they are not everything you hoped they would be, and you are no longer the center of attention, you go crying back for your friendship. They don't want to hear about your bullshit with Shay? So you go running back to Ari for that shoulder to cry on because nobody else has time for you, includiing your husband. I wish Ari would have told her she didn't give a fuck about her anymore just like she told Stassi. 

Brittney's mom is an idiot. Apple doesn't fall far. 

  • Love 4
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I was definitely on Team Scheana originally when the cost of renting the house was going to be split between just the three girls and not all the bridesmaids. Especially if they really didn't discuss it with Scheana first. But once she complained to Katie about it?? NOPE. You do NOT do that. Scheana was 100% in the wrong to talk to her about this issue.
Apologizes in advance. The ad-blocker software, I think, is totally screwing up this site on this computer. What was the deal with the cost of the party? I think I was nodding off or zoning out, but it sounded like they didn't tell Shemer how much it would cost in advance and she had to pay $500 for her share b/c it was split amongst only 3 people instead of 8.
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Brittany's mom looks like she wants to move to LA, what with the incredibly overdone fake tan she's got going on. And her lips freak me out. Is she wearing a light-colored lipstick to make them glow like that? It looks awful. Her homophobia is incredibly off-putting, as is her notion that if she doesn't like what she hears she might just pack up Brittany and take her back home to Kentucky. Last I checked, Brittany is an adult woman and can decide for herself if she's going to stay with Jax (though I'd certainly recommend that she run for the hills).

Does Brittany actually have a job at Sur or does she just show up once in a while to fold napkins for the cameras? Surely she makes some money from being on this show and can contribute to the household finances and tell Jax to shut the fuck up when he claims that he's supporting her.

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Oy these people who think they are comedians, but aren't even a little bit funny, are the WORST.  Looking at you Kristin and Arianna.  I think Tom Sandovahl probably did the best because he has the most natural stage presence out of these CFs.  But still,  overall, I would grade that roast a big fat Fail.   

Totally agree with the majority about the shower cost saga. While I generally side with Scheanna vs. the Coven -- it was rude and beyond tacky to complain about the cost of the shower to Katie.  You just do not do that. 

 

4 hours ago, Petunia13 said:

I've had enough of Britanny's mom. 

I agree. Magda has overstayed her welcome.  Time to head back to the farm.  Or the white lipstick store.  Just anywhere off the screen, really. 

Edited by Duke2801
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How many times did James have to say "my residence"?  

His girlfriend is absolutely vacant and devoid of any brain matter.  Yikes.  Normally, you'd hope she could get by on her looks but even those aren't that great.  I almost feel bad for her.

Edited by Kiki620
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I agree that it was tacky for Scheana to talk about the bridal shower cost with Katie. I do not mind her having issues with Stassi and Kristin since it sounded like she was not aware of how the cost was going to be split. Then again, in Vanderpump Rules world I do not care if she goes to Katie and makes Katie even more stressed out. I am so sick of Katie and her coven. I might be misremembering, but wasn't there a rumor that one of the reasons that Scheana and Shay broke up was that he stole/took some of her money?

I think Schwartz can be passive aggressive and mean as well, but I think he is more than willing to have a conversation about their issues, where as Katie just gets defensive so quickly. Then she points out or says shitty things about Schwartz. He responds to her and it all goes to hell. These two should really not get married. I never really thought Scheana and Shay were going to last, but at least they were not arguing all the time. Then again, Shay never really says much. Also, I would think when multiple people point out that Katie is mean when she drinks, one would think that she might try to not drink as much and be more aware that she is a bitch when drinking. Though now that she has Stassi and Kristin back as friends she is kind of a bitch when not drinking as well.

I barely could keep track of all the mean texts that were sent to and from some of the idiots.

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Wasn't Brittany's Mom a big fan of this show? How did she not know about all of the stories (true and apocryphal) surrounding Jax? 

And I know this is all scripted/planned out, but... if I were a parent and my adult daughter was going to her crazy friends' birthday parties, I would probably say "Go ahead, I'll stay in and read" (or whatever)... even if I was only there for a visit.

So, I'm not buying her church lady stuff... I think she wants to be in the mix with these people but for some reason wants to portray herself as the Protective Kentucky Mama Bear. Yeah I admit that a week or two ago I thought she was funny, but now I just feel like something is rotten in WeHo.

It would be a mitzvah if someone could just take Sherri aside and have a word with her about that frosted lipstick. The word should be "no".

  • Love 23
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34 minutes ago, pbutler111 said:

It would be a mitzvah if someone could just take Sherri aside and have a word with her about that frosted lipstick. The word should be "no".

That lipstick. It's hideous. If you ever want to make your teeth look super yellow, then that's your color.  Brittany has such beautiful hair, what the hell happened to mom's? 

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Seriously, Sandoval, what the fuck do you think you're accomplishing with the forehead shaving?  Do you have hair on your forehead -- that no other humans on the planet have?  Do you think you're exfoliating & maybe helping to alleviate or prevent forehead wrinkles?  Good luck with that.

I'm not even getting on your case for doing it.  Just dying to know why you do it.  Uh, waving hello to you, Tom Sandoval, as you're reading this.  Maybe you'll answer why you shave your forehead next time you're on with Satan Andy?

So Jax is now flush with Bravo dough -- and he's still getting his cards declined?  Loser.

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9 hours ago, yourmomiseasy said:

Also, whoever mentioned months ago about how Schwartz is just as bad as Katie but likes to paint himself as the cool nice guy was spot on.

I agree with this 100%. What I see happening over and over is a (sometimes drunk) woman asking her man to give her just a little drop of support. I'm not saying that she's not irritating, not at all. But, if you love someone, occasionally you have to slap a smile on your face and say, yes, honey, I'm with you 100%. She goes along with the crappy things that he does, like Ariana for a groomsman, but he's got his little bag of support clutched tightly, and he's not doling out a single penny's worth.

As for their oft aired lack of sex issue, Schwartz' priority is being right, not having sex.

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5 minutes ago, Swim mom said:

I agree with this 100%. What I see happening over and over is a (sometimes drunk) woman asking her man to give her just a little drop of support. I'm not saying that she's not irritating, not at all. But, if you love someone, occasionally you have to slap a smile on your face and say, yes, honey, I'm with you 100%. She goes along with the crappy things that he does, like Ariana for a groomsman, but he's got his little bag of support clutched tightly, and he's not doling out a single penny's worth.

As for their oft aired lack of sex issue, Schwartz' priority is being right, not having sex.

Same. Not only does he not take her side ever but he also doesn't stand up for her and allows people to say awful things to her.

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I think Brittany's mom was specifically invited to be filmed for the contrast and spice she adds to the homogenous cast.  I doubt vpr would have allowed her to skip the roast.

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16 minutes ago, Swim mom said:

I think Brittany's mom was specifically invited to be filmed for the contrast and spice she adds to the homogenous cast.  I doubt vpr would have allowed her to skip the roast.

I get that but it just makes Brittany's Mom seem even shadier/there for the cameras. 

  • Love 3
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2 hours ago, Swim mom said:

I think Brittany's mom was specifically invited to be filmed for the contrast and spice she adds to the homogenous cast.  I doubt vpr would have allowed her to skip the roast.

Or to pass judgement on the homosexual cast?

Uh, by the by, did frosty-lipped teased hair church momma previously hear about how Jax spread a story of her very own dear innocent child having homosexual sex?  Hmmmm.

Edited by ScoobieDoobs
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Oh Scheana honey…noooooooo.  You never go to the bride like that.  I get her being upset, but talking to Katie about it was not cool.

Also not cool?  That Ariana and FI Tom apparently have braid people to do basic braids even my arthritic grandmother could do in her sleep.

The roast could have been better, I guess no one takes comedy as seriously as they claim *coughArianacough*.  

Shay looked good and had the line of the night with his "not the fattest anymore".  Too bad he & Scheana weren't able to make it work.

The less said about Brittany's mom the better.

  • Love 10
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4 hours ago, Ubiquitous said:
I was definitely on Team Scheana originally when the cost of renting the house was going to be split between just the three girls and not all the bridesmaids. Especially if they really didn't discuss it with Scheana first. But once she complained to Katie about it?? NOPE. You do NOT do that. Scheana was 100% in the wrong to talk to her about this issue.

Apologizes in advance. The ad-blocker software, I think, is totally screwing up this site on this computer. What was the deal with the cost of the party? I think I was nodding off or zoning out, but it sounded like they didn't tell Shemer how much it would cost in advance and she had to pay $500 for her share b/c it was split amongst only 3 people instead of 8.

That's my understanding of what happened.  There are 8 bridesmaids, but Kristen and Stassi decided to rent this house for the bridal shower (and maybe they discussed renting the house with Scheana too), and decided the split the cost between the three of them (Kristen, Stassi, Scheana).  My guess is that Scheana knew about renting the house, but thought the cost was being split 8-ways.  And Kristen and Stassi were probably thinking since the three of them (Kristen, Stassi, Scheana) made the decision to rent the house, just the three of them would pay for it.  So after the shower, they tell Scheana she owes them $500 and she flips her lid because she's thinking she was only going to be paying <$200.

  • Love 3
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3 hours ago, ivygirl said:

Wasn't Brittany's Mom a big fan of this show? How did she not know about all of the stories (true and apocryphal) surrounding Jax? 

And I know this is all scripted/planned out, but... if I were a parent and my adult daughter was going to her crazy friends' birthday parties, I would probably say "Go ahead, I'll stay in and read" (or whatever)... even if I was only there for a visit.

So, I'm not buying her church lady stuff... I think she wants to be in the mix with these people but for some reason wants to portray herself as the Protective Kentucky Mama Bear. Yeah I admit that a week or two ago I thought she was funny, but now I just feel like something is rotten in WeHo.

She was, which is why her pearl clutching is ridiculous bullshit. The show has never hidden that Jax is a complete dirt bag. They've showed him treating every woman he dated disrespectfully. Jax and men has been discussed when they went to Miami and at reunions. There is no way that you could call yourself a fan of this show and want anyone you've ever liked/loved to be in a romantic relationship with Jax.

Pot is not going to help Katie. Pot and alcohol are depressants and Katie still gets turnt up on alcohol. Her problem is that she has anger issues not alcohol issues. The alcohol just lowers her inhibitions to be more of an asshole. Yes, Schwartz revels in being the good guy in contrast to Katie. But I think he understands that they fundamentally have a communication issue. She doesn't feel supported and validated so she lashes out and turns nasty. In return, he clams up and becomes passive aggresive and withholding. These two have no business being together.

  • Love 21
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How does Ariana not cut Scheana off with, "Yes, these girls don't give a fuck about you.  How many times do they have to show you that?  Either deal with it as the reality or walk away from them, but I'm not having this discussion with you anymore"?

  • Love 6
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When did they reveal Brittany's Mom is a fan of this show? I've been watching off and on this season so I may have missed it. Or it's because I tend to zone out when ever Brittany is on b/c I cannot figure out what she sees in that Jaxhole.

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Brittany has said that she didn't watch VPR, but her mom did watch it. It was either on WWHL or maybe on the VPR Aftershow with Brandi and Julie (what happened to that show?).  I don't think they've ever mentioned it on VPR.

  • Love 1
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Flat Iron shaving his forehead is the highlight of my Monday evening.

Do these chucklefucks actually expect us to believe they don't know how to spell "toke?"  Please.  

Tequila Katie and Schwartz had no business getting married if this is truly how they act.  If it's not for the cameras, I'd be surprised if they last 2 years.

Why are Tequila Katie and Schwartz even going to the paint store?  I'm sure Lisa could have someone come to Casa LVP with a bajillion "dirty pink" samples.

Scheana griping to Tequila Katie about the cost of her bridal shower was TACKY.  If you have an issue, take it up with StASSi and Kristen but don't bitch to Tequila Katie.  

James' girlfriend is an idiot. 

The Nugget was nasty to Kristen.  Kristen's dagger stare was almost as awesome as Flat Iron shaving his forehead. 

The roast on Jax was pretty gross.  Of course he loves a pic of himself all dirty, nasty and hung over.  The man poops with the door open.  Brittany needs to run.

  • Love 7
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4 hours ago, ScoobieDoobs said:

Seriously, Sandoval, what the fuck do you think you're accomplishing with the forehead shaving?  Do you have hair on your forehead -- that no other humans on the planet have?  Do you think you're exfoliating & maybe helping to alleviate or prevent forehead wrinkles?  Good luck with that.

 

FI Tom explained he shaves his forehead to exfoliate in the first season reunion, I think.

  • Love 1
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3 hours ago, Adira said:

That's my understanding of what happened.  There are 8 bridesmaids, but Kristen and Stassi decided to rent this house for the bridal shower (and maybe they discussed renting the house with Scheana too), and decided the split the cost between the three of them (Kristen, Stassi, Scheana).  My guess is that Scheana knew about renting the house, but thought the cost was being split 8-ways.  And Kristen and Stassi were probably thinking since the three of them (Kristen, Stassi, Scheana) made the decision to rent the house, just the three of them would pay for it.  So after the shower, they tell Scheana she owes them $500 and she flips her lid because she's thinking she was only going to be paying <$200.

Agreed, but what confuses me is Katie only has 7 bridesmaids, so I can't figure out who the 8th is.  Did Scheena think Katie was chipping in too or maybe Arianna?  Either way that $300 was going to cut into Scheena's fake eyelashes budget and she was not having it.

 

1 hour ago, tvfanatic13 said:

So is that the end of Lala? If so, she went out in a whimper. I expected more, especially since she has stated in interviews that people would see the real her in her exit. We have seen...nothing, since she just disappeared.

I'd say that maybe nothing is the real Lala.

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14 hours ago, ScoobieDoobs said:

Idk, I'm more & more suspicious of Brittany's motives.  Free room & board, moving to LA, being on a national TV show & getting away from that awful church fart mother.  Reasons enough to stick around -- even a repulsive smelly loser like Jax?

Word on her motives. There is definitely something a little shady about her. She may be uneducated as fuck but the girl ain't as stupid as we think.

Am I gross to think that the artwork of Jax all hungover as all get up was gross as hell but also kind of awesome?

Is Tom Schwartz really unsupportive? I feel like he's very supportive but draws the line at condoning Drunk Katie's terrible antics and covenly behavior.

James is delusional with the residency crap. He really does have a rich fantasy life.

  • Love 7
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Reading everyone's posts reminded me to ask exactly what was up with Schaena this episode? I don't dislike her like the others because she's never outwardly hostile and her stories rarely change (whereas the rest of the cast spills whatever fiction that suits the moment) but last night was like she received an order from production to Be Interesting and it didn't really work. I could give her a pass on bringing up Katie's shower costs ONLY b/c Kristen & Stassi are insane and mean and are probably going behind Schaena's back to Katie. But pointing out James is a POS then fake-crying to Ariana about Shay was odd. Obvi things aren't "really good" at this point in filming, so is she just making noise and bad decisions b/c if she doesn't have a marriage she wants to make sure she still has a job on TV?

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