Pet Peeves: Aka Things That Make You Go "Gah!"

[isalicat]

Once upon a time I lived in a teeny tiny cabin on the flanks of a dormant volcano just outside a lovely tiny town that had one of everything (one elementary, one middle school, etc. and one of pretty much every adherent to every religion/creed/political stance) including SAHMs, working moms, homeschooling moms, entirely neglectful moms (the one next door to me had babies but could not be bothered to do anything for them, so oldest sister raised them as best she could until they were all taken away, thank goodness). Anyways the point here was that my husband was the only stay at home dad in town - I worked full time and when my son was born, my husband shopped, cleaned, did all the laundry, carried the baby around, changed his diaper - you name it - everything except nursing (during the day I worked from separate cabin on our property so he would bring our son over when he was hungry - I would nurse him and then hand him back over). Once the kid was ready, my husband took him to play group and then was the drop off parent for all school and other activities until he was old enough to get around on his own. You cannot imagine the level of eye rolling and other passive/aggressive behavior this earned me! Pretty much every female in town that had spawned thought I was reprehensible and my husband was crazy to "put up" with this lifestyle. My husband and I found this all judging somewhat amusing but unfortunately it did mean that we were never really included in what passed for the local social scene and that was a bit hard on our son, who left the area for the big city as soon as feasible (college!). I guess my pet peeve is that "it takes a village" means to me "it takes a village to enforce conformity to what is the accepted norm, whether it works for you or not".

[Stats Queen]

1 hour ago, isalicat said:

). I guess my pet peeve is that "it takes a village" means to me "it takes a village to enforce conformity to what is the accepted norm, whether it works for you or not".

It also takes a village to raise an idiot.

[Calvada]

One of my brother in laws worked second shift, so he was the parent who helped out a couple mornings a week at the elementary school, did the preschool dropoff and pickup, etc., since my sister worked an 8 to 5 schedule.  This was in late 80s and into the 90s.  He always found it amusing that some of the mothers also dropping kids off or volunteering viewed him with some suspicion.  A father who chooses to spend time with his children?  What's wrong with him?  

[Hangin Out]

My pet peeve.  After our car accident that totaled our Rav 4 Toyota, we bought a new Chevy Equinox.  It doesn’t have a tape deck anymore.  I enjoyed playing all my tapes in the car.  Now, they don’t make tape decks in cars anymore.  What do I do with all my CD’s now?  Another thing in American cars.  It turns off when u stop, then starts up again when you go.  Annoying.  We are looking for a Toyota tomorrow again.  I hate to buy foreign, but the features are better we found.

[Hangin Out]

3 hours ago, isalicat said:

Once upon a time I lived in a teeny tiny cabin on the flanks of a dormant volcano just outside a lovely tiny town that had one of everything (one elementary, one middle school, etc. and one of pretty much every adherent to every religion/creed/political stance) including SAHMs, working moms, homeschooling moms, entirely neglectful moms (the one next door to me had babies but could not be bothered to do anything for them, so oldest sister raised them as best she could until they were all taken away, thank goodness). Anyways the point here was that my husband was the only stay at home dad in town - I worked full time and when my son was born, my husband shopped, cleaned, did all the laundry, carried the baby around, changed his diaper - you name it - everything except nursing (during the day I worked from separate cabin on our property so he would bring our son over when he was hungry - I would nurse him and then hand him back over). Once the kid was ready, my husband took him to play group and then was the drop off parent for all school and other activities until he was old enough to get around on his own. You cannot imagine the level of eye rolling and other passive/aggressive behavior this earned me! Pretty much every female in town that had spawned thought I was reprehensible and my husband was crazy to "put up" with this lifestyle. My husband and I found this all judging somewhat amusing but unfortunately it did mean that we were never really included in what passed for the local social scene and that was a bit hard on our son, who left the area for the big city as soon as feasible (college!). I guess my pet peeve is that "it takes a village" means to me "it takes a village to enforce conformity to what is the accepted norm, whether it works for you or not".

In my opinion, it’s easier to go to a job then stay home and take care of kids.  You have a wonderful husband.  I give him credit.  Nowadays, I notice that men have a lot to do with raising kids.  In my day, they didnt.  My husband gave the occasional bottle or rocked them to sleep, but now my two son in laws, and son do everything.  I worked in the school.  More Fathers picked the kids up than Mothers.

[annzeepark914]

3 hours ago, Silver Bells said:

My pet peeve.  After our car accident that totaled our Rav 4 Toyota, we bought a new Chevy Equinox.  It doesn’t have a tape deck anymore.  I enjoyed playing all my tapes in the car.  Now, they don’t make tape decks in cars anymore.  What do I do with all my CD’s now?  Another thing in American cars.  It turns off when u stop, then starts up again when you go.  Annoying.  We are looking for a Toyota tomorrow again.  I hate to buy foreign, but the features are better we found.

I guess I'll be treasuring my 2014 Camry for as long as I can. My husband bought a Mercedes a year ago & I've only driven it once. It drives very well but I hate that the engine cuts off when you stop at a red light or a stop sign. The gear shift is on the steering wheel column (it looks like a  windshield wiper lever!). No CD player. He loves the car. I figured it was just the Germans making cars this crazy way but new American cars are like this too? Sheesh.

[RealHousewife]

10 hours ago, WinnieWinkle said:

What I've been getting peeved at for years - and it's way worse now in the pandemic times - are the Moms (and yes IME it's always Moms) who stay home and also homeschool.  The gloating when schools went virtual and suddenly parents HAD to essentially homechool was really hard to take!  Stay home, don't stay home if you're lucky enough to be in a position to choose then appreciate that don't make it a superiority contest!  The SAHM homeschooling Mom I know that really pushes my buttons is the one who constantly complains about how hard up they are because she chose to stay home but manages to always twist that into  a humblebrag about how no matter how much she has to suffer it's all for the kids. As opposed to every other parent on the planet who makes choices despite the kids I guess.  Ugh.  

Yes, it's very condescending. There are some terrible parents out there, but I think most love their kids and do their best. The whole "I'm better than you" is what annoys me about the moms I vented about. 

7 hours ago, isalicat said:

Once upon a time I lived in a teeny tiny cabin on the flanks of a dormant volcano just outside a lovely tiny town that had one of everything (one elementary, one middle school, etc. and one of pretty much every adherent to every religion/creed/political stance) including SAHMs, working moms, homeschooling moms, entirely neglectful moms (the one next door to me had babies but could not be bothered to do anything for them, so oldest sister raised them as best she could until they were all taken away, thank goodness). Anyways the point here was that my husband was the only stay at home dad in town - I worked full time and when my son was born, my husband shopped, cleaned, did all the laundry, carried the baby around, changed his diaper - you name it - everything except nursing (during the day I worked from separate cabin on our property so he would bring our son over when he was hungry - I would nurse him and then hand him back over). Once the kid was ready, my husband took him to play group and then was the drop off parent for all school and other activities until he was old enough to get around on his own. You cannot imagine the level of eye rolling and other passive/aggressive behavior this earned me! Pretty much every female in town that had spawned thought I was reprehensible and my husband was crazy to "put up" with this lifestyle. My husband and I found this all judging somewhat amusing but unfortunately it did mean that we were never really included in what passed for the local social scene and that was a bit hard on our son, who left the area for the big city as soon as feasible (college!). I guess my pet peeve is that "it takes a village" means to me "it takes a village to enforce conformity to what is the accepted norm, whether it works for you or not".

Wow, I'm so sorry you dealt with all that judgement and rudeness! As long as children are taken care of, I will never understand why some people care so much about another family's ways. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. I know of a couple where the wife makes great money, and the husband is a SAHD. Some people mock their situation, but it works for them. Their bills are paid. The children are loved. Everything's taken care of. There's literally nothing to complain about. Honestly, men are a lot more nurturing than they're given credit for too. Even though there are folks who judge both SAHM moms and working moms, the stigma against SAHDs is sadly worse. 

[Callietwo]

9 hours ago, Silver Bells said:

My pet peeve.  After our car accident that totaled our Rav 4 Toyota, we bought a new Chevy Equinox.  It doesn’t have a tape deck anymore.  I enjoyed playing all my tapes in the car.  Now, they don’t make tape decks in cars anymore.  What do I do with all my CD’s now?  Another thing in American cars.  It turns off when u stop, then starts up again when you go.  Annoying.  We are looking for a Toyota tomorrow again.  I hate to buy foreign, but the features are better we found.

 

6 hours ago, annzeepark914 said:

I guess I'll be treasuring my 2014 Camry for as long as I can. My husband bought a Mercedes a year ago & I've only driven it once. It drives very well but I hate that the engine cuts off when you stop at a red light or a stop sign. The gear shift is on the steering wheel column (it looks like a  windshield wiper lever!). No CD player. He loves the car. I figured it was just the Germans making cars this crazy way but new American cars are like this too? Sheesh.

My 2020 Subaru legacy has that auto-shut off thing but there is a little button where I can change it to instead just hold the car as if I were pressing on the brake pedal at a stop light while removing my foot from said brake. 

My pet peeve with this is that I cannot change that in a settlings permanently, I have to do it every time I start the car.  But at least it's a little 'button' I can tap on the giant (ipad sized) screen on the display so it's just two taps.   

If your vehicle doesn't have a CD or Tape player but does have a USB port (most do nowadays), you can transfer your music to a flash drive and play the music that way. 

[Hangin Out]

30 minutes ago, Callietwo said:

your vehicle doesn't have a CD or Tape player but does have a USB port (most do nowadays), you can transfer your music to a flash drive and play the music that way. 

Thank you for that info, but my husband and I are stupid when it comes to any electronic.  I loved my RAV4, but some idiot kid plowed into it at a red light and totaled it.  I don’t think any car has the cd feature anymore.  Everything is hi tec unfortunately.  Husband just bought a new 43 in SMART tv.  Haha .. you should have seen us trying to just turn it on.  We had to call in the son and son in law to set it up.  Everything is just sooo hard when you are old.  My 6 yr old grandson knows how to navigate everything. Lol.  Thank you again.

 

 

 

 

[Cara]

13 hours ago, Silver Bells said:

In my opinion, it’s easier to go to a job then stay home and take care of kids.  

My kids are now in their 20’s. I hope I don’t come across as one of martyr type moms that was described.  But I will say the years I was a SAHM I worked harder than I ever have at any paid job I’ve had. My mom who worked outside the home when my sister was young (there is a big age difference) and stayed home with me, said a number of times how much harder she found it to stay home. 
 

All that said, I think everybody’s situation is different. So I try not to judge.

Edited January 25, 2021 by Cara

[peacheslatour]

9 minutes ago, Cara said:

My kids are now in their 20’s. I hope I don’t come across as one of martyr type moms that was described.  But I will say the years I was a SAHM I worked harder than I ever have at any paid job I’ve had. My mom who worked outside the home when my sister was young (there is a big age difference) and stayed home with me, said a number of times how much harder she found it to stay home.

Being a mom with a full time job had it's perks as far as getting away from the constant demands of a child but, and this is a big but, if you don't have a partner who is a true partner and shoulders their share of the housework, childcare and myriad other chores required to run a home, it's more like having three full time jobs.

[KittyMom4]

20 hours ago, WinnieWinkle said:

As opposed to every other parent on the planet who makes choices despite the kids I guess.  Ugh.  

I am going to add to this statement "parents who make choices based on their particular financial situation" as well. For my ex-husband and I staying home was not an option. We both worked full-time in order to keep a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs. I would have loved the option of working part-time at the very least but we did what we had to do to make a better life for ourselves and our children. 

I have no issues with SAHM/SAHD's, to each his/her own, but like all of you who have listened to them humblebrag and whine for attention, I'm sick of hearing about YOUR CHOICE. You CHOSE to have children and you CHOSE to stay home, good for you, but stop acting like you should be awarded the Medal of Freedom for it. 

 

[theredhead77]

14 hours ago, Silver Bells said:

Another thing in American cars.  It turns off when u stop, then starts up again when you go.

It's not just American cars. It's a new fuel emissions feature. If you're looking at Toyota or Honda chances are that is part of their new cars, too.

I love my Subaru Crosstrek. I also love my buddies Ford Ranger (new one). I think American cars and imported cars are about the same, quality wise these days. There are also "foreign' cars built right here in America.

[KittyMom4]

17 minutes ago, peacheslatour said:

Being a mom with a full time job had it's perks as far as getting away from the constant demands of a child but, and this is a big but, if you don't have a partner who is a true partner and shoulders their share of the housework, childcare and myriad other chores required to run a home, it's more like having three full time jobs.

So true, I was on my own when my kids were 8 & 12, my ex-husband would not take them beyond what the divorce decree stated: every Tues 6:00-9:00pm and every other weekend.  I was working 40 hours a week as well as helping with homework and chauffering them to functions and friends' houses and handling all the housework as well. It was tough but 3 of us got through it. Being a parent is hard, I would never point a finger at anyone who does it differently than me and say it's not good enough.

 

 

[PRgal]

1 hour ago, peacheslatour said:

Being a mom with a full time job had it's perks as far as getting away from the constant demands of a child but, and this is a big but, if you don't have a partner who is a true partner and shoulders their share of the housework, childcare and myriad other chores required to run a home, it's more like having three full time jobs.

Exactly.  Do men not help out as much as they could because it makes them feel less "manly?"  Putting more stress on the woman is one of the reasons why the glass ceiling isn't shattering yet.  Sorry, but when you're tired, you aren't putting as much in to your day job.  And when you're not putting as much effort, well, you're probably not getting as much experience as you could be.  We have paid parental leave here in Canada, but male partners rarely take that much time off - if at all.  So if mom takes an entire year off, well, that's one less year of experience.  

[WinnieWinkle]

10 minutes ago, PRgal said:

So if mom takes an entire year off, well, that's one less year of experience. 

I dipped in and out of employment for years when we were raising our kids mainly because my husband's job took us all over the place.  Which was great fun in many ways.  But comes the day when we settled down and the kids were older and I was years behind where I theoretically should have been in my career.  I look at the women I went to library school with back in the day and they are all retiring soon with lovely govt pensions and paid off houses etc and, well, I'm not.  It's reality check time and I'm fine with the choices we made (mostly) even if there are times when I think "jeeze the road not taken..." But this is something I'd really caution other women about - be really sure of what you are giving up if you decide to stay out of the workforce, especially if you stay out for years.  There will be consequences.  Most of us aren't married to doctors or  other "fill in well paid career here" people.  

Edited January 25, 2021 by WinnieWinkle

[peacheslatour]

39 minutes ago, PRgal said:

Exactly.  Do men not help out as much as they could because it makes them feel less "manly?"  Putting more stress on the woman is one of the reasons why the glass ceiling isn't shattering yet.  Sorry, but when you're tired, you aren't putting as much in to your day job.  And when you're not putting as much effort, well, you're probably not getting as much experience as you could be.  We have paid parental leave here in Canada, but male partners rarely take that much time off - if at all.  So if mom takes an entire year off, well, that's one less year of experience.  

A lot of it is the way they were raised. Hopefully, as more men see the benefits of spending time with their children this will change. My husband's father worked all the time but his mother managed a Sears store, so they had a housekeeper. We could never afford that so we both pitched in. I think his having a mother who worked outside the home helped him see women less as maids and more as partners.

[PRgal]

50 minutes ago, peacheslatour said:

A lot of it is the way they were raised. Hopefully, as more men see the benefits of spending time with their children this will change. My husband's father worked all the time but his mother managed a Sears store, so they had a housekeeper. We could never afford that so we both pitched in. I think his having a mother who worked outside the home helped him see women less as maids and more as partners.

It depends.  Some guys love their kids, spend a lot of time with them, yet still could put in more effort at home.  Despite having grown up in two working parent homes.

Edited January 25, 2021 by PRgal

[RealHousewife]

2 hours ago, BexKeps said:

I am going to add to this statement "parents who make choices based on their particular financial situation" as well. For my ex-husband and I staying home was not an option. We both worked full-time in order to keep a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs. I would have loved the option of working part-time at the very least but we did what we had to do to make a better life for ourselves and our children. 

I have no issues with SAHM/SAHD's, to each his/her own, but like all of you who have listened to them humblebrag and whine for attention, I'm sick of hearing about YOUR CHOICE. You CHOSE to have children and you CHOSE to stay home, good for you, but stop acting like you should be awarded the Medal of Freedom for it. 

 

👏 

55 minutes ago, WinnieWinkle said:

I dipped in and out of employment for years when we were raising our kids mainly because my husband's job took us all over the place.  Which was great fun in many ways.  But comes the day when we settled down and the kids were older and I was years behind where I theoretically should have been in my career.  I look at the women I went to library school with back in the day and they are all retiring soon with lovely govt pensions and paid off houses etc and, well, I'm not.  It's reality check time and I'm fine with the choices we made (mostly) even if there are times when I think "jeeze the road not taken..." But this is something I'd really caution other women about - be really sure of what you are giving up if you decide to stay out of the workforce, especially if you stay out for years.  There will be consequences.  Most of us aren't married to doctors or  other "fill in well paid career here" people.  

Exactly. There is also this pressure for women who are still young to sometimes go back to school to pursue more lucrative careers. I'd like to have kids, give them lots of attention, but still have financial stability and the means to leave a marriage if I want to. Not having an income at all scares me, but what I do want doesn't require me to be a doctor, engineer or lawyer. I will probably keep the job I have now, which is a flexible one. I make decent money. Not tons, but decent. My bills are paid, and I can afford small luxuries. This way I should have time for children, but I am not leaving the workforce. I will be able to pursue higher paying work that's similar. I should be able to retire fairly young. There are only so many well-to-do men out there, and I'm not someone who can marry just for money. I want a good person. I want the chemistry. I'm also picky enough on other things, so while I see the appeal of being a SAHM, it may not be realistic for me. If I were to ever be one though, I'd consider myself lucky and try not to be the kind of mom that annoys me.

That's my attitude in general though. I have coworkers who complain about little things at our jobs, and I always say we're so lucky. We have a nice boss. We are able to work safely at home during covid. If we have appointments or other things during the day, we can make up the hours we miss in the evenings. We're not under any danger. We are paid fairly. I don't get why some people like to whine about having it so hard when they don't. As far as my coworkers, I think some of them are simply spoiled. As for the moms, I have family and friends with all sorts of family structures, and I see who's got the most on their plate. It's not the mom who drops her kids off at school and has time to run errands, clean, and cook while she has the house to herself. It's the woman who is at work all day and has limited hours after work to get done what the SAHM had several hours for. (Again, I'm not referring to a mother of small children where she's breastfeeding a baby every two hours and has to keep an eye on another little one all day. If you're up all night, that's exhausting, especially if your husband doesn't help with feedings, changing diapers, etc. I also have friends with special needs children. Also not referring to moms who have several children. That's got be tiresome, although that too is a choice.) Maybe it's also because I've juggled multiple jobs in the past, have worked jobs where you are on your feet all day, have people constantly on your back, have experienced workplace harassment, helped take care of sick family members after work, etc, that all of it has affected what I perceive as super difficult and stressful. (Even then, I know I didn't have the stress of being a police officer or a brain surgeon or anything.) For example, I'm much less stressed now that I can throw in some laundry during lunch time. I don't have to make a drive home before I get dinner ready. These are all things that are easier to do when you are at home, whether you're a parent or not. 

 

[peacheslatour]

1 hour ago, PRgal said:

It depends.  Some guys love their kids, spend a lot of time with them, yet still could put in more effort at home.  Despite having grown up in two working parent homes.

Then they're not really men. They're Man Children. The woman has two kids instead of one.

[auntlada]

I occasionally have thought I saw appeal in being a SAHM, but if there is anything I've learned from this pandemic, teleworking and having distance/virtual school, it's that being a stay at home mom is not appealing to me. Now granted, I'm still working my paid job when I'm at home so I still have housework on top of that, but I want to go out to a workplace of adults. In fairness to my husband, he does as much housework as I do. I cook most suppers, but he does cook at least once a week usually, and he washes dishes. I do laundry (because I trust no one else to do my laundry). He also cleans the litter boxes, a task that became his when I was pregnant and which I somehow just never seemed to take back. Both of us do other cleaning, as does the boy. Truthfully, though, my housekeeping is haphazard at best. I hate it, and not having a paid job would not help it.

His father does a lot of housework type stuff, too, though, as did my father, which is a little weird because my grandfather never did anything around the house and didn't really care to be around children for long periods. Child-rearing was women's work. (This was a long time ago.) Possibly my mom convinced him because her dad did a lot.

And we both have volunteered at school, although I'm usually the one to go to the parties (back in the time when they were in school and parents got to go to parties). I enjoy spending an hour or so with the kids, though, so I don't mind it. I just take annual leave or skip my lunch hour.

[PRgal]

39 minutes ago, peacheslatour said:

Then they're not really men. They're Man Children. The woman has two kids instead of one.

That's a lot of them.  Especially those my age (41).

[peacheslatour]

Quote

His father does a lot of housework type stuff, too, though, as did my father, 

My dad did too, which was not typical for his generation. He learned to keep things neat and tidy in the Air Force and I guess it just stayed with him. As for child care, he spent a lot of time with me because my mom had no interest in walking in the woods and appreciating nature. Also cartoons.

[GHScorpiosRule]

9 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

It's not just American cars. It's a new fuel emissions feature. If you're looking at Toyota or Honda chances are that is part of their new cars, too.

I love my Subaru Crosstrek. I also love my buddies Ford Ranger (new one). I think American cars and imported cars are about the same, quality wise these days. There are also "foreign' cars built right here in America.

As you all know, I was able to buy a new car a year and a half ago-Honda Civic.

It does not stop and then restart when idling, or what was described up thread. I chose not to have a CD player installed because I didn’t want to add to the cost/increase my payments. I don’t know if it’s possible to have one put in down the line or not. 

Until the pandemic is over/gone/kiltdeaderthandead, I can listen to my CDs on my boom box (Yes! I still have mine!!!) while working from home.

[Hangin Out]

10 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

It's not just American cars. It's a new fuel emissions feature. If you're looking at Toyota or Honda chances are that is part of their new cars, too.

I love my Subaru Crosstrek. I also love my buddies Ford Ranger (new one). I think American cars and imported cars are about the same, quality wise these days. There are also "foreign' cars built right here in America.

Oh nuts .. in foreign cars too?  All these changes are making me crazy.  I’ll have to look around.  Ford Rangers are nice.

[KlutzyCobbler]

11 hours ago, BexKeps said:

I have no issues with SAHM/SAHD's, to each his/her own, but like all of you who have listened to them humblebrag and whine for attention, I'm sick of hearing about YOUR CHOICE. You CHOSE to have children and you CHOSE to stay home, good for you, but stop acting like you should be awarded the Medal of Freedom for it. 

 

I would accept nothing less than a Croix de Guerre or a Purple Heart.

[KittyMom4]

19 hours ago, WinnieWinkle said:

But this is something I'd really caution other women about - be really sure of what you are giving up if you decide to stay out of the workforce, especially if you stay out for years.  There will be consequences.  Most of us aren't married to doctors or  other "fill in well paid career here" people.

This is so true, my ex-SIL quit teaching as soon as she got pregnant. Her husband (now ex) at the time had a mid-6 figure job (this was in the early 90's) so they could afford it. Six months after the birth of her 3rd child he left her for another woman. He talked her out of a formal child support agreement saying he would always take care of his children. About a year later he quit his job and took an under-the-table paying job working for a friend's company. She eventually had to go back to work (married 2 other losers in the interim, that's a whole 'nother topic) but she missed 15 years of contributing to her SS and any type of pension or a 401k, she will be working well into her 70's, if she is physically able to. 

[Hangin Out]

12 hours ago, GHScorpiosRule said:

 

Until the pandemic is over/gone/kiltdeaderthandead, I can listen to my CDs on my boom box (Yes! I still have mine!!!) while working from home.

While getting rid of stuff as long as I’m stuck in the house, I got rid of all my t.v. Tapes as they are obsolete.  My son told me to get rid of my big boom box with radio and tape deck.  I said “ no way”.  I still can play all my old little tapes on it.  It has a fabulous sound.  There’s just certain things you just can’t get rid of.  I still have my kindle, but don’t use it.  When my Father died and we sold the house, we left my victrola and lots of 78’s old records in the house.  I could KILL myself now as vinyl records are back and victrolas. They are also a lot of money now and in demand.  Damn !  Why did I do that??

[TattleTeeny]

My peeve this week is online order tracking; if a carrier is not going to update it in real-time, why have it at all? I am waiting for my new glasses and losing my mind (that’s a whole other peeve; my previous new pair of progressives sucks and I have to tilt my head so far back to see up close all day that I ordered another pair with just the closeup Rx to save my neck!). I contacted the carrier and they said, “Oh, we have no info—contact the sender,” which I did, which is how I learned that the carrier updated only every couple of days! I need to see to work, man! 

Edited January 26, 2021 by TattleTeeny

[GHScorpiosRule]

54 minutes ago, Silver Bells said:

While getting rid of stuff as long as I’m stuck in the house, I got rid of all my t.v. Tapes as they are obsolete.  My son told me to get rid of my big boom box with radio and tape deck.  I said “ no way”.  I still can play all my old little tapes on it.  It has a fabulous sound.  There’s just certain things you just can’t get rid of.  I still have my kindle, but don’t use it.  When my Father died and we sold the house, we left my victrola and lots of 78’s old records in the house.  I could KILL myself now as vinyl records are back and victrolas. They are also a lot of money now and in demand.  Damn !  Why did I do that??

I also STILL have all my 45s and LPs! Just don't have the record player any more! I think my parents took it with them when they moved to India after retiring!

[TattleTeeny]

Haha, we regularly have "vinyl time" here -- somehow we have 2 record players (one is at my BF's store now), both of which are designed to look vintage, but also have CD and MP3 capability. I don't THINK they have tape players though.

[theredhead77]

14 hours ago, GHScorpiosRule said:

As you all know, I was able to buy a new car a year and a half ago-Honda Civic.

It does not stop and then restart when idling, or what was described up thread.

This is a new thing, I think cars started getting it in 2019/2020 so while your Civic may not have the feature it's not to say a 2021 Civic doesn't.

[ECM1231]

22 hours ago, WinnieWinkle said:

I dipped in and out of employment for years when we were raising our kids mainly because my husband's job took us all over the place.  Which was great fun in many ways.  But comes the day when we settled down and the kids were older and I was years behind where I theoretically should have been in my career.  I look at the women I went to library school with back in the day and they are all retiring soon with lovely govt pensions and paid off houses etc and, well, I'm not.  It's reality check time and I'm fine with the choices we made (mostly) even if there are times when I think "jeeze the road not taken..." But this is something I'd really caution other women about - be really sure of what you are giving up if you decide to stay out of the workforce, especially if you stay out for years.  There will be consequences.  Most of us aren't married to doctors or  other "fill in well paid career here" people.  

Word to your entire post! My kids are in their 30s now but I chose to be a SAHM after my first child was born.  I was a teacher making peanuts in a parochial school; my husband was a city employee making an average salary but it came with great benefits. We had a mortgage but very few other bills as we lived simply. At that time (married almost 38 years now) there was no internet, no cable bills, no mobile phones, etc. We each had our own cars. We made do with my cooking every  night and once a year vacations.  I was happy to be home and involved in the PTA. I got to be class mom too many times to count and enjoyed chaperoning school trips. My second child had some learning issues and I was basically his tutor for almost all of his school years, which was exhausting. I returned briefly to the work force as a substitute teacher when my oldest was 12 but barely 2 years later my youngest became extremely ill and we almost lost him. The next two years were spent back and forth periodically for hospital clinic visits so that was the end of my 'career.'  I'm happy to say he is a healthy 32 year old man now.

We weren't rolling in dough but I was happy to make financial sacrifices if I could stay home.  My choice. I'd never judge others for their choice to work. Some moms may want to stay home but have to work to pay the bills. Others don't have any financial need to work but prefer to. Again, no judgment. But we made do with 20 year old cars. No fancy vacations. No weekly dining out. My husband mowed our own lawn. We still are the only homeowners on the block who don't use a lawn service. I look up and down the block and everyone has newer models cars. The brief time I did substitute teach the kids were all talking about their ski trips over Christmas break. Do I think my kids missed out on a lot of luxuries because I stayed home?  No. We had computers, they had the gaming systems, we did take family vacations. But maybe they didn't have the newest sneaker brand. I remember my son being in 6th grade and wanting an item of Tommy Hilfiger clothing, which was out of my budget. We'd gone to the flea market and I bought a baseball cap, which he was so proud to wear. I didn't realize it was a knock off and he got teased for it.  But he got over it and as a teen was a jeans and tee shirt kind of kid and to this day doesn't care a whit about fashion.

I did miss out on getting a pension and when I am full retirement age my Social Security benefit will be peanuts but that's the path I chose and I don't regret it in the least.

 

[Growsonwalls]

3 hours ago, BexKeps said:

This is so true, my ex-SIL quit teaching as soon as she got pregnant. Her husband (now ex) at the time had a mid-6 figure job (this was in the early 90's) so they could afford it. Six months after the birth of her 3rd child he left her for another woman. He talked her out of a formal child support agreement saying he would always take care of his children. About a year later he quit his job and took an under-the-table paying job working for a friend's company. She eventually had to go back to work (married 2 other losers in the interim, that's a whole 'nother topic) but she missed 15 years of contributing to her SS and any type of pension or a 401k, she will be working well into her 70's, if she is physically able to. 

Oh man. This reminds me of this woman who told me that a woman's greatest shame was having her own bank account. She said "if you have your own bank account it means you don't have a husband to support you." She also won't learn how to drive so her husband "won't leave her". She figures that if her husband knows she can't drive he won't leave her on her own.

Turns out her husband is a good guy who does everything for her but I hate to think what would have happened had her husband not been a nice guy.

[Quof]

7 minutes ago, Growsonwalls said:

This reminds me of this woman who told me that a woman's greatest shame was having her own bank account.

The wife of one of the partners in my law firm once called him because they had run out of furnace oil. And she didn't know what oil company they used.  She never noticed the truck that pulled up regularly to do deliveries (she was not employed), he did all the banking so she never saw the name on the payments... Being helpless is not a good look. What if hadn't been reachable?

[WinnieWinkle]

16 minutes ago, Growsonwalls said:

Turns out her husband is a good guy who does everything for her but I hate to think what would have happened had her husband not been a nice guy.

Even good guys die.  Women who purposely makes themselves so dependent that they can't even pay the household bills should the worse happen are just storing up trouble for themselves.  My husband does all our banking on-line and I just don't want to do that so I guess I am a bit like that myself though.  Luckily for me he keeps track of everything and I know where all the passwords etc are kept so I can do it if i have to.  But frankly if anything happens to him I'm the  get out the cheque book and pay the bills at the kitchen table type!

Edited January 26, 2021 by WinnieWinkle

[theredhead77]

5 minutes ago, Quof said:

Being helpless is not a good look.

You can say that again. I went on a socially distanced date over the weekend and the dude is presenting as a bit too helpless for my tastes.

[peacheslatour]

45 minutes ago, Growsonwalls said:

Oh man. This reminds me of this woman who told me that a woman's greatest shame was having her own bank account. She said "if you have your own bank account it means you don't have a husband to support you." She also won't learn how to drive so her husband "won't leave her". She figures that if her husband knows she can't drive he won't leave her on her own.

Turns out her husband is a good guy who does everything for her but I hate to think what would have happened had her husband not been a nice guy.

We had a woman like that who used to come in our vet clinic. She didn't know how to write a check or drive. Her husband would fill in the check and she would hand it to me to fill in the amount. After she left one day I commented "She's gonna be screwed when her hubby dies." To which the vet replied "No shit."

[Mindthinkr]

@Silver Bells The car I had before I sold it (It was a 17 year old Lincoln with under 100k miles) came with no music source. I went to a car stereo/sound place and they installed a 6 CD player in my trunk and viola, music to my heart’s content. Especially the multi CD option when I was doing longer hauls. 

[Hangin Out]

3 hours ago, GHScorpiosRule said:

I also STILL have all my 45s and LPs! Just don't have the record player any more! I think my parents took it with them when they moved to India after retiring!

You can buy one now as they are back in style.

[ECM1231]

1 hour ago, Quof said:

The wife of one of the partners in my law firm once called him because they had run out of furnace oil. And she didn't know what oil company they used.  She never noticed the truck that pulled up regularly to do deliveries (she was not employed), he did all the banking so she never saw the name on the payments... Being helpless is not a good look. What if hadn't been reachable?

My MIL is 90 and has been married for over 70 years. She was beautiful in her prime and still beautiful now. I'm convinced that is why my FIL married her. She's sweet as can be and very loving and kind, but very, very dense. When they first married her husband put her in charge of the bill paying, which quickly came to an end. She was super irresponsible and they weren't being paid on time. She worked f/t as did my FIL but there really wasn't any good reason for her incompetence except perhaps having come straight from her parent's home and into the marriage and didn't really have any experience. Still, it's not rocket science. My FIL has since kept her out of the loop; she has NO idea that they really are quite comfortable financially as he has never shared anything about their finances with her. When my FIL was in the hospital a few years back recuperating from a broken hip, we were all worried about her. She didn't even know how to run the dishwasher. They live in the city so a car is not necessary and she doesn't really leave the house now, but when my FIL leaves this Earth my husband and his siblings are going to have to step up to the plate. This is a woman who could never be left alone. My FIL does all the cooking, cleaning,, laundry. She's his princess and is kept in the dark.

My husband was 30 when we met and owned his own home. He was comfortable paying bills. I took that job over when we married b/c of how anal I am when it comes to balancing the checkbook.  My husband would never add the interest and I am the type to make sure everything balances out to the penny. We each had our own cars so I never needed him to 'take' me grocery shopping like my dad did for my own mom, accompany me to pediatrician appointments, my own doctor appointments, etc. I'd really go nuts if I had to rely on someone else in that way. 

[BookWoman56]

1 hour ago, Quof said:

Being helpless is not a good look. 

This is true for any adult, male or female. Males in their mid-20s who don’t know how to cook or do laundry? Females in their mid-60s who don’t know their own finances and how to pay bills? All of them are likely to be in for a very rude awakening when the person who previously did this for them is no longer willing or able to continue babying them. Barring some kind of cognitive impairment, these and similar activities are things ALL adults should be able to do themselves. In my mother’s generation, too many women were taught to rely solely on their husbands to handle all financial decisions and obligations. To this day, too many boys are still taught that domestic  tasks are the responsibility of their mothers, sisters, girlfriends, and wives. 

1 hour ago, WinnieWinkle said:

Even good guys die.  Women who purposely makes themselves so dependent that they can't even pay the household bills should the worse happen are just storing up trouble for themselves.  My husband does all our banking on-line and I just don't want to do that so I guess I am a bit like that myself though.  Luckily for me he keeps track of everything and I know where all the passwords etc are kept so I can do it if i have to.  But frankly if anything happens to him I'm the  get out the cheque book and pay the bills at the kitchen table type!

I highly recommend, for anyone, getting a couple of small books from Amazon or other bookstores: one is a password book that has space to write your online accounts, with user names and passwords, so that if you forget them, it’s an easy reference, and if the normal bill-payer in the household isn’t available, someone else can do it. The other is a book (several variations available) that is essentially “I’m Dead; Now What?”; it contains spaces for critical information that family members would need in the event of a spouse’s/parent’s death, all in one place rather than having to search through a laptop or physical files. While purchasing these and filling them out doesn’t change the division of responsibility between couples or parents/children, it does make it easier for survivors to keep the household going without having the power cut off because nobody knows where the bills are and how the bills are normally paid. 

[Bastet]

A friend of my mom's is one of those women - her husband died last year, and she had a hell of a time sorting things out because he had handled all their finances, to the point she didn't even know their assets beyond the house and cars.  He wouldn't ever tell her amounts, passwords, where things were filed, etc., just telling her he had everything under control.  My mom is appalled anyone would agree to live like that, and I agree, but I'm also astounded my mom, at nearly 80 years old, is unaware there are a lot of women, especially of her generation, who got sucked into living like that. 

Personally, I would never be comfortable as part of a one-income marriage - if I was the wage earner or, especially, if I was the one taking care of the home.  But if community property is what works for someone, rock on with their bad selves -- but community money means it's her money, too, and she nees to know where it is, how much of it there is, and how to access it.  There's a lot of different strokes out there for different folks, but being in the dark is just not right.

[supposebly]

2 hours ago, Growsonwalls said:

She figures that if her husband knows she can't drive he won't leave her on her own.

Turns out her husband is a good guy who does everything for her but I hate to think what would have happened had her husband not been a nice guy.

Until the husband is too old or sick to drive and then they are stuck. Or finally realizes that this is stupid. Unbelievable.

[Growsonwalls]

10 minutes ago, Bastet said:

A friend of my mom's is one of those women - her husband died last year, and she had a hell of a time sorting things out because he had handled all their finances, to the point she didn't even know their assets beyond the house and cars.  He wouldn't ever tell her amounts, passwords, where things were filed, etc., just telling her he had everything under control.  My mom is appalled anyone would agree to live like that, and I agree, but I'm also astounded my mom, at nearly 80 years old, is unaware there are a lot of women, especially of her generation, who got sucked into living like that. 

I actually broke off a relationship with a friend because he kept going on about how in the "good old days" homes were single-income and women didn't become "restless" because they "trusted their husbands would provide." When I pointed out that this was great until husbands were drunk, gamblers, disabled, sick, died, spent all the money on a mistress. Then what happened? He didn't have an answer for that.

But I'm astonished when women express this POV. Certainly they have to know someone who was up shit's creek because she relied completely on her husband?

[Bastet]

1 minute ago, Growsonwalls said:

Certainly they have to know someone who was up shit's creek because she relied completely on her husband?

This is the first one she's known personally.  I just don't know how she hasn't heard stories of similar situations.  Actually, I'm sure she has; her astonishment was when she first found out about her friend, and she was probably so blown away that this particular woman was living that way (I wouldn't have expected it of her, either) that's what she was focused on.

[Hangin Out]

Oops .. wrong thread.

[KlutzyCobbler]

1 hour ago, ECM1231 said:

My MIL is 90 and has been married for over 70 years. She was beautiful in her prime and still beautiful now. SNIP

She's his princess and is kept in the dark.

That explains why she is still beautiful at 90.  Sunlight is a bitch on the complexion.

[Hangin Out]

34 minutes ago, Bastet said:

A friend of my mom's is one of those women - her husband died last year, and she had a hell of a time sorting things out because he had handled all their finances, to the point she didn't even know their assets beyond the house and cars.  He wouldn't ever tell her amounts, passwords, where things were filed, etc., just telling her he had everything under control.  My mom is appalled anyone would agree to live like that, and I agree, but I'm also astounded my mom, at nearly 80 years old, is unaware there are a lot of women, especially of her generation, who got sucked into living like that. 

Personally, I would never be comfortable as part of a one-income marriage - if I was the wage earner or, especially, if I was the one taking care of the home.  But if community property is what works for someone, rock on with their bad selves -- but community money means it's her money, too, and she nees to know where it is, how much of it there is, and how to access it.  There's a lot of different strokes out there for different folks, but being in the dark is just not right.

My sister is in the dark also.  Her husband has his name on the checking acct ONLY.  Not hers.  He pays the bills and her job pays for the food.  If she wants to buy something, she cuts down on food.  I handle all the money in the house.  My husband doesn’t want to.  I handle everything .. banking, repair men, bills, etc.  I could rob him blind, but wouldn’t.  He lets me do what I want as long as he has his food on the table and his t.v. for his sports.  Thank God.  I could not live like my sister.  My husband paid her share for funeral flowers and luncheons for my parents and other things.  It’s not like we are loaded, it’s that they are cheap.  Always were.

[GHScorpiosRule]

4 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

This is a new thing, I think cars started getting it in 2019/2020 so while your Civic may not have the feature it's not to say a 2021 Civic doesn't.

Oh, I didn't mean to imply that it doesn't. Just reading all the comments, I was, like, huh. Mine doesn't. And I know they do, because my best friend had a car in 2017 or 2018 that did that and she hated it.