Small Talk: The Prayer Closet

[chilis]

On 1/7/2018 at 11:01 PM, jcbrown said:

So my dad is in a memory care facility and we have been paying a caregiver there to get him out and about (he likes to go to the drugstore, out to lunch, Target, whatever). He mentioned earlier that they had "gotten really close." It came out today that they have actually embarked on a sexual relationship. The facility fired her immediately, as they had to. He is a bit embarrassed but says he never thought he would have feelings for another woman (Mom dies of Alzheimer's ten years ago after a fifty-year marriage and longer than that relationship and he was her caregiver and they were each other's only partners ever). My sister and I are struggling with what, if anything, to do with this. On the one hand, I am happy he found someone to make him happy for the time she did. On the other, I am less than happy we were paying her to do so. And I am struggling with the fact that if the genders were reversed, I would likely want the police involved. One of the "features" of the disease, for those who do not know, can be inappropriate sexual behavior.

I posted much of this on the Alzheimer's.org board but you folks are often smarter.

JCBROWN, I lurk here occasionally, but rarely post.  However, I landed on this page and saw your situation.  Forgive me for butting in.  I'm an occupational therapist who works with people in skilled nursing facilities, assisted livings, and memory care facilities, as well as home health.  Any accredited facility should have an ombudsman whose job it is to represent the patients and their families, independent of the facility.  I believe all facilities are mandated to have one.  I think the elder care attorney is a must, of course, but there should be a free resource as well to be on "your side" in all of this.  

Also, I wanted to tell you how wonderful I think it is that you arranged for these services (the appropriate ones), to take him out and about.  It is so, so very important for people with cognitive deficits to remain engaged in the world at the highest possible level they can.  So often that doesn't happen.  Facilities frequently do their best to provide stimulation, but having that personalized "out in the world" time is such an amazing gift you gave him.  It's horrifying that it was abused in such a way.  

Does your father have an activated POA?  Most people in memory care do, but I have some residents who are still considered "their own person."  If the POA is not activated, now might be a good time to pursue that as you can point to poor decision making.  And then you would have the right to insist she have no contact with him.  

Best wishes to you, your sister, and your dad.  I have no doubt that with as devoted to him as you have demonstrated yourself to be, that you will do right by him in this.  

[bigskygirl]

40 minutes ago, Arwen Evenstar said:

Yes, I remember you telling us about your husband going through dialysis. That’s ROUGH indeed. I think a lot of my progress aside from having a great medical team, is the fact that I’m as tenacious as an English bulldog. And like my tuxedo cat who decided that being diabetic was boring and reversed.  Determination is a lot of winning the battle against disease or disability.  Encouragement and even a little faith don’t hurt, either.

The evilness may have tried to take over body and mind, but we beat it. Take that Duggars!!!

[Catfin]

4 hours ago, lookeyloo said:

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am in a situation.  About 10 years ago I had my hip replaced.  It was the state of the art implant.  Now the dr. tells me that the metal degrades and gets into the blood stream.  I went back to him because my back was hurting and wanted to rule out the hip.  He thinks it is my back and not the hip but advised that we needed to do blood work to see if there was metal in my blood.  There is.  Next step is special MRI because implant is steel.  If the worst case scenario comes true I will have to have a surgery to somehow get the implant out and put in a new one.  He said it is not an easy surgery with lots of places to go wrong.  I trust him.  He was my second opinion the first time around.  I did a lot of research the first time.  I know revisions are not good.  I don't want one.  I came to this big city the first time because of the skill here.  Now we live here so that is a bit easier.   Plus I am 10 years older, not a spring chick.  I hope that we can just watch.  He said if I live long enough the implant will fail.  How long is long enough.  Don't know.  Since my tendency is to Pollyanna, head in sand, live in denial, please no horror stories!!  Thanks for listening!!

Hey, Lookey, ((full frontal)) hugs. My mom had both sides replaced and then revisions to each about 20 years later, so four separate surgeries in all. She's 89 and doing great, full mobility. Do your due diligence. It may be easier to do the revision now vs. 10 years from now health and recovery-wise. 

 

This is getting older sucks in some ways but is wonderful in other ways. 

[jcbrown]

3 hours ago, chilis said:

JCBROWN, I lurk here occasionally, but rarely post.  However, I landed on this page and saw your situation.  Forgive me for butting in.  I'm an occupational therapist who works with people in skilled nursing facilities, assisted livings, and memory care facilities, as well as home health.  Any accredited facility should have an ombudsman whose job it is to represent the patients and their families, independent of the facility.  I believe all facilities are mandated to have one.  I think the elder care attorney is a must, of course, but there should be a free resource as well to be on "your side" in all of this.  

Also, I wanted to tell you how wonderful I think it is that you arranged for these services (the appropriate ones), to take him out and about.  It is so, so very important for people with cognitive deficits to remain engaged in the world at the highest possible level they can.  So often that doesn't happen.  Facilities frequently do their best to provide stimulation, but having that personalized "out in the world" time is such an amazing gift you gave him.  It's horrifying that it was abused in such a way.  

Does your father have an activated POA?  Most people in memory care do, but I have some residents who are still considered "their own person."  If the POA is not activated, now might be a good time to pursue that as you can point to poor decision making.  And then you would have the right to insist she have no contact with him.  

Best wishes to you, your sister, and your dad.  I have no doubt that with as devoted to him as you have demonstrated yourself to be, that you will do right by him in this.  

Thank you so much. I realized tonight that I am getting exhausted by all of this and it really helps to have the positive reinforcement. As it happens, the attorney I spoke to today (and she got fired UP by the situation and called me on her own time after hours!) contacted  Adult Protective Services as well as the ombudsman for the county. I will be making a police report tomorrow and have requested a conference call with the facility on Thursday.  I've also had a freeze put on his credit so no new accounts can be opened and alerted the people who manage his day-to-day finances (best decision ever to outsource this if you are caring for aging parents) and reached out to the social worker who helped us find the facility where he is. Meanwhile, I talked to him today and he is smitten, insists she is, as well, and wants to continue the relationship. We are considering asking the facility to take out a restraining order to prevent her from accessing the property. This is all so sad because he was really happy for the attention and is blaming himself for things going south (evidently they were caught in some degree of in flagrante delicto on Sunday and she was walked off the property). So we are trying to protect his heart but also to protect an current/future clients she has from her terrible judgment. This is so hard.

[SnarkyShark]

4 hours ago, chilis said:

 Any accredited facility should have an ombudsman whose job it is to represent the patients and their families, independent of the facility.  I believe all facilities are mandated to have one.  I think the elder care attorney is a must, of course, but there should be a free resource as well to be on "your side" in all of this.  

@jcbrown, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this situation. With regards to the point about an ombudsman, my grandmother has been a volunteer ombudsman for a number of years now. (She's in her early 70's and is very active.) I know she is very devoted to ensuring that she answers her calls in a timely manner and working with both the facility and the patient to resolve complaints. As a result, she knows the dirt on the nursing homes in our area, should she need one.

 

Kudos to you for being devoted to ensuring that your dad receives good care. It makes me sad to think of all the elderly who do not have an advocate on their side. 

[Throwaway name]

Just want to let all you know who p.m. me the answer to the question that you wanted to know about is the Jinger thread I posted the answer under this name not my normal name when you see my answer you understand

[Rabbittron]

Now back to my regularly scheduled name.

[Natalie68]

I am not sure how to start this since I normally don't like to post for good thoughts but had to throw this in there.  Please keep Montecito in your thoughts and prayers.  Still so many people missing, families separated, and loved ones desperate to find their families.  Also, if you are EVER threatened with a mudslide, even if you are not in a mandatory evac zone, LEAVE!  Many who thought they were safe also were washed out of their homes.

[Arwen Evenstar]

1 hour ago, Natalie68 said:

I am not sure how to start this since I normally don't like to post for good thoughts but had to throw this in there.  Please keep Montecito in your thoughts and prayers.  Still so many people missing, families separated, and loved ones desperate to find their families.  Also, if you are EVER threatened with a mudslide, even if you are not in a mandatory evac zone, LEAVE!  Many who thought they were safe also were washed out of their homes.

That is so sad. I’ve been thinking of the mudslides and our posters who may be impacted or near enough to them. 

Where’s all our disaster relief money gone? Texans have yet to see FEMA deliver a single trailer there., so it’s nit surprising little is being done to help California.

[Natalie68]

35 minutes ago, Arwen Evenstar said:

That is so sad. I’ve been thinking of the mudslides and our posters who may be impacted or near enough to them. 

Where’s all our disaster relief money gone? Texans have yet to see FEMA deliver a single trailer there., so it’s nit surprising little is being done to help California.

I am very surprised Texas hasn't seen any FEMA help!  That is insane!!!  I would NOT be surprised if CA got no help.  The current Admin has an issue or two with us.  The help from all over the country for the fire brought tears to my eye.  This is going to sound bad, but I suspect many are relishing wealthy west coasters (which Montecito has many wealthy folks) having a tragedy.  I made the mistake of reading FB comments about it.  It was sickening.

[Arwen Evenstar]

Yeah, I wonder if that’s not part of it, but if even crimson red (except for Harris and a few other heavily populated blue counties) Texas isn’t getting much of anything, I don’t think FEMA had enough in the coffers to handle the unprecedented number of national disasters in a single year. 

Since FEMA was created to cover natural disasters that private insurance has refused to cover, it should have been kept solvent for the sakes of those impacted through no fault of their own. Nothing like “proving” all government agencies are incompetent by refusing to fund them or choke them off. Texas Independently raised over a billion in private funds to cover Harvey alone. JJ Watt raised over 40 mm on top of that.  JJ Watt can account for every cent.  I cannot imagine where all these other private and FEMA funds went.  They probably are doing some good, but it’s hard to tell where they’re concentrating their efforts. Even though most of our local news is politically neutral , the frustration with FEMA is pretty palpable.

[zoomama]

it is all over the local news all day long about the mudslides up there and also locally (not as serious as montecito). heartbreaking. 

because we are friends,  want to share some special news with ya'll.   grandchild #10 is on her way!!  its been a long morning and not much is happening so they are going to help the labor along with meds (read that 'hell on earth' in my opinion).  baby girl has had some prenatal health concerns so her getting born is the first step to a correct accurate diagnosis and the beginning of treatment.  i choose to believe that she will be just fine.  so anyway, i cant get to the hospital yet but hopefully tonight we will have a baby. she will bring the final total to 6 girls and 4 boys.  

[lookeyloo]

So I am having a thought about @jcbrown's dreadful situation with her father and the aide.  I think it is an awful abuse situation.  Every step necessary to get the aide out and concur with everyone's opinion of the situation.  Definitely a case of taking advantage of her father.  The next thought is that a lot of these elderly folks are lonely and crave some intimacy.  Of course not like what took place - could never agree with that, ever.  Even those that don't have dementia and an increased sex drive - just regular lonely people..  I read about it in articles and some professional literature.  I don't have a solution or suggestion.  I'm just saying it is sad to be of sound mind, failing body, wishing for something, no privacy, no access, etc.  Visiting relatives are one thing, someone to snuggle with is totally different.  Very sad.  

[Natalie68]

39 minutes ago, zoomama said:

it is all over the local news all day long about the mudslides up there and also locally (not as serious as montecito). heartbreaking. 

because we are friends,  want to share some special news with ya'll.   grandchild #10 is on her way!!  its been a long morning and not much is happening so they are going to help the labor along with meds (read that 'hell on earth' in my opinion).  baby girl has had some prenatal health concerns so her getting born is the first step to a correct accurate diagnosis and the beginning of treatment.  i choose to believe that she will be just fine.  so anyway, i cant get to the hospital yet but hopefully tonight we will have a baby. she will bring the final total to 6 girls and 4 boys.  

Mazel!  Hope for an easy birth and beginning of treatment!  Enjoy the new baby ZOOMAMA!

[BitterApple]

zoomama, congratulations! I hope all goes well with the delivery!

[Arwen Evenstar]

@zoomama, hugs and congratulations to Grandmother and prayers for a safe labor and delivery for mother and child.

[Love2dance]

@zoomama, sending good wishes for number 10 grandchild’s safe delivery and treatment. Hugs to all.

[Jynnan tonnix]

10 minutes ago, Love2dance said:

@zoomama, sending good wishes for number 10 grandchild’s safe delivery and treatment. Hugs to all.

Doubling down on the good wishes! Hope all goes well!

[jcbrown]

4 hours ago, lookeyloo said:

So I am having a thought about @jcbrown's dreadful situation with her father and the aide.  I think it is an awful abuse situation.  Every step necessary to get the aide out and concur with everyone's opinion of the situation.  Definitely a case of taking advantage of her father.  The next thought is that a lot of these elderly folks are lonely and crave some intimacy.  Of course not like what took place - could never agree with that, ever.  Even those that don't have dementia and an increased sex drive - just regular lonely people..  I read about it in articles and some professional literature.  I don't have a solution or suggestion.  I'm just saying it is sad to be of sound mind, failing body, wishing for something, no privacy, no access, etc.  Visiting relatives are one thing, someone to snuggle with is totally different.  Very sad.  

Thank you. It has been such an exhausting week but I am feeling more clear about the situation. One of the saddest parts is that Dad has been so lonely and felt so good having someone pay attention to him and it was this abusive situation. My sister and I are going to ask the facility to prohibit the caregiver from the premises so that we do not have to be the bad guys telling him we are breaking up his relationship. I talked to the police today and they do not feel there is a criminal case but they do think there is a civil one. My sister and I are having a conference call with the facility tomorrow. If they push back on wiping out the caregiver's billing for December, we are going to start looking for a new facility. Sigh.

I appreciate all the support here. My sister thought I was insane when I told her the Duggar small talk board was such a supportive online community but she has no idea.

[emma675]

jcbrown, hugs. This is just an awful situation to deal with. I feel for your poor dad, thinking he had a real connection with someone who was just taking advantage of him. What the hell is wrong with people who do things like this? I'll never understand it.

[zoomama]

it is thursday 3:30 a.m. in cali right now. i just home from the hospital.  baby girl was FINALLY born at about 1:45 this morning and i got to be in the room.  they did not call the NICU person as requested by the specialists (staff felt there was no need).  they are letting my kids keep her with them (no more nursery). she will be evaluated and scanned  later today to see what her issue is, if there is one. (she has fluid in the ventricles of her brain). she nursed and had a good latch, opened her eyes and naturally screamed real loud. she has blond hair, about an inch long. she weighed 8 pounds, bigger than we expected. she appears perfect ---- no defects visible that i could see. it was beautiful! her name is brennah.

[Catfin]

Congratulations Grandma!

[crazycatlady58]

Zoomama,  congratulations .  I am so happy  the baby  seems healthy . 

[bigskygirl]

Congrats on the new baby!

I admit I do not care for the snow and cold where I live, but I cannot imagine the fires/mudslides and snow/freezing rain/freezing water in other parts of the country. We were hit with a terrible wildfire season last summer. Farmers and ranchers were hit hard, people lost their homes and pets. I hope the moisture we are getting now will not lead to another long hot wildfire season next summer.

[AUgirl]

Y’all ate probably the only ones who will “get” this: 

There is a teacher at our school. She’s a resource teacher so she doesn’t have regular classes so she’s always visiting with the other librarian. 

She’s a titter-er. It’s like being trapped with Kendra All. Day. Long.  She’s so immature and ridiculous it’s not even funny (not to mention I’m pretty sure she’s not doing her job because she’s in here tittering for hours at a time). 

[Love2dance]

@zoomama, so happy to hear your sweet baby girl is finally here. Wishing your and your family the best of news from her tests.

[bigskygirl]

17 minutes ago, AUgirl said:

Y’all ate probably the only ones who will “get” this: 

There is a teacher at our school. She’s a resource teacher so she doesn’t have regular classes so she’s always visiting with the other librarian. 

She’s a titter-er. It’s like being trapped with Kendra All. Day. Long.  She’s so immature and ridiculous it’s not even funny (not to mention I’m pretty sure she’s not doing her job because she’s in here tittering for hours at a time). 

Does she say like a lot and giggle until you may be tempted on telling her to shut up or slap her. I have worked with immature people before. My poor eyes could not take the eye rolling I did in response to the way they were acting. I also worked with a guy who sat next to me who make disgusting noises, smelled and would picked his nose over and over again. I asked to be move to another computer desk. I was tempted on hosing him down with a can of Lysol. I will now head off to the Prayer Closet.

[AUgirl]

6 minutes ago, bigskygirl said:

Does she say like a lot and giggle until you may be tempted on telling her to shut up or slap her. I have worked with immature people before. My poor eyes could not take the eye rolling I did in response to the way they were acting.

Yes. She also is “in love” with a co-worker who’s old enough to be her dad-he told her he’s not interested-so she whines about that too. 

[ginger90]

@ZOOMAMA congratulations to all !!

[bigskygirl]

13 minutes ago, AUgirl said:

Yes. She also is “in love” with a co-worker who’s old enough to be her dad-he told her he’s not interested-so she whines about that too. 

Hmmm... I know someone like her. She is actually a year older than I am.

[Sew Sumi]

@zoomama Congratulations! Hope the tests come back with better news than expected. 

Thankfully, I don't know any titterers. We're more the guffaw, belly laugh type. ?

Edited January 11, 2018 by Sew Sumi
stupid autocorrect

[latetotheparty]

Congratulations @zoomama And family!  What a lovely name they have chosen. ❤️

[Marigold]

@zoomama congratulations! 

[Arwen Evenstar]

4 minutes ago, Marigold said:

@zoomama congratulations! 

Yay, Zoomama!

[EVS]

Yes, Congratulations @zoomama!! 

[magpye29]

@zoomama, congratulations on the birth of Brennah!  So happy for you!

[ChiCricket]

Congrats @zoomama!

Aren't Grands GRAND?! <3

[Catfin]

Happy Friday, ladies! It's wine-thirty! 

[Jynnan tonnix]

50 minutes ago, Catfin said:

Happy Friday, ladies! It's wine-thirty! 

It's about wine-eighty-five here...mine is gone.

[Catfin]

41 minutes ago, Jynnan tonnix said:

It's about wine-eighty-five here...mine is gone.

Allow me to top you off. ? 

[Marigold]

Anyone watch that new series on TLC  Seeking Sister Wives? 

I kinda liked it! 

[Rabbittron]

1 hour ago, Marigold said:

Anyone watch that new series on TLC  Seeking Sister Wives? 

I kinda liked it! 

I watched it if it wasn't for Michelle Junior on the show I would have turned it off

[bigskygirl]

Went to see my physician assistant this morning. Got my left ear cleaned out since it has been bothering me for the last month. Waiting to hear about my blood tests results. My anxiety is still off its rocker. The roads were in good shape except for a few icy spots especially in the area where I live. The sidewalk is slippery since the snow started melting Saturday and refreezes at night. We are expecting black ice and freezing rain Thursday with about an inch of snow Thursday night. Not fun or drive or walk on, but it is better than what is happening back east, in the south or in California.

[Marigold]

1 hour ago, Rabbittron said:

I watched it if it wasn't for Michelle Junior on the show I would have turned it off

Right?

She was so sweet in her introduction part and then BOOM. psycho crazy lady. 

[zoomama]

7 hours ago, Marigold said:

Right?

She was so sweet in her introduction part and then BOOM. psycho crazy lady. 

 havent watched yet. it will be interesting if i can figure out which one you are referencing....

[Marigold]

8 minutes ago, zoomama said:

 havent watched yet. it will be interesting if i can figure out which one you are referencing....

You will know within 5 minutes. It's the voice....

[emma675]

Arwen, did you get snow? Once again, Dallas got nothing! 

[bigskygirl]

Good news is my blood tests results look good. No signs of infection, possible problems with liver, kidney and no signs of hypo or hyperthyroidism. My vitamin D levels are low, so we are looking at ways of getting my levels up. I am on a calcium supplement with vitamin D3 the thyroid specialist I see suggested because of my digestive issues and being at a higher risk for bone loss due to the blasted thyroid med. I will be trying something to help me sleep better. I had a really weird dream this morning involving the guys from the television show Emergency, the one book I was reading before going to bed, and the Winter Olympics coming up. Yes, it was a strange dream, and I could try to explain it, but all of you may think it is too weird. I know low vitamin D levels can cause certain medical issues to act up. I am crossing my fingers Helena gets a new sleep specialist at the local hospital sometime this year. At least I have a good medical team who actually knows what they are doing and want me to get healthier. The one sleep specialist in Great Falls is okay, but I do not care for the clinic he works at. I  would rather have my medical team in the same town and are willing to work together instead of doctors who work in a crappy clinic who for the majority of the time do not know what they are doing and having major problems with appointment scheduling and billing departments who have no clue what they are doing and refuse to answer your questions when it comes to reasons why you are charged a certain amount for tests and appointments, and why they keep changing your appointments around or not schedule you when they are suppose to do so.

[zoomama]

3 hours ago, emma675 said:

Arwen, did you get snow? Once again, Dallas got nothing! 

my kids did!! they are just north of waco.  heard waco got a fair amount. 

[lookeyloo]

1 hour ago, bigskygirl said:

Good news is my blood tests results look good. No signs of infection, possible problems with liver, kidney and no signs of hypo or hyperthyroidism. My vitamin D levels are low, so we are looking at ways of getting my levels up. I am on a calcium supplement with vitamin D3 the thyroid specialist I see suggested because of my digestive issues and being at a higher risk for bone loss due to the blasted thyroid med. I will be trying something to help me sleep better. I had a really weird dream this morning involving the guys from the television show Emergency, the one book I was reading before going to bed, and the Winter Olympics coming up. Yes, it was a strange dream, and I could try to explain it, but all of you may think it is too weird. I know low vitamin D levels can cause certain medical issues to act up. I am crossing my fingers Helena gets a new sleep specialist at the local hospital sometime this year. At least I have a good medical team who actually knows what they are doing and want me to get healthier. The one sleep specialist in Great Falls is okay, but I do not care for the clinic he works at. I  would rather have my medical team in the same town and are willing to work together instead of doctors who work in a crappy clinic who for the majority of the time do not know what they are doing and having major problems with appointment scheduling and billing departments who have no clue what they are doing and refuse to answer your questions when it comes to reasons why you are charged a certain amount for tests and appointments, and why they keep changing your appointments around or not schedule you when they are suppose to do so.

Well that is good.  I am assuming they determined your thyroid status with more than the TSH.  Mary Shomon is a great advocate on line and explains everything.  Sometimes I love those weird dreams!  If they are not scary then they are very entertaining!!