Small Talk: The Prayer Closet

[Jynnan tonnix]

And apparently, my inner thermostat is getting rusty along with the rest of me. I can't stand any kind of body heat next to me. I like air circulating around me (and often crack a window or turn on a fan in winter). I feel claustrophibic and want to claw my way out of bed if I "feel" crowded in my sleep. So...I'm a roamer. I technically moved myself to our guest room about 1 1/2 years ago. It saved my marriage. I'm not kidding. It really did. My husband (and I love him) is not a particularly nice man. If he has some stress at work, he is clipped and short, demanding. Not personable. Not a warm fuzzy. Can't be bothered with pleasantries or basic "niceness". We've had the discussion a hundred (a hundred thousand?) times about that one issue. I'm a very, very low maintenance kinda girl. I don't ask for much, and certainly don't demand much. But I demand pleasant. I need it, I crave it, and you will be respectful of your energy in my space. That said, I don't WANT to a) be "available" for Mr. Prickly by sleeping in close proximity or b) feeling all awkward every day about wanting to have a pleasant space. For me, it was a matter of sticking up for myself. It's fairly rare, in my world, but I did it. And it kept me from tossing him into the yard. I do love him (I love who he can be...), I truly do. But I hate that man who is him under stress. Our service manager keeps sending him home on Fridays. "Go ahead, man, I got it. Start your weekend early!" We've actually played rock, paper, scissors over who has to babysit the bear on Fridays. (We just talked about it this week, in fact - I'm hopeful we've reached a truce and he only gets to send him home every other Friday. Half is fair I guess). I'm oversimplifying, but I'm telling you, one day his head is going to explode. So so so many nights over 15 years, I've said (after he's bitten me for the 5th or 6th consecutive time since walking in the door, "k, pal. Conversation for this night is OVER. we'll try again tomorrow night. Text me if you need anything more tonight". Childish much? Absolutely. But. It's either that or walk completely away to preserve my own sanity.

I don't talk about it much, that we don't habitually share a bed. Ok, I never have admitted it before. I miss the "normalcy" of sharing the bedroom - you know, not trying to hide it from others. But I don't miss the rest at all. I LIKE having my space. [all this weirdness from a discussion about sleeping temps, right?]. I cannot, CANNOT sleep hot. If he turns up the house heat, I shut my door and turn the fan on. In the summer, that fan is on and pointed at me constantly. I want air moving. No kidding, if it's still and quiet or stuffy, i can't sleep. (I'm the weird woman wandering the halls in the hotel...completely harmless...but bug-eyed with claustrophobia/insomnia). I find I "do" better with windows. The guest room (now my room) has big double windows. But my best, deepest, most enjoyable sleep is in my living room. There are windows on either side of the room. The wall facing the secluded back yard is 80% windows and I love it. I fall asleep on the couch all the time in the light, airy openness of that room. Been trying for two years to figure out how to officially make it a bedroom.

 

So much of this struck a nerve with me...I don't even recall whether we have had parts of this "conversation" before but it sounds familiar...maybe I was venting at some other point as well. Like you, I am married to a "not particularly nice" man, though he manages, somehow, at the same time, to be one of the most selfless, generous and helpful guys you would ever want to meet. I have the UTMOST respect and admiration for him. I appreciate that I have a man in a million in so many ways. But he is also very bristly. Like you, I am really very low maintenance and crave pleasantness more than almost anything else, but like your husband, he will "bite my head off" (or in his case, more like giving me a glare as though I've just pushed his mother off the roof or something...he's not really a yeller, but rather very good at the silent treatment) over the least little thing. Unlike you, though, I'm horrible about standing up for myself. I always find myself apologizing over and over, even though I feel as though I'm being unjustly blamed for whatever, because all I want at that moment is for him to say, "it's ok" or something; to forgive me. And even after 30 years I haven't managed to break out of that cycle. Apologies annoy him, then I start to tear up, which annoys him even more, and all I want out of life by then is a hug, but he's not a hugger even when he is in a good mood.

It's not even stress that sets him off, though it certainly doesn't help. He's pretty much like that most of the time.

I love who he can be as well, but I find myself hating him just as often. I know I am depressed; I comfort eat and drink way too much and have little ambition to accomplish anything...

OK. I'd better stop wallowing...sorry about that. Sometimes I just don't know when to stop typing, but the anonymity makes it so easy, and I don't really have much I the way of real-life people to vent to. Besides, that would probably just aggravate them.

[BrianJ62]

I am a freak because I keep my house cold. I also cannot tolerate humidity, so I run my AC way more than most people. I get hot easily when I am up and moving around, and when I'm lounging around, I like to keep a fleece throw blanket over my legs. Luckily, I am not married. It's just my daughters and me, and they are used to living in a cold house. I also love to crack the window open while I'm sleeping during the winter. I didn't know there were others like me.

There is hope for me now that I know there are others like.

[theredhead77]

I hate, hate, hate being cold. I'm another one of those like lookeyloo, my insides get cold. I need to call the gas company to come light my furnace next week. Until then I'm running a space heater that seemed to work much better last year. I feel bad because my kitty has to sleep in the cold living room but he's got a couch and blankets to curl up under, and a fur coat.

 

I keep my bedroom heater (another space heater - my building was built in the late 20s) at 63, I have a tempurpedic mattress, flannel sheets, a down comforter, duvet cover and comforter on my bed. 

 

My parents have slept in separate rooms for almost 20 years. My dad used to snore, now has a CPAP and goes to bed early. My mom is a night owl that loves to sleep late. I wouldn't say they have the best marriage but they're still together and I think separate rooms has something to do with it.

[Happyfatchick]

If I could have, I would have pushed the "like" button 50 billion times, right there, Jynnan. I too, don't have the STAND UP FOR MYSELF gene, but have found my footing in this one matter. My tolerance meter was bursting and I stood up for myself. Bristly. EXACTLY. And I cried, I prayed, I begged, I suggested (even demanded) counseling. Then a couple years ago, said ENOUGH!!! Enough is enough is enough!!! We started to split assets and talk basics. We had sit-down level headed no heat (no pressure) discussions. Fortunately, we have the means to separate and both be comfortable, so it wasn't actually going to be horribly painful monetarily. And all I really ever wanted was peace. I don't really have a single other complaint about this man. Just be pleasant. Talk to me like you love me, or at least like me. I'm not your employee or your construction buddy. Don't bark, don't snipe, don't talk to me like you have contempt for me. Be respectful and pleasant. I will practically be your slave if you will simply be pleasant when addressing me. [it doesn't seem that hard to me!!!]

so anyway! we were seriously talking about it being over. But when it came right down to the nitty gritty, I discovered I love him as much as I hate the turmoil he puts me into emotionally. I look at his bristly self sometimes and wonder how on earth I put up with that every day. (So does everybody else). I love this quirky man. He really does have the ability to amaze and astound me still. He's the only Papa the grands have ever known. He belongs to them as well. I found I couldn't do it. I couldn't rip him out of my heart, or the family. (And you KNOW, living on the compound, as we do - it's an emotional upheaval for the whole flipping community if someone falls out of the circle).

But I could establish my space. In moving myself from his immediate space, I put up a barrier. It was a clear undeniable boundary line. This is MY space. You will not violate MY space by bringing your piss poor attitude in here. I will respect your space.

It's weird (in this era and in this country, anyway) and people who realize it look at me funny, as if I just discovered I'm gay or something. I don't recommend it for everyone, but I can say for me: it saved this marriage and my sanity. We still have our conjugal visits, but on my terms. If you aren't nice; I don't play. (The end). It's been very liberating and I enjoy it very much. But...that's me. Then the grands come to sleep over and sometimes there are bodies on every flat surface in the house. Last night I had 2 in my bed, 2 on the couches and 1 on the floor. I paced all the available ground space in the dark until 3 and then, when I finally couldn't hold my head up any longer, crawled in with Mr. Prickly. (I don't know why, but it makes me grin every time I type that).

[Love2dance]

My hubby and I are not TV/movie compatible and not always food compatible, but I am so grateful that we are temperature compatible. (My ex and I spent way too much time fussing about the heat and air in the house and car.) I would love to live in a bubble where it is 67 degrees 24/7. I find the older I get, the less I am tolerant of any weather extremes. But I would rather be cold than hot, for sure!

One thing that has really enabled us to sleep in the same bedroom is using a sound machine. We like the white-noise waterfall setting. It blocks all snoring and outside noises. The only problem is you do get dependent on it, and now we have to have one for travel, too. It sure is helpful, however, for blocking out the noise of early maids in the halls and noisy neighbors.

[Wellfleet]

My hubby and I are not TV/movie compatible and not always food compatible, but I am so grateful that we are temperature compatible. (My ex and I spent way too much time fussing about the heat and air in the house and car.) I would love to live in a bubble where it is 67 degrees 24/7. I find the older I get, the less I am tolerant of any weather extremes. But I would rather be cold than hot, for sure!

One thing that has really enabled us to sleep in the same bedroom is using a sound machine. We like the white-noise waterfall setting. It blocks all snoring and outside noises. The only problem is you do get dependent on it, and now we have to have one for travel, too. It sure is helpful, however, for blocking out the noise of early maids in the halls and noisy neighbors.

 

I have 3 different CDs of weather sounds - mainly thunder. Distant quiet rumbles and big storms, soft pitter-patter rain on the sidewalk and windows - torrential downpour rain and everything in between. And it is incredibly-soothing to listen to while falling asleep...

[Wellfleet]

You can page-back out of those. I too had been x-ing out and reopening.

I got a bunch last week and they were reported in the Site Business:Bugs. Wouldn't hurt to try to grab the address and re-report

Poor Dave. He's had quite a week.

 

You guys with the annoying ads - try 'AdBlock.' I have a MacBook Pro and love the AdBlock - I see absolutely nothing ad-wise on the Prev TV pages since installing it. I'm not sure if it's available for PCs, but I can't imagine that it's not. It's doesn't block ALL ads on all websites, but to me it's worth just having Prev TV cleaned up. Give it a try, you won't regret it.

[Wellfleet]

OK...random question...what temperature do you like to sleep at?

 I'll admit that I do like it cooler than most people; I really can't sleep in anything above 70 and preferably closer to 65 so I always end up having to blast the a/c during the summer. And during the winter I am happy enough to keep the house at 60 at night, though even cooler is even better as I just loooooove to bundle up in a nice hefty comforter, but can't do that unless the room is really on the nippy side (low 50's is great). Sleeping with the windows wide open during a frosty night is my idea of heaven. I'll compromise, though...as long as it's under 70.

 

My husband, on the other hand, though he doesn't like it overly warm hates to hear the a/c at night or to feel a fan on him while he sleeps. So he slept in the guest room almost all summer. And now that it's cooler, he's willing to sleep in our bed again, but if it's 65ish in the room I have to throw the comforter off to cool down (and then it's more or less fine) and it ends up either on top of him or wedged in the center so he feels as though it's taking up too much room. So he goes to sleep in the guest room. And if he's going to leave anyway, then I open up the window because at least I can be comfy. Which, of course, makes him feel as though I'm trying to kick him out...

 

So now he's complaining that he never gets to sleep in our bed anymore, and when am I going to start keeping the house at a temperature like "normal people" at 68-70.? Am I really so far off from "normal" for liking to sleep in a cool room?

 

And I'm not sure I get how if the room is at 65or so he has to find extra blankets to keep himself warm enough, but if my side of the comforter falls on him when I throw it off that is a bad thing. Uurgh! never mind, I'm just venting LOL.

 

I keep my house between 66 and 70 degrees year-round. And I like to feel the air moving, so I have a Vornado compact fan in every room and when they're on low, they make no sound at all. Very easy to fall asleep in hot weather if I have a fan on me. But I always end up waking up a little later and turning it off. I use cotton flannel sheets all year too. People are usually surprised but I don't find the flannel too warm in the Summer, probably because I have the fan on me so much. LOL. I just love the flannel's brushed softness. In the Summer I cover with just the cotton flannel flat sheet - usually no blankets. In the Winter I have the cotton flannel flat sheet, a down blanket and then a cotton waffle-weave blanket over that. The comforter gets folded at the foot of the bed. 

[Micks Picks]

I seek cold and moving air.  My living arrangements now would be so good if I could tolerate the heat of Palm Springs.  Last time I was there to stay with my BFF she left the temp on 80 to cool the place off in summer at night eighty and it set me off on a 12 hour puking binge.  I'd love to live out there because I think I could find accommodations and friends but would die after a day and a half even with my own environment as cool as possible.  I live by the beach, use air at night plus 2 fans.  Always sleeveless nightie all seasons, and heat off window cracked and at least 1, maybe 2 fans in winter, plus no covers on my shoulder area. When married, either he or I usually worked many miles away from home base, and separate bedrooms when he  (or I) was home.  His family was horrified.  Worked for us.  I need people and entertainment and everything close and convenient.  I've learned to let very little bother me.  I tolerate almost everything but intolerant people.

 

When I lie down I feel my body heat rising.  Horrible.  Have to get up and walk around and let the bed get cold again.  I pay more when visiting relatives because I don't want to tolerate their schedules, and likewise although I love my friends, it's really hard on me to try to keep a decent schedule when they are here.  I point out the kitchen and the food and tell them I don't know when I'll be up.  People disapprove.  Meh.  That's the way it is.   

 

It is inconvenient traveling with fans for the hotels, but I do.  Along with an extension cord, because I've learned my lesson.  But if you come to stay with me, I don't expect anything of you, and you may sleep as you please, watch tv in the bedroom or living room all night, whatever, I don't care.

[kalamac]

We've been having a heatwave where I am - every day over 41C (105F) for the past 4 days, and we went as high as 43.2C (109.7F) in my area. At night it's only been cooling down to around 35C (95F), but my house hasn't been cooling at all. I don't have air-conditioning, just a fan, and as soon as I move out of the fan breeze, I break into a sweat. Hideous.

But today I took a break from this horrible heat, and went to see the new Star Wars movie. It was amazing. Loved it so much I'm going to see it again next weekend.

And supposedly we're getting a cool change tonight with thunderstorms tomorrow. Can't wait.

[lookeyloo]

If I could have, I would have pushed the "like" button 50 billion times, right there, Jynnan. I too, don't have the STAND UP FOR MYSELF gene, but have found my footing in this one matter. My tolerance meter was bursting and I stood up for myself. Bristly. EXACTLY. And I cried, I prayed, I begged, I suggested (even demanded) counseling. Then a couple years ago, said ENOUGH!!! Enough is enough is enough!!! We started to split assets and talk basics. We had sit-down level headed no heat (no pressure) discussions. Fortunately, we have the means to separate and both be comfortable, so it wasn't actually going to be horribly painful monetarily. And all I really ever wanted was peace. I don't really have a single other complaint about this man. Just be pleasant. Talk to me like you love me, or at least like me. I'm not your employee or your construction buddy. Don't bark, don't snipe, don't talk to me like you have contempt for me. Be respectful and pleasant. I will practically be your slave if you will simply be pleasant when addressing me. [it doesn't seem that hard to me!!!]

so anyway! we were seriously talking about it being over. But when it came right down to the nitty gritty, I discovered I love him as much as I hate the turmoil he puts me into emotionally. I look at his bristly self sometimes and wonder how on earth I put up with that every day. (So does everybody else). I love this quirky man. He really does have the ability to amaze and astound me still. He's the only Papa the grands have ever known. He belongs to them as well. I found I couldn't do it. I couldn't rip him out of my heart, or the family. (And you KNOW, living on the compound, as we do - it's an emotional upheaval for the whole flipping community if someone falls out of the circle).

But I could establish my space. In moving myself from his immediate space, I put up a barrier. It was a clear undeniable boundary line. This is MY space. You will not violate MY space by bringing your piss poor attitude in here. I will respect your space.

It's weird (in this era and in this country, anyway) and people who realize it look at me funny, as if I just discovered I'm gay or something. I don't recommend it for everyone, but I can say for me: it saved this marriage and my sanity. We still have our conjugal visits, but on my terms. If you aren't nice; I don't play. (The end). It's been very liberating and I enjoy it very much. But...that's me. Then the grands come to sleep over and sometimes there are bodies on every flat surface in the house. Last night I had 2 in my bed, 2 on the couches and 1 on the floor. I paced all the available ground space in the dark until 3 and then, when I finally couldn't hold my head up any longer, crawled in with Mr. Prickly. (I don't know why, but it makes me grin every time I type that).

.

Sometimes it takes a lot of energy to keep standing up for ourselves. Mr lookeyloo is mostly wonderful. Sometimes he lives on my last nerve. For example yesterday I asked him to move the DirecTV genie from one room to the next. The TV and remote were there. He said "I don't think this is the right remote for this TV. ". I said "That is the only TV in this house of that brand" and he said "well its not the right remote". And I said " why would we have one remote and one TV both of same brand and no other in the house. This is the remote that goes with it". And he said "if you say so" in a snarky tone. If it weren't illegal I would ha decked him. How frustrating. But I think he knew and I didn't have the energy to argue.

[springtime]

An electric blanket/ throw makes a nice bed warmer for those of us with thermostats turned low (or those with no heat in their bedroom) - turn it on prior to going to bed and turn it off as you get in.

[MarysWetBar]

My house is kept very cool. At the "season of life" I'm moving through now, i want it even cooler..haha!

Plus I live in Canada, and i have better things to spend my money on rather than heating bills. I hear my Dad's voice in my head from forty years ago" put a sweater on".

HFC & JYN,I can really relate to your posts re "compromising" for the sake of getting along and not upsetting the status quo.

Funny aside: I have been seeing a therapist again as my PTSD had been slithering back in slowly but surely and i want to get a handle on it..so the therapist looks at me last week and says in her slowwww way she repeats back to me " you are not stressed at work as long as you are " left the hell alone, and fine at home if " left the hell alone"...

I started laughing and said i was cured already. Just leave me the eff alone to putter about in my world, doing things the way i like to do them, all my shit left where i want it stored, and the thermostat set where I am most comfortable.

I have officially turned into a grumpy old man! :)

Edited December 19, 2015 by MarysWetBar

[Tabbygirl521]

.

Sometimes it takes a lot of energy to keep standing up for ourselves. Mr lookeyloo is mostly wonderful. Sometimes he lives on my last nerve. For example yesterday I asked him to move the DirecTV genie from one room to the next. The TV and remote were there. He said "I don't think this is the right remote for this TV. ". I said "That is the only TV in this house of that brand" and he said "well its not the right remote". And I said " why would we have one remote and one TV both of same brand and no other in the house. This is the remote that goes with it". And he said "if you say so" in a snarky tone. If it weren't illegal I would ha decked him. How frustrating. But I think he knew and I didn't have the energy to argue.

In our family, this is called "Timming" in memory of the long-divorced Tim, who used to make my beloved sister nuts with this kind of thing. He moved here to Washington from out of state. It would be like, "Look, Tim, there's Mount Rainier." "No, it isn't." YES IT FUCKING IS! Argh!!!

Timming also includes eating food off someone's plate without permission (although you may invite someone to Tim; for example, "Would anyone like to Tim my French fries?").

Yeah, my sis nuked the dude decades ago but he lives on in our hearts.

[Porkchop]

I see an ad for State Farm insurance in Spanish ... I'm Scottish. And an ad for Henri Bendel in New York. Didn't I just say I'm Scottish? No Henri Bendel purchases for me!

[SomePity1066]

Suz at Large - I have that, too ! Even though I'm usually hot, and keep the thermostat at 60 (with the windows open !) even in the most bitter weather, when I get outside if I don't wear two pairs of serious, heavy-duty, mountain-climbing gloves I get frostbite. I've had it twice, and it's painful as hell, as I'm sure you know. Feels more like a burn, really, and leaves me crying harder than I've ever cried in my entire life.

 

One thing that has really helped was buying an old-fashioned fur muff that I found in a vintage store - looks absolutely ridiculous, like I'm about to go old-timey ice skating - but I don't care ! If I look like a Tornado of Crazy all winter that's just fine with me - I can look nice and normal inside where I won't run the risk of losing my fingertips...

 

Oh - for anyone here with a dog who lives in a snow zone - please check out Musher's Secret ! It saved my poor doggie's paws from the stinging, biting pain that the mix of snow, ice, and rock salt can cause. The poor thing - normally such a trooper - completely lost it and just collapsed in a heap of crying, whining, and howling because his paws were so painful, and we were still blocks and blocks from home. I had to actually put my coat down at one point so he could sit on it and I dragged him. He'd start to feel better, walk a bit, the pain would come back, and he'd flomp over on to his back in a pile of snow so his paws weren't touching it. It took an hour  to go maybe 500 yards, so I was grateful to the point of tears when my vet recommended the Musher's Secret. I swear I don't own stock in the company ! It's just a really great product, so I wanted to pass along the recommendation. 

 

I did buy him doggie boots, but anyone here who's ever seen YouTube knows how that usually goes. He will wear them, but he's so freaked out and distracted that he won't, umm...do anything, which is the reason we're outside in the first place ! Crossing my fingers for not a lot of snow this winter. 

 

In our family, this is called "Timming" in memory of the long-divorced Tim, who used to make my beloved sister nuts with this kind of thing. He moved here to Washington from out of state. It would be like, "Look, Tim, there's Mount Rainier." "No, it isn't." YES IT FUCKING IS! Argh!!!

Tabbygirl - Oh, my God ! I have the very same thing !!! In my case it's my ex, and it's called "Pulling a Tom" ! It usually involved trying to "fix" something by using the most inappropriate tool or implement imaginable, and breaking said tool or implement in the process. And not fixing the thing that was broken in the first place. Or breaking it more. The levels of frustration I endured couldn't even be measured - you'd have to have a seismograph or a geiger counter or something ! 

 

I have a permanently broken blood vessel in my left eye from what I can only imagine was a rage stroke I suffered while watching him hook up the cable to our new TV with a butter knife and masking tape. He was otherwise a lovely man, but every time I look in the mirror I remember exactly why we got divorced  ;)

 

Happy Star Wars, everyone !!! May the Snark be with you...

[kathe5133]

Ok, I can't put this on facebook because I'll sound like a bitch and hurt someone's feelings, but can someone explain to me what magic lies within the "like" button? (truly a rhetorical question) If I see one more deformed infant, mangled cat or dog, or bald child holding a sign saying "I just finished chemo, hit like". All of these posts have thousands to millions of "likes". WTF? Hitting like on Facebook will not restore the deformed, comfort the animals, and it sure as shit doesn't cure cancer! If these folks truly want to help, volunteer to raise funds for awareness of these deformities, spend time at your local animal shelter, offer to transport folks to and from chemo. I think they believe if they hit like they are showing all that they are kind and caring without having to even put pants on! I enjoy keeping in touch on Facebook, but I am baffled how an app that was designed to point college students to the nearest kegger has somehow become imbued with mythical abilities to cure the sick and feed the homeless! Ok, rant over....

Love to be cool when I sleep, but my house mates keep the heat on year round set at 75 degrees, (I live in the northeast, so there are definite seasons) and suplement that with plug in space heaters and sometimes running the empty oven with the door open, which can't be safe. I am upstairs in my room with the windows open and a two clear means of egress should fire breakout!

Never had a spouse, but my parents had separate beds and eventually separate rooms. At this point in my life if I were to cohabitate, I think I would insist on separate bedrooms. Sleep is important. I think more couples sleep in separate rooms than we know. It's too bad that it points to a "bad" relationship, cause that's simply not true. Everyone needs some space and the sleeping area is very personal. I think it's healthy for each to have their own space and would make time together, truly time together. Bravo to those who understand their needs!

[Jynnan tonnix]

Most of those posts are fishing for likes and shares as a means to get your info. Same with the ones which promise that you are in the running for a Disney vacation or whatnot if you just "like and share" .  I also can NOT  believe how many of these have strings of thousands of likes, and I get such shares eve from a lot of other people who are otherwise very level headed.

 

The ones that really steam me are the ones (there seems to be a real epidemic of them lately) which show someone with a birth defect or other such thing and tell you to "like if you think she is beautiful, scroll if you are heartless". Or the gauzy Jesus-y ones with lambs and/or American flags, etc., telling you to "Type Amen if you love Jesus, but scroll if Satan owns your heart". They are getting more and more blatant, and yet people keep on liking, liking and liking them.

 

I'm right there with you on that tirade :)

[crazycatlady58]

I also agree, I HATE, HATE, HATE the ones that try and bully you into liking something. Especially the ones that say if you like this God will do " Whatever", God does not work like that, He is not your fairy godmother.

[SomePity1066]

Me three! Extra love for that bolded comment. At this point I like FB for keeping in touch with relatives who live out of state and friends I have from former workplace(s). People are busy and I enjoy keeping in touch that way. But all that "like this" and "share that" and "if you scroll by this, it means you don't love Jesus" crap is so annoying.

<<THIS>>

 

It's why I don't have a Facebook account. I know, I know...how do I live ? Am I still a human being ? Do I live alone in a desolate bog and eat crickets and drink rainwater ? I'm not knocking anyone who does have FB, but I can assure you I'm just fine, and not conversing solely with a doll that I made out of bones and twigs, I swear !

 

The thing that really, really killed it for me with Facebook was the flurry of posts that made it into semi-legit media with the absolutely preposterous notion that there was a "world renowned surgeon" who would operate, for FREE !, on a little boy/girl with a brain tumor (or whatever) and save his/her life, but only if the child received one million Likes !!!  I actually got into an argument at work with an otherwise intelligent, articulate woman who swore up and down that this was a completely true and legitimate thing and I was a heartless, cruel bitch who would have blood on my hands if I didn't sign up to Like the story...

 

I said to her, essentially, "Think about it, please. Please. There's a surgeon out there who is betting on the life of a child on an erstwhile social media platform before they'll agree to do the surgery ? They're willing to gamble on the life of a child for a million of absolutely meaningless votes from total strangers on the internet ? They're going to go on record as the surgeon that let a child die because they didn't get enough Likes ? And you think this is a real thing ? That it's happening here, at some real hospital, with a real child...?"

 

Cut to a pink-turning-red face, figurative steam coming out of her ears, and a huffy, stomping walk out of the office. 

 

She never spoke to me again unless absolutely necessary, and I was happy as a clam with it. 

[Absolom]

Our priest used to say God is not a slot machine.

[toodles]

Our priest used to say God is not a slot machine.

As someone who lives in Vegas, the land of slot machines, I give you a big amen on that one.

But I think someone should clue the Duggars and the Sister Wives in on that one. It seems to be part of their financial planning.

Edited December 20, 2015 by toodles

[GeeGolly]

I agree more couples sleep apart then together. If you think back to the olden days people slept together due to lack of space and for warmth. Even in the not so olden days my sister and I shared a room and a bed, but my more fortunate brothers shared a room with bunks. And if you ask couples who do sleep together about their favored positions (hang on, I'm not talking about sex) most will say backs together, faces facing out.

 

My husband and I are relocators; we rarely wake up in the same place we fell asleep. He may fall asleep in the chair and wake up to pee, and then go up to bed. I may or may not be in the bed, and might be on the couch.

 

And our little granddog will relocate about 5 or 6 times throughout the night. The little hussy may end up sleeping with 3 different people on some nights.

[kalamac]

My big Facebook argument came when all these women I know were just posting a colour. Finally I straight up asked one of them 'why does your status say blue' and she forwarded me this private message that said 'post the colour of your underwear in support of breast cancer'. I wrote this huge post about how just writing a colour as your status does nothing to support breast cancer, especially if no one knows why you're posting it, and instead of following the command of some idiot chain message, maybe actually make a donation to cancer research and share a link to a reputable cancer research place so that other people can do the same.

Because seriously how is a random non-explanatory post supposed help anyone actually suffering.

[Love2dance]

Love to be cool when I sleep, but my house mates keep the heat on year round set at 75 degrees, (I live in the northeast, so there are definite seasons) and suplement that with plug in space heaters and sometimes running the empty oven with the door open, which can't be safe. I am upstairs in my room with the windows open and a two clear means of egress should fire breakout!

You are right, KATHE5133. It is not safe to run an empty gas oven with the door open. It can kill you. I almost learned it the hard way.

[kathe5133]

You are right, KATHE5133. It is not safe to run an empty gas oven with the door open. It can kill you. I almost learned it the hard way.

Actually, it is an electric oven, so no carbon monoxide fumes, but it's on, unattended in a house that is cleaned sporadically. It just seems to me that an oven is for cooking, not heating. When I cautioned the roommate, she agreed it's not safe and claims she just cooked something and left the oven door open to not waste the heat. Of course she was dining from a take out container so......... Once I went upstairs she turned the oven back on. I guess it is safe if I don't know about it? I came down unexpectedly and she ran into the kitchen to turn it off before I could see it was on. Like I won't notice that it's warm. She's a moron. And, as further proof of her moronacy (is that a word?) is we had this discussion last August. Yes, August, in New England. I think it was 73 degrees outside. She was freezing!

Not my forever home, just a means to an end, but I won't miss living here!

[Missy Vixen]

<<THIS>>

 

I'm not knocking anyone who does have FB, but I can assure you I'm just fine, and not conversing solely with a doll that I made out of bones and twigs, I swear !

 

 

I have FOUND MY PEOPLE.

 

One more FB category that works my last goddamn nerve: The OVERSHARE. You know what? I know that life sucks sometimes. I know people are sad and shit happens. Things are not always perfect. (There's been a lot of it on Small Talk; I'm grateful for a space in which those who are having a rough time can share and get support from others who've walked the same path. I GET IT, and I hope that things will get better. Truly. And I hope you always know that there's a woman in Washington State that stretches out a hand when you need a hand to hold.) However, I STRONGLY object to reading people on FB that need to call a therapist, friend or family member instead of getting on a public venue to write things they can never erase. And don't we all love the sub-Facebook -- the passive-aggressive posts that are obviously meant for one person and the poster in question seems to believe their entire friends list needs to read them?

 

IMHO, IMHO, IMHO. And if I haven't said so before, I am thankful for every one of you. If there's ever a get-together, I'm bringing the boxed wine.

 

p.s. Our house is at 65 degrees year-round. We also have flannel sheets on our bed year-round. And the bedroom window is open about 1". Year round. I do not like being cold, but I can snuggle in the down blanket on our bed.

[theredhead77]

I think more couples sleep in separate rooms than we know. It's too bad that it points to a "bad" relationship, cause that's simply not true. Everyone needs some space and the sleeping area is very personal. I think it's healthy for each to have their own space and would make time together, truly time together. Bravo to those who understand their needs!

 

What I don't get is couples who always go to sleep at the same time. I'm not talking about going to bed for sexytime. I mean every night they go to sleep at the same time even if one isn't tired. Maybe it's how I was raised (dad went to sleep early, mom is a night owl) or that I've been single too long but when my "it's complicated" is in town I go to bed when I'm tired even if he's visiting with friends, watching TV, whatever. He knows how to get to bed when he's ready to sleep.

[Jynnan tonnix]

Oh, how I wish I could share with my husband how may people actually DO keep their houses in the 60s and still keep windows open and/or fans on. Not sure what the best way to breach this might be, but it's still nice to know.

 

And all the facebook commiseration? YES!!..I would SO give it up right now except that between the fact that we have been a VERY long term military family, where virtually all of the closer (or even somewhat passing) friends and acquaintances have ended up way outside of driving distance, and all my family outside of my parents lives in England, facebook really is a bit of a life-raft keeping these various bodies of family and friendship afloat. I'm hating what it has become, but as long as it's the most convenient centralized location for all who are included into this circle, I guess that's the way it has to be.

[Micks Picks]

I always "unfollow" people.  That way I can look at their page if I want to, which I will maybe once a week.  Only a few people can post directly and show in my newsfeed.  Nevertheless, I still get tons of crap.  But if I did not "unfollow" all these people I'd never really see anything since I don't care to scroll for hours to see if anybody actually has something worth seeing.

[CherryMalotte]

My FB likes are for posts by my friends and cats.  Kittens too, I love me some kittens.  The sharing thing...yeah I have done that on occasion but try and be selective about it - there was a great cover of 'Nature's Way' done by Rodrigo Y Gabriela from their page that just beautiful, so I couldn't resist that.  I try not to share recipes or other pictures though, that's way too much.  

 

I hope everybody here is done with their Holiday stuff...I'm finding it incredibly hard.  I'm going to stay home tomorrow from running and try and clean up my pigpen of a house and wrap my daughter's gifts, since she's away at an anime con til Monday.  I really do think I'm taking a break from this nonsense next year...twenty years straight is enough.  I think getting to the point where you don't enjoy it, it's time to throw in the towel.  

 

This week I finished a photo book for my grandmother to have at the nursing home, I went thru piles and piles and piles of pictures, hundreds of them and assembled what I thought were the best of the lot starting with her and her sisters when they were young, to being newly married to my grandfather, then pictures of my mother and her brothers, and then ending with my daughter.  It's nothing special, I'm not a scrapbooking type of crafty gal, there's no backdrops, just the pictures themselves, but it's something she can have with her.  So many did not have any writing on the back to say who it was, and frankly I threw away a bunch of photos that had deteriorated, old negatives, and a bunch of people that I frankly didn't know.  I insisted to my uncles and mother that they were going to look thru these on X-mas Eve when they are here and take any that they want.  My plea to anybody and everybody - label your pictures.  

[Micks Picks]

CHERRYM  Won't have to worry about labeling pictures or putting them in an album.  They all seem to be on-line and strangely unfindable or deleted, never labeled of course.  Which is fine for the present moment but all you will recognize when you are in a nursing home is a plate of food.  Don't have to label that, looks good or it doesn't.  But I'm afraid photos are a thing of the past.  Sigh.  Kleenex in order.

[Happyfatchick]

My THING TO HATE on FB is people who don't address who they're speaking to (or at...) but just start talking randomness. I could post exact quotes, but I'm too lazy. They go like this:

"I sure wish people would mind their own business"

"I am so friggin tired of all the lies. Please don't speak to me if you can't do it without lying"

"Some people just think whatever they feel like saying behind your back is just fine and dandy"

"In case you've heard the rumors, we have not split up, and everything is just peachy"

Some of these people post sporadically, and no one could possibly have a clue what or who they are referring to - they're shooting arrows in the dark. My DIL posts these "lying" tidbits allllllll the time (and I'm talking every day) targeting my daughters evangelistic, big-heart-for-others, mission-minded, save-the-poor-Nicaraguan-child-prostitutes, narcicistic husband (her BIL). While it's funny to me, it's absolutely pointless. Those two have a mutual hatred for each other with the heat of a thousand suns. There is no possibility (including hell freezing or donkeys flying) that her intended target is EVER going to see anything she posts on FB. Unless I "share". And while it's tempting, I guess we have enough turmoil without throwing fuel on the fire.

[kalamac]

I also hate the ambiguous posts that they won't then elaborate on. My little sister used to always post things like "sigh. well I guess things just happen to good people then." But if you then asked her "what's wrong?" she'd follow up with "I don't want to talk about it."  Then don't post in a way that you know will have people asking. Grrr.

[NikSac]

I always "unfollow" people.  That way I can look at their page if I want to, which I will maybe once a week.  Only a few people can post directly and show in my newsfeed.  Nevertheless, I still get tons of crap.  But if I did not "unfollow" all these people I'd never really see anything since I don't care to scroll for hours to see if anybody actually has something worth seeing.

 

I do that too. If they're re-posting stuff from pages you're not interested you can also block content from those pages. That's how I finally got rid of all the damn game requests. I think that's why the especially pushy people insist that you copy and paste stuff into your status instead of just sharing.

 

I think my 'favorites' on FB are the ones clearly having relationship or coparenting issues and posting horrible nasty things about their ex, soon-to-be-ex, etc. Especially when they have kids who are also old enough to be on FB and see this stuff. I have two sets of friends doing this right now, but one's especially bad.  I'm fairly sure the woman gets drunk and starts posting all kinds of nasty things anytime she doesn't have her kids. She usually goes off on tangents for a few hours that make less and less sense (with more and more typos) as the night goes on, and then she deletes them all the next day. I found it sadly entertaining in that trainwreck kind of way until I realized her kids are listed as friends, and not only that they're listed as family so probably everything shows up in their news feeds. Ugh.  Poor kids.

 

ETA: ooh, ooh, and one more FB rant - the people who post every so often to find out who their "real" friends are.  If you're a real friend you'll like this post, reply to this post, tell me where we first met, post one word about me, etc. etc. etc. 

 

I really do like FB for the most part for keeping up with people but there are certainly some irritating things.

Edited December 20, 2015 by NikSac

[theredhead77]

I also hate the ambiguous posts that they won't then elaborate on. My little sister used to always post things like "sigh. well I guess things just happen to good people then." But if you then asked her "what's wrong?" she'd follow up with "I don't want to talk about it."  Then don't post in a way that you know will have people asking. Grrr.

That's called vaguebooking and is attention whoring to the nth degree. Once people quit responding it usually goes away. Or you can straight up post "someone is vaguebooking again..." and it tends to shut it down.

[NikSac]

That's called vaguebooking and is attention whoring to the nth degree. Once people quit responding it usually goes away. Or you can straight up post "someone is vaguebooking again..." and it tends to shut it down.

 

I'm so going to use this. I even know who I'm going to use it on!  (was that vague?? ;) )

[NikSac]

I think my 'favorites' on FB are the ones clearly having relationship or coparenting issues and posting horrible nasty things about their ex, soon-to-be-ex, etc. Especially when they have kids who are also old enough to be on FB and see this stuff. I have two sets of friends doing this right now, but one's especially bad.  I'm fairly sure the woman gets drunk and starts posting all kinds of nasty things anytime she doesn't have her kids. She usually goes off on tangents for a few hours that make less and less sense (with more and more typos) as the night goes on, and then she deletes them all the next day.

 

...and oh my is this one on a roll tonight!  Hopefully she sets her alarm for early and manages to wake up so she can delete everything. Whew.

[BrianJ62]

I'm so going to use this. I even know who I'm going to use it on! (was that vague?? ;) )

I think someone is a closet vaguebooker....

...and oh my is this one on a roll tonight! Hopefully she sets her alarm for early and manages to wake up so she can delete everything. Whew.

Layoff the pipe and/or bottle dude or dudette

Oops I'm sleep chatting again.

Edited December 20, 2015 by BrianJ62

[NikSac]

I think someone is a closet vaguebooker....

Layoff the pipe and/or bottle dude or dudette

Oops I'm sleep chatting again.

 

lol I'm not, I promise, I was just laughing at myself after my sorta vague post here. Maybe I'm a Vague-tver.

[kalamac]

That's called vaguebooking and is attention whoring to the nth degree. Once people quit responding it usually goes away. Or you can straight up post "someone is vaguebooking again..." and it tends to shut it down.

I started responding with made up reasons.

Her: I guess I just don't get to be happy.

Other person: Oh, honey why? What happened?

Her: I don't want to talk about it.

Me: I know it's hard, I'm upset that Chuck got cancelled too, but don't worry you'll get over it. You just need to find something else to watch.

 

That kind of thing.

[GeeGolly]

My current problem with FB is my MIL. She posts really stupid, and actually hateful (though I am sure she doesn't see it that way) political shit.  She actually unfriended my son years ago, then had my FIL call my husband to discuss the fact that our son has opposing political views. I find myself wanting to post political stuff (something I don't do) just to show her how thoughtless her posts are. She contradicts herself all the time too. My blood is even boiling now.

 

She sometimes makes the Duggars look tame.

[Catlyn]

I hate that this is going to be a presidential election year. I'm going to be busy hiding posts and unfollowing friends and relatives. Because of this, my posts will be full of kittens and rainbows to counteract the rabid political posts.

[lookeyloo]

I hate that this is going to be a presidential election year. I'm going to be busy hiding posts and unfollowing friends and relatives. Because of this, my posts will be full of kittens and rainbows to counteract the rabid political posts.

As if anyone had their mind changed from anyone else's Facebook post.

[Chicklet]

I love you guys, I feel so normal. I hate Facebook, all my family are hidden because they are batshit crazy and they don't know I can't see their insanity. Thank God my mother doesn't use computers because I'd be insane. Though her NY resolution is to get an email account and use it, ugh. Now instead of harrassing me on the phone, I'll get annoying emails. Fun.

 

And my mother sent me one of those awful letters for Christmas. And I just went to visit her for a week during Thanksgiving, so yea Mom I heard all this crap while I was physically WITH you. I also had the nerve to be sick as a dog during the visit and she was irritated with me over that. I'm so rude lol.

 

I lovingly kicked my husband out of the bedroom because he has the nerve to sleep like a log and I wake up every time he took a deep breath. And I like it cold in the bedroom so I can snuggle under my quilt. But I can't have a leg hanging out of the covers because of the monster who lives under my bed might bite it.

 

I'm another hermit who is so happy to be staying home with my husband over Christmas. Of course I'm working to catch up on things, at home at least but I never get to be at home over the holidays. So I'll be baking and sewing and writing crap for work but I'm happy.

[kathe5133]

And there are political groups on Facebook whose members believe they somehow are changing the world. My housemate sits at the computer, in her underwear, beer in one hand, cigarette burning in the ashtray and types, and types, and types. She and the other halfwits that are in these groups are convinced they possess the keenest political minds. When Facebook makes a change, as they often do, all of them are convinced that this change only affects them. You see, the government is monitoring their posts and changes Facebook to thwart them. I can't imagine why anyone would even care what these cretins are going on about! I advised her that if she and her ilk truly wanted to change the world they should start small. Put on pants and brush your teeth. But I'm a "sheeple" because I bathe, dress, watch mainstream news and leave the house. The internet really feeds into that mental illness. I am astounded at the numbers of folks who are truly mentally unbalanced!

[momofsquid]

I am so enjoying all the Facebook hate here. I too have hidden almost all my "friends" for various reasons. I can't stand my in-laws. I have relatives who think I should be interested -- even influenced by -- their political and religious views. My daughter looked at my Facebook feed and laughed, "It's nothing but ads!" Yes, but they're ads from companies that interest me, uninterrupted by drivel from drooling idiots. My kids are much more tolerant than I am. Maybe it's an age thing.

 

My two pet peeves, and they're sort of related, are (1) people who post maudlin speeches to dead friends and relatives and (2) those who post equally maudlin, fawning tributes to their children and pets on birthdays and other milestones. In both cases they're clearly not really addressing the addressee. They're only looking for attention from followers. They're not getting it from me. God bless you, Unfollow button.

[Absolom]

My two pet peeves, and they're sort of related, are (1) people who post maudlin speeches to dead friends and relatives and (2) those who post equally maudlin, fawning tributes to their children and pets on birthdays and other milestones. In both cases they're clearly not really addressing the addressee. They're only looking for attention from followers. They're not getting it from me. God bless you, Unfollow button.

The maudlin speeches to the dead are killers for me.  I've unfollowed all but one of the people who do that.  I can't unfollow that person, but I skip all of them.  If it isn't published on FB, then it didn't happen or no one knows?  I hate to tell them but generally no one cares either.  One woman I know has her maudlin whining down to a science.  She must keep them in a Word doc as she makes the same "I miss my granny" "tribute" every year.  It's been over 20 years now, honey.  Time to let her rest in peace.

Edited December 20, 2015 by Absolom

[GeeGolly]

I am so enjoying all the Facebook hate here. I too have hidden almost all my "friends" for various reasons. I can't stand my in-laws. I have relatives who think I should be interested -- even influenced by -- their political and religious views. My daughter looked at my Facebook feed and laughed, "It's nothing but ads!" Yes, but they're ads from companies that interest me, uninterrupted by drivel from drooling idiots. My kids are much more tolerant than I am. Maybe it's an age thing.

 

My two pet peeves, and they're sort of related, are (1) people who post maudlin speeches to dead friends and relatives and (2) those who post equally maudlin, fawning tributes to their children and pets on birthdays and other milestones. In both cases they're clearly not really addressing the addressee. They're only looking for attention from followers. They're not getting it from me. God bless you, Unfollow button.

Phew, I actually deleted my irritation about the repeated posts and tributes to folks that have passed, from what I posted above. My MIL does as least one a week - yehp every week. And her posts are transparently for garnering sympathy for her, not true feelings or tributes to those that have passed.

[theredhead77]

If you don't check in at the gym did the workout really happen? I'm glad Instagram has taken a lot of those types of posts away.