S24.E01: Premiere

[sadie]

On 1/7/2020 at 10:59 AM, Rainsong said:

Committing to a season of TB is daunting because one feels compelled to get to the final rose (and beyond) no matter how dim the prospects – and indeed no matter how dim the participants – are.

TB is a bit like music – most of the potential for originality is gone.  And if you come up with something you THINK is original – a melody, a chord progression – you find that someone came up with the same thing many years ago.  12 notes in the Western scale and all that.

And so TB is a victim of its own notoriety but especially its longevity.  At this point everyone’s in on the joke except, perhaps, for a few emotionally unstable, insecure males and females who pretend they know it’s all kayfabe but actually lose the plot when they declare ‘I was here to find love.’  With Instagram a hush-hush contract with an agent is no longer required.  With Instagram filters a professional photographer may be surplus to requirements as well.  Cue the string of photos that are so predictable they are like those compulsory skating figures that used to be part of the Olympics.  To wit:

1) Peace sign, usually with duck lips

2) Hat of some kind worn ironically or otherwise.  Cowboy.  Big furry Russian hat.  Baseball cap.  Knit watch cap (beanie).  Men’s hat (derby/bowler, Homburg, fedora, etc.).  Bicycle/motorcycle helmet - well, at least held in hand.  Watch the hair!

3) Sunglasses worn in conjunction with #1 or #2 above

4) Evening gown

5) Pic hugging dog.  Occasionally cat.

6) Family members used as props.

7) Beach photos.  Lots of beach photos.  Hundreds of beach photos.  Photos of surf, sand, docks, seagulls, turtles, iguanas, cabanas.  But mostly photos of themselves on the beach (natch) with hair and makeup done perfectly.  As you do.  Most beach photos involve strategic poses all laser-focused on camouflaging the thigh and bum area:  legs crossed while standing with all the weight on the back foot.  Standing on tiptoes so vertiginously that a violent rupture of an Achilles’ tendon seems likely.  The captions are equally universal:  ‘This is my perfect place’….’Already missing ______’ (an excuse to post another beach photo)…and, of course, some variation on ‘This is paradise’ – but not Paradise (capital P).  That probably comes later for the truly neurotic and desperate.

My usual disadvantage in missing the previous Bachelorette season but Hannah and the powers that be have pushed her incessantly on the public via cameos.  Hannah would show up at the opening of an envelope, as it were.  But I know next to nothing about Pete except he seems as shallow as the 2-minute video package featuring his mom hogging the camera so comprehensively that the crew may still be locked in her garage.  It’s a safe bet Pete’s got mommy issues.

The video vignettes for the females begin and they are as staged as WrestleMania.  A waxer ‘who runs her own business’ (read:  she rents a space in the Lenox Salon Lofts).  Model Hannah Sluss.  Nothing against models or the name Hannah (despite its current ubiquity) but remember the old days when a Joyce Frankenberg’s agent would change her name to Jane Seymour?  Sluss is just too easy to mispronounce intentionally or otherwise.  How about a stage name?  Hannah Stevens maybe?

Hey are they using the same table set for the various families or does everyone own the same table and area rug?  Are we really using those paper cell blinds on windows in the house?  I thought they were for ‘luxury’ apartments.  I have them in my garage but…it’s a garage.

Tammy’s a house flipper.  You can tell by the perfectly manicured hands and the manual screwdriver that she’s a paint-stained contractor (eye roll).  Boys’ wrestling team?  Oh boy.  Love travel a lot?  It’s hard to redo a kitchen when you’re in Cabo.  We’re three vignettes in and already a theme has developed:  these chicks want free airfare and lots of it.  Victoria activates the Devastating Personal Tragedy (DPT) alarm and will, undoubtedly, be in floods of tears upon arrival and throughout just as she is now.  Do full-on self-respecting attorneys share offices with Daddy?  Law firms full of relatives usually scream ‘ambulance chasers’ but Flanagan|Bilton (it came up quickly in a Google search as popular searches do) are all about fighting the man – the property tax man as it were.  If you’re a public school employee look away now.

We should really add a ‘railing shot’ counter to this site/section for every time a participant approaches, leans on or otherwise touches a railing near a body of water or on a balcony.

War Eagle Madison is also about travel.  Memo to the ladies:  Pete’s a commercial pilot but he doesn’t own a Gulfstream.  Maurissa is in the medical field and was a pageant girl.  For the really dense viewer unable to grasp these subtleties a shot of Maurissa in her scrubs taking off a prop tiara is included.

At this point it’s fair to ask if center-parted hair is a legal requirement in most states.  The drowned-rat look simply won’t go away.  A glimpse at magazine covers from the 60s, 70s and 80s shows an almost dizzying progression of hairstyles, some good, most bad.  But they changed – rapidly – in the days of the landline phone and the newsprint paper.  In the era of global instantaneous high-definition stereo-sound communications, however, we can’t advance beyond cleavage – on the scalp that is.

Speaking of cleavage, Alayah has arrived with her own and a dose of double-sided tape.  She’s got cans – sorry, a canned speech and a canned letter from Grandma.  Awww.  Sydney’s from Birmingham and has some snark for her Alabama predecessor.  Dewy-eye Hannah appears again and sets a speed record running through the poses:  the head tilt, the chin drop/thrust, the shrug.  Sarah becomes a sentimental favorite merely because her hair is side-parted.  Lauren is petite and ponytailed and arrives with cod psychology and the first mention of ‘journey.’  Drink!  Victoria is overwhelmed and on an emotional knife-edge as usual even though we barely know her.  Their dance is so awkward that, in the words of Mark Twain, let us draw the curtain of charity over the rest of the scene.  Mykenna surveys TB like a rancher surveys a head of cattle.  I’m trying to imagine what kind of hell would be raised if a the male did same to a female.  Maurissa raises the ‘journey’ stakes with a ‘be true to ourselves’ and joins the chorus talking VERY prematurely about marriage.  Kelsey’s a professional clothier from…Des Moines?  Does she do a brisk trade in designer flannel and mud boots?  Ugh our first prop (except for the letter)…Eunice is a flight attendant which saves a lot of time and trouble.  She can book her own deadhead ticket and knows the procedures at the airport hotel.  Bottle of champagne and all that.  Now we’ve got a parade of flight attendants.  Jade (best looker so far especially the raven hair and mercifully free of props).  Megan and her microphone.  Eunice is nonplussed.  Madison reappears followed by Tammy (already top of the annoying list).  A neon sign for Courtney reading ‘bunny boiler’ would probably be too obvious.  But she is.  Suitcase Kiarra.  Yawn.  Lexi isn’t listed as a ventriloquist but still talks without moving her mouth at all

‘It’s like an old car!’  Well, yes, girls.  Might we expect you to recognize a Corvette?  Deandra is wearing windmill blades.  The puns write themselves don’t they?  Dutch treat?  Grist for the mill?  Millstone around his neck?  Payton is also obsessed with her predecessor – all of them seem blissfully unaware that the last thing a bloke wants to hear about is his shortcomings, failures, near-misses, etc.  Eunice is being possessive and annoying again…I sense a trend already.  Here come some more screeching ‘4 timers.’  Oh God, it’s like being back on a school bus.  Victoria’s dry sense of humor really isn’t dry and really isn’t humor but it’s better than a double entendre about a cat that we heard in ‘Are You Being Served?’ decades ago.  Speaking of marking territory when a Bachelorette talks about ‘establishing myself’ look out for claws and hissing.  Jenna and her cow remind us that TB should have at least one preemptive black rose in which he sends a no-hoper home before she ever enters the house.

Blindfold girl, name mercifully missed, gives way to Kelley who claims to be on a mission from God which is appropriate given their mutual Chicago background.  The Blues Bachelorettes?  Avonlea is almost a parody of Texas blondes including her profession but the intimidation factor when she enters is interesting to watch, as is the body language whenever individual ladies feel tense.  The right arm reaches across the face in a defensive move as the hand grasps for the hair in a self-soothing gesture.  Once you see it you can’t stop seeing it.

I needn’t have worried because Hannah B is here amidst a chorus of shrieks and screams.  ABC seems hell-bent on casting her in something, possibly Good Morning America or 20/20?

A stultifying sequence of show and tell follows.  Hannah’s fingerpainting garners her a snog.  More gasps and shrieks.  Mykenna gets hers.  Hannah Slusses (you wish you'd said it) to the buffet again successfully and is reproached but Southern girls can wrong-foot the opposition rather smoothly by agreeing with their tormentor.   Hmmm Victoria F’s dry humor seems to have dried up completely.  Instead, she’s the new Ashley I having a meltdown.

In the least surprising result since the NBA Dream Team carpet-bombed the Olympic basketball competition, Hannah gets the first impression rose.  What a performer.  The batting of the eyes, the nodding, the leaning in.  ‘I cannot believe I got the rose.’  Mmm-hmm.  Pull the other leg – it’s got bells on it.  You believe it entirely.

A mid-episode RC.  Perhaps it makes up for late-season episodes in which RCs are ‘spontaneously’ interrupted and postponed.  Tammy demonstrates that she literally doesn’t understand the word literally.  Lexi is doing her Edgar Bergen act again.  Or maybe she has an undiagnosed case of tetanus.  It’s daylight now and there’s no attempt to disguise it – which means they spent nigh-on 12 hrs shooting (and probably reshooting) the arrival scenes?

Few surprises although we can be excused for hoping that Tammy was a red herring – lots of footage and interviews and a first-night exit.  Still, we can look forward to an early departure in the next ep or two.  Sydney’s rose shows Hannah in the background letting the mask slip.  The ‘greatest love story’ McKenna?  Let’s not get carried away.

Sarah might be a dark horse.  Kelsey is in agony.  Maybe it’s from wearing heels that long.  Shame Pete can’t see the interviews or he would hear The Music Man warn us that Kelsey from River City is trouble – starts with T.  More red-herringness is avoided when Victoria F snatches the last rose.

Which means Jade, sadly, is off home.  So is Maurissa – aha!  The Red Herring revealed!  She will no doubt be asked if her passport is in order for a trip to Mexico.  Pro Sports Dancer & her Mr Bigglesworth are gone.

ENTR’ACTE

And this, ladies and gents, is why I no longer watch this show and only read your comments. I “literally” had to keep myself from laughing out loud so my coworkers can’t tell I’m not really working. 

[Kiss my mutt]

You gotta think Hannah B joining the house would be justice to have her demoted like that. As much as I want her gone, watching her have to compete for her fourth choice would be quite the delectable schadenfreude for me. 

[Wandering Snark]

All I could think of at the end of the show was "Wait, haven't I seen this 'Hannah can't decide' season already?" I mean it seemed normal proceedings at first but then it once again became the All About Hannah Show, Season 2 pilot. Last I checked she doesn't have the equipment to be Bachelor and had her turn already.

[nlkm9]

lol

[Lamb18]

Finally watching this now. First thing that struck me was the faux 2001 Space Odysseus background music in the opening scene. 

[Lamb18]

Hannah S from Knoxville is very pretty.

[Lamb18]

I think Peter likes the cow best so far. Nice little Jersey cow.

Edited January 8, 2020 by Lamb18

[Lamb18]

I'm getting tired of Hannah Ann.

[call me ishmael]

1 hour ago, Lamb18 said:

I think Peter likes the cow best so far. Nice little Jersey cow.

I can’t speak for Peter but I certainly thought she had the most genuine reactions of anyone on the show.

[Lamb18]

Barfing girl reminds me of Demi, especially when she wears her glasses. 

[Lamb18]

Madison is a nice girl. But now I'm thinking of state capitols used as names. Olympia, Juneau, Lincoln, Augusta, Phoenix, Jackson, Seattle, Helena, Pierre, Austin. I wonder if there is anyone named Topeka or Little Rock or Montpelier.

[Lamb18]

Tennille has a nice voice but I wonder where the Captain is.

[Lamb18]

Hannah B, go away! You already had your show(s). Give someone else a chance. And the windmill stuff is getting old. It's like your boyfriend's ex wanting to be your best friend.

[Lamb18]

The very end with Ashley was the best part! When I've walked a cow, I like to put my arm around her shoulders and walk side by side, leaning against each other. But that only works with cows that know me.

[Sweet-tea]

9 hours ago, sasha206 said:

YES!  Big rubber face, for sure.  Does she have fillers in her cheeks?  Whatever the fuck she is doing, she actually looks more like a 45 year old with plastic surgery.

I was shocked by her age. She looks at least mid-30s to me. 

Agree that romance seems gone from this show and has been for several seasons. Remember when the Fantasy Suite was a mystery? They didn’t show much or talk about it. Now they make a big deal of showing the couple having breakfast in bed the next morning. They may as well hold up a sign saying, “We did it!” 

It’s just one of the many ways this show has gotten more brazen over the years. 

Edited January 9, 2020 by Sweet-tea

[EllenB]

Peter looks like an overgrown boy now with his chubby widdle cheeks, and I guess that's why he's trying to disguise it with scruff.  But by the time he's in his mid-30s, those chubby widdle cheeks will start to sag, and eventually he'll look like Nixon, but with thin combover hair.  Bang 'em while you can get 'em, dude.  Tick tock.

Edited January 9, 2020 by EllenB

[LuvMyShows]

A few observations:

The producers should not feel the need to have all men appear shirtless.  Not that Peter is unfit, but he doesn't have a shirtless-chest body.  Plus having him drink from the hose when washing the plane, and then sort of shake off the water, was absurd and very un-sexy.

As has already been mentioned, lots of misuse of "literally"...I just don't understand it.

I had liked Maddie, but she used "like" waaayyy too much, and it irked me when she said she was looking for "someone to do life with". 

I have to admit that I was tickled by how Hannah Ann handled Shiann's attempt to confront her...it just left Shiann so flummoxed, which was hysterical.  But I didn't like how Hannah Ann referred to herself in the third person....I think it was right before asking for the kiss.  It's just so bizarre, almost like she was portraying some sort of junior-grade femme fatale.

Alayah presented as though her Grandma Rose wrote the letter for Peter, but it was addressed "Dear Bachelor", so it was completely generic and not at all the touching gesture that she was portraying it as.  Busted!  Although given the dress she was wearing, I think she would consider usage of the word "bust" to be flattery!

[TomGirl]

15 hours ago, Lamb18 said:

I wonder if there is anyone named Topeka or Little Rock or Montpelier.

Well, there was a St. Paul.  But you’d probably never see him on The Bachelor.

[valen]

On 1/7/2020 at 8:31 PM, Sweet-tea said:

The producers probably put her up to it, but she should have said no. It was tasteless and unnecessary. She had her chance with Peter and she rejected him. He wasn’t even second. He was third! Go away, Hannah. 

She is contractually obligated for at least a year. She legally can't say no.

[Mu Shu]

Ok. The video is up. I can’t get the link to copy. Go to YouTube and look up Mu*Shu TeeVee. It’s not bad. 

[JenE4]

2 hours ago, Mu Shu said:

Ok. The video is up. I can’t get the link to copy. Go to YouTube and look up Mu*Shu TeeVee. It’s not bad. 

Brava, MuShu! That was fantastic! Your Jodie Foster and LensCrafters guy circa 2014 impressions are on point! I think I laughed the hardest at (paraphrased): Peter, the FAA wouldn’t allow a civilian or even a licensed pilot such as yourself land a plane in the driveway of a residential neighborhood. 
You’re the first YouTuber or social media influencer of any kind that I’ve ever subscribed to.

[JudyObscure]

Mu Shu on Youtube!  Yay! 

I expected you to look more like my favorite Chinese dish, but you're really cute even without the plum sauce.

I'm glad you noticed how tacky Shiann's dress was.  I may be the only one who observed that when she turned around and bent over there was a totally sheer area the size of a plate over her rear-end.  

Funny recap, keep it up!

[hyacinth]

 I laughed so many times while watching the MuShu recap.    First of all, you're sitting on a toilet.    Which is all the respect this season deserves.    I actually paused the video to go into my bathroom and decide if I could get that same shelving over my toilet.   I think I can.   I think I might.   

So many funny lines.    I'd write them down, but I don't take notes.   🙂

You have great hair, by the way!     

Please keep up the recaps!      It will make the season even better to watch.        

Edited January 10, 2020 by hyacinth

[jumper sage]

On 1/8/2020 at 7:17 PM, Lamb18 said:

Barfing girl reminds me of Demi, especially when she wears her glasses. 

DAMN YOU @Lamb18.  Now I have to scroll through.

7 hours ago, Mu Shu said:

Mu*Shu TeeVee

Writing reminder to stop stalking Ben Hardy on youtube and to look at this @Mu Shu.

Hannah appearing on this looks like a loser.

[Haute Messe]

Mu Shu, that was hi-larious! Lol especially at making fun of a bald cat - that's not even woke. Your recaps might be incentive to keep watching this shit show. And by the way, you do not have fat arms!

[Mu Shu]

Thanks you ‘uns. I plan to keep broadcasting from the tolet. I’m also going to start 90 Day Fiancée, hopefully with 110% more Darcey. 

 

[rebel2u]

Yay!

Love it!

Keep posting!

[EllenB]

19 hours ago, Mu Shu said:

Ok. The video is up. I can’t get the link to copy. Go to YouTube and look up Mu*Shu TeeVee. It’s not bad. 

Mu Shu, will you accept ALL of the roses, from this and every season since this show's inception? 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

[chocolatine]

On 1/6/2020 at 6:12 PM, JenE4 said:

Oh, damn! Trying to confront Hannah as the “villain,” but she was polite and didn’t fight back so...now what? {blank stares} This is unprecedented. Hannah is 100% my  favorite now.

I thought that was a classic "mean girl" move. Poor Shiann has no hope of lasting much longer if she can't handle a stealth bitch like Hannah Ann.

On 1/6/2020 at 6:51 PM, nutty1 said:

You know we’ll be seeing teacup girl on BIP! 

She's the new Annalise! 

On 1/7/2020 at 5:42 AM, calpurnia99 said:

She was crying because her time was in the past, now one of these girls will be the next bachelorette, Peter will be off to Europe and on TV and she has to head back to Bamy AND she has no man.  Shes finished and washed up, this is why she is sad. 

She was crying because the producers told her to cry. She was filming DWTS at that time, so still very much in ABC's pocket. Nobody can convince me that this wasn't a setup to stir up drama, since Peter is so bland on his own.

On 1/7/2020 at 10:47 AM, Arkay said:

At this rate, I wouldn't be surprised if she starts spiraling down through everyone she booted, ending up telling her first night bootees that she was "confused" and "made a mistake."

Like the first season of Burning Love!

[JudyObscure]

 

5 hours ago, chocolatine said:

I thought that was a classic "mean girl" move.

Me too. Shiann ought to steal Hannahann's best gown and wear it to the next RC, saying, all wide eyed and innocent,  "Oh, did I do wrong?  I didn't know we were going to be all strict about whose clothes were whose."

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 11, 2020 by JudyObscure

[Artsda]

Hannah is pathetic. Shes just going back to every guy she ended it with for Jed? First Tyler, not Peter? Who is next?

Peter's family is nice, look really close knit and their house is nice. Enjoyed that date and it made me like Madison.

[Dejana]

In this interview, Peter says he kissed 12 women on Night 1! He gets some "what happens next" sort of questions and the answers aren't spoilery but some people like avoid that sort of thing:

 

[Mrs. DuRona]

I was watching this the other night while Mr. D was watching something on his computer.  He'd pop up every now and then and make snarky comments.  He is now 100% on board watching this with me every week.  YES.

I totally get the poor women who are crying as though their kitten just got run over if they can't get their personal time with Peter, find love, etc.  I don't know how late they started the party, but it was daytime by the time they were done.  They were all hella drunk, the excitement had worn off, and they were exhausted.  I'd be bawling my eyes out, too.

95% of those women are there because Peter is a pilot (lots of "I love to travel" comments) and can fly them places and/or because he went four rounds in a windmill with Hannah.  4% to get their 15 minutes of fame (22 year old fashion blogger, I'm looking at you and your crazy eyebrows).  1% for the "right reasons".  

So far, I like Victoria P. (poor girl, I feel her pain.  I can't do spinny rides, either.  I was actually getting queasy watching her on that thing).  She is pretty, but not "worked on" pretty (Kelley).  

The house flipper can flip right off.  She annoyed me from the get-go.  Victoria F. has to be a producer drama plant.  Girl is INSANE.  

This show is a hot mess, and me & Mr. D are here for it.  Bring it on!

[Stan39]

On 1/7/2020 at 1:59 PM, Adeejay said:

Shannon! Lovely, beautiful Shannon. I believe she was the one Alex really wanted, but she refused to join him in the fantasy suite, while the other two did. Bettina (Brad's first season) and Shannon are two of my all time favorite Bachelor contestants. In my humble opinion they are the epitome of class. Hope they are both happily married.

I am curious. Is Hannah B a big ratings draw for ABC? The reason I am asking is because she appears to be popping up all over the network.  Won't be surprised to see her on a sitcom or playing a nurse on one of their medical dramas in the near future.

 

 

Colton’s season ratings were up, Hannah’s season ratings went up, BiP ratings were up, and apparently this season premiere was up over Colton’s season. So, expect ABC to keep pushing more of these storylines (virgins are interesting, Hannah B is a feminist hero, talking about sex among morons is interesting). They think they’ve figured out the formula, and from a business standpoint it’s hard to argue with their philosophy (which is why I’m not watching these shows anymore, it’s the only thing they’ll “listen” to). 
 

My question is, how are ratings up? Every other “good” show is happy just to stay steady or lose viewers slowly as people have more and more options of stuff to watch. Somehow ABC has tapped into a new viewer demo while keeping all their old viewers?

[CrazyDog]

I have barely watched this show in recent years, but for some reason I read these threads. Go figure. You all are amazing and make it worth the pain.

And though I do not find Peter appealing in the slightest, I got sucked into the premiere. The literally (drink!) endless, like-filled premiere. WHY. 

This is a great looking bunch though, and as has been pointed out, some actually have grown up jobs.

I like the non-crazy Victoria, and I actually felt like her backstory was a genuine one.

Hannah Ann really is a stealth, unflappable bitch. Which means she's going to be around for awhile.

Victoria F, what the hell.

McKenna(?) is definitely ramping up the early crazy.

The lawyer who worked with daddy - I swear there was a quick shot of her in the office with him, where he had a big gorgeous desk and she looked like she was working on a card table, I may have imagined that.

I loved the cow. Sorry, the "pony" - oh dear.

Hannah B...sigh. I don't hate her, but why, oh, why. I really can't blame the rest for being icked out by her 4 TIMES, BITCHES declaration. I mean, what exactly does a contestant do with that information? "Great job, Peter! Let's find a new energy-producing building to copulate in, and go for 5!"

Damn it. I'm totally watching this season.