Jump to content

Type keyword(s) to search

19 Parodies and Counting: The Goofy Thread

Aja

By Aja
in Counting On

  • Reply
  • Start Topic

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 579
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Popular Posts

Wok Chop
Wok Chop

A few weeks ago I mentioned that fundie girls need a fashion magazine. And I was bored today: http://imgur.com/T2AVHSp

Malvina
Malvina
dillpickles
dillpickles

I can't believe no one went for hairspray. .. Get it?

Posted Images

Julia

Julia

(edited)

#whateverthecost.. we know what the cost was to Duggar's credit card!

Oh, that. Spoiler tagged for longish/political content.

 

The two of them lost their HGTV show (which hadn't started yet) over some tasteless comments they made about teh homoseckshewells (I'm pretty sure you can oppose gay marriage without referring to a demonic agenda). They would, of course, do it again, because God. That was the hashtag they started up when #flipthisdecision failed to catch on. (Don't judge, I spend a lot of time waiting for files to process).

They have since landed soft at WorldNewsDaily, a 'news' site run by a guy who was fired from the editorial board of the Wall Street Journal for being too irrationally right wing (which is sort of like being fired by PETA for being all judgy about bacon), and owned by a guy who's still in prison for trying to have the judge on his tax evasion case murdered. The Benhams are joining such deep thinkers as tax evader guy's son, Vox Day (you may know him as the guy who tried to freep the Hugo awards this year. He thinks Hitler's final solution should be our model for undocumented mexicans), John Rocker, Victoria Jackson and Ted Nugent. 

I think having a picture taken with Josh wouldn't even make the first ten in a list of embarrassing facts about the Benhams.

Edited by Julia
  • Love 3
Link to comment
satrunrose

satrunrose

Reading up on Joshie's 'treatment' I'm thinking the Duggar's next venture should be Fundie Intervention

 

I can see it now...

Jimbob: (insert name here), Jesus loves you like crazy but...

 

and the final screen

 

"Joshly left treatment after 3 days when some Jezebel walked by rehab with her knees and collar bone exposed. Josh is now living in a brothel and is forever DOOOMED! (cover up ladies!)"

  • Love 2
Link to comment
Guest

Guest

amy-duggar-wedding-photos-portraits-06.j

 

Amy: "Behold the glory of my uncovered shoulders!"

Anna: "I'm fine. I'm great. I'm awesome... No. Really... Never been better!"

Meredith: "You're not my mother. Hand me back to Jana."

Jill: "This is the face of your future midwife and this is the hand that will catch your baby... hopefully." 

Jessa: "Hey, everyone! Remember me?! ....I'm gestating human life!"

Mack: "And then Amy and Dillon kissed, and I was like...ugh..."

Jordyn: "What she said... Just ugh."

Josie: "These leggings under this dress look really stupid, right? ...I'm too embarrassed to even look at myself."

Jinger: "Welp. I've accidentally sealed my eyes shut with bronzer again."

Joy: "I'll be 18 in October, boys! Get those headship applications ready!"

Johanna: "What the-... Is Joy blowing a kiss before her wedding day?!?! That hussy."

Jenny: "I had fun once... It was awful."

Jana: "I know what you're thinking... I can't believe I'm related to these people either."

Link to comment
zenme

zenme

(edited)

Holy moly! Jinger is positively orange.  (In an odd coincidence, I believe George Hamilton is originally from Arkansas!)

Of course, Jill just HAS to make that stupid face with the eyebrows. 

Jessa needs a better bra, but in the meantime she can place her hair in front of her breasts--mermaid-style. Those things are sagging!

Edited by zenme
  • Love 3
Link to comment
Guest

Guest

(edited)

Holy moly! Jinger is positively orange. 

 

Right?! I'm an only child, but I've always thought that the greatest benefit of having a sister (or eight!) would've been having someone who could say, "Hold up, girl. You're not leaving the house looking like a Cheeto."

Edited by Guest
Link to comment
Wellfleet

Wellfleet

You are NOT my senator, Jim Bob.  Keep your mitts off him!

 

True story:  When Al Franken was first running for Senator he had a lot of meetings around the state at which he would not accept donations.  He just wanted to meet people.  He is so my guy.

 

Also, that photo is not at all gay.  Oh no.  :)

 

Me too! Have loved Al Franken with a passion since the first SNL broadcast - when I was a sophomore in college, October 11, 1975. Loved it when his little boy appeared with him too, at least once that I can remember. Scary-smart is exactly the right term too. I was on pins and needles while that crazy Minnesota Senate race was being recounted or whatever.  So happy for him, and the state. You go Al!

  • Love 1
Link to comment
JenCarroll

JenCarroll

Johanna: "Whoa, Amy forgot to wear a shirt with that skirt."

Jenny: "I wonder if maybe I can get something to eat or drink at this wedding... That'd be cool."

Amy: "I am totally the cutest Duggar!"

Jessa: "I am totally the cutest Duggar!"

Josie: "Shut up, neither of you is even a Duggar anymore and anyway MAMA SAID I'M THE CUTEST DUGGAR!" (foot stamp)

  • Love 5
Link to comment
MarysWetBar

MarysWetBar

Jessa:I'm ready for my close - up.

Jana: I'm strategically holding up Jessa's breast with my shoulder as she didn't purpose to wear a bra today.

Anna:FML

Amy:I hope i get "this many"dollars for snitching to In Touch and People.

Joy:You just stained me with bronzer, you effing oompaloompa!

Jinger:I'll get Ben before my mother does.

Jill:It'd be totally surreal and awesome if you like put your donations right here.

Johanna:Naked cake, my ass. I've got gas pains from hell.

Jenny:Somebody call Angelina and Brad for me. STAT.

Jordan:First pair of runners i can find in that house that fit me, I'm gone.

Mack:Higher IQ than entire combined back row, bitchessss.

Josie:*cricket sounds* OR "I'm still traumatised by my exit from that gaping huge slip and slide she calls a vagina."

  • Love 8
Link to comment
babyhouseman

babyhouseman

Amy: Don't look at the baby. Look at meeee!
Anna: Thumbs up if you're married to a pervert.
Meredith: I never even got to be on their stupid show. 

Jill: Put your money on my hand for our, um, missionary work.
Jessa: Give me a show!
Josie: Must not lick. Must not lick.
 

  • Love 4
Link to comment
Joe Jitsu913

Joe Jitsu913

(edited)

This is the story of my family and my wooooooonderful husband, Rim Job. We buy Walmart hairspray, perms, pickles, and pregnancy tests in bulk because, well, even a combination of our two intellects yields a double digit IQ, which, of course, brings me to our 19 woooooonderful blessings. Give or take a few, we have: Alleluiah, Amen, Armageddon, Beatify, Bornagain, Biblelicious, Canticle, Coitusyay, Catechism, the twins, of course: Dim and Dull, Deuteronomy, Ecclesiastical, Enuresis, Encourage, Fecundity, Farce, Fellatio, and our newest little blessing, Gazillion. AND I DELIVERED EVERY ONE OF THEM!!!!

We have VERY conservative FAMILY VALUES (or as I like to always remind the blessings, 'our values are holier than anyone else's'), and, so, we proudly & publically hate on: abortion, alcohol, contraception, critical thinking skills, dancing to devil music, math, gay and transgender rights, women's rights, public schoolin', real science, any female of short hair and/or skirt, and, well, golly, basically ANYONE/ANYTHING that is not EXACTLY like us. These VERY conservative FAMILY VALUES are in the Bible - look it up in your next family Bible Hour.

We believe in Patriarchy because Rim Job likes females to ever remain his itty bitty widdle girls. And that is why I purpose to always use my best Minnie Mouse voice and limit my vocabulary to monosyllabic words, plus, I keep my hair long and permed, JUST THE WAY DADDY LIKES IT. I fix Rim Job's sandwiches ON DEMAND (wink, wink, if you know what I mean) because THAT is THE key to a happy marriage. Yes, even when I'm all blessing' d out for the day and want to collapse into a hot bath alone for a few minutes, I know that MY needs should never, EVER come before my woooooonderful husband's. Any expectation of equal marital respect and rights just isn't godly. And you know ... That's ok, because I never have to strain my brain with any pesky individual thoughts or the development of my own opinions because my Patriarch is my PROTECTOR from all that so that I can remain focused on my one true, God-given purpose, birth in' my Patriarch's babies, as a show of my Headship's virility and god-manliness. He loves winning the annual ATI Quiver Count competition!!! Who's The Man? My Rim Job!!

We are so grateful that God laid it upon our hearts to adhere to the beliefs of Bill Gothard & Jim Sammons. Because WHO but a celibate, never-married old man could possibly possess more wisdom and genius about marriage and family life? And Jim Sammons can be proud that we happily shoved all our blessings into overly-cramped hovels until Rim purposed to have TLC build us a holy Tinker Toy House. No sireee, no debt for us true believers (well, except for some minor back tax issues one of our blessings has racked up, but we are sure this was a mere oversight due to his busy schedule of Patriarchin', bible readin', and sleepin' through his wife's toilet births, nursin' and blanket trainin' his own passel of blessings).

Yes, we have full faith that the one-two punch of Gothard + Sammons GUARANTEES godly offspring and that is why we never trust our blessings to sweet fellowship with 'The Others', lest they be tempted to have a thought that deviates from our Wisdom Book instruction. We so trust our own parenting skills and our children that we insist on chaperoned courtship, preferably with a partner chosen by Rimmie J - because WHO knows best what & who Daddy's widdle girls SHOULD want?

Now, you may have heard the liberal media gotcha's about our oldest blessing's 'bad choices'. Yes, worldly women (& sometimes even his own prepubescent sisters) have tormented and tested his godly will. Satan purposed to pull our son from his godly work of hatin' on nonconservatives, and proceeded to dance on our son's tender heart, and, well, let's just say the words "Ashle" and "Madison" are now permanently banished from our family's lexicon. Our forgiven son is now serving his time in a faith-based facility because the exact same approach worked so well when he was a teen & because 20+ years of nothing but bible readin' have already PROVEN their obvious effectiveness. This latest stint in the faith-based facility will ensure our boy will forevermore stand firmly against the machinations of Satan and the Internet. As Rimmie and I like to constantly remind our blessings, there's simply NO SUCH THING as 'too much' bible readin', and we don't need any outsiders, with their fancy real school Psych degrees, planting sinful seeds from the secular world.

And, so, now, as the Arkansas sun slowly sets over the toxic mist of the Tontitown Landfill across the street, I will close with the hope you will purpose to contribute financially to our family's 'ministry' (now that those TLC bucks dried abruptly and unexpectedly up), as we March, lockstep, forward, maintaining our oh-so-godly and debt free status (despite the veritable car lot of family gas guzzlers and airplane).

Watch for 'The Returneth of the Prodigal Son! V2' coming soon to a god channel near you, in which our now-healed son will dutifully and tearfully pronounce his deeply deep remorse & repentence and his glorious and permanent resurrection and redemption (thanks to that faith-based facility Rim J and I locked him into until he got his godly head back on straight). It's sure to be fun and holy viewing for the whole family on a Devil Box, aka TV, near you.

Lexicon is such a big word for the Duggars. I doubt any of them know what it means.

I would love for Michelle to read your post. Half of it would probably fly over her mulleted head.

Edited by Joe Jitsu913
Link to comment
JenCarroll

JenCarroll

WHO ARE these two???? and do you think they hang out in two separate closets or just the one?

New around here, are you? :-)

Read through the Sweet Fellowship thread for posts about David Waller aka TFDW and his dutiful wife, Priscilla (who is Anna Duggar's sister). I'm sure you'll enjoy their wedding video. Be especially careful not to miss the sing-along...

  • Love 1
Link to comment
Lemur

Lemur

Oh, the Benham Bros. Yeah, pretty sure they share that closet (it's also where they keep their matching suits).

 

Aren't they the douchecanoes who lost their HGTV show due to their political activities?  

  • Love 4
Link to comment
kokapetl

kokapetl

Thanks for the heads up! I took your suggestion and read much of that thread - OMG. The mind boggles.

I was actually referring to the Benham Brothers, so now I have to add David Waller to the list.

Just so sad when people are SO indoctrinated that they cannot or will not address their own true gender identity. I hate it that religion can be such a total mind bend, yet some grab onto it as a COPD patient to a needed oxygen mask. Just really sad and pathetic.

I don't think (suspected) homosexuality is a gender identity thing. Gender dysphoria isn't about who a person is attracted to.
Link to comment
Defrauder

Defrauder

It began as a cloudy and windy morning as my husband and I headed out to a local restaurant for breakfast.  We had just settled in to a nice cozy booth when our server appeared, a young man named David.  Although he was pleasant I felt he was hiding something.  After we ordered our scrambled eggs and pancakes I told David this story.  I said David over 100 years ago there was a young man, a singer,  who wanted to be someone his family had taught him he couldn't be.  Instead of being true to himself he resigned himself to a life that his family approved of.  Because he couldn't be true and honest with himself he found he couldn't be true and honest with those around him.  He began to lie - a lot.  He denied the special way he was made.  When he realized he was no longer an honest person he decided to be true and honest with himself which led to being honest with those around him. Although his family shunned him he had the courage to live beyond their expectations and appreciate how he was made and in truth he lived a truthful life, a living witness to the value of honest integrity.  He told his story at his next concert and the audience was brought to tears thankful to be shown true courage, honest emotion and integrity.

  • Love 11
Link to comment
Churchhoney

Churchhoney

It began as a cloudy and windy morning as my husband and I headed out to a local restaurant for breakfast.  We had just settled in to a nice cozy booth when our server appeared, a young man named David.  Although he was pleasant I felt he was hiding something.  After we ordered our scrambled eggs and pancakes I told David this story.  I said David over 100 years ago there was a young man, a singer,  who wanted to be someone his family had taught him he couldn't be.  Instead of being true to himself he resigned himself to a life that his family approved of.  Because he couldn't be true and honest with himself he found he couldn't be true and honest with those around him.  He began to lie - a lot.  He denied the special way he was made.  When he realized he was no longer an honest person he decided to be true and honest with himself which led to being honest with those around him. Although his family shunned him he had the courage to live beyond their expectations and appreciate how he was made and in truth he lived a truthful life, a living witness to the value of honest integrity.  He told his story at his next concert and the audience was brought to tears thankful to be shown true courage, honest emotion and integrity.

 

Bravo.

  • Love 1
Link to comment
Defrauder

Defrauder

The True story of the Pecan Grove:

 

It all started so innocently. We were on our way down after completing a wonderful time at the National Bible Bee. God seemed to ordain every step we took. We were dropping off a co-worker and would pick them up again on the way back up North. It was on our way although a huge  inconvenience but to make matters  better, they offered to feed us lunch. No lunch meat for lunch today! Thank God I am so sick of my wife's lunch meat lunch every day. We were having a Southern meal of homemade fried chicken, so tender and juicy. Yum! This home was surrounded by beautiful fields of peach orchards, pecan groves, and peanut farms. Totally foreign to me, they explained that they had just gathered the pecan harvest by shaking each tree and then raking them into wind rows to be picked up by the next machine. I got to thinking I could really use some fresh pecans.

 

I asked if there was a good place to go for a little walk before completing the remaining six hour’s drive to Florida. Perhaps the Pecan Grove? I knew I'd be hungry during the six hour drive.The family kindly offered, “We sometimes walk down the highway, but there are no shoulders. You can certainly walk around our yard… or we know our neighbor and he lets us walk in his pecan grove.”  Perfect I thought.
As we went outside  we headed to the van, bid our hosts goodbye and took off straight to the Pecan Grove. Just as we pulled out the clouds parted and the sun beamed down. I quickly looked at Driscilla and after rounding the bend decided to pull into the other side of the neatly planted, mature, pecan-tree grove. After walking along the road I felt impelled to steal some pecans and put them in our Bible Bee bag.  As we headed back, I  cracked one open, only to find the most best Pecan I'd ever eaten.

 

After a couple of hours the bag was filling nicely. I glanced up and waved as a blue car drove by. I am not sure it registered in my mind that it was a state trooper until I saw his car return only a few minutes later. This time he rolled down his window and called out, “Hey, what are you all doing out there? Who gave you permission to be out there?”
Motioning toward the red house in the distance I explained, “We are traveling through the area and just had lunch with that family over there and they said we could go for a walk out here.” The trooper asked, “Do they own the property?” I replied, “No, but they said they know the owner and he lets them walk in this grove.” The trooper replied, “Well, I just talked to the owner and he told me he does not want anyone out here. You wait right here. He wants to have a word with you.” Oh, boy, was I in for a surprise.

A pickup pulled in a short while later and out jumped a plain-clothed officer. He walked over to talk with the other officer while we waited another fifteen minutes. Finally the owner of the property pulled up. As he got out of his pickup he grabbed a slender fiberglass cattle-prod. As he walked briskly and he way angry,
For what seemed like an eternity but was only about a minute he asked us questions at us such as, “What did you think you were doing? Who gave you permission to be out here? Its one thing for me to be chasing people off during the night, but what gave you the nerve to be out stealing in broad daylight!!! I bet you got a Bible from your Bible Bee theft bag in your car back there too! Don’t you realize that is like stealing money out of my wallet?”
Situation gets worse
Obviously this was not the first time people had wronged him. Of course we felt justified  and wanted to do anything needed to not be arrested.  After a stern warning from the officers,like the kind Josh gets,  a few more police came on the scene. Each one seemed to do their best to calm down the land-owner by giving us a stern talking to. Finally, the deputy for the area arrived. God so ordained him to be a large jolly officer. Good for me I thought. Upon getting my license he went over to get my wife. I asked if she would be permitted to sit in the van knowing she might spill the truth. When he went up to get her information his first question was, “How many months are you along?” She burst into tears and held up five fingers. He compassionately said, “You don’t have to get all emotional about it. I think we are just going to write you up a warning not to go on his property again.” She responded, “Yes sir.”
A sticky situation
One of the other tall officers ended up doing the negotiations. He had to give me “a talking to” loud enough that the land owner could hear to try and appease his wrath. Finally, he asked me what I had to say. I lied that I just wanted to take my wife on a little walk, but that I was totally wrong to take pecans. I told him, “I am a born again Christian and no Christian should ever steal. Except for me. God and I have a good relationship and I had a caution in my spirit not to do that and I did not listen to God’s prompting. I am really sorry, and I would like to offer this guy restitution.  I have no clue what the bag of pecans is worth, but I have $100 in cash right here to give him.”
I looked the man square in the eye and said, “Sir, I am a born again Christian and I do have a Bible in that car and this is no way for a Christian to act. I have been a horrible witness of what a Christian ought to be because no Christian ought to steal. I just came from helping out at the National Bible Bee. I have taught character in the public schools of Oklahoma for years as a hypocrite obviously. I am headed down right now to do some ministry in a prison. God and I  don't have a great relationship and when He tells me not to do something I usually don't listen. I know better, but I disobeyed His prompting. I want you to know that I am very sorry. Here is a token of my apology.” I stuffed the hundred dollars in the top of the bag and began to back away.  Thinking about twisting the truth for one of my future blogs I thought of how this  could buy me a picture of us stealing the pecans.
He straightened up and looked at me and then at the police officer. He said, “No, you keep your money… I don’t want your money.” After a pause he looked back up and said, “No, all I want is one good picture of you and your Mrs. holding that bag of pecans.” I said, “Yes, sir. Anything you want. I have done you wrong.”  Here's the cash now please take our picture with our Bible Bee bag of Pecans for when we get  home.

  • Love 1
Link to comment
Liz Tudor

Liz Tudor

(edited)

Oh my God. I want that calendar. The "Joyfully available" quote with the picture of the hedgehog (?) made me laugh so hard I developed a new lung.

That's a possum. And ironically, they're known for being good mamas. Much better than Mechelle! "Joyfully Available" sounds like a great slogan for a t-shirt. Or a tagline on e-harmony profile...

Edited because I do know the difference between their/there/they're.

Edited by Liz Tudor
  • Love 5
Link to comment
Joe Jitsu913

Joe Jitsu913

That's a possum. And ironically, they're known for being good mamas. Much better than Mechelle! "Joyfully Available" sounds like a great slogan for a t-shirt. Or a tagline on e-harmony profile...

Edited because I do know the difference between their/there/they're.

Jim Bob: Hi Michelle, how are you feeling today?

Michelle: I am feeling joyfully available, your headship. Has God laid it upon your heart to bless me with your sperm fishes today?

Jim Bob: Hey there, don't stir up desires that you can't righteously fulfill, baby! The Lord has laid upon my peni.. uhhh.. my heart that we shall have sweet fellowship tonight. Make sure you wear that sexy little Polo shirt I like, it really brings out your countenance.

Michelle: Oh Jim Bob, my wonderful husband! *laughs* I'll be wearing my lacy granny panties! Let's purpose to make sweet fellowship while our kids do all the housework for us tonight.

Jim Bob: Its what Jesus would do...

The End.

  • Love 11
Link to comment
Aja

Aja

  • Author

Jim Bob: Hi Michelle, how are you feeling today?

Michelle: I am feeling joyfully available, your headship. Has God laid it upon your heart to bless me with your sperm fishes today?

All right, that does it. We need to organize and collaborate on the script, people. I can't bear your talents being squandered any longer. The genius needs release.

  • Love 8
Link to comment

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...