Pet Peeves: Aka Things That Make You Go "Gah!"

[PRgal]

31 minutes ago, Yeah No said:

I'm bad with names myself but very good with faces. I wonder if that's a thing, to be good at one and bad at the other. My husband seems to be much better with names than I am but he's not so great with faces. 

I'm actually a bit face blind, so I might not recognize people even if I've seen them before.  Perhaps "face myopic" is more accurate since I'm not completely unable to recognize people.

[Browncoat]

I sometimes have trouble recognizing people out of context -- if I always see you, say, at the grocery store, then I see you at the mall, I might not recognize you right away.

[ebk57]

2 hours ago, Browncoat said:

I sometimes have trouble recognizing people out of context -- if I always see you, say, at the grocery store, then I see you at the mall, I might not recognize you right away.

When I worked at the theatre, I'd often run into actors while visiting NY and it was "right face, wrong place" for some of them.  I was amused.   

[emma675]

I'm the idiot who will remember your dog's name but completely forget your name. Half of my neighbors are "Rocket's dads" or "Brody's mom."

[Absolom]

4 hours ago, PRgal said:

I'm actually a bit face blind, so I might not recognize people even if I've seen them before.  Perhaps "face myopic" is more accurate since I'm not completely unable to recognize people.

I think there must be a scale of face blindness and not an on/off switch of you have it fully or you don't have it at all.  I think I "have a touch" of it.  There are some faces that I can't distinguish while others are completely recognizable to me.  

[Yeah No]

31 minutes ago, Absolom said:

I think there must be a scale of face blindness and not an on/off switch of you have it fully or you don't have it at all.  I think I "have a touch" of it.  There are some faces that I can't distinguish while others are completely recognizable to me.  

My husband is like that. Sometimes he gets it on the money but there are times he is completely wrong. I really hate it when he freezes the scene on a TV show or movie we're watching and asks me if this person isn't some famous person. I can't understand how he would think some of these people are those celebrities, LOL. Sometimes I look at him like he's out of his mind, LOL. 😉

[Gramto6]

I guess my name was a popular one back in the "old days" (I'm 75). Last time I was at the dr the nurse came out and called my name and another woman approximately my age got up to go, just as I did.  The nurse then said the last name, no me.   This happened about a year ago too another older woman in my age group.  The only time I didn't like my name that much was when I was a kid and that long legged, oddly proportioned, blond doll came out with her pink car. Boy did I get a new unwanted nick name!  I always went by my full name and still do!

As far as remembering people's names, I am sort of hit and miss. In a small group I do fairy well remembering them but in a big gathering they seem to just go in one ear and out the other. Especially if it is a group I am unlikely to ever be among again.  Name recall is not a talent I was blessed with!

[Quof]

12 hours ago, Browncoat said:

I sometimes have trouble recognizing people out of context

I was getting out of my car at the grocery store one Saturday morning, when a distinguished looking man with silver hair getting into his car said "Good morning."  
I said nothing.  He repeated "good morning".   I kept walking and he drove away. Then I realized, damn, that was Judge X and I just appeared before him a couple of weeks ago. 

To be fair, when I first started practising all judges were silver haired white men and they all looked the same to me. Now that I'm old, there is much more diversity on the bench including gender parity. And they're younger than I am.

[Yeah No]

1 hour ago, Quof said:

To be fair, when I first started practising all judges were silver haired white men and they all looked the same to me. Now that I'm old, there is much more diversity on the bench including gender parity. And they're younger than I am.

One of my best friends is a lawyer in his own practice whose ambition was always to become a judge. He tailored his experience to fit the job and figured that when he got older and grayer he would have that distinguished, serious look that would make him look the part. Well, in that time society changed and despite the hair he kept getting passed over for younger, less experienced, female/diverse candidates, so now he's coming to terms with the fact that he's actually now seen as too old/male/not diverse enough for such a position. And he's applied too many times and not been chosen so that works against him too. I really feel for him because he's not loving his "plan B" and in his 60s there isn't much time to figure out a plan C.

And yes, this is kind of a pet peeve of mine. I'm a big supporter of equality in the workplace for everyone, especially women (as I am one myself), but on the other hand a really deserving, decent, and more than qualified person never got a job as a judge. 

[nokat]

15 hours ago, Absolom said:

I think there must be a scale of face blindness and not an on/off switch of you have it fully or you don't have it at all.  I think I "have a touch" of it.  There are some faces that I can't distinguish while others are completely recognizable to me.  

I think this is more common than recognized. (no pun meant). I recognize people by voice and the way they move or dress. If it's approximate i may know you. If it's in the right context, I will know you.

It can be embarrassing. I was at a restaurant facing someone who taught me in high school and it took him speaking up as I walked past to know who he was. He seemed a bit hurt, but if you aren't in front of a chalkboard, I might not know you.

He was also one of my favorite teachers.

Edited September 28 by nokat

[PRgal]

11 hours ago, Yeah No said:

One of my best friends is a lawyer in his own practice whose ambition was always to become a judge. He tailored his experience to fit the job and figured that when he got older and grayer he would have that distinguished, serious look that would make him look the part. Well, in that time society changed and despite the hair he kept getting passed over for younger, less experienced, female/diverse candidates, so now he's coming to terms with the fact that he's actually now seen as too old/male/not diverse enough for such a position. And he's applied too many times and not been chosen so that works against him too. I really feel for him because he's not loving his "plan B" and in his 60s there isn't much time to figure out a plan C.

And yes, this is kind of a pet peeve of mine. I'm a big supporter of equality in the workplace for everyone, especially women (as I am one myself), but on the other hand a really deserving, decent, and more than qualified person never got a job as a judge. 

This.  My dad feels the same way, despite being an immigrant.  But at the same time, there are issues in some sectors.  Like, for example, male elementary school teachers.  Even the boys-only schools my husband and I toured (as possibilities for the little guy...we ultimately settled with co-ed.  At least for now.  A boys-only school isn't out of the possibility in the future since it's family tradition on my side) had an overwhelmingly female faculty in the lower grades. 

[Yeah No]

4 hours ago, PRgal said:

This.  My dad feels the same way, despite being an immigrant.  But at the same time, there are issues in some sectors.  Like, for example, male elementary school teachers.  Even the boys-only schools my husband and I toured (as possibilities for the little guy...we ultimately settled with co-ed.  At least for now.  A boys-only school isn't out of the possibility in the future since it's family tradition on my side) had an overwhelmingly female faculty in the lower grades. 

Here in the U.S. there is a lot of pressure on government and private organizations to make up for their many decades of unfair hiring. It was happening at my old company 8 years ago. I was my dept.'s admin. and the directors all told me they were told by HR not to interview anyone that wasn't a diversity candidate. In all cases they couldn't find anyone that fit that category with the qualifications for their open positions so they went unfilled for years in some cases. The company eventually forced them into hiring unqualified people.

I am on board with righting the wrongs of the past in theory but the way it has been implemented in some cases has now made some men feel marginalized. My friend is also a very big supporter of fair hiring practices but never thought he would end up getting passed over on the basis of being a man and too old. He had the support and recommendations of many colleagues but it did no good in the end. He always thought being older was an advantage in being considered for a judgeship but there's obviously a fine line between being seen as "distinguished" and "too old". 

Edited September 29 by Yeah No

[PRgal]

@Yeah No the problem is you really have to start very early and instil the idea that doing this or that is okay just because you are what you are.  Like STEM for girls or teaching the lowest grades for boys.  You can’t just suddenly say “we need to hire more women for tech” if that cohort of women didn’t come from an era where lots of girls took picked, say, electrical engineering as their major.  Or more men for early childhood education.  Do you know when I met my first guy kindergarten teacher?  Last year!  He was my son’s teaching assistant (elementary classes all have 1.5 teachers.  The main classroom teacher and an assistant who works for both classes in the grade).  I had three male teachers in elementary school which kind of sounds like a record to most people.  

[supposebly]

I can't say that I feel terrible if some men feel marginalized if that's been the default for women for far too long. I can empathize with individuals who were screwed over by systemic issues but that applies to both men and women I know.

I sometimes wonder if it would have been a good idea for me to go with the, what I felt, more challenging major Biology instead of the safe one German literature and linguistics when I entered university. I felt it was more challenging because I discovered my love for it late in high school and it seemed more hard work and I wasn't just a bit afraid of failing that one. School came easy to me but at the end, more work was required for that one and I worried that having to work hard means I'm couldn't be good at it. Silly 18year old me.

It wasn't consciously the 'soft' female major since I didn't think in those terms, but in retrospect, it certainly was.

As it turned out, I got increasingly bored with German Lit and refocused on Linguistics, which is more of a Social Science when it comes to methodology. At least for some branches of it.

I went to a small girls Catholic school in my rural area and only one of my classmates went into STEM in Pediatrics. Two or three business majors and a lot of grade school teacher degrees. Still, everyone went to university, not something to be taken for granted at the time (1988).

Coming from a family where I was the first one to go to university, it was already progress that I went to university at all. My little sister took inspiration from that, so I'm quite happy about that. My parents, with their 8year postwar rural schooling didn't expect it from us.

There is still a problem with women not advancing out of school in their chosen majors and the higher you go, the fewer you find. Still, all I can do is chip away at attitudes and fears in the early undergraduate years.

[Dimity]

Yeah, I sympathize with anyone who feels they didn't go further in their career because others with less ability got promoted instead.  But since we've spent years where women had to be twice as good to get half as far as a mediocre man my sympathy is somewhat limited.

 

18 minutes ago, supposebly said:

There is still a problem with women not advancing out of school in their chosen majors and the higher you go, the fewer you find. Still, all I can do is chip away at attitudes and fears in the early undergraduate years.

I look back to my high school graduation where all the academic prizes, in all subjects, went to girls.  These girls had the brains and the ability to go to university and to go far in their chosen fields. But not one of those girls went into engineering or the sciences.  Not one.

[Yeah No]

I think it's easy to dismiss such inequities as "collateral damage" in the effort to promote equality if one doesn't have a friend that's suffering. (Due to medical and other family issues he's now supporting his adult son, struggling to put food on his table and worried about losing his house). In practice for himself, he never made a bundle like some people might presume and his income is dependent on clients paying, which they often delay or don't do at all. He was counting on getting a job in government to finally have benefits and a steady income. He was jerked around by people who made big promises but never delivered. On top of that he thought he might inherit some money but his relatives lived to be close to 100 and pretty much all of that dried up in their final years thanks to assisted living and nursing homes.

I think everyone's interests are equally important regardless of race/gender/ethnicity/you name it. And I think if more people felt that way we wouldn't have the great ideological divide that we have in the U.S. today. I see what's happening as a problem of implementation. The motives are good but the way it's being done is not ideal. Is there ever an ideal way to do anything? I think if people thought more in moderation about everything in the U.S. we'd be better off. 

One of my biggest pet peeves of all is how it seems like everything is overboard these days. We have nothing but extremes with just about everything. There is no moderation with anything anymore. We either are unfair in one way or go to the other extreme. We consume too much or we don't consume enough, etc., etc. I see this analogy in every aspect of life. I have a lot of theories about why that is that I won't go into here, but I'll just say that I think the internet has only worsened the situation.

ETA: I just found the statistics on the representation of female judges in CT and they're not doing too badly overall, at least in the state court. Out of 254 judges in the state court system 106 are presently women:

https://www.nawj.org/www.nawj.org/statistics/2024-us-state-court-women-judges

Edited September 29 by Yeah No

[Dimity]

13 minutes ago, Yeah No said:

I think it's easy to dismiss such inequities as "collateral damage" in the effort to promote equality if one doesn't have a friend that's suffering.

I think it's also easy to dismiss the successes of women and minorities by assuming they'd never have achieved what they have in a level playing field.   Unless you were a white protestant man vying against other white protestant men there never was a level playing field.

[Yeah No]

29 minutes ago, Dimity said:

I think it's also easy to dismiss the successes of women and minorities by assuming they'd never have achieved what they have in a level playing field.   Unless you were a white protestant man vying against other white protestant men there never was a level playing field.

I never dismissed the success of women. They deserved their jobs. But when the choice is between equally qualified candidates (as is often the case) and the decision is made on factors other than qualifications it's a different issue. Sometimes one advantage is replaced by another in my opinion, and after a while I think that can become unfair and yes, marginalize people. There doesn't seem to be a solution that doesn't turn one group into a scapegoat in the process of trying to remove the inequities done to another. And I am profoundly against that. My friend fought his whole career to support and promote women in the field of law, even mentored them as law school students. So he's not the person responsible for the inequities, quite the opposite. Also, I am my mother's daughter, who fought her whole life for women's equality and I have been on the receiving end of inequality in the workplace, so don't get me wrong here. We need a better solution to the problem is all I'm saying.

Also, (this is not directed at you) but I hate to say I see prejudice everywhere in our society even among people who claim not to be so, and assumptions made about people based on their gender, religious and ethnic backgrounds that are unfair and unfounded on an individual basis. I'll leave it at that. But it's a very big pet peeve of mine.

P.S. My friend has had 4 heart attacks already. With the stress he's under I fear what would happen if he had another one.

Edited September 29 by Yeah No

[PRgal]

I went to a girls’ school in the 90s and STEM was definitely encouraged.  What they forgot to do was to encourage finance-influenced careers.  Sure, math is needed for finance, but what we’re also seeing is the lack of women in venture capitalism (slowly changing!!)

[Yeah No]

33 minutes ago, Yeah No said:

My friend fought his whole career to support and promote women in the field of law, even mentored them as law school students. So he's not the person responsible for the inequities, quite the opposite. Also, I am my mother's daughter, who fought her whole life for women's equality and I have been on the receiving end of inequality in the workplace, so don't get me wrong here. We need a better solution to the problem is all I'm saying.

Also, I thought I should mention that he comes from a family of college educated, high achieving women, even his mother and great aunt, who was quite famous in the literary world. And they were his examples and champions of women's rights. So he is not from a background of inequality towards women or minorities of any kind or he wouldn't be one of my best friends!

[DrSpaceman73]

1 hour ago, Yeah No said:

I think it's easy to dismiss such inequities as "collateral damage" in the effort to promote equality if one doesn't have a friend that's suffering. (Due to medical and other family issues he's now supporting his adult son, struggling to put food on his table and worried about losing his house). In practice for himself, he never made a bundle like some people might presume and his income is dependent on clients paying, which they often delay or don't do at all. He was counting on getting a job in government to finally have benefits and a steady income. He was jerked around by people who made big promises but never delivered. On top of that he thought he might inherit some money but his relatives lived to be close to 100 and pretty much all of that dried up in their final years thanks to assisted living and nursing homes.

I think everyone's interests are equally important regardless of race/gender/ethnicity/you name it. And I think if more people felt that way we wouldn't have the great ideological divide that we have in the U.S. today. I see what's happening as a problem of implementation. The motives are good but the way it's being done is not ideal. Is there ever an ideal way to do anything? I think if people thought more in moderation about everything in the U.S. we'd be better off. 

One of my biggest pet peeves of all is how it seems like everything is overboard these days. We have nothing but extremes with just about everything. There is no moderation with anything anymore. We either are unfair in one way or go to the other extreme. We consume too much or we don't consume enough, etc., etc. I see this analogy in every aspect of life. I have a lot of theories about why that is that I won't go into here, but I'll just say that I think the internet has only worsened the situation.

ETA: I just found the statistics on the representation of female judges in CT and they're not doing too badly overall, at least in the state court. Out of 254 judges in the state court system 106 are presently women:

https://www.nawj.org/www.nawj.org/statistics/2024-us-state-court-women-judges

It's very much true there is no moderation anymore. In many aspects of life. 

If you don't agree with something you're a 'hater'

Consumer News stories are all designed with a slant to get you upset either for/ against the story.  Either way it catches your attention and makes you 'click' 

It's easy to find many people who agree with you even if you're wrong thanks to social media. There is no need to change your opinion , you just search out like minded people 

Edited September 29 by DrSpaceman73

[Yeah No]

5 minutes ago, DrSpaceman73 said:

It's very much true there is no moderation anymore. In many aspects of life. 

If you don't agree with something you're a 'hater'

Consumer News stories are all designed with a slant to get you upset either for/ against the story.  Either way it catches your attention and makes you 'click' 

It's easy to find many people who agree with you even if you're wrong thanks to social media. There is no need to change your opinion , you just search out like minded people 

I hear you, you are spot on about the news slant. All I have to do these days is tell someone I'm a Christian and the daggers come out. I put my cross necklaces away for that reason. Like everyone thinks I'm a certain kind of Christian that has been identified with prejudice, being against certain human rights, hate, and certain political leanings. They don't even know what the Episcopal church stands for. I get shocked reactions when I tell people we have had openly gay bishops for close to 30 years now. Well, I'm sorry if they don't know that. They should learn something before they jump to conclusions. People aren't learning about the big gray area between polar opposites anymore. I blame the lack of teaching of critical thinking skills and the internet for that, sorry to say. And social media lets people congregate and engage in confirmation bias. They never see the other side.

[PRgal]

1 hour ago, DrSpaceman73 said:

It's very much true there is no moderation anymore. In many aspects of life. 

If you don't agree with something you're a 'hater'

Consumer News stories are all designed with a slant to get you upset either for/ against the story.  Either way it catches your attention and makes you 'click' 

It's easy to find many people who agree with you even if you're wrong thanks to social media. There is no need to change your opinion , you just search out like minded people 

The Happiness Lab had an episode about disagreement and how to disagree better last week!  

On hiring practices and such:  A new medical school recently launched in Toronto and they said they want to recruit "underrepresented groups" for incoming classes.  I noticed that they didn't say "visible minorities" or anything to that extent since there are already a good number of MDs from various Asian backgrounds, though not necessarily in certain specialties.

[StatisticalOutlier]

6 hours ago, Yeah No said:

In practice for himself, he never made a bundle like some people might presume and his income is dependent on clients paying, which they often delay or don't do at all. He was counting on getting a job in government to finally have benefits and a steady income.

You said he was counting on getting appointed to be a judge.  That's a much more precise target than a government job.  He could have gotten a government job long ago and had benefits and steady income, but apparently chose to forgo that bird in the hand in favor of hoping for two in the bush.  That's understandable.

It sucks for him that it didn't work out, but gambling always involves the chance of loss.  And in this case, it's a particularly big gamble because he had no control whatsoever over whether he gets appointed. 

[Yeah No]

2 hours ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

You said he was counting on getting appointed to be a judge.  That's a much more precise target than a government job.  He could have gotten a government job long ago and had benefits and steady income, but apparently chose to forgo that bird in the hand in favor of hoping for two in the bush.  That's understandable.

It sucks for him that it didn't work out, but gambling always involves the chance of loss.  And in this case, it's a particularly big gamble because he had no control whatsoever over whether he gets appointed. 

I guess I said "government job" to mean a position as a judge because it technically is a government job. But he did also apply for other non-judge positions, I just don't remember all of them now, there were so many of them over the years. I do remember he applied for a couple of jobs as a court magistrate which is similar to a judge but with less responsibility, although I'm not sure just how so. Another position was in the family court but I don't remember the title. I know he only applied for jobs he was qualified to do and were related to his specific experience, which does narrow it down somewhat. I think some of them were in the family court and some were in the regular court but my knowledge of the judicial system is pretty limited. Some of these positions were appointments and some were not.

It's just so hard for me to understand how with his resume and all the has done for the community on his local town committee, the pro bono stuff he's done and all the stellar recommendations and promises he has had from people in pretty high places that he never got one of those jobs over the years. I would say this goes back at least a decade now.

I identify with his issues as I had a similar experience after breaking my arm in 2016 and being out of work for a while on workers' comp., then being unemployed and looking for a job for years and never getting hired despite applying and interviewing like crazy, which I had to do regularly for a while under the terms of my wrongful termination lawsuit (long story. I did win it eventually). At the time I was sure it was age discrimination because when I was younger I never had anywhere near that kind of trouble getting a job, but I really don't know. Some of my friends are convinced I was blackballed by my old company on the dark web!

Edited September 30 by Yeah No

[Absolom]

You might also consider it was filing the lawsuit.  Not that you shouldn't have filed it, but it does make some employers think extra long before hiring someone who has.  I know a few people who have filed suits and won, but could never get a job within their field again and had to take other paths to find employment in a different area.

[Yeah No]

10 hours ago, Absolom said:

You might also consider it was filing the lawsuit.  Not that you shouldn't have filed it, but it does make some employers think extra long before hiring someone who has.  I know a few people who have filed suits and won, but could never get a job within their field again and had to take other paths to find employment in a different area.

Well, it was a consideration and a calculation in the end, but no matter what the field I applied to, in my case the reason why I left my job would still possibly not be received so well. Because the lawsuit took a couple of years to resolve the workers' comp. person in the town made my company continue to pay me 3/4 of my salary for those two years. Also I had to be signed off as recovered by the doctors and that took a long time too. It was also a workers' comp. case and it was eventually determined by the court that they broke the law in terminating me while on workers' comp. with no justification. I had plenty of very recent reviews to show that there was nothing wrong with me or my work from my boss's point of view. This company was looking for any excuse to get rid of employees over the age of 55 so I wonder if that's why they did it. But how dumb of them not to know the law. The HR rep. that gave me the news was a lawyer!

P.S. I won the lawsuit, which was great!

Anyway so I was supported until the end of 2018 and then when the lawsuit settled I was able to go on regular unemployment benefits for another 6 months. That ended in mid 2019. All this time I was applying for jobs and interviewing. And by that time I was 61 years old. Then my husband decided to hire me to help him in his very small limo. business with his paperwork and scheduling. I didn't make much, LOL, but it was something to do while I looked for a job. That went on for less than a year and then the pandemic happened and ground everything to a halt including his business which he had to shut down for good after a while. But we qualified for pandemic unemployment and one of those small business loans and thank GOD for that because we were in a freefall financially. This went on until the end of 2021.

I wasn't being forced to look for a job by that point so I didn't apply quite as much anymore. I did get pretty far with quite a few applications, though. I had second and even third interviews in some cases. If they didn't like my story I don't know if they would have taken it that far. I told them I was terminated without cause while on workers' comp. and that might have made my old company look worse than it made me look, because their usual response was to say, "How could they do that? That's against the law!" And I didn't think it would be wise to mislead them about it. I was offered one job paying quite a bit less than I was paid in my career job and declined it. It was way too much to ask for so little. They led me to believe the salary would be higher and then at the last minute it wasn't. I think they were hoping to get the budget for it and didn't. I would have accepted less at that point but not that much less. That was at the end of my search in 2022. 

Anyway, in the meantime in 2021 my husband was offered a job making more than he ever made in his life to work part time as the driver for a very rich family. The husband was one of his best clients and knew we were struggling. He had been considering hiring my husband for a while and decided that was the right time to do it. So I made the decision to stop searching after a while and we just pinched pennies. My husband is collecting his SS money now and I will be in a few months and I'll have other retirement money coming soon so we'll be OK.

There weren't many jobs a woman of my age with my background could have gotten in my area in another field, and even if I did it would for sure mean a big pay cut. And I wasn't really up for making a career change at that age anyway even if it were possible. I was looking toward retirement by that point anyway. The cost/benefit ratio wasn't really working out and I was tired of the whole thing. I applied for jobs like that anyway and never heard from any of them. I wrote the most incredible cover letters with those applications, LOL. I only heard from employers when my background and experience were tailor made for the job. Part of my problem is that I had to look for work while collecting workers' comp. after a year or so and this is a finite area with not much I could realistically hope to get. So I ended up having to apply to the same companies several times and that never looks good especially if you've already interviewed there twice and didn't get either job. After a while that works against you.

Also I was an executive assistant for 30 years and once you've been typecast in a role for that long it can work against you to try to branch out from that especially over the age of 60. I could have temped but I was able to make other plans to avoid it. It was not really something I wanted to do. I would have if it were absolutely necessary but thankfully it wasn't.

 

Edited September 30 by Yeah No

[Dimity]

Ok, Barry Williams, aka Greg Brady, turns 70 today.  Well I just give up, I really do!

[PRgal]

On 9/29/2024 at 1:02 PM, Yeah No said:

I hear you, you are spot on about the news slant. All I have to do these days is tell someone I'm a Christian and the daggers come out. I put my cross necklaces away for that reason. Like everyone thinks I'm a certain kind of Christian that has been identified with prejudice, being against certain human rights, hate, and certain political leanings. They don't even know what the Episcopal church stands for. I get shocked reactions when I tell people we have had openly gay bishops for close to 30 years now. Well, I'm sorry if they don't know that. They should learn something before they jump to conclusions. People aren't learning about the big gray area between polar opposites anymore. I blame the lack of teaching of critical thinking skills and the internet for that, sorry to say. And social media lets people congregate and engage in confirmation bias. They never see the other side.

Maybe next time specifically say that you're a member Episcopalian (up here, it's called the Anglican Church of Canada) and if they ask, say that it's like being Catholic but priests marry and women are allowed to be priests and bishops.  

[meep.meep]

On 9/29/2024 at 8:57 AM, PRgal said:

I went to a girls’ school in the 90s and STEM was definitely encouraged.  What they forgot to do was to encourage finance-influenced careers.  Sure, math is needed for finance, but what we’re also seeing is the lack of women in venture capitalism (slowly changing!!)

Coming from the land of the venture capitalists, it's the biggest old boys club of them all.   Capable women are kept from advancing in the firms by a variety of practices that cause most of them to leave.  Look at Pao vs Kleiner Perkins for a prime example.

[Yeah No]

7 hours ago, PRgal said:

Maybe next time specifically say that you're a member Episcopalian (up here, it's called the Anglican Church of Canada) and if they ask, say that it's like being Catholic but priests marry and women are allowed to be priests and bishops.  

I've tried that but it's so outside their experience that I don't think it changes anything about how they think. I think they dismiss it as some kind of weird cult, LOL. It boggles my mind how little some people are aware of about the vast differences between Christian denominations. if something isn't either black or white they can't wrap their minds around it.

BTW, I spoke with my lawyer friend today and he told me that he specifically got told he was turned down for that last judgeship he applied for because he had applied too many times for similar judge positions in the state court system. Yikes. That's rough. I feel for him. I wonder just how many times too many times is in their view.

He also told me that he just applied for a position in the state probate court as a staff attorney. This is a separate entity from the state court and he's never applied to the probate court before. I am sure he is going to be competing with people a lot younger than himself (he's 62). I didn't want to hurt his feelings or discourage him but it's yet another position I don't think he has much chance of getting. I wish he would consider looking outside the court system but I've already suggested that and he's not keen on the idea. Yet, anyway. He might have to reconsider that if things get too much harder for him financially.

[Dimity]

We found out today that an elderly friend of the family died in August and no one in her family could be bothered to let anyone know.  Not only that but there was no obituary, no funeral, nothing.   I am finding it incredibly sad.  A long life, well lived, and nothing to acknowledge her passing. 

[Mindthinkr]

19 minutes ago, Dimity said:

We found out today that an elderly friend of the family died in August and no one in her family could be bothered to let anyone know.  Not only that but there was no obituary, no funeral, nothing.   I am finding it incredibly sad.  A long life, well lived, and nothing to acknowledge her passing. 

My neighbor had an Uncle who he believes (due to age-96) to have passed away and not one person in the family other than a great nephew who was to be the Executor of his will knows when, why, how, where he was buried etc. It’s very sad for the family members who cannot get closure. 

I’m sorry for your loss. 

[Absolom]

1 hour ago, Dimity said:

We found out today that an elderly friend of the family died in August and no one in her family could be bothered to let anyone know.  Not only that but there was no obituary, no funeral, nothing.   I am finding it incredibly sad.  A long life, well lived, and nothing to acknowledge her passing. 

It's become very much the thing these days.  It was a trend I'd seen start and I think COVID accelerated it.  Funerals became so prohibitively expensive for many people. Cremation has become much more acceptable in many parts of the US than it used to be.  When my parents passed, there was no obituary, no "viewing," and no funeral.  That was at their expressed wishes.  It did feel a bit odd that the only "ceremony" of it all was me picking up their ashes. I did notify the surviving relatives. At their age, there weren't many friends left and I had no contact information.

I had a 94 year old friend who passed last year and I know her sons would not have notified me.  However, I found out before they did.  She died minutes before I showed up to visit her in hospice.  Thus it became my job to notify her friends.  Her sons called no one.  Our neighbor's son died NYE last year and she told none of us neighbors even though we'd known him since elementary school.  He was 48.  There was no obituary and no formal service.  I saw people gathering at her house and it was 8 months before I found out what happened.

The most common thing I've encountered the last few years is the self-done memorial service weeks or even months after the death and cremation.  People gather in a home, VFW, restaurant, etc. with a photo display, a couple of speakers, and share their memories.  It's usually by invitation.

 

[Bastet]

We didn't have any sort of memorial service for my grandpa (per his wishes), and I don't remember if we did an obituary.  We notified family, and his neighbors we knew (he'd outlived all his friends), but I'm sure we missed some people.

My dad does not want a memorial, my mom wants us/me to do or not do whatever would be best for us/me.  If she dies first, I think my dad would defer to my wishes as he could go either way.  I have no strong feelings, either; I would decide a few months later what I wanted (I definitely would not want to do something right away). 

4 hours ago, Absolom said:

The most common thing I've encountered the last few years is the self-done memorial service weeks or even months after the death and cremation.  People gather in a home, VFW, restaurant, etc. with a photo display, a couple of speakers, and share their memories.  It's usually by invitation.

This has been the norm to me for a good twenty years now; I've gone to a few funerals in that time, but otherwise it has been memorials (which take on more of a celebration of life tone than a grieving the loss focus, although of course both are present) in homes or restaurants, usually about 3-6 months after the fact, maybe on what would have been their next birthday or sometimes the first anniversary of their death.  Many were planned to some extent by the deceased; my best friend's mom wanted margaritas and a taco truck and a list of songs to be played.

The family needs to do whatever is best for them, in combination with what they think/know the person wanted, but I exponentially prefer the later memorial than a sad funeral not even a week after.  (And if they just don't have the emotional energy to even let people outside their immediate circle know, that's okay, as their grief trumps mine.  It's an odd feeling finding out a good deal after the fact, but I just do my own tribute internally when I do.)

[Dimity]

5 hours ago, Absolom said:

When my parents passed, there was no obituary, no "viewing," and no funeral.  That was at their expressed wishes.

My mother's sister and her husband were like this.  He died first and spent ten years in an urn in her top dresser drawer.  When she died my cousins had their urns placed in a cremation niche at the same cemetery where my Mom and sister are interred.  For my aunt they didn't do an obituary or a funeral or celebration of life service as per her wishes but what they did do was go through her address book and try to make sure they contacted anyone who they thought would want to know she had died. 

Edited October 2 by Dimity

[Yeah No]

5 hours ago, Absolom said:

It's become very much the thing these days.  It was a trend I'd seen start and I think COVID accelerated it.  Funerals became so prohibitively expensive for many people. Cremation has become much more acceptable in many parts of the US than it used to be.  When my parents passed, there was no obituary, no "viewing," and no funeral.  That was at their expressed wishes.  It did feel a bit odd that the only "ceremony" of it all was me picking up their ashes. I did notify the surviving relatives. At their age, there weren't many friends left and I had no contact information.

That's exactly what happened with my father in NYC who died very early in the pandemic of Covid. I was forced to have him cremated because everyone was on lockdown and the funeral homes were flooded with bodies. He had to be kept on ice for a month until they could even find a crematorium that could take him and it was all the way in Pennsylvania.

I was devastated and scared of what was happening with the global pandemic so I was not up to having any kind of service for him anyway, not even online like some people did. And at 92 he had also outlived most of his friends and all of his family, although I know that people in his apt. building would have attended if there were an in-person event and the people at his favorite diner and pub. But even if it were possible I would not have been up to it and I of course had no family other than my husband to help me anyway and he was going through a crisis of his own having zero work suddenly and no income until the pandemic unemployment kicked in.

About a year later I had a luncheon at a restaurant with outdoor seating with some of the people closest to him and we talked about him and what he meant to us for a couple of hours. I never saw two of the people there again. One died a few months later (one of his closest friends) and another dropped out of sight altogether. I had been talking about eventually having a memorial service and a burial for his and my mom's ashes at a veteran's cemetery but I have to admit that I was never up to making that happen although I know he would have wanted it. And the only cemetery they could be buried in is all the way out on Long Island which is quite a ways from me now. I also never did an obituary or anything else. And that's really not like me but the whole thing was just so hard and even after a while it didn't feel any easier either.

So as I write this I am looking at my fireplace where he and my mother's urns still sit next to each other and photos of them. I like to think that both of them understand that I'm not ready to bury them just yet or have any kind of ceremony in their honor. My mom was only a few days shy of her 77th birthday when she died so my Dad and I had a big memorial service and luncheon for her and many, many people came. It was very special. But unfortunately for my Dad there are precious few people left that were close enough to him to attend an event in his honor so it's a different situation altogether.

[isalicat]

On 9/30/2024 at 11:31 AM, PRgal said:

Maybe next time specifically say that you're a member Episcopalian (up here, it's called the Anglican Church of Canada) and if they ask, say that it's like being Catholic but priests marry and women are allowed to be priests and bishops.  

As a former Episcopalian, and now a Catholic may I respectfully disagree? There are important theological differences as well as the stuff you mentioned that matter to some of us far more than whether priests can marry or women can be priests and bishops. And lots of other practical teachings (social/moral) that are significant too....Nonetheless, I not only proudly wear my cross, I added my childhood Jewish Star of David (I am 100% Ashkenazic Jewish ethnically - my parents were devoted atheists, so I came to religion entirely on my own) now that both Christians and Jews are being side-eyed. I guess my pet peeve is the understandable tendency to give in to prejudice because it can be so uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of it. F**k that! 😺

[Yeah No]

2 hours ago, isalicat said:

As a former Episcopalian, and now a Catholic may I respectfully disagree? There are important theological differences as well as the stuff you mentioned that matter to some of us far more than whether priests can marry or women can be priests and bishops. And lots of other practical teachings (social/moral) that are significant too....Nonetheless, I not only proudly wear my cross, I added my childhood Jewish Star of David (I am 100% Ashkenazic Jewish ethnically - my parents were devoted atheists, so I came to religion entirely on my own) now that both Christians and Jews are being side-eyed. I guess my pet peeve is the understandable tendency to give in to prejudice because it can be so uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of it. F**k that! 😺

You're right about the important differences between the Roman Catholic and Episcopalian churches in general but it is true that the "higher" the Episcopal (or Anglican) church the closer to Roman Catholicism it gets in both its teachings and its outward observances/services. But as close as they can get liturgically there still are several important differences theologically speaking. Admittedly, though some of those would seem like nitpicks to outsiders. Episcopal/Anglican churches also tend to uphold more socially liberal values than the RC church in general, although that can depend on the church and interestingly what we used to call "high" churches aren't always the most socially conservative, in fact they can be just the opposite.

Edited October 3 by Yeah No

[PRgal]

15 hours ago, Yeah No said:

You're right about the important differences between the Roman Catholic and Episcopalian churches in general but it is true that the "higher" the Episcopal (or Anglican) church the closer to Roman Catholicism it gets in both its teachings and its outward observances/services. But as close as they can get liturgically there still are several important differences theologically speaking. Admittedly, though some of those would seem like nitpicks to outsiders. Episcopal/Anglican churches also tend to uphold more socially liberal values than the RC church in general, although that can depend on the church and interestingly what we used to call "high" churches aren't always the most socially conservative, in fact they can be just the opposite.

This is true.  The church I went to for a couple of years before I met my husband took part in Pride Parades.  This was just before equal marriage became legal across Canada (which was in 2005, 10 years before the US).

[bluegirl147]

On 9/27/2024 at 12:16 PM, Dimity said:

My name was so common when I was growing up that there were usually at least 3 other girls with the same name in most of my classes. 

Same. My pet peeve is someone shortening my name. Especially people who don't know me.  When I named my son I purposely named him something that when shortened didn't bother me.  

[Absolom]

My daughter shares my dislike of nicknames.  Her children are named as she is with a one syllable name that can't be shortened.  

[PRgal]

2 hours ago, bluegirl147 said:

Same. My pet peeve is someone shortening my name. Especially people who don't know me.  When I named my son I purposely named him something that when shortened didn't bother me.  

My first name at birth was a shortened version of my current name.  I legally changed it to the real, full name because I wanted people to take me seriously.

[Calvada]

9 hours ago, bluegirl147 said:

Same. My pet peeve is someone shortening my name. Especially people who don't know me.  When I named my son I purposely named him something that when shortened didn't bother me.  

I worked with a guy who added ie/y to every name - Bob became Bobby, Barb became Barbie, Joan was Joanie, etc.  (I think he was enormously frustrated by my name because you can't do that with my name.)  One of the people asked him to call them by their name, not some nickname, and he was taken aback because in his view, that was his way of being friendly.  It took a while but he finally realized that calling someone by a name other than their expressly preferred name was disrespectful.  

[StatisticalOutlier]

Assume my name is Barbara.  Just today, someone in a class asked my name and I was slow to respond because I didn't really understand what he was saying and the teacher (whom I barely know) responded, "Barbara.  Or Barbie?"  And the question came up, which do I prefer? 

I was thinking about this the other day because someone else asked should he call me Barbara or Barb, and I told him I don't care.  But it occurred to me that that's not really helpful for the person asking.   But I really, truly, don't care. 

In fact, the guy today later remarked that he'd never run across anyone who doesn't care what name people use for them.  So I told him I swear, I don't care.  And in fact some people go even more diminutive and call me Barb.  That's usually people who don't know me at all, for some reason.

So I'm working on a script.  I'm thinking along the lines of, "You know, I don't have a preference.  About half of my friends call me Barb and half call me Barbara."

[Anela]

I’m Angela, and people tend to call me Ange, or Angie, when they’ve decided that we’re going to be friends. :) I don’t mind, either.  My parents called me those, or Janie. 

[Annber03]

5 minutes ago, Anela said:

I’m Angela, and people tend to call me Ange, or Angie, when they’ve decided that we’re going to be friends. :) I don’t mind, either.  

That's my name as well, and same on all of this :D. I think the only people who actually refer to me by my full name nowadays are myy boss and co-workers, everyone else calls me by one of those two nicknames. 

[EtheltoTillie]

My husband’s real name is Robert. No one calls him that.  Robert is such a formal name the default is always Bob. They don’t even ask. It must be something about that name. 

I call him by his last name, as do other friends, but that’s another story. 

[JustHereForFood]

I envy all of you who are surrounded by churches who are normal. I went from catholic to agnostic to atheist for various reasons, not just for how bigoted the church is, so I wouldn't go back even if they suddenly behaved normally, but it would be nice to not have hate spew at me all the time. The Roman Catholic Church in my country regularly releases statements that are anti-LGBTQ+, or just anti-liberal in general, plus they always try to get involved in politics (and we have an official separation of church and state). One would assume that after all that they went through during the socialism era just a few decades ago(political persecution, routine arrests and torture, blackmail, etc.) they would be more understanding. I think it's partially because so many people went beck to identify as catholic, so now they have a huge majority. It seems to me that churches behave more tolerantly and are much less bigoted when they are in a minority, for example the few openly tolerant priests that we have are usually evangelical, who are around 5%.

Edited October 5 by JustHereForFood
double post

[annzeepark914]

23 hours ago, bluegirl147 said:

Same. My pet peeve is someone shortening my name. Especially people who don't know me.  When I named my son I purposely named him something that when shortened didn't bother me.  

I wonder why people think it's ok to instantly use a nickname, when they barely know you. When I introduce myself (e.g., as maybe Margaret), don't immediately say, "Hi, Peg".  Re: the name Margaret? Whenever people can't remember my name, they usually call me Margaret, no matter which part of the country I'm in 😁. I think it's because my name has 3 syllables, just like Margaret (well, that's all I could come up with!)