Pet Peeves: Aka Things That Make You Go "Gah!"

[BooksRule]

Joining in on the 'bugs don't belong in the house' pet peeve discussion.  I live in the deep south, and we have those huge roaches (sometimes called 'Palmetto bugs', but that pleasant name is not fooling anybody) that like to visit inside.  I've heard that it helps to keep no food or water out (not that I generally leave uncovered food lying around), but I have two cats, so there's always going to be at least dry cat food and a bowl of water around.  I haven't seen many lately, because I see them mainly when there is a lot of rain (they come in to get dry?) or not enough rain (they are coming in to look for water maybe), but I do see one now and then.  One of my cats loves to hunt them, and if I'm anywhere in the house and hear her make that high-pitched 'rwow, rwow' sound I know that she's either getting ready to hork up a hairball or she's on her way to bring me an offering of a live bug. Either way, if it's dark in the room I'm at the time, I have to quickly turn on a light so I can see what she's doing. 

Spiders are not welcome either. I know they eat other bugs, but they need to do that outside. I remember years ago (pre-cats) I was the bathroom and happened to casually look down at the floor right next to my feet.  There was the biggest spider I had ever seen.  I immediately screamed, jumped up and ran into the bedroom to grab a shoe.  When I swatted at it I missed and it scrambled up into a wicker wastebasket.  That sucker was so big that I could hear it scratching as it ran up the wicker.  Of course, the basket was full of dental floss, tissues, etc. I tipped the basket over and pounded the heck out of everything that fell out.  Wham! Wham! Wham!  I smushed it good.  I looked it up later and it looked like a nursery web spider (google it. I won't provide a link to the creepy thing) and I guess it came in the open window (around the screen somehow). I never hope to see a Cujo spider like that again.  I'm glad I didn't have my cats at the time, because I guess my hunter cat would have caught it and dropped it into my bed as a present for me. 

Edited September 7, 2020 by BooksRule
typo

[theredhead77]

I use Ortho Home Defense Max and I think it works pretty well. I spray it along the walls in my garage, along the outside of my walls, balcony and inside between the floor and the wall (I lock the cats up for about 30 minutes while it dries). 

My peeve is how difficult it is to recycle paint. The sellers left 5 containers of paint (it's fine, I had visions of touching up) but I never did and now that my house is painted I have no need for it. Add to that, all the paint is congealed into balls so I couldn't use it if I wanted to. You can't throw out paint but it's becoming a PITA to get rid of it. I've been Googling like crazy.

[bilgistic]

On 9/6/2020 at 1:22 AM, Moose135 said:

Is it a Casper? I have a Casper mattress, got it about 4 or 5 years ago, and love it. I also got a couple of Casper pillows, and find them comfortable.

No; it wasn't a widely advertised brand. I could look in my files for the paperwork but I'm laying on the couch and that would require me to get up.

[bilgistic]

19 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

My peeve is how difficult it is to recycle paint. The sellers left 5 containers of paint (it's fine, I had visions of touching up) but I never did and now that my house is painted I have no need for it. Add to that, all the paint is congealed into balls so I couldn't use it if I wanted to. You can't throw out paint but it's becoming a PITA to get rid of it. I've been Googling like crazy.

My county's recycling centers take unwanted paint, along with other hazardous household waste like batteries, CFL lightbulbs, electronics and such, so that they are disposed of properly and don't end up in the landfill and the groundwater. See if your area offers that service.

Edited September 7, 2020 by bilgistic

[theredhead77]

2 minutes ago, bilgistic said:

My county's recycling centers take unwanted paint, along with other hazardous household waste like batteries, CFL lightbulbs, electronics and such, so that they are disposed of properly and don't end up in the landfill and the groundwater. See if your area offers that service.

I will. Part of the issue is they've been closed to the general public due to COVID and are just starting to re-open so I've been trying to find somewhere else. It's just been difficult and I'm kicking myself for not dealing with it last year.

[BooksRule]

2 hours ago, bilgistic said:

My county's recycling centers take unwanted paint, along with other hazardous household waste like batteries, CFL lightbulbs, electronics and such, so that they are disposed of properly and don't end up in the landfill and the groundwater. See if your area offers that service.

My county has a 'hazardous waste' day one Saturday a month.  I haven't been in a while, but I remember that even pre-Covid, you could drive up and they would take stuff out of the back of your car or truck without you even having to get out of your vehicle. (Which reminds me, I need to see if they are still doing that--I have two containers of 'old' gasoline that I need to get rid of.) 

[SoMuchTV]

3 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

My peeve is how difficult it is to recycle paint. The sellers left 5 containers of paint (it's fine, I had visions of touching up) but I never did and now that my house is painted I have no need for it. Add to that, all the paint is congealed into balls so I couldn't use it if I wanted to. You can't throw out paint but it's becoming a PITA to get rid of it. I've been Googling like crazy.

I remember hearing that if you leave the cans open until it dries up (maybe with the help of some sawdust or kitty litter), then it was safe to throw out with the regular trash.  But if your current Googling isn't turning that up, maybe it's outdated advice.

[theredhead77]

8 minutes ago, SoMuchTV said:

I remember hearing that if you leave the cans open until it dries up (maybe with the help of some sawdust or kitty litter), then it was safe to throw out with the regular trash.  But if your current Googling isn't turning that up, maybe it's outdated advice.

Thanks for reminding me of that! I did see that advice and completely forgot. I'll ask the recycling center and call the waste disposal company to ask if they recycling center doesn't know.

[Bastet]

33 minutes ago, SoMuchTV said:

I remember hearing that if you leave the cans open until it dries up (maybe with the help of some sawdust or kitty litter), then it was safe to throw out with the regular trash.

As long as it's water-based paint, yep, you can use sawdust or litter to help solidify it, and then just toss the dried paint ball in the trash (in most places; you have to check your city/county).  And then if you're able to properly rinse the can, you can recycle that -- well, in theory, but of course reality is most municipalities are now just throwing it away.

[MargeGunderson]

44 minutes ago, theredhead77 said:

Thanks for reminding me of that! I did see that advice and completely forgot. I'll ask the recycling center and call the waste disposal company to ask if they recycling center doesn't know.

You can also buy something that hardens the paint at Home Depot or your local hardware store. The stuff I bought came in a small package and was sort of like cat litter granules (Google tells me it was Homax Paint Hardener). Stir some in and it will solidify in a few hours. 

[Angeltoes]

58 minutes ago, SoMuchTV said:

My peeve is how difficult it is to recycle paint. The sellers left 5 containers of paint (it's fine, I had visions of touching up) but I never did and now that my house is painted I have no need for it. Add to that, all the paint is congealed into balls so I couldn't use it if I wanted to. You can't throw out paint but it's becoming a PITA to get rid of it. I've been Googling like crazy.

Put them in an Amazon box and leave it at your front door.  A porch pirate will be by to get it.

Edited September 7, 2020 by Angeltoes

[SuprSuprElevated]

Our county also offers the once-monthly hazardous material drop off (it's at the county landfill site), BUT, with electronics & TV's, it's a different drop-off point.  When last I called, they charge $1 dollar per diagonal inch to dispose of a television.  Now I ask you...how many are going to pay that, now that 50" and larger screens have become the norm?  I would like to see some brain power used on a better option for that.

Edited September 7, 2020 by SuprSuprElevated

[ParadoxLost]

2 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

Thanks for reminding me of that! I did see that advice and completely forgot. I'll ask the recycling center and call the waste disposal company to ask if they recycling center doesn't know.

Benjamin Moore will also dispose of it for you but there is a fee.

Also, your trash collection will let you know if they take paint dried with kitty litter

Edited September 8, 2020 by ParadoxLost

[auntlada]

33 minutes ago, SuprSuprElevated said:

Our county also offers the once-monthly hazardous material drop off (it's at the county landfill site), BUT, with electronics & TV's, it's a different drop-off point.  When last I called, they charge $1 dollar per diagonal inch to dispose of a television.  Now I ask you...how many are going to pay that, now that 50" and larger screens have become the norm?  I would like to see some brain power used on a better option for that.

When we needed to get rid of an old (heavy) TV that worked (sort of) but had a weird thing at the edges of the picture, we gave it to a college student who was willing to come pick it up. It would have cost us to take it to the recycling center or to have it picked up for the dump. At the end of the college year, though, the city has a weekend when they will pick up college students' furniture and electronics for free. Of course, sometimes you can get rid of stuff by setting it out by the curb, and someone will come along and decide it looks good and pick it up. (Possibly we have a lot of rednecks here.)

[ParadoxLost]

My pet peeve is that I'm between a rock and a hard place on trash collection, between thieving bastards #2 and thieving bastards #1.

Do I select current trash company that has decided yard waste costs $6.50 a bag and has to be called in every week to schedule pickup and hasn't shown for two out of the last three weeks for regular trash collection.  Pros they refund failure to pick up if you call.  Cons... everything else about them.

Or do I select former trash company who didn't show up for four out of six weeks before I cancelled and kept all the money I prepaid and every payment for missed service. Pro- they still pick up yard waste (although their picking up is more theory than fact).  Con - everything else about them.

I have also never spoken to representatives of companies who gave less of a shit about picking up or retaining customers than these two. They are quite literally worse than my cable company.  I need a third option.  But there isn't a third option.

[theredhead77]

2 hours ago, auntlada said:

Of course, sometimes you can get rid of stuff by setting it out by the curb, and someone will come along and decide it looks good and pick it up.

Oh I miss being able to do that! I set out stuff at my parents house when I help my mom with their garage during my vacation. In August 3 fans and a keyboard I had as a kid were gone in an hour. 

At my old place in CA our trash backed up to an alley and I left so much stuff out there. 

My apartment in GA had a great recycling area where you could leave stuff (you weren't supposed to leave furniture but people did).

The HOA of my townhouse complex had to put up cameras and sent out multiple notices that you can't leave your stuff out at the dumpster or the recycle area. I still leave small things like magazines, on top of the recycle bin. So far no hand slaps

Edited September 8, 2020 by theredhead77

[shapeshifter]

2 hours ago, ParadoxLost said:

My pet peeve is that I'm between a rock and a hard place on trash collection, between thieving bastards #2 and thieving bastards #1.

Do I select current trash company that has decided yard waste costs $6.50 a bag and has to be called in every week to schedule pickup and hasn't shown for two out of the last three weeks for regular trash collection.  Pros they refund failure to pick up if you call.  Cons... everything else about them.

Or do I select former trash company who didn't show up for four out of six weeks before I cancelled and kept all the money I prepaid and every payment for missed service. Pro- they still pick up yard waste (although their picking up is more theory than fact).  Con - everything else about them.

I have also never spoken to representatives of companies who gave less of a shit about picking up or retaining customers than these two. They are quite literally worse than my cable company.  I need a third option.  But there isn't a third option.

I’ve had to put up with spotty mail services from time to time, but I have been fortunate to live in places where I could never generate more garbage than the low, fixed-price City service provides. I am not sure which one of us is living in the alternate universe (or maybe on Mars) but our experiences are so different that only a sci-fi explanation seems to fit. But I suppose there are really unfair socioeconomic reasons that would explain the differences. ☹️

[ParadoxLost]

57 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

I’ve had to put up with spotty mail services from time to time, but I have been fortunate to live in places where I could never generate more garbage than the low, fixed-price City service provides. I am not sure which one of us is living in the alternate universe (or maybe on Mars) but our experiences are so different that only a sci-fi explanation seems to fit. But I suppose there are really unfair socioeconomic reasons that would explain the differences. ☹️

There is no county or city garbage service where I live.  I am at the mercy of two companies that make billions of dollars a year and have bought all of their smaller competitors.  .One of these companies (current) sent me a letter explaining their tale of economic woe that forced their new policies that made me so mad that I read their quarterly report just to see how much shit they were full of. They were full of a ton of shit.

What really gets me about the current company is that they won't provide a yard waste roll away to pick up, even at an additional charge.  They will only pick up bags with a stupidly high fee per bag with the customer arranging to have the truck come out each week.  Like they think no one is going to mow their lawn or something.  To me, they are playing fast and loose with environmental regulation.  They are prodding customers to put their yard waste in regular trash when its supposed to be separate while leaving an option to make them technically not responsible.

Because I expect that when one of these behemoths does something like this then the other will follow. I'm just adding pruning to my lawn service so there will be no yard waste.  Its cheaper than the haul away of the waste anyway.

What I can't figure out is an alternative for the garbage because there isn't one.

I am thinking about writing a local news station.  They seem to like to do stories on when my company doesn't show up to pick up the trash.  I doubt anything will come of it but I really don't like the potential environmental consequences. And talking to the reps at the company will do nothing.  I have never heard anyone so defeated about the possibility that they are empowered to do anything or so open about their belief that their company would not care.  They must be miserable.

Edited September 8, 2020 by ParadoxLost

[GaT]

5 hours ago, Angeltoes said:

Put them in an Amazon box and leave it at your front door.  A porch pirate will be by to get it.

Are you my neighbor? Actually, my street has been pretty lucky & not gotten hit by the porch/mail pirates, but it's a real problem in my town.  They just drive behind the delivery trucks & go pick up the packages as they're being left, even the USPS truck.

[shapeshifter]

38 minutes ago, ParadoxLost said:

I read their quarterly report just to see how much shit they were full of. They were full of a ton of shit

↑ This would make a great introduction to a story by your local news station on garbage service. 🙂

[SuprSuprElevated]

Regarding porch pirates.  I actually had a reverse pirate!  The Fed Ex folks delivered part of my Chewy order of cat litter (so think heavy) to a home several blocks away, and that homeowner/renter actually brought me the box!  I was surprised needless to say, and for at least that brief moment, had hope for humanity.

We too have been fortunate so far, and haven't been a victim of porch piracy.  I suspect that every passing day reduces the chance that it will continue.  They don't seem to be the least bit intimidated by the proliferation of doorbell/porch camera surveillance do they?

Bastids.

[Cobb Salad]

8 hours ago, theredhead77 said:

The HOA of my townhouse complex had to put up cameras and sent out multiple notices that you can't leave your stuff out at the dumpster or the recycle area. I still leave small things like magazines, on top of the recycle bin. So far no hand slaps

I wish mine would put out cameras.  We have 2 recycling sheds in different parts of my development that sometimes gets so full (sometimes based on the frequency of pickups, other times a combination of lots of people being home and a number of them not breaking down large cardboard boxes) that I’d barely be able to step inside to dump my recyclables.   The homeowners association hired someone a while back to tidy up the recyclables in the sheds for pickup.  Part of it includes taking out some non recyclable stuff like car brake parts and a Barbie Dream House.   It was getting so bad at one point they said association fees may need to go up to cover the increase of time it takes to do cleanup.  Following that note I noticed some boxes in the shed that weren’t broken down and had address labels on them.  So I took pictures and sent them to the property manager along with a complaint that I don’t want to pay higher fees due to others laziness.  She thanked me and said she’d send out warnings.  There’s still people not breaking down boxes but one of the board members is the self appointed “garbage nazi” and looks for offenders.  Then there’s been the instances where someone left a sofa by the dumpster, and another time a large screen TV which the association ends up paying to remove.  At least for the electronic stuff the county here has free drop off on designated Saturdays so there’s no excuse for people leaving that stuff by the dumpster. 

[Brookside]

Pet peeve, stores putting out holiday merchandise earlier and earlier every year.  Starbucks has had their pumpkin spice crap for weeks (somehow I know this and I don't even drink their over-roasted nastiness), Costco started selling nativity scenes at the beginning of August, maybe sooner (at that point I hadn't been inside a store since March).

[SuprSuprElevated]

Our local Goodwill bins have been removed, presumably due to COVID, but I really don't expect them to return, due to the constant abuse and misuse of their intended purpose.  Our county landfill allows a limited amount of free disposal to residents, but after that there is a fee.  I have to believe that most of these garbage drops at the Goodwill bin/recycle bin points are to avoid having to pay for disposal, coupled with convenience of their location.  When I have cardboard to drop off, I'm lucky to find a bin with any space left.  They're mostly overstuffed with unbroken cardboard, and other inappropriate miscelleanea.

People sure can suck.

[ParadoxLost]

12 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

↑ This would make a great introduction to a story by your local news station on garbage service. 🙂

I was thinking, my garbage service whose majority shareholder /owner is Bill Gates....  might get some attention if I take the fact that "basic sanitation" is one of the top 15 things his foundation is supposed to care about.

Brought to you by annoyance + wikipedia. 

[theredhead77]

Alright! I made some calls today and after being bounced around a bit I finally got someone at the Waste Disposal company who could answer my questions! They told me that dried / congealed paint can be considered trash and go right into the dumpster. I can bring it to them but they can't do anything but toss it. I also found out they will take the bucket of bonding agent used when the sellers updated their flooring as well as any eWaste.

[peacheslatour]

18 hours ago, ParadoxLost said:

Benjamin Moore will also dispose of it for you but there is a fee.

Also, your trash collection will let you know if they take paint dried with kitty litter

I love Benny Moore paints. I used to work in a custom paint shop and their's is the best paint I've ever dealt with. We sold Pratt and Lambert which was also excellent paint and we all said if we couldn't get P&L any more Benjamin Moore was the way to go. Ace Hardware was smart to start selling it.

[Mindthinkr]

I rarely go out these days. Today a special trip was made to Home Goods to get some things that I don’t want to buy online because the colors in person versus online can differ, and the feel of the material used. The place was pretty dang empty. They didn’t even have the usual displays of holiday stuff (Halloween and Thanksgiving are usually out at this time of year). Areas that used to have shelving are now just big empty spaces. I wonder that they can’t get items shipped in, or imported anymore. Especially from China. It was a wasted trip. 

[ParadoxLost]

2 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

I rarely go out these days. Today a special trip was made to Home Goods to get some things that I don’t want to buy online because the colors in person versus online can differ, and the feel of the material used. The place was pretty dang empty. They didn’t even have the usual displays of holiday stuff (Halloween and Thanksgiving are usually out at this time of year). Areas that used to have shelving are now just big empty spaces. I wonder that they can’t get items shipped in, or imported anymore. Especially from China. It was a wasted trip. 

I'm not surprised they are more or less empty.  They have a business model that has no online shopping option.  I would expect it to be very risky to stock the store as if shopping habits were no different as a result of covid.  I bet they aren't actually trying to fully stock the store. But they are probably also having problems getting items.

[BookWoman56]

On 8/29/2020 at 1:44 PM, Moose135 said:

After college, I went into the Air Force, and spent a year in pilot training in Mississippi.

At Columbus AFB? I lived in Columbus for a couple of years several decades ago. Keesler AFB also does training, but I think primarily for technical roles. In any case, accents in Columbus are quite different from accents in Biloxi. 

I only have myself to blame for this new pet peeve and it doesn't really affect me, but I fell into the rabbit hole of AITA videos on YouTube, and quite a few of them focused on weddings. So my new pet peeve is the wedding industry in general and the people who turn into dictators when they or family members are getting married, or who in general use the dynamics of a wedding to reveal that they are total jerks. My apparently unpopular opinions on the wedding industry and weddings in general include:

• A wedding that costs $2K is just as valid as a wedding that costs $20K or even $200K. Hell, a wedding ceremony at the courthouse that costs $200 total is just as valid.
• Unless everyone involved has a ton of disposable income, it's a jerk move to ask someone to be in the wedding party and expect them to spend $2K on bridesmaid dress/tux, travel, etc. 
• Whoever came up with the edict that all bridesmaids, regardless of differing body shapes, complexions, height, etc., must wear matching dresses (both color and design) is an idiot. WTF is wrong with just asking bridesmaids to wear something they like, so everybody feels good instead of one bridesmaid having a dress whose color and cut flatter her, and the other bridesmaids wearing dresses that they hate and make them look dreadful?
• Similarly, I do not see the BFD of a guest wearing something that is white, ivory, cream, etc., provided it's not an actual wedding dress. Do people really think that the guests are going to mistake a woman wearing a regular dress that happens to be a cream color for the actual bride wearing a fancy wedding dress? Apart from the dress color, if your wedding guests don't know what the bride looks like enough to distinguish her from someone else, then maybe they shouldn't be attending your wedding.
• Parents who set up wedding funds for their kids: If you have more than one kid, then the amounts should be equal. Don't rob one kid's wedding fund or college fund to pay for another kid's wedding. 
• Parents who do not set up wedding funds for their kids: Don't do stupid things like taking out a 2nd mortgage to pay for an extravagant wedding for your kid. The couple getting married and the parents, if they're going to pay for it or chip in, need to set expectations early about needs versus wants and realistic budgets, and stick to them.
• Finally, somebody else's wedding is not an appropriate venue for a guest to propose to another guest, announce a pregnancy, come out, or throw an impromptu birthday party for a child, unless the couple getting married has explicitly approved the extraneous activity well ahead of time. 

[Katy M]

4 hours ago, BookWoman56 said:

Parents who do not set up wedding funds for their kids: Don't do stupid things like taking out a 2nd mortgage to pay for an extravagant wedding for your kid. The couple getting married and the parents, if they're going to pay for it or chip in, need to set expectations early about needs versus wants and realistic budgets, and stick to them.

Don't even get me started on this.  People should pay for their own weddings.  If parents want to pay for one aspect as their wedding gift, great.  But, the entitlement surrounding weddings is just nutso.

[SuprSuprElevated]

@BookWoman56 - Your 2nd and 3rd points above!  I realize that weddings are steeped in traditions that seem to force some to suspend all sense (common or otherwise), but seriously.  I would add that this whole destination wedding thing has gotten out of hand also.  Be mindful of inviting folks to a wedding that will necessitate them to lay out $thousands$ in order to attend.  Not everyone has the ability or the inclination to spend mortgage payments to share your joy.  I know, I know, regrets can be given, but sometimes it's difficult to turn down close family/friends.

[annzeepark914]

I'm annoyed by the whole *surprise* proposal thing.  I know a couple who went to Australia to get engaged. We kept getting updates from the bride to be ("it hasn't happened yet!"). This stupid wedding industry can turn normally sane, nice folks into goofballs, IMO. At least this couple's wedding was calm & lovely. 

 

 

 

 

[Moose135]

7 hours ago, BookWoman56 said:

At Columbus AFB? I lived in Columbus for a couple of years several decades ago. Keesler AFB also does training, but I think primarily for technical roles. In any case, accents in Columbus are quite different from accents in Biloxi. 

Yes, I was at Columbus! Born and raised on Long Island, it was like a different planet, but some really nice people.

[Katy M]

2 hours ago, annzeepark914 said:

I'm annoyed by the whole *surprise* proposal thing.  I know a couple who went to Australia to get engaged. We kept getting updates from the bride to be ("it hasn't happened yet!"). This stupid wedding industry can turn normally sane, nice folks into goofballs, IMO. At least this couple's wedding was calm & lovely. 

 

 

 

 

On a related note, we got a break from it this year, but am I the only one who thinks that promposals are ridiculous?  What happened to "hey, you want to go to the prom?"  If you want to be more formal you can leave off the "hey." 😆

 

I read one story (who knows if it's true or not, to be fair), that parents flew their son and his gf to HI so he could ask her to the prom.

[KittyMom4]

On weddings and their ridiculousness, I am in total agreement. I don't understand how people justify spending $$$$ on one friggin' day! And all the "traditions" that surround it seem steeped in chauvinism, elitism and misogyny, too many fairy princess fantasies IMO. In 2020 the bride and groom should be responsible for their own wedding costs, not the BRIDE's parents and it shouldn't be a competition to see who can spend the most. No one should be made to feel "cheap" because they didn't want the largest venue with all the trimmings. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing 'all the pretty things' that go along with big weddings, I just don't think it should be a standard. Right now it's highlighted for me because I was supposed to go to two weddings this month, both downsized to 50 people due to the pandemic, and I've had to hear how "My daughter won't get her special day that she dreamed of!!" Really? It's not special enough to be married to the man/woman you love? It's not special enough to have your immediate family and close friends as witnesses, it needs to be an SRO crowd of 250-300 people to make it "special"? Sorry. Rant over. 

On garbage/recycling issues, I blame cities and towns that don't offer ways to get rid of large items or make it difficult to do so. We have eRecycling center but their hours are Wednesday's 1:00-6:00pm and Saturday's 8:00-12:00pm. And if you have to dispose of hazardous waste (paint, anti-freeze, etc.) you have to make an appointment to do so and they are booked out 2 months at this point.  You do have to pay a minimal fee to dispose of electronics but most of it is free to do it, you just have to make the time which isn't always easy. For things like couches and mattresses, there should be some place that will tear them down to be disposed of, and/or rehabbed to be used again. If they are not useable, why can't towns and cities provide a service, with a small fee to pick them up? That way they don't sit on the curb for 2 - 3 weeks until their sopping wet and full of bugs or rodents? 

[Quof]

24 minutes ago, BexKeps said:

It's not special enough to have your immediate family and close friends as witnesses, it needs to be an SRO crowd of 250-300 people to make it "special"?

And throw in a cash bar, because they can't afford to provide booze for 250-300 people.  Then don't invite 250-300 people if you can't host them properly.  Would you invite someone to dinner at your house, but charge them for beverages?  

Edited September 9, 2020 by Quof

[BookWoman56]

5 hours ago, SuprSuprElevated said:

I would add that this whole destination wedding thing has gotten out of hand also.  Be mindful of inviting folks to a wedding that will necessitate them to lay out $thousands$ in order to attend. 

If this pandemic has any potential good, it might be that more people realize they can have a small wedding wherever the fuck they want to, and use Zoom or something similar to share the wedding ceremony with other family members/friends who can't come in person. Again, unless everyone involved has a ton of disposable income, expecting people to spend thousands of dollars to travel to a destination wedding is a jerk move. And even if everyone has the money, people shouldn't feel obligated to travel to exotic location ABC just to attend a wedding. 

I am old enough that when I got married the first time, the expectation was that the bride's family paid for the wedding and the groom's family paid for the rehearsal dinner. But this was back when wedding costs were much more reasonable, and there wasn't this mindset that if you couldn't have a lavish dinner for 300 guests at your reception, plus days of OTT bachelor and bachelorette parties, an outrageously expensive wedding dress and bridesmaid dresses, a live band at the reception, etc., then you might as well not bother having a wedding. These days, it makes more sense for the couple to pay for their own wedding and avoid the clashes of two sets of in-laws demanding things for the wedding that the couple themselves don't want. I personally can't see the point of parents spending $50K on a wedding for their kid; if the parents have that kind of money dedicated for a wedding, it makes much more sense to me to give your son or daughter the money to use toward a house instead. 

Also, to add to my original list earlier: Just because a family member or friend has a business providing a service that the wedding party will want, such as a bakery, florist shop, photography, etc., does not mean that the family member/friend is in any way obligated to provide those services for free to the couple getting married. If they do offer the services gratis, that is their wedding gift to the couple and nobody should be demanding an additional wedding present. 

[Katy M]

1 hour ago, BexKeps said:

n 2020 the bride and groom should be responsible for their own wedding costs, not the BRIDE's parents and it shouldn't be a competition to see who can spend the most. No one should be made to feel "cheap" because they didn't want the largest venue with all the trimmings. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing 'all the pretty things' that go along with big weddings,

That reminds me of another peeve.  I got into an online argument years ago on an etiquette discussion board of all places.  Most people on there were absolutely adamant that it was the rudest thing you could do to have a wedding and not provide alcohol.  I'm not talking about the cash bar/free debate.  I agree you shouldn't charge for drinks.  But, just not having alcoholic drinks.  Doesn't matter if the bride or groom or close family member is an alcoholic or doesn't drink for whatever reason.  Alcohol must be provided.  So, my pet peeve is people who think that they can;'t go two hours or so without a drink and still have fun.  That's your issue.  Not the bride and groom's.

[PRgal]

On weddings:  I wanted a croque en bouche instead of a "traditional" wedding cake, but my (now) husband said his family would "expect" a cake.  Because all the Jewish weddings he's been to had them.  Well, all the Chinese weddings I've been to had them too, but I wanted to be different.  And honestly, an all apps and desserts reception would have been great too.  Good thing my parents didn't care that I didn't wear a kwa (Chinese (or, rather, southern/Cantonese two piece gown IN ADDITION to my white dress and another wardrobe change).  Nor did they care that I didn't want a long fong ack (some sort of bracelet that Chinese brides wear).  I'm not big on bling.  I hate bling, actually.  

As for  big weddings, a lot of it is a cultural thing.  My South Asian friends said that their parents would freak if they didn't go all out.  They, being Canadian-born, probably wouldn't care what THEIR kids do.  Heck, they'd be okay if their kids had same-sex spouses.

[TattleTeeny]

Quote

And throw in a cash bar, because they can't afford to provide booze for 250-300 people.  Then don't invite 250-300 people if you can't host them properly.  Would you invite someone to dinner at your house, but charge them for beverages?  

Well, I probably couldn't afford to pay for a full bar's worth of booze for that many people (especially considering the people my BF and I know). But maybe I am some kind of magical creature with friends who wouldn't mind, much less mock me, for having a cash bar (much like I have never done to anyone)?

Edited September 9, 2020 by TattleTeeny

[PRgal]

3 minutes ago, TattleTeeny said:

Well, I probably couldn't afford to pay for a full bar's worth of booze for that many people (especially considering the people my BF and I know). But maybe I am some kind of magical creature with friends who wouldn't mind, much less mock me, for having a cash bar (much like I have never done to anyone)?

Bar was included with my venue's reception package.  

[theatremouse]

It's like people want it both ways. If you and betrothed do not drink, and maybe one of your families also doesn't for religious reasons, why have a bar. Then the "it's tremendously rude to have no bar" people pipe up. I think it's totally fair in that context to say, fine, you can't go hours/enjoy my party without a drink, we'll have a cash bar so you can get whatever booze you want, but we personally do not participate. Then you're considered gauche for that. It's like...we're providing plenty of beverages. They're just not boozy. Either accept the no booze or accept the option to buy your own, but don't make people who preferred no booze at their own event buy you booze.

[Quof]

2 minutes ago, theatremouse said:

but don't make people who preferred no booze at their own event buy you booze.

Would you say the same thing about dessert, or any other course in the meal?  "We don't like dessert, so we're not serving it, but you can buy your own off the menu."   "We're serving chicken, but you can upgrade to the beef if you pay the difference."  

Either provide every part of the meal for your guests, at your expense, or don't have it available at all.  A wedding is not an excuse to forego basic hosting etiquette.  You wouldn't do that at any other kind of function.  

[Katy M]

12 minutes ago, Quof said:

Would you say the same thing about dessert, or any other course in the meal?  "We don't like dessert, so we're not serving it, but you can buy your own off the menu."   "We're serving chicken, but you can upgrade to the beef if you pay the difference."  

Either provide every part of the meal for your guests, at your expense, or don't have it available at all.  A wedding is not an excuse to forego basic hosting etiquette.  You wouldn't do that at any other kind of function.  

the other thing is though, if you have a cash bar, that's technically run by the venue.  Therefore, if one of your guests goes out and gets in an accident, you're not liable.  If you are providing the alcohol, you very may well be.  That's also not a concern with dessert or chicken.  But, basically, I fall into the no alcohol at all at my reception group.  It will be in the basement of my church so having alcohol isn't really even an option.

[Quof]

Open bar is not a liquor buffet.  You hire a bartender, who is trained not to overserve, you don't allow guests to help themselves. 

Edited September 9, 2020 by Quof

[theatremouse]

23 minutes ago, Quof said:

Would you say the same thing about dessert, or any other course in the meal?  "We don't like dessert, so we're not serving it, but you can buy your own off the menu."   "We're serving chicken, but you can upgrade to the beef if you pay the difference."  

Either provide every part of the meal for your guests, at your expense, or don't have it available at all.  A wedding is not an excuse to forego basic hosting etiquette.  You wouldn't do that at any other kind of function.  

I guess we disagree that alcoholic beverages are "part of the meal". I also wouldn't be serving chicken or beef since I'm a vegetarian, and I'm sure some people might be pissed there's no meat at the function either. I wouldn't say "you can pay the difference" but I might just say "if you really can't go that long without eating meat, feel free to eat your own food before/after the event." I'm not speaking in the context of "I just don't like it". I'm referring to the couple actively having a prohibition on the thing for either belief or medical reasons. I'd not judge someone for having different circumstances and consuming what they want to consume on their own, but for example, I'm not complaining if a Jewish couple's wedding is Kosher; I'm not complaining if a Mormon wedding is dry.

[KittyMom4]

1 hour ago, BookWoman56 said:

I am old enough that when I got married the first time, the expectation was that the bride's family paid for the wedding and the groom's family paid for the rehearsal dinner. But this was back when wedding costs were much more reasonable,

Yes, my first wedding was also paid for by my family, it was also my mom and dad that did all the planning as I was not interested in a big party, they were.. Also, in 1990 it was still pretty common that women did not hold jobs, let alone high paying ones. These days both partners usually* work full time and women have more** opportunity to be in high level positions. If, as a parent, you helped put your son or daughter through college so that they'd be promoted to those positions, then why would you feel obligated to pay for their wedding? Shouldn't that expectation go out the window along with women being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen? Shouldn't the groom have some skin in the game as far as funding a big shindig that his family in friends will also be a part of? 

I guess for me, the expectation that the bride's parents should foot the bill because they should have to "pay" to give away their daughter makes me squeemish. If my daughters partner feels there's a cost to marrying her, and her family should pay it, she is probably not marrying the right guy. 

 

 

 

*I say usually because I don't want to color every relationship with the same marker, if you are able to stay home while your partner works, good for you!

**more, but not enough 😉 

 

[Trini]

1 hour ago, Quof said:

Either provide every part of the meal for your guests, at your expense, or don't have it available at all.  A wedding is not an excuse to forego basic hosting etiquette.  You wouldn't do that at any other kind of function.  

I have to disagree that serving alcohol = "basic hosting etiquette". Especially if the hosts (or family) don't drink.

Edited September 9, 2020 by Trini
grammar!

[Quof]

I have no problem with hosts saying "no alcohol" or "no meat", for whatever reason they might have - guests can go without for one meal.  But basic hosting etiquette  = not charging your guests.