The Merrifields: Dannielle, Garrick and Roberta, "the Brazilian bombshell"

[PrincessPurrsALot]

THE MERRIFIELDS

Dannielle Merrifield, Garrick Merrifield

The Merrifields live in Colorado, have been happily married for 13 years and now they are getting divorced, for polygamy! Garrick believes God led them to a plural lifestyle, and once Dannielle agreed, it wasn’t long before they met their dream sister wife, a Brazilian bombshell named Roberta, who speaks only Portuguese. The Merrifields love her so much that they are divorcing so Garrick can legally marry Roberta and get her a visa to come and live with them in Colorado. When they reunite in Mexico, Dannielle begins to question their future together.

[crazycatlady58]

7 hours ago, PrincessPurrsALot said:

THE MERRIFIELDS

Dannielle Merrifield, Garrick Merrifield

The Merrifields live in Colorado, have been happily married for 13 years and now they are getting divorced, for polygamy! Garrick believes God led them to a plural lifestyle, and once Dannielle agreed, it wasn’t long before they met their dream sister wife, a Brazilian bombshell named Roberta, who speaks only Portuguese. The Merrifields love her so much that they are divorcing so Garrick can legally marry Roberta and get her a visa to come and live with them in Colorado. When they reunite in Mexico, Dannielle begins to question their future together.

I wish we had or there was  an emoji for " You have got to be kidding me what possibly could go wrong here."

[Azanscrazyhair]

Ahh, I smell a crossover!!!!!

90 Day meets Seeking Sister Wife

[suzeecat]

Does anyone else think this dude looks like he could be Joel Osteen's son?  That's all I see when they show him. 

[Twopper]

On 3/12/2021 at 8:05 AM, Azanscrazyhair said:

Ahh, I smell a crossover!!!!!

90 Day meets Seeking Sister Wife

yeah,  but the Snowdens are trying  to import someone from South Africa and they have more TLC experience plus Ashley and Dmitri actually seem to like each other.   Dannielle seems so miserable, naive, and dumb.  She needs to binge-watch Sister Wives and take a lesson from Meri Brown's experience.  

[LakeGal]

 have been happily married for 13 years 

Dannielle said Garrick had printed out divorce papers in the past.  That doesn't sound Happily Married to me.  

I felt like he forced her to keep praying till she agreed with what he wanted.  

[Pepper Mostly]

On 3/24/2021 at 9:10 AM, LakeGal said:

 have been happily married for 13 years 

Dannielle said Garrick had printed out divorce papers in the past.  That doesn't sound Happily Married to me.  

I felt like he forced her to keep praying till she agreed with what he wanted.  

I think that's what they all do. These creepy, condescending dickweeds annoy me no end. They're so fucking smug. And their poor wives are so cowed they agree to anything just to keep these assholes. The way Danielle slapped that hectic grin on her face and laughed and laughed at any inane thing that twit Garrick said! I wanted to hurl. They've already talked about divorce. What is his endgame? Is this the ultimate "act like a dick so she'll break up with you" ploy? 

[AZChristian]

On 3/23/2021 at 5:46 AM, suzeecat said:

Does anyone else think this dude looks like he could be Joel Osteen's son?  That's all I see when they show him. 

Finally got to actually watch the show today.  Absolutely looks like he could be closely related to Joel Osteen.  

[Twopper]

On 3/24/2021 at 8:10 AM, LakeGal said:

Dannielle said Garrick had printed out divorce papers in the past.  That doesn't sound Happily Married to me.  

I felt like he forced her to keep praying till she agreed with what he wanted.  

I can't stand him.  He is the Fibber McGee of this season.

Then they lie to the judge that the marriage is irretrievably broken down.   Just wait til the judge sees this show.  But Wait!!!! there are cameras in the courtroom.  The judge is going to be on the show.  Did the TLC crew lie about what show they are filming?

I can barely watch them because she is so unhappy.  She also looks like a person I went to school with, but I am a lot older and that person wasn't named Dannielle.  I thnk her brother and SIL know she is unhappy.  I think her parents are in denial, but I think also that if they come out fully opposed to what is happening, that she will cut them   off.     I hate this, especially since there are young children involved.

 

Edited March 30, 2021 by Twopper

[AZChristian]

8 minutes ago, Twopper said:

Then they lie to the judge that the marriage is irretrievably broken down.   Just wait til the judge sees this show.  But Wait!!!! there are cameras in the courtroom.  The judge is going to be on the show.  Did the TLC crew lie about what show they are filming?

Or, more likely:

They pretend to lie to the actor pretending to be a judge in a "courtroom" that the marriage is irretrievably broken down.  Just wait 'til the actor pretending to be a judge sees this show.  He'll expect an academy award!  Of course there are cameras in the "courtroom."  They are filming a fake divorce hearing.  Everyone picks up their paychecks on their way out the door.

When Kodi Brown "adopted" Robyn's kids, there was a similar "hearing" scene.  Most of us thought that was fake, too.

Reality TV.  Not reality.

Edited March 30, 2021 by AZChristian
. goes inside of "

[Twopper]

Just now, AZChristian said:

Or, more likely:

They pretend to lie to the actor pretending to be a judge in a "courtroom" that the marriage is irretrievably broken down.  Just wait 'til the actor pretending to be a judge sees this show.  He'll expect an academy award!  Of course there are cameras in the "courtroom".  They are filming a fake divorce hearing.  Everyone picks up their paychecks on their way out the door.

When Kodi Brown "adopted" Robyn's kids, there was a similar "hearing" scene.  Most of us thought that was fake, too.

Reality TV.  Not reality.

Yeah,  a totally faked proceeding.  I really should have some caffeine before I post.  I do think she is distraught about it.   And I feel sorry for their kids.

[AZChristian]

9 minutes ago, Twopper said:

I do think she is distraught about it.   And I feel sorry for their kids.

I agree with you 100% about this.  

[jacksgirl]

Yep, the judge stuff was probably fake, but Dannielle's pain is not. Garrick is getting into Mike from 90 Fiance Territory. Who is treating someone they purport to love worse?

[Pepper Mostly]

4 hours ago, Twopper said:

 

I can barely watch them because she is so unhappy.  She also looks like a person I went to school with, but I am a lot older and that person wasn't named Dannielle.  I thnk her brother and SIL know she is unhappy.  I think her parents are in denial, but I thing also that if they come out fully opposed to what is happening, that she will cut them   off.     I hate this, especially since there are young children involved.

 

Her misery is palpable. I want to shake her! Does she realize that she's going to end up with NOTHING? As the BIL (or someone, I was listening to the show while I was doing something else) pointed out, what if Creepy Boy dies? She will have no protection, no status, nothing. She'll be a divorcee with two kids and not a penny to her name. New wife will get the house and any assets. And when I'm done shaking her, I want to shake her stupid, smug husband. "God wants me to do this" he intones. He is repulsive and so smarmy. 

And yes, Danielle's poor parents are probably pretending to go along so they can still see their grandkids. Horrible situation all around. 

[Booger666]

Looks like they are both hot messes.  Ugh.

[candall]

On 3/29/2021 at 5:40 PM, Pepper Mostly said:

I think that's what they all do. These creepy, condescending dickweeds annoy me no end. They're so fucking smug. And their poor wives are so cowed they agree to anything just to keep these assholes. The way Danielle slapped that hectic grin on her face and laughed and laughed at any inane thing that twit Garrick said! I wanted to hurl. They've already talked about divorce. What is his endgame? Is this the ultimate "act like a dick so she'll break up with you" ploy? 

Preach.

I think we need to form a Seal Team and frogman in there to rescue this dimwit sister.

NEVER relinquish your legal rights and depend on your man to protect your interests.  Were you born on the moon?

 

And this guy has the polished steel balls to say "my heart is divided equally" between a)his wife and partner and roommate of thirteen years and b)the girl from Ipanema, who has no language in common, and with whom he spent a fun nine days on a beach vacation in Mexico.

Hmm.  Raised three children together  <----->  looks fine in a bikini.

Same same.

[Pepper Mostly]

He couldn't keep his hands off his hot new "wife"! And seriously, "the large wife"? I hope Danielle can keep the door from hitting her on the way out. Garrick is so blinded by his lust for the new one he can't even be bothered to show Danielle a modicum of kindness. 

And he's soooooo full of himself. "Look upon me, the mighty MANLY MAN! I can have as many women as I want! I am a god!" He makes me ill. 

[xwordfanatik]

2 hours ago, Pepper Mostly said:

He couldn't keep his hands off his hot new "wife"! And seriously, "the large wife"? I hope Danielle can keep the door from hitting her on the way out. Garrick is so blinded by his lust for the new one he can't even be bothered to show Danielle a modicum of kindness. 

And he's soooooo full of himself. "Look upon me, the mighty MANLY MAN! I can have as many women as I want! I am a god!" He makes me ill. 

He gives me the willies.  What a smug and selfish asshole.  These men that cite religion as their reason for being horndogs are repulsive.

[sainte-chapelle]

3 hours ago, Pepper Mostly said:

He couldn't keep his hands off his hot new "wife"! And seriously, "the large wife"? I hope Danielle can keep the door from hitting her on the way out. Garrick is so blinded by his lust for the new one he can't even be bothered to show Danielle a modicum of kindness. 

And he's soooooo full of himself. "Look upon me, the mighty MANLY MAN! I can have as many women as I want! I am a god!" He makes me ill. 

I hope she placed some terms in the divorce decree to protect herself. Who am I kidding of course she didn't!  Maybe Roberta will poison him and Danielle and Roberta will run off together. I would somewhat love that.  Disclaimer: I dont condone murder. Do not murder. 

Edited April 6, 2021 by sainte-chapelle

[Pepper Mostly]

I think Danielle wouldn't mind putting in a little sexytime with Roberta. But I don't think Roberta is interested. She's got her eyes on Garrick. Some prize. 

[princelina]

Of the many creepy things about this guy, one that has gone unmentioned thus far is his use of the word "sister" for his (ex)wife - "Let's put Sister to bed" he says to the new girl -😖

[Madding crowd]

I mentioned the use of sis in my post above and I think it’s a psychological way of letting Roberta know that Danielle is not a romantic partner for him. If my husband started calling me sis I would be seriously creeped out.

Edited April 6, 2021 by Madding crowd

[Pepper Mostly]

Danielle is going to be doing all the cooking, cleaning and child care, while Roberta lounges in a hammock, eating grapes (peeled by Danielle), or soaks in luxurious bubble baths (drawn by Danielle). Danielle is going to end up unpaid labor in Garrick and Roberta's love shack. Sometimes she'll be allowed to take the kids to the movies so Garrick and Roberta can get down without inhibition. Sickening, and she's prepared to put up with it. 

[AZChristian]

19 hours ago, sainte-chapelle said:

I hope she placed some terms in the divorce decree to protect herself. 

I know the "divorce proceedings" were brief to fit time available on the show, but I was wondering why the "judge" didn't (on camera) confirm that a child support plan had been agreed upon and made part of the "divorce."  (I think the whole thing was fake.)  No judge would just say, "Is the marriage irretrievably broken?  Oh, okay, here's your decree of divorce."  Family court judges usually consider the support of the children a MAJOR issue to be dealt with, regardless of whether the divorce was agreed upon by both parties.

[Persnickety1]

6 hours ago, AZChristian said:

I know the "divorce proceedings" were brief to fit time available on the show, but I was wondering why the "judge" didn't (on camera) confirm that a child support plan had been agreed upon and made part of the "divorce."  (I think the whole thing was fake.)  No judge would just say, "Is the marriage irretrievably broken?  Oh, okay, here's your decree of divorce."  Family court judges usually consider the support of the children a MAJOR issue to be dealt with, regardless of whether the divorce was agreed upon by both parties.

I wondered about that same exact thing.  

I'm old and mean, though, so I was sort of hoping Dannielle would incur a big fat perjury charge and maybe some sort of fraud charges because they're going through this charade to drag over Roberta on a K1 visa.  

I've no pity for Dannielle (even before I read that interesting info posted above).  She's agreed to all of this and is professing Roberta is her bestest friend ever...even though they can't communicate without an app and the only thing they appear to have in common is Garrick.  

She's an idiot and deserves whatever is in store for her, as do Garrick and Roberta.  

The only ones I feel sorry for in this mess are the children.  The kids always have my sympathy in bullshit adult shenanigans like this.  😕  

[Emmeline]

I was also wondering if there was any financial settlement in the divorce.  After reading the info about the bankruptcy perhaps they didn’t have any assets to divide?  If it’s a 50/50 custody agreement does he have to pay her any suppprt.  It’s also possible he was holding the DUI over her head to push her to agree to the divorce.  It’s sickening 🤮 that these people reset their own narrative to feel comfortable with their twisted lifestyles.  

[Twopper]

3 hours ago, Emmeline said:

I was also wondering if there was any financial settlement in the divorce.  After reading the info about the bankruptcy perhaps they didn’t have any assets to divide?  If it’s a 50/50 custody agreement does he have to pay her any suppprt.  It’s also possible he was holding the DUI over her head to push her to agree to the divorce.  It’s sickening 🤮 that these people reset their own narrative to feel comfortable with their twisted lifestyles.  

It costs money to bring someone over on a K-1, but I am hoping someone calls the immigration people and has them watch this show so maybe Roberta will be denied.  This is a very creepy couple even without Roberta.  Actually, the whole "cast" are creepy, but this couple gives off really creepy and sketchy vibes.  I can barely watch them..  In fact, I still haven't watched the entire episode.

[EtheltoTillie]

22 hours ago, AZChristian said:

I know the "divorce proceedings" were brief to fit time available on the show, but I was wondering why the "judge" didn't (on camera) confirm that a child support plan had been agreed upon and made part of the "divorce."  (I think the whole thing was fake.)  No judge would just say, "Is the marriage irretrievably broken?  Oh, okay, here's your decree of divorce."  Family court judges usually consider the support of the children a MAJOR issue to be dealt with, regardless of whether the divorce was agreed upon by both parties.

It has to be fake in some way.  No court would have allowed that filming.  Plus all the other things you said. 

10 hours ago, Twopper said:

It costs money to bring someone over on a K-1, but I am hoping someone calls the immigration people and has them watch this show so maybe Roberta will be denied.  This is a very creepy couple even without Roberta.  Actually, the whole "cast" are creepy, but this couple gives off really creepy and sketchy vibes.  I can barely watch them..  In fact, I still haven't watched the entire episode.

This times 1000.  I share office space with a bunch of immigration attorneys, and I have heard them talk to clients about marriage cases.  This is such a red flag.  Maybe Immigration would decide it's a "real" marriage because they're so open about their nutty situation.  Remember the famous episode of Taxi, where Latke and Simka fought so much in front of the immigration officer that the officer decided it had to be a real marriage. 

Edited April 8, 2021 by GussieK

[PrincessPurrsALot]

I assume the divorce proceedings were a "reenactment".  Divorces aren't one question affairs.  You both want out?  Okay. Done. Next! 

[Alonzo Mosely FBI]

Garrick is a monster, Dannielle and her crooked mouth deserves love and importantly self love, I feel SO badly for her she is so beaten down and he has no feeling for her, nothing. 

[monagatuna]

On 4/14/2021 at 4:36 AM, Alonzo Mosely FBI said:

Dannielle and her crooked mouth

She looks like a South Park character.

But the more I see it, the more it becomes almost endearing. It works for her. I hope she learns to love herself. She does deserve a partner who won't break her heart every single day.

[Alonzo Mosely FBI]

2 hours ago, monagatuna said:

She looks like a South Park character.

But the more I see it, the more it becomes almost endearing. It works for her. I hope she learns to love herself. She does deserve a partner who won't break her heart every single day.

I totally agree, when she does it with a pause I almost feel like it is affect, she is searching for the words to express her authentic self, I don't feel she even knows who that is. 

[Maine86Heavy]

On 3/23/2021 at 11:32 AM, Twopper said:

 

"Yeah,  but the Snowdens are trying  to import someone from South Africa and they have more TLC experience plus Ashley and Dmitri actually seem to like each other.   Dannielle seems so miserable, naive, and dumb.  She needs to binge-watch Sister Wives and take a lesson from Meri Brown's experience. "

I 100% agree. Dimitri and Ashley are a solid couple/family. The Merrifields.....well I will share my take on the situation. To me Garrick WANTED to divorce Danielle regardless of Roberta. It is INCREDIBLY telling, that Garrick has done ABSOLUTELY nothing,  to comfort Danielle and reassure her, of their relationship. This relationship is in stark contrast to all the others. I feel so badly for Danielle 

[Semanire]

So Mr. All Religious who is following want God wants is all about this premarital sex. Such a slimy man. This is 100% his excuse to just sleep around. 

[LEILANI2]

Danielle reminds me of Joan Cusack.

What woman in her right mind would put up with this insanity.  Poor Danielle has lost her damn mind.

[Pepper Mostly]

On 4/14/2021 at 7:36 AM, Alonzo Mosely FBI said:

Garrick is a monster, Dannielle and her crooked mouth deserves love and importantly self love, I feel SO badly for her she is so beaten down and he has no feeling for her, nothing. 

She's a bother to him. He's going to keep treating her like shit until she walks. Then he'll whimper about how he was called by god and that she just couldn't overcome her jealousy. 

I think she's missing a tooth somewhere on the left side. The way she holds her mouth looks like she's trying to hide it. 

[OdinO.]

She said she stole him from her best friend. She should have known better.

[EtheltoTillie]

I have tried to find updates on this couple and can't find any.  I guess they don't let them post on social media while the show is airing.

[AZChristian]

4 hours ago, GussieK said:

I have tried to find updates on this couple and can't find any.  I guess they don't let them post on social media while the show is airing.

The only thing I saw was a report that Dannielle's FB contains pictures of her and the kids, none of Derrick and Roberta.  Derrick's FB has pictures of him and Roberta . . . none of Dannielle.

Sadly, this makes me happy for Dannielle.

[Auntie Anxiety]

5 hours ago, OdinO. said:

She said she stole him from her best friend. She should have known better.

Stupid people never learn. They refuse to read that memo about history repeating itself, which applies to ALL facets of life.

[Auntie Anxiety]

I’ll reiterate what I stated somewhere: I believe that Garrick told Dannnielle (hahaha @Mothra) that he’s going to cheat on her (AND THEIR KIDS) regardless of what she wanted and she could was either on the bus or off the bus (Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test was my bible (heh) in the 70’s). She thought she could convince herself to be on the bus but she couldn’t deal with it when push came to shove. I get it.

[AZChristian]

13 minutes ago, Auntie Anxiety said:

I’ll reiterate what I stated somewhere: I believe that Garrick told Dannnielle (hahaha @Mothra) that he’s going to cheat on her (AND THEIR KIDS) regardless of what she wanted and she could was either on the bus or off the bus (Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test was my bible (heh) in the 70’s). She thought she could convince herself to be on the bus but she couldn’t deal with it when push came to shove. I get it.

He shoved her off the bus and then drove over her.  Jerk.

[Alonzo Mosely FBI]

I haven't watched all of it but what I have watched he hasn't talked about why this is a groovy thing to  do or why the premarital sex is okay. What explanation does he give?  I feel like God just tells him it's okay but not why or how to go about it.  

[Mothra]

This is God with a couple of messages for Dannnnielle.  The rest of you can move on.  Repeat:  I'm talking to Dannnnielle right now, through my beloved servant, Mothra.
 

Spoiler

 

Dannnnnnnielle, are you paying attention?  It's really Me, not that phony baloney Garlic claims to hear from all the time, telling Us that his dick is being guided by My Hand.   I don't know where that fucker gets off, blaming me for his horniness but I've got something special waiting for him on The Other Side.  He may think that at worst he'll hit Circle Two, for lust, but I'm moving that guy all the way to Eight.  Come get fitted for your leaden robe, Garlic.

My first Message to you, my daughter, concerns the Sacred Letter N.  You are not the sharpest tool in the box, well-loved daughter, but you seem to have a sense related to the low cunning of some of my less successful Creation, and you feel somehow that N is special and should therefore be over-used.  Hear the error of your ways, my child.

N is indeed a special, even Holy, letter, being number 14 in the only alphabet the Deity (me) considers not evil.  Fourteen is a one and a four.  One plus four equals five, which alone should have given you a clue that you were on the wrong path.  Five is the number of the Holy Name Nancy, which as you can see now, contains two Ns, as you believed your own poor name should contain.  When that didn't work, you went nuts with the Ns, and I (God) am beginning to be Offended.  So stop that Right Now.  One N only for you, or, better yet, change thy name to Michelle.

The so-called (soi-disant) "N-plops" that you have discerned are not intended for you, beloved one, so if thou wouldst please the Lord (me), stop trying to figure them out.  Thou hast no control over voter suppression or police reform.

Thus endeth the First Message from God (me) to Dannnnnnnnielle.

 

Back to thy normal broadcasting.

 

[Ciarrai]

When I think Brazilian bombshell I think women like Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio. Definitely not Roberta and her back rolls and braces.

[Mothra]

What follows is another celestial message from Me (God) for Dannnnnnielle.  It does not concern anyone else, so if you were brought up right, you'll move right along.
 

Spoiler

 

My beloved daughter, Dannnnnnnnielle, I (God) speak unto thee again through My faithful servant Mothra, who btw types this in a religious ecstasy (take a look at that statue of St. Teresa; it's like that, only with a keyboard), who will remember nothing of what she hath typed, and because she was brought up right, will not read this message.  This is just between thou and Me.

First of all, beloved, thou knowest that on more than one occasion, Mothra hath offered to help you off Garlic.  Mothra's offer would be sincere were Mothra not such a Godly (Mely) person, although Mothra doth truly believe she could perform this act of charity.  Knowest thou, Dannnnnielle, that I (God) oppose murder 100%.  It is right off the table, no questions asked.  However.  There existeth loopholes, like Just War, which might allow what some would term murder to be jake with Me (God).  Mothra is studious and a regular pain-in-the-Ass with her nit-picking, so I (God) will have to see what she cometh up with.  But as a guiding principle, murder is right out.

Second, I wish to give you relief from your suffering.  Knowest thou that the angels and I (God) are having a good laugh at Garlic.  While it annoyeth Me to no end (and I know about things without end) that Garlic wanteth to pretend that it is My Mighty Hand tugging his dick toward strange, I (God) have refrained from smiting his ass because of the entertainment he doth provide for Me and My heavenly posse.

Last time I (God) paid any attention to this worm's castings, he was trying to justify his desire for something juicier than the proper wife I have provided him (that would be you, beloved daughter), he went on again about how Abraham and those guys (*never* ask Abraham for directions--My Me) all had multiple wives, I (God!) wanted him to, too.  He opined that that way he would be following Jesus.  All of the cherubim and not a few of the older angels (Dominions and Thrones, mostly) didst piss themselves from laughing so hard.  I nearly tumbled from My Celestial Throne; were it not for magnetism, which was an add-on on Day Four, but totally worth the extra cost).

Hath Garlic never noticed that My Son (We) did not have even *one* wife?  I used to worry about Him (Us), but I realized that He (We) was (were) spending all His (Our) efforts on trying to show you idiots how to behave--which was, after all, the reason I (God) came down there--that He (We) simply didn't have time for a wife and family.*  If Garlic truly wanted to be more like My Son, he would stop chasing tail and start loving his enemies.  Or at least show up at church once in a while for a refresher course about the difference between the Old and the New Testament.  And a hint from the audience, Garlic:  Jesus shows up in the New Testament.  In fact, it's sort of all about Him (Us).

In case knowing how Garlic is mocked up here is not enough to raise thy spirits, Dannnnnniellle (God [Me] how I hate that name), taketh a closer look at Garlic's face.  Was he always so glassy-eyed?  Did he always mouth-breathe?  Soon, my child, he will begin to say "Derp.  Derp," without knowing why.  I (God) work in mysterious ways My wonders to perform.  Watch for his plague of boogers.)

That's all for now, beloved daughter.  Never forget that by thy divorce (which is supposed to displease Me--"until death us do part" and all that--but somehow I (God) don't seem to mind it too much) thou hast no ties that belong to Me or Caesar binding you to this human septic tank.

Love and kisses.

*More about My (Our) Celestial Family in a later N-plop

All finished.  Move along.  Santa isn't the only one making a list.

Edited April 26, 2021 by Mothra
Thou wouldst not understand.

[Mothra]

From God to My well-loved Dannnnnnnielle, and no one else.  If thou art not Dannnnnnielle, readest thou not.
 

Spoiler

 

I hope thou art benefiting from My words of wisdom and comfort, My daughter.  I watch eagerly for signs of change in thy demeanor. Of course, all time is one to Me, and I (God) knowest all things past and to come, but as thou canst well imagine once One hath predicted the winner of every Poker Tonight tournament, One longeth for a little surprise in One's life, which of course hath no beginning and no end, so One turneth off the Future Switch (that is not how it is labeled up here, but that is the closest I (God) can put it so that thy poor human mind can comprehendeth of what I (God) speaketh.

As thou knowest, or at least as I (God) hopest thou knowest because I (God) beginneth to despair (the very worst sin--you don't even want to think about what this one will get you) of thy religious education, particularly distressing to Me (God) in a group of My creation that doth like to blather on about My (God's) will without checking in with the Source, I (God) blessed thy race of humans with a dangerous yet spectacular gift, Free Will.

A Holy Aside:  Mrs. God (My Wife) hath reminded Me to bring up Free Will because this Gift loometh so large in Garlic's eventual Eternal Damnation.  Yes, I (God) am married--the Mormons, like all religions, got some part of it right (except for the Scientologists; You (I) (God) don't know whether to smiteth them or giveth them a stiff drink and sendeth them to sleep it off.  Don't get Me (God) started on the Scientologists.  You (you) do know better than to give them access to thy savings account, I (God) hopeth).

The existence of Mrs. God is a Holy Mystery, and it is pointless for mortals to try to understand Her existence.  Thou canst think of Her as an Aspect of the Holy Ghost--that is probably the best way for you to think about Her.  After all, it Is not the Holy Quartet, is It?

On Day Six, I (God) thought long and hard about bestowing this Holy Gift.  Life for all of Us would have been so much simpler had I (God) created humans who would unfailingly do the right thing, who would love each other, who would embrace and celebrate the differences that now divide you (thee), and I (God) could have spent that Seventh Day eternally (which is of course a meaningless concept for Me [God] [Us]) smiling down on My Creation as you went about helping one another 24/7.  Mrs. God (I) (God) peered at Me (Us) (God) and made that Face  She (I) (God) (We) make when I (God) am about to screw up (as if!).  She (I) said to Me (Her) (God), "If knowing who is going to hand Phil Hellmuth his ass on a platter bores You (Me) (Us) (God), imagine  endless days and nights knowing that everyone down there is behaving themselves--what wilt Thou do with Thyself?"

This N-plop doth contain much theology that, hadst thou (you) received proper instruction in the Faith thou likest to tout, wouldst be already knownest to thee.  I (God) will allow thee time to readeth and tryeth to understandeth what I (God) hath writ.  I (God) will be in touch.

And btw, Dannnnnielle, wouldest it killeth thee to occasionally maketh the first move in Our communication?  I (God) didn't giveth thee prayer for Mine Own Health, thou knowest.

 

Thanks for your cooperation.  It hath been noted, and on the "credit" side.

[Mothra]

From:  God

To:  Dannnnnielle

Confidential
 

Spoiler

 

Beloved daughter, now cometh the time when I shall give thee my commands.  Of course, thou hast F.W., so thou canst do what thou willst.  But a word to the wise sufficeth, if thou knowest what I (God) mean (means).

First of all, faithful one, consider the true foe:  she who is known on this plane as Qberta.  Her true name is written on the sixth scroll and will be revealed when that seal is broken.  Thy ex-husband, Garlic, hath a greater responsibility toward thee, it is true.  Thou art the mother of his children and the bookkeeper of his business, and it is wrong of him to cast you aside so thoughtlessly.  But as has been written, his behavior is somewhat understandable (but never excusable) due to his dick drive.  I cannot err, but I do sometimes wondereth what life on earth would have been like had I not installed the optional ImustfuckanythingIcangettoholdstill (tm pending) on Day Five.

The truer Enemy is Qberta, who pretends to worry about hurting thy feelings and then does not follow up her words and sympathetic pats with meaningful action.  I (God) have put it into Qberta's thoughts to speak up on thy behalf when Garlic cutteth thee off or ignoreth thee, yet (tyvm, F.W.) she hath turned her face away and followed the devices and desires of her own rotten heart, which involveth solidifying her position with Garlic at thy expense.

Again, there is explanation but no excuse.  Qberta doth live in a dreadful place, where Mine Own Plague (thou wilt understand why after thou shuffleth off that mortal coil) hath been allowed to get completely out of hand because of a tyrannical mad man (My [God's] opinion only, but then consider the source:  I *am* God), and where the economy has been in ruins for many, many years.  She is a young woman who is apparently willing to put up with servicing Garlic in return for a chance to get the hell out of there.

As my Beloved Grandmother (Me; I am Eternal) used to say, Thou needest not them; they needeth thee.  If thou wert to leave Qberta and Garlic alone in Mexico, they would enjoy themselves but must needs feel a twinge of guilt (don't worry--I (God) will make sure they doth), and Garlic must needs stay awake at night wonderingeth what thou art up to.

What thou must do, beloved, is hie thee to a good divorce attorney back home.  Explaineth to her that thou agreedst to the divorce under duress, that said divorce was a fake intended to defraud the US Government, and what canneth we do about it?

Thou shouldst freeze any joint credit cards thou holdest, and thou shouldst doeth the same with any bank accounts, first moving out enough money to keep thou and thy children comfortably for the short run.  Thou also shouldst take control of all paperwork, including tax returns, from Garlic's landscaping and building business.

Thou art in a position of power, my child, and do noteth forgeteth it.  I continue to watch over thee.  I await signs of thy progress.

Hugs to all.

 

End transmission.  Thank you for your cooperation in these difficult times.

[Mothra]

This message from God via Mothra is for Garlic.  Dannnnnielle, pay attention!  This one is not for you, OK? 
 

Spoiler

 

Beloved Garlic (even I [God] choked over that one), this is a direct commandment from Me, the Almighty.  STOP INVOKING MY NAME.  You're getting mighty close to taking My Name in vain, buster, and I (God) won't tolerate that.  Do you remember what happened to Job, since you're all hot for the Old Testament?  No, of course you don't, because the only part of the Bible you know is that some of the Old Guys had more than one wife.  Idiot.  Well, long story short, I (God) brought down all kinds of truly horrific stuff on Job (you really ought to check it out--some of My best OT work) and he was a *good man* in fact pretty damn near saintly.  Just to remind you of what I (God) am capable of, even when I'm (God is) not pissed off.

You knoweth well thou art being an asshole of the first magnitude, right?  That is all on you, Chuckles.  Do not attach My name to your pursuit of pussy, as if I (God) didst not only approve of it but didst actively encourage it.  Thou dost realize, dost thou not, that invoking My Name to justify thy misbehavior is a far greater misdeed than the misdeed itself?  To be clear, even to thy dick-addled brain, this is not like saying thy friend Cardi B said to let you into the night club.  I (God) while a fan am not Cardi B getting you a pass into a hot club, or (PAY ATTENTION) Heaven.

I (God) have been sending thou jolts of shame, which thou in the pride of thy heart hath been rejecting, saying that thou shouldst not be ashamed because this goeth on in polygamous situations.  Thou realizeth that thou art talking back to Me (God)?  And that the consequences of thy sass will not be to go cut God (Me) a good switch?  Thou art in for a world of hurt, beloved (threw up a little on that one); take heed and save thyself before it beith Too Late.

 

OK.  Thanks for your cooperation.  You may resume reading. 

Yes, you too, Dannnnielle. <sigh>

[Pepper Mostly]

@Mothra you have killed me. I am smited, smote, slain! That's some good shit right there. Are you a professional writer? You should be. The writers' room at SNL could use some help.