Faux Life: Things That Happen On TV But Not In Reality

[Kromm]

Phrases people only say on TV.  Or things people only do on TV.  

 

 

For example:

 

A victim is rescued.  The FBI agent who rescues the person gives the person their official FBI windbreaker.  Do we seriously think that happens?

 

Someone says "word on the street".  Does anyone in real life actually say this?  I bet not.

 

A law enforcement agent tells someone to find something on a computer and says "see if anything pops".

 

 

[Shannon L.]

How about "Follow that cab/car!".  Except for The Amazing Race, do people really do that?  My husband, a huge Douglas Adams fan, told me once of this excerpt from one of his writings:  " the cab driver, having noted that no one has ever jumped into his cab and shouted the much ballyhooed phrase 'Follow that cab!', reaches the obvious conclusion that his must be the cab that all the other cabs are following!"  :)

[Kromm]

I think a big one is the car that explodes... but only right after the occupants get to safety.  In real life a car either goes up pretty instantly, or not at all (more the second, because gasoline burns more than explodes).  

[supposebly]

You turn on the TV and right away, it shows exactly what is relevant to your life right now.

[Shannon L.]

Speaking of explosions:  I don't think anyone can really outrun an explosion--especially one in a contained area like a hallway.

Edited May 16, 2014 by Shannon L.

[Kromm]

Speaking of explosions:  I don't think anyone can really outrun and explosion--especially one in a contained area like a hallway.

Hee,

 

 

Howstuffworks: Can you really outrun an explosion?

[MaryMitch]

A bonk on the head causes amnesia. (The kind where you forget your past.)  Another bonk on the head cures you.

[Kromm]

A bonk on the head causes amnesia. (The kind where you forget your past.)  Another bonk on the head cures you.

To be fair, bonk on the head amnesia, but with no other noticeable effects, started (and persists) in books too (in bad thrillers I know for sure, and I'm told in bad romance books too).  Except that the second bonk on the head is not always there.

 

Oh here's one:  Grumpy but lovable. In real life, Grumpy is almost always just Grumpy (at least if we are talking about a permanent personality characteristic and not just a bad day for someone).  Heck, I withdraw my semi-objection to the bonk on the head, 'cause I bet grumpy but lovable is just as much of a book cliche as well.  Maybe the thread title should be "TV Cliches" rather than "Only on TV", 'cause all of the good ones transcend mediums, even if they don't apply to real life.

Edited May 16, 2014 by Kromm

[merylinkid]

Wedding Interruptus.    If it is a sitcom, wacky hijinks will ensue such as the groom disappearing or the dress getting set on fire by being too close to the heater while the best man and maid of honor have hot steamy sex.   If it is a drama -- well anything can happen.  Grooms dying, mass shootings, doubles that eat frogs.

 

In real life, most weddings go off without a hitch.  The worst that happens in real life is that drunk friend you knew you shouldn't have invited but did gets .. . drunk.

[smittykins]

Wedding Interruptus.    If it is a sitcom, wacky hijinks will ensue such as the groom disappearing or the dress getting set on fire by being too close to the heater while the best man and maid of honor have hot steamy sex.   If it is a drama -- well anything can happen.  Grooms dying, mass shootings, doubles that eat frogs.

 

In real life, most weddings go off without a hitch.  The worst that happens in real life is that drunk friend you knew you shouldn't have invited but did gets .. . drunk.

And don't forget, when the priest/minister/judge asks "Is there any reason why this man and this woman should not be joined," expect someone to raise their hand and proclaim his/her love for the bride or groom.  Bonus points if it's "I love her!  And she's carrying my baby!"[/Foxworthy]

[Kromm]

The Charming Little Quirky Town.

 

Oh, I know there are plenty of charming little quirky towns in real life. Tens of thousands of them.  But there's a WAY that they are portrayed on shows that's totally TV-centric and illusory.  

 

Star's Hollow, Bluebell, going way back--Mayberry, Cabot Cove, Cicely, Alaska, Pawnee, Indiana, that town on Bunheads (the forum request for Bunheads made me think of this), it's like these places were seeded through some common program to lace them with the proper assortment of wacky eccentric townfolk and weird town rituals and celebrations.

[formerlyfreedom]

that town on Bunheads (the forum request for Bunheads made me think of this),

Quirkily named Paradise, California.

[Rick Kitchen]

Which is a dumb name for a fictional town because there is a real town named Paradise, California.  And it ain't on the coast.

[Portia]

Only on TV would the principal of a school be addressed as "Principal X" instead of Mr. or Ms. X. I've noticed this device for a long time--most recently on Parenthood--and it makes me irrationally angry. I understand that the writers are trying to telegraph "This person is the school's principal," but it's just not that difficult to impart that information quickly using natural-sounding language.

[choclatechip45]

Only on TV do teenagers hang out at "teen clubs" and well-known bands play at them.

[Kromm]

Only on TV do teenagers hang out at "teen clubs" and well-known bands play at them.

The well known bands cliche, you are 100% right being laughably TV.  The "teen clubs" one is indictable if we are talking about clean, family friendly places, rather than illegal raves with kids popping ecstasy and hooking up.

[choclatechip45]

Only on TV does a high schooler apply to one college.

[Kromm]

Only on TV does a high schooler apply to one college.

Only on TV (these days) can anyone who's parents aren't like one or two percenters AFFORD college!

[Kromm]

Here's one... only on TV, do people go to "auctions" and find one lone single super-valuable signed item or vintage antique in storage lockers or lost baggage otherwise filled with moldy old paperback books and old clothes, or find collectible cars or gold bullion or other impossible items inside random abandoned shipping containers.  And you know... conveniently know exactly what they are looking at and it's value and/or have an expert on tap who just happens to know who knows "that area" (and who always seems to successfully be able to put a value to the item five seconds after seeing it).

[andromeda331]

Put a rush on it. The DNA results. 

[Shannon L.]

Female spies always wear tight black clothing and knee high boots with spiked heals when on a mission. 

 

The leaders of a SWAT or FBI team are allowed to go into a dangerous situation without their helmets on.

[auntjess]

 

Only on TV does a high schooler apply to one college.                                                                                                     

Isn't it $50 to apply?  How many can you afford?

[scarynikki12]

College counselors in real life encourage applying to at least a few: the longshot (usually the dream school), the safety (one of the state schools), and the in-between (private or out-of state with standards that can be met), based on the student's current criteria.  They do this so that options exist.  Only when a student is dead set on a single school will a counselor back away from such encouragement and, at my school, that usually coincided with the application being for early admission.  Applications do cost money, which is why no student will be encouraged to apply to a bunch, but applying to a few schools is doable.  

 

This isn't to say that real life students always apply to multiple, as plenty do, but that seems to happen far more often on tv than in real life, in my experience anyway.

[mightycrone]

The beautiful "ugly girl"

 

Glasses = smart, but socially awkward and un-athletic

 

Pets disappear with no explanation (at least I hope this doesn't happen in RL!)

 

When someone asks you what's on your mind, you tell them EXACTLY right then and there

 

Having an interest in Sci-Fi makes you your own birth control

[LGGirl]

How about female law enforcement officers running in high heels and miraculously not breaking an ankle and catching the perp.

[Anela]

The female law enforcement officers in high heels, bugs me every time.

 

I also hate the way some shows will have dialogue in which at least one character somehow manages to fill the viewer, and other characters on the show, when it comes to what's happened so far, and got them to that point. They talk fast, and slip in all sorts of things - the vampire diaries does this *a lot*.

[Kromm]

I also hate the way some shows will have dialogue in which at least one character somehow manages to fill the viewer, and other characters on the show, when it comes to what's happened so far, and got them to that point. They talk fast, and slip in all sorts of things - the vampire diaries does this *a lot*.

Exposition, yes.  Which can be well done, or badly done.  And little is worse than when it's badly done.

[Anela]

Exposition, yes.  Which can be well done, or badly done.  And little is worse than when it's badly done.

Thank you - that was the word I was looking for. :)

[aradia22]

 

Someone says "word on the street".  Does anyone in real life actually say this?  I bet not.

I'm sure people say this, if only because they pick it up from TV. But it made me think of something. Given the police procedural's love of puns, has there ever been a literal word on the street? That is, a word written on the sidewalk or something like that? With Law and Order, CSI, Castle, etc. I have to believe someone already went there. And those are just the worst offenders. Plenty of other procedurals will throw in a pun or two as well.

 

A bonk on the head causes amnesia. (The kind where you forget your past.)  Another bonk on the head cures you.

Very selective, plot-convenient amnesia.

[Portia]

Only on TV do all attendees at funerals dress completely in black. Everyone, regardless of age and economic status, seems to be in possession of an all-black, appropriately somber outfit . . . right down to the requisite black overcoat and/or umbrella if necessitated by weather. 

Edited June 11, 2014 by Portia

[OSM Mom]

And the widow will have a black hat with the veil thing hanging down to cover her face. I've never seen one of those IRL.

[Tunia]

And the widow will have a black hat with the veil thing hanging down to cover her face. I've never seen one of those IRL.

 

While your comment is generally true, OSM Mom, it did immediately and sadly bring this to mind:

 

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/jfk-funeral-article-1.1514720

[Kromm]

On on TV do villains humorously and ironically get their comeuppance.  In the real world it's sometimes possible to get your revenge, but it's rarely to never funny or exactly fitting in the nature of the payback.

[Crisopera]

The "female law enforcement officers in high heels" was sort of addressed in The X-Files, if I remember correctly.  In the episode where Garry Shandling and Tea Leoni are playing Hollywood versions of Mulder & Scully, you see Shandling and Duchovny talking in the foreground, while in the background Anderson keeps running back and forth, demonstrating for Leoni how she runs in her heels.  Made me laugh like a loon.

 

Also, when there's a knock at a TV series door, NOBODY EVER EITHER ASKS WHO IT IS OR LOOKS THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE.  Even if they know they're in danger.  It drives me nuts.

[andromeda331]

After finding a person murdered, police find evidence or confessions that other people also tried to kill the victim today, not just the one who succeed.

[Portia]

Prepare to have your mind blown. I've observed that people on TV never seem to watch TV. While we idiots spend our evenings on our asses half-watching, I don't know, Everybody Loves Raymond or whatever, all the cool TV people are unwinding by contemplatively strumming their guitars or listening to music, which is inevitably either classical or jazz.

 

I further posit that only fictional people listen to classical music and jazz. I am not a crackpot. 

[DangerousMinds]

Prepare to have your mind blown. I've observed that people on TV never seem to watch TV. While we idiots spend our evenings on our asses half-watching, I don't know, Everybody Loves Raymond or whatever, all the cool TV people are unwinding by contemplatively strumming their guitars or listening to music, which is inevitably either classical or jazz.

 

I further posit that only fictional people listen to classical music and jazz. I am not a crackpot.

I've known plenty of people in real life who don't watch much TV. I didn't watch much in my 20's or even early 30's - we really did hang out and listen to music instead. Usually not classical or jazz, but definitely more music than TV!

[Portia]

I've known plenty of people in real life who don't watch much TV. I didn't watch much in my 20's or even early 30's - we really did hang out and listen to music instead. Usually not classical or jazz, but definitely more music than TV!

I certainly don't doubt that. I just regularly see fictionalized scenes where I'd expect those particular characters to have a TV going, yet there's none in sight. 

[Athena]

Prepare to have your mind blown. I've observed that people on TV never seem to watch TV. While we idiots spend our evenings on our asses half-watching, I don't know, Everybody Loves Raymond or whatever, all the cool TV people are unwinding by contemplatively strumming their guitars or listening to music, which is inevitably either classical or jazz.

 

I further posit that only fictional people listen to classical music and jazz. I am not a crackpot. 

 

Haha. I do listen to classical music and jazz, but not as much that I watch television shows or read books.

 

It is a good point about live action TV characters watching TV, but I do remember that The Simpsons did this a lot though.

[DittyDotDot]

Oh here's one:  Grumpy but lovable. In real life, Grumpy is almost always just Grumpy (at least if we are talking about a permanent personality characteristic and not just a bad day for someone).  Heck, I withdraw my semi-objection to the bonk on the head, 'cause I bet grumpy but lovable is just as much of a book cliche as well.  Maybe the thread title should be "TV Cliches" rather than "Only on TV", 'cause all of the good ones transcend mediums, even if they don't apply to real life.

 

AND...

 

The Charming Little Quirky Town.

 

Oh, I know there are plenty of charming little quirky towns in real life. Tens of thousands of them.  But there's a WAY that they are portrayed on shows that's totally TV-centric and illusory.  

 

Star's Hollow, Bluebell, going way back--Mayberry, Cabot Cove, Cicely, Alaska, Pawnee, Indiana, that town on Bunheads (the forum request for Bunheads made me think of this), it's like these places were seeded through some common program to lace them with the proper assortment of wacky eccentric townfolk and weird town rituals and celebrations.

 

Hee! I just realized my life is a TV cliché--I've always considered myself grumpy, but loveable and I live in a sort of charming small town with a lot of wacky eccentric townsfolk. Maybe they're not in the proper assortment and I'm not as loveable as I've always thought, though. ;)

 

 

Anyway, here's another one...only on TV would I get to toss a few bills randomly on my table and run out of the restaurant because I just got the most important phone call and must, MUST, get going now. No need to get my server's attention or go in search of the hostess. And no, I don't even need to know how much by bill is, whatever I toss down there will be more than enough to cover it. And I will always have the required amount of cash on me regardless of the fact that I rarely carry any cash at all these days.

Edited June 13, 2014 by DittyDotDot

[yourpointis]

Only on tv can a person or group of people walk ten feet away or into another room with an open doorway (Frasier was bad about this), speak at normal volume, sometimes even yell and not have the excluded party hear what I or the group are saying (unless it was part of the plot). I know this is probably done for the studio audience, but I would assume microphones can pick up loud whispers. Someone please correct me if I am wrong.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

 

Only on tv can a person or group of people walk ten feet away or into another room with an open doorway (Frasier was bad about this),

They do this on soaps All. The Time. People are always having sooper sekrit conversations in public places, sometimes in the middle of crowded restaurants, and somehow they're never overheard.

[Shannon L.]

Speaking of conversations, only on tv does no one ever say "goodbye" or the like before hanging up the phone.

Edited June 14, 2014 by Shannon L.

[Portia]

It's true that people on TV don't overhear conversations that they should be able to hear - but they ARE able to carry on normal conversations while on a speeding motorcycle, convertible, speedboat, crashing jetliner, etc. 

[BoogieBurns]

I posted about this in the Playing House forum since it happened on this week's episode. But Only on TV doctors go out of town while their patient is in labor. Not only are they unreachable, but they usually say the line "I never take vacations, I promise" before skipping town. 

 

The replacement doctors are always "off beat" and make the pregnant woman freak out. The doctor who loved Fonzi on Friends is one example.

[ganesh]

When law enforcement whomever is looking at video footage and someone says "zoom on that" to the techie and it's always clear enough to glean The Clue. I actually cracked up because they did that on Almost Human and the techie was like, 'uh, that's as good as it gets.'

[ElleryAnne]

Ordinary citizens, in the course of pursuing their crime-solving hobbies, can correctly identify every powdery substance by fearlessly tasting it off one finger.  Doesn't matter if the substance is arsenic, heroin, mummified remains, whatever.  

[janie jones]

But Only on TV doctors go out of town while their patient is in labor. Not only are they unreachable, but they usually say the line "I never take vacations, I promise" before skipping town.

I'm genuinely asking:  Is this that unrealistic?  I mean, OB/GYNs surely go on vacation sometime, and they surely have patients' due dates scattered throughout the calendar.  Like, a decent person probably wouldn't schedule a vacation when a patient was due, but certainly they get newly pregnant patients whose due dates are during previously scheduled vacations.  Not to mention people who don't go into labor near their due dates. 

 

I imagine that what's Only On TV is that when they get to the hospital is the first the patient has heard about the vacation.  I would think that that in real life, it would be a situation like, "Okay, the baby's due on June 19, but I'm going to be on vacation the first two weeks of June, so if the baby comes early, Dr. So and So will attend the birth."

[BoogieBurns]

I imagine that what's Only On TV is that when they get to the hospital is the first the patient has heard about the vacation.

 

 That's more what I meant. It is a surprise to them that their doctor will not be delivering the baby. Every time. They have never known in advance.

[Portia]

Only on TV do people go around making baseless promises to vulnerable people. I mean, I'm sure there are people in the world who tell their friend with cancer "I promise you'll beat this" or an anxious child "I promise no one in our family will die" . . . but I don't think they're doing a good thing, and I don't like this behavior being portrayed as somehow noble when there are more honest ways to reassure someone. I especially hate it when a professional person (social worker, counselor, doctor, etc.) is depicted making promises in situations where the outcome cannot possibly be guaranteed; I would think such a statement would be a violation of professional and ethical standards.  

 

Because we're snarky bastards who watch way too much TV, my husband likes to hug me tenderly and whisper, "Nothing bad will ever happen to you. I PROMISE."