S04.E05: Week 3, Night 1

[OnceSane]

Quote

A virgin arrives with a date card; a couple shop for sexy swimsuits and get wild in the water; a sweet duo experience their first fight in Paradise; a guy is torn between the "right option" and a "more exciting option"; a popular bachelor leaves Paradise.

 

[Armchair Critic]

Putting a rotting crab in somebody's mouth who you blindfolded? Nope, not cute or funny.

Jasmine seems a little scary....

Is Matt better looking in person because I am not seeing it.

[Ohwell]

I really hope that Jack Stone doesn't break down and give Alexis a rose because no way was that even remotely funny. That was nasty and unsafe.

[Armchair Critic]

Jasmine said she didn't want Matt to go on the date and he just ignores it and says "so you are okay with me going on this date?". Men, gotta love 'em. 

[saber5055]

Welcome to week 3 of Grade Schoolers in Paradise.

[Mabinogia]

Jasmine is disgusting. Matt is an asshole. Oye, these people suck. Jack Stone is actually pretty attractive. I have no idea who he is, but I like what I'm seeing. I agree with him that the crab was way too far. I am living for Wells right now. 

[saber5055]

Except the before-commercial previews make Wells, who is there ONLY AS BARTENDER! not a player, look like a dick too. In fact, everyone on this show is being portrayed as jerks, babies, people who will never get a date IRL. No kidding, oye.

[Armchair Critic]

OY Jasmine, calm down. 

[Llama]

18 minutes ago, Armchair Critic said:

Jasmine said she didn't want Matt to go on the date and he just ignores it and says "so you are okay with me going on this date?". Men, gotta love 'em. 

She completely missed that Matt told Kristin he would go on a date with her. He seems to want to get away from Jasmine at everg turn. He asked her permission - man up dude!!

[Ohwell]

Jasmine acting all batshit crazy.  *sigh*  I know this stuff is producer-driven but at some point I would draw the line if I were on this show.

Lacey looked prettier with her hair loose and parted in the middle.  Now if only she'd smile more.....

[Armchair Critic]

Wells can be funny but I am not into gossipy men.

[Ohwell]

Honestly, none of these men are all that.  If I were on this show, I'd relax, stuff my face and keep Wells busy fixing me drinks.

[Ohwell]

OMG now we've got uptalking Taylor.  I can't stand her.

[Armchair Critic]

Just now, Ohwell said:

OMG now we've got uptalking Taylor.  I can't stand her.

They need to give us somebody to root for, this cast is too annoying.

[rebeccalj]

If there is a God, then Lacey will go home.

[Armchair Critic]

Oh dear, guilting Diggy is not going to work.

[saber5055]

No kidding, Armchair. I don't like a single person on this show, and now Wells has joined the Don't Like club with his gossipy gossip making fun of people. At least when Taylor was making out with Derek we didn't have to hear her talk. Now THAT small blessing is over. GAH. Worst.Season.Evah.

[Ohwell]

Oh, and Adam is a meathead.

[saber5055]

Rebeccalj said: "If there is a God, then Lacey will go home." I say: If there is a god, EVERYONE will go home and this show will be over.

[rebeccalj]

Just now, saber5055 said:

Rebeccalj said: "If there is a God, then Lacey will go home." I say: If there is a god, EVERYONE will go home and this show will be over.

Touche!

[Llama]

I am so confused on how Kristina is ok with that conversation with Dean. No wonder most of them are single. Oy vey!

[saber5055]

WTH Amanda. Robbie wants to be with you and no one else does after HOW many times on TB and BIP? And you're "not sure"? Geezy pete, fish or cut bait. (Translation: Take Robbie's rose or get the heck off this show you loser.)

And what's with Amanda's (obviously fake) hair down to her ass? Oye! OH: Breaking news: Corinne on GMA tomorrow morning. I'm not watching.

[Armchair Critic]

edited to say that Matt would rather leave than tell a woman no.

Edited August 29, 2017 by Armchair Critic

[Llama]

I'd like to not hear Jasmine speak anymore either. These voices!! 

1 minute ago, Armchair Critic said:

Get a backbone Matt, you will end up engaged to Jasmine next because you are afraid to tell her no.

He found it!! Yes! 

[Ohwell]

So Matt got the hell outta dodge.  Good move.

[Armchair Critic]

Jack Stone run away from Jasmine. Maybe my standards are lowered by watching this season but he seems like one of the best guys there.

Lacey + Daniel?!? Maybe at least we will get a few laughs with him there.

[Ms Blue Jay]

The editors of The Bachelorette must be EVIL GENIUSES.  Why?  Because before this show I actually used to think that Wells and Dean were gorgeous, cute, sweet catches. God. I was such a fool.

Maybe Jojo and ......god, I don't want to admit this......Rachel made smart moves after all.....

Edited August 29, 2017 by Ms Blue Jay

[saber5055]

Okay, Wells, the only attraction in this show, has turned into a douche. Puppets. Really? Nothing against puppets, but it is NOT a good look on you, Wells. I'm so over you now, thanks a lot show.

[Llama]

When you need puppets, this isn't funny. 

Matt peacing out and Jasmine still being upset - girl you weren't together! Kristin needs a backbone too.

I am enjoying the single life more and more LOL!! 

Daniel is only good for some entertainment (I don't find him that funny) but he is not attractive to me (well not in the face lol!!) 

[saber5055]

A big YESSSSS to your post, Ms. Blue Jay.

[JenE4]

Wait a minute, Alexis is complaining about Christin's "scallop fingers" when meanwhile she was attempting to put a crab that died of natural causes (i.e., not steamed) in Jack Stone's mouth. I am on Team Scallop. Scallops are delicious, and if one didn't have a fork, I could see eating it with your fingers; what else are you going to do stuck in a car on the way to da club? (More importantly, they let the contestants go out to clubs?!?! Where they can socialize and meet other men?!?!) But back to the scallops...cooked scallops aren't slimy (unless there was some sort of sauce); it wasn't scallop ceviche.

Matt is like please, anyone, save me from Jasmine! But this is really crappy that HE told Christin he wanted to go out with her. Christin even tells Jasmine this, but she completely ignores this and still focuses in on badmouthing Christin. Ok, women, PLEASE stop blaming "the other woman"; stop and check YOUR MAN. Christin doesn't owe Jasmine the fidelity, MATT does (if they were committed).

Now Christin is shrimp fingers. The girl likes her shellfish. But these petty bitches. They're so mean. Now I have to root for Christin. Not that I even remember anything about her but because the Mean Kids are assholes to her. Every season this happens--the "original" crew think they're the Popular clique and Mean Girl everyone. This is when we need Nick from Bachelor Pad to swoop in and vote Keep and put these jerks in their places!

If glow sticks in a hot tub isn't the "right moment," Amanda, I don't know what is. Er, um, maybe glow sticks in a hot tub isn't, either. Don't they have heat warnings? Probably not a good idea to submerge plastic capsules filled with chemicals in hot, chlorinated water. 

Taylor is dropping F bombs left and right in her reaction to explaining how she feels about Derek saying FU. She also says she shuts down when she hears that--but her complaint that she got the FU over was that she wasn't sure he has what she wants in a relationship because HE shuts down. Ugh, the hypocrisy. I don't even care--both of you can just go home.

Adam "is in a pickle." (Pick Sarah!) Diggy is "dropping bombs." (Bye, Lacey, don't let the door hit ya on the way out!) Dean wants to date BOTH women and will probably get one of his unattached buddies to keep D-Lo for him.

Robby steals one-size-fits-most-adults hotel slippers for Amanda's 3- and 5-year-old kids? Huh? Well, I guess the slippers were the aphrodisiac Robby was searching for.

Derek is better at this "functional talk" than Taylor is.

Matt and Christin are both terrified of Jasmine. To Jasmine: "There's something about you that keeps me from falling for anyone here--including you." Wow. Matt would rather go home than stay with Jasmine or deal with the repercussions (from the clique, I'm sure) of sending her home. I guess Harrison knew this was coming and this was the big twist he teased the group about. Jasmine: "I don't know if I want to be with someone like that." Uh, Jazz, you don't have a choice in the matter. Jasmine is already hanging all over Jack Stone! Uh, guess that was a 2-minute heartbreak. Whoa, the virgin doubles down on Jack Stone. ... Matt? Huh? Who dis?

Daniel!! Huzzah!!

[DEL901]

OMG!

Kristina is pathetic.  Why is she waiting for Dean to make up his mind.  Have a little backbone and tell him to get lost, even if it means you don't get a rose.

Jasmine... how to run a guy off without even trying

Lacey... before you tell a guy off for not asking your permission when you've only ever had one date... and not waiting to hear what he has to say which is that he likes her better.  Gotta to give Diggy props for telling Lacey up front.

 

ETA:  And what the hell, Wells!?!?!  I think those puppets just disqualified him from being the bachelor. 

Edited August 29, 2017 by DEL901

[PhysNerd]

Jasmine: what a crazy woman!  She will forever keep driving men away with her possessive, gonna-cut-a-b***h attitude.  I know people make fun of Jack Stone for being a "serial killer," but honestly I'm more concerned about Jasmine.  Jack is awkward at times, but Jasmine is 5 cans short of a 6-pack.

Christen: she annoys me.  She asks Matt out (which she has the right to do), but doesn't want to hurt Jasmine's feelings or to deal with drama.  It seems pretty clear that asking out Matt would hurt Jasmine.  She is either two-faced or incredibly dim or possibly both.

Wells: physically, he is very attractive, but he seems like a bit of a jerk.  I don't like Christen, but he spent a lot of time acting like a typical "mean girl" along with Amanda and Alexis. Mocking her over scallops got old pretty quickly.

Amanda: yes, Robby is probably gay, but if she wants to stay on this show, then she better accept his roses.  I don't see any other men chasing after her. 

Taylor: good for her for standing up for herself!  Derek was pretty disrespectful.  Did anyone catch what Taylor said right before Derek said "F**k you" in response? Hopefully, Derek's language was a one-time thing, but in my experience, it usually is not.  Taylor will find out either way.

Kristina: I can't believe someone as strong as Kristina would fall for Dean's bulls*t.  He is playing two girls.  He's not really into either one.  If he felt strongly about either girl, then he would've made his mind up already.  Dean is clearly playing the field and isn't being honest with either girl.  

Danielle: The amazing conversations must be happening off screen because she is as dim as a lightbulb on camera.  She is absolutely stunning (at least with all of the makeup), but she speaks like a middle schooler.  I honestly think Danielle is a better match for Dean than Kristina.  They are both immature and love to giggle while speaking.

[clubsauce]

Hey Bachelor in Paradise! Seventh grade called. It said to tell you that it's embarrassed by how mean, completely immature, and not funny you are.

[chocolatine]

Dean to Danielle: "you're a lot more interesting than I thought you would be"

Danielle: *giggle giggle* "aw thanks!"

Me at the TV: "THAT'S NOT A COMPLIMENT, DUMMY!!!"

 

The most pathetic group of people in Bachelor history.

[Suzysite]

I was so looking forward to this show, but it is kind of the opposite of fun this year. Maybe they should have just remained shut down after poolgate. The season was tainted and now we can't have nice things.

[b2H]

35 minutes ago, clubsauce said:

Hey Bachelor in Paradise! Seventh grade called. It said to tell you that it's embarrassed by how mean, completely immature, and not funny you are.

I am retiring in five years.  I am more worried about these knuckleheads having to take care of me than I am of losing Social Security and Medicare.  What a bunch of three year olds.  

Jasmine?   You're single because you are a straight up other word for a female dog.

Wells?   You should be ashamed of yourself.  Your antics were more of a reflection on you than on your victim.

Chris Harrison?  Can we now please have a Very Special Episode with these totally unlikeable people on bullying?  Seriously.

and another ]|#%^* hour wasted on the topic of the LAST Very Special Episode topic??  Seriously?????!  I may need to find something else to do tomorrow night.

[TiredMe]

Agree with all of you not feeling this season. The cast ...oy. Are they freaking ten year olds? Scallop fingers really? I liked shark girl before but this episode showed what a total ahole she is. Jesus they all are. Someone there has to have some redeeming qualities!!!

 

And jasmine was acting totally psychotic. The desperation. Hanging all over Matt. He wasted no time bouncing the f outta there. . 

Edited August 29, 2017 by TiredMe

[UGAmp]

First of all, the BiP editors/producers are the absolute worst this season. It's been five episodes with ONE rose ceremony. Ugh.  It's just dragging on and on and on. 

It's pathetic to say but I honestly wonder what Jasmine thinks watching this back. Was she just drunk the entire time? Is she actually psychotic? I realize the editing makes us see it one way but it really seemed like Matt wanted nothing to do with her and she just completely ignored it (even before the other gal showed up) and forged ahead to the point that he removed himself from the show!! It's just really cringeworthy to see these girls just HURLING themselves at these guys for a couple extra minutes on tv. I hope it's worth it for a couple thousand more instagram followers so you can continue to shill FabFitFun and hair gummies.

And I felt bad for Christin and how they were all mocking her even right in front of her. Even Wells (sweet Wells)! But girlfriend moved on quickly from Matt with Jack Stone who quickly forgot she did not choose him in the first place. 

I'm disappointed in Kristina. Dean is playing you. Dump him. Let Dean be with D-Lo who cannot say two words without giggling. You're too good for that chump. Can't she give Ben Z a chance?

[Meowwww]

So much snark.  

Scallop fingers really?  Are we 12?  

Jasmine is a bunny boiler.  Sleep with one eye open, victims of her anger. 

Dean is a schmuck.  I liked him before Paradise.  His waffling on this show makes me hate him. Poor Kristina. 

And Wells.  You used to be cute.  Till you joined the mean girls club.  

Oh and Robby with his over-manscape and Amanda who is past her prime?   Gross. 

Edited August 29, 2017 by Meowwww

[clubsauce]

Robby to production: I want to turn it up a notch with Amanda. Can you help me put together something really special?

Production to Robby: would seven glow sticks do the trick?

[saber5055]

The only good thing about this sham of a cr*p season is you guys here. I'm not sure I can keep watching until the end. This dreck episode is making Frasier reruns that I've seen a dozen times look more appealing. I dislike every single person in Paradise. But then, I've been out of grade school for a long, long time.

[jumper sage]

THAT'S IT!  I'M OUT!

I refuse to be held hostage for four fricking hours each week.  What a bunch of losers.

I'M DONE!

[Alapaki]

The asshole factor is really high this season.  It's not even fun.  

I find myself spending most of the 2 hours (ugh!) yelling at the TV things like:

"So, Taylor, if I say 'fuck you' it will make you go away?  Then FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU!!!!!"  

[Zahdii]

Halfway through.  I just can't deal with the immaturity, the meanness, and the "like" every other word, the nasal 'little girl' voices, and the uptalking.  I think I have a murder mystery on Netflix to watch instead.

Edited August 29, 2017 by Zahdii
Needed to add more things I hate about these idiots.

[Madding crowd]

Must be an alternate universe where Matt and Raven are considered the 'hot ones'.  Other random thoughts:

Wells has always made fun of people

Matt could have just given a friend rose instead of forcing someone else to go home too

Why is handsome Ben Z ignored?

Anyone who dated Taylor will be constantly analyzed 

Scallop Fingers? Really?

[twoods]

I tried giving it another chance but lasted 10 minutes. Between all the terrible voices (Taylor and Amanda), and boring ass conversations with douche bag guys who are leading two girls on, I'm out. I almost wish I stayed for Jasmine's meltdown to see that trainwreck. The four hours weekly is killing this show, along with everyone being either annoying, douchebags, or bullies. 

Reruns of Psych. MUCH better. 

Edited August 29, 2017 by twoods

[Rainsong]

Amanda is chosen again for an opening narration in baby talk.

Alexis, unable to get any part of her sweaty anatomy within a mile of a male Bipper’s mouth, elects to play a guess-the-food game and immediately converts a rare chance to flirt into an exercise in hazing that Jack Stone greatly resents with no small amount of justification.  She calls him a ‘good sport,’ which he is.  Unfortunately, she’s a very bad sport.

Some of the ladies have magically acquired manicures despite not leaving the compound.

Christen arrives looking quite fetching and, as usual for the newbies, receives intense resentment for her troubles.  We get another Date Card Dissection where the date card holder is allowed to suss out the reactions and outcomes before being put on the spot.

Matt attempts to speak in BIP code, implying he’s unattached without actually saying he’s unattached so he can deny it if and when confronted.

Christen has apparently been instructed to stand at a railing and look up, down, left and right in Brady Bunch fashion.  Her embarrassment at this cheesy staging is obvious.

Matt & Christen have a good date which further inflames Jasmine’s temper and brings out her hammy gestures and some flat-out awful lines she obviously considers clever.  ‘Thug life bitches…’ ooooh aren’t we a hard case?

Dear ABC/Fleiss/Harrison:  if you’re going to wag your finger, post rules and tell the Bippers that physical and verbal intimidation will not be permitted then why are you making a full half hour of it the centerpiece of tonight’s episode?  If another Bipper threatened Jasmine with the same words and actions would you treat it in the same way?  Would it even make air?

Jasmine isn’t bothered, she claims over and over again to any poor soul trapped within earshot of her (ie the entire Mexican coastline).  She doesn’t give a stuff about Matt & Christen’s date…and then says she can’t wait until they return.  Do make up your mind, Jazzy.

The less said about Wells and his puppet and his odd voices the better.  Those pushing Wells as a dark horse for the next Bachelor probably deserve to get him along with a phalanx of geeky gawky girls.

Game night is quickly abandoned by Robby & Amanda, who fear the group might discover they are both illiterate.  Instead, Robby cracks glow sticks – each stick representing a brain cell in Amanda’s head in a 1:1 ratio – and tosses them in the pool.  As you do.

Robby explains the chemistry behind phosphorescent liquids to Amanda.  Only joking.  Robby can’t spell ‘phosphorescent.’  Or ‘liquids.’  Between ourselves, Amanda is still struggling with ‘pool.’ But she’s a determined old gal and will get there eventually.

Sarah reads the riot act to Adam, who proceeds to give her the wrong answer anyway.

The tiresome Taylor & Derek chapter of the show ensues in which Taylor actually uses the term triggered/triggering.  It all sounds like a badly-written, badly-acted, badly-conceived college project film.  Taylor is apparently holding her books on emotional intelligence upside down when she reads them as she gets it all wrong.  Again.  Taylor is a whiny, entitled brat who rationalizes her self-centered idiocy by claiming she’s been grievously wronged.  Derek does himself no favors with his ultra-apologetic Sensitive New Age Guy (SNAG) routine but he does manage to point out that despite Taylor’s long list of Kafkaesque emotional indictments he is actually guilty of just one of them.  Taylor acknowledges this inconvenient fact for a split second and then carries on with her crying jag.

Taylor’s on-camera interview commentary is even worse as she spews a random word salad drawn from her textbooks.  Our learned psychology professional (ahem) then informs us, in her most clinical, detached way that her emotional reserves are like, literally in the negatives.  The DSM has been edited, revised and bowdlerized into a nearly unrecognizable, unusable state these days but it’s a safe bet that ‘negative emotional reserves’ still do not appear in its pages.  This is a staggeringly narcissistic, annoying individual.

Sarah is late to the ‘gimme a rose’ party but attempts to make up for lost time.

Diggy girds his loins and informs Lacey that his rose will be going elsewhere.  Lacey’s look of bitter disgust and anger is almost – ALMOST – worth sitting through this dreck but only the most naïve individual would expect a different outcome.

Dim Dean is now Devious Doublecrossing (But Still Dim) Dean as he attempts to juggle Kristina, who is actually interested in him, and Danielle L, who is not but isn’t accustomed to competition or rejection.

Taylor doesn’t have an accent as such but then accents require use of the mouth, tongue, teeth and lips to form vowels, consonants and words in a distinctive pattern.  Since Taylor talks exclusively through her nose, she is a linguistic anomaly.

Derek has already donned the hairshirt and said 1,000 Hail Taylors but she’s back to have another go at him for his flagrant emotional transgression that everyone else in the universe is unable to identify.  He meekly complies.  Taylor is 100% right about everything 100% of the time especially - to use her  eloquent, erudite phrase - ‘stuff in relationships.’  It’s difficult to choose Taylor’s worst trait but her smug tendency to be impressed with her own inch-deep pseudointellectual twaddle might be near the top of the list. 

‘Are you doing that nice guy thing?  Cos I hate that.’  Does she mean taking the coward’s way out?  If so, then yes Matt is doing the ‘nice guy thing’ as he repays Jasmine’s possessive excesses by leaving the compound.  Christen is in bits again but she and Jack Stone have a cursory chat, exchange rather mild compliments and lock lips.

The stink of futility is hanging over this year’s Paradise and it’s much more overpowering than the funk coming from deceased crustaceans.  These plonkers aren’t finding love.  Instead, they are finding their departure gates at the airport in alarmingly rapid fashion.  The drink rationing is an unmitigated failure, not least because it punishes the innocent.

Still, Fleiss/Harrison et al won’t rest until they get some more couples so Daniel is brought in but only after some lame camera work and editing in which his face is obscured by scenery until the last second.

 

To Be Continued.  It used to be a teaser.  Now it’s a threat.

Edited August 29, 2017 by Rainsong

[Jax7917]

How is Derek interested in Taylor ? The girl has one of the most annoying voices I've ever heard and she is absolutely in the wrong profession , as she never says anything soothing or warm to any of the upset people . 

 

I understand the show likes to fixate on certain things like Clare and the talking to the crab ? etc , but the scallop thing wasn't funny whatsoever . They really tried way too hard to make something dumb turn into something funny . That was a fail 

[Llama]

3 minutes ago, twoods said:

I tried giving it another chance but lasted 10 minutes. Between all the terrible voices (Taylor and Amanda), and boring ass conversations with douche bag guys who are leading two girls on, I'm out. I almost wish I stayed for Jasmine's meltdown to see that trainwreck. The four hours weekly is killing this show, along with everyone being either annoying, douchebags, or bullies. 

Reruns of Psych. MUCH better. 

Be glad you saved yourself from Jasmine's meltdown. Annoying and delusional. 

I think she created a relationship with Matt in her head because he didn't seem all that into her when they returned. Paradise isn't Matt's jam it seems.