S19.E05: Week 5

[Tara Ariano]

Chris takes the 11 remaining women to Sante Fe, N.M. While there, one bachelorette meets a "love guru" and nine ladies go rafting on the Rio Grande River. At a party, a woman from Chris' past makes an unwelcome visit; and Chris takes a leading contender on a hot air balloon ride.

Edited January 30, 2015 by OnceSane
locked thread until the show airs

[Kendra143]

I DID hear one of the women say she's never been out of the country! Oh good grief- seriously??? Will have to wind back to see who it was.

[AuntieDiane6]

I guess ABC has to fill out the show with weird and wacky characters to make up for the fact that Chris can't handle a regular conversation and like, TALK to a woman.  

[Stella MD]

What in the hell am I watching here, exactly??

 

 

What a weird, sensual thing to do on like, your third date with someone.

I totally agree, but honestly having some random weirdo stand there with a creepy stoned smile and coach every step of the physical action like the couple is taking some pornographic yoga class would be weird under any conceivable circumstance. Like, even after having been married for fifty years.

Edited February 3, 2015 by Stella MD

[Kendra143]

Like how old is Carly? She , like, says like, like all the time...and she doesn't open her mouth when she talks. Very distracting...

[Armchair Critic]

I give Carly credit for opening up, but I am cringing because most likely this is not going to end well for her...

[leighdear]

Despite the "likes", Carly is really sweet and seems fairly intelligent.  She & Chris were really sweet, deciding they were both uncomfortable with going pants-off. 

[AuntieDiane6]

Carly's sob story … OMG … the last boyfriend didn't touch for a year and a half?  HEL-LOH!!  He's GAY!  Even Chris is laughing inside … 

[FlyingEgret]

Jordan??? Don't remember her at all and it's only been 3 weeks

[leighdear]

I don't think Chris actually remembered her name when he saw her.  She doesn't know what brought her there?  How about a car, pushy producers and a pathological need for attention, sweetie!

[Armchair Critic]

Every time they let one back in they end up eliminating them in the rose ceremony anway.

Edited February 3, 2015 by Armchair Critic

[Stella MD]

I'm getting irritated that every crazy famewhore who wants more screen time is being indulged. This won't end well, show.

[Armchair Critic]

Kelsey is a guidance counselor? I wonder how the school will view her after seeing her on this show?

[Kendra143]

When did Kelsey develop a relationship with Chris??? Lol

[SandyToes]

 

Get off the Bachelor and enjoy life! Explore... you know, monogamy!

Or, the zoo, or a book, or a job.....

 

So glad they finally got to leave the country!  Yea!  Gad. I think the editors are having fun this season.

[Armchair Critic]

So Michelle Money was not kidding that Britt doesn't shower? WTF?

[FlyingEgret]

Britt sleeps with sparkly eye shadow and lipstick on? And no smudges on the pillow case? Might be too high maintenance for farm life..

[Armchair Critic]

Carly said Britt doesn't shower, I need to get to the bottom of this mystery.

 

Chris really thinks Britt naturally has bright red lips, dark rimmed eyes and blush? I need to find a man like that. LOL

[leighdear]

Annnnnnnnd here comes the bitchy side of Carly. 

[Armchair Critic]

Is Kelsey crazy or is it tongue in cheek?

[TiaLou]

Oh my my my my ... Kelsey. Full on whack job. Wowsers. This is like movie-character psycho. Who knew Ashley Onion wasn't actually the craziest?

#GoneGirl

Edited February 3, 2015 by TiaLou

[leighdear]

Wow, now I'm wondering what the family of HER dead husband is going to think of her performance.  At least she doesn't have a kid that's going to watch mommy look like a delusional psycho on TV.

 

I don't think she was joking in any way.

[Stella MD]

I dunno - I think tongue-in-cheek regarding a dead husband is crazy. Plus that last talking head was flat-out batshit.

 

Guidance counselor, eh? Methinks she won't be tasked with being responsible for the psychological well-being of any impressionable teens anytime soon.

[Armchair Critic]

Why is Chris acting so constipated?

[FlyingEgret]

Anyone else think Kelsey was never married and invented a dead husband for "her story"?

[backformore]

It was Megan who thought New Mexico was another country.

Carly would be a lot cuter if she had those eyebrows professionally shaped. They're like apostrophes.

Maybe she needed a waxing guru, not a love guru.

The issue of Jordan shouldn't have to do with anything other than whether or not Chris saw her as a potential wife. Ashley I was being juvenile about it, like Jordan was cutting in front of her in line. Ashley is clearly someone used to being the prettiest in the group, and does not like when she's not number one.

Watching on delay, so I'm way behind you guys.

Edited February 3, 2015 by backformore

[leighdear]

Not a fake husband, you can see his obituary online.  No, I'm not a ghoul....*LOL*  The link to it was posted on another gossip site. 

[Armchair Critic]

5 minutes left and we still have to see Kelsey crying on the floor...

So now it's down to who has the best sob story? This show has jumped the shark....AGAIN

[leighdear]

BRAVO!  And the Academy Award for best performance goes to Kelsey!!!  Her legs were tucked so neatly to the side during that attack.  How classy!

[JenE4]

Was that Megan who thought that New Mexico was a beach locale out of the country?! OMG. New lows of stupidity.

Thank goodness when they panned down the love guru was wearing a tube top! I really thought she just had that scarf tossed over her shoulder and nothing else. What an awkward first date, but I suppose this was because of Chelsey's sob story of not being touched and her great need of being in a reciprocal relationship...while being one of 30 women in a relationship with Chris. (Jotting on my imaginary application: I have a phobia of spa dates and being given large sums of cash.) Yet, they did have the best, deep conversation we've seen yet.

Return of the black booty-blocking box! Is normal temperature hypothermia a real thing? My hands and feet are always like ice cubes; maybe I have that. That's one way to whittle down the competition: a contestant or two overboard.

Drunk Jordan? Is she the one who wore the shorts on night one and drank a LOT of whiskey and almost fell off the stand during the RC? If that's her, she looks/acts very different sober. Kardashley is saying Jordan needs to grow up and be marriage material like her? And now Whitney isn't "real" like she is?! I think Kardashley must live in some alternate reality in which she has no self-perception whatsoever. This is more mind-blowing than the foreign land of New Mexico!

What's with Britt being surprised awakened with full, sparkly makeup? Oh, she puts it on before bed. And what happened to her legitimate, deathly fear of heights?! Oh. Thanks again, Carly. Britt is super manipulative: I want no kids/I want 100 kids! Yeah, fake, fake, fake. I bet she even secretly showers and just pretends that her hair looks that good without being washed for several weeks.

Kelsey: "Isn't my story amazing!? Tragic and amazing! I had to tel him my story so we can have our first kiss!...You can watch her pick up the pieces. Mondays at 8, you can watch the love story unveil." What the fuck? Her young, healthy husband died after walking ONE BLOCK and she can hardly remember the term congestive heart failure?! She killed him, right? Possibly. Allegedly. I think thus might be a 20/20 crossover special. I'm waiting for the voiceover: "She wanted a rose, but would Chris get stuck with a thorn?" Kelsey saying she's not going home. Prediction: she will and then will collapse on the floor in a panic attack and that's why they call the paramedic. OMG. Ashley and Michaela all upset that Kelsey has a more tragic story than they do. Why do they think the most tragic life story gets a husband?! Oh! She didn't even get sent home (yet) and is having a panic attack! Is this how Sanderson died?!

[backformore]

Carly, shown in bed with full eye makeup, talks about how Britt sleeps in her makeup.

Britt, on getting the date card, cries that she's terrified of heights. Then the hot-air balloon ride made her laugh. Sorry, honey, you are not afraid of heights. I would have had sweaty palms, racing heart, full panic.

[TiredMe]

Well that was just weird. Honestly I was mortified for Carly and Chris during their date. I couldn't even look at my screen I was so embarrassed for that. Just no.

Yea Kelsey has been getting a tiny bad girl edit but now, it's just psychotic. Isn't my story amazing and tragic? (Said about dead husband while grinning excitedly) remind me whether they do psyche tests on the contestants?

I seriously couldn't look at Britt after the shower comments and see her kissing Chris without gagging a bit. Gross

[Superpole2000]

I like Becca because she is not fucked up, she doesn't drone on about her "story," and she avoids confrontation. I hope she doesn't win, so that she re-enters the real world and is available for normal-seekers such as myself.

 

Carly is the definition of adorkable, and I have come around on her. I love how she just came out and declared the stripping awkward, which rescued a pretty awful situation.

 

Ashley remains as annoying as ever. Britt made me cringe and scream "Shower!!" every time she touched Chris. Whitney has become too serious and mean-faced for me. Megan is losing IQ points by the day. Kelsey was too nonchalant about her "story," but I don't think she was too far away from having a healthy outlook. I do think it was incredibly calculated to break out the story at this point, though.

[TiaLou]

Serious question: How is Farmer Chris's brain so full of hammers that he can't figure out that he needed to ixnay the Jordan return immediately? If they're all so into the precious "time together," why would he waste it with a debate over Jordan? This is a dumb show but that was egregiously stupid. AND, and! What's up with the unscheduled time so that Psycho Kelsey could go work her bizarre magic on him? You'd think with such little time, they'd be scheduled to the teeth, but looks like there's lots more hanging out than I expected.

Lint brains: Megan, Mackenzie, Kardashley

Not so awful: Whitney, Becca, Kaitlyn (who is pretty damn funny; she's too smart for Farmer Chris)

Could be OK If she wasn't so miserable: Carly

Fake but it doesn't bother me: Britt

Spoiled so I'll keep my mouth shut: Jade

Psychotic: Kelsey

Who's left? Samantha? No opinion on her whatsoever. Has she even said anything?

Edited February 3, 2015 by TiaLou

[FamilyVan]

Wait, is the dramatic turn for this show that they just totally skipped the screening for mental stability this season?  Is that the bombshell that Chris Harrison will reveal on ATFR?

[Ketzel]

Is Chris really so clueless as to think that is how Britt looks naturally?  Most women learn from a very early age that it's a big no-no to go to bed with one's makeup on.

I could maybe buy into "clueless" if Britt had been wearing a more "natural'" look. But sparkly silver eye shadow? How could anyone miss that?

[FlyingEgret]

Nope.

http://rivergrandrapids.com/hudsonville-high-school-graduate-kelsey-poe-on-abcs-the-bachelor/

She was 28 and he, 43 when he passed.

Thanks for that. Guess we all deal with grief in our own wacky way

[Nedsdag]

Hoo boy! Where to start:

 

• I cannot watch or take Female Keanu (widow Kelsey) and Ashley I. any longer. They are both physically and emotionally unattractive. Their personalities are grating, and they are not appealing nor sympathetic. Female Keanu sells her dead husband for five minutes of face sucking? That poor corpse is dizzy from spinning in his grave. Also, I thought Ashley I. dressed like a contestant on So You Think You Can Dance with that groin high (virgin LOL) white tutu she was wearing. It's too bad she couldn't dance herself off the show.
• That 50 Shades of Grey sequence with the "love guru" was as sexy as watching fungus grow. It's a good thing Carly and Chris showed some restraint.
• There are too many bunny boilers on this season. Eliminated ladies (I'm looking at you, Jordan), there was a reason why  you were sent home. With apologies, he. just. wasn't. into. you. Didn't Fleiss hire a clinical psychiatrist for the ladies going home? It may be "good television," but it's getting out of hand.
• You can tell Britt is an actress. The makeup at bedtime, the rehearsed lines. I'm beginning to believe what many are saying about her: She doesn't want Chris. She wants a guy to propose to her when she becomes the next Bachelorette.
• "New Mexico girl?" Please get off my screen, NOW!!!!!!!!!

Edited February 3, 2015 by Nedsdag

[ElectricCityy]

Kelsey's brand of crazy is far more alarming that Ashley S. Yikes.

[KR Vermont]

tonight's fool's edit goes to...Megan

delusional beyotch edit goes to...it's a tie! Ashley I and Kelsey

 

I was looking forward to seeing which crazies were going to be given the boot at the rose ceremony, there are several I want gone. What a gyp!

Good to see Sam got in a sentence at the end, geesh. I wasn't even 100% sure of who it was sitting there mute all week, so I'm guessing she's on her way out unless the editors are pulling a fast one.

[backformore]

Wait, is the dramatic turn for this show that they just totally skipped the screening for mental stability this season?  Is that the bombshell that Chris Harrison will reveal on ATFR?

OR - they did the screening, but for the opposite reason than you are implying.  Maybe they didn't want to weed OUT the psychos, they wanted to make sure to include a few.  

[FamilyVan]

Has to be!

 

Wow, now I'm wondering what the family of HER dead husband is going to think of her performance.  At least she doesn't have a kid that's going to watch mommy look like a delusional psycho on TV.

 

 

This is exactly my thought too I keep thinking wow I hope the mom of her former husband is not watching this.  Isn't my story great?  Uhhhh wow.

[maryshelley]

It looks like the whole "my story" line is an ongoing thing for Kelsey. She has a website at www.anomalyme.com that says "Kelsey Poe, Her Story" and says that it will go live in March 2015. And her FB page description says "Kelsey's personal story is as dynamic as her personality." Maybe she is planning to write a book or be a Dr. Phil type?

[FamilyVan]

says that it will go live in March 2015

 

 

So, right around the time this season of Bachelor ends I see.

Edited February 3, 2015 by FamilyVan

[backformore]

Yeah - isn't my story great?   My much older husband kisses me goodbye, and heads off to work, (unaware that I had slipped a deadly poison into his oatmeal)

He then drops dead  only minutes later and I play the grieving young widow.  The autopsy said it was some heart thingy, I forget.   It was so tragic!   My favorite role ever!   Then. the spunky young widow goes on a TV show that's all about her meeting this handsome farmer type guy.  She gets a second chance at  love!!!

  It would make a great made-for-TV movie, don't you think?  I love my story, it's so awesomely tragic!!

[dbell1]

I thought Britt's fear was water and soap. And she's totally auditioning for The Bachelorette. Hope she gets it and lands another fame whore who dumps her.

Kelsey, you are an insensitive ass. Sell your soul for reality tv, but your late husband's family didn't sign up for you calling his death, a.k.a. "your story" great.

Jordan only came back for free cocktails.

[Rainsong]

The meager portion of events aired tonight should never have comprised even a single episode let alone a two-parter.  This wasn’t hurry-up-and-wait…it was only the wait part.

 

The producers, bless them, have been reduced to broadcasting long sequences of the girls’ bored expressions – frowns, cheeks puffed out in exasperation, and the thousand yard stare.  Wheeee.

 

The attempt at, or necessity of, doing this show on the cheap has never been more obvious.  The activities are bargain basement tourist fare with no touch of individuality or class (for lack of a better term) that might make them memorable and, more importantly, facilitate a romantic encounter.  Extending this damp squib of an episode into four hours of airtime is evidence of penury, a dearth of ideas or both.

 

Worse, the quest for short term gain will inevitably cause long term decline or even termination of ‘the brand’ since future prospective participants will watch and think ‘I really don’t want to go and sit in a room bored to death even if I fly on a private plane to get there.’

 

I freely admit to being biased in Kelsey’s favor but she also received the Crazy Edit as described here often.  Can’t really excuse the ‘my story’s tragic but amazing’ line.  It’s clearly a sort of self-help mantra but awkwardly stated and easily misinterpreted hence the vitriol directed at her.  Frankly, her plan worked quite well especially if it blunted, however temporarily, Chris’ plan to send her home on the night and if the ‘deceased husband’ story had to come out at least she managed the disclosure as opposed to being manipulated (read:  exploited) by the producers.  Was the end-of-episode crisis a panic attack?  Is she diabetic?  Was it a complete ruse?  Would hate to think she’s that cynical but it’s certainly possible.

 

We now know that next week’s episode provided much of the teaser reel drama.  I guessed wrong and thought that Kelsey collapsed in the aftermath of an argument with someone else but, of course, we have yet to see the rest of the evening’s proceedings.  Ashley I gets the waterworks going – again – and is there a two-on-one date that goes horribly wrong?

 

Carly is an all-too-familiar archetype:  an emotionally needy person who has put her previous significant others off with her neediness but in hindsight claims with a straight face that they avoided her for reasons still unknown to her.  In the interest of fairness let us recall that Britt also had a sexless relationship.  The touchy-feely date was the worst of all possible scenarios:  Chris played along as he always does for his own benefit i.e. to retain his ‘good guy’ aura but Carly interpreted a bit of coerced cuddling and kissing as a declaration of undying love.  Cue the Jealous Girl routine in which she spent hours explaining why she Really Didn’t Care.  Oh well…at least it reduced Ashley I’s camera time quota.

 

Jordan’s return made previous Prodigal Bachelorettes look positively alluring.  Chris couldn’t be bothered and neither could we.  Pointless waste of episode minutes especially as we didn’t need her to get the B/ettes in a catty mood...they were there already.

 

As many noted, Britt’s heights phobia cleared up magically despite the prospect of dangling in a basket at elevation.  Say what you like about her but she’s been patient and picked up where she left off when the chance came.  If she lit rings on fire in Chris’ suite she’d have him jumping through them in minutes.

 

Similarly, Whitney has the self-satisfied look of someone whose plan is coming together nicely.

 

Kaitlyn, you can’t do anything about the tattoos at the moment but lose the outdated nose stud.  We understand by now that you relieve your own nerves by talking incessantly but come up for air occasionally.

 

Chris is so noncommittal even at this late stage that even his most loyal supporters might reconsider.  It’s partially due to editing and the need for suspense, manufactured or otherwise.  We might not have agreed with past Bachelors’ choices but at least we could understand them based on the Bachelor’s own statements, actions, reactions, etc.  Past Bachelors were torn between seductresses, homebodies, tomboys, teacher types, etc. and we usually understood that each B/ette personality appealed to a corresponding aspect of the Bachelor’s persona and/or ego, even if certain ladies were ultimately a mismatch, including those who initially said yes to a marriage proposal.  The reality of this reality TV star is that he is a singularly uninteresting individual.  This is not a metrosexual polymath disguised as a rather dull farmer, this is just a dull farmer with above-average looks and physique.  That, not the remote Iowa setting, is what these ladies should wrestle with most as they pursue what will likely be a Pyrrhic victory.

Edited February 3, 2015 by Rainsong

[Lamb18]

I thought this was an awesome episode. First, the wacky date with the love guru. Did the producers really know what was involved in that therapy session? I was cringing for her. I liked Chris better, too, because he felt uncomfortable, too, and he stepped up and put a stop to the disrobing. I think despite the kiss, Chris is feeling more big brother/little sister with Carly. And he finally opened up and said something interesting about himself. I think Carly would be a cute Bachelorette but then she might end up not so nice and sweet.

 

The hypothermia thing is a real condition. I've known people with that - they need to wear mittens when it's not that cold out. Weird about Britt not showering. Wouldn't she start smelling? I think she'd feel grimy, too. Then Jordan comes back--I thought Chris handled that well.

 

Then there's Kelsey. Wow! Is she for real? I understand the mentality--she's written the script in her head and expects it to come true--but to be so confident of the outcome and admit it on TV is weird. I am liking Whitney better. She's smart. If one of the women was murdered she'd be out there gathering clues and figuring out who the guilty party is. I also liked her attitude about Jordan's return.

 

I can't help wondering if Kelsea is faking her panic attack, or if she took something to induce it. I guess we'll find out!

Edited February 7, 2015 by Lamb18

[KR Vermont]

Ashley I's pissiness at not getting the princess date will so pale in comparison to seeing what she missed out on the love guru date, what with all the blindfolded feeling each other up while sitting in his lap and breathing in each other's mouths. Feeding him dripping chocolate-covered strawberries! Telling him what scares you! Stripping one another's clothes off!

 

That love date might be ok if you're already intimately comfortable with your partner and (for me, anyway) there are no cameras involved, haha.

But as a first date being filmed for this ridic show...um, no. Of course we know Carly got it because her application must have mentioned all that she confided to Chris, about not being touched by her last bf and it shot her confidence a year and a half ago, etc. I imagine he would've loved to have that date with Britt, the one he gushed "I love kissing you" to. And took a two hour nap with. :) Kissing is exhausting!

[backformore]

I think Carly AND Britt were given a head's up that Chris was coming into the bedroom,  And given the time to spruce up. Carly made up the story about Britt putting on makeup before bed to cover up that they were only pretending to be sleeping, and knew he was coming in.  

 

 Britt not only had full make-up on, she also had her hair curled and combed.  AND - if you're not married or living with someone,  and you wake up to a man, in your bed, face-to-face, do you just open your eyes and kiss him?  Because I think the first instinct would be screaming, hitting, kicking.