Small Talk: The Prayer Closet

[Barb23]

@Christina87 Glad things went well on your interview.  I'll be keeping my fingers crossed & sending good vibes your way. 

[Christina87]

7 minutes ago, Barb23 said:

@Christina87 Glad things went well on your interview.  I'll be keeping my fingers crossed & sending good vibes your way. 

Thanks Barb! 💕💕💕

[Westiepeach]

47 minutes ago, Christina87 said:

If you're the praying type, pray for me!!! I just had a job interview today! I think it went really well!!! I'm so excited. It's for elementary music, and I really liked the school. I'm very happy with how it went! I can't control who else walks in the door, but I feel great about how I did. It seems like a positive environment, unlike the one I left. Any good vibes would be appreciated! 

Squee!!!! Good vibes on the way! 💕

[Christina87]

1 hour ago, Westiepeach said:

Squee!!!! Good vibes on the way! 💕

Hahaha I worked up an appetite at the interview! Wish I could come to your house!

[Westiepeach]

5 minutes ago, Christina87 said:

Hahaha I worked up an appetite at the interview! Wish I could come to your house!

We have to work on the teleporting thing, girlfriend! I will make anything you want!

[Natalie68]

2 hours ago, Jynnan tonnix said:

Back from my appointment and from visiting Mom.

She is feeling a bit better today after having been started on antibiotics and getting her sodium level sorted out. There are a couple of nodes on her lung that they want to biopsy, but they are more than likely nothing (Mom says maybe they are crumbs from an overly crunchy rotisserie chicken wing she had a week or two ago which went down the wrong way and she may have inhaled). Who knows?

As far as me, indications are that they caught everything very early, and there's actually about an 85% chance that they got everything during the colonoscopy, but I still need the surgery to double check and to make sure nothing moved to the lymph nodes even though it was still so early. I have to get a CAT scan and more blood work next week as well just to make sure all is as it appears, so I'm basically still in "wait and see" mode, though everything seems to be looking as good as can be expected.

That is very reassuring news so I am thinking all the happy thoughts in the world for you and your mom.  You have GOT THIS!!!!  

I was thinking of you the other day.  My husband and I are going to Poland in August with his mom and I just know I am going to have some questions for you.  Take care!

[Marigold]

Checking in, Friends.

I'm in teen daughter hell. Send help. 😀

[Natalie68]

1 minute ago, Marigold said:

Checking in, Friends.

I'm in teen daughter hell. Send help. 😀

Booze.  Lots O booze.

[crazycatlady58]

3 minutes ago, Marigold said:

Checking in, Friends.

I'm in teen daughter hell. Send help. 😀

Keep telling yourself "This to shall pass", you did live through the terrible twos.

[Jynnan tonnix]

Mr. Jyn is furious with me again...I wish I knew whether I was simply stupid or whether he overreacts, or whether I do, or what, but I'm a mess right now and he doesn't want to talk to me.

When I called my mom in the hospital this afternoon after my appointment to let her know I'd be down to visit her and to see what she might need me to pick up from her place on the way through, she said, "Oh, isn't *Mr. Jyn* coming?", and, though I didn't think he'd really planned on it, I asked him again since he was standing right there. He hissed, "well, I guess I am NOW", and even though Mom, on the phone, said, "oh, don't worry, if he has other things planned, that's OK", he wouldn't hear of it. When I told him, after I hung up with her, that it was quite OK if he didn't come, he just snapped, "Don't even go there!", and refused not to come along. Of course, he was perfectly nice during the visit at the hospital.

Earlier that morning, before my doctor's appointment, he had said he'd take me out to dinner (I guess to celebrate if things looked as though they were going OK with me or, alternately, to spare me from having to cook dinner if the news was worse), but he didn't say a word to me all the way home (about 45 minute drive) or when we got back. Only after I asked him if he was still looking at going out, he said, "I don't know what I want!", then proceeded to tell me how I never thought before I spoke, and how I had put him in a terrible position with my mother with no room to talk anything over, and that I "threw him to the wolves" (as I apparently do all the time) through never thinking before I speak, even though he constantly works to protect me from anything she might say proactively (yes, she can be quite judgmental and it's worn a wedge in our relationship throughout my life, but, again, that may be just as much my fault as hers since I do tend to be too sensitive)...But even though he does this for me on a regular basis, I can't, according to him, be bothered to even think ahead enough to show him the same courtesy, and he has to go through the trauma (his term) of having to deal with her dissatisfaction/disappointment/judgmental remarks because I never think ahead.

Of course, we are not going out to dinner now, partially because my face is too swollen from crying, and partially because he just doesn't really want to see me right now. But he hasn't eaten anything all day and didn't even have anything but chips and dip for dinner last night because we had a really big lunch. But he won't hear of me making dinner because he's not hungry now anyway. He's gone to bed even though it's not even 7:00, though who knows if he'll wake up hungry later on. I'll probably be hungry at some point, but there are plenty of leftovers in the fridge, so I'll find something. He hates leftovers, though.

Sorry to vent like this...I'm just really frustrated and aggravated, and feeling as though I never do anything right. Sometimes this feels like my life. I have to walk on eggshells a lot because I always manage to screw up.

[Natalie68]

27 minutes ago, Jynnan tonnix said:

Mr. Jyn is furious with me again...I wish I knew whether I was simply stupid or whether he overreacts, or whether I do, or what, but I'm a mess right now and he doesn't want to talk to me.

When I called my mom in the hospital this afternoon after my appointment to let her know I'd be down to visit her and to see what she might need me to pick up from her place on the way through, she said, "Oh, isn't *Mr. Jyn* coming?", and, though I didn't think he'd really planned on it, I asked him again since he was standing right there. He hissed, "well, I guess I am NOW", and even though Mom, on the phone, said, "oh, don't worry, if he has other things planned, that's OK", he wouldn't hear of it. When I told him, after I hung up with her, that it was quite OK if he didn't come, he just snapped, "Don't even go there!", and refused not to come along. Of course, he was perfectly nice during the visit at the hospital.

Earlier that morning, before my doctor's appointment, he had said he'd take me out to dinner (I guess to celebrate if things looked as though they were going OK with me or, alternately, to spare me from having to cook dinner if the news was worse), but he didn't say a word to me all the way home (about 45 minute drive) or when we got back. Only after I asked him if he was still looking at going out, he said, "I don't know what I want!", then proceeded to tell me how I never thought before I spoke, and how I had put him in a terrible position with my mother with no room to talk anything over, and that I "threw him to the wolves" (as I apparently do all the time) through never thinking before I speak, even though he constantly works to protect me from anything she might say proactively (yes, she can be quite judgmental and it's worn a wedge in our relationship throughout my life, but, again, that may be just as much my fault as hers since I do tend to be too sensitive)...But even though he does this for me on a regular basis, I can't, according to him, be bothered to even think ahead enough to show him the same courtesy, and he has to go through the trauma (his term) of having to deal with her dissatisfaction/disappointment/judgmental remarks because I never think ahead.

Of course, we are not going out to dinner now, partially because my face is too swollen from crying, and partially because he just doesn't really want to see me right now. But he hasn't eaten anything all day and didn't even have anything but chips and dip for dinner last night because we had a really big lunch. But he won't hear of me making dinner because he's not hungry now anyway. He's gone to bed even though it's not even 7:00, though who knows if he'll wake up hungry later on. I'll probably be hungry at some point, but there are plenty of leftovers in the fridge, so I'll find something. He hates leftovers, though.

Sorry to vent like this...I'm just really frustrated and aggravated, and feeling as though I never do anything right. Sometimes this feels like my life. I have to walk on eggshells a lot because I always manage to screw up.

HUGS!!!  I honestly don't know what you did wrong.  Perhaps he is very stressed and worried about you and doesn't know how to react?  But in my opinion when you asked him if he was going to see your mom, he is a big boy and could have said no.  You do not need this right now.  Take heart in knowing you did nothing wrong as far as I can see in what you wrote.

I am not sure you can do this but I want you to order something fantastic for dinner just for you.  Can you get delivery?  After the day and good news you had you need a treat.

Edited May 22, 2019 by Natalie68

[lookeyloo]

26 minutes ago, Jynnan tonnix said:

Mr. Jyn is furious with me again...I wish I knew whether I was simply stupid or whether he overreacts, or whether I do, or what, but I'm a mess right now and he doesn't want to talk to me.

When I called my mom in the hospital this afternoon after my appointment to let her know I'd be down to visit her and to see what she might need me to pick up from her place on the way through, she said, "Oh, isn't *Mr. Jyn* coming?", and, though I didn't think he'd really planned on it, I asked him again since he was standing right there. He hissed, "well, I guess I am NOW", and even though Mom, on the phone, said, "oh, don't worry, if he has other things planned, that's OK", he wouldn't hear of it. When I told him, after I hung up with her, that it was quite OK if he didn't come, he just snapped, "Don't even go there!", and refused not to come along. Of course, he was perfectly nice during the visit at the hospital.

Earlier that morning, before my doctor's appointment, he had said he'd take me out to dinner (I guess to celebrate if things looked as though they were going OK with me or, alternately, to spare me from having to cook dinner if the news was worse), but he didn't say a word to me all the way home (about 45 minute drive) or when we got back. Only after I asked him if he was still looking at going out, he said, "I don't know what I want!", then proceeded to tell me how I never thought before I spoke, and how I had put him in a terrible position with my mother with no room to talk anything over, and that I "threw him to the wolves" (as I apparently do all the time) through never thinking before I speak, even though he constantly works to protect me from anything she might say proactively (yes, she can be quite judgmental and it's worn a wedge in our relationship throughout my life, but, again, that may be just as much my fault as hers since I do tend to be too sensitive)...But even though he does this for me on a regular basis, I can't, according to him, be bothered to even think ahead enough to show him the same courtesy, and he has to go through the trauma (his term) of having to deal with her dissatisfaction/disappointment/judgmental remarks because I never think ahead.

Of course, we are not going out to dinner now, partially because my face is too swollen from crying, and partially because he just doesn't really want to see me right now. But he hasn't eaten anything all day and didn't even have anything but chips and dip for dinner last night because we had a really big lunch. But he won't hear of me making dinner because he's not hungry now anyway. He's gone to bed even though it's not even 7:00, though who knows if he'll wake up hungry later on. I'll probably be hungry at some point, but there are plenty of leftovers in the fridge, so I'll find something. He hates leftovers, though.

Sorry to vent like this...I'm just really frustrated and aggravated, and feeling as though I never do anything right. Sometimes this feels like my life. I have to walk on eggshells a lot because I always manage to screw up.

Yes indeed. Sounds like he puts thinks on you and  like the two of you have had this issue before. As dr joy Browne used to say “the best way to change someone else’s behavior is to change your own”. If you feel safe you could try that. Don’t play into it.  Try and go about your business. Please tell us you are safe. Hugs. 

[Temperance]

40 minutes ago, Marigold said:

Checking in, Friends.

I'm in teen daughter hell. Send help. 😀

Hoping she's off to college soon. 

[Jynnan tonnix]

17 minutes ago, Natalie68 said:

HUGS!!!  I honestly don't know what you did wrong.  Perhaps he is very stressed and worried about you and doesn't know how to react?  But in my opinion when you asked him if he was going to see your mom, he is a big boy and could have said no.  You do not need this right now.  Take heart in knowing you did nothing wrong as far as I can see in what you wrote.

I am not sure you can do this but I want you to order something fantastic for dinner just for you.  Can you get delivery?  After the day and good news you had you need a treat.

I just made myself a big ol' grilled cheese sandwich - comfort food. And meantime he woke up and decided to order a pizza - extra cheese - so I guess we are both having similar dinners. I might have some of the pizza as well, but I already eat my feelings too much as it is.

12 minutes ago, lookeyloo said:

Yes indeed. Sounds like he puts thinks on you and  like the two of you have had this issue before. As dr joy Browne used to say “the best way to change someone else’s behavior is to change your own”. If you feel safe you could try that. Don’t play into it.  Try and go about your business. Please tell us you are safe. Hugs. 

Yes...similar issues for as long as we have been together. And don't worry - that's been over 34 years, and he'd never hurt me. But he does make my cry more than my share, it sometimes seems.

[DangerousMinds]

I do wonder how he gets through life if he hates leftovers. Sometimes that's just what there is, right?

[Zella]

@Christina87 hope the job works out for you! Sounds like a good interview.

My thoughts remain with all of you are going through health issues.

@Jynnan tonnix I agree with @Natalie68 that he's an adult, and if he didn't want to go, it was within his power to not go, so he sounds like he's completely overreacting but making you feel bad about it. To me, it sounds like he wants his proverbial cake and to eat it too in agreeing to go but then being pissed about going. 

I don't blame you at all for being hurt about how he is acting, but if he wants to act childish and give you the silent treatment, just ignore him. Order delivery or eat leftovers and let him fend for himself if he's going to be so difficult about it. I think when people do the silent treatment with someone, they enjoy watching the other person scramble to pacify them. He loses that control if you just let him stew in it and deprive him of that opportunity. 

Edited May 23, 2019 by Zella

[galaxychaser]

2 hours ago, Marigold said:

Checking in, Friends.

I'm in teen daughter hell. Send help. 😀

Send her to me for a few days lol.

[Jynnan tonnix]

1 minute ago, Zella said:

@Christina87 hope the job works out for you! Sounds like a good interview.

My thoughts remain with all of you are going through health issues.

@Jynnan tonnix I agree with @Natalie68 that he's an adult, and if he didn't want to go, it was within his power to not go, so he sounds like he's completely overreacting but making you feel bad about it. To me, it sounds like he wants his proverbial cake and to eat it too in agreeing to go but then being pissed about going. 

I don't blame you at all for being hurt about how he is acting, but if he wants to act childish and give you the silent treatment, just ignore him. Order delivery or eat leftovers and let him fend for himself if he's going to be so difficult about it. I think when people do the silent treatment, they enjoy watching the other person scramble to pacify them. He loses that control if you just let him stew on it and deprive him of that opportunity. 

I keep trying to figure him out in some ways...Sometimes I do feel as though he likes to play martyr on purpose, but then again, at other times he does go so far out of his way to protect me from anything he can. And he's also got SUCH a quick mind that he can anticipate and react to/deflect almost anything a person might say in the space of normal conversation. He's also an intensely private person who never, ever gives anyone a glimpse as to what's going on inside him until he blows up, where I am one who will share (often overshare) pretty much anything with anyone who looks as though they will sit still long enough for it. Oddly, we are both introverts at heart, but while I am extremely shy but open with one person at a time, he is very good at playing the people person even in large groups while keeping his feelings closed off. 

Anyway, because he has this ability to anticipate the long-term consequence of any word he says before he says it, he can't  understand how I manage to blurt things out which might come back to bite me (or him). But the thing is that while my parents both tended to be very judgmental in a lot of ways, none of us ever really held grudges. What was said and reacted to blew over just as fast. But maybe not...as he says, and I can't exactly argue with him, I have lived with a constant sense of, "oh, my parents are going to give me grief over thus-and-such" for all my adult life, so obviously there were repercussions. Or, again, I am too unforgiving at heart even though I'm not consciously holding any sort of grudge. I never could really share my feelings with my parents because they would either end up worrying too much, then never letting up on asking about it, or tell me it was all my fault and/or I was just being ridiculous and silly. As an only child who never made friends easily, I never had someone to vent to and just have them say, "aww, I know how you feel".

I am probably just one messed up puppy.

[DragonFaerie]

Tuesday: Finally Got to meet with the new doctor this week one of the nephrologist and then got a call from another nephrologist that we’ve been seeing on and off for the past three weeks. she actually called me from her kids graduation and I’m guessing from the sounds of the background we’re talking maybe kindergarten. they’re doing dialysis right now. they’ve taken him off the long-term anabiotic the wbc still hovering at 22,000 they put him on a much lower anabiotic Cipro. The fluid around his lungs is simply because he’s getting more fluid in then out because he’s getting the TPN which is the protein and the lipids they’re all in an IV. Dialysis today is going to try to move fluid as well as clean the blood then they also are putting him on Lasix which we will hopefully help pull out more of the fluid. They did a chest and a stomach x-ray to verify there’s no obstruction in the stomach and just to see what condition the lungs were in from the fluid. the nephrologist on the phone said multiple times when he goes home, so everybody is looking positive he’s going to go home we just have to get that damn hole in his stomach healed so he could actually start drinking and moving. when I got here today a new PT person was working on him she had disconnected his pulse oximeter and hadn’t bothered to raise his oxygen level before attempting to get him up. he was panting so hard. when I realized that I hooked it back up and got his ass back lying down in bed while the PT person is like well you know you’re only hurting yourself if you’re not gonna do these exercises at which point I leaned over him and said I want you to take a big deep breath through your nose and let it out. he painted out what’s the number?we want the pulse ox to read 95 to 100 and an alarm goes off if the pulse ox if it drops below 90 he was at fucking 71. I asked the PT person how much did you raise the oxygen before you got him up. she didn’t. she continues to baby berate him while I get the nurse to raise the freaking oxygen. his oxygen actually dropped down the lowest to 67. in a couple minutes we at least got it up to 88 and eventually back up to 95. I can’t prove it but I think I did snarl at the new PT person. oh you better believe I will be having a conversation with somebody but it just reinforces the fact to me that I need to be here 24 seven so I have no idea what I’m going to do but keep sending that energy, the good thoughts that his kidneys are kicking into gear so he can pee and that damn hole heals so he can eat

 Also nephrologist on the phone asked me a few questions and said she’s really confused about why this whole thing started because based on how much alcohol he drank and the fact that he was only doing 400 mg twice a day of ibuprofen for for five days she does not think this is alcohol caused. Gee what I have I’ve been saying the whole time? They have also checked with infectious disease and they don’t think that they need to step in and do anything which is good but they’re still sort of all scratching their heads as to what caused this. Hospitalist does have him still on his lactulose once a day. he started saying well you know some liver patients need it and some don’t and I was like no , I can tell a major difference when he has it and when he doesnt so that puppy doesn’t go away and he was like oh OK you’re the one who sees him every day all the time. I swear can I get some sort of honorary degree by the time he’s well and at home?

Had a private meeting with the nurse manager who took notes. he literally freaked out that Raymond got down to 67 on the pulse ox and the fact that the PT person disconnected him from the pulse ox and was not concerned at all with his oxygen level. he immediately went out of the meeting and headed straight for the physical therapy manager so that’s done. they’re starting the process of unhooking Raymond from dialysis along with shift change so it may be another hour or so I’ll start heading home to take more cold and cough meds but we’ll see

Wednesday: Okay everyone, here we go. I came home last night after husband was unhooked from dialysis - they pulled 2 liters off fluid off. Came home, jugged cold medicine, fed cats and faceplanted into bed. Dragged myself up this morning and back to the hospital. Still sneezing and at times trying not to throw up, but I'm his nurse, cheerleader, protective knight and jester.
Today was so busy, nothing bad, but everytime I pulled out the phone someone else came in. So yesterday I saw his hospitalist, Dr. Benedict, Today it's Dr. Lee and she told me tomorrow it will be someone new, sigh. Albumin, one of the liver tests is holding consistent and they are pleased. Ammonia level down to the 40's. WBC 23,000, BUT considering they took him off the super strong antibiotics and it DIDN'T jump up huge amounts has everyone thrilled!. No second thorocentisis at this time - they are going to go with more dialysis and the lasix as a safer route for now.
Met Dr. Chu, the surgeon following him this week, Dr. Baggs will take over on Friday. Said they would try the blue dye test today in the NG tube, then another scan tomorrow Thursday. They - the surgeons are debating with radiology about whether they want to do a barium scan or another CT scan. The CT scan has the dye sit for 1.5 hours before making the scan, while the Barium is real time scan. Dr. Chu, she feels that from what they've seen is that perhaps the hole is healing from the inside out, so that there may be a barrier formed, which is why to start with the blue dye. They are also talking about removing one of the JP drains - the one that is gathering very little fluid, so it would be one less thing in him
He got up today, with help to the port a potty and sat in the chair. the PT supervisor came today and worked with both leg and arm exercises with him in bed, since he had already been up. She was THRILLED, when I pulled out the new exercise bands I had ordered and ran through different exercises we can do with those to build more strength. She was impressed at his arm strength.
Blue dye went in too fast via the NG tube and he puked it up. But we're still watching the JP drains to see if any blue comes out.
Dialysis again today to pull off more fluid and clean. Surgeon told me that they can reschedule his scan if they need to so that they don't put him through dialysis and a scan on the same day. She agreed that's way to much to put him through

Nephrologist and I discussed replacing the the neck dialysis port with a perma port, and he wants to wait to see what the next scan says. Sigh. Talked to his nurse Angela today -she had him yesterday from 7 am - 11 pm and said after a nap post dialysis - he was very talkative and coherent. Today we watched jeopardy and he was correctly guessing a lot of the answers. Off course one whole category was on dimes - so yea - LOL. She has him today until 11 pm as well. Then I overheard a section of the doctors/nurses/etc talking and going over his case outside the room. They said, we don't have any urine output in the record but the wife has documented multiple times, even amounts. One of the doctors said, if she said it, I'm going to believe her. She knows more about this case than anyone. So, um yea??!! LOL.

[Zella]

@Jynnan tonnix sounds like he does have a bit of a hero complex, which ties in with him also going above and beyond to shield you from things but also seeming to be a martyr about other things. 

I think even if he can anticipate the consequences of statements pretty quickly--I'm a little bit like that, to be honest--it's still on him to then retract himself from the situation.

Like, if he realizes it's going to be a pain in the ass to go because it will create some long-term issues he will have to deal with, he could just as easily come up with an excuse for not going. That way, it doesn't look like he is just saying no, but he still doesn't have to go, and he doesn't put it all on you. 

I am the queen of inventing excuses to get out of stuff, so I am admittedly a bit biased.

I'm very introverted--though not shy at all--so I do have to recharge. If I don't, I became exhausted and angry. I know this about myself and will opt out of events that are stacked on top of each other.

I also don't do spontaneous--my idea of spontaneous is 3 days' notice and hours of planning LOL--so when some well-meaning free spirit tries to spring something on me, I usually extricate myself from it and force them to postpone to a set later date, so I can emotionally cope. 

I know these things are me being, well, me and not someone else's fault, so I have become good at inventing vague plans--which usually involve me and Netflix and glorious isolation--that pre-empt me from going but don't make the other person feel like I'm dodging them since I can then plan something with them for a later date. 

Maybe next time he doesn't want to go along with something with your mother, he could just claim he has other plans? That strikes me as a lot more humane to you. I really don't think anything you did necessitates hours of the silent treatment. 😞  

[sixlets]

I'm actually heading up to bed in a few minutes, but I did want to drop by and say thank you for all the love, well-wishes and support you have all shown.  Being in this particular community, I feel like I have a ton on supporters, which gives me an extra boost to my day.  

Just for a short reference, IP is just a shortened name for Intractable Pain.  I was able to find an easy (meaning quick) article on Wiki, and it's pretty accurate, at least in my situation.  I will try to be around more tomorrow to answer any more questions, but I will leave the short Wiki article in question.

This diagnosis came about from one of the ER docs I saw years ago, and I am still frightened by it :(

[Happyfatchick]

@DragonFaerie, guuuurl, you wear me OUT, and I’m just reading.  Oh my GOSH what a plateful you’ve had to digest lately.  What a shock to your system.  I worry about you every day.  

@Jynnan tonnix (I hit the wrong identifier by mistake and almost sent a really cray cray message to a total stranger).  I don’t think he means any of it.  I don’t think he means to make you cry, but I don’t think he’s oblivious.  (I don’t think he wants to know he made you cry and I don’t think he knows how to process it WHEN you cry and he knows he’s responsible.  He’s military, or retired military.  Tears aren’t really part of their processing.)  I DO however, think he overreacts to very small issues.  And the years you’ve been married - sheesh, what a nightmare.  I’m married to one of those guys too, but my guess is IRL, I’m far more vocal and far less willing than you to be pushed.  The thing is - those guys who internalize everything (EVERYTHING) never know how to uncheck that box.  He’s worried about you and your health issues, he’s worried about this thing or that thing, and it’s just grinding around in there in his brain so that when he responds to you about anything, it’s a bark.  Right?   He never says anything kind, never seems to recognize anything positive but is MORE than willing to point out the negative.   Is ALWAYS on hand to point out how you do something wrong (like how you start the car, hold your grandchild, leave a fork in the sink past 11:00, cut your meat, hold the scissors, not “this” toilet paper).  Seems so critical all the time, and never seems to get that a little positive reinforcement would go a long way and never bothers to point out anything GOOD...  as in, can’t be bothered to say “wow, that was really good”.   meanwhile, whatever is occupying HIS brain space is rolling around and bumping into the sides.  Not exactly narcissistic, but self absorbed.  He is completely internal and you feel you don’t matter at all.  And you can’t change that.  There’s nothing you can do, unfortunately, to keep him from internalizing everything.   Or for projecting what sounds like criticizing or outright condemnation when it’s actually worry and/or stress that’s making him be a brat.  The thing that he barks about is rarely the actual thing the gears are grinding.  About twice a year, average, I sit my husband down and say (not gently, but not overly aggressively either) “you’re doing that thing again.  I know we’ve had this talk a million times, but I’m going to shoot you in the face pretty soon if it doesn’t stop”.   Sometimes our peace talks aren’t civil at all.  Like I clang a pot down with gusto, point at him and say “BE NICE TO ME ASSHOLE, I DONT DESERVE THIS!”.   Sometimes he gets that AND the couch talk (I mean later, when I’m not actively looking for a weapon).  He checks himself.  He acts better.  (It’s an act.  TOTAL complete stupefying ACT for him to be kind.  To me.  His wife.  Life partner.  What the HECK is that???).  We reset to zero.  Gradually he slips back into his normal internal patterns and begins barking at me for randomness.  I say “you’re getting close, buddy”.  It builds and gets worse and eventually we’re on the couch and I’m threatening him with bodily harm.  And then we reset to zero.  Again.  I’m an overcommunicator and he’s seriously a non-communicator.  I think you’re about the same except I doubt you’re as willing as me to say, no no no, I don’t get PAID for this ...    it’s so bizarre, isn’t it, how you can love someone so much and hate them just as much?

i sound like its normal and doesn’t bother me at all, when in fact, it drives me CRAZY.  

@Christina87. so MUCH good luck vibes pointed at you.  I’m crossing all my fingers and toes that this job is yours!  Did they give you some idea when to expect to hear regarding the next step?

[Christina87]

32 minutes ago, Happyfatchick said:

@DragonFaerie, guuuurl, you wear me OUT, and I’m just reading.  Oh my GOSH what a plateful you’ve had to digest lately.  What a shock to your system.  I worry about you every day.  

@Jynnan tonnix (I hit the wrong identifier by mistake and almost sent a really cray cray message to a total stranger).  I don’t think he means any of it.  I don’t think he means to make you cry, but I don’t think he’s oblivious.  (I don’t think he wants to know he made you cry and I don’t think he knows how to process it WHEN you cry and he knows he’s responsible.  He’s military, or retired military.  Tears aren’t really part of their processing.)  I DO however, think he overreacts to very small issues.  And the years you’ve been married - sheesh, what a nightmare.  I’m married to one of those guys too, but my guess is IRL, I’m far more vocal and far less willing than you to be pushed.  The thing is - those guys who internalize everything (EVERYTHING) never know how to uncheck that box.  He’s worried about you and your health issues, he’s worried about this thing or that thing, and it’s just grinding around in there in his brain so that when he responds to you about anything, it’s a bark.  Right?   He never says anything kind, never seems to recognize anything positive but is MORE than willing to point out the negative.   Is ALWAYS on hand to point out how you do something wrong (like how you start the car, hold your grandchild, leave a fork in the sink past 11:00, cut your meat, hold the scissors, not “this” toilet paper).  Seems so critical all the time, and never seems to get that a little positive reinforcement would go a long way and never bothers to point out anything GOOD...  as in, can’t be bothered to say “wow, that was really good”.   meanwhile, whatever is occupying HIS brain space is rolling around and bumping into the sides.  Not exactly narcissistic, but self absorbed.  He is completely internal and you feel you don’t matter at all.  And you can’t change that.  There’s nothing you can do, unfortunately, to keep him from internalizing everything.   Or for projecting what sounds like criticizing or outright condemnation when it’s actually worry and/or stress that’s making him be a brat.  The thing that he barks about is rarely the actual thing the gears are grinding.  About twice a year, average, I sit my husband down and say (not gently, but not overly aggressively either) “you’re doing that thing again.  I know we’ve had this talk a million times, but I’m going to shoot you in the face pretty soon if it doesn’t stop”.   Sometimes our peace talks aren’t civil at all.  Like I clang a pot down with gusto, point at him and say “BE NICE TO ME ASSHOLE, I DONT DESERVE THIS!”.   Sometimes he gets that AND the couch talk (I mean later, when I’m not actively looking for a weapon).  He checks himself.  He acts better.  (It’s an act.  TOTAL complete stupefying ACT for him to be kind.  To me.  His wife.  Life partner.  What the HECK is that???).  We reset to zero.  Gradually he slips back into his normal internal patterns and begins barking at me for randomness.  I say “you’re getting close, buddy”.  It builds and gets worse and eventually we’re on the couch and I’m threatening him with bodily harm.  And then we reset to zero.  Again.  I’m an overcommunicator and he’s seriously a non-communicator.  I think you’re about the same except I doubt you’re as willing as me to say, no no no, I don’t get PAID for this ...    it’s so bizarre, isn’t it, how you can love someone so much and hate them just as much?

i sound like its normal and doesn’t bother me at all, when in fact, it drives me CRAZY.  

@Christina87. so MUCH good luck vibes pointed at you.  I’m crossing all my fingers and toes that this job is yours!  Did they give you some idea when to expect to hear regarding the next step?

No!!! That is the one thing that makes me nervous, but it seemed to go so well from start to finish, they probably didn't mean anything by it. Haha it feels like going on a good first date, and then thinking, "wait...he never said anything about wanting to do it again!" But...a lot of the time, you hear from those guys. I think it was a really good sign that the principal showed me the classroom! They had the next interview there (not sure if we were being interviewed for the same position or not), but he still took the time to show me the classroom. It seemed like such a good school! Everyone was pleasant and relaxed. It made me realize just how much tension and stress was in the air at my old school. I had ten people in the room interviewing me, and they were so warm and welcoming! Ahhhhh I really hope I get it! I know they were doing interviews over two days (one day last week, and today) so hopefully they will decide soon!

[Barb23]

@Jynnan tonnix I think Mr. Jynn & Mr. Barb were made from the same mold & I can relate sooo much to your posts.  I think Mr Jynn's actions today were related to you & your health, something he has no control over which has upset him even more than the problem.  I understand as Mr. Barb is the same way with me & all my health problems.  I've  learned to accept this is the way he is but it still hurts.  Luckily for me things have improved since he has retired.  Sending virtual hugs your way.

@Happyfatchick You gave me such a laugh (when I needed it) after reading that you almost posted your reply to a stranger.  BtW, you hit the nail on the head with your post*.  You really need to write a book.

*ETA - I don't mean to exclude anyone as I think all the reply posts to Jynn have been helpful & informative. 

Edited May 23, 2019 by Barb23

[crazycatlady58]

12 hours ago, Jynnan tonnix said:

Mr. Jyn is furious with me again...I wish I knew whether I was simply stupid or whether he overreacts, or whether I do, or what, but I'm a mess right now and he doesn't want to talk to me.

When I called my mom in the hospital this afternoon after my appointment to let her know I'd be down to visit her and to see what she might need me to pick up from her place on the way through, she said, "Oh, isn't *Mr. Jyn* coming?", and, though I didn't think he'd really planned on it, I asked him again since he was standing right there. He hissed, "well, I guess I am NOW", and even though Mom, on the phone, said, "oh, don't worry, if he has other things planned, that's OK", he wouldn't hear of it. When I told him, after I hung up with her, that it was quite OK if he didn't come, he just snapped, "Don't even go there!", and refused not to come along. Of course, he was perfectly nice during the visit at the hospital.

Earlier that morning, before my doctor's appointment, he had said he'd take me out to dinner (I guess to celebrate if things looked as though they were going OK with me or, alternately, to spare me from having to cook dinner if the news was worse), but he didn't say a word to me all the way home (about 45 minute drive) or when we got back. Only after I asked him if he was still looking at going out, he said, "I don't know what I want!", then proceeded to tell me how I never thought before I spoke, and how I had put him in a terrible position with my mother with no room to talk anything over, and that I "threw him to the wolves" (as I apparently do all the time) through never thinking before I speak, even though he constantly works to protect me from anything she might say proactively (yes, she can be quite judgmental and it's worn a wedge in our relationship throughout my life, but, again, that may be just as much my fault as hers since I do tend to be too sensitive)...But even though he does this for me on a regular basis, I can't, according to him, be bothered to even think ahead enough to show him the same courtesy, and he has to go through the trauma (his term) of having to deal with her dissatisfaction/disappointment/judgmental remarks because I never think ahead.

Of course, we are not going out to dinner now, partially because my face is too swollen from crying, and partially because he just doesn't really want to see me right now. But he hasn't eaten anything all day and didn't even have anything but chips and dip for dinner last night because we had a really big lunch. But he won't hear of me making dinner because he's not hungry now anyway. He's gone to bed even though it's not even 7:00, though who knows if he'll wake up hungry later on. I'll probably be hungry at some point, but there are plenty of leftovers in the fridge, so I'll find something. He hates leftovers, though.

Sorry to vent like this...I'm just really frustrated and aggravated, and feeling as though I never do anything right. Sometimes this feels like my life. I have to walk on eggshells a lot because I always manage to screw up.

Hugs, no words just hugs.

[Christina87]

You know what gets my panties in a wad more than anything? People who aren't respectful of others' time!!! Most of the duggars would fall into this category, lol. Think JB showing up a day early to Anna's with 20 people. This doesn't have anything to do with the job interview btw. Just...PSA: be a normal person and keep your commitments! And don't be shady!

i'm so frustrated, because I have an opportunity to work three days this weekend at a friend's new business. Obviously I really need the cash! I quit all the dating sites I was on, and am focusing on living my life right now, and losing weight. I started my fitness pal a few weeks ago, and lost three pounds before my vacation. Nothing else has worked at all (low carb, meats and salads, no sweets, exercising a lot, etc), so I was excited about this progress! I ate more reasonably at the beach too, and didn't regain everything. I'm feeling encouraged, for once, and I'm going to focus on weight loss for a while. It may improve my dating life, but I just want to feel more confident. If I can feel better about myself while dating, that's the goal. 

But anyway, there was one guy I had planned to go out with, and he asked me out for this weekend. We made plans for Saturday. When I realized it was Memorial Day, I asked if he was doing something Monday, and said we could do that day instead of he didn't have plans for the holiday, thinking it might be fun. He took FOREVER to get back to me, and I just assumed we were still on for Saturday. I scheduled myself to work Saturday morning, and then full days Sunday and Monday. Then today, he finally got back to me and said he's sick, and he still wants to do Saturday if he is better. Uh huh. I've heard that before. Translation: if the 21-year-old I'm talking to can do Saturday, then I'll be sick. I'm over the point of caring, so I sent him a text saying that I'm losing a chance to work if he doesn't come Saturday, so if he's just not planning to come, please tell me now, and we can both just move on.

I really don't care if it makes me look like the bitter, jaded woman. This is why daters of both genders get bitter! Everyone is so blasé about their commitments, without thinking about how they are impacting the other person's life. They need to realize that others are turning down plans and work opportunities in order to spend time with them. Most women aren't twiddling their thumbs, watching chick flicks and drinking wine all weekend unless they have a date, but that seems to be what guys think. Flaking because something "better" came along won't just leave them with disappointment, but also missed chances. 

Anyway, he claims he is really sick. I told him I believe him, because what else can I do? I don't care if I "scared him off" either, because sorry, he's being a coward. If I were sick, I would have told the person asap, and been really upfront about it. I try so hard to be considerate of others, and it makes me so mad when others can't show the same courtesy! It's not even about the date. I don't have super high hopes, and to be honest, would feel relieved if he called it off. I just have the feeling this dude is one of those passive guys who wants to be told what to do, like Josiah, and I am not a lauren. But regardless, if I give up a chance to work, you'd better be there, or be upfront, transparent, and apologetic about why you can't come. He hasn't even acknowledged that I feel inconvenienced!

And then, if I knew he wasn't coming, another option would have been working Saturday, and either a half day or not at all Monday, to spend Memorial Day with my family. Either scenario...working three days, or being with my family, would be better than planning around a flake and being cancelled on. I despise flakes!!!

sorry for the novel! I'm a) happy that I won't have to deal with this situation again for a while, and b) over inconsiderate people!!! I don't even care about the dude at this point, or consider him missed potential. I just care that people are SO free with other peoples' time, and it's rude!

[Nysha]

13 hours ago, Zella said:

I also don't do spontaneous--my idea of spontaneous is 3 days' notice and hours of planning LOL--so when some well-meaning free spirit tries to spring something on me, I usually extricate myself from it and force them to postpone to a set later date, so I can emotionally cope. 

That's me! The last time I did something spontaneous, it was an outside event and I had put on a floral perfume and had to sit in a hot car for 2 hours to keep from being attacked by bees.

@DragonFaerie, it's great that the doctors recognize your attention to detail and listen to you. You have my prayers that you get well along with your husband.

@JynnanTonnyx3, regardless of how it was presented, your husband is a grown man who made the decision to visit your mother even though she gave him an out. However, after 34 years of this, he's probably not going to change. When he's going off, just remember it's him, not you and try not to take it personally.

@Marigold, you have my sympathy. Deep breaths and remember that this too shall pass. 

[Natalie68]

14 hours ago, Jynnan tonnix said:

I keep trying to figure him out in some ways...Sometimes I do feel as though he likes to play martyr on purpose, but then again, at other times he does go so far out of his way to protect me from anything he can. And he's also got SUCH a quick mind that he can anticipate and react to/deflect almost anything a person might say in the space of normal conversation. He's also an intensely private person who never, ever gives anyone a glimpse as to what's going on inside him until he blows up, where I am one who will share (often overshare) pretty much anything with anyone who looks as though they will sit still long enough for it. Oddly, we are both introverts at heart, but while I am extremely shy but open with one person at a time, he is very good at playing the people person even in large groups while keeping his feelings closed off. 

Anyway, because he has this ability to anticipate the long-term consequence of any word he says before he says it, he can't  understand how I manage to blurt things out which might come back to bite me (or him). But the thing is that while my parents both tended to be very judgmental in a lot of ways, none of us ever really held grudges. What was said and reacted to blew over just as fast. But maybe not...as he says, and I can't exactly argue with him, I have lived with a constant sense of, "oh, my parents are going to give me grief over thus-and-such" for all my adult life, so obviously there were repercussions. Or, again, I am too unforgiving at heart even though I'm not consciously holding any sort of grudge. I never could really share my feelings with my parents because they would either end up worrying too much, then never letting up on asking about it, or tell me it was all my fault and/or I was just being ridiculous and silly. As an only child who never made friends easily, I never had someone to vent to and just have them say, "aww, I know how you feel".

I am probably just one messed up puppy.

Please don't succumb to negative talk about yourself.  You seem like a fantastic person who is in touch with their feelings.  

[Jynnan tonnix]

Babysitting today...Remy zonked right back out on my shoulder after her nap, and I ended up with not only an extra hour of reading and relaxation time, but al so ALLLLL the baby snuggles!! 😍

[Zella]

11 hours ago, Nysha said:

That's me! The last time I did something spontaneous, it was an outside event and I had put on a floral perfume and had to sit in a hot car for 2 hours to keep from being attacked by bees.

Oh my God--that sounds so much like something that would happen to me! 

I actually tend to befriend other non-spontaneous people naturally, so we are mutually crazy about pre-planning! 

[Christina87]

1 minute ago, Zella said:

Oh my God--that sounds so much like something that would happen to me! 

I actually tend to befriend other non-spontaneous people naturally, so we are mutually crazy about pre-planning! 

@Zella I will be your friend!!! I'm not spontaneous either, at all. Nothing drives me more crazy than not knowing what my weekend plans are by at least Thursday (not having any plans is fine too, but up in the air plans are the worst!). 

I've also learned to wait a while before I respond when someone asks me to do something at all out of my comfort zone, because my immediate reaction is "hell no!" If I wait even an hour to answer, a lot of the time, I will have decided it sounds fun. Let's say someone invites me to a music festival or something. They will likely get a string of texts that look like this:

a music festival? I don't think I can. 

I'll look, though. I might be able to. 

What kind of music is it? Is it the one they've been advertising with beach music?

i might be able to make it. I'll let you know by tomorrow. Let me see if I'm going to dinner with this friend on that day.

i hope I can go. It sounds cool!

i'm pretty sure I can go. I'm excited. 

I just found out! I can go!!! I am soooo pumped!

[Zella]

12 minutes ago, Christina87 said:

@Zella I will be your friend!!! I'm not spontaneous either, at all. Nothing drives me more crazy than not knowing what my weekend plans are by at least Thursday (not having any plans is fine too, but up in the air plans are the worst!). 

I've also learned to wait a while before I respond when someone asks me to do something at all out of my comfort zone, because my immediate reaction is "hell no!" If I wait even an hour to answer, a lot of the time, I will have decided it sounds fun. Let's say someone invites me to a music festival or something. They will likely get a string of texts that look like this:

a music festival? I don't think I can. 

I'll look, though. I might be able to. 

What kind of music is it? Is it the one they've been advertising with beach music?

i might be able to make it. I'll let you know by tomorrow. Let me see if I'm going to dinner with this friend on that day.

i hope I can go. It sounds cool!

i'm pretty sure I can go. I'm excited. 

I just found out! I can go!!! I am soooo pumped!

YES! We would be simpatico planning buddies! 😄

I actually will often enjoy new experiences that I would suspect I wouldn't, but I can't just be thrown into them. If they are sprung on me last minute, it is an automatic no. (Also, if they are going to last beyond my time period where I can seem super extroverted before all my energy crashes, that's an automatic no. The world gets about 4 hours max of me interacting with it before I really need to go run away and recharge or become grouchy and exhausted.) 

But if I am given some lead time to ponder and research and plan, then I can actually usually talk myself into it. And I am almost always glad I did. 

And I have totally used the, "let me consult with someone else to make sure it will work" and then the people I am "consulting" are just me, myself, and I. LOL 

[galaxychaser]

This week not one person texted me to say hi . I’m so depressed that I have no one, no friends, no one cares about me. I’m tired of even trying to be friends with these losers. I guess my destiny is to be alone. 

[Christina87]

57 minutes ago, Zella said:

YES! We would be simpatico planning buddies! 😄

I actually will often enjoy new experiences that I would suspect I wouldn't, but I can't just be thrown into them. If they are sprung on me last minute, it is an automatic no. (Also, if they are going to last beyond my time period where I can seem super extroverted before all my energy crashes, that's an automatic no. The world gets about 4 hours max of me interacting with it before I really need to go run away and recharge or become grouchy and exhausted.) 

But if I am given some lead time to ponder and research and plan, then I can actually usually talk myself into it. And I am almost always glad I did. 

And I have totally used the, "let me consult with someone else to make sure it will work" and then the people I am "consulting" are just me, myself, and I. LOL 

YES to all of this!!! Omg. We are definitely soul sisters, lol! Sounds like we are on the same wavelength. Could not agree more about the time limit thing, and talking myself into it. I also often feel better if I can drive separately, since I'll at least have some control over the situation if I need to leave. 

[Christina87]

35 minutes ago, galaxychaser said:

This week not one person texted me to say hi . I’m so depressed that I have no one, no friends, no one cares about me. I’m tired of even trying to be friends with these losers. I guess my destiny is to be alone. 

We're your friends!!! I know it's not the same, though, and I'm so sorry to hear this. Please don't feel down on yourself! You're a wonderful person who clearly has a lot to offer. I really admire all the new things you have been trying lately, too. Trust me, a lot of us have been there before, feeling lonely, or like we put more effort into our relationships than the other party, and it definitely sucks! Please know that we consider ourselves your friends here! It's not the same as having friends where you live, for sure, but we do care about you. Hugs. I wish you lived here! I would totally invite you out to celebrate my friend's birthday tomorrow for a girl's night!

[Love2dance]

@galaxychaser, it’s times like this that I wish we all lived close to each other and could offer support in person. But I agree with @Christina87 that we are your friends, and do care.

All I can suggest is to keep joining groups whose events you would enjoy participating in and supporting. If you are enthusiastic about their programs, it will hopefully help you find like minded friends. But at the least it will give you meaningful ways to spend time. Don’t give up! 

We’re all pulling for you. Hugs!

[DragonFaerie]

Hubby Didn’t sleep last night much but color is better today. Breathing is easier. They’re going to discontinue the lactulose enema for the next couple of days since his ammonia levels are good right now. Dialysis will be tomorrow it looks like. Nephroligist is pleased with how his legs and body looks with the 3-4 liters of fluid that has been removed in the past two days. He has been moved again. it’s on the north side instead of the southside. it’s a bigger room. I have a fancy reclining chair and it supposed to be quieter. it also means no more heart monitor for him so that’s another thing off of him. first plan of the day will be a non-contrast CT scan mainly to make sure all the contrast from last week is gone and see what they can see with the scan. then there is a possibility he’ll come back up, radiology will read the scan discuss with the surgeons and then may try much later today to do a contrast CT scan. and the only concern is he threw up the blue dye yesterday. if we do do the contrast CT scan it’s going to be possibly this evening so not sure if we’ll get the report back tonight or in the morning and dialysis is scheduled for Friday wee!

So basic ct scan was done. No old dye there which is good, We held off on doing the contrast dye scan until this weekend to give him a break. We'll talk with the change of surgeons tomorrow, Friday, which is Dr. B - dialysis is schedule for Friday. He was finally sleeping when I left and actually snoring so I'm really hoping that he gets some good, relaxing sleep tonight and feels better tomorrow. Dr. C, the surgeon on for the past 4 days, says if we do the scan and the leak is bigger, we may have to go back in, which everyone is like, um, NO!!! Hubby wants to know how long we can keep going at this rate of TPN if the leak hasn't healed anymore. It's super frustrating, so everyone concentrate on that leak closing and being completely healed preferably ASAP, so that we can move forward on everything.

[Love2dance]

@DragonFaerie, you are a real heroine and your support and advocacy for your husband is making a huge difference in his recovery. Hoping you will continue to get good news and that the hospital team will listen to your wise thoughts and ideas.

[galaxychaser]

10 hours ago, Christina87 said:

We're your friends!!! I know it's not the same, though, and I'm so sorry to hear this. Please don't feel down on yourself! You're a wonderful person who clearly has a lot to offer. I really admire all the new things you have been trying lately, too. Trust me, a lot of us have been there before, feeling lonely, or like we put more effort into our relationships than the other party, and it definitely sucks! Please know that we consider ourselves your friends here! It's not the same as having friends where you live, for sure, but we do care about you. Hugs. I wish you lived here! I would totally invite you out to celebrate my friend's birthday tomorrow for a girl's night!

I appreciate that. It’s not the same. I have no one to talk to or go out with to lunch etc. it’s exhausting trying to be friends with these losers. So I won’t text or email anymore. They don’t care. I should not either. I mean one we supposed to meet at 5 pm she canceled at 4:10 pm. I was already on the train going there. It’s Friday night soon I’m going to see a movie by myself. 

Good day to all 

[Mindthinkr]

Gee. I went to visit my family and so much here has happened. First I’d like to say that I got to see my grandson play baseball. He got 2 runs and stole 3 bases. He’s a fast and sneaky kid. Talk about teen hell @Marigold my kids will be in for that when he gets older. I wish you the best with your situation and vent here or by PM as needed. His other 2 teen sibs are jolly good. Even had a heart to heart with oldest grandson re: dating and girls. It was honest and open. I wasn’t judgmental and am glad that the line of communication is firmly established. I also told his parents nothing about it as he’s a good kid and I saw no red flags. Hug to @Marigold

@Christina87 I hope that you get this dream job. I also have a problem with non-committal people. They dive me nuts and I hate being left hanging. How dare they think that their time is so much more important than mine! (Didn’t mean for that to sound harsh...I’m not good at waiting for Godot) Hug

@Jynnan tonnix Your husband is blessed to have you and never devalue yourself when he is acting up. You have a lot on your mind with your mother and if anything he should be more empathetic while you are dealing with her needs. It could be that he just doesn’t like sharing your attention. Not right, but a plausible theory. I hope he wises up. Hug. 

@DragonFaerie Wow. You are a strong trooper and deserve an honorary nursing degree. Thankfully the Drs see your value and pay attention to what you say. I hope that you are eating well and getting enough rest. This has to be exhausting for you, but it sounds as though things are improving and I’ll continue to pray that they do. Hug. 

@Happyfatchick I have a beau that’s highly critical. The other day he told me that he doesn’t like polish on my nails and they should be shaped and done with clear polish only...like his mother. He’s 78! Or I don’t cook as well as his prior deceased girlfriend. I’m over the comparisons, but retain my self worth. As much of a brat that he is, he is lucky to have me. Good luck with your man. They usually don’t change, but I can change (and decide how much time I am willing to interact with him). Hug. 

@galaxychaser You are never alone! You have us and believe me when I tell you that we all really do care. I won’t repeat myself in total, but you need to take a class, volunteer or join a group because there are other people out there who want and need new friends too. Wish you were near me as I’d invite you over for a fun weekend, let you meet some of my friends and let you see how it does work. I stay busy and do things because I can’t lean on only one friend too much. I need to be out there and boy it sure feels good to me when I can help someone else or enjoy a shared activity. Hug. 

[Mindthinkr]

14 minutes ago, galaxychaser said:

I appreciate that. It’s not the same. I have no one to talk to or go out with to lunch etc. it’s exhausting trying to be friends with these losers. So I won’t text or email anymore. They don’t care. I should not either. I mean one we supposed to meet at 5 pm she canceled at 4:10 pm. I was already on the train going there. It’s Friday night soon I’m going to see a movie by myself. 

Good day to all 

Where the heck do you live?  PM me if you choose to answer privately.

You are right. If they can’t be bothered to communicate and leave you hanging, you need better friends. 

Enjoy the movie.  I don’t mind going to them alone either. 

[galaxychaser]

I am going to meetup groups it’s not working. I live in NY. I don’t have time to volunteer sadly. I loved working at a senior center but the pay was terrible. The seniors were mostly friendly and kind!

[Christina87]

31 minutes ago, galaxychaser said:

I appreciate that. It’s not the same. I have no one to talk to or go out with to lunch etc. it’s exhausting trying to be friends with these losers. So I won’t text or email anymore. They don’t care. I should not either. I mean one we supposed to meet at 5 pm she canceled at 4:10 pm. I was already on the train going there. It’s Friday night soon I’m going to see a movie by myself. 

Good day to all 

Ugh, I'm so sorry. That is the epitome of rudeness!!! I hope this "friend" had a good reason, but I doubt they did, considering your post. I know that hurts. I hope you enjoy the movie, though! I prefer to go to the movies alone. I know it still sucks if it isn't what you want to be doing though. 

Y'all, I have had a terrible morning so far! I got an email saying I didn't get the job, and I was so disappointed. I called my mom, and she was MAD at me!!! Idk what her problem is. She insisted that I need to move to a small impoverished town on the coast, in order to get a job. Occasionally, teachers do that right out of school for a year or two, but not usually at my age, and they never like it. They're always itching to find a job in a decent district as soon as they have a year or two under their belt. She thinks I have to move, and laughs at me for wanting to stay here. I just don't think I'm being picky or unrealistic by wanting to stay here where I've built a life for myself, AND being open to many different fields. If I insisted on just teaching, moving might help, but I'm not. In fact, being able to move to a small, impoverished town is not the norm. Most people are married, or just want to live with their parents, etc, and eventually find something. I called my friend, who was irate, and insisted I can say here as long as I want and be a stay at home bird mom. 😂😂😂 she really appreciates how clean I keep the house, and having a warm dinner every night, so in a way, I'm the housewife I have always wanted to be, for the time being. 😜😜😜 I also have the opportunity to work a job serving Italian ice for a friend who just opened a business, mainly on weekends; not my dream job, but well paid for the type of job, and a way to bring in the cash I need to pay my insurance and basic needs. I still have a good nest egg in savings, but I don't want to spend any more. But beyond that, my friend agrees that we can find me a job. It's still early in teacher hiring season, and I do have experience. If I don't find a teaching job, we can work together on finding opportunities. I basically just applied random places online last fall, and then put my trust in recruiters who didn't really help, and then didn't look much because I was busy moving. I think that was the best I could do at the time, but now I know so much more, and am settled, so I can job search better. I think to some degree, I was not job searching my best at the beginning because I was still so traumatized by my former boss, at least subconsciously, but now i'm excited to find a new job, because I realize most bosses are way better! I could also sub if I had to. And again...it's early in teacher hiring season! Just the fact that I got scheduled for an interview the day I applied is a good sign. 

But what made me really mad was when I told my mom I felt worse after talking to her, and just needed some time to be sad. She laughed and said, "I don't think being sad is the best course of action right now." IT HAD BEEN LESS THAN TEN MINUTES SINCE I GOT THE REJECTION EMAIL!!! Incredulously, I asked, "I can't be sad for TEN MINUTES?!" Then we just agreed to stop talking. Normally she is reasonable, so idk why she got so mad. I thought she would be comforting, not angry. 

I just feel horrible. I'm really disappointed about not getting the job, but my mom's reaction made me feel a billion times worse. The day will have to get better. I'm going out with my friend tonight for her birthday, and at least that will be fun!

[galaxychaser]

@Christina87 I’m sorry you didn’t get the job!

[Mindthinkr]

7 minutes ago, Christina87 said:

Ugh, I'm so sorry. That is the epitome of rudeness!!! I hope this "friend" had a good reason, but I doubt they did, considering your post. I know that hurts. I hope you enjoy the movie, though! I prefer to go to the movies alone. I know it still sucks if it isn't what you want to be doing though. 

Y'all, I have had a terrible morning so far! I got an email saying I didn't get the job, and I was so disappointed. I called my mom, and she was MAD at me!!! Idk what her problem is. She insisted that I need to move to a small impoverished town on the coast, in order to get a job. Occasionally, teachers do that right out of school for a year or two, but not usually at my age, and they never like it. They're always itching to find a job in a decent district as soon as they have a year or two under their belt. She thinks I have to move, and laughs at me for wanting to stay here. I just don't think I'm being picky or unrealistic by wanting to stay here where I've built a life for myself, AND being open to many different fields. If I insisted on just teaching, moving might help, but I'm not. In fact, being able to move to a small, impoverished town is not the norm. Most people are married, or just want to live with their parents, etc, and eventually find something. I called my friend, who was irate, and insisted I can say here as long as I want and be a stay at home bird mom. 😂😂😂 she really appreciates how clean I keep the house, and having a warm dinner every night, so in a way, I'm the housewife I have always wanted to be, for the time being. 😜😜😜 I also have the opportunity to work a job serving Italian ice for a friend who just opened a business, mainly on weekends; not my dream job, but well paid for the type of job, and a way to bring in the cash I need to pay my insurance and basic needs. I still have a good nest egg in savings, but I don't want to spend any more. But beyond that, my friend agrees that we can find me a job. It's still early in teacher hiring season, and I do have experience. If I don't find a teaching job, we can work together on finding opportunities. I basically just applied random places online last fall, and then put my trust in recruiters who didn't really help, and then didn't look much because I was busy moving. I think that was the best I could do at the time, but now I know so much more, and am settled, so I can job search better. I think to some degree, I was not job searching my best at the beginning because I was still so traumatized by my former boss, at least subconsciously, but now i'm excited to find a new job, because I realize most bosses are way better! I could also sub if I had to. And again...it's early in teacher hiring season! Just the fact that I got scheduled for an interview the day I applied is a good sign. 

But what made me really mad was when I told my mom I felt worse after talking to her, and just needed some time to be sad. She laughed and said, "I don't think being sad is the best course of action right now." IT HAD BEEN LESS THAN TEN MINUTES SINCE I GOT THE REJECTION EMAIL!!! Incredulously, I asked, "I can't be sad for TEN MINUTES?!" Then we just agreed to stop talking. Normally she is reasonable, so idk why she got so mad. I thought she would be comforting, not angry. 

I just feel horrible. I'm really disappointed about not getting the job, but my mom's reaction made me feel a billion times worse. The day will have to get better. I'm going out with my friend tonight for her birthday, and at least that will be fun!

Be sure to tell your mother how low the pay is on those “impoverished areas near the coast” are.  My daughter works 60 hours for peanuts. They can’t even afford bus drivers so teachers have to do it (mandatory) at least 2 weeks a year with no extra pay! 

I’m very sorry to hear that you didn’t get the job, but you got good interview practice and next time I hope you have better results. 

Sorry about your Mom. She was probably just as disappointed as you were, but that doesn’t make it right for her to take it out on you. Yes, you are justified in having some sad time about not getting the job. 

Glad you have something to take your mind off of it and celebrate your friends birthday tonight. CAKE 🎂 

Hug

[Christina87]

14 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

Be sure to tell your mother how low the pay is on those “impoverished areas near the coast” are.  My daughter works 60 hours for peanuts. They can’t even afford bus drivers so teachers have to do it (mandatory) at least 2 weeks a year with no extra pay! 

I’m very sorry to hear that you didn’t get the job, but you got good interview practice and next time I hope you have better results. 

Sorry about your Mom. She was probably just as disappointed as you were, but that doesn’t make it right for her to take it out on you. Yes, you are justified in having some sad time about not getting the job. 

Glad you have something to take your mind off of it and celebrate your friends birthday tonight. CAKE 🎂 

Hug

Thanks so much!!! I told a woman that I saw as a mentor in my old job (not about my mom, but just about the disappointment in not getting the job), and she was so encouraging, telling me that I have a lot to offer, and to keep at it. And any way you look at it, I am so blessed to have a pleasant situation and all my basic needs met in the meantime. Plus, school isn't end out yet!! Such an INCREDIBLY small amount of teachers are hired that early. Between end of the year testing and behavior, principals usually put hiring on the back burner until school's been out a week or two. Plus, so many teachers want to quit or retire without fanfare, so they don't even tell anyone they're leaving until school's out. It's actually a lot more likely to get a job in July or August than April or May. So as disappointed as I am, I can't give up yet!!!

i hope your daughter can get into a better district soon, if she is able to move. I had several friends who took that route, while I was sooooo lucky to get the job I did in Charlotte. It was a great job for years, until the new principal came in! All of those friends said the same things you did about their experience, and moved back to a better area as soon as they could. I am soooooo fortunate that that's not my only option, though I obviously can't wait years to get a job. I've already looked, though, and found a few more jobs that I can apply to. Moving forward! I had two or three interviews before I got my original job, so it's just part of the process. 

[Zella]

Moving to a small town you don't want to live in for a job you don't want is not a good idea. I say this as someone who lives and works in a small town and likes my small town. But it really does limit your opportunities, and the atmosphere is not for everyone.

It works for me because I don't like living in bigger towns and I've been here since I was a kid, but I know a lot of people who move out here and then are miserable because they don't know anyone and can't find work.

It's why I started my own business, actually, because I didn't want to move and because with my master's degree I was either overqualified or underqualified for everything or would have just had to have gone back to school for something else. 

So, yeah, don't take your mom's advice on this. 🙂 

[Christina87]

12 minutes ago, Zella said:

Moving to a small town you don't want to live in for a job you don't want is not a good idea. I say this as someone who lives and works in a small town and likes my small town. But it really does limit your opportunities, and the atmosphere is not for everyone.

It works for me because I don't like living in bigger towns and I've been here since I was a kid, but I know a lot of people who move out here and then are miserable because they don't know anyone and can't find work.

It's why I started my own business, actually, because I didn't want to move and because with my master's degree I was either overqualified or underqualified for everything or would have just had to have gone back to school for something else. 

So, yeah, don't take your mom's advice on this. 🙂 

Awwww thank you @Zella! It's really cool that you have your own business! You need to stay in your town forever, hahaha. You are our source on the duggars' area! 😜

[Zella]

6 minutes ago, Christina87 said:

Awwww thank you @Zella! It's really cool that you have your own business! You need to stay in your town forever, hahaha. You are our source on the duggars' area! 😜

Thank you! I started it late last year. I have a freelance editing business. Had done it for years on the side, but I was desperate to get away from a toxic work environment. After months of very frustrating job searches--that included me considering moving or commuting long distances--it dawned on me that I was ignoring the thing I was probably most qualified to do and that I could easily do from anywhere as long as I had internet access. 

I quit a job with benefits to do this, which seemed like a questionable move, but even if my business folds, I do not regret the decision because I needed to do it for my own sanity. 

In any event, I have had a fairly steady stream of projects since March, I recently snagged my first truly new client for an ongoing project, and I also am working part-time to have a steady income. *fingers crossed*

Every time I drive over to the Sam's Clubs in Fayetteville or Bentonville, I always keep my eye out for a Duggar sighting. 😂

Edited May 24, 2019 by Zella

[Ohiopirate02]

@Christina87 stay strong.   I live in the eastern part of NC and I know how crappy the wages and living conditions are in the counties in the area.  As much as I don't like living in Pitt County,  I can't imagine trying to live anywhere else in this area besides Wilmington or New Bern.