Small Talk: The Prayer Closet

[amitville]

I've just had a call that my second brother, Dale, is on his way to a hospital in Atlanta. He was working at their church and took a 277 (?) volt of electricity arm to arm that crossed through his chest. Fell off a ladder in the process. He is conscious and in pain, can't move one arm. That's all I have right now, will post later. If you're a praying person, I'd appreciate any thoughts going his way.

Sending Prays an healing thoughts to your bother if you can keep us posted. FFHugs

[NextIteration]

Healing thoughts headed Dale's way, as well as cyberhugs for you!

[CherryMalotte]

Holy cow, poor guy - I'll have a good thought for him Happyfatchick.  

 

I love the little Maisie picture, she is like a Campbell soup kid!  

 

No pictures of the offspring's hair - it was kind of a bust.  It wasn't the girl's fault that was working on it, I think the teachers at the salon didn't think to tell her to foil the lifted areas, so they didn't bleach out like they should.  They put enough color on it, but none of the indigo took, and the orchid just looks kinda pink.  There's a couple of areas that it's okay, but she'll have to go back next weekend for them to fix it.  A shame really, the girl that has been doing our hair there is so nice, and she really worked hard on it.  

[ramble]

wanderwoman I got the impression from reading your post about changes after a baby is born, that you were also slightly questioning the changes in an average marital sex life. If I read that incorrectly just skip this & chalk my mistake up to the Duggar focus on sex & my own occasionally dirty mind. Good thing I'm in the prayer closet or I would have to go here anyway.

Personally, after my first was born, sex was low on my priority list. My first was very needy, slept little & had to have skin to skin contact to sleep most of the time. She nursed every 1-2 hours for the first month & every 3-4 hours for months after that. To say I was sleep deprived is an understatement, but more than that I was touched out. It felt like she was either nursing, laying on me to sleep, in a sling, or being rocked. She also could not tolerate highly stimulating environments. Loud noise, crowds, even small grocery stores would be too much information to process & she would have crying fits for extended periods of time afterwards in order to unwind & somehow process what had bombarded her senses. I became a hermit for a time to protect her. So in addition to feeling touched out I felt needed out as well. If I had a spare moment I wanted it for me, not for sex. I didn't want more touching or interacting I just wanted private peace.

While I believe my example is a bit extreme I think it's not uncommon for new parents, maybe especially mothers, to not place a high priority on sex. You & your DH have also been through a emotional upheaval with Maisie's birth, hospitalization, hearing loss & subsequent immersion in the information pool that comes from being concerned parents. It's normal for things to be different. IMO, it's a good idea to discuss things like this as openly as possible. My (now ex) DH & I eventually went to counseling & it was suggested, at least for a time, that we schedule sex at least once a week until we got out feet back underneath us. That way he knew he could count on it & I knew to prepare for the interaction. It sounds so clinical to type it out like that but at that point in my life I don't think sex was truly registering on my radar & my ex needed to feel that I cared about that aspect of our lives & still wanted that connection with him.

I think we might have been able to handle this issue better if my ex was actually interested in our child. We were married 10 years before we had a child & he quickly discovered that he did not want to change his life in any way. That made my interest in him even less. The fact that your DH is engaged & all in is a wonderful thing. Maybe y'all can try to find a time to set aside & have a date, even of it's at home, to connect not specifically physically but emotionally or mentally about something besides your new sweet girl. The first time my ex & I went to lunch together while my mom watched my kiddo it helped a lot, even though it was for only an hour, because we talked more like we had prior to her birth & it helped my remember myself as an individual person, not an extension of my child. I know for me it was hard not to focus all of my energy & concentration on my new child. Even having a conversation not involving my baby was a challenge for awhile so that lunch reminded me I was still me outside of everything else, a different me yes, but still me. These first few months are so full of changes in your lives that it's easy to feel lost, but it does get better. You learn to adapt & life reaches a new normal. For the first six months of my child's life my mom kept telling, on an almost daily basis, to just hold on that it would get better & she was right. Granted my neat & special bundle of blessing didn't sleep through the night until she was five, but my normal had adjusted & I had learned ways to cope & how to help without feeling completely emptied of all of me.

If I typed all that & there was no question about sex anywhere in your post than I am going to laugh at myself for a good, long time. If nothing else know that I, in my own little corner of the world, wish you, your DH & your little girl all the best!

[Readalot]

Happy, prayers for a quick and complete recovery for your brother. And for strength for you and your family.

[Wellfleet]

I've just had a call that my second brother, Dale, is on his way to a hospital in Atlanta. He was working at their church and took a 277 (?) volt of electricity arm to arm that crossed through his chest. Fell off a ladder in the process. He is conscious and in pain, can't move one arm. That's all I have right now, will post later. If you're a praying person, I'd appreciate any thoughts going his way.

 

Keeping your brother, you and all your family in my thoughts and prayers. Please update us when you're able...

[Seashell Lover]

Well the boys went to bed about 2 AM and got up a while ago after they eat the oldest will be at the rec center with his new friends.

[Jenniferbug]

WanderWoman, my heart goes out to you. The changes in a relationship can be rough. I think it took me 3-4 months after my daughter was born before I was able to be physically intimate with my husband. I didn't bounce back from pregnancy the way some women do so between feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and nursing our daughter, having someone else make any kind of request of my body was more than I could handle.

There is a definite adjustment period- I remember my husband would come home from work, and I would want him to immediately take the baby to give me a break from her...not realizing that he needed a break between being working all day (he's a teacher and a coach so his days are often 10-12 hours or longer) and coming home to daddy duties. We're generally very considerate of each other, but with a tiny baby making so many demands on us and requiring so much of our patience, we had little left over to give each other. Like you said, it was never anything major, but it was jarring to go from harmony to snapping at each other.

We're kind of going through that now, while I'm pregnant with our second. Pregnancy is incredibly difficult for me (for whatever reason, my body just does not take well to growing babies), and with him coaching and having games all the time, there have been many times lately when I resent how often I am alone with our daughter (especially since I work full time too). Not to mention we have a lot to do before this baby is born, and my husband is a procrastinator. So then I'm frustrated that he's not getting things done when they need to be done, and he's frustrated he has no time, and I'm trying not to nag but then every time he does do something fun (play cards with friends or something) I have to bite my tongue about how our daughter's big girl room is still not done and we have 5 weeks till her baby sister is going to need that crib...

So I guess what I'm saying is- this is normal. In my experience no one really talks about it because no one wants to feel people are judging them as a failure. Hang in there, it sounds like the two of you have a solid foundation, and it will get better with time :-)

[wanderwoman]

@Happy- I hope your brother is hanging in there. I will keep him in my thoughts. When I was young, I trained with Park's Service search and rescue. A guy got hit by lightning in ng at the Grand Canyon and I was amazed that a human could survive it. They can, though. I hope he's getting good care.

@Ramble. Yes. I was trying to ask about sex in language acceptable to the prayer closet. Lol. I completely relate to feeling "touched out". DH was trying to be cute and playful by giving me a massage and I had such a bad reaction when I realized he had a different end game in mind. After reading everyone's comments and advise, I asked Maisie's speech therapist to hang with Maisie while we went for a walk. I decided to capitalize on our "talking stick" tradition (he who holds it gets five minutes if uninterrupted speech) and laid out how I appreciated everything he was doing and I missed some of our interactions, but that I am always exhausted and feel like my body isn't my own. He was, of course, receptive and understood. He has been concerned that I have not laughed as much as I used to and was being, to his eyes, isolating myself from our social circle. I hadn't noticed I had. But, yes right. I think i got used to being solitary during the months in the NICU and every time a friend stops by, we have to relive everything (including losing our son) and I just can't. Even if they already know what we've been through, each person wants me to recap it personally and each time I do, it leaves me deflated. He thinks we should send a letter out and just tell people I need time. We talked about my lack of libido and he was sweet enough to say that it wasn't just sex he missed - it was our intimacy. We're going to try date night.

I also think I need ti be evaluated for PPD or PTSD. In the NICU, they were good about taking care of our mental needs and since returning home, I haven't seen anyone or talked to anyone. I think I need to consider meds or therapy just to get me through this tough spot. Thank you for being my sounding board. Hugs!

I'm dying to know how the slumber party went.

[Happyfatchick]

The brother (Dale) is all right. He is alert and snarky, so I feel good about him! He's still at hospital, they probably will be there overnight. They have run every test known to man on his heart since the voltage passed through his chest, and they say it's all good. He does have a quite nasty rotator cuff tear that will require surgery but not today. Thank you all so much for the warm wishes and prayers. Y'all are the best!

[wanderwoman]

WanderWoman, my heart goes out to you. The changes in a relationship can be rough. I think it took me 3-4 months after my daughter was born before I was able to be physically intimate with my husband. I didn't bounce back from pregnancy...

So I guess what I'm saying is- this is normal. In my experience no one really talks about it because no one wants to feel people are judging them as a failure. :-)

This! So much, THIS! I asked my aunt-in-law, one of my only living relatives about my feelings and she blew it off and said, "Don't let yourself get all mopey...Suck it up. You've already gone through the hard part." And, she said, "he (Dh) doesn't deserve another medical bill when y'all have Maisie's bills." It made me feel really self conscious since, yes, I know we've been through the hard parts, but I put so much emotion on the back burner because I was trying to keep my head above water. Now, I have to deal with it. You would think society would be getting less judgemental about mental health.

[Absolom]

Take care of yourself.  You'll be of no use to Maisie or DH if you don't.  It may take only a little help to improve the situation.  It isn't likely to result in a crippling medical bill.  

[NEGirl]

HappyFatChick - Prayers for your brother, you, and your family.

[Julia]

I asked my aunt-in-law, one of my only living relatives about my feelings and she blew it off and said, "Don't let yourself get all mopey...Suck it up. You've already gone through the hard part." And, she said, "he (Dh) doesn't deserve another medical bill when y'all have Maisie's bills."

The kindest thing I can say about that is that I'm sure she thought she meant well.

Of course, it's pernicious nonsense. You, your husband and your child deserve far more than for you to add the additional struggle of an untreated chemical imbalance to all the things you have to cope with. And bluntly, anyone who would tell you otherwise is at best a fool.

Edited May 30, 2015 by Julia

[Jenniferbug]

I cannot emphasize this enough: there is NOTHING wrong with seeking help. It takes more strength to seek help than it does to continue on in silence.

[Happyfatchick]

This! So much, THIS! You would think society would be getting less judgemental about mental health.

.

...and I think as a generalization, we ARE getting better about mental health issues. But not the older set so much. That was the thing they ALWAYS tossed around: SUCK IT UP. (Followed usually by, "why, when I was your age..."). How old is she?

You mentioned in a earlier post about PTSD, and seeing someone. Don't just self diagnose, DO IT. Find someone who can help you deal and GO there.

[GEML]

I think we are better about mental health, but I do think we expect cures, and the sooner the better. We don't do well as a society when things take time.

[lookeyloo]

Happy, I hope your brother is doing well.  Sending positive vibes across the inter webs.

[Sew Sumi]

This! So much, THIS! I asked my aunt-in-law, one of my only living relatives about my feelings and she blew it off and said, "Don't let yourself get all mopey...Suck it up. You've already gone through the hard part." And, she said, "he (Dh) doesn't deserve another medical bill when y'all have Maisie's bills." It made me feel really self conscious since, yes, I know we've been through the hard parts, but I put so much emotion on the back burner because I was trying to keep my head above water. Now, I have to deal with it. You would think society would be getting less judgemental about mental health.

Suck it up? Really? I think the group here has far more empathy for your situation than your own relatives! Frankly, if someone said that to me, I might have punched them in the face. 

 

Wanderwoman, get whatever help you feel you need, and do NOT feel guilty about it. You are walking through a journey that is yours alone. Not even your husband can say he's been on the exact same path, given his work schedule and whatnot. You have done the heavy lifting with Maisie, and if the downside is lack of sex for a while, well, you only have so much to give, and relationships will survive. 

 

I know I don't post much here, but I try to read everyone's posts. <3 to you all 

[Jellybeans]

This! So much, THIS! I asked my aunt-in-law, one of my only living relatives about my feelings and she blew it off and said, "Don't let yourself get all mopey...Suck it up. You've already gone through the hard part." And, she said, "he (Dh) doesn't deserve another medical bill when y'all have Maisie's bills." It made me feel really self conscious since, yes, I know we've been through the hard parts, but I put so much emotion on the back burner because I was trying to keep my head above water. Now, I have to deal with it. You would think society would be getting less judgemental about mental health.

It is also very easy for people to focus on Maisie, not realizing you lost a son too. He is the unspoken one in the room but not to you. I know you grieve for him and celebrate Maisie too. It has to be confusing.

I did not want ANYONE touching me after I had each of my kids... My skin was so sore from being touched. I said sorry, my boobs are mine. And I nursed 18 months so... lol.

Edited May 30, 2015 by Jellybeans

[Love2dance]

Happyfatchick, so glad to hear your brother is doing well. Thank you for giving us the good news update.

Wanderwoman, it is good to see you being so proactive....taking a nice walk and talk with hubby, open to getting help with "blues" or PPD, asking and accepting help from others. You are on your way to feeling better already. And yeah, we all knew you were talking about resuming intimacy with Hubby. Been there, done that. It will get better!

[wanderwoman]

.

...and I think as a generalization, we ARE getting better about mental health issues. But not the older set so much. That was the thing they ALWAYS tossed around: SUCK IT UP. (Followed usually by, "why, when I was your age..."). How old is she?

You mentioned in a earlier post about PTSD, and seeing someone. Don't just self diagnose, DO IT. Find someone who can help you deal and GO there.

She's in her late, late fifties or early sixties. His whole family go for stoicism over affection or drama. I was sort of angry because when I said something about PTSD, she said, "if everyone who ever lost a child claimed they had ptsd, No one would get anything done". She genuinely thinks she's helping. I will try to get an appointment for after Maisie's next town appointment.

[AmandaPanda]

She's in her late, late fifties or early sixties. His whole family go for stoicism over affection or drama. I was sort of angry because when I said something about PTSD, she said, "if everyone who ever lost a child claimed they had ptsd, No one would get anything done". She genuinely thinks she's helping. I will try to get an appointment for after Maisie's next town appointment.

 

I was diagnosed with type 2 bipolar disorder in high school. People love to think they're being helpful with those comments, but they're not. I had a horrible bout of depression right after graduating college. I had 2 aunts who told me that I just needed to snap out of it and quit my whining. When my now-husband had a really bad anxiety attack that actually landed him in a psych hospital for a couple weeks, my in-laws asked me if I thought that he thought it was okay to behave that way because he lived with me through "all my ups and downs." When I wouldn't be up to going out with friends because I was too depressed to get off the couch, I had friends who told me to call them when I got over my pity party. I find that younger people are supportive of people with mental health problems in theory, but when it comes to someone they know, a lot of them will still jump ship. Hang in there and get whatever help you need, wanderwoman. Unfortunately, depression doesn't all just go away on its own. There's nothing wrong with needing a little extra help.

[Julia]

She's in her late, late fifties or early sixties. His whole family go for stoicism over affection or drama. I was sort of angry because when I said something about PTSD, she said, "if everyone who ever lost a child claimed they had ptsd, No one would get anything done". She genuinely thinks she's helping. I will try to get an appointment for after Maisie's next town appointment.

Do you read The Bloggess? She addresses a lot of these issues, and she can also be very funny. You might want to give her a shot.

Edited May 30, 2015 by Julia

[Readalot]

Years before DD1 was born I miscarried twins in the second trimester. One died 1.5 weeks before the other. I had to get help with a psychologist to help me deal with their deaths. And then later when I was pregnant with DD1 I was so scared of miscarriage again I thought I wanted to get an abortion at times. Luckily my Dr did phone visits during that pregnancy. Then after her birth I had adjustment issues and again I was helped by my dr. I am so so grateful for those visits! (PS many told me through these times - Why aren't you happy! You always wanted to be pregnant and have a baby and this is the way you are acting? Ugh!)

[Happyfatchick]

Oh Wander, another thing you said earlier was that it just deflates you when people keep bringing up Maisies brother, and you keep having to relive it. The thing is (not that this will help you any), people who want to be helpful (and these ones truly DO want to help) read all the time (I know I do) that people are offended that no one talks about a death. Particularly the death of a child. I know I'm always, always conscious of that, and try to give the mother an opportunity to share about their child if they want.

Having said that, my son and wife lost a full term baby after 4 days of suffering 10 years ago. His wife NEVER talks about that. When she does, I listen, but she usually never brings it up. We have to take the lead from the person with the loss, and we rarely do. I'm so sorry. You must feel like you're in a battlefield all the time. What a roller coaster!

Here's what I say to that, and I hope this gets easier for you over time. You know (I hope) that they mean to be kind and are trying to allow you the space to talk about it if you want. When you don't "want", look at them kindly and say, "you know what? Let's not go there right now. It wears me out, and I'd rather just not if its ok."

And if they really really were trying to give you a forum to talk (hee!) they will respect that and move on. In fact, truthfully, they're probably relieved you don't feel like covering that for them.

Maybe. But maybe that's all stupid anyway, and you can just disregard if so.

Also, I thought it was really sweet how everyone rallied around you today. Everything everyone said was so sincere and sweet! ramble and jenniferbug, I thought you were both so insightful and I wish you'd been around when I was having babies!!! We love you and that bitty girl, can you tell?

I love it that in the middle of snark and smack downs, we have this thread where we can sit and just talk. Don't even have to be particularly knowledgeable in here, just willing to be here. I made Jellybeans a virtual cream cheese pound cake the other day. Would anyone like some?

Edited May 30, 2015 by Happyfatchick

[Jellybeans]

Well happy, there isn't any left....

[P2C2E]

I'm a little late, but I thought I'd share as well. My cousin had multiple transplants from age 2-7 when he passed away. My aunt said that having a sick child causes a lot of marriages to break up, especially if there are long term hospital stays. She and my uncle are still together but they had some very difficult times. She said that they grieved differently and that it was hard to connect.

My partner of 7 years has just recently started getting help for anxiety. There is nothing wrong with getting help to be the you that you know you can be. We treat physical ailments with medicine, of course we should treat mental health issues! Even if it feels like the mental health equivalent of a stuffy nose.

Last, but not least, I'm glad you were able to share honestly with your DH. I've learned in my partnership that it's always best to be forthright with any issues, even intimate ones. Sometimes we ascribe thoughts and feelings to our partners that they don't share.

I also recommend finding ways to be intimate, without the pressure of sex. Perhaps taking a shower together, or cuddling, or just having a date night. The important thing is to be able to have a conversation about what you want, he wants, and how you can both adjust. And then remembering to touch base again as things change.

[dillpickles]

You know, I am not truly familiar with Vocaloid stuff. I do see a lot of Vocaloid cosplay at my town's Japan Festival every year though. I had not heard a lot of Gackt stuff, but what I have heard, I liked. Oh, and I totally forgot to mention Exist Trace, Yoko Kanno and Ishii Yasushi. I love Exist Trace, and the fact that it's an all female goth/visual kei group makes me happy. But dear God, I have it bad for Atsushi Sakurai. I have seen a few Buck Tick videos and to kind of quote Ginger Minj from RuPaul's Drag Race, Sakurai-san floods my basement. Funny thing is, he is not the kind of man I am usually attracted to, but his voice....Lord his voice!

I just finished watching Ergo Proxy and Durararax2 part 1 on Hulu and rewatched a lot of Darker than Black and Black Lagoon. Hulu rocks for anime, they have a pretty good library of the stuff. I have watched Hellsing: Ultimate three times! This sounds strange, but I hate horror movies and vampire films. Truly dislike the stuff. Twilight and all that crap, don't give it a moment's notice. But Hellsing and Blood+ and Trinity Blood? I love them. Go figure. :)

Have you heard of an anime called Mushi Shi? I think it goes down as a favorite. Right next to revolutionary girl utena.

[Wellfleet]

Oh Wander, another thing you said earlier was that it just deflates you when people keep bringing up Maisies brother, and you keep having to relive it. The thing is (not that this will help you any), people who want to be helpful (and these ones truly DO want to help) read all the time (I know I do) that people are offended that no one talks about a death. Particularly the death of a child. I know I'm always, always conscious of that, and try to give the mother an opportunity to share about their child if they want.

Having said that, my son and wife lost a full term baby after 4 days of suffering 10 years ago. His wife NEVER talks about that. When she does, I listen, but she usually never brings it up. We have to take the lead from the person with the loss, and we rarely do. I'm so sorry. You must feel like you're in a battlefield all the time. What a roller coaster!

Here's what I say to that, and I hope this gets easier for you over time. You know (I hope) that they mean to be kind and are trying to allow you the space to talk about it if you want. When you don't "want", look at them kindly and say, "you know what? Let's not go there right now. It wears me out, and I'd rather just not if its ok."

And if they really really were trying to give you a forum to talk (hee!) they will respect that and move on. In fact, truthfully, they're probably relieved you don't feel like covering that for them.

Maybe. But maybe that's all stupid anyway, and you can just disregard if so.

Also, I thought it was really sweet how everyone rallied around you today. Everything everyone said was so sincere and sweet! ramble and jenniferbug, I thought you were both so insightful and I wish you'd been around when I was having babies!!! We love you and that bitty girl, can you tell?

I love it that in the middle of snark and smack downs, we have this thread where we can sit and just talk. Don't even have to be particularly knowledgeable in here, just willing to be here. I made Jellybeans a virtual cream cheese pound cake the other day. Would anyone like some?

 

Yes, please - and a little drizzle of hot fudge sauce? Oooh, yum. It's DEE-LISH-ISS. Pronounce it as the groom's mother did when she first tasted ouzo in My Big Fat Greek Wedding...

[GeeGolly]

I also think I need ti be evaluated for PPD or PTSD. In the NICU, they were good about taking care of our mental needs and since returning home, I haven't seen anyone or talked to anyone. I think I need to consider meds or therapy just to get me through this tough spot. Thank you for being my sounding board.

Pregnancy and new parenthood is hard enough under the best circumstances. Complications, heartache, and unknowns, make it that much more difficult. Please be kind to yourself as you adjust, just as you would be kind to a friend under similar circumstances. Seeking professional help is a great idea, and IMO, the sooner, the better. As they say for plane safety, parents need to put the oxygen mask on themselves first in order to take care of their babies. I wish for you many bright and peaceful moments as your new family adjusts.

[Happyfatchick]

Yes, please - and a little drizzle of hot fudge sauce? Oooh, yum. It's DEE-LISH-ISS. Pronounce it as the groom's mother did when she first tasted ouzo in My Big Fat Greek Wedding...

Well, we ate virtual strawberries and whipped cream with our original cake, but I NEVER turn down chocolate!

Well happy, there isn't any left....

And we'll, Jelly, it's VIRTUAL!!! That means there's virtually always MORE!!! Edited May 31, 2015 by Happyfatchick

[NextIteration]

Please, wanderwoman, if there is any chance that it is PTSD get treatment.  It's awful and hard to treat if it goes chronic, trust. ♥

 

I'm tearing up, watching the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame induction, Bill Withers, he has no idea how much I "leaned on him".

[ramble]

I NEVER turn down chocolate!

That is a life truth I can live by! :)

[Love2dance]

Readalot, so sorry you had to go though that, but glad you had an understanding doctor to help you through your next pregnancy. It is amazing how insensitive some people can be.

[wanderwoman]

Once again, you have all been wonderfully supportive and helpful. I love the analogy that parents have to out on their own mask first (in case of emergencies). That just puts it all in perspective.

We are sitting on the porch, Maise and I. The therapist has gone home for two days. She's amazing. She was saying that, in her professional opinion, Maisie is flourishing. Yay! Right now, I can tell Maisie is hearing things and those things are interesting to her. She is in her swing (all hail the swing!). We managed to use an old popasan chair hook to create a mosquito net tent over her swing. Anyway, whenever someone hikes past or the wind kicks up through the pines, she looks! It's really cool. I've noticed that she's started making responsive sounds like she's aware she has a voice.

I think we'll grab the stroller and go for a walk to see the sun go down. Thanks again for the support.

[P2C2E]

Thanks again for the support.

Always. =)

[Absolom]

 

whenever someone hikes past or the wind kicks up through the pines, she looks! It's really cool. I've noticed that she's started making responsive sounds like she's aware she has a voice.

Wonderful.  That's great to hear that she's hearing sounds that interest her.

[Readalot]

Readalot, so sorry you had to go though that, but glad you had an understanding doctor to help you through your next pregnancy. It is amazing how insensitive some people can be.

thank you. I hope all that need access to competent mental experts can get it. Lifesaver for sure.

[wanderwoman]

thank you. I hope all that need access to competent mental experts can get it. Lifesaver for sure.

Now that I have little Miss down, I wanted to address you personally. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Second trimester loss can be devastating and cause you to question yourself, your body, and hope. It's a cruel reality and, setting aside the grandiose Duggars style funeral, it goes unnoticed. Even though our little guy made it to, technically, a third trimester, the loss was awkward. I grieved so deeply. But, I had to bury it down deep so I could give Maisie h e r best chance. I had to be calm and maintain my sanity. It's very, very difficult. I can't make your pain go away or guarantee time will heal- it hasn't for me- but I can offer you compassion and friendship and an ear.

[Jellybeans]

Compassion, friendship and lending an ear when needed....the best gifts one can give to a mom who has loss a child.

Nicely stated, wanderwoman. (((hugs)))

[Readalot]

Now that I have little Miss down, I wanted to address you personally. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Second trimester loss can be devastating and cause you to question yourself, your body, and hope. It's a cruel reality and, setting aside the grandiose Duggars style funeral, it goes unnoticed. Even though our little guy made it to, technically, a third trimester, the loss was awkward. I grieved so deeply. But, I had to bury it down deep so I could give Maisie h e r best chance. I had to be calm and maintain my sanity. It's very, very difficult. I can't make your pain go away or guarantee time will heal- it hasn't for me- but I can offer you compassion and friendship and an ear.

thank you WW my friend. It wasn't easy that's for sure. My hubby and I married young and wanted to have four kids in our 20's. I had hoped two would be twins interesting enough. The u/s indicated the twin that died first had hydrocephalus, I think the second one died 1.5 weeks later of a broken heart as otherwise it looked healthy. Early 2nd trimester BTW. I found out on St Pats Day and they were due in early August. My niece and God daughter were born around my due date. So when I see their milestones through the years I think of what could have been. It has been easier as time goes on. Hard to believe they would of been 20 this summer! DD1 just turned 17 and DD2 turns 7 next week. Had them at 30 and 40 otherwise I guess you can say our plan of four kids was almost successful. For the ten weeks or so that I knew I was pregnant with the twins it was an insanely happy time even though the morning sickness was crazy itself. I won't pretend to imagine what you and your husband endured during the loss of your son. Words can not express how sorry I am. (((Hugs))). (And thanks you ALL for listening. Through the years I have learned that no one really wants to talk about it when I need to, which is quite infrequently actually. I know they mean well but just because I have two DD to focus on does not wipe out our losses)

[Jenniferbug]

I'm sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you, WanderWoman, and Jellybeans have been through.

Edited May 31, 2015 by Jenniferbug

[fireice13]

Wanderwoman - I'm the type of person who will shove everything aside and deep down to deal with a crisis and then when that crisis is over, everything hits. I obviously only know what you've shared here, but is it possible that now that Maisie's home you're letting yourself (subconsciously) feel everything you didn't or couldn't when she was in the NICU? 

 

You should definitely do whatever you think you need to do to help yourself. I know this phrase can be very cliched, but I think it really is helpful to remember "this too shall pass."

[wanderwoman]

Wanderwoman - I'm the type of person who will shove everything aside and deep down to deal with a crisis and then when that crisis is over, everything hits. I obviously only know what you've shared here, but is it possible that now that Maisie's home you're letting yourself (subconsciously) feel everything you didn't or couldn't when she was in the NICU? 

 

You should definitely do whatever you think you need to do to help yourself. I know this phrase can be very cliched, but I think it really is helpful to remember "this too shall pass."

Dh had the morning off so we talked a bit. I don't think even he understood the depth of how conflicted I've felt since we got home. We have a local therapist who offers PTSD counselling so we're both going to meet up with her in the valley Tuesday.

Maisie and I might hike the meadow tomorrow. When I was pregnant, DH was really looking forward to a late summer overnight hike with the babies. I hadn't really slowed down to consider how his dreams were changed too. I told him I think it's still possible but we may have to carry a radio and an oxygen tank. Lol. Maisie loves being in her stroller and tolerates the pack frame, but she needs more time in it. So, if she and I go out after therapy and stick to the trail between our place and the ranger station, through the meadow, we could get some time in. I usually hike with her in the off road stroller so this will be new for me too. But, that will be a fun goal to work toward.

[Happyfatchick]

I think it's great that you are moving forward with therapy, and it's even better that you are both going. Yay!!

Other news: my brother, who fell off the ladder after taking a jolt of electricity yesterday, is doing fine and griping loudly. He's currently languishing in Grady hospital. Grady is the city hospital, built when the ark struck land and added onto continually. May or may not be marginally better than hell. But they are better at serious trauma than maybe anywhere in the state. He's going to see a sports ortho about his shoulder later in the week. If you've ever had to sit in the hospital over the weekend for observation... Well, you know.

About Dale, he has had several books published thru the CBA; he used to write Christian fiction. He won awards for a couple of them. His newest published book is called Kiss of the Jewel Bird (title wasn't a debate question, obviously - it's about a chicken). It's not a Christian themed book and I love it. I read it many years ago, but he sat on it until he was out from under obligations with the CBA. It's quirky and fun if you want to check it out. If you'd like to know about his CBA books, pm me.

[mynextmistake]

wanderwoman, I am sending you major virtual hugs. You are so right about society not being respectful of mental illness, especially as it surrounds pregnancy. I actually have prenatal depression (I'm at 29 weeks now and was diagnosed at 10 weeks), which got bad enough it needed to be treated with medication. It's not uncommon... current estimates are that 15% of women get it. But people are *so* judgmental, especially if they find out I have to take meds. I've been accused of not wanting or loving my baby, jeopardizing her health for my convenience, etc. Or they ask why can't I just snap out of it and be happy?

What I've learned, and what I wanted to say, is that you have to do what's best for you and your family. Other people will always have their opinions, but they don't live in your head. You are the best judge of what's best for you. You've been through a serious ordeal, both physically and emotionally! If you need professional help and support, then that's what you need. Nobody has the right to shame you or make you feel bad for that. You, your baby and your husband will all be best served if you are at your full health. So take care of yourself, and tell the naysayers to mind their own business.

Blessings for you and your family!

[Happyfatchick]

I have this birdhouse theme going on In my front flower bed. But there one birdhouse who's made the transition from dwelling to dwelling with me...I wanted something to grow OVER him, I could "see" it in my head. I tried all sorts of varieties of flowers - jasmine was semi successful. Last year I did bougainvillea, and it "sort of" worked, but the plants were I pots next to the house and didn't quite do what I wanted. This year, I did bouganvilla again, but in the ground. ,when the stems were still short, I trained them to stick to the post. After that, I let it go, just to "see". The effect is stunning. Absolutely just peaceful in an old lady garden sort of way. I would SOOOO love to post a pic if you guys wouldn't roll your eyes and throw up in your mouth a little. I'm so proud of my little birdhouse artwork. Would you like to see? I will NOT be offended if you don't care to. It's going to bring me joy every day whether you care to see it or not, I just thought you might enjoy it too!

Edited June 1, 2015 by Happyfatchick

[Jynnan tonnix]

On donating blood; I wish I could, since I've had two or three pretty hefty transfusions over the years and would like to feel as though I could give back, but since we were stationed in Scotland for a couple of years and were not vegetarian, none of us in the family are eligible (due to concerns about mad cow disease). Even my youngest son who was born over there and was way too young to have eaten meat himself before we moved back (he was 4 months old) is ineligible as I had breast-fed him.

 

I am listed as an organ donor, but now that I think about it, I suppose those same concerns would probably prohibit my donating most organs.

[Happyfatchick]

Having said that, I'm not sure I know how. Maybe.