S05.E16: Tell All Part 1

[Neurochick]

6 minutes ago, Back Atcha said:

I believe Sentence #1 is correct and you're trying to fool us with Sentence #2.

I can't believe anybody watches it either, but apparently someone does or else it would not be on season 2.  

[Kath94]

1 hour ago, mamadrama said:

Coltee: I sent the dick picks because that's what I do for my friends...

Suddenly the fact that he lives alone with his BFF, his Ma, makes sense. 

He said that women send him unsolicited nudes, so he "returns the favor."  Yeah, Colt, I don't think you're doing ANYONE any favors.  And you can't be bragging.  Ugh.  Why am I not surprised that Angela wanted to see his peen?

[RealReality]

4 hours ago, Colfrmb said:

I blame a lot of the Americans in these relationships for hooking up with foreigners who clearly have different values and expectations.  
What if Kalani was running to volleyball 6 days a week and giving dance lessons in her other spare time and she insisted that Asuelu babysit for 3-4 hours a day?  A 3-4 hour break even a couple of days a week doesn’t sound unreasonable.  What if she decided she needed to go to Pilates every other day and work with a trainer?  She’s young, she could get into really great shape.  Ps, with proper timing, she could teach the boys to wait for a boob snack rather than nursing them whenever they feel like it.  Once they understand instructions, they can learn to wait or grab a nutritious solid food treat.  Plus I call bullshit on milk going bad in a house with 3 growing “boys”.  I imagine that they go through gallons of milk too quickly for it to spoil and maybe check the temperature in your refrigerator.

 

I would 100% call out Kalani if she was working with a Pilates trainer for 3-4 hours a day or every other day.  And to me, that would also be different, because one could ostensibly be trained from a decent distance and the trainer could probably wear a mask if she just demo'd moves.  None of this is the same as someone going to play volleyball, a high intensity sport and therefore with higher risk with the harder breathing bringing in and pushing out more air particles.  And doing this high intensity activity in close proximity to other people, without a mask.  

If Kalani went to a pilates class for three to four hours, that would be an unnecessary risk, particularly with a high risk parent in the household and two young children.  I understand that the mortality rate for children is low, but why even take the risk, particularly when not everything is known about the potential for long term, residual effects?

I don't think the milk ever went bad in Kalani's house....I think Asuelu just kept insisting it would if she opened it.  And Kalani's failure to adhere to his instructions on milk bottle opening, somehow justified him putting his entire family at risk.  

[RealReality]

3 hours ago, magemaud said:

Have you seen Maggie Gyllenhaal on The Deuce? She plays a prostitute and has the breasts of an 80 year old woman. 

Uh oh, I'm already flagged every time I fly because a few years ago I innocently tried to bring in a salami I bought in Switzerland. I bought it at the Duty Free and declared it, so I had no idea I was doing something illegal. It's on my Permanent Record. 

Did you try hiding the salami?

[1011101010001]

34 minutes ago, RealReality said:

Did you try hiding the salami?

Hopefully not like a drug mule.

[1011101010001]

1 hour ago, RealReality said:

None of this is the same as someone going to play volleyball, a high intensity sport and therefore with higher risk with the harder breathing bringing in and pushing out more air particles.  And doing this high intensity activity in close proximity to other people, without a mask.  

https://chicago.cbslocal.com/2020/09/29/at-least-14-covid-19-cases-linked-to-volleyball-leagues-in-gages-lake/

[Granny58]

5 hours ago, Colfrmb said:

posting YouTube videos of herself eating and getting bigger by the minute?

if this is a career move, count me in!!!!  Not even pregnant but I got mad skillz. 

[Granny58]

2 hours ago, MrBuhBye said:

Could not verify any milk sniffing superstition in Samoa with my Google finger, so it sounds like there was some miscommunication or it is limited to Asuelu’s immediate family.  

my friend cannot eat anything if somebody has smelled it.  visions of things dropping out of noses.  Maybe that's what this is. 

[Colfrmb]

@RealReality, I agree with you about Kalani and what she should or shouldn’t do. My point goes beyond Covid. Asuelu thinks his time is his own but her time belongs to the family and not to her.  Even if she got to walk around the neighborhood listening to music, it would be refreshing 

[1011101010001]

50 minutes ago, Granny58 said:

my friend cannot eat anything if somebody has smelled it.  visions of things dropping out of noses.  Maybe that's what this is. 

Kids used to say when you smell something it condenses on your tongue, which led to uproarious laughter re certain odors.

[Hotel Snarker]

My thoughts on Part 1 of the Tell All:

 

Family Libby sucks.

 

Coltee Creepee, Debbieee, Jess, Larissa-ee and Ericee: I think all these people are crazy. But if I had to pick, I’d tend to side with Larissa and Jess, even though I think they could carry themselves better (and Larissa has no morals!) I think Jess is kinda funny when she starts talking & getting mad at Colt & Debbie.
 

I can’t stand Colt at all. Colt is a narcissist and I can’t stand that kind of behavior more than anything. His weird Norman Bates relationship between him and Debbie and his saying “sweetheart” made me sick.

 

Kalani and Asuelu: Asuelu is so immature. He needs direction for his life. I was hoping Kalani's dad would get him a job where he works. Driving trucks. He needs to do something besides playing volleyball.

I don’t know what she sees in him, he is not even attractive. He should go back to Samoa with his money hungry mother (who has no right to call herself a grandmother) and his resting bitch faced sister. 

I also think Kalani’s family want to protect their daughter and their grandchildren as well they should. She got knocked up stupidly and then married this buffoon and she's stuck with his nutty family. She needs all the help she can get. She needs her family to advocate for her.  If she didn’t have the support from her family, he would take advantage of the situation.  

[Kath94]

25 minutes ago, Hotel Snarker said:

<snip>

Kalani and Asuelu: Asuelu is so immature. He needs direction for his life. I was hoping Kalani's dad would get him a job where he works. Driving trucks. He needs to do something besides playing volleyball.

I don’t know what she sees in him, he is not even attractive. He should go back to Samoa with his money hungry mother (who has no right to call herself a grandmother) and his resting bitch faced sister. 

I also think Kalani’s family want to protect their daughter and their grandchildren as well they should. She got knocked up stupidly and then married this buffoon and she's stuck with his nutty family. She needs all the help she can get. She needs her family to advocate for her.  If she didn’t have the support from her family, he would take advantage of the situation.  

I agree.  I wish Kalani's father would take him under his wing & maybe show him not just that things are different in the U.S., but why they're different, and teach him how to fit in.  Asuelu needs a mentor.  But maybe he's tried & Asuelu just isn't interested.  You KNOW we only get the story that Sharp & TLC want to show us. 😞

[CrazyInAlabama]

Asuelu agrees his mother and family are awful, and the money needs to go to his wife and sons.   Then he caves the second his family challenges him.    He will never act like an adult, and his behavior during Covid shows that.     Kalani never should have let him come back from the trip to his Mother, but should have booked a one way connecting flight to Samoa. 

[magemaud]

6 hours ago, Neurochick said:

I can't believe anybody watches it either, but apparently someone does or else it would not be on season 2.

They also brought back S'Mothered, but I don't know anybody who confesses to watching that! 

5 hours ago, RealReality said:

Did you try hiding the salami?

That damn contraband meat sniffing beagle narked on me

Edited September 30, 2020 by magemaud

[magemaud]

23 minutes ago, Kath94 said:

I wish Kalani's father would take him under his wing & maybe show him not just that things are different in the U.S., but why they're different, and teach him how to fit in.  Asuelu needs a mentor.

I'm not sure how good a mentor Low would be. I remember when he was lecturing Asuelu about his treatment of Kalani he used colloquial phrases and terms that went right over poor Asuelu's Easter Island head. At one point Low said, "You're a day late and a dollar short..." (I'M not even sure what that means) and Asuelu just stood there nodding stupidly in agreement. Maybe he'd get through better if they spoke in Samoan. 

20 minutes ago, CrazyInAlabama said:

Kalani never should have let him come back from the trip to his Mother,

She had purchased him a one way ticket to Seattle but then I think she said he just showed up in Utah, unannounced. 

[John M]

4 hours ago, MrBuhBye said:

Could not verify any milk sniffing superstition in Samoa with my Google finger, so it sounds like there was some miscommunication or it is limited to Asuelu’s immediate family.  

One of my favorite random anecdotes that might sound a little bit racist if it wasn't 100% completely true.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fan_death

It is popular belief that electric fans being left running is a significant cause of death in South Korea, like is the official government position that a fan being left on in a room can kill you. Despite this this being a problem in literally no country on earth besides South Korea and Japan, probably billions of fans shipped worldwide. If this was an issue it would have come to the attention to some other country by now but the myth still persists in South Korea.

[RealReality]

1 hour ago, Colfrmb said:

@RealReality, I agree with you about Kalani and what she should or shouldn’t do. My point goes beyond Covid. Asuelu thinks his time is his own but her time belongs to the family and not to her.  Even if she got to walk around the neighborhood listening to music, it would be refreshing 

sorry, sometimes I skim.  My bad.  I DO think Kalani needs a break.  As you said, he doesn't really think she should have any discretionary time.  She is holding on for dear life, but I think her life would be so much better if she just let him go and either moved in with Kolini or her parents.  

I think that would help her save money on housing, and she could work and afford childcare for her kids.  If she doesn't want to work, I would be a million dollars that Lo would give her a monthly stipend and help support her.  When coronavirus is finally done, she could get a little gig job to help with the rent and bills.  Or maybe some sort of data entry position.  I don't know.  She could possibly work for Lo, doing computer work, she seems intelligent.  

But, I really think Kolini would be more of a help than Asuelu is.  

[Kath94]

7 minutes ago, John M said:

One of my favorite random anecdotes that might sound a little bit racist if it wasn't 100% completely true.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fan_death

It is popular belief that electric fans being left running is a significant cause of death in South Korea, like is the official government position that a fan being left on in a room can kill you. Despite this this being a problem in literally no country on earth besides South Korea and Japan, probably billions of fans shipped worldwide. If this was an issue it would have come to the attention to some other country by now but the myth still persists in South Korea.

Oh!  An urban legend.  Like the one that says you can't get pregnant if you're nursing?!?  When will that one die?

[CrazyInAlabama]

I wonder if Asuelu would even care, or change anything if one of the kids or his mother in law caught Covid?   My guess is he would stand there looking confused, and then go right back to volleyball.  

My TSA story is I was flying out to see some friends.   It's a one gate airport for commercial, and it's used by the entire region, and business travel for people from where I used to work.    My shoes set the gate sensor off (I swear I didn't know they had metal in the soles).   The lady gave me the choice of a separate room, or wanded and pat down in the clear booth by the gate.  I opted for the booth right there, to get all of it over faster.     I swear almost everyone on the flight out that morning was someone I knew from work.    They kept doing double takes, a lot of elbowing each other and pointing.   Some looked away quickly, I guess they didn't want anyone to know they knew me.    I decided to just go with it, so I did some little waves at some of them.   The TSA lady asked me if I knew everyone on the plane, and actually I knew well over half of them.         They had a lot of fun teasing me after I finished in the booth, and they proved I wasn't a terrorist.  

Edited October 1, 2020 by CrazyInAlabama

[kirklandia]

On 9/28/2020 at 4:27 PM, MrBuhBye said:

https://www.villagevoice.com/2012/12/18/bears-vs-otters-vs-wolves-heres-the-rundown/

At the end of the article:

"As long as we’re indulging in gay nature lingo, though, I wonder what a Wolverine is."

Apparently, Colt knows...

[kirklandia]

Volleyball/Covid.  The danger is real...

 

[Zanne]

2 hours ago, magemaud said:

That damn contraband meat sniffing beagle narked on me

I got pulled to the side in a separate room for a full bag search because I did NOT buy olives from an olive farm. Who knew olive buying was a requirement to get through customs? TSA is in the olive farm pocket.

[magemaud]

14 minutes ago, Zanne said:

I got pulled to the side in a separate room for a full bag search

For a minute I thought you had a full BODY search! I got a very stern lecture by a really nasty Customs agent about how I could singlehandedly introduce “Mad Cow Disease” into the country. 

[RealReality]

2 hours ago, CrazyInAlabama said:

I wonder if Asuelu would even care, or change anything if one of the kids or his mother in law caught Covid?   My guess is he would stand there looking confused, and then go right back to volleyball.  

I guarantee that Asuelu would whine that the kids or his MIL got it when they went grocery shopping and deny any accountability or responsibility.  

[1011101010001]

33 minutes ago, magemaud said:

For a minute I thought you had a full BODY search! I got a very stern lecture by a really nasty Customs agent about how I could singlehandedly introduce “Mad Cow Disease” into the country. 

Or inflict salami breath on your seatmate.

[Zanne]

1 hour ago, magemaud said:

For a minute I thought you had a full BODY search! I got a very stern lecture by a really nasty Customs agent about how I could singlehandedly introduce “Mad Cow Disease” into the country. 

With your salami and my olives, we've got a nice charcuterie plate started. Any illegal cheese wheels in the house?

 

This tell-all would have been more palatable with a charcuterie tray. Bonus, Libby's family's mouths might have been too full to talk.

 

[Back Atcha]

6 hours ago, magemaud said:

She had purchased him a one way ticket to Seattle but then I think she said he just showed up in Utah, unannounced. 

Maybe Tammy threatened to beat him up, so their mom found some money somewhere and bought him a return ticket.

[Back Atcha]

6 hours ago, magemaud said:

They also brought back S'Mothered, but I don't know anybody who confesses to watching that! 

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.   I did watch S'Mothered...but fast-forwarded through most of the "couples."  Some of them are super-creepy.

 

Edited September 30, 2020 by Back Atcha

[magemaud]

2 hours ago, Zanne said:

This tell-all would have been more palatable with a charcuterie tray. Bonus, Libby's family's mouths might have been too full to talk

I'm not sharing our fabulous charcuterie tray with the likes of the Family Libby! It would be wasted on them and they'd probably call it peasant food.  After all, their idea of haute cuisine is Mickey D's. 

[mamadrama]

22 minutes ago, magemaud said:

I'm not sharing our fabulous charcuterie tray with the likes of the Family Libby! It would be wasted on them and they'd probably call it peasant food.  After all, their idea of haute cuisine is Mickey D's. 

Just lay a lunchable out on a cutting board. They won't know the difference.

[AZChristian]

12 hours ago, magemaud said:

I'm not sure how good a mentor Low would be.

Ring . . . ring . . . ring.

"Hello, Dr. Phil?  Can you give us Coach Mike's phone number?  We have a new client for him."

[lilysmom]

19 hours ago, magemaud said:

With friends like him...

but that actually makes about as much sense as him sending them to people to show “affection.” What the Hell does that mean? 

At one point I thought Coltee said "that's how I get affection" and I wondered if he really meant ATTENTION? He does seem to be a person who needs constant attention. 

[1011101010001]

I wonder if Chuck and Charlie dislike pig fat because they have so much already 🐷

[RoxiP]

14 hours ago, RealReality said:

sorry, sometimes I skim.  My bad.  I DO think Kalani needs a break.  As you said, he doesn't really think she should have any discretionary time.  She is holding on for dear life, but I think her life would be so much better if she just let him go and either moved in with Kolini or her parents.  

I think that would help her save money on housing, and she could work and afford childcare for her kids.  If she doesn't want to work, I would be a million dollars that Lo would give her a monthly stipend and help support her.  When coronavirus is finally done, she could get a little gig job to help with the rent and bills.  Or maybe some sort of data entry position.  I don't know.  She could possibly work for Lo, doing computer work, she seems intelligent.  

But, I really think Kolini would be more of a help than Asuelu is.  

Doesn't she already live with her parents?

[Boo Boo]

Coltee looked great!  If he gets his moobs fixed, and gets in really good shape, dare I say he's attractive?

Larissa looks like shit.  The surgeries just made her look like Madame Puppet blow up doll.  I guess she's getting paid now that she's putting it all out there on CamSoda, but I'm questioning the men that find this look attractive.

[1011101010001]

11 minutes ago, Boo Boo said:

Coltee looked great!  If he gets his moobs fixed, and gets in really good shape, dare I say he's attractive?

Larissa looks like shit.  The surgeries just made her look like Madame Puppet blow up doll.  I guess she's getting paid now that she's putting it all out there on CamSoda, but I'm questioning the men that find this look attractive.

You should check out cam model Lacey on Love After Lockup.

[Opine]

Colt the dolt.  I can't even with him.  Colt with the moobs and the pigeon-toed flat feet and the big ass and the pasty white skin.......ugggghhh.  Tthat guy is disturbing.  He is so out of touch with reality.  Sorry, dude.  No one wants your pics.  No one gets hot for your pics.  Most women aren't really turned on by those types of pics unless they are from someone that they actively love.  We'd rather see a ripped 6 pack with a little oil, am I right???  I am bothered that he is so far out of touch with reality that he thinks he is desirable to anyone.  I am beginning to wonder if this isn't going to end up at a criminal level............

[Colfrmb]

Giving props to Shawn for looking beautiful and sexy without having half her body exposed - and being able to convey a message without lacing it with bad grammar, swear words or screeching.  Take a lesson here, Darcy, Jess, Larissa, Tania, Kalani, Angela, etc.  

[StatisticalOutlier]

1 hour ago, Boo Boo said:

Coltee looked great!  If he gets his moobs fixed, and gets in really good shape, dare I say he's attractive?

Not unless he does something about how he moves his eyebrows.

[Boo Boo]

On 9/28/2020 at 11:55 AM, Racj82 said:

Not true at all regarding Larissa. Milf/cougar/stepmom porn are among the biggest genres in porn. Being older in porn right now prevents nothing.

And cam stuff. You could make more with having to do way little. Some of the stuff I've heard cam girls do can be odd at times but not hard. Perfect for her lazy ass. You need to put real work in to make money as a stripper.

Agreed, and she's only 33.

Not to mention, there are probably a lot of men, even women, that have watched the show for a long time and just want to see what she looks like naked!

It's probably the smartest career move for her.

Edited September 30, 2020 by Boo Boo

[RealReality]

4 hours ago, RoxiP said:

Doesn't she already live with her parents?

Its her parent's second home. IIRC  They came back to live with her to help, since Asuelu was too busy with his part time yogurt job to help with the children and the household chores.  It sounds like her father moved back to the house in California and left Kalani's mother, but now Kalani's mother is moving out because Asuelu is too risky to be around since he is engaging in high risk activities and she has a pre-existing condition.  

[Kid]

11 hours ago, Boo Boo said:

Larissa looks like shit.  The surgeries just made her look like Madame Puppet blow up doll.  I guess she's getting paid now that she's putting it all out there on CamSoda, but I'm questioning the men that find this look attractive.

I don’t get it.  She was so pretty and had a nice body.  She destroyed what she had.

Edited October 1, 2020 by Kid

[1011101010001]

4 hours ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

Not unless he does something about how he moves his eyebrows.

 

36 minutes ago, Kid said:

They do if they favor blow jobs.  That is the whole point of the bloated lips.

But Coltie and Ericee say her technique is trash.

[Johannah]

I think Larissa's blobs (haha, boobs autocorrected to blobs.  I'm leaving it), anyway, they look painful.  I guess they have to stretch the skin for the implants and since she got them so big, the skin is stretched too far.  It looks painful.  I think Ericee is the only one in that bunch that is coming out of this not looking ridiculous, but that's because he doesn't say anything.

Tanya's boobs:  they are large and she doesn't wear a bra; I would expect them to sag earlier than most.

How Libby's family can watch this and still stay on their high horses is beyond me.  Again, as has been said by a bunch of us, even if this is scripted, why would you want the world to think you are really this rude and tacky?  The role you are playing is yourself!

Angela the Hypocrite:  "I wish I had met Chuck first" and "I wish Colt would send me a dick pic"...  If Michael had made these comments about any of the women, she would be done!  Michael, meanwhile, just laughs.

[mamadrama]

11 hours ago, Boo Boo said:

Coltee looked great!  If he gets his moobs fixed, and gets in really good shape, dare I say he's attractive?

 

I gotta say pretty is as pretty does. 

[mamadrama]

10 hours ago, Opine said:

Colt the dolt.  I can't even with him.  Colt with the moobs and the pigeon-toed flat feet and the big ass and the pasty white skin.......ugggghhh.  Tthat guy is disturbing.  He is so out of touch with reality.  Sorry, dude.  No one wants your pics.  No one gets hot for your pics.  Most women aren't really turned on by those types of pics unless they are from someone that they actively love.  We'd rather see a ripped 6 pack with a little oil, am I right???  I am bothered that he is so far out of touch with reality that he thinks he is desirable to anyone.  I am beginning to wonder if this isn't going to end up at a criminal level............

I love my husband but if he sent me a picture of his dick I'd have to assume it was just a joke. 

I'm trying to figure out what kind of woman is like, "He lives with his Mother Wife, is misogynistic, has larger breasts than me, doesn't work outside of the show, and seems to put love of cats over love of partners, but at least he's got a rocking 3" penis!" (I've seen pictures and video, 3" is being nice.)

[1011101010001]

Looks like the third part will be just an hour on Monday. 

Edited October 1, 2020 by MrBuhBye

[Mrs. Hanson]

10 hours ago, mamadrama said:

I love my husband but if he sent me a picture of his dick I'd have to assume it was just a joke. 

I'm trying to figure out what kind of woman is like, "He lives with his Mother Wife, is misogynistic, has larger breasts than me, doesn't work outside of the show, and seems to put love of cats over love of partners, but at least he's got a rocking 3" penis!" (I've seen pictures and video, 3" is being nice.)

Don't forget condescending.  "What did you love about me sweetheart??"

[mamadrama]

2 hours ago, Mrs. Hanson said:

Don't forget condescending.  "What did you love about me sweetheart??"

I swear that was triggering me. Ugh. 

[Mrs. Hanson]

20 minutes ago, mamadrama said:

I swear that was triggering me. Ugh. 

His voice is so.....creepy.  He thinks it is calm and soothing but it just stalker-ish to me.  I can hear him talking calmly to his girlfriend victim as he ties her up and loads her into his white van to dump her body somewhere.