Faux Life: Things That Happen On TV But Not In Reality

[merylinkid]

just to be clear, not all weird aunts give ugly sweaters at Christmas.

[topanga]

Yeah. Some of us give 5 dollar bills for Christmas

[Shannon L.]

8 hours ago, kiddo82 said:

The ugly sweater thing became this ironic trend a few years ago.  People actually did use to buy these really ostentatious Santa/snowman/reindeer sweaters and years later it became "a thing" to find and wear a particularly tacky one that would make grandma or your weird aunt proud.  Of course now it's cool and they actually make stylish looking "ugly" sweaters which sort of defeats the joke of dong it ironically. 

There were also "ugly Christmas sweater" parties starting to crop up everywhere.  There were usually prizes for the ugliest sweater at some of them.

Edited November 2, 2016 by Shannon L.

[ennui]

On 10/9/2016 at 5:18 PM, Anela said:

They also don't expect child support from ex-boyfriends/ex-husbands. They insist they're going to make it on their own ... that would only make sense in an abusive situation, where the mother was afraid of the ex. 

Just fyi, you can collect child support if your ex is dangerous and abusive. The Child Support agency collects the payment, and issues a check to the recipient. Easy peasy.

[kiddo82]

13 hours ago, Joe said:

Thanks for the explanation! I don't see the appeal, but it's harmless enough.

Yeah, it's not my thing, but like you said, harmless enough.

[ChromaKelly]

People on TV have sex all over the place. I feel boring in comparison.

[ganesh]

And then just put their clothes back on and go to work.

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, ganesh said:

And then just put their clothes back on and go to work.

They never shower. Hopefully they change their undies. 

[ganesh]

Un-whats?

[zxy556575]

TV sex always results in simultaneous climaxes.

[ChromaKelly]

12 hours ago, ganesh said:

And then just put their clothes back on and go to work.

I should bring a blacklight to work and check the desks and conference room table, since that's where people seem to be getting busy.

[topanga]

21 minutes ago, ChromaKelly said:

I should bring a blacklight to work and check the desks and conference room table, since that's where people seem to be getting busy.

Eww. Scary thought. 

 

On TV, children are always annoying or always precious and cute. Never a combination of the two. And they're never just having a bad day. 

[proserpina65]

3 hours ago, ChromaKelly said:

I should bring a blacklight to work and check the desks and conference room table, since that's where people seem to be getting busy.

When I worked at Borders, we had two assistant managers who were fired for having sex on the GM's desk after the store closed for the night.  Had I been the GM, I'd have made the company buy me a new desk.

[zxy556575]

Dear people running from bad guys: Why do you always opt to turn off a busy street into a dead end alley? Is it just so you can try and fail to climb the chain link fence at the end?

Sweet Jerusalem on a bicycle.

[topanga]

2 minutes ago, lordonia said:

Dear people running from bad guys: Why do you always opt to turn off a busy street into a dead end alley? Is it just so you can try and fail to climb the chain link fence at the end?

Sweet Jerusalem on a bicycle.

Any why do you call out, "Hello? Hello"? As if the mugger/rapist/murderer is going to answer you. 

[ChromaKelly]

12 hours ago, lordonia said:

Dear people running from bad guys: Why do you always opt to turn off a busy street into a dead end alley? Is it just so you can try and fail to climb the chain link fence at the end?

Sweet Jerusalem on a bicycle.

There is always the convenient dumpster to roll under so your fate can be unknown for weeks.

[CoderLady]

16 hours ago, lordonia said:

Dear people running from bad guys: Why do you always opt to turn off a busy street into a dead end alley? Is it just so you can try and fail to climb the chain link fence at the end?

Sweet Jerusalem on a bicycle.

That's only when the chase is outdoors. Dear people running from bad guys indoors: why do you always run upstairs? Where do you think that's gonna get you, besides thrown off the roof? Why not dash outside, where you have the options of:

• running into the aforementioned dead end alley
• dashing out into traffic where you promptly get hit by a car and roll dramatically onto the windshield
• stumbling into the waiting arms of a henchman, or
• getting shot in the chest by a sniper

Come on, you have options! Use 'em!

[Bastet]

Quote

Dear people running from bad guys indoors: why do you always run upstairs? Where do you think that's gonna get you, besides thrown off the roof? Why not dash outside

This makes me think of Scream, when Sidney says all horror movies are the same: Some stupid killer stalking some big-breasted girl who can't act who is always running up the stairs when she should be running out the front door.

(And then, of course, because it's Scream, she winds up running up the stairs a few minutes later.)

[zxy556575]

On 11/15/2016 at 4:16 PM, CoderLady said:

dashing out into traffic where you promptly get hit by a car and roll dramatically onto the windshield

There are only two options when getting hit by a TV car: roll easily through it and pop right up again or fall down and die. If the victim is dead, blood will be trickling out of his or her mouth.

Edited November 20, 2016 by lordonia

[Shannon L.]

Only on tv can someone who has never ridden a horse, hop on and comfortably start trotting or cantering and, by the end of the show, galloping.

[ABay]

This never fails to make me roll my eyes. Only on TV can a person sit in a car on a suburban street for hours surveilling a suspect without anyone noticing or calling the cops.

[Sandman87]

On Thursday, November 03, 2016 at 7:28 AM, ChromaKelly said:

I should bring a blacklight to work and check the desks and conference room table, since that's where people seem to be getting busy.

Don't forget to check the supply closet.

[DeLurker]

On 11/19/2016 at 4:59 PM, ABay said:

Only on TV can a person sit in a car on a suburban street for hours surveilling a suspect without anyone noticing or calling the cops.

I called the cops when someone was sitting in a parked car parked in my swale years ago.  The cops told me he was a PI on a job and that all sorts of people had called about the strange man in my swale.  After that I let the dog out to go pee.  The dog immediately went over to see who was there and put her front paws on the car door to get a better sniff.  She scratched his paint.  I figured it was a job expense and not my problem.

[ABay]

DeLurker Dog on the case!

Here's another one: Only on TV do people refer to someone as Old Man Lastnamehere. Hey, remember how Old Man Lastnamehere used to chase us off his lawn? 

Edited November 21, 2016 by ABay

[zxy556575]

And his wife, Old Lady Lastnamehere. She lives in the house the neighborhood kids are scared to walk past.

[Kel Varnsen]

On 15/11/2016 at 4:21 PM, lordonia said:

There are only two options when getting hit by a TV car: roll easily through it and pop right up again or fall down and die. If the victim is dead, blood will be trickling out of his or her mouth.

Speaking of car accidents (and Hawaii 5-0 just reminded me of this) even though anti-lock brakes have been pretty common since at least the late 90s, if you slam on your breaks you car will skid to a very loud stop.

[Shannon L.]

I really do wish that a drastic new hair cut could change me from a shy person to a total bad ass. 

[meep.meep]

It's not just the hair cut - you need a dramatic montage of you getting the cut, produced in the style of a music video, and hopefully featuring a kickass musical theme song.

[Shannon L.]

48 minutes ago, meep.meep said:

It's not just the hair cut - you need a dramatic montage of you getting the cut, produced in the style of a music video, and hopefully featuring a kickass musical theme song.

I see.  I'll have to try it  ;)   From what I understand, it also works if you cut it yourself. 

[Bastet]

Quote

I really do wish that a drastic new hair cut could change me from a shy person to a total bad ass.

You're in luck, because you need not even go under the, uh, scissors.  Just put your hair up in a bun, and then let it down.  And, even if you don't already wear them, put on some glasses, because removing them will complete the transformation.

[paulvdb]

You may also need a new outfit. But don't worry, those clothes will already be in your closet even though you've never worn anything like that in your life. Apparently tv characters shop for clothes that they may need for some future personality change.

[DittyDotDot]

7 hours ago, Bastet said:

You're in luck, because you need not even go under the, uh, scissors.  Just put your hair up in a bun, and then let it down.  And, even if you don't already wear them, put on some glasses, because removing them will complete the transformation.

I always wondered why I felt like a completely different person when I got into bed, after taking off my glasses and letting my long hair down. ;)

[Moose135]

8 hours ago, Bastet said:

 Just put your hair up in a bun, and then let it down.  And, even if you don't already wear them, put on some glasses, because removing them will complete the transformation.

In slow motion, you have to do it in slow motion...

[Shannon L.]

2 hours ago, Moose135 said:

In slow motion, you have to do it in slow motion...

And shake your head so your hair falls over your shoulders.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

5 hours ago, Moose135 said:

In slow motion, you have to do it in slow motion...

 

2 hours ago, Shannon L. said:

And shake your head so your hair falls over your shoulders.

"Flip your hair."

"What?"

"Flip your Goddamned hair."

[Anela]

This is all cracking me up. I love this thread. 

I've cut my own hair, by the way. I accidentally created different layers that took almost three years to grow out. For a little while there, I thought they were aligning into a perfect haircut, all by themselves, and then I noticed one side was still one-inch longer than the other. I only fixed that last month. 

[merylinkid]

14 hours ago, Bastet said:

Just put your hair up in a bun, and then let it down.  And, even if you don't already wear them, put on some glasses, because removing them will complete the transformation.

Sadly never worked for me.

I even did the cut it all off thing.   Maybe I was missing the montage.   

[meep.meep]

1 hour ago, Cobalt Stargazer said:

 

"Flip your hair."

"What?"

"Flip your Goddamned hair."

"Flip it like a white girl!" Miss Tyra Banks

Never neglect the montage!

[zxy556575]

Every TV prison guard is sadistic and corrupt.

[MaryMitch]

Whenever someone on TV gets a pizza, it's always plain cheese, no toppings.

[Raja]

Only on TV can you join the military get mixed with people from all over the nation in the special forces yet when you return home from war all of your squad lives in the neighborhood as just happened once again on Shooter.

[scriggle]

Only on TV everyone who joins the military is Army Special Forces, Green Berets,  Delta Force, Army Rangers, Navy Seals, or Marine Force Recon. There are no grunts.

[Shannon L.]

Whenever a thief has to cut out a section of window or wall, they manage to make a perfect circle.

Edited November 25, 2016 by Shannon L.

[topanga]

When characters start monologuing, the listener always gives his or her undivided attention. No one's eyes ever drift away out of boredorm or monologue fatigue. And they rarely interrupt the speaker. 

[ganesh]

I was shocked *shocked* on H50 when they actually shot out the tires of a car that was trying to escape.

[kiddo82]

Only on TV are funerals packed to the gills.  In my experience, everyone goes to the wake and the funeral and interment are for family and close friends.  

ETA:. Also, everyone has black funeral attire readily available.  Bonus points if a woman has a black hat with a veil. 

Edited November 26, 2016 by kiddo82

[DeLurker]

On 11/25/2016 at 9:52 PM, kiddo82 said:

everyone has black funeral attire readily available.

My closets have always been varying shades of black (I wear grey in the spring), so I'd be all set if I went to funerals (refuse on principle).  I don't own hats, so no bonus points for me.

[Anela]

I had to go shopping for something to wear to mum's funeral, since I live in jeans, little tops, and yoga pants. We were in black, and my uncle walked up and said, "There are other colours, you know!" He was in grey and white. 

[Joe]

On 26/11/2016 at 11:52 AM, kiddo82 said:

Only on TV are funerals packed to the gills.  In my experience, everyone goes to the wake and the funeral and interment are for family and close friends.  

ETA:. Also, everyone has black funeral attire readily available.  Bonus points if a woman has a black hat with a veil. 

I had to go to two this year. Before the first one, I went shopping. For the second one, I had the new stuff good to go. If I have to go to one next year, my clothes should still be good. All you need is some nice black clothes, and these days there are other colours too. Not hard to find something to wear.

[legaleagle53]

38 minutes ago, Joe said:

I had to go to two this year. Before the first one, I went shopping. For the second one, I had the new stuff good to go. If I have to go to one next year, my clothes should still be good. All you need is some nice black clothes, and these days there are other colours too. Not hard to find something to wear.

But if you're a man, you'd damn well better be wearing a tie at the funeral.  I forgot to pack a tie when I went home for my youngest brother's funeral in 2007, and you'd better believe that my mother busted my chops for it!