Faux Life: Things That Happen On TV But Not In Reality

[Bastet]

My phone number is blocked, so it doesn't come up on people's caller IDs.  Even with my best friend, though, I say, "Hi, it's [my name]" rather than just "It's me" -- she'd know my voice, but I guess I'm just not an "It's me" person.  (With my parents, I just say "Hi" or "Yo" or something.)

 

I have a friend who adopted "Hey, it's me" early in our relationship, and before I had caller ID; there were several times I had to wait for her to start talking to figure out who it was.

Edited January 12, 2016 by Bastet

[Ohwell]

I don't know if this has already been covered, but it only takes a split second for someone to dial a number (yes, they're actually supposed to be dialing all seven digits)--and even less time for the phone to ring and for someone to answer.  

Edited January 12, 2016 by Ohwell

[Quof]

Perhaps the one syllable "Hi" isn't enough for them to identify the voice?   I do like to tell everyone who calls me at work (about a dozen people who need to contact me regularly) that we are on a "Hi, it's me" basis.  Sometimes I need to pretend for a few seconds while they continue talking and I can identify the voice, but it never takes long. 

[ganesh]

I can probably count the times I've used the phone, as a phone, on one hand. Now I have an office phone. It rings like 5 or 6 times before I realize that it's actually my phone. No one say's "it's me" though. That's right below car radio for me. 

[proserpina65]

Maybe people actually do this in their real lives but I've only seen it on TV.

 

Someone is making a phone call, typically to a spouse. Ring, ring: "Hi, it's me."

 

Either you're calling someone who recognizes your voice or you aren't. What the hell does "it's me" tell them? It makes even less sense nowadays with ubiquitous caller ID.

I do that every single time I call my mother or my best friend, as long as they pick up right away.  I don't do that if I have to leave a message.  I don't know if either of them have caller ID, but I'd do it even if they did.

 

Now that I think about it, I do this when I leave a message on mom's answering machine, too.  For my best friend, I usually just leave a funny message instead.

Edited January 13, 2016 by proserpina65

[ganesh]

If people are playing poker, within about 1 minute, someone will go "all in". Even though they've been playing for 5 minutes.

[shapeshifter]

Maybe people actually do this in their real lives but I've only seen it on TV.

 

Someone is making a phone call, typically to a spouse. Ring, ring: "Hi, it's me."

 

Either you're calling someone who recognizes your voice or you aren't. What the hell does "it's me" tell them? It makes even less sense nowadays with ubiquitous caller ID.

My daughters and I used to do that. Now that nobody has landlines, I don't think we do it any more. Do they still do that on newer TV shows?

[Sandman87]

A couple of my sisters always say "what are you doing?" when I answer the phone, which has always annoyed me. The other day I asked one "why do you always ask me that?" and she said "that's what you say!" 

People sometimes do that when they call me. They run the risk of getting whatever answer I'm in the mood to give. Past examples include:

 

"None of your damn business."

"Contemplating the bleak hopelessness of my meaningless existence."

"Just waxing the cat."

"Talking to you, obviously."

"Immanentizing the eschaton."

"Masturbating."

[shapeshifter]

I think "What are you doing?" is supposed to mean the same thing as what I often say: "Is this a good time?" Or: "Are you busy?"

But maybe when people call Sandman87 they say "What are you doing?" just to see what the response will be.

[topanga]

People sometimes do that when they call me. They run the risk of getting whatever answer I'm in the mood to give. Past examples include:

 

"None of your damn business."

"Contemplating the bleak hopelessness of my meaningless existence."

"Just waxing the cat."

"Talking to you, obviously."

"Immanentizing the eschaton."

"Masturbating."

 

Hilarious. 

 

Do people ever do this on TV (the question, not your responses)? When someone answers the phone, the caller immediately launches into their monologue about the crime, the affair, the business deal, travel plans, etc? No one ever says, "Hang on. I'm on the toilet. Let me flush."

[Haleth]

Someone is making a phone call, typically to a spouse. Ring, ring: "Hi, it's me."

 

Several years ago I had to call my husband at work and I began the conversation with just "Hi."  I was calling him to tell him I'd just been in an accident and totaled the car.  (No one was hurt.  Thank you, Honda!)  After about 5 minutes of describing the accident and assuring him I wasn't injured, he said, "Who is this?"  True story.

[Popples]

People sometimes do that when they call me. They run the risk of getting whatever answer I'm in the mood to give. Past examples include:

 

"None of your damn business."

"Contemplating the bleak hopelessness of my meaningless existence."

"Just waxing the cat."

"Talking to you, obviously."

"Immanentizing the eschaton."

"Masturbating."

 

I'm not sure if it's better to take this literally or euphemistically. Either way, it's too funny.

[jaytee1812]

My entire family do the. 'Hi, it's just me' every time we're on the phone to each other, fully aware of how stupid it is!

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Do people ever do this on TV (the question, not your responses)? When someone answers the phone, the caller immediately launches into their monologue about the crime, the affair, the business deal, travel plans, etc? No one ever says, "Hang on. I'm on the toilet. Let me flush."

 

Jeff Foxworthy once said that he was talking to his brother on the phone, and halfway through the conversation he hears this whooshing noise in the background, then gurgling water. He says he paused for a second, then asks, "Was that a flush? We've been talking about Mom, man!"

[yourpointis]

I'm not sure if this has ever happened on tv, but several times I have had someone call my number and upon answering the caller asks "Who is this?". You called my number. Shouldn't you be asking for who you wish to speak with? 

[ganesh]

I had a friend, she still is, but obviously life, when we were neighbors in college we went out to bars, parties, etc., all the time. *Always* called me on the toilet. *Flush* "So yeah. You coming over later then?" 

[DeLurker]

I had an "Only on tv" parking moment today when in a space magically opened up right in front of where I was going.

 

Sadly, I had to use my real life parallel parking skills which leaves much to be desired.  I guess mad parking skillz don't come with my 2004 Prius.

Edited January 14, 2016 by DeLurker

[shapeshifter]

I had an "Only on tv" parking moment today when in a space magically opened up right in front of where I was going.

 

Sadly, I had to use my real life parallel parking skills which leaves much to be desired.  I guess mad parking skillz don't come with my 2004 Prius.

But that is yet another Only On TV thing: People always parallel park perfectly the first time unless the plot (e.g., comedic element) requires half a dozen adjustments. People On TV will sometimes park weirdly instead of correctly parallel parking, but they Never have to do a "normal" parallel park with just one adjustment.

[meep.meep]

I'm not sure if this has ever happened on tv, but several times I have had someone call my number and upon answering the caller asks "Who is this?". You called my number. Shouldn't you be asking for who you wish to speak with? 

 

That happens to me all the time at home.  My reply is "Who are you?"

 

Back in the olden days, the "Hi, it's me" opening was used by prank callers.  They'd call, if the person answering was a woman, say "it's me" and hope that she would think that it was someone she knew.  Then they'd try to steer the conversation into lurid topics.  If a guy answered, they'd just hang up.

[shapeshifter]

I hope that it's Only On TV that the supposedly super-intelligent hero sleuths wait until they are trapped alone with the bad guy, and cut off technologically from their backup team, for the hero to reveal that they have proof the bad guy is the perp and will soon face life in prison or the death penalty. This post from this week's Unforgettable episode reminded me of this one: forums.previously.tv/topic/36871-s04e08-breathing-space/#entry1877886

Other topic: This week one of my daughters left me a voice mail beginning with, "Hi. It's me." She is old enough to have started leaving voice mail back when I had a land line without caller ID. Her older sister still does it too. The younger one never has. The funny thing is that their voices (and my sister's) are similar, and "Hi, it's me" always left me wondering "Which me?" Thank goodness cell phones don't require me to figure that out anymore. And now I just realized that they all probably never realized I didn't have caller ID.

Edited January 18, 2016 by shapeshifter

[topanga]

 

I hope that it's Only On TV that the supposedly super-intelligent hero sleuths wait until they are trapped alone with the bad guy, and cut off technologically from their backup team, for the hero to reveal that they have proof the bad guy is the perp and will soon face life in prison or the death penalty.

And the villains always laugh because they recognize how dumb a statement that is, even if the hero doesn't.

 

 

Because it's winter...

 

I was watching an early episode of The Blacklist, and Liz was sitting on her steps in her underwear (? Maybe they were hot pants) after learning something unsettling about her husband. And she had these beautiful, shiny legs and feet. No one on TV who sits around in their shorts, underwear, etc. ever has ashy legs. I know ash doesn't show up as well on lighter skin, but dry skin is dry skin. And I hardly ever see people on TV shows put on lotion, unless they're moisturizing their hands.

[Fable]

With Caller ID it's usually unnecessary to identify yourself, but I guess you gotta say something. A couple of my sisters always say "what are you doing?" when I answer the phone, which has always annoyed me. The other day I asked one "why do you always ask me that?" and she said "that's what you say!" 

 

 

People sometimes do that when they call me. They run the risk of getting whatever answer I'm in the mood to give. Past examples include:

 

"None of your damn business."

"Contemplating the bleak hopelessness of my meaningless existence."

"Just waxing the cat."

"Talking to you, obviously."

"Immanentizing the eschaton."

"Masturbating."

 

So funny!  My sister does the same thing, and I started doing the same, giving some ridiculous answers.  It has since become a standing joke between us.   Now whenever she calls, she always asks "Now, what you doing?" just to see what I'm going to say.  

Edited January 20, 2016 by Fable

[Raja]

Only on TV can a single police detective squad kill more people in twenty cases then entire big city police departments kill in a year

[Mulva]

And there is never any backlash against the killings.  Sure, there's the obligatory scene with Internal Affairs where where the killer cop indignantly states, "It was a righteous shoot", but that's the end of it, and the IA officer is always portrayed as a petty, vindictive jackhole who wants to take our hero down out of spite.

 

In real life, most cops never even draw their gun in their entire careers, and do I need to mention Ferguson, MO?

[Raja]

The most notorious squad that I know of is the LAPD SIS. They killed maybe two people a year when they would watch people commit relatively minor crimes until a major crime with a heavy sentence was committed and the undercover gunslingers would emerge. Three strikes laws made their function obsolete. On TV Major Crimes they are just undercover stalkers while a couple of the old homicide/Major Crimes Lieutenants kill each season

[ganesh]

It doesn't matter how many laws I break or civil rights I trample all over: I close cases.

[zxy556575]

It doesn't matter how many laws I break or civil rights I trample all over: I close cases.

 

If a murder squad ever does get in semi-realistic trouble with the city's brass, some functionary from the mayor's office will be sent to investigate and, after a grueling few days, will realize the good they do despite their flaws. Investigation closed.

 

Same applies to any rule-bending doctors.

[ganesh]

And we will have the Manly Nod of Affirmation at the end. 

[ganesh]

If you pass a car on tv, there's always a fading honking horn sound. 

[ganesh]

If you're a cop and you have hunch, no one will believe you and you will be proven right.

[andromeda331]

Well, they are the best cop ever, the best detective, best sharpshooter, best negotatior, bomb squad basically best at

everything.

[ganesh]

And their captain, dammit, went to the mat for them, so don't prove me wrong!

[Raja]

Well, they are the best cop ever, the best detective, best sharpshooter, best negotatior, bomb squad basically best at

everything.

And if she goes undercover no matter how many women the bad guy keeps in his personal harem there is just something about her that he will forget about all the others just  to have her.

[GreekGeek]

And if she goes undercover no matter how many women the bad guy keeps in his personal harem there is just something about her that he will forget about all the others just  to have her.

The male corollary to this is that when the undercover cop gets into the baddie's gang, the baddie will immediately elevate him above all the guys who have been loyal to him for years--and then wonder why his crimes are suddenly going wrong.

[AimingforYoko]

If you're a cop and you have hunch, no one will believe you and you will be proven right.

That's because they get results, you stupid chief!

[Shannon L.]

Be wary of janitors.  Especially if they are pushing around a cart with a trash can, buckets and a mop.

[Kromm]

Be wary of janitors.  Especially if they are pushing around a cart with a trash can, buckets and a mop.

Janitors are definitely TV Instruments of Fate, although I think they're often more Chaotic Neutral Instruments rather than good or evil (except for the Janitor on Scrubs--definitely evil!) But things happen around them when they're pushing those carts/mop buckets around, it's true. Big things!

[zxy556575]

Be wary of janitors. Especially if they are pushing around a cart with a trash can, buckets and a mop.

 

Damned cleaning supplies. Hotel housekeeping carts and the women pushing them are invariably up to no good.

[Rick Kitchen]

Men (or women pretending to be men) who push around cleaning carts invariably wear fake mustaches.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Damned cleaning supplies. Hotel housekeeping carts and the women pushing them are invariably up to no good.

 

So you're saying the Ghostbusters nuked that poor woman and her cart in the hotel hallway on purpose? XD

[CoderLady]

Damned cleaning supplies. Hotel housekeeping carts and the women pushing them are invariably up to no good.

So you're saying the Ghostbusters nuked that poor woman and her cart in the hotel hallway on purpose? XD

Have some pity for the poor cart lady, please! Besides the unfortunate encounters with ghostbusters, every time some shady PI is tailing someone and needs to search their hotel room, he lurks in the hallway until the cleaner shows up. Then he scams her into letting him into the room on the pretense that it's his room and he forgot his key. Just once I'd like to see the cleaner say "No way, creep!", Taze the guy and step right over his twitching body.

Edited January 31, 2016 by CoderLady

[andromeda331]

Not to mention all of the murdered people they find in the hotel rooms. They probably find one at once a week

maybe two or three times if they live in New York, Vegas or LA. Or maybe every day if they work in a hotel in

those cities.

[Sandman87]

And on a related note; The guy with the Room Service cart is always up to no good if you can't recall ordering room service, especially if it's "compliments of the management." Maybe he's got a silenced pistol on that covered dish, maybe he's got a bomb, maybe it's a dish of poisoned food, maybe he has a confederate riding on the bottom of the cart under the tablecloth, maybe he's got some bugging devices to plant. Whatever he's doing, it's not something you want.

[ganesh]

Just don't order room service ever. So if someone knocks on your door with room service, you're totally justified in shooting them through the door.

 

I always like the incredulity. "Wait. I didn't order room service! I'm going to open the door and see what's what!" 

[Joe]

If someone says trust me, don't. Maybe they're up to something, or maybe they forgot a detail. But they're absolutely 100 percent untrustworthy. Something will happen.

[DeLurker]

When your tru wuv is passing in a speeding car or train (because they are taken hostage somehow), in that nano second you two will exchange a deep meaningful look.  They will never be looking the other way and you both possess whatever alien level sight to required lock on to each others eyes at 100 mph.

[ChromaKelly]

Also be wary of hospital orderlies and hospital laundry carts. Always someone hiding in there. For that matter be wary of nurses. They want to kill you.

[DeLurker]

That's because the brilliant, gorgeous doctor the nurse is in love with always falls in love with his patient.

[shapeshifter]

If you pass a car on tv, there's always a fading honking horn sound.

Yes, well, kudos to the sound engineers for making use of the Doppler effect to convey a sense of speed and movement, right?

And just a footnote to the "Hi, it's me" discussion: Tod Rundgren's hit song "Hello, It's Me" was released in 1972, and, according to Wikipedia (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hello_It%27s_Me#In_the_media) it was appropriately used in That 70s Show.

Edited February 3, 2016 by shapeshifter

[ganesh]

Obviously, I'm saying that someone is always honking at you if you pass them, even if it's on a highway and you're passing normally. Yes, the sound people know physics. Not even remotely the point.