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Phil's-osophy and Other Favorite Quotes

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I figured I'd start a thread where people could post some of their favorite quotes from Modern Family.

 

To get the ball rolling, one of my favorite things ever in Modern Family was the "Phil's-osophy" book that Phil gave to Haley, containing these gems:

 

If you love something, set it free. Unless it's a tiger.

When life gives you lemonade, make lemons.  Life will be all like, "What?!?!"

You can tell a lot about a person from his biography.

Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration, and 2% attention to detail.

Always look people in the eye, even if they're blind.  Just say, "I'm looking you in the eye."

If you get pulled over for speeding, tell the policeman your spouse has diarrhea.

You only get one chance at a first impression. I suggest Julia Child because it’s easy to do.

The most amazing things that can happen to a human being will happen to you if you just lower your expectations.

 

Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you’re William Hurt.

Take a lesson from parakeets: If you’re ever feeling lonely, eat in a front of a mirror.

Never be afraid to reach for the stars because even if you fall, you’ll always be wearing a Parentchute™.

Older black ladies make the best iced tea.

Watch a sunrise at least once a day.

If you’re ever in a jam, a crayon scrunched up under your nose makes a good pretend mustache.

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Oh, I have so many.  Mostly from the first two seasons, cause I only watched on and off after that.

 

"I just stole a baby's intellectual property" was maybe the first time I actually laughed out loud at this show.

 

"Please don't spike our baby."

 

"Help! We locked our baby in the car and people are judging us!"

 

And one of the cleverest quips, from when Claire wanted to set up a crafts table for Luke's birthday party in "Fizbo":

Claire [to Phil] "Do you know what we're going to make?"

Phil: "Kids bored?"

[slow clap to the writers on that one]

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Three I can remember off the top of my head: when Phil was trying to show how he knew teen lingo - "WTF - why the face?"; when Luke told Gloria that Claire thought she was a "coal digger" (gold digger); and when Phil said he used to follow Hall and Oates around on tour - he was a Hallraiser. I went to a H&O concert recently and told my friends I was a Hallraiser.

Edited by QueBueno
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One of my favorites is also from the coal digger episode 

 

Claire (about Gloria thinking Luke is weird): "You know what's weird? Her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count."

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Phil about Claire after the ex-bf: "Then I stepped up and nailed her in the cheap seats."

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Jay complains to the next door neighbor about their barking dog. Neighbor:" I never complain about  that awful parrot you have!" Jay:" we don't have a parrot!" Cut to Gloria screaming "Jay! Jay! Jay!" 

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I still love, from the very first episode when Cam & Mitchel were on the airplane with baby Lily and lady makes some comment like "Look at that baby with those cream puffs," and Mitch gets up to make his gay-men-can-raise-babies-too speech...and Cam loudly whispers "Mitchel, she's got the cream puffs!"  

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Phil:  We found a part of ourselves we never knew was there, just like the horny cowboy said we would.

 

 

Phil:  It's like that movie "The Blind Side" where the black kid was tight end.

Alex: Offensive line.

Phil:  Sorry, the African American kid.

Edited by Runningwild
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Cam's response to Mitchell when they thought Larry had died and Cam suggested in a few weeks they would just get a new "Larry":

Mitchell: "Oh so, what, if I were to die you'd just wait a few weeks and then replace me?"

Cameron: "Of course not. Where would I find another gay Mitchell with your exact markings?"

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“It’s Cameron’s turn to be out in the world, interacting with other adults. While I get to stay at home and plot the death of Dora the Explorer…. Fill her backpack with bricks and throw her into Candy Cane river.” – Mitchell

"Leave it to the gays to raise the only underachieving Asian in America"-Mitchell

"You have your fans, I have mine. One day, your fans will be working for my fans" -Alex to Haley

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Phil - "Mononucleosis is pretty serious...I got it from my college roommate Lane.  Serves us right for fooling around.  Never share a flute kids."

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Manny (watching the mini drone fly away): "And just like that, it disappears."
Luke (looking at Phil, who has just fallen into the pool without his bathing shorts): "In his defense, the water's really cold."

Edited by MaryMitch
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Phil (helping Haley move out of her dorm): "Where are my keys?"
Haley: "Oh, they're right there on the makeup table."
Claire: "Oh, honey. That's a desk." 

 

The way Claire delivers that line kills me.

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Holding megaphone: "Luke... I am your father..."

*Turns to Luke* I used to do that to your mother's legs when she was pregnant with you.

Haley: "Oh my God, dad!"

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"This is charcuterie? I've been avoiding this on menus for years. They are killing themselves with that name!"

And Luke, sliding a baking sheet of soda under the door to the bathroom when Claire and the plumber are stuck inside:

"I couldn't find a straw so you're going to have to drink it like cats"

Edited by AndreaK1041
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Phil:  "Do you know what a human pyramid is without hours of training?  Ten obituaries!"

 

Cam:  "I hate Anderson Cooper."

Mitch  "Our friends Anders and Cooper...."

Edited by dogfish
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Saw a repeat of the one where Phil gets an RV-only an ok episode other than upon  seeing the kids doing the Lakers Girl dance routine, Phil says, with sheer glee in his voice "I don't even need context" 

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The Las Vegas ep, when Stephen Merchant (the British butler) mentions the reason for the extra time required for the Pharaoh's Bath:

"...the Nubian lives off-site."

Edited by voiceover
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Tonight's "A Fair to Remember" features Jordan Peele as Jay's cop-partner.  Those two were so awesome together I would totally watch a spin-off.  It starts with the one -upsmanship over a parking space: "I have two energy bars and a space blanket.  I will spend the night here if I have to!"*

 

*that may not be exact.  Because I'm always laughing all the way through it.

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On 3/31/2017 at 10:48 PM, voiceover said:

Tonight's "A Fair to Remember" features Jordan Peele as Jay's cop-partner.  Those two were so awesome together I would totally watch a spin-off.  It starts with the one -upsmanship over a parking space:

"I don't care if parking here is on your bucket list!  I have two books on tape, an energy bar, and a space blanket in my trunk.  I will spend the night here if I have to!"*

**ETA: Think it's right now.

*that may not be exact.  Because I'm always laughing all the way through it.

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Hey guys,

 

I was flipping through the channels and saw an episode where Jay and Gloria are talking. Jay gets angry at Gloria for dressing her kid in gender-neutral pants, and when she compares it to him making a kid wear a Dodger's cap at a baseball game, he says, "Or is it different in every conceivable respect?" with a very serious face/tone and it had me cracking up. 

I was wondering if anyone knew which episode this great quote comes from.

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Not a favorite quote, but a favorite scene that came on in reruns the other day. It's the episode where the family makes Jay late for a reservation at a new restaurant. The ending scene is all of the adults at a taco truck fooling around and singing along to Midnight Train to Georgia. Such a fun scene and one of my hands down favorite Ed O'Neill moments. 

Also, speaking of syndication, if anyone else DVRs the reruns, do you notice that they constantly replay the same few episodes? I swear they only play about 10% of the episodes of the previous 9 seasons. 

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