Small Talk: The Polygamous Cul-de-Sac

[TurtlePower]

2 hours ago, lookeyloo said:

So sorry for your experience!  I had mine done that way in 2007. I did have a lot of physical therapy and was mainly very uncomfortable. Every day it should get a little better. I used a cane For a few weeks and thought I needed it until one day in got up and didn't reach for it.  Maybe they need to X-ray and make sure all is where it should be?  So sorry. Hoping it will improve. 

Everything’s fine and in place. They just didn’t tell me it would be this bad, they told me the opposite. The PT people said it happens all the time that patients aren’t told how terrible it is the first month. It’s frustrating because I’d rather be prepared for a bad, long haul. That’s what makes me the most upset. 

[deirdra]

53 minutes ago, TurtlePower said:

Everything’s fine and in place. They just didn’t tell me it would be this bad, they told me the opposite. The PT people said it happens all the time that patients aren’t told how terrible it is the first month. It’s frustrating because I’d rather be prepared for a bad, long haul. That’s what makes me the most upset. 

Hopefully you have started to re-set your mindset based on what the PT people have told you (they tend to be more realistic than the surgeons who don't see the struggles). I too like to prepare physically & mentally for the potential long haul. Luckily I made my doctor tell me the worst case scenario before my ACL reconstruction. That way, when I worked hard to meet targets, it was very satisfying to be progressing faster than the people half my age who weren't doing all of the icing & exercises according to plan, so I felt like I was accomplishing rather than failing at the goals.

Edited October 25, 2022 by deirdra

[lookeyloo]

42 minutes ago, TurtlePower said:

Everything’s fine and in place. They just didn’t tell me it would be this bad, they told me the opposite. The PT people said it happens all the time that patients aren’t told how terrible it is the first month. It’s frustrating because I’d rather be prepared for a bad, long haul. That’s what makes me the most upset. 

Gosh. So sorry. My experience was different. Wishing relief for you soon 

[TurtlePower]

6 hours ago, lookeyloo said:

Gosh. So sorry. My experience was different. Wishing relief for you soon 

Funny thing is I worked on being so damn strong before the surgery. Jump squats, jumping lunges, hours of cycling. I thought that would help me and it really hasn’t.

I know it’ll get better and appreciate everyone’s words of encouragement. 

[xwordfanatik]

@TurtlePower, I hope each day is a little bit better than the day before, for you.  I'm lucky to be pushing 70 and the only surgery I've had was an appendectomy as a child.  Mr. X had a knee replacement a few years ago and his recovery was more grueling than we thought it would be.  

Best wishes to you!

[Rabbit Hutch]

Well, Turtle Power, I say damn the torpedoes and full steam ahead! The more time goes by the more you'll be able to do and hopefully by this time next year all of that pain you're now going through will be a distant memory, and you'll have your new hip. Then you can show all of those young whippersnappers what's what!  👩‍🦽👩‍🦯🚶‍♀️🏃‍♀️

You know we're all cheering you on.  Git on after it!  🙋‍♀️ 

[SunnyBeBe]

23 hours ago, TurtlePower said:

Everything’s fine and in place. They just didn’t tell me it would be this bad, they told me the opposite. The PT people said it happens all the time that patients aren’t told how terrible it is the first month. It’s frustrating because I’d rather be prepared for a bad, long haul. That’s what makes me the most upset. 

I know it’s difficult to not second guess our decisions.  I did that with my eyelid surgery a few years ago, but it did resolve with time and treatment.  You said you were bone on bone with your knee, right?  So, your options were limited.  I do hope you improve each day, though I would share you concerns with your surgeon. Nothing wrong with with them double and triple checking to ensure things are right.  And, nothing wrong with talking to someone about your nutrition too.  If that has you worried, I’d ask for support. 

[Gramto6]

((((@Turtlepower)))) Wishing you a speedy recovery. Hopefully each day will be better than the last and you will be back to your normal asap. 

[Yeah No]

@TurtlePower, I knew a woman at my old job that had a hip replacement.  She was out of work for at least 6 weeks and came back feeling fine but told me how rough it was for several weeks.  Surgery can be a bitch and it can take some people longer than others to bounce back (like me).  When they say 2 weeks recovery I have to times that by at least 2 for me.  The trouble is they give you the "average" or "standard" experience but after 60+ years on this planet I know that for me things are always longer than that.  People want to know why I have never had a colonoscopy - well I've had anesthesia 5 times in my life and even for the endoscopies it took me over a week to feel back to normal.   I had a bad arm break in 2016 and needed surgery.  It took me a couple of months to feel back to normal again, and close to a year of physical therapy twice a week for my hand and arm to recover to 95% of their former strength.  I had 4 wisdom teeth removed at the same time when I was 35 and was not prepared for how awful I felt afterward and how much pain and time it would take to recover.  Other people were back to normal in days and had zero issues.  I had temporary nerve damage that lasted months in my lower jaw and a bad reaction to the "twilight sleep" gas they gave me.

Anyway my point is that it may take longer for you but I have a strong feeling you'll be fine in time.

P.S.  I have had the "FIT test" which is similar to "Cologuard" and there's no history of colon cancer in my family so I'm OK for now with that.  Plus I just had a CAT scan of my entire abdomen and was told my colon looks fine.  I will go for a colonoscopy eventually but I'm not in any rush, plus those blood tests are supposed to be 92% accurate.

[Absolom]

Plus now there are articles that colonoscopies are not as effective as they've been pushed as being  

[xwordfanatik]

11 hours ago, Yeah No said:

@TurtlePower, I knew a woman at my old job that had a hip replacement.  She was out of work for at least 6 weeks and came back feeling fine but told me how rough it was for several weeks.  Surgery can be a bitch and it can take some people longer than others to bounce back (like me).  When they say 2 weeks recovery I have to times that by at least 2 for me.  The trouble is they give you the "average" or "standard" experience but after 60+ years on this planet I know that for me things are always longer than that.  People want to know why I have never had a colonoscopy - well I've had anesthesia 5 times in my life and even for the endoscopies it took me over a week to feel back to normal.   I had a bad arm break in 2016 and needed surgery.  It took me a couple of months to feel back to normal again, and close to a year of physical therapy twice a week for my hand and arm to recover to 95% of their former strength.  I had 4 wisdom teeth removed at the same time when I was 35 and was not prepared for how awful I felt afterward and how much pain and time it would take to recover.  Other people were back to normal in days and had zero issues.  I had temporary nerve damage that lasted months in my lower jaw and a bad reaction to the "twilight sleep" gas they gave me.

Anyway my point is that it may take longer for you but I have a strong feeling you'll be fine in time.

P.S.  I have had the "FIT test" which is similar to "Cologuard" and there's no history of colon cancer in my family so I'm OK for now with that.  Plus I just had a CAT scan of my entire abdomen and was told my colon looks fine.  I will go for a colonoscopy eventually but I'm not in any rush, plus those blood tests are supposed to be 92% accurate.

As one who has a family history of colon cancer (mom, sister, uncle) I have to have a colonoscopy every 5 years.  I've had 4 so far, and I had trouble with the anesthesia with the first.  Now I tell them to give me very little, and I watch it being done (kind of interesting, actually!)  Now dental work, that's a different story.  I have to have extra Novocain for that stuff, and I have double digit crowns, so I've had a ton of restorative work done.

I recently heard that people with red hair are more susceptible to pain.  I *had* light brown hair, so that wouldn't apply to me, but that was news to me.

[Ms.Lulu]

57 minutes ago, xwordfanatik said:

As one who has a family history of colon cancer (mom, sister, uncle) I have to have a colonoscopy every 5 years.  I've had 4 so far, and I had trouble with the anesthesia with the first.  Now I tell them to give me very little, and I watch it being done (kind of interesting, actually!)  Now dental work, that's a different story.  I have to have extra Novocain for that stuff, and I have double digit crowns, so I've had a ton of restorative work done.

I recently heard that people with red hair are more susceptible to pain.  I *had* light brown hair, so that wouldn't apply to me, but that was news to me.

In the rest of the world (where they do colonoscopies) only about 20% of people go under anesthesia. I've often wondered why we risk it so much in the US. 

I do the FIT every year. My doctor says it is 92% accurate. Since I do it every year vs every 5 or 10 years, it is as effective as a colonoscopy.  

But if I ever need a colonoscopy it will be without anesthesia for me.

[Absolom]

For some people they are very painful.  Although again they are advertised as not being so.  I woke up and even with Fentanyl and an additional dose of it I was demanding he finish up VERY QUICKLY.  

[Gramto6]

I am/was a redhead, though I have an extremely high tolerance to pain, I am a wuss when it comes to medication. I have had bad reactions to so many drugs, I am hesitant to try anything new. I have had my 5 year colonoscopies and non cancerous polyps were  found each time, so not sure the FIT would be a good option for me though no history of colon cancer in family.

I might need to talk to my gastro as I have no one to take me to the colonoscopy appt now, maybe the FIT can work.

[SunnyBeBe]

I had my first colonoscopy in 2020 and it was actually very relaxing and restful.  The anesthesia was perfect. I didn’t realize it happened at first.  They said I napped soundly, even through the turns….no polyps, so I’m good for 10 years knock on wood.  I am interested in some other kind of annual test too.  I’ve had varying anesthesia experiences during my two cosmetic surgeries.  When they say LIGHT sedation, they mean LIGHT. Lol. 

[Teafortwo]

I've had several colonoscopies, all with sedation. For me the prep is worse than the aftermath. However I also had a sigmoidoscopy once (I think that's just the lower half of the colon - and I was awake throughout. It was pretty interesting watching it on the monitor. I don't remember it being dramatically painful.

[SunnyBeBe]

Do you ever wonder about coincidences and question  if there’s more to it?  Last week, one of my childhood friends passed away.  ( He’s actually also the brother to my ex from years ago.). Then today, I read an obituary for another family friend that also died last week, who grew up living right across the street from him! (She dated my brother!). Both were in there 50s.  I’m sort of reeling.  My mom and I were discussing how strange that is.  

Edited November 5, 2022 by SunnyBeBe

[Yeah No]

On 10/27/2022 at 1:08 PM, Ms.Lulu said:

In the rest of the world (where they do colonoscopies) only about 20% of people go under anesthesia. I've often wondered why we risk it so much in the US. 

I do the FIT every year. My doctor says it is 92% accurate. Since I do it every year vs every 5 or 10 years, it is as effective as a colonoscopy.  

But if I ever need a colonoscopy it will be without anesthesia for me.

I had an endoscopy once without anesthesia.  It was just to send a camera down my throat to look at my stomach to see if I had an ulcer, which I didn't.  The doctor gave me a numbing agent for my throat to help with the gag reflex.  They put you in a position that minimizes it anyway.  It was uncomfortable but not too much to tolerate for the one minute he needed to be down there.  I was glad I did it without sedation but for some reason I was very tired afterward anyway.  I requested no anesthesia because I was deathly afraid of it and had never had it before.  I've had to have it a few times since then and every time I said goodbye to everyone like I was convinced I was going to die - I mean I am THAT phobic about this!

The times I've had to have it (no choice but to) I made sure to tell the anesthesiologists about how sensitive I am to everything and to give me the smallest dose they can reasonably give an adult.  Even so every time I've had it it's taken me longer to bounce back from it than most people.  I end up dragging my rear end for a week or so just because of that.  

My mother had her colonoscopies done with a sedative which made her drowsy but conscious.  She was happy with that.  When I finally break down and have one I think I might request that.  Although knowing my body, there's no guarantee I'll feel much better with that.  Also, even the rare times in my past a doctor put a gloved finger up my rear for an exam it's been traumatic for me.  Not emotionally but pain and discomfort lasting longer than it should.   So these are the main reasons I haven't had one yet.  

[Yeah No]

12 hours ago, SunnyBeBe said:

Do you ever wonder about coincidences and question  if there’s more to it?  Last week, one of my childhood friends passed away.  ( He’s actually also the brother to my ex from years ago.). Then today, I read an obituary for another family friend that also died last week, who grew up living right across the street from him! (She dated my brother!). Both were in there 50s.  I’m sort of reeling.  My mom and I were discussing how strange that is.  

Yes, I've had something similar happen with deaths.  On 3 separate occasions a person from my past suddenly popped into my head out of nowhere - someone I'd lost touch with - 1 old boyfriend and two platonic friends, which made me look them up on the internet.  In all 3 cases I found out that they had died only days before I looked them up, the longest one happened about 10 days before.  One was only 4 days before.  Each case happened a year or so apart so it wasn't all at once, but to find out in every case that the person had only died just days before I suddenly decided out of nowhere to look them up after decades of not even thinking about them was truly spooky, and very sad, because in all cases I would have liked to reconnect with them if just to say "hi and how are you?". 

One of them was my "first love".  I had found his email address 20 years before and we had a nice chat about how our lives were going, but he was not on social media so that was a one time thing and I never talked with him again after that.  Then 20 years later I figured I'd see what he was up to again and found an obituary written only 8 days before I got there.  Another one was a childhood friend I knew in my day camp as a kid.  He was a sweet little boy I got to know riding the bus with him every day to and from camp.  We were all of about 10 or 11 at the time and this was not a romantic thing at all.  He was very supportive of me when I was bullied at the camp and was the only person I felt I could talk to at the time about it (before I told my parents).  I never forgot his kindness and his relative emotional maturity.  So of course the one time I looked him up decades later I found out he had died only 10 days beforehand.  He committed suicide.  He was a day trader in NYC who got involved in wearing a wire to trap people in some kind of insider trading scandal.  The feds intimidated him into cooperating.  They threatened him that they had his emails that showed he was guilty so he'd better cooperate with them.  Meanwhile after the fact people investigating his emails said there wasn't anything there to pin on him.  His death made the news and I saw articles written about him.  It was very sad.  The third person this happened with was a female friend I knew at work years before.  She died of cancer only days before I looked her up online.  I saw the obituary and people had signed the guest book.  Very shocking and sad.  And all were way too young to die.

[TurtlePower]

19 hours ago, SunnyBeBe said:

Do you ever wonder about coincidences and question  if there’s more to it?  Last week, one of my childhood friends passed away.  ( He’s actually also the brother to my ex from years ago.). Then today, I read an obituary for another family friend that also died last week, who grew up living right across the street from him! (She dated my brother!). Both were in there 50s.  I’m sort of reeling.  My mom and I were discussing how strange that is.  

This happened to me too several months back. One of my friend’s old ex-boyfriend died of a heart attack. He was a truck driver at the time, around 400lbs and died at a truck stop. I was shocked because he was never like that in HS. I’d lost touch with him and was like, wow. There was one more recently but I can’t remember who it was, maybe someone hubby had gone to school with.

I was just thinking about how many high school reunions and gatherings I’ve missed — which would have been awkward for me anyways, I was the token weirdo in HS. For the last 15 years we’ve been living and working in national parks across the country, places like Yellowstone, Yosemite, Chaco, Lake Mead, Carlsbad and now Fire Island NY. I have a feeling they’d find a way to make fun of me for it. 

One of my (former) best friends from HS has already picked on me for “moving too much” and not having kids, claiming it’s “selfish”. She does this every opportunity she gets so we’re not really “friends” anymore. Ive already told her I don’t want to add to the population problem and we have genetic issues we don’t want to pass down the gene pool. Plus the world today is insane, I don’t want to being life into it just to be gunned down or stabbed or sexually abused. Everything’s expensive now, too. 

Sorry to have modified the subject, crazy thought train. 

Edited November 6, 2022 by TurtlePower

[SunnyBeBe]

If you can tolerate a procedure without anesthesia, I would.  The anesthesia that I have had so far, except for when I had a tonsillectomy, was the type that you don’t need breathing assistance, so there’s no dependence on breathing tube.  I also, watched a lot of procedures on you tube and that helped ease my mind.  
 

[Absolom]

What I've had is called sedation rather than anesthesia.  Basically you take a nap and it doesn't come with all the nasty anesthesia side effects.  

[Teafortwo]

6 hours ago, TurtlePower said:

This happened to me too several months back. One of my friend’s old ex-boyfriend died of a heart attack. He was a truck driver at the time, around 400lbs and died at a truck stop. I was shocked because he was never like that in HS. I’d lost touch with him and was like, wow. There was one more recently but I can’t remember who it was, maybe someone hubby had gone to school with.

I was just thinking about how many high school reunions and gatherings I’ve missed — which would have been awkward for me anyways, I was the token weirdo in HS. For the last 15 years we’ve been living and working in national parks across the country, places like Yellowstone, Yosemite, Chaco, Lake Mead, Carlsbad and now Fire Island NY. I have a feeling they’d find a way to make fun of me for it. 

One of my (former) best friends from HS has already picked on me for “moving too much” and not having kids, claiming it’s “selfish”. She does this every opportunity she gets so we’re not really “friends” anymore. Ive already told her I don’t want to add to the population problem and we have genetic issues we don’t want to pass down the gene pool. Plus the world today is insane, I don’t want to being life into it just to be gunned down or stabbed or sexually abused. Everything’s expensive now, too. 

Sorry to have modified the subject, crazy thought train. 

Fwiw, I think it's very, very cool to have worked in all those places. I can't get my head around people who would make fun of you for it, but then again, I've been made fun of by former HS classmates for other things.

I used to go to Fire Island as a kid, and loved it there. I hope you're enjoying working on the Island!

No one should judge another's choices when it comes to not having kids. People have questioned me, but they don't know I had a miscarriage at 40 and the doctor said it was likely due to my age.

I do feel entitled to judge people who have more kids than they can afford or have time for (*ahem* KodyBrown)

[xwordfanatik]

7 hours ago, TurtlePower said:

This happened to me too several months back. One of my friend’s old ex-boyfriend died of a heart attack. He was a truck driver at the time, around 400lbs and died at a truck stop. I was shocked because he was never like that in HS. I’d lost touch with him and was like, wow. There was one more recently but I can’t remember who it was, maybe someone hubby had gone to school with.

I was just thinking about how many high school reunions and gatherings I’ve missed — which would have been awkward for me anyways, I was the token weirdo in HS. For the last 15 years we’ve been living and working in national parks across the country, places like Yellowstone, Yosemite, Chaco, Lake Mead, Carlsbad and now Fire Island NY. I have a feeling they’d find a way to make fun of me for it. 

One of my (former) best friends from HS has already picked on me for “moving too much” and not having kids, claiming it’s “selfish”. She does this every opportunity she gets so we’re not really “friends” anymore. Ive already told her I don’t want to add to the population problem and we have genetic issues we don’t want to pass down the gene pool. Plus the world today is insane, I don’t want to being life into it just to be gunned down or stabbed or sexually abused. Everything’s expensive now, too. 

Sorry to have modified the subject, crazy thought train. 

My daughter is child-free, too.  She's an "only" and while it makes me a little sad that I won't be a grandma, I'm kind of relieved in a way, for some of the reasons you mention.

I don't get why such a personal decision like this is anyone else's business, or can be called selfish!  You are obviously a thoughtful person that made the right choice in your situation.  

My 50th high school reunion was last summer.  I never went to any of them before, and I decided not to go to this one, either.  I was a shy wallflower, and while I had friendships, I never found it easy to make them.  I looked at the people on classmates dot com that said they were going, and not many were, really no one I knew well.  

You've had what sounds like an interesting life, seeing the country.  Enjoy NY.

[Yeah No]

16 hours ago, TurtlePower said:

One of my (former) best friends from HS has already picked on me for “moving too much” and not having kids, claiming it’s “selfish”. She does this every opportunity she gets so we’re not really “friends” anymore. Ive already told her I don’t want to add to the population problem and we have genetic issues we don’t want to pass down the gene pool. Plus the world today is insane, I don’t want to being life into it just to be gunned down or stabbed or sexually abused. Everything’s expensive now, too. 

Sorry to have modified the subject, crazy thought train. 

I hear you.  I never had kids and today I look back and think it might have been for the best considering the way the world has gone since I was of childbearing age.  I can't tell you how many times people (mostly women) have acted a little judgmental about my (or anyone's) choice not to have kids.  The biggest insinuation is that it means you're selfish, immature or too focused on yourself to care about anyone else, which always annoyed and hurt me because if they looked at my life there was really no good reason to pin that on me.  

[xwordfanatik]

My daughter likes kids, but other people's kids.  One of her close friends has five kids, and she gets her 'kid fix' with them.

On another note, if anyone here has Showtime, I've been enjoying Hitsville:  Motown.  So many great songs from my teenage years that I never get tired of hearing.

[oliviabenson]

I wish one person texted me today to say something nice/check up on me. My mom died on this day and I feel really sad. It feels like no I know no one cares about me at all. 
 

I am that idiot who always reaches out, offers help, loyalty etc. Not one person does it for me. It’s fing depressing.

I know I wasted so much time/effort in trying to have a social circle and I got nothing to show for it.

Regarding high school reunions: as far as I know my school never hosted one. I would not go anyway I didn’t really have any friends or good memories.

[altopower]

1 hour ago, oliviabenson said:

I wish one person texted me today to say something nice/check up on me. My mom died on this day and I feel really sad. It feels like no I know no one cares about me at all. 

I'm so very sorry for your pain and isolation today. Were you close to your mom? Either way, our moms hold a special place in our lives and their deaths mark a change in the order of things. Do something kind for yourself today - glass of wine, quiet time, or loud music and dancing to change the energy. Sending you healing energy.

[Yeah No]

9 hours ago, oliviabenson said:

I wish one person texted me today to say something nice/check up on me. My mom died on this day and I feel really sad. It feels like no I know no one cares about me at all. 
 

I am that idiot who always reaches out, offers help, loyalty etc. Not one person does it for me. It’s fing depressing.

I know I wasted so much time/effort in trying to have a social circle and I got nothing to show for it.

Regarding high school reunions: as far as I know my school never hosted one. I would not go anyway I didn’t really have any friends or good memories.

So sorry to hear about your mom.  I lost my mom too soon 21 years ago and on the anniversary of her death I make sure to be busy doing things so I don't think so much about it.  The same with the anniversary of my father's death.  I made the mistake the first year of posting photos on Facebook of him on that day and it made me so depressed it wrecked up the rest of the day.  And sorry to hear about how you feel about your social life.  I wish I could help you to feel better about it but it's something I also struggle with at times.

I've always been that schmuck too that is loyal to friends, reaches out, provides support and keeps the relationship going.  In the vast majority of cases I've gotten nothing for it in the long run.  People have dropped out of my life but I have very rarely dropped out of a friend's life unless they were toxic and that's only happened a couple of times.  In all cases I asked myself what I did wrong but the truth is that every time it was something about them not me.  I try not to blame myself but that can be hard, and it still sucks to lose a friend no matter what.  I'm not even counting the people that come and go from our lives through moving on and drifting apart, that's to be expected.  I'm talking about the close friends who've dumped me.

One friend was jealous when I got back with my husband and we bought a condo. in a nice suburb, so she dumped me, preferring to feel sorry for herself.  It was never my choice to end things but she acted like I was dumping HER.  I never gloated about my life and actually downplayed things to spare her because I knew she was unhappy with her love life, but that didn't help.  Several years later she got cancer and never returned my calls after I found out about it.  And then she died.  So I never spoke with her again.  Very sad.   And my own life hasn't exactly been a piece of cake but what can I say, people have their perceptions?

Another more recent friend who I met online over 20 years ago gradually dropped out of my life over the past few years and completely as of about a year ago.  She was one of my best friends, we would give each other the shirt off our backs.  There was nothing we wouldn't share or do for the other.  Then little by little she stopped calling me and I had to be the one to call her.  She would always go on about how she missed me over the pandemic (we did live a couple of hours apart) and was trying to make plans to see me last year when she had a car accident (her second in 2 years).  After that she never acted the same and I wondered if her injuries weren't worse than she was admitting.  She dropped out of sight and rarely would call me back when I called but would deny that she felt any differently about our friendship or that there was any other reason for her absence.  She just told me she was having a rough time getting over her accident.  But then she would talk about getting together with local friends and doing things so it just didn't add up. 

My last phone conversation with her was almost a year ago when I told her about a mutual friend's death (another way I seem to lose friends).  I made the very hard decision not to call her again after that because her behavior was so confusing and hurtful to me.  I figured if and when she wanted to talk to me she could pick up the phone for a change.  Well, it never happened.  Aside from a text she sent me around the holidays, which I responded to with holiday wishes, that was it.  Then in June of this year I texted her to wish her a happy birthday and told her to call me when she felt up to it.  She never did but she wrote back telling me how much she missed me, etc.  Very bizarre - there was nothing wrong with her voice so why couldn't she talk to me?  Anyway I couldn't deal with it and told her I didn't believe that she still cared or wanted to be my friend.  Of course she denied it and told me she would call me "soon".  Well, that was this past June and she hasn't called.  My theory is that there is some kind of mental illness going on with her to explain this.  I just can't imagine anything else.  And talking with my other friends over the years about it, they all have agreed by now that this must be the case.  Again, very sad.

I could go on, there are more friends that dropped out of my life and when I examine the situation in my heart of hearts I know I did nothing wrong and had no way of knowing beforehand that this would ever happen.

I've read that it becomes more difficult to meet friends as we get older.  It's not just us, it's everyone.  And the older we get the more of our existing friends we lose.  So we are lucky to end up with one or two good friends by the time we're my age (64).  I don't love this situation but if even extroverts have difficulty making friends at my age it's not just me.  It's a good thing I like being solitary and have been content without much of a social life for many years.  I do think that if I were not to have anyone close to me it would be very difficult for me, though.  I am fortunate to have a few good friends and my husband.  I have no more of my own family so they are all I have.  I just hope that if and when the time comes that I have to deal with more loss I am up to it, but it is an issue I worry about now and then.

[TurtlePower]

8 hours ago, Yeah No said:

So sorry to hear about your mom.  I lost my mom too soon 21 years ago and on the anniversary of her death I make sure to be busy doing things so I don't think so much about it.  The same with the anniversary of my father's death.  I made the mistake the first year of posting photos on Facebook of him on that day and it made me so depressed it wrecked up the rest of the day.  And sorry to hear about how you feel about your social life.  I wish I could help you to feel better about it but it's something I also struggle with at times.

I've always been that schmuck too that is loyal to friends, reaches out, provides support and keeps the relationship going.  In the vast majority of cases I've gotten nothing for it in the long run.  People have dropped out of my life but I have very rarely dropped out of a friend's life unless they were toxic and that's only happened a couple of times.  In all cases I asked myself what I did wrong but the truth is that every time it was something about them not me.  I try not to blame myself but that can be hard, and it still sucks to lose a friend no matter what.  I'm not even counting the people that come and go from our lives through moving on and drifting apart, that's to be expected.  I'm talking about the close friends who've dumped me.

One friend was jealous when I got back with my husband and we bought a condo. in a nice suburb, so she dumped me, preferring to feel sorry for herself.  It was never my choice to end things but she acted like I was dumping HER.  I never gloated about my life and actually downplayed things to spare her because I knew she was unhappy with her love life, but that didn't help.  Several years later she got cancer and never returned my calls after I found out about it.  And then she died.  So I never spoke with her again.  Very sad.   And my own life hasn't exactly been a piece of cake but what can I say, people have their perceptions?

Another more recent friend who I met online over 20 years ago gradually dropped out of my life over the past few years and completely as of about a year ago.  She was one of my best friends, we would give each other the shirt off our backs.  There was nothing we wouldn't share or do for the other.  Then little by little she stopped calling me and I had to be the one to call her.  She would always go on about how she missed me over the pandemic (we did live a couple of hours apart) and was trying to make plans to see me last year when she had a car accident (her second in 2 years).  After that she never acted the same and I wondered if her injuries weren't worse than she was admitting.  She dropped out of sight and rarely would call me back when I called but would deny that she felt any differently about our friendship or that there was any other reason for her absence.  She just told me she was having a rough time getting over her accident.  But then she would talk about getting together with local friends and doing things so it just didn't add up. 

My last phone conversation with her was almost a year ago when I told her about a mutual friend's death (another way I seem to lose friends).  I made the very hard decision not to call her again after that because her behavior was so confusing and hurtful to me.  I figured if and when she wanted to talk to me she could pick up the phone for a change.  Well, it never happened.  Aside from a text she sent me around the holidays, which I responded to with holiday wishes, that was it.  Then in June of this year I texted her to wish her a happy birthday and told her to call me when she felt up to it.  She never did but she wrote back telling me how much she missed me, etc.  Very bizarre - there was nothing wrong with her voice so why couldn't she talk to me?  Anyway I couldn't deal with it and told her I didn't believe that she still cared or wanted to be my friend.  Of course she denied it and told me she would call me "soon".  Well, that was this past June and she hasn't called.  My theory is that there is some kind of mental illness going on with her to explain this.  I just can't imagine anything else.  And talking with my other friends over the years about it, they all have agreed by now that this must be the case.  Again, very sad.

I could go on, there are more friends that dropped out of my life and when I examine the situation in my heart of hearts I know I did nothing wrong and had no way of knowing beforehand that this would ever happen.

I've read that it becomes more difficult to meet friends as we get older.  It's not just us, it's everyone.  And the older we get the more of our existing friends we lose.  So we are lucky to end up with one or two good friends by the time we're my age (64).  I don't love this situation but if even extroverts have difficulty making friends at my age it's not just me.  It's a good thing I like being solitary and have been content without much of a social life for many years.  I do think that if I were not to have anyone close to me it would be very difficult for me, though.  I am fortunate to have a few good friends and my husband.  I have no more of my own family so they are all I have.  I just hope that if and when the time comes that I have to deal with more loss I am up to it, but it is an issue I worry about now and then.

That’s so sad. It may well be that there’s something going on with her following her accident and perhaps it’s difficult for her to talk about or even admit. Maybe she’s a shell of her former self. Either way, I’m sorry that happened to you. I’ve gone through similar things with friends. You think it’s you, but it’s likely them. It’s hurtful they feel they can’t talk to you about it, but it’s also possible they feel scared or ashamed or less than.

It’s difficult for me to make friends because of my awkwardness (autism makes me pretend to be “normal” and it’s exhausting). I currently have a few friends who accept my quirks and I’ve also lost at least one (the one old HS friend who made fun of me). When we go home to visit, I keep my social media extremely quiet because she hears about it from someone, then she wants to “meet up” and then cancels at the last minute. It’s so weird and I’m tired of the weirdness that exists now. I don’t have the heart to delete her from my friends list because that will trigger her to come asking questions (so weird!). 

Hubby has a similar situation with a former friend — we used to get together occasionally, years ago, only to be reminded that I was once a lowly pole dancer (as if that’s who I still am?) and that we chose not to try for kids. Hubby is stronger than I am, that friend is 100% cut off and I’m sure Former Friend thinks he’s done nothing wrong (FF became super religious and judgy and that’s where the problems started). 

[oliviabenson]

19 hours ago, altopower said:

I'm so very sorry for your pain and isolation today. Were you close to your mom? Either way, our moms hold a special place in our lives and their deaths mark a change in the order of things. Do something kind for yourself today - glass of wine, quiet time, or loud music and dancing to change the energy. Sending you healing energy.

We were very close. It was us against the world…

[oliviabenson]

@Yeah Noyour friend wants to ghost you but doesn’t have the balls. Many many people do that to me. Basically they yank my chain.

Let’s get together and that never happens or they cancel. It’s not you it’s them. I don’t think it’s mental illness. People are just jerks.

[Yeah No]

2 hours ago, TurtlePower said:

That’s so sad. It may well be that there’s something going on with her following her accident and perhaps it’s difficult for her to talk about or even admit. Maybe she’s a shell of her former self. Either way, I’m sorry that happened to you. I’ve gone through similar things with friends. You think it’s you, but it’s likely them. It’s hurtful they feel they can’t talk to you about it, but it’s also possible they feel scared or ashamed or less than.

Yes, I think you are on to something there because one of my theories is that she was somehow responsible for the accident and is in legal trouble and didn't want to admit that to me.  In one of my only conversations with her after that she talked about having to meet with the lawyer a lot.  She already had a history of not admitting certain things to me thinking I would judge her for it that I found out about later.  And I wouldn't have judged her about those things, she was one of my closest friends.  I told her all my stuff too.  But try telling that to her.  

Also in one of those last conversations she mentioned that a small benign tumor in her brain had started growing again after a long dormant period.  So another theory of mine is that this is also impacting her health and even her state of mind.  I have decided being angry at her is not the right emotion.  I have gotten over my anger and now I just feel sadness for her and also for me for losing her.

Just now, oliviabenson said:

@Yeah Noyour friend wants to ghost you but doesn’t have the balls. Many many people do that to me. Basically they yank my chain.

Let’s get together and that never happens or they cancel. It’s not you it’s them. I don’t think it’s mental illness. People are just jerks.

You sound like all my friends that think I am being way too forgiving of her.  And you all do have a point.  

BTW, as an only child and very similar to my mom in so many ways we were also very close.  So losing her was losing a lot of my world.  But in my case it also brought me closer to my Dad who outlived her by 20 years.  Now that he is gone all I have are the memories of them that my husband and best female friend share.  Last year my Dad's last remaining close friend died.  She was the person that cleaned and shopped for him and was a great support to both him and me in his final years.  When she died last year there went another link to my parents, gone forever.  Last year I also had to take apart and sell their apartment which had stuff in it unchanged for over 45 years.  Stuff from when I was a kid.  I had to say goodbye to a lot of it.  So I have experienced a LOT of loss in the past couple of years myself and it truly sucks.  You have my empathy and support on your loss as well.

[Scarlett45]

Quoting @JayDub1987 from the episode thread.

Your Dad sounds like my grandfather. He put my mother OUT (my Mom was an only child too), May 1973. My mom was supposed to get married the August 1972 before med school started and move in with her husband, but he ended the engagement at the end of June. She was broken hearted, so of course my grandfather didn't push moving out, but she was MOPING (still going to class and stuff of course, but being a sour puss) over it far too long in his opinion. After the school year ended my grandfather took her on a roadtrip to Sandstone MN to see a friend of his who was in Federal Prison for mail fraud, after that experience my Mom realized she needed to get on with life and her mood perked up. 

But grandfather demanded she GET OUT after the school year was done. He bought her a TV, a set of pots/pans and dishes and let her take her bedroom set- told her "You have to be able to stand on your own two feet." Her Mother CRIED in her food "why are you putting my baby out to live by herself? She is in medical school!! 😭😭" His stance was "I  need to know she can stand before we die, she is in this world by herself."

My grandfather did NOT play.

[oliviabenson]

5 minutes ago, Yeah No said:

Yes, I think you are on to something there because one of my theories is that she was somehow responsible for the accident and is in legal trouble and didn't want to admit that to me.  In one of my only conversations with her after that she talked about having to meet with the lawyer a lot.  She already had a history of not admitting certain things to me thinking I would judge her for it that I found out about later.  And I wouldn't have judged her about those things, she was one of my closest friends.  I told her all my stuff too.  But try telling that to her.  

Also in one of those last conversations she mentioned that a small benign tumor in her brain had started growing again after a long dormant period.  So another theory of mine is that this is also impacting her health and even her state of mind.  I have decided being angry at her is not the right emotion.  I have gotten over my anger and now I just feel sadness for her and also for me for losing her.

You sound like all my friends that think I am being way too forgiving of her.  And you all do have a point.  

BTW, as an only child and very similar to my mom in so many ways we were also very close.  So losing her was losing a lot of my world.  But in my case it also brought me closer to my Dad who outlived her by 20 years.  Now that he is gone all I have are the memories of them that my husband and best female friend share.  Last year my Dad's last remaining close friend died.  She was the person that cleaned and shopped for him and was a great support to both him and me in his final years.  When she died last year there went another link to my parents, gone forever.  Last year I also had to take apart and sell their apartment which had stuff in it unchanged for over 45 years.  Stuff from when I was a kid.  I had to say goodbye to a lot of it.  So I have experienced a LOT of loss in the past couple of years myself and it truly sucks.  You have my empathy and support on your loss as well.

You can’t force her to be honest or to be in your life. It looks like you made your efforts and she rejected them. It sucks but move on. It really sucks to mourn living people. You left the door open maybe she will come back…

[oliviabenson]

2 people asked me if we go apple picking Would you go? I said yes and I am paying you $. Both went apple picking without me and posted on SM that’s how I knew.

I joined bumble to make friends let’s see how that goes.

[oliviabenson]

https://www.theashleysrealityroundup.com/2022/11/08/gwendlyn-brown-spills-sister-wives-tea-says-she-dislikes-robyn-seemingly-confirms-janelle-has-left-kody-says-kody-is-nicer-on-the-show-than-in-real-life/
 

Kody is nicer on camera ! 

[TurtlePower]

15 minutes ago, oliviabenson said:

https://www.theashleysrealityroundup.com/2022/11/08/gwendlyn-brown-spills-sister-wives-tea-says-she-dislikes-robyn-seemingly-confirms-janelle-has-left-kody-says-kody-is-nicer-on-the-show-than-in-real-life/
 

Kody is nicer on camera ! 

Yeah. Can you imagine what they have to put up with behind closed doors? Yikes. 

[Angeltoes]

Well, that was interesting!  I'm liking Gwen a whole lot.

[Absolom]

On the Christine thread, talk got off-topic onto frozen rolls.

The ones below IMO are much better, cost less, and are easier to find.  They do need to defrost and rise, but they rise!  They taste better to me and since they rise are fluffier and more roll like.  

[Cetacean]

I guess I like Sister Schuberts because they don't need to be defrosted.  Resealable bag, grab a couple and toss them in the oven at the last minute.

[SunnyBeBe]

56 minutes ago, Absolom said:

On the Christine thread, talk got off-topic onto frozen rolls.

The ones below IMO are much better, cost less, and are easier to find.  They do need to defrost and rise, but they rise!  They taste better to me and since they rise are fluffier and more roll like.  

I’m not a big bread fan, but my mom is.  I’ll check these out.  

[SunnyBeBe]

When I was a kid, my great grandmother and grandmother made homemade biscuits, from scratch, every morning at 6:00 a.m.!  Then, another fresh batch for dinner.  Everyday, except holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas, where a traditional meal was served. Lol  It was just tradition.  I’m not sure why I never liked them very much.  Over exposed, I guess.  

Edited November 15, 2022 by SunnyBeBe

[smarty]

33 minutes ago, Cetacean said:

I guess I like Sister Schuberts because they don't need to be defrosted.  Resealable bag, grab a couple and toss them in the oven at the last minute.

I agree with preferring to cook from frozen, I'm terrible at remembering to defrost things.  I like the frozen Pillsbury biscuits for that same reason - you can throw them in the oven last minute.

[Pickleinthemiddle]

1 hour ago, Cetacean said:

I guess I like Sister Schuberts because they don't need to be defrosted.  Resealable bag, grab a couple and toss them in the oven at the last minute.

Out of all the frozen breads I think Sister Schubert's has the best taste and could sit and eat the whole pan with butter on each roll.

[SunnyBeBe]

Has anyone decided their plans for Thanksgiving?  We’re not sure yet.   Last year was not eventful.  This year may be the same.  A lot going on, plus health issues with my parents…..I’m still very covid aware, plus flu and RSV….sooooo…. 

[Absolom]

My daughter's MIL will as she has for 10 of the 12 years they have been married commandeer Thanksgiving.  The two years she didn't were for health reasons of a close family member.  We'll have store made mashed potatoes, a dry turkey, homemade and canned cranberry sauce, inedible cornbread stuffing, sweet potatoes, overly cheesy macaroni and cheese, and some cheese and green vegetable casserole, along with far too many dessert offerings.  She doesn't make all the food.  The contributions remain the same for most people year to year.  I guess there is comfort in knowing what it will be like.

[Roslyn]

My daughter is coming for Thanksgiving this year.  She hasn't been home in close to two years and she has a new boyfriend she is bringing as well.  My husband has met him, but I haven't. She promised him "My mom's Thanksgiving dinner", so that means I will be making a full spread.  Prep begins tomorrow by making noodles and I start baking on Monday.  I always make the pies the day before and we have pie for breakfast on Thanksgiving because we are too full at dinner to have dessert, so I just started the breakfast tradition years ago.

I make everything scratch made.  It's an ungodly amount of work for one meal.  But we always have a repeat dinner with leftovers the next day as well, so two big meals.

[SunnyBeBe]

Regardless, I think I’ll cook the turkey tenderloins.  They’re delicious, tender and not one morsel to waste.  And a tray of roasted veggies.  I could do homemade whipped potatoes and gravy.  And those tasty frozen rolls upthread.  For dessert, I’ll get a store bought apple pie and ice cream.  Ok, thanks for helping me decide!  Lol. This is only a fraction of our normal spread, but it’s enough.   

[Gramto6]

Oh carp!! I haven't shopped for Thanksgiving yet!! Totally forgot and then with the no water/no heat issues I wasn't 100% sure I would really be able to cook/bake and then clean up. Pump guy is coming tomorrow morning, hopefully he will get the water going again and I can run out to the store in the afternoon. It is just me, I usually bake a Hutterite Turkey thigh and a salad.  This year I have the air fryer so will do the thigh (if they still have any) and throw in a potato to bake while bakes. I am almost thinking Thanksgiving may be Friday for me this year. Will probably just get a slice of frozen chocolate cream pie for dessert....things have been so crazy lately.