Faux Life: Things That Happen On TV But Not In Reality

[walnutqueen]

Women vomiting barely exists on TV though.

 

 

When people do vomit, it is always with loud coughing sounds, like we aren't going to notice the difference between coughing and retching.

[selkie]

Only On TV can a college have the highest murder/suicide rate in the city, possibly even the state, and still carry on with business as usual. This same college will probably also have the highest ratio of stripper/prostitutes or drug dealers on campus, both among the students and the teaching staff.

 

A large percentage of their student body probably went to Cabot Cove High School or Sunnydale HS where that kind of death rate is kind of normal.

[andromeda331]

A large percentage of their student body probably went to Cabot Cove High School or Sunnydale HS where that kind of death rate is kind of normal.

 

 

Don't forget Hudson University. I'm not sure which is higher though the death rate or how many are killers. 

[Sir RaiderDuck OMS]

Only on Law and Order will Jack McCoy be in the middle of discussing a case, the phone rings and the call is always about that exact case. It's never about another case, or the bike shop calling to say his carburetor replacement is done, or the pizza guy saying "I'm at the front desk. Send the Röhmbot down" or whatever...

[Cobalt Stargazer]

A corollary to the above is that Only On TV do people turn on the news to find that something relevant to their current situation has made the news.

[Kromm]

A corollary to the above is that Only On TV do people turn on the news to find that something relevant to their current situation has made the news.

Only on TV does someone call someone else on the phone telling them to turn on Channel X (or sometimes "any channel!") and the report is still airing (in a convenient spot that doesn't even SOUND like it's in the middle) by the time they get the TV on.  Because in real life, short of natural disasters or big tragedies, a newscast moves on to something else every 90-120 seconds.  Certainly reports of crimes, political scandals, etc.

[AimingforYoko]

As I said on TWoP, the only time that worked for me in real life was June 17, 1994.

Edited August 4, 2014 by AimingforYoko

[shapeshifter]

It probably worked for a lot of people on Sept. 11, 2001. I wonder if the "turn on the news" trope increased significantly after that. Or maybe just after the advent of CNN.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Only On TV do people say things like, "She's trying to destroy me!" with a straight face.

[RubyWoo72]

Only On TV do people say things like, "She's trying to destroy me!" with a straight face.

Only on tv do people say, "She's trying to destroy me," at all. I think IRL (at least in mine), that would come out as, "Can you believe this bitch?! She don't know who she's f**kin with. " But then again, I have Friends in Low Places, so.

[topanga]

 

Only on tv does no one ever need to toss her purse and keys and go pee right after coming home.

And no one ever walks through the door of that home and think, "Damn, my living room was this messy when I left the house this morning?" TV homes are never messy unless there's a specific reason for it: the precocious teenager has been challenged with managing the household, the lazy dad has been put in charge of housework, the mom "quits," the maid quits, or there's been a tornado/earthquake/robbery.

 

Only on TV - When someone is being questioned by the police, it seems like everyone already has a lawyer they can call, and they know the phone number by heart.

 

 

Word. Sometimes I sit around and ask myself what attorney I would call if I were ever arrested. I know a retired tax attorney and an assistant D.A. I don't think either one would be helpful.

[Snowprince]

It probably worked for a lot of people on Sept. 11, 2001. I wonder if the "turn on the news" trope increased significantly after that. Or maybe just after the advent of CNN.

In my 60+ years it's only worked for 9/11, JFK, RFK, MLK and when the Challenger blew. For my parents it worked (on the radio) for Pearl Harbor. The trope is older than CNN, but those are the only "generational defining moments" times I can think of that it actually worked.

Edited August 5, 2014 by Snowprince

[ganesh]

I don't even know my own phone number, let alone who I would call.

[ganesh]

Yeah, but don't people say, "hey turn on CNN." Or "turn to channel 5." On tv they just say "turn on the tv" and it's automatically on the channel they need. 

[Kromm]

In my 60+ years it's only worked for 9/11, JFK, RFK, MLK and when the Challenger blew. For my parents it worked (on the radio) for Pearl Harbor. The trope is older than CNN, but those are the only "generational defining moments" times I can think of that it actually worked.

As I specified right in the original post, natural disasters and big tragedies are probably ALL exempt from this.  The cliche on the shows is that it's typically some moment where the news is talking about the person themselves being called, or a client they are representing, or some enemy of theirs is making some statement to the media, or some public figure that affects the plotline has had some scandal or something to say, or something of that nature.  And somehow it's still on the news, cued right up to a proper spot to get what it's about in a sound byte, 2 or 3 minutes after Person A noticed the situation, got their shit together over it, and managed to reach Person B.

Edited August 5, 2014 by Kromm

[Gulielma]

 

Yeah, but don't people say, "hey turn on CNN." Or "turn to channel 5." On tv they just say "turn on the tv" and it's automatically on the channel they need.

And the last channel they watched is never Animal Planet or Food Network or Telemundo.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Only on tv do people say, "She's trying to destroy me," at all. I think IRL (at least in mine), that would come out as, "Can you believe this bitch?! She don't know who she's f**kin with. " But then again, I have Friends in Low Places, so.

Chris Rock (I think) did a bit on this in his act, that he had a girlfriend who was really dramatic about everything. He said, "Everything had to be like something that happened on Dynasty. 'She's trying to destroy me!' And I'd be like, what do you mean, she's trying to destroy you? You work at JC Penney's in the gift-wrapping department!" I wish I had more memory retention than I do, because then I could remember all of it.,

[Snowprince]

As I specified right in the original post, natural disasters and big tragedies are probably ALL exempt from this.  The cliche on the shows is that it's typically some moment where the news is talking about the person themselves being called, or a client they are representing, or some enemy of theirs is making some statement to the media, or some public figure that affects the plotline has had some scandal or something to say, or something of that nature.  And somehow it's still on the news, cued right up to a proper spot to get what it's about in a sound byte, 2 or 3 minutes after Person A noticed the situation, got their shit together over it, and managed to reach Person B.

1,000 pardons.....

[RubyWoo72]

Chris Rock (I think) did a bit on this in his act, that he had a girlfriend who was really dramatic about everything. He said, "Everything had to be like something that happened on Dynasty. 'She's trying to destroy me!' And I'd be like, what do you mean, she's trying to destroy you? You work at JC Penney's in the gift-wrapping department!" I wish I had more memory retention than I do, because then I could remember all of it.,

That's hilarious! I'll bet I could YouTube it and find it...

[scarynikki12]

I think it was the bit about how women keep platonic (male) friends forever because "you never know" while they dump girlfriends constantly (cause Pam thinks she's cute, the delivery of which always cracks me up), though I could be wrong.  He talks about gender dynamics quite a lot and it all runs together after a while.

[shapeshifter]

1,000 pardons.....

So say we all. Or at least me, since I'm the one that got us off on a tangent.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

I think it was the bit about how women keep platonic (male) friends forever because "you never know"

Yes! He called it "a dick in a glass case."

[Kromm]

1,000 pardons.....

S'okay, we all occasionally misread a post or reply to a reply to a post not having actually seen the original one occasionally.  Heck, this topic is getting big, so I bet its gonna happen a lot.

 

So speaking of the News cliches, since we've exhausted "turn on Channel X, quick!" and we've done the more general version ("Only On TV do people turn on the news to find that something relevant to their current situation has made the news."), we're still missing one.  The one where because it's TV you have something having to do with them ironically pop up on a TV right after a character walks away or gets distracted.  Probably the most used version of this is a live shot of them on TV (or a shot of the outside of the building they are in), but it could also be someone they know on TV where they just don't see it even though it's playing behind their heads.

Similarly, there's the "doesn't know they are on the Jumbotron" version at Sports Events.  I know that one's been used a lot.

Actually, I've had the Jumbotron thing happen to me personally at a game once. The difference is that everyone in your area is screaming at you to look up, and to be honest it's usually just you doing something boring or looking unaware for a few seconds, whereas the "only on TV" version has some kind of broad comedy going on when that Jumbotron hits someone unaware.

[shapeshifter]

There was an entire plot of an episode of Monk based on the killer being seen on the Jumbotron. He hacked into the power grid more than once to make sure nobody would see and recognize him. When they take a trope and use it that way in a dramedy, it is completely appropriate in my book.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

That's hilarious! I'll bet I could YouTube it and find it...

Now that the forums are back, I can post this:

 

 

NSFW, so don't click it unless you have headphones.

[Raja]

And no one ever walks through the door of that home and think, "Damn, my living room was this messy when I left the house this morning?" TV homes are never messy unless there's a specific reason for it: the precocious teenager has been challenged with managing the household, the lazy dad has been put in charge of housework, the mom "quits," the maid quits, or there's been a tornado/earthquake/robbery.

Word. Sometimes I sit around and ask myself what attorney I would call if I were ever arrested. I know a retired tax attorney and an assistant D.A. I don't think either one would be helpful.

I remember one Law &Order episode where the family attorney said to stop until I find you a criminal attorney. And half of the time the suspect is on his third stike. But just the lower middle class guys, would we ask for a Public Defender?

In my 60+ years it's only worked for 9/11, JFK, RFK, MLK and when the Challenger blew. For my parents it worked (on the radio) for Pearl Harbor. The trope is older than CNN, but those are the only "generational defining moments" times I can think of that it actually worked.

You must have been on duty when the beatings started on Florence and Normandy

[Snowprince]

You must have been on duty when the beatings started on Florence and Normandy

I was working morning (graveyard) watch when the world blew up, so I wasn't on duty at the time but could see it coming. It was just a question of when. The W/C called me at home to tell me we'd been mobilized so instead of our regular roll call time of 2330 (11:30 PM), "B" watch roll call would be at 1800 (6:00 PM). "A" watch was 0600 - 1800, "B" watch was 1800 - 0600. After the second night since I could see we would be at battle stations for a long time, I got a motel room in the division and didn't go home for about 10 days.

Edited August 6, 2014 by Snowprince

[shapeshifter]

From the Under the Dome thread:

Hey, Barbie, if you are so sure that Sam is up to no good and may want to kill you, then, when you notice the scratch marks on Sam's shoulder, maybe you should wait until you are above ground, in broad daylight, with witnesses, before you let Sam know that you know what he did last Tuesday.

Only on TV does someone who realizes they are in a small space with a killer (who is pretending to be a good guy) between them and the exit say, "You are a killer, aren't you!"

[Kromm]

I'm gonna do a risky one (because it's Reality TV, and thus a cousin to real life even if not).

 

I think TV talent shows (or possible on shows like Glee) are typically the only place people say "Now it's Your Time To Shine!" 

 

Not that local talent showcases all over the place probably don't have people trying to boost up voice and dance students with inspirational statements, but IF they use that phrase it's probably a direct effect of having seen it used on TV so much.  So maybe rather than being an "Only On TV" this is a "Popularized By TV".  But we don't really have a separate topic for "Popularized By TV".

[ganesh]

On on tv when someone wants to Burn Something do they douse it in gasoline and then *throw* a lighter into it. Because they never miss or the lighter might go out while flying through the air.

[Sir RaiderDuck OMS]

From the Under the Dome thread:Only on TV does someone who realizes they are in a small space with a killer (who is pretending to be a good guy) between them and the exit say, "You are a killer, aren't you!"

I always wondered why Jessica Fletcher would confront the murderer in private with no witnesses. That seems to be the dumbest thing you could do.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

I always wondered why Jessica Fletcher would confront the murderer in private with no witnesses. That seems to be the dumbest thing you could do.

Probably because she was a serial killer herself. People dropped like flies wherever she went, there had to be a reason for that.

[yourpointis]

I always wondered why Jessica Fletcher would confront the murderer in private with no witnesses. That seems to be the dumbest thing you could do.

 

Probably because she was a serial killer herself. People dropped like flies wherever she went, there had to be a reason for that.

 

 

 

Jessica was a mastermind at proving innocent people guilty of her crimes.

[ganesh]

Only on tv are siblings complete opposites. One will be a Professional and the other a Fuck Up. You can tell because they will wear untucked shirts for men or loose pants for women. Or lots of bracelets and necklaces. 

 

The Professional won't Have Time For This when the Fuck Up needs to crash with them because their s/o threw them out (again) or needs money because This Time They're Serious. The Fuck Up will say how the Professional has their life all together, but Doesn't Know How To Live. The Professional will say that you Can't Get By In Life because they Never Took Anything Seriously. They will Learn From Each Other. 

 

But they'll only be a year apart. I know the capitalization is off putting, but you know you can totally hear the dialogue of 1000 tv shows. 

Edited August 8, 2014 by ganesh

[shapeshifter]

Only on tv are siblings complete opposites.

My sister and I are pretty opposite. For example, I was living in a hippy commune while she was working in a bank, and even now, I'm struggling to work through chronic pain so I don't become a bag lady while she's comfortably retired and was able to buy a house for her daughter.

And my 3 daughters are all opposites--although I suppose that's not theoretically possible.

[BoogieBurns]

And my 3 daughters are all opposites--although I suppose that's not theoretically possible.

 

I have 2 sisters and we are all 3 very different, and close in age. I suppose you can't tell how different we are based on the number of bracelets we wear, but talking to us for 5 minutes would show you that we are 3 opposites. Let's pretend there is a third pole. Lol. 

[ganesh]

Only on tv, when someone is at the bar drinking alone, it means they're Troubled. And only on tv will they tell the bartender to "just bring the bottle."

[RubyWoo72]

Only on tv are black Chuck Taylor high-tops the signature shoes for all adolescent ne'er-do-wells.

[GreekGeek]

Families on TV tend to have 3 kids: one jock (male) or pretty popular girl (female); one brain/nerd; and one wild card.

[kiddo82]

I'm gonna do a risky one (because it's Reality TV, and thus a cousin to real life even if not).

 

I think TV talent shows (or possible on shows like Glee) are typically the only place people say "Now it's Your Time To Shine!" 

 

Not that local talent showcases all over the place probably don't have people trying to boost up voice and dance students with inspirational statements, but IF they use that phrase it's probably a direct effect of having seen it used on TV so much.  So maybe rather than being an "Only On TV" this is a "Popularized By TV".  But we don't really have a separate topic for "Popularized By TV".

Popularized by reality shows? The terms "connection" for dating and "journey" for life experience. I'm sure we all used those words before, but only on TV is their use super duper concentrated.

[Kromm]

Popularized by reality shows? The terms "connection" for dating and "journey" for life experience. I'm sure we all used those words before, but only on TV is their use super duper concentrated.

Not just concentrated but twisted.  Those are great examples because I bet the ONLY time anyone off of reality TV uses those #&^#*&ing phrases in those ways might be if various dating websites (for "connection") or weight loss websites (for "journey") have adopted them.

[shapeshifter]

Is it only on TV/Movies/e-readers that a family member is kidnapped to get a parent/child/sibling to reveal something that will annihilate the population of a large city? This came up on the Defiance board this week.

Every time I see it, I hold my breath hoping that this time the threatened character will say something like, "Go ahead and kill him/her. You don't know how many times I wanted to do it myself. Mom always loved him/her best," and mean it. Same for a parent or child. I mean, aren't most murders committed by family members?

[ganesh]

Only on tv do people totally make out in public. Like in the middle of a train station or the airport. Or on a footbridge so they're in the way of pedestrians. And I'm no prude, but come on.

 

Come to think of it, only on tv do people rush to the airport just in time to be the last person to board and then make a huge speech in the middle of the plane and no one cares!

[blueray]

Is it only on TV/Movies/e-readers that a family member is kidnapped to get a parent/child/sibling to reveal something that will annihilate the population of a large city? This came up on the Defiance board this week.

Every time I see it, I hold my breath hoping that this time the threatened character will say something like, "Go ahead and kill him/her. You don't know how many times I wanted to do it myself. Mom always loved him/her best," and mean it. Same for a parent or child. I mean, aren't most murders committed by family members?

That made me think of Lost when Ben says as his "daughter" has a gun to her head "she means nothing to me" and it's clearly not true. Of course

She gets shot and killed anyway

.

Edited August 9, 2014 by blueray

[Kromm]

 

Only on TV/Movies/e-readers

We could shorthand that as "Only in Fiction"... and then take the extra step of just using "Only on TV" with the assumption we all know that there's going to be some cross-pollination with other forms of popular fiction.  There probably IS a tiny subset that really truly is ever only TV, but by and large I think we've really MEANT "Only in Fiction" all along.  But this IS a TV board, so it's more focused to talk about it in those terms.

 

I mean take the one I opened the entire thread with-the FBI windbreaker placed on the back of some rescued victim.  I'm sure this has been in a few movies (at the very least, The Fugitive, which was based on a TV show anyway).  But it's just not real life.  That's the important thing.  TV is the place where you can just flip on any old show and if there's a scene with the Feds rescuing someone, there's a pretty damn good chance it's gonna end with someone sitting on the back tailgate of an ambulance with a blanket wrapped around them being consoled by one of our heroes (probably the more realistic scenario of the two), or being walked around in the scenery of the background wearing that FBI windbreaker, while our heroes sum up the situation in the foreground.

Edited August 9, 2014 by Kromm

[janie jones]

Only on TV do people leave the keys to their cars pinned between the visor and the ceiling.  WTF.

[Sir RaiderDuck OMS]

Only on TV do people leave the keys to their cars pinned between the visor and the ceiling.  WTF.

I hear they're going to introduce "pockets" for the 2015/2016 season.

[Haleth]

Only on tv are siblings complete opposites.

 

Oh, I wouldn't say that it's only on tv.

Is it only on TV/Movies/e-readers that a family member is kidnapped to get a parent/child/sibling to reveal something that will annihilate the population of a large city? This came up on the Defiance board this week.

Every time I see it, I hold my breath hoping that this time the threatened character will say something like, "Go ahead and kill him/her. You don't know how many times I wanted to do it myself. Mom always loved him/her best," and mean it. Same for a parent or child. I mean, aren't most murders committed by family members?

 

I immediately thought of Ben Linus too. 

Only on TV do people leave the keys to their cars pinned between the visor and the ceiling.  WTF.

 

Good way to lock yourself out of the car.

[DittyDotDot]

Only on TV do people leave the keys to their cars pinned between the visor and the ceiling.  WTF.

 

Probably better than the way many people around here do it and leave the keys in the ignition.

[shapeshifter]

I immediately thought of Ben Linus too.

But he didn't mean that he didn't care. He was hoping to fake out the shooter and spare her life, IMO. I meant that since a huge proportion of murders are committed by family members, it seems like there would also be quite a few instances of, for instance:

A burglar breaks into a home and tells the wife, "Give me your diamonds and the combination to the safe or I'll kill your husband," to which she would reply to the nonplussed burglar, "How about I give you this diamond bracelet, you shoot my husband and tie me to this chair, which, in about 20 minutes, I will be able to drag to where my cell phone is on the bed, call 911, and tell them you had a black ski mask with sunglasses."