Faux Life: Things That Happen On TV But Not In Reality

[Shannon L.]

 

Only on tv do women not have to prop their leg up on the shower wall in order to shave. Nor do they use shaving cream, even when extolling the virtues of some fancy razor.

That's because all women take luxurious bubble baths and simply raise their legs into the air when shaving.  As for shaving cream, I've never used it.

[MaryPatShelby]

That's because all women take luxurious bubble baths and simply raise their legs into the air when shaving.  As for shaving cream, I've never used it.

Me neither. I feel ridiculous now.

[RubyWoo72]

That's because all women take luxurious bubble baths and simply raise their legs into the air when shaving. As for shaving cream, I've never used it.

Lol!! I'll use soap, or conditioner, or actual shaving cream--whatever's available. But I saw a commercial yesterday for Venus razors, and the lady was standing upright, with a few dewy drops of water on her body, just draaagging that damned razor up her leg. No lather, barely any water, and miraculously no blood. It would look like a horror movie if I did that IRL.

[Shannon L.]

 

But I saw a commercial yesterday for Venus razors, and the lady was standing upright, with a few dewy drops of water on her body, just draaagging that damned razor up her leg.  No lather, barely any water, and miraculously no blood. It would look like a horror movie if I did that IRL.

Ah, I see.  I tried that once and only once.  No blood, but damn did my legs burn for a long time that day! 

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Only On TV are hijinks always wacky.

[ganesh]

There are no happy marriages on tv. Relationships are so fragile that a broken plate will have the couples sprinting to counseling.

 

Every woman with a career on tv aspires to star in their own Enjoli commercial. 

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Only On TV can a college have the highest murder/suicide rate in the city, possibly even the state, and still carry on with business as usual. This same college will probably also have the highest ratio of stripper/prostitutes or drug dealers on campus, both among the students and the teaching staff.

[Kel Varnsen]

Only On TV can a college have the highest murder/suicide rate in the city, possibly even the state, and still carry on with business as usual. This same college will probably also have the highest ratio of stripper/prostitutes or drug dealers on campus, both among the students and the teaching staff.

Similar thing for police officers. A cop can be involved in an officer-involved-shooting on an almost weekly basis, and no one will ever thing maybe it is time to move that guy to a desk job. 

 

Prisons too, people in prison can be killed on a regular basis, and no one thinks maybe it is time to shut it down at least clean house when it comes to management.

[Shannon L.]

Speaking of colleges, only on tv can students put off researching and applying to colleges until mid-senior year or later and still get in. 

[blueray]

Also in tv shows friends always go to the same colleges (you'd think they all wouldn't necessary get in).

[RubyWoo72]

Speaking of colleges, only on tv can students put off researching and applying to colleges until mid-senior year or later and still get in.

(Much to my son's surprise. But hey, what do I know? It's not like I have degrees or anything.)

Only on tv are babies already 4 months old and free of any type of womb fluids when they're "born".

[Rick Kitchen]

Only on TV are all stores independent and not part of a chain.  And all stores keep all of their sales information on pieces of paper, handwritten, which includes the name, address and phone number of each customer, just so the police can rifle through the shoe box the store keeps its receipts in just so they can pull out the proper one to run down their perp.  And only on TV do all customers always provide the true, full information, and never lie.

[ganesh]

Only on tv when people have to order food when they're late at work, no one suggests a healthy option. 

[AimingforYoko]

Only on tv when people have to order food when they're late at work, no one suggests a healthy option.

That's because there's only two options: Pizza or Chinese.

[dalek]

Only on tv does dropping acid inevitably make you want to jump out a closed window.

[RubyWoo72]

Only on tv does dropping acid inevitably make you want to jump out a closed window.

Which, of course, never has a screen.

[Kromm]

Only on tv when people have to order food when they're late at work, no one suggests a healthy option. 

I don't know if that's necessarily true.  We've got characters who are somewhat marginalized on TV shows as health freaks/vegetarians, and some shows will milk that for comedy with jokes about them wanting only to eat Tofuburgers or salad.  I think salads are mentioned a lot in scenes with people eating food as a shortcut to showing them as quirky, and I have to think there's been a "what do you want me to order" scene or dozen with someone asking for "a salad".

That's because there's only two options: Pizza or Chinese.

If it's an hip urban setting, add "Thai place down the block".

[ganesh]

The bad guy will chase the good guy and shoot his gun wildly. Then when he finally corners/catches the good guy, he will be out of bullets.

[Rick Kitchen]

And will throw his gun at the guy.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

They used to do this on the original Superman show. The bad guy would shoot at him until he ran out of bullets, and then he'd throw the gun at him. And Superman would always duck.

[GreekGeek]

I have to think there's been a "what do you want me to order" scene or dozen with someone asking for "a salad".

 

This was lampooned on Seinfeld, with Elaine asking for "a big salad."

Speaking of eating on the job, a coroner will sometimes show how hardened he or she is by eating lunch right next to a corpse.

[Kromm]

This was lampooned on Seinfeld, with Elaine asking for "a big salad."

Speaking of eating on the job, a coroner will sometimes show how hardened he or she is by eating lunch right next to a corpse.

Okay, now that you've gotten us started on coroners/medical examiners, there are TONS for this category.

 

1.) They are either super-straight laced humorless types OR charming oddballs.  The oddballs usually are the rebels and there's a kind of subversive thing against the humorless ones.  The one exception to  that split is sometimes the supervisor/boss character, who's a paper-pushing bureaucrat, but winds up covering the rebel's ass.  These cliches go all the way back to Quincy, and have been on EVERY M.E. show, and most cop shows with these characters, since (except on the cop shows the oddball usually won't have an on-screen boss and will just be the oddball the cops have to deal with).

 

2.) There's always some scene where a heart or a brain gets held up, or dropped in a pan, in front of some non-medical character.  Also, at some point someone unqualified is asked to hold a clamp or something around an opened up body (or maybe hold the actual pan that the previously mentioned heart or brain is dropped into while they are holding it).  None of this would EVER happen except on TV, because in real life there'd be tons of more qualified people around to assist.

 

3.) Only on TV will the ME and cop inevitably get into regular "fights" where the cop pushes the ME to speculate/give a preliminary result right on the spot.  I'm sure real cops understand the process much better, and I'm sure real ME's understand much more perfectly what kinds of preliminary info they actually CAN give.

 

There are probably dozens more of these with this type of character. These are just the ones that came quickly to mind.

Edited July 30, 2014 by Kromm

[kiddo82]

Speaking of eating on the job, a coroner will sometimes show how hardened he or she is by eating lunch right next to a corpse.

When I was in grad school, my gross anatomy TA would eat her lunch in the middle of cadaver lab. Grossed us all out.

[Sandman87]

Only On TV can a college have the highest murder/suicide rate in the city, possibly even the state, and still carry on with business as usual.

Similarly, only on TV can a town be absolutely infested with demons, vampires, and other assorted murdering monsters, and yet the citizens will go about their daily business as if nothing were wrong.

 

Similar thing for police officers. A cop can be involved in an officer-involved-shooting on an almost weekly basis, and no one will ever thing maybe it is time to move that guy to a desk job. 

Just like a character can "just happen to be in the vicinity" of murders as they occur on a weekly basis, and yet remain above suspicion.

 

And will throw his gun at the guy.

I've read that this used to be a thing. Back when revolvers were the gun of choice, a bad guy would carry several of them, and would drop the empties or throw them at the police while drawing the next loaded pistol. It was faster than reloading.

[ganesh]

Teens on tv talk nothing like teens irl unless one is the main character. The she/he speaks "normal" and "teen". 

 

And every teen girl is passive-agressive.

[Kromm]

While cliques exist in real life, only on TV do they SO conveniently illustrate themselves that you can do a table by table establishment shot which succeeds in describing the entire social structure of a school.

 

Real life is far more vague.

[Joe]

On TV, the emergency services all drive like maniacs when they have the lights and sirens going. But in real life, I've noticed that they're a lot more careful. I suppose because they have to factor in all the random real life drivers around them, and their own skill levels at speed.

[Kromm]

On TV, the emergency services all drive like maniacs when they have the lights and sirens going. But in real life, I've noticed that they're a lot more careful. I suppose because they have to factor in all the random real life drivers around them, and their own skill levels at speed.

A caveat to that is that in real life, while they aren't necessarily driving badly, I've seen any number of ambulances (worst of all, private ones) abusing their lights and sirens during non-emergencies (just to move through traffic, in other words).  I actually DO think I've seen that on TV though, usually milked for humor.

[janie jones]

Speaking of colleges, only on tv can students put off researching and applying to colleges until mid-senior year or later and still get in. 

Well it worked for me in real life!

Edited July 31, 2014 by janie jones

[ToxicUnicorn]

Only on TV can a woman take off her glasses and thus be transformed instantly into a gorgeous, wanton woman who is ready RIGHT NOW.  She, like, never stands there hesitantly or excuses herself for a quick change or asks for a glass of wine or something first, because, RIGHT NOW! 

[RubyWoo72]

Only on TV can a woman take off her glasses and thus be transformed instantly into a gorgeous, wanton woman who is ready RIGHT NOW. She, like, never stands there hesitantly or excuses herself for a quick change or asks for a glass of wine or something first, because, RIGHT NOW!

And don't forget the bun she has tightly wrapped, which she'll unravel, hands-free, to reveal waist - length sultry locks.

Edited July 31, 2014 by RubyWoo72

[Raja]

Are the flight attendants on the most prestigious routes 21 year old supermodels

[ABay]

Which, of course, never has a screen.

Yes @RubyWoo72! Only on TV do windows and doors never have screens, unless it's a decrepit screen door flapping in the wind to denote desertion, poverty, and/or scary happenings.

 

Also Only on TV are 95% of the MEs female.

[mansonlamps]

Are the flight attendants on the most prestigious routes 21 year old supermodels

Only if we have time traveled back about 35 - 50 years.

[Princess Sparkle]

It you're a very smart, borderline genius, person you pretty much know everything about anything, even things outside your given area of study.

 

One of the best/worst episodes of Law and Order: SVU had the medical examiner identifying  a tiger based on the bite patter (or the saliva, I can't remember which).  Because I'm assuming right after medical school, she was a zoologist for a short period of time.  

[Kromm]

Wait. You mean that Bones lady on Bones, and that Dr. Isles lady on Rizolli & Isles don't actually have degrees in 'Everythingology'?

[Raja]

Only if we have time traveled back about 35 - 50 years.

check out my guilty pleasure Taxi Brooklyn where one of an ex con cab drivers girlfriends was such a model from Paris

[Mulva]

Just like a character can "just happen to be in the vicinity" of murders as they occur on a weekly basis, and yet remain above suspicion.

I still maintain that Jessica Fletcher was America's most prolific serial killer.

I hope to see a Criminal Minds episode featuring a kindly old grandmother as the perp.

Only on TV can the hero sustain massive head trauma every other week, wake up, be ready to fight crime/stop terrorism/etc. and have no lingering side effects.

Edited July 31, 2014 by Mulva

[BatmanBeatles]

When people faint, they never get a concussion.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Wait. You mean that Bones lady on Bones, and that Dr. Isles lady on Rizolli & Isles don't actually have degrees in 'Everythingology'?

 

Of course they do. They got their degrees in Everythingology at the same place Greg House did.

When people faint, they never get a concussion.

When women faint, it's always because they're pregnant.

[Sweet Tee]

I'll have you know that Greg House was terrible at bowling, thank you :-p. But aside from that, you're totally right.

[GreekGeek]

When women faint, it's always because they're pregnant.

 

Ditto for when they vomit. 

[Kromm]

Ditto for when they vomit. 

Women vomiting barely exists on TV though.  Vomit seems to be the province of Rookie cops seeing a violent crime scene for the first time, and it's usually (for effect) a big strapping young guy, to drive home the message that "it's tough being around dead bodies".  Meanwhile some petite little female medical examiner (usually) calmly sits there exchanging a wry expression with some grizzled older cop (who admittedly can be either gender).  

Edited August 1, 2014 by Kromm

[Snowprince]

Rolled on a double homicide where one of the witnesses was a Marine SSgt. The fruit salad on his chest included Vietnam Service and Vietnam Campaign ribbons. Had to wait a few minutes to take his statement....he wasn't through puking.    

[Kromm]

I keep waiting for a crime set in downtown Detroit. 'It was a close knit neighborhood where everyone knew everyone else and no one even locked their doors and there was no crime to speak of!  And the victim may have been a street prostitute on crack, but everybody just loved her! She was adored by all!  No one would want to hurt her, no one!!!!'

In the brief time it was on the air, it's a shame Detroit 1-8-7 didn't do that!  It's fiction, I know, and you specified True Crime, but it still would have been sweet.

[SVNBob]

Only on TV, whether it's fiction or a true crime reenactment, the police never turn the lights on when searching a house and examining a crime scene. It is always dark and they have to use a flashlight.  Because light switches are for sissies.

I know CSI started this trend, and they actually had a reasonable explanation for why they do that.  Small bits of evidence tend to show up better in a dark room under a directed light beam than in a lit room under the diffuse light.

 

Here's the thing, it actually seems to work.  I've lost small objects in a well-lit room and cannot see them at all.  But when I turned off the lights and used a flashlight to look, in the exact same spots, I found the objects

[DittyDotDot]

Way to use your TV knowledge in a real world situation, @SVNBob, I love it when I learn something that's actually useful!

 

Only on TV does "true love" mean the two parties must, beyond all reason, be together. No matter the cost, no matter if others get hurt or dead in the process..it's true love and that's the way true love works--otherwise it's not "true love".

[shapeshifter]

When women faint, it's always because they're pregnant.

and never because they have their periods. Even Dr House and Dr Isles would never suggest that. Edited August 1, 2014 by shapeshifter

[janie jones]

Wait.  Women faint because of their periods?  You mean in real life?

[RubyWoo72]

I loved Detroit 187, it was a shame that it didn't make it.

I loved it too. I don't understand why that show didn't make it, and how the hell Rookie Blue is still on.