Faux Life: Things That Happen On TV But Not In Reality

[MaryPatShelby]

On 7/7/2016 at 9:40 AM, DittyDotDot said:

Years ago, my workplace was broken into and one of my fellow employees was quite disappointed they didn't take any fingerprints off the safe and/or fingerprint all of us to rule us out. He was even more disappointed we didn't get a robbery detective coming in asking us all questions and grilling us for weeks on end. ;)

That's sad, because during that grilling the cops would have followed you all over the office, and you could have said at any time "Are we done here? I really have to get to a meeting/file these papers/bang on my keyboard/stand on my head."

Edited July 9, 2016 by MaryPatShelby

[selkie]

On 7/7/2016 at 10:01 PM, kiddo82 said:

Thought of this one while out for my run tonight:

Only on TV (or more likely on TV) are people murdered right there on the courthouse steps.  The defendant has just gotten off on a technicality or due to some crafty defense work and is smirking his way down the steps of the courthouse to freedom when BLAMO!  Shot fired.

 

When I was a teenager, one of the noteworthy local murders of the year was a judge shot inside her courtroom- nothing to do with one of her cases but rather she was killed by her estranged husband because he apparently was really unhappy with how the divorce was going.

[ganesh]

You know a guy is harried because his tie is loose and the top button is undone.

[Shannon L.]

If you need to hire a nanny/babysitter, then you will sit through a string of bad interviews that run the range from Nazi to free-loving hippy until you finally find Mary Poppins-perfection. 

Everyone who is wealthy is automatically a shady person somehow and if they are nice, then it must be an act.  They also have obviously never done anything that "real" people do. 

[fishcakes]

Maybe this is just 70s era crime shows, but:

A blow to the head always renders the victim immediately unconscious but not dead.

Any time a woman sees a dead body, she will scream hysterically until someone with testicles calmly calls the police.

[ABay]

Only on TV are people routinely knocked unconscious by a punch to the jaw.

[merylinkid]

But have no lingering effects.   No concussions nothing.  Just rub your jaw and little and move on.   Pam Oliver got hit with a football in the face, not even knocked unconscious, she had a concussion.  

[DittyDotDot]

Getting whacked by a shovel--or any blunt object--has no lingering effects either. Only knocks you out for a few minutes, but good to go once you come to.

[ganesh]

If you're working in the yard, you will invariably step on a rake and the handle will smack you in the face.

[shapeshifter]

44 minutes ago, DittyDotDot said:

Getting whacked by a shovel--or any blunt object--has no lingering effects either. Only knocks you out for a few minutes, but good to go once you come to.

 

6 minutes ago, ganesh said:

If you're working in the yard, you will invariably step on a rake and the handle will smack you in the face.

And in either case, there will be no visible swelling to the face or missing teeth. 

[Cobalt Stargazer]

On 7/8/2016 at 6:27 AM, merylinkid said:

It's a technicality unless it affects you personally.   I so hate when they say "a technicality" because the search warrant wasn't obtained properly.   Okay fine, the cops can just come into your house any time they want then.

These "technicalities" stem from the basic premise of "innocent until proven guilty in a court of law."   So the cops have to do their jobs right.   The prosecution has the burden of proving the case beyond a reasonably doubt.  The Defendant does not have to prove innocence.   If the cops screw up or the prosecution does not carry their burden, the person is INNOCENT.   Not freed on a technicality.

I watch a lot (a lot) of Law & Order in syndication, and seriously every time the main suspect gets out on bail or is released on their own recognizance instead of being kept in custody, they're usually guilty but the cops didn't have a proper warrant/permission to search the suspect's car/got a shrink to break confidentiality. Maybe that's why its Only On TV.

2 hours ago, DittyDotDot said:

Getting whacked by a shovel--or any blunt object--has no lingering effects either. Only knocks you out for a few minutes, but good to go once you come to.

You can also get punched in the face by someone who's a lot stronger than you are because of supernatural reasons, but even though it immediately knocks you unconscious, you suffer no ill effects otherwise.

[Joe]

6 hours ago, ABay said:

Only on TV are people routinely knocked unconscious by a punch to the jaw.

I've watched a good bit of UFC, and this is actually partially true. A blow to the jaw does knock some people down straight away. But not everyone.

[Shannon L.]

All new mother and fathers are clueless about how to handle newborns (how to dress them, change diapers etc) and the good parents are the ones whose hearts break if they let their little one cry for more than a minute or two.  Good parents also get weepy and sad when it's time to go back to work or when it's time for the kid to go to school full time.  No one is ever competent and comfortable at handling newborns and we almost never see someone who is happy to get back to work or to get those 6 or so hours to themselves when school starts or anyone who comfortably sits flipping through a magazine when the time comes to let their baby cry it out. 

[ChromaKelly]

If you live in SoapLand, there are always fresh flower arrangements placed in your house, crystal decanters for your alcohol, and pitchers of water and glasses conveniently nearby for when you need to take a drink and thoughtfully pause/remember your next line.

[CoderLady]

Only on TV is the ice bucket on the home drinks table or bar always magically full of fresh ice cubes. Who fills that damn thing?

[ABay]

I've always wanted to live in a soap opera because your house is always beautiful and so are you and your partner, you have a ton of money but only have to work an hour a day at some glamorous career that you're completely unqualified for, and any children you have will age much more quickly than you do. Yes, there are the occasional pitfalls like blindness, amnesia, kidnapping, or coma but as long as you're on contract none of them will last longer than 6 weeks.

ATWT, I miss you.

Edited July 12, 2016 by ABay

[Cobalt Stargazer]

2 hours ago, ABay said:

I've always wanted to live in a soap opera because your house is always beautiful and so are you and your partner, you have a ton of money but only have to work an hour a day at some glamorous career that you're completely unqualified for, and any children you have will age much more quickly than you do. Yes, there are the occasional pitfalls like blindness, amnesia, kidnapping, or coma but as long as you're on contract none of them will last longer than 6 weeks.

ATWT, I miss you.

Aw, As The World Turns.

Also, in SoapLand,  corporations can be run out of people's apartments, which is probably why the least qualified people find themselves as CEOs. When all you need is business cards and a FAX machine, you too can be the president of your own company.

[DearEvette]

Yeah, not only can these coporations be run out of apartments, but these global, multi-billion dollar corporations are all situated in very small towns.

[Shannon L.]

And you'll wear large, clip on earrings so that you can easily slip them off before taking/making a phone call.

[atomationage]

And you can get your leg blown off, and it will grow back, your blindness/deafness/coma will be cured by the best surgeon, even though he might be a bad guy trying to kill other people, or working for villains on the side, and best of all, death is only temporary.   I loved this one:

any children you have will age much more quickly than you do.

Edited July 12, 2016 by atomationage

[Quof]

Quote

And you'll wear large, clip on earrings so that you can easily slip them off before taking/making a phone call.

What in the hell is that all about??? I wear earrings all the time, pierced rather than clip-on, and of various sizes.  I have never felt my ability to talk on the phone was compromised by my earring.

[Bastet]

Quote

and best of all, death is only temporary.

Plus, you die (until the next time you come back) in really interesting ways.  Sure, some will be more banal -- getting shot, falling off a cliff, crashing your car -- but you may be eaten by a shark, stabbed by a puppet, or turned into a shrunken head. 

[shapeshifter]

38 minutes ago, Quof said:

4 hours ago, Shannon L. said:

And you'll wear large, clip on earrings so that you can easily slip them off before taking/making a phone call.

What in the hell is that all about??? I wear earrings all the time, pierced rather than clip-on, and of various sizes.  I have never felt my ability to talk on the phone was compromised by my earring.

I suspect @Shannon L. saw the same recent rerun of a Murder She Wrote episode in which that was a plot point. IIRC, the killer lost her identical pierced version during the murder, and so scooped up the clip on by the phone to avoid looking suspicious.

[caci]

When most people wore clip ons, there were numerous scenes in which an actress would take off her earring to talk on the phone.  It was very common.  I think it was esp. common if the earring was large and chunky but close to the ear.  

[Shannon L.]

1 hour ago, Quof said:

What in the hell is that all about??? I wear earrings all the time, pierced rather than clip-on, and of various sizes.  I have never felt my ability to talk on the phone was compromised by my earring.

Yeah, I was a teenager in the 80s when big earrings were a thing and I never felt like I had to take them off, either (and I had pierced ears, too).

34 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

I suspect @Shannon L. saw the same recent rerun of a Murder She Wrote episode in which that was a plot point. IIRC, the killer lost her identical pierced version during the murder, and so scooped up the clip on by the phone to avoid looking suspicious.

You know, I've never seen an episode of Murder She Wrote. Sounds interesting.

[merylinkid]

Quote

 I wear earrings all the time, pierced rather than clip-on, and of various sizes.  I have never felt my ability to talk on the phone was compromised by my earring.

Ya'all have never stabbed yourself in the head with your earrings when pressing the phone to your ear.  

[zxy556575]

On 7/12/2016 at 11:24 AM, ChromaKelly said:

If you live in SoapLand, there are always fresh flower arrangements placed in your house, crystal decanters for your alcohol, and pitchers of water and glasses conveniently nearby for when you need to take a drink and thoughtfully pause/remember your next line.

Ha! The cut flower arrangements always kill me.

[atomationage]

Only on TV can you have your very own doppelganger, or someone can have plastic surgery to look EXACTLY like you so that your closest friends and relatives can't tell the difference.   The past can also be changed to eliminate pesky details that are no longer convenient.  You can even have different memories.  

[meep.meep]

On 7/12/2016 at 11:08 AM, ABay said:

I've always wanted to live in a soap opera because your house is always beautiful and so are you and your partner, you have a ton of money but only have to work an hour a day at some glamorous career that you're completely unqualified for, and any children you have will age much more quickly than you do.

Yes but also remember that your baby will be kidnapped.   And, there will be at least one person in your family with a previously unknown identical twin - usually it's the twin of someone who died unexpectedly  in a quick accident a few years earlier.

But, since you live in a soap opera, once you get your baby back from the kidnappers, and it grows (rapidly) to adulthood, it can attend a great accredited university right in the same small town that you live in.  And all the kids from the same high school class will also attend.  And they'll all continue to live at home.  That's the real reason for the plethora of crystal alcohol decanters.

[ganesh]

You can't kill off a character who obviously should die based on the circumstances you wrote, so you wound him and he has a patch in his eye.

Edited July 16, 2016 by ganesh

[selkie]

If anyone has not seen the movie 'Soapdish' you've missed a really funny and yet affectionate take on 'the stories'. And one all time great quote from soap writer Rose (Whoopi Goldberg):

Quote

The guy was killed in an auto accident! I looked it up! He was driving in the Yukon, in a pink convertible, to visit his brother who's an ex-con named Frances, when a tractor trailer comes along and decapitates him. You know what that mean, it means he doesn't have a head. How am I suppose to write for a guy who doesn't have a head? He's got no lips, no vocal cords. What do you want me to do?

[caci]

That was one of the funniest scenes in a movie!  Robert Downey was also pretty funny in his response.

[atomationage]

RDowney, character:  They froze the head.  They put in on ice, then they put it back on in a precedent setting two day operation.

 

Edited July 16, 2016 by atomationage
to get quote more exact

[Popples]

I love this film and you guys are making me want to watch it again; luckily it's on demand! Thank you all!

[Cobalt Stargazer]

19 hours ago, selkie said:

If anyone has not seen the movie 'Soapdish' you've missed a really funny and yet affectionate take on 'the stories'. And one all time great quote from soap writer Rose (Whoopi Goldberg):

The guy was killed in an auto accident! I looked it up! He was driving in the Yukon, in a pink convertible, to visit his brother who's an ex-con named Frances, when a tractor trailer comes along and decapitates him. You know what that mean, it means he doesn't have a head. How am I suppose to write for a guy who doesn't have a head? He's got no lips, no vocal cords. What do you want me to do?

"You're a writer. Use your imagination."

"HE DOESN'T HAVE A HEAD!!!!!"

[ganesh]

There's always ample room to hide under the bed. Most people typically store stuff under theirs irl. I don't, but I still couldn't slide under. 

[Rick Kitchen]

3 hours ago, ganesh said:

There's always ample room to hide under the bed. Most people typically store stuff under theirs irl. I don't, but I still couldn't slide under. 

But if you do hide under the bed, somebody will sit on it.  And you will have to sneeze.

[Bastet]

It depends on whether you're in a dramatic or comedic situation.  In the former, the space under the bed will be pristine.  In the latter, there will be a giant dust bunny, and wacky hijinks will ensue as you try to avoid giving yourself away via sneeze.

The only thing under mine are my slippers and the pump for my Sleep Number mattress (and sometimes my cat), but there isn't enough vertical clearance for me to get under there should I ever need to hide from a killer.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

3 hours ago, Bastet said:

It depends on whether you're in a dramatic or comedic situation.  In the former, the space under the bed will be pristine.  In the latter, there will be a giant dust bunny, and wacky hijinks will ensue as you try to avoid giving yourself away via sneeze.

An addendum to this is that if its a dramatic situation, you'll be trying to hide from a murderer when the urge to sneeze hits. If you give yourself away, the killer will always drag you out from under the bed by your ankles, thus giving you a chance to possibly fight back.

[backformore]

in TV houses, there exist only two categories of cleanliness.  There are the pristine houses, where the floors and furniture are polished to a high shine, the counters and appliances are spotless, and clutter doesn't exist.  Then there are the houses with dust and smoke, with old pizza boxes  and crushed beer cans everywhere, piles of paper and clothes, ashtrays overflowing, and a sink full of dirty dishes. 
TV people only live at either end of the spectrum, slobs or neat freaks.  There is no room for normal.

[Haleth]

If you are hiding under the bed something will start to roll out from under it or you will notice some item on the floor that will give you away.  You very carefully reach out and retrieve the incriminating item just in time so the bad guy doesn't see/hear it.  However if you are hiding in the closet your phone will ring, so it's always best to hide under the bed.

[DittyDotDot]

When on loses someone so very important to them, they must cut off all their hair to show they've gone to the dark side with grief. 

[orza]

56 minutes ago, DittyDotDot said:

When on loses someone so very important to them, they must cut off all their hair to show they've gone to the dark side with grief. 

That happens a lot in real life. Typically, it's for religious reasons as part of grieving rituals, but plenty of women rush out to get a pixie cut out of spite after being dumped because the now hated ex-boyfriend loved their beautiful long hair. My sister did that after every bad breakup.

Except for the obvious silly things, like always finding a parking spot in Manhattan right in front of the building one has business at, most "only on TV" things are taken from real life.

Edited July 17, 2016 by orza

[DittyDotDot]

4 minutes ago, orza said:

That happens a lot in real life. Typically, it's for religious reasons as part of grieving rituals, but plenty of women rush out to get a pixie cut out of spite after being dumped because the now hated ex-boyfriend loved their beautiful long hair. My sister did that after every bad breakup.

Oh, I wasn't clear. I mean when someone dramatically shaves their head to show how they're now a dark and gritty person heading out on a revenge and bloody filled journey to kill some folks.

[orza]

You like the usual military head-shaving rituals?

Edited July 17, 2016 by orza

[DittyDotDot]

4 minutes ago, orza said:

You like Navy Seals and other special forces guys do when they enlist?

Only if they did it because someone they loved died and now they must got out and kill some people in order to make that death have meaning.

And only if they did it in slow mo while very dramatic music played in the background. 

[orza]

What you describe is still pretty common in real life.

[DittyDotDot]

23 minutes ago, orza said:

What you describe is still pretty common in real life.

Okie doke.

[ganesh]

I can't stand that. 

[atomationage]

I guess "under the bed" is just one of those things that people keep writing in to scripts because it worked before, back in the days when beds were higher off the floor, like in my grandparents' and great-grandparents' time.  I remember those old beds. The springs weren't covered, and things would get stuck in them.  The ceilings were higher too.   Now, everything is close to the floor, and I've lost two flash drives in my bedroom and never found them in spite of extensive searching. 

Back on doppelgangers, even your spouse can't tell when it's not you, only on TV.