Faux Life: Things That Happen On TV But Not In Reality

[Snowprince]

I love how your neighbor opens YOUR fridge, grabs a beer and asks if YOU want one....at my place that would almost be shots fired!

[Sandman87]

Tonight On TV, a little miracle occurred: On Unforgettable either the writers actually put a "bye" in the script at the end of a phone convo, or Poppy Montgomery ad libbed it.

That reminds me of something that I've seem on other shows, but The X-Files was the worst offender:

(cell phone rings)

"Mulder, it's me."

"Scully, where are you?"

 

No one said hello. Ever. And the conversations almost always started with those two lines.

[shapeshifter]

And Only On TV in the 1990s did cell phones never cut out or have dropped calls. When I got my first cell phone, I was regularly exclaiming, "This never happens to Scully and Mulder!" Now On TV they use dropped calls as a plot point.

[ganesh]

To be fair to the XF though, most of the time, the shit was hitting the fan so they didn't have time for politeness. Also, *no one* called Mulder but her. 

 

It's the shows with normal people that don't. 

[walnutqueen]

No curtains or blinds on windows. People have sex all the time in front of these same windows. Never seen either in real life.

 

The only window covering in my house is on the front bedroom I haven't used in over a decade.  I haven't had sex with anyone in longer than that, but I am nekkid more often than not (in my house and in my BACK yard).  Trees obscure a decent amount of my front windows, and the only time I have to think about sidewalk "traffic" is in the afternoons when the mail comes and a couple of kids are walking home from school.  So you won't see this either, in real life, unless you camp out in my front yard foliage and have excellent eyesight (and then you'd be really, really sorry and need brain bleach and psychotherapy!).    :-)

[Cobalt Stargazer]

I craved Jack Bauer's cell phone.  It never lost reception and had infinite battery life. World wide. I suspect it would've done as well on other planets.

That was one of his superpowers. That and being to get anywhere in less time than a commercial break.

[backformore]

Only on tv do people answer a knock at the door or ring of the doorbell by calling out the name of the person they THINK it is, then letting them in or saying, "it's open"'. Leading , of course, to the killer bad guy coming in.

They never ask before answering the door. More likely, they open the door saying "thank God you're here!" Oops! Uh oh!

[shapeshifter]

To be fair to the XF though...Also, *no one* called Mulder but her....

Huh. Good point. They wrote the script as if their cell phones were old two-way radios. Of course, to be fair again, they actually looked like walkie talkies; they were huge with the antennae sticking out.

[Raja]

only on TV can people walk on California beaches without getting sand all over or burning their feet

[walnutqueen]

only on TV can people walk on California beaches without getting sand all over or burning their feet

 

Raja, I have a deep and abiding affection for you forever, but I have a secret white sand beach that caresses my tootsies like Lanikai.  My 80-something mother even goes barefoot in it; so California isn't the cesspool it's made out to be (but I would NEVER set foot in its nasty water!.  :-)

[Shannon L.]

Only on tv are people perfectly comfortable running/walking in soaking wet clothes (including jeans) after having been thrown in a pool or caught in the rain or however they get soaked.  No one ever hobbles towards the house saying "yuck--hold on I have to get out of these wet clothes".

[ChromaKelly]

People on TV never know when someone is in their house. I think I would know, or hear the person walking around. My floors are pretty creaky though.

[Bella]

People on TV never know when someone is in their house. I think I would know, or hear the person walking around. My floors are pretty creaky though.

 

People on TV are selectively and/or weirdly hearing impaired, except when they have supersonic hearing.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

The irony is, they never have supersonic hearing when they're ten feet away from people who are talking specifically about them.

[anstar]

...unless it's to overhear something at the exact wrong moment, out of context, to create the misunderstanding, drama, and/or hijinks/hilarity necessary for the plot.

[ChromaKelly]

Women also always have their legs shaved all the way, and bikini lines done. Just in case they need to be in a swimsuit or in their panties or naked. Bra and panites always match too.

[ganesh]

I remember when Lost came out how people went *nuts* because Kate's bra and panties didn't match. Because it was so *normal.*

[Bastet]

Only on TV can carrying one candle illuminate an entire room, while scattering a hundred candles (all matching, of course) across the room causes only a moody glow.

[ToxicUnicorn]

Ha.  That's so true about the one candle, Bastet.

 

Only on tv can you guess someone's computer password in 1-3 tries, usually by zeroing in on the only obscure clue in the room.

 

Edited for grammar.

Edited September 3, 2014 by ToxicUnicorn

[ganesh]

Also, if there's a picture of a dog. It's that.

[DittyDotDot]

Only on TV does every homicide detective have a tragic family murder cold case in their past and became a cop so they could investigate said case because no one else could be bothered to solve it. Bonus points if the same person who murdered your parents/child/sibling years before becoming a cop suddenly starts killing again and taunting you personally.

 

 

Only on tv can you guess someone's computer password in 1-3 tries, usually by zeroing in on the only obscure clue in the room.

 

Ha, ha, ha...the other day my 11-year-old niece wanted to use my computer and guessed mine on the second try, of course, my saved hint made it pretty obvious, but for a moment there I was really impressed with her.

[Portia]

Only on tv can you guess someone's computer password in 1-3 tries, usually by zeroing in on the only obscure clue in the room.

Frequently I am unable to guess my own password in 1-3 tries. 

[Taylorh2]

Only on Tv can someone as 'morbidly obese" As Dee Dee from Hollywood Hillbillies" be able to walk around Beverly Hills, CA or anywhere in CA and not be stared at because of her weight.

Edited September 5, 2014 by Taylorh2

[AntiBeeSpray]

Only on Tv can someone as 'morbidity obese" As Dee Dee from Hollywood Hillbillies" be able to walk around Beverly Hills, CA or anywhere in CA and not be stared at because of her weight.

Yea and it's sad :(. Some people can't help it. They might have something wrong with them that causes them to be overweight.

[Taylorh2]

-----------------

Edited September 5, 2014 by Taylorh2

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Only On TV does childbirth amount to, "Wow, look at this six month old baby I found between your legs."

[HalcyonDays]

Only On TV does childbirth amount to, "Wow, look at this six month old baby I found between your legs."

 

Interesting you said this, because just this week I read somewhere an article about this exactly. Apparently shows/movies cannot use newborns or babies below six months due to filming labour laws. Its just not allowed, therefore 'hello six month old baby.'

[Cobalt Stargazer]

I did not know that, HalcyonDays. I guess it makes sense, because real newborns obviously belong in a hospital. but its still kind of weird when the mother has supposedly just given birth and the kid is clearly at least half a year old.

[Shannon L.]

I wonder if there are certain ways around that now because there have been a few (rare) times when I've seen one who's obviously younger than 6 months.  Not newborn, but definitely younger than usual.

Edited September 10, 2014 by Shannon L.

[bmoore4026]

Speaking of births on TV, though less so nowadays, there is usually someone running around screaming for hot water.

 

Also, when the father-to-be is in the delivery room, he is always ineffectual and there is a 60-80% chance he will faint whilst the love of his life screams in mortal agony.

 

And, other than blood and amniotic fluid, there are no bodily fluids involved; things go rather spotlessly.

Edited September 10, 2014 by bmoore4026

[Kel Varnsen]

I did not know that, HalcyonDays. I guess it makes sense, because real newborns obviously belong in a hospital. but its still kind of weird when the mother has supposedly just given birth and the kid is clearly at least half a year old.

I am kind of ok with them using 6 months old and I am kind of glad they have those laws. Because it would kind of disturb me a little to know that there were hollywood parents out there taking their little newborn babies to auditions and trying to get acting jobs for them.

[kiddo82]

There was also the famous "Rubber-Ella" from the ER days on TWoP in which they were clearly using a doll for Dr. Green's sick baby. That stuff never bothers me. Better to use a bad animatronic than a real baby in those situations IMO.

[HalcyonDays]

I wonder if there are certain ways around that now because there have been a few (rare) times when I've seen one who's obviously younger than 6 months.  Not newborn, but definitely younger than usual.

 

I wonder if those younger looking babies are the ones who are the actual children of the actors or something. Like a female actor's own child, for example. It would make sense if she signs some consent form for the legalities. But, because she is the parent, she can ensure the safety of her child and also spend as much time with the kid. You know, film a scene, then the downtime between scenes her baby is there with her. I'm sure I've heard of some celebrities doing this.

[OSM Mom]

Only On TV does childbirth amount to, "Wow, look at this six month old baby I found between your legs."

You owe me a new screen. I just spit coffee all over this one.

[BoogieBurns]

I wonder if there are certain ways around that now because there have been a few (rare) times when I've seen one who's obviously younger than 6 months.  Not newborn, but definitely younger than usual.

 

After listening to a couple DVD commentaries, I've learned a tiny bit about babies on TV. In California, they can be as young as 6 weeks, but they can only be under the lights for 17 minutes at a time (this was in 2010, so 17 minutes is no longer exact). When they are 6 months, the baby can be under the light closer to an hour. Which is how long they need to film an average birth scene with several takes. The babies have to have breaks almost every minute, so the 17-60 minutes is cumulative. This article says they can be 15 days old, but I imagine that is near impossible to cast. Since they wouldn't have been born during the read-through.

 

But the few shows who have actual teeny tiny babies (I'm using The Office's Cece as my example) use 6 week old preemies. That way the babies look closer to newborn, but they are allowed to be on camera. It takes a ton of effort, and they still had to have multiple babies on the set to get it done in one day.

 

Skip to 00:51 for a look at the baby

[ToxicUnicorn]

But the few shows who have actual teeny tiny babies (I'm using The Office's Cece as my example) use 6 week old preemies. That way the babies look closer to newborn, but they are allowed to be on camera.

This sounds like such a cheat.  I'm sort of torn about knowing this.  On the other hand, I ended up searching for how many piglets played Babe in the movie, so now I've learned two things tonight.

 

Back on topic: only on TV do otherwise perfectly normal people break extremely expensive things in grief or anger.  I just watched a scene where a flat screen tv, a full length free-standing mirror, and a heavy glass decorative bowl were flung around in a fit, without a moment's hesitation.  I suppose I ... what am I saying, I wouldn't even throw the bowl.  Maybe I could imagine flinging around an ... egg, or a tomato, or something.  Under $4 damage, tops.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

You owe me a new screen. I just spit coffee all over this one.

Then my work is done.

[Joe]

And furthermore, a waste of food. If it's rotten, that makes it even worse!

[Moose135]

On the other hand, I ended up searching for how many piglets played Babe in the movie...

 

And now I had to go look that up as well.

[BoogieBurns]

how many piglets played Babe in the movie

 

How many!?

[Bella]

I don't recall the number of piglets who played Babe, but piglets grow fast - real fast! And they develop stronger personalities at about the same speed. I believe that was why they needed multiples, because the piggies literally outgrew the role during filming.

[HalcyonDays]

How many!?

 

Because baby pigs grow so fast, 48 pigs were used during filming for the role of Babe. - IMDB

[shapeshifter]

Because baby pigs grow so fast, 48 pigs were used during filming for the role of Babe. - IMDB

I will not ask what became of the little Babes, but suddenly I'm thinking of a BLT wrap.

Have we already covered how Only On TV do all women scream when they give birth? I had three difficult births with an average labor time of 24 hours; I never screamed, yelled, or cussed. That would have required energy I didn't have to waste. I did make them take the onion bagels out of the room (people attending long labors evidently get hungry, but women in labor tend to have no appetite).

Edited September 14, 2014 by shapeshifter

[Jac]

Only on TV does a middle-aged woman share a single kiss with another woman and immediately decide she is a lesbian.

[ganesh]

What shows are this?

[Jac]

Desperate Housewives is a relatively recent and particularly egregious offender  but Instalesbian! is hardly an uncommon trope.

[GreekGeek]

There was also Carrie (Kerry?) Weaver on ER. We saw her having affairs with men in her earlier seasons, but when a female friend told her she wanted her as a lover and not a buddy, she became Instalesbian. She also became much less interesting as a character; she wasn't the annoying efficiency queen any more.

 

The "Puppy Episode" of Ellen could also fit this trope. It was like, "Oh, thaaaat's why none of my dates ever worked out!"

Edited September 14, 2014 by GreekGeek

[Bella]

 

I will not ask what became of the little Babes, but suddenly I'm thinking of a BLT wrap.

 

The little Babes went to an animal sanctuary and were never eaten. 

 

The only even remotely plausible Insta-lesbian portrayed on TV was Samantha on Sex & the City. I viewed Sam as omnisexual, and her lesbian relationship ended up being only a detour. But would Sam ever not try something? Ever? I was mostly surprised that it took her so long.

[Shannon L.]

 

Have we already covered how Only On TV do all women scream when they give birth? I had three difficult births with an average labor time of 24 hours; I never screamed, yelled, or cussed.

My mom will roll her eyes every time she sees one of these scenes and she had a tough, natural childbirth, too.

Edited September 14, 2014 by Shannon L.

[ChromaKelly]

And furthermore, a waste of food. If it's rotten, that makes it even worse!

Speaking of wasting food, does anyone else ever wonder about all the display food on The Today Show and similar? Like, say they are talking about antioxidants. They will have a table full of fruits and vegetables that contain antioxidants just sitting there for visual interest. I'm sure that all goes bad under the hot lights and all I can think about is what a waste it is.

 Food fights.  So much fun....on TV.  In real life, all I can think about is that I am going to have to clean that shit up and that cures me right away.  I just can't see the fun in destroying food in the messiest way possible and then spending two hours cleaning it out of every corner of the kitchen.   

They also lead to making out of course! Because don't you want to have sex covered in flour?