Faux Life: Things That Happen On TV But Not In Reality

[MaryPatShelby]

Well, if we're going with body...issues....Only on TV do people clearly have sex without barrier protection and then just cuddle up and go to sleep. No one ever gets up and freshens up if you get my drift. The exception to this rule is if the one who gets up is to be interpreted as not caring or being a jerk or there's a problem in the marriage, etc. I get why they do it in fiction -- no one wants to see the nitty gritty of things, but still. Only on TV.  

Not only that, but only on TV do people deeply kiss upon waking up and seem to enjoy it. Grosses me out every time. I get morning sex, but it is possible to do it without kissing.

[ganesh]

Only on tv if people have troubling dreams do they sit up abruptly panting and sweaty. 

[smittykins]

It is only on TV that a Catholic priest will conduct a wedding ceremony outside of a Catholic Church in your beautiful gardens and private beaches

Corollary:  Only on TV do non-Catholic churches have crucifixes(*cough*DeadlyWomen*cough*).

Edited August 16, 2014 by smittykins

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Only on tv if people have troubling dreams do they sit up abruptly panting and sweaty. 

Sometimes they actually wake up screaming.

[janie jones]

But if two people are talking in english and then one of them wants to use a phrase or saying from another language (like say fiesta or capisce or je ne sais quoi or something equivalent in alien from another planet) the translators always know to let those phrases through and not force them to be translated into english.

Makes perfect sense.  That's how Google Translate works.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Only On TV do really hot women date and marry average-looking guys.

[Sir RaiderDuck OMS]

Only On TV do really hot women date and marry average-looking guys.

Paulina Porizkova and Ric Ocasek? Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts?

[BoogieBurns]

Heidi Klum and Seal.

[ganesh]

Me and every gf.

[AimingforYoko]

Geoffrey Arend and Christina Hendricks. That's why it's so common on-screen, it's not that uncommon offscreen

[merylinkid]

Okay but name one single hot girl who married a schlubby guy who was not also rich and/or famous in real life?   On tv, the schlubby guy is just a schlubby guy in a regular job.  He's totally middle class, or even lower middle middle class.   Every single one of the real life examples (ganesh I don't know what you do for a living) is also a rich albeit schlubby guy.

[Raja]

Okay but name one single hot girl who married a schlubby guy who was not also rich and/or famous in real life?   On tv, the schlubby guy is just a schlubby guy in a regular job.  He's totally middle class, or even lower middle middle class.   Every single one of the real life examples (ganesh I don't know what you do for a living) is also a rich albeit schlubby guy.

While fame, power and money might trump physical attractiveness on TV men have that neither. Even Al Bundy had Peggy and not the exception to the rule, Rosanne

[DittyDotDot]

I don't know why, but that whole line of thinking kinda irked me. I'm very sorry for my tone here, but I just want to get this straight...So you're saying that: in the history of the universe, no hot girl ever was interested in a schlubby man in real life, this is only a TV invention, but doesn't exist--it's fantasy? In real life only good looking people chose to be with other good looking people and ugly people would rather be with pretty people, but alas, the universe does not allow?

 

In addition, you added the caveat that if a hot chick is interested in a schlubby guy, he is rich. So, pretty women only care about looks and money in real life? No good looking woman, in real life, has ever considered being seen in public with an ugly man unless he is rich? Am I missing something here?

 

Yes, I could name a few from real life, but here's the thing...if they're not famous, how would you know who these people were I speak of? And secondly, is this not the stereotype that people have been screaming to see less of on TV (rich hot people only matter)?

Edited August 18, 2014 by DittyDotDot

[ganesh]

ganesh I don't know what you do for a living

 

I am straight *pimp*.

 

I think what the trope is, only on tv is it the "shubbly guy" with "hot" wife that is the long-suffering and put upon one. And the guy is the one always fucking up and having to "make it up to her". 

 

It's really, only on tv, are married couples mostly "shlubby guy/hot wife". I'm thinking of sitcoms mostly. There's never really a normal marriage with normal people. Even Don Draper and Betty and Don/Meghan are hot. 

 

As completely shit of a show as it is, Arthur and Joan on Covert Affairs are probably the closest I've seen to normal married couple. 

[The Crazed Spruce]

I just want to remind everyone to keep things civil in here.  Disagreeing with your fellow posters is fine, but I'm sensing things are starting to get a bit hostile.  Let's all try to keep a cool head about us, okay?

[Mulva]

Only on TV do people wake up and don't have to immediately run to the bathroom to whiz. Nope, they're ready for romance/crime solving/fighting vampires after 8 hours without a bathroom break.

[BatmanBeatles]

When you wake up from a nightmare, you sit straight up.

[ganesh]

Only on tv do friends know literally everything about their friends up to and including the last time they pooped. No one keeps anything private because if they do it will be a Plot Point and everyone finds out anyway.

[ganesh]

Unless I'm in the wrong line of work, only on tv do people have a bottle of booze in the desk. Because after a long day at work, I want to have a drink. At work.

[BatmanBeatles]

You don't have to have a detective license to solve a crime. You just have to be a writer or a great mathematician.

[Rick Kitchen]

Only on TV do people keep a fully stocked bar including bottles of water, pitchers of water, and ice cubes, all awaiting them when they get home from work.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

 Because after a long day at work, I want to have a drink. At work.

Don, is that you?

[Raja]

Nobody commutes to work on TV. Everything moves at the speed of Jack Bauer going after a terrorist.

[Sandman87]

Unless I'm in the wrong line of work, only on tv do people have a bottle of booze in the desk. Because after a long day at work, I want to have a drink. At work.

I worked for a while at a small software company where the break room cabinets were full of booze. For some reason productivity there tended to fall off after lunch...

[shapeshifter]

You don't have to have a detective license to solve a crime. You just have to be a writer or a great mathematician.

...or a doctor or a lawyer or a telepathic paramedic a ghost whisperer or a....

And the corollary to this one is: Only on TV would a telepath or a ghost whisperer use their skills primarily for crime fighting, especially unpaid crime fighting. The guy who got tomorrow's paper today didn't really have a choice, IIRC. I mean, IRL, they'd be in Vegas--either cleaning up gambling or doing stage shows.

[ganesh]

That's because there's only like 5 jobs in tv world. 

[merylinkid]

Well other people have to solve the crimes.   All the detectives are too personally involved and angsting to actually SOLVE the crime.   It's all about how they feel about being detectives and the effect that has on their personal lives.   Or how some horrible thing in their past led them to be a detective, so they identify too closely with the victim of the crime to do anything but make promises to "catch the guy who did this."

[Francesca007]

I am straight *pimp*.

This made me holler. Love it!

I hate when people lay down on a bed with thier shoes on. It bugs the crap out of me. Everytime I see it I yell at the TV "GET THEM SHOES OUT THE BED!" I have never seen this anywhere in real life.

Woman half, mostly, or fully naked after sex and the man is still wearing practically a 3 piece suit with the top button of his shirt undone. Where they do that at?

[ethalfrida]

 The shoes on the bed or sofa makes me holler too. Or sitting on the kitchen counters. Ewww, if we only had a real grasp of what is on the bottom of our shoes it should make everyone sick to ther stomachs.

 

This made me holler. Love it!

I hate when people lay down on a bed with thier shoes on. It bugs the crap out of me. Everytime I see it I yell at the TV "GET THEM SHOES OUT THE BED!" I have never seen this anywhere in real life.

Woman half, mostly, or fully naked after sex and the man is still wearing practically a 3 piece suit with the top button of his shirt undone. Where they do that at?

[ToxicUnicorn]

Only on tv do most people have job security despite routine insubordination and chronic absenteeism.  Oh, and most people with a great deal of power are stupid, probably because they got to those positions through nepotism or bribery or some other non-merit based means.

 

Also, most judges are minorities or females or both.  And the ones who are white are narrow-minded establishment types.  See sentence 2 above.

[paulvdb]

Only on tv can you completely clear out an office or warehouse in 15 minutes without leaving any trace that you were ever there. Bad guys and secret government agencies must have moving companies on speed dial just to make sure that the good guys walk into a completely empty building.

[Princess Sparkle]

Woman half, mostly, or fully naked after sex and the man is still wearing practically a 3 piece suit with the top button of his shirt undone. Where they do that at?

 

That goes right along with the classic, post-coital "bed sheet pulled up to a woman's chest, but all the way down for the man."  I mean, I logically know why they do it, it just cracks me up every time it happens.

[Ohwell]

Also, the woman always has the sheet wrapped around her when she gets out of bed to go to the bathroom.  I know why they do it, but it cracks me up all the same.

[ganesh]

I said something about walking away with the sheet a while ago. Give me back my sheet! You're dragging it all over the floor!

[Ohwell]

Oops!  Sorry for that.  Here's your filthy sheet!  

[merylinkid]

And if she is walking off with the sheet, what is HE covering himself with?

[Cobalt Stargazer]

The above is making me think of that scene in sex, lies, and videotape when Peter Gallagher (and his eyebrows) are lying naked on Laura San Giacomo's bed with a potted plant covering his business, and she looks at it and goes, "Is that for me?" And he nods, and she takes the plant away, and then she says, "Is that for me?" about what was underneath the plant.

[Sandman87]

Only on TV are rich people 100 times more likely to be murdered than poor people. It doesn't matter if you live in a safe community, live in a family compound, have a squad of hired bodyguards, and live next door to a police station, if you have money there's roughly a 50% chance that someone will kill you. The odds are even worse whenever there's a famous mystery writer in the vicinity.

[Francesca007]

No curtains or blinds on windows. People have sex all the time in front of these same windows. Never seen either in real life.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Only on TV are rich people 100 times more likely to be murdered than poor people. It doesn't matter if you live in a safe community, live in a family compound, have a squad of hired bodyguards, and live next door to a police station, if you have money there's roughly a 50% chance that someone will kill you. The odds are even worse whenever there's a famous mystery writer in the vicinity.

The odds in favor of you being murdered double if you're moved to a safehouse that's guarded by the police.

[Kel Varnsen]

Only on TV are rich people 100 times more likely to be murdered than poor people. It doesn't matter if you live in a safe community, live in a family compound, have a squad of hired bodyguards, and live next door to a police station, if you have money there's roughly a 50% chance that someone will kill you. The odds are even worse whenever there's a famous mystery writer in the vicinity.

Of course they get murdered more often, its because it is totally easy to figure out who is rich. Because if you are rich and you are on TV, you will wear a suit and tie all the time. It doesn't matter what type of business you are in, or what time of day it is rich guys will always be wearing suits and ties.

[ganesh]

No curtains or blinds on windows. People have sex all the time in front of these same windows. Never seen either in real life.

 

Oh come on over to my apartment. Nosy people have gotten quite the eyeful.

 

My place is like right on top of the sidewalk, and you have to open the blinds because there's no breeze and it gets super stuffy. 

[janie jones]

That goes right along with the classic, post-coital "bed sheet pulled up to a woman's chest, but all the way down for the man."  I mean, I logically know why they do it, it just cracks me up every time it happens.

This I don't mind because it's realistic.  I don't like my nipples getting cold!

[Francesca007]

Oh come on over to my apartment. Nosy people have gotten quite the eyeful.

My place is like right on top of the sidewalk, and you have to open the blinds because there's no breeze and it gets super stuffy.

BAHAHAHAHA

I stand corrected. Close your blinds! Is it really nosy to walk by and see breasts smashed against the window ala Shame?

[ganesh]

No, but it is nosy to walk by and look in someone's window. I really don't care. Most people just see me washing dishes. 

[Shannon L.]

Only on tv (and movies) do people always have the means to get beautiful, elaborate costumes for costume parties.

[Cobalt Stargazer]

Only on tv (and movies) do people always have the means to get beautiful, elaborate costumes for costume parties.

Or they make them themselves, and have them turn out looking like a Hollywood costumer personally designed them.

[shapeshifter]

Tonight On TV, a little miracle occurred: On Unforgettable either the writers actually put a "bye" in the script at the end of a phone convo, or Poppy Montgomery ad libbed it.

Unfortunately, my happiness was soon dashed when the perp turned out to be someone who would not have been capable of committing multiple homicides and kidnapping. Only On TV...

Edited August 31, 2014 by shapeshifter

[bmoore4026]

All proms take place at the school's gym.  All of them.  No exceptions.

Edited August 31, 2014 by bmoore4026

[ganesh]

And reunions too, of course. 

 

How about the neighbor not only barging in all the time, but eating your food without being offered?